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A Phineas and Ferb Family Christmas/Transcript

< A Phineas and Ferb Family Christmas

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(Scene opens up showing the Flynn-Fletcher house.)
Phineas: Ah, summer. Sunny, warm, some might say hot, it sure would be nice to cool off for a bit. Any ideas? (Ferb takes out a map of Antarctica) Well, while a visit to Antarctica does sound cool, I was thinking of a traditional family Christmas special.
Director: All right, people, let's move in. Move in! All right, lights, camera, sweaters. Can't have Christmas without sweaters! And... cue snow!

(Song: We Wish You A Merry Christmas (instrumental))
Man: (shakes box of fake snow)
Phineas: That's more like it! Hit it, fellas!
(camera zooming in)
Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, it's the 12th annual Phineas and Ferb Family Christmas! Brought to you by Wintobreath toothpaste! Now with more inert ingredients. Tonight, celebrate the holidays with Phineas, Ferb, and the whole Flynn-Fletcher family! With Isabella! Buford and Baljeet! Famous singer Kelly Clarkson! And now your hosts: Phineas and Ferb!
Phineas: Happy holidays, everybody! Welcome to our family Christmas special. Come on in, put on a sweater, grab a hot cup of cocoa, and have a seat by one of those extras as we celebrate the holidays. (door knocking) Who could that be? (Ferb opens door)
Isabella: Whatcha doin'?
Phineas: Why, it's Isabella!
Isabella: You know what I love best about this time of year?
Phineas: No, tell us!
Isabella: It's the music, like this little number: Let it Snow.

(Song: Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow)
La, la la la, la la la
La la la, la la la, la la la

Oh, the weather outside is frightful
But the fire is so delightful
And since we've no place to go
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

It doesn't show signs of stopping
And I've bought some corn for popping
The lights are turned way down low
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

When we finally kiss goodnight (Kiss goodnight)
How I'll hate going out in the storm (In the storm)
But if you'll really hold me tight (Hold me tight)
All the way home I'll be warm

Well, the fire is slowly dying
And, my dear, we're still good-bying
But as long as you love me so
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!
(Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow)
Let it snow!

Candace: (opens door) What is all this? (snow falls on her, and growls) Fake snow, fake house, and who are all these people?
Isabella: Extras!
Extra: Not me, I've got a speaking part. But it's just this line. So it's pretty much over now.
Candace: And where did you get those ugly sweaters?
Old Woman: (knitting a sweater) Hey!
Phineas: It's Christmas, Candace!
Candace: It's the middle of summer.
Phineas: Well, no sense waiting 'till the last minute.
Candace: Wait, (grabbing the "camera") are you guys taping this?
Phineas: Actually, we're live.
Candace: This is on TV right now?
Phineas: Yup.
Candace: (turns on TV) Ee-ee-ee-ee... (the TV echoes her giggle and line) I have to make a phone call. (runs off-screen)
Phineas: Candace Flynn, everyone! Up next is our good friend—Hey, where is Perry?

Major Monogram: I'm sorry, Agent P. Carl's an extra in some Christmas show, and I don't know what Doof is doing today. You know what, I'm just gonna send you over there blind. (salutes) Good luck.
(Perry salutes back)
Perry!

Candace: (behind the set) Mom, Phineas and Ferb are making Christmas in July. (looks over the side of the set)
Linda: (rummaging through her bag) Well, isn't that cute.
Candace: Do you happen to be standing near a television?
Linda: I think there's a whole wall of them behind me.
Candace: Would you turn around and look at the TVs?
Linda: Okay.
(TVs change to Wintobreath advertising)
Narrator: Tonight's special is brought to you by the good folks at Wintobreath toothpaste!
Linda: Oh, you're right, Candace. We do need toothpaste. Thanks for reminding me.
Candace: Oh, wait wait, no, aw!

Lawrence: Oh, how nice! A traditional Christmas special. As my Granddad used to say: "Lung me yellum reek and wits fulgey an'ool bool bay-a!!"
Isabella: What does that mean?
Lawrence: Well, hopefully something festive.
Candace: You too, Dad?
Lawrence: Merry Christmas, everybody!

Doofenshmirtz: (pauses broadcast) Wait, w-w-what's going on here? Is it Christmas already? What happened to fall? I'm totally unprepared. I-I got to get my yuletide on, and fast!

Isabella: What's wrong, Phineas? You don't look very happy for Christmas Eve.
Phineas: Everyone's come together for the holidays, but Perry's still not here.
Isabella: He knows it's not really Christmas, right?
Ferb: Every family Christmas special needs a little false drama.
Isabella: Ah!
(door knocking)
Phineas: Who could that be?
Ferb: (opens door)
Phineas: It's famous singer Kelly Clarkson!
(crowd cheering)
Kelly Clarkson: Happy holidays, everyone!
Isabella: Oh, Kelly Clarkson, can you sing us a song?
Kelly Clarkson: Oh, you guys don't wanna hear me sing. (all clamoring) Well, I don't really have anything prepared...
Phineas: Oh, that's too bad. Well, have a seat. We'll have someone else sing.
Kelly Clarkson: Oh, okay.

Doofenshmirtz: (singing to the tune of "We Wish You A Merry Christmas," muffled) Oh, Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated,
Oh, righty tighty, lefty loosey
Oh, my decorations are almost done
(Perry bursts in and sees a mistletoe thinking it's a trap; he tiptoes and rolls by it)
Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus! How noel-y of you! (shoots his trap wrapping Perry in wrapping paper; he reels the trap) For some reason, Christmas seemed to have snuck up on me this year, and I'm a bit behind on my shopping. But I have a solution: (Pulls tarp) The Transport-inator! (ominous music plays) To instantly transport me to the stores while everyone else is circling around looking for a parking spot. I-It's not exactly evil, but it's slightly unfair. Let the last minute shopping begin! (activates the Transport-inator; he disappears and the -inator fires a laser)

Phineas: Hey! Who's that coming down the chimney?
Baljeet: Aaaahhhh! (lands on the cardboard flame; he is wearing an elf costume) Oof!
Phineas, Isabella: Could it be?
Baljeet: Oh! I am sorry Phineas, I seem to have broken your fire.
Phineas: It's Baljeet! As long as you're here, how about a song?
Baljeet: Well, it was going to be a duet, but: (clears throat)

(Song: Good King Wenceslas)
Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the Feast of Stephen

Buford: Sorry I'm late! I was busy doing some rewrites.
Baljeet: Rewrites?
Buford: I've highlighted your parts; now sing along!

Santa Claus and all his elves are making gifts for Buford!
Baljeet: I don't think that's how it goes.
Buford: Nobody's asking you, nerd!

Baljeet: Buford! You're completely disrespecting this classic song. You're ignoring the historical context! King Wenceslas was a great man. You have no idea what this song is about!
Buford: I know all about this song!

The words were by an English guy; the music's Scandinavian
Wenceslas was five-foot-six; he kept his face unshaven
Though just a duke throughout his life, he always ruled so justly
His kingly title was conferred upon him posthumously

Baljeet: Well, I stand corrected. You seem to have a lot of information. But if you know so much about it, why do you not sing the original song?
Buford: I like my version better. It's about me!

Buford should get lots of gifts every Christmas season
When I see presents just for me, it always is so pleasin'
That is why I changed the words, to make this song more edgy
If you don't like the way I sing, you'll get a Christmas wedgie!

Baljeet: (laughs) Oh.
Kelly Clarkson: You know, if you guys want me to sing, I could certainly...
Phineas: No, sit down, relax. Don't worry about it.
Kelly Clarkson: Are you guys sure? 'Cause it wouldn't be...
Phineas: No, we wouldn't want you to have to work on Christmas Eve!
Kelly Clarkson: Oh... uh, okay. (sits next to the extra from earlier)
Extra: I had one line earlier.
Kelly Clarkson: And now you have two.
Extra: Ooh!

Doofenshmirtz: (in a supermarket checkout lane, loading his presents onto the counter) Whew! Hey, what's with the total lack of Christmas decorations this year? A-Are you guys just being lazy or what? (reaches to pick up his presents, but is hit by the Transport-inator's beam) Wait, wha-, wait, my packages! (Doofenshmirtz disappears from the checkout counter)
Cashier: (into intercom) Customer vaporization in aisle 4.

Doofenshmirtz: (back at D.E.I.; Perry has pressed the -inator's reverse button) A reverse button? Really? I guess you think you're pretty clever. (Perry kicks Doofenshmirtz, who reels him in with the wrapping paper shooter; Perry winds his wrapping paper around Doof's legs, tearing the paper and falling near a pile of fruitcakes. Perry uses his free tail to launch fruitcakes at Doofenshmirtz) Not fruitcake! (The first one misses; the second hits Doof in the mouth, and he falls down. The next three hit the Transport-inator, causing it to spark and activate. Perry jumps into the Transport-inator's beam and disappears) Now where did he go?

Phineas: Well, still no sign of Perry, but we're running out of time! Perhaps we should open our presents. (the beam enters the cabin's window and hits a present; Phineas opens that present to reveal Perry) Hey, look, everybody! It's Perry! We're all together after all. This is the best Christmas ever!

(Song: We Wish You A Merry Christmas)
All: We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
And a happy New Year

Phineas: We wish you the best day ever
And hope all your Christmas endeavors
Are super-fun, amazing, and clever
And that your New Year's rocks too

Isabella: Oh, come tell me whatcha doin'
All my relatives just flew in
From Mexico and Jerusalem
For the holidays

Both Christmas trees and menorahs
It can be confusing for us
When we break into a chorus
Of "olé" (¡Olé!) and "oy vey" (Oy vey!)

Major Monogram: Good missions I'll give
To Agents A through Z
Carl, get away from that punch bowl!
I'm saving that for me

All: We wish you a Perry Christmas
We wish you a Perry Christmas
We wish you a Perry Christmas
And a (Gyururururu) New Year

Baljeet: I wish for a calculator-
Slash-Hindi-English translator
To find a common denominator
In both of my tongues

Buford: Good wedgies I'll give
To all of you nerds
That's how I say "Merry Christmas"
I ain't good with words

Doofenshmirtz: I wish you would let me rule you
In evil I'm going to school you
I won't sugarcoat or fool you
Your New Year's looks grim

All: We wish your every endeavor
Makes this the best Christmas ever
And we're all so glad that we have never
Mentioned figgy pudding...
A-ahh!!!!

(the Transport-inator zaps all the Christmas decorations and extras out of the Flynn-Fletcher backyard and into D.E.I.)
Doofenshmirtz: Ugh. How come the reverse switch works for Perry the Platypus, but not me?

Linda: Hey boys, I heard you were doing Christmas in July.
Candace: Yes, yes they were! And, and...it was actually really sweet.
Linda, Lawrence, Phineas, Ferb, Isabella, Buford, Baljeet: Awww.

Doofenshmirtz: Wait. Aren't--Aren't you Kelly Clarkson?
Kelly Clarkson: Why yes, yes I am.
Doofenshmirtz: You're standing on my hand.
Kelly Clarkson: Oh! Sorry.
Doofenshmirtz: No, no, it was a huge honor. Hey, since you're here, you wanna sing a song?
Kelly Clarkson: Uh, you know, I would love to. (the Transport-inator begins to shake) Wait, what's that?
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, that's my -inator. It's probably just gonna blow up.
Kelly Clarkson: (running away, followed by the extras) I'm outta here! (the -inator explodes; Kelly Clarkson glides away on a glider with her face on it)
Doofenshmirtz: Curse you, Perry the Platypus! And to a lesser extent, Kelly Clarkson, although I do love her work.

End Credits

(Song: Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow)
Isabella: It doesn't show signs of stopping
And I've bought some corn for popping
The lights are turned way down low
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

(La, la la la, la la la) A-a-ah...
(La la la, la la la, la la la) Let it snow!
(Let it snow) O-oh, o-o-o-o-o-oh...
(Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!) Let it snow!

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