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(Scene opens up showing buildings in England.)
Lawrence: Ooh! Merry old England. How I love our yearly holiday to my parents' home. Big Ben, Buckingham Palace, oh, the White Cliffs of Dover. Stonehenge.
Phineas: Either I’ve grown a lot in the last year, or England's gotten smaller.
Lawrence: Here we are. The old homestead.
Candace: Look! There's Grandma and Grandpa Fletcher.
Phineas: Grandpa! Grandma!
Grandpa Reg: Ahh! Phineas, Ferb! My boys!
Grandma Winifred: Oh, Ferb, you're looking more like your grandfather. Just look at that resemblance. What do you think, dear?
(She places a fake mustache and hairpiece on Ferb)
Grandpa Fletcher: He's a right handsome lad, he is.
Grandma Fletcher: You can keep these. I've got loads of them.
Candace: Hi, Grandpa. Hi, Grandma.
Grandpa Fletcher: Candace? Can that be you? You look like a right beauteous princess.
Candace: Thanks!
(Car honking)
Lawrence: Ta-ta. We're off to the antique convention. See you tonight.
Phineas: Hey, Gramps, what's that cool castle next door?
Grandpa Fletcher: Oh, aye, that's our neighbors, Lord and Lady Pipping. It used to belong to the Black Knight.
Phineas: The Black Knight?
Grandpa Fletcher: Such a wonderful tale of valor.

(Song: "Ballad of the Black Knight")'
The Black Knight of Worcestershire
Some say it's "Worcester-sheer"
Went out to fight the dragon
No one else would volunteer

The Hounds of Heck chased after him
Through all the moors and lands
Because his suit of armor
Was recycled dog food cans

The Black Knight of "Worcester-sheer"
Some say it's "Worcestershire"
He rode off with his Hounds of Heck
To face the dragon's fire!

Grandpa Fletcher: Here, immortalized in bronze, is the Black Knight himself and his Hounds of Heck on their final charge to vanquish the dragon. And here is the disastrous results. (Reginald leads the boys to a statue that shows the dragon with forks and knives, while the black knight is being cooked) Legend says that the Black Knight's ghost still haunts these foggy moors, riding in search of the dragon, followed by his pack of fierce hounds.
Phineas: Hey, I know what we should do today. Grandpa Fletcher, let's have a medieval tournament just like the knights did in the days of yore. We can he jousting and catapults and not bathe.
Grandpa Fletcher: Way ahead of you on the not bathing.

Candace: (Sighs) Man, Stacy, everything here is so old, wet and small, and... and...
Charles: En garde, Stubbings! Ha ha! Come on, man! Parry and riposte. (laughs) I've run you through, Stubbings.
Stubbings: Yes. Delightful, Master Charles. Clearly, you have mastered the rules of tennis.
Candace: Uh, Stacy, I'll call you back.
Stubbings: I believe it's my serve. Oh, dear. I have punned.
(Charles laughs)

Phineas: (Dressed as a fool) Back it up! Back it up! (Trucks beep) Good. Right there. Lumber over here, suckling pigs over there. Hold it! That pig's barely suckling. What do I look like, a fool? (The man carrying the pig shoves an apple into the pig's mouth) That's what I'm talking about. Carry on. (To Ferb) So, you ready to chop some lumber, Ferb? (Ferb salutes) Hey, where's Perry?

(At Perry's lair...)
Major Monogram: Ahh, Agent P. Sorry about the tight squeeze, but they're on the metric system. Doofenshmirtz is attending an evil scientists' convention in London. We're sending you in undercover, disguised as evil scientist Dr. Lloyd Wexler who, incidentally, is the man sitting next to you. Good luck, Agent P.

(Back in England Phineas is building a horse)
Candace: Phineas?
Phineas: Oh, hi, Candace.
Candace: What do you think you're doing?
Phineas: I think I'm building a horse.
(The horse whinnies)
Candace: There's a cute boy next door, and I don't want you guys scaring him off by acting like complete freaks.
Charles: Beg pardon?
Candace: Hello. (Giggles)
Charles: I'm Charles Pipping the Fourth.
Candace: I'm Candace Flynn... the First.
Charles: So, what's all this?
Candace: This? Uh... This is just a--
Phineas: We're putting on a medieval tournament.
Candace: Medieval tournament? That has to be, without a doubt, the most--
Charles: Brilliant idea I've heard in years!
Candace: Exactly. (Laughs) Because who doesn't love whatever happens at one of those... Those... Things?
Phineas: Wanna join us?
Charles: Absolutely. We could use my family's castle as a backdrop. And you can be the fair princess in the tower, waiting to be rescued by a handsome knight.
Candace: (she blinks twice) Okay!

(At Evil-Con)
Man #1: Welcome to Evil-Con, Dr. Lloyd Wexler. Hey! Wait a second. (Moves ID card to reveal Perry disguised as Dr. Wexler) You didn't get your evil button. Enjoy the convention, Dr. Wexler.

(At the castle)
Candace: (With a fake British accent) As the fair princess in the tower, I declare Sir Charles the winner of the tournament... (Thinks using her normal voice) Wait a second. Could this be one of those things that backfires horribly on me? (Pauses) Nah.
Charles: Looks like that armor is big enough for the two of you.
Phineas: That's a great idea. (To Ferb) Ferb, I'll take the top half because I tend to do more of the talking, and you take the bottom half because of your incredibly long, willowy legs.
Candace: Yoo-hoo! Sir Charles! They can't even hear me up here. (She yells) Yo, Chuck! (Growls) What is going on down there? (She attempts to open the door, but only manages to pull the handle off) Oh, come on! Hey, guys! I am locked in the tower!
Phineas: That's the spirit, Candace! You sound like a real damsel in distress!
Candace: (She growls) I have got to get out of here. (She tries to grab a spear from a knights grip) Let go! Come on, let go! Fine! Have it your way. (She picks up the armor, and smashes through the door. However, soon after the armor becomes undone, and Candace lands in it, making her look like the Black Knight)

Charles: Well, then, since you chaps are just about put together, I think it's time I popped next door to fetch my own armor.
Phineas: There's something almost disturbing about this. Hey, look. he's back.
Candace: (Grunts)
Phineas: Okay, Charles, we'll help you get on your horse and do a practice run.
Candace: (Muffled scream)

(At Evil-Con)
Doofenshmirtz: You didn't think I'd recognize you, did you? But I do! You're Dr. Lloyd Wexler, my greatest hero in all of evil science. Oh, I can't believe I'm actually talking to you! You know, I wrote my thesis on one of your early ransom notes. Gee, you wouldn't mind if I just hung around with you today, would you?
Perry: (He blinks twice)

(At the castle)
(Horn salute)
Grandpa Fletcher: Lords and ladies of the court, I declare that this contest is to begin!
(Cheering)
Grandpa Fletcher: Are you boys ready over there?
Phineas: Ready, Ferb?
(Ferb opens a compartment in the armor to give a thumbs up)
Phineas: We're ready, Grandpa!
Grandpa Fletcher: How about you, Charles?
Candace: (Muffled screaming)
Grandpa Fletcher: That's the spirit.
(Phineas and Ferb, and Candace begin their jousting match. Candace's horse however bucks her off, sending her into a catapult)
Phineas: Look, our catapult works.
(Cadence gets launched into the castle, but falls down the tower, and back onto the horse, who, in turn, bucks her off, repeating the cycle)
Grandpa Fletcher: Way to hang in there, Charles.
(Candace's horse runs off with her on it)
Phineas: Guess we won, Ferb. Yeah!
Charles: What ho, chaps. Still up for a bit of a joust?
Stubbings: Your lance, sir.
Phineas: Charles? Then who's that?
Grandpa Fletcher: Perhaps it was the ghost of the Black Knight. But I wonder where his Hounds of Heck are.

(Instrumental version of "Ballad of the Black Knight" playing in the background)
(Candace's horse continues to run down the street, causing a gravy truck to crash, spraying her with it, while also releasing dogs from an animal control van)
Man #2: (Upon seeing this) It's the ghost of the Black Knight and his hounds of Heck!

(At Evil-Con)
Doofenshmirtz: It makes me so happy to be surrounded by so much evil. Oh, look! It's your autobiography. It's always been a dream of mine to have you read it to me. (He pauses) Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait! (Pulls out a teddy bear) Okay, now I'm ready.
Doofenshmirtz: (laughs) Come on! Don't be shy. Paragraph 4. "Upon an evil winter's heart." Go ahead.
Perry: (lip-syching from the book on CD) "Upon an evil winter's heart, the heavy hand of regret infrequently alights. The malevolent path is one trod without the cumbersome shackles of sentimental introspec... spec... spec... spec... spec... spec... spec..." (He whacks the CD player with the book)
Doofenshmirtz: Hmm, that's funny. I don't remember you saying "spec" so many times. (Perry rips off his disguise) Dr. Wexler, you're a platypus. (Perry, looking annoyed, puts his fedora on. Doofenshmirtz gasps) Perry the Platypus!
Doofenshmirtz: I want to say that I knew it was you all along, but I can't because I didn't. So now, I guess I'm supposed to surrender, which I might do if we weren't standing IN THE MIDDLE OF AN EVIL WEAPONS EXPO! (He runs to the giant robots, and gets in one) Ah-ha! Perry the Platypus, your giant robot dragon is no match for my giant robot... Queen Elizabeth I. Hmmm. W- Would you mind switching robots with me? Would you mind too terribly? Please? (They switch robots) Thanks. Thank you very much. I just prefer this one. Thanks. Now, Perry the Platypus, your silly, girly Queen Elizabeth I robot is no match for my giant, fire-breathing... (Perry's robot shoots a laser blast at Doofenshmirtz) Ow! Ow! Wait! I didn't know she had laser eyes. I want to trade back. (Perry sends a punch at Doofenshmirtz) Oof! Well, yours may have laser eyes, but mine breathes (The dragon robot shoots fire from behind Doof) f- (He screams as the fire rushes past) (The dragon robot stops shooting fire) That was a stupid design.

(At the castle)
Grandpa Fletcher: Commence with round Two!

(With that, Charles, now wearing his knight helmet, charged towards Phineas and Ferb with his horse. This time however, Phineas and Ferb found themselves on both sides of their armor, with their heads sticking out from where the hands are. )
Phineas: Uh, oh! Ferb, I think we put it on sideways this time.
(The two horses crash into one another)
Grandpa Fletcher: It's a draw!
(The crowd cheers)

TV Announcer: This just in: A giant mechanical Queen Elizabeth I and a dragon are rampaging through the country engaged in an apparent duel to the death. And in other news, a new version of Jane Eyre is in the offing.

(the robots continue fighting)
Lawrence: (Reading from a newspaper inside a taxicab driving past the fight) Good heavens, look at that! They're making a new version of Jane Eyre.
Doofenshmirtz: (Laughs) Obviously, your Queen Elizabeth I is no match for my dragon! (The Queen Elizabeth robot breaks the headlock she was in) That Queen Elizabeth is a tough old bird.
(Perry continues to wail on Doofenshmirtz, until, Doofenshmirtz accidentally pushes a button)
Computer: Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button.
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, that's just great!
(He slams down on the console)
Computer: Thank you for pressing the ejection button. Remember to take a parachute with you.
Doofenshmirtz: Now you tell me!

(At the castle)
Charles: Look, everyone, it's the ghost of the Black Knight.
Phineas: I guess he's still in search of the dragon.
(The Dragon falls onto the medieval festive)
Computer: To order a parachute, please call our help desk. Self-destruct in 3, 2, 1.
(As the dragon self destructs, Candace runs into it. The resulting explosion sends Candace into the castle, then crashing back down the tower, only to be caught by Charles)
Candace: Hi, Charles.
Grandpa Fletcher: Jolly good, old bean.
Phineas: Ah! There you are, Perry.
Lawrence: Hello. we had the most amazing time. Look! I found this 19th century barometer. Anything interesting happen 'round here?
(There's silence for a moment)
Ferb: I hear there's a new version of Jane Eyre in the offing.

End Credits[]

(standalone broadcasts only)
(Song: "Perry the Platypus")
Male Singer: He's a semi-aquatic, egg-laying mammal of action
Backing scat: Dooby dooby doo-bah
Dooby dooby doo-bah
Male Singer: He's a furry little flatfoot, who'll never flinch from a fray........!
He's got more than just mad skill,
Female Singer: Wah-ah-ah
Male Singer: He's got a beaver tail and a bill
Female Singer: Ah-ah
Male Singer: And the women swoon whenever they hear him say:
(Perry chatters, women faint)
Male Singer: He's Perry! Perry the Platypus!


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"One Good Scare Ought to Do It!"
Episode transcripts Next:
"I, Brobot"
v - e - dEpisode transcripts
Season 1
"Rollercoaster" | "Lawn Gnome Beach Party of Terror" | "Flop Starz" | "The Fast and the Phineas"
"Lights, Candace, Action!" | "Raging Bully" | "Candace Loses Her Head" | "I, Brobot"
"Run Away Runway" | "The Magnificent Few" | "S'Winter" | "Jerk De Soleil" | "Are You My Mummy?"
"Ready for the Bettys" | "I Scream, You Scream" | "Toy to the World" | "Get That Bigfoot Outa My Face!"
"It's a Mud, Mud, Mud, Mud World" | "Mom's Birthday" | "Journey to the Center of Candace"
"It's About Time!" | "Dude, We're Getting the Band Back Together" | "Tree to Get Ready"
"The Ballad of Badbeard" | "Greece Lightning" | "Leave the Busting to Us!" | "Crack That Whip"
"The Best Lazy Day Ever" | "Boyfriend From 27,000 B.C." | "Voyage to the Bottom of Buford"
"A Hard Day's Knight" | "Traffic Cam Caper" | "Bowl-R-Ama Drama" | "Got Game?" | "Comet Kermillian"
"Put That Putter Away" | "Does This Duckbill Make Me Look Fat?" | "The Flying Fishmonger"
"One Good Scare Ought to Do It!" | "The Monster of Phineas-n-Ferbenstein" | "Oil on Candace"
"Out of Toon" | "Hail Doofania!" | "Out to Launch" | "Phineas and Ferb Get Busted!"
"Unfair Science Fair" | "Unfair Science Fair Redux (Another Story)"
Season 2
"The Lake Nose Monster" | "Interview With a Platypus" | "Tip of the Day" | "Attack of the 50 Foot Sister"
"Backyard Aquarium" | "Day of the Living Gelatin" | "Elementary My Dear Stacy" | "Don't Even Blink"
"Chez Platypus" | "Perry Lays an Egg" | "Gaming the System" | "The Chronicles of Meap"
"Thaddeus and Thor" | "De Plane! De Plane!" | "Let's Take a Quiz" | "At the Car Wash"
"Oh, There You Are, Perry" | "Swiss Family Phineas" | "Hide and Seek" | "That Sinking Feeling"
"The Baljeatles" | "Vanessassary Roughness" | "No More Bunny Business" | "Spa Day"
"Phineas and Ferb Musical Cliptastic Countdown" | "Phineas and Ferb's Quantum Boogaloo"
"Bubble Boys" | "Isabella and the Temple of Sap" | "Cheer Up Candace" | "Fireside Girl Jamboree"
"The Bully Code" | "Finding Mary McGuffin" | "Picture This" | "Nerdy Dancin'" | "What Do It Do?"
"Atlantis" | "Phineas and Ferb Christmas Vacation!" | "Just Passing Through" | "Candace's Big Day"
"I Was a Middle Aged Robot" | "Suddenly Suzy" | "Undercover Carl" | "Hip Hip Parade"
"Invasion of the Ferb Snatchers" | "Ain't No Kiddie Ride" | "Not Phineas and Ferb"
"Phineas and Ferb-Busters!" | "The Lizard Whisperer" | "Robot Rodeo" | "The Beak" | "She's the Mayor"
"The Lemonade Stand" | "Phineas and Ferb Hawaiian Vacation" | "Nerds of a Feather" | "Wizard of Odd"
"We Call it Maze" | "Ladies and Gentlemen, Meet Max Modem!" | "The Secret of Success"
"The Doof Side of the Moon" | "Split Personality" | "Brain Drain" | "Rollercoaster: The Musical!"
"Make Play" | "Candace Gets Busted"
Season 3
"The Great Indoors" | "Canderemy" | "Run, Candace, Run" | "Last Train to Bustville"
"Phineas' Birthday Clip-O-Rama!" | "The Belly of the Beast" | "Moon Farm" | "Ask a Foolish Question"
"Misperceived Monotreme" | "Candace Disconnected" | "Magic Carpet Ride" | "Bad Hair Day"
"Meatloaf Surprise" | "Phineas and Ferb Interrupted" | "A Real Boy" | "Mommy Can You Hear Me?"
"Road Trip" | "Tour de Ferb" | "Skiddley Whiffers" | "My Fair Goalie" | "Bullseye!" | "That's the Spirit"
"The Curse of Candace" | "Escape from Phineas Tower" | "Lotsa Latkes" | "Ferb Latin"
"A Phineas and Ferb Family Christmas" | "Tri-Stone Area" | "Doof Dynasty" | "Excaliferb"
"Phineas and Ferb and the Temple of Juatchadoon" | "Monster from the Id" | "Gi-Ants"
"The Remains of the Platypus" | "Mom's in the House" | "Perry The Actorpus" | "Let's Bounce"
"Bully Bromance Breakup" | "Quietest Day Ever" | "‎‎The Doonkelberry Imperative" | "Meapless in Seattle"
"Delivery of Destiny" | "Buford Confidential" | "The Mom Attractor" | "Cranius Maximus" | "Agent Doof"
"Minor Monogram" | "What A Croc!" | "Sleepwalk Surprise" | "Sci-Fi Pie Fly" | "Sipping with the Enemy"
"Tri-State Treasure: Boot of Secrets" | "Doofapus" | "Norm Unleashed" | "Where's Perry?"
"Where's Perry? (Part Two)" | "Ferb TV" | "When Worlds Collide" | "What'd I Miss?" | "Road to Danville"
"This Is Your Backstory" | "Blackout!"
Season 4
"For Your Ice Only" | "Happy New Year!" | "Fly On the Wall" | "Bully Bust" | "My Sweet Ride"
"Der Kinderlumper" | "Sidetracked" | "Primal Perry" | "Mind Share" | "Backyard Hodge Podge"
"Bee Day" | "Bee Story" | "Great Balls Of Water" | "Where's Pinky?"
"Phineas and Ferb Musical Cliptastic Countdown Hosted by Kelly Osbourne"
"Knot My Problem" | "Just Desserts" | "La Candace-Cabra" | "Happy Birthday, Isabella"
"Love at First Byte" | "One Good Turn" | "Thanks But No Thanks" | "Troy Story" | "Druselsteinoween"
"Terrifying Tri-State Trilogy of Terror" | "Face Your Fear" | "Cheers for Fears" | "Steampunx"
"Just Our Luck" | "Return Policy" | "Live and Let Drive" | "Father's Day" | "Imperfect Storm"
"The Return of the Rogue Rabbit" | "It's No Picnic" | "The Klimpaloon Ultimatum"
"Operation Crumb Cake" | "Mandace" | "Lost in Danville" | "The Inator Method"
"Tales from the Resistance: Back to the 2nd Dimension" | "Doof 101" | "Act Your Age"
Season 5
"Summer Block Buster" | "Cloudy with a Chance of Mom" | "Appetite for Adventure" | "License to Bust"
"Dry Another Day" | "Deconstructing Doof" | "Tropey McTropeface" | "Biblio-Blast!" | "A Chip to the Vet"
"More Than an Intern" | "The Aurora Perry-Alis" | "Agent T (For Teen)" | "The Haberdasher"
"The Candace Suit" | "Out of Character" | "Meap Me in St. Louis"
Specials
Original Pitch | "Phineas and Ferb: Summer Belongs to You!" | "Phineas and Ferb: Mission Marvel"
"Phineas and Ferb Save Summer" | "Phineas and Ferb: Star Wars" | "Night of the Living Pharmacists"
"Last Day of Summer" | "O.W.C.A. Files" | "The Phineas and Ferb Effect"
Films
Across the 2nd Dimension | Candace Against the Universe
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