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Ain't No Kiddie Ride/Transcript

< Ain't No Kiddie Ride

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(Scene opens up showing the Superduper Mega Superstore.)
Candace: Hurry, Mom! You're nobody unless you're somebody in Glosstacular lipstick!
Linda: All right, Candace. At least let me stop the car.
Candace: I'm nobody unless I'm somebody! I'm nobody unless I'm somebody!
Linda: I want you boys to pick out some nice back-to-school clothes. (Phineas, Ferb, and Linda enters the store, and presently walk back out) Wow, that was fast.
Phineas: Well, we do have a signature look. (Phineas sheepishly grins as they have the opposite clothes) Although Perry's mixing it up a bit.
(Perry, wearing a green scarf, chatters)
Linda: Cute. Okay, here's some quarters for the arcade. I'm gonna see what's keeping your sister.
Phineas: Okay. See you later, Mom. With this many quarters we can play seventy-two straight hours of– Hey, check it out. This was my favorite ride when I was little.
Repairman: Better enjoy it while you can, boys. These old fellows are pretty worn out. I'll be back in a little while to haul them away.
Phineas: What a shame. I wonder if they're still as much fun as they used to be.
(In a flashback Phineas and Ferb ride the spaceship rides to defeat a giant robot)
Phineas: You know, in retrospect, I may have over-romanticized those memories. But I'll bet with a little effort and some unstable uranium isotopes, we could make them that much fun. Ferb, I know what we're gonna– Hey, where's Perry?
Buford: (playing a dancing game with Baljeet as Perry walks past) Oh, get with the beat. You're messing up my score.

(Perry puts a coin into a driving game, and then drives the entire console away to his lair)
Major Monogram: Carl, are you sure I don't have any more clean uniforms?
Carl: That's the last one, sir.
Major Monogram: I mean, seriously. I'm growing mushrooms under here. (He sniffs himself) I don't smell too bad, do I?
Carl: I can't smell a thing.
Major Monogram: Well, that's a relief. I thought maybe I was–
Carl: No, I can't smell a thing, sir, I have no sense of smell.
Major Monogram: Really?
Carl: I was born without nostrils, sir.
Major Monogram: Oh, I thought you were joking about that on your resume. (Perry arrives) Ah, Agent P. Uh, just give me a few seconds. (Major Monogram transfers to the screen of the video game cabinet) Dr. Doofenshmirtz has been buying up every can of aerosol deodorant in the Tri-State Area. And I'm starting to smell like a science-fiction convention. We need you to find out what he's doing with all those aerosol spray cans and put a stop to it. Good luck, Agent P.

Doofenshmirtz walks to the diner!
Doofenshmirtz: I just called in a to-go order for Doofenshmirtz.
Waitress: Hey, Vic? You got an order for Doofyberg?
Doofenshmirtz: No, no, no, "Doofenshmirtz." Heinz Doofenshmirtz. Surely you've heard of me.
Waitress: Okay, order for Hans Doofensmit. Is that right?
Doofenshmirtz: No, "Doofenshmirtz." Doofen-- My brother is the mayor.
Waitress: Roger Doofenshmirtz is your brother?
Doofenshmirtz: Yes, Doofenshmirtz.
Waitress: And your name is?
Doofenshmirtz: Heinz Doofenshmirtz.
Waitress: Do we have an order for a Hans Doofenblatz?
Doofenshmirtz: Mark my words. You will remember the name of Heinz Doofenshmirtz. Hm! (He walks out of the diner, but soon pops his head back in) Could I still get my whole wheat on rye?
Waitress: Sure, what's your name?

(Phineas and Ferb work on the kiddie rides)
Phineas: All done.
Isabella: Hey, Phineas. Whatcha doin'?
Phineas: Oh, hey, Isabella.
Buford: Hey, losers.
Phineas: Oh, hey, guys.
Buford: Don't tell me you're playing with that lame kiddie ride.
Phineas: We've tricked it out, and now it's pretty awesome.
Buford: I'll be the judge of that, step aside. This better be worth a quarter. (Sarcastically, as the ride shakes back and forth) Ooh. This is so exciting. Let me catch my breath.
Baljeet: What is not to like? It has what every kid loves: rocking back-and-forth, and slowness.
Phineas: May I suggest pressing that red button?
Buford: Ooh, can I? (He presses the red button, and the ride sprouts a rocket engine and takes off)
Phineas: So, what do you think?
Buford: (Screaming) I got it. Woo-hoo! This is awesome!

Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus. How predictable. And by "predictable," I mean completely...dictable, I guess. Anyway...
(He pushes a button on a controller, which opens a trap door. Perry falls into a slicked-up pitfall trap then tries to escape.)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, don't bother trying to escape. The walls are made of a super-slick alloy and treated with a few dozen coats of non-stick cooking spray. I'm sure you've noticed my impressive collection of aerosol spray cans. Every can of aerosol deodorant, hair spray and bug repellent from the Tri-State area. All mine. I'm tapping into their ozone-depleting propellants to fuel my latest evil scheme: The aerosol-propelled ozone deplete-inator! The citizens of Danville will definitely learn the name of Heinz Doofenshmirtz when I spell it out in the sky in hundred-foot-tall letters made of atmosphere-destroying aerosol gasses, thereby depleting the protective ozone layer. And the resulting radiation will burn my name right through town. Then they'll remember. And if they don't, they can just look outside. (He cackles) I need a little drink of water after a tirade like that.

Candace: Ah, Glosstaculick! Now I can blow up a bounce house and my lips would still be shiny! (She starts to put on lipstick, but Buford zips past her, ruining it; now in busting mode) I bet Phineas and Ferb are behind this...
Buford: Wow, that was fun.
Candace: (walks up to them) I've got you this time! And to make sure this doesn't disappear, I'm going to sit here on the evidence 'till Mom comes back!
Buford: This is gonna be worth a quarter.
(Buford puts a quarter into the kiddie ride, and Candace gets launched away in the rocket)
Candace: Help me!
Phineas: Hang on, Candace, we're right behind you. Good thing we tricked out the other rides. Come on.

(Song: "Ain't No Kiddie Ride")
Ooh
Candace: Phineas!
Phineas: Hang on, Candace! We're coming!
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Well, the way things look can give the wrong impression
(Candace screams)
But if you adjust the torque
And check the valve compression
Well, you would be advised and realize
That the old cliché is true
You can't judge a book by the way it looks
Boy, the truth is up to you
Like Jekyll and Hyde appearances aside
Ain't no kiddie ride
Ooh
Ain't no kiddie ride
Yeah
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Ain't no kiddie ride
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

Phineas: Nuts. Lost her in the skyline. Isabella, we need you to get us an aerial view.
Isabella: Sure, Phineas. Whee!
(Candace blasts through a farm house)
Farmer: Well, what do you know? Nostradamus was right.
Isabella: Wow, she just flew through a barn and her lips are still shiny.
Baljeet: Oh, my friends. It appears that I am out of fuel.
Phineas: No, Baljeet. (On radio) Just put in another quarter.
Baljeet: But all I have is a dollar. (He notices that the machine takes bills) Oh. What do you know. (He tries several times to get the ride to take his dollar, but the machine won't) Hm. Oh, come on.

Doofenshmirtz: Ah, water. It's like drinking wet air. Now, Perry the Platypus, sit back and listen as the entire Tri-State Area screams the name Heinz Doofenshmirtz and never forgets it again! (Two aerosol cans fall into Perry's trap, and he uses them to propel his way out) Hold it right there, Perry the Platypus. (Doofenshmirtz tries to crush Perry with his giant mechanical hand, but Perry dodge it) Agh!

(Candace screams as her engine begins sputtering, and her rocket loses power, sending her falling into Danville Canyon)
Candace:Uh-oh. (She screams) Phineas, help, I'm falling!
Phineas: Just put in another quarter.
Candace: I don't have another quarter!
(Song: Phinedroids and Ferbots Instrumental)
(Ferb dances to the music to earn a coin, which he shoots into Candace's rocket, giving it back it's power)

Doofenshmirtz: (He laughs) Hey, nice move, Perry the Platypus, I got to "hand" it to you. Here, let me give you a "hand." Hey, hey. I'm gonna crush you with my big mechanical "hand." Ha! Well, I– I guess that one was just literal, but I've got you now. (Candace bursts through Doofenshmirtz's lair, cutting off the giant hand)
Doofenshmirtz: Wow. Nostradamus was right. (Perry uses the giant hand to smack Doofenshmirtz into the trap he was previously in)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh nice... nice one. Catch the villain in his own trap. That's not ironic, Perry the Platypus, it's...it's cliché, that's what it is. It's just plain lazy on your part. Curse you, Perry the Platypus!

[or in subsequent airings]
Doofenshmirtz: Ow! You know, I don't come to your house and– Wait, these don't have any chlorofluorocarbons in them at all. These aerosol cans are completely harmless! Wh-what was I thinking‽ Curse you, Perry the Platypus!

Isabella: Okay, I got her. Yee-haw!
(Isabella lasos Candace's ride, bringing it under control)
Phineas: Good work, everybody. Let's bring it on back to the store.
Phineas: (At the store) (To Candace) Well, it looks like you made it back in one piece.
Candace: You guys are gonna be so busted when I show Mom what you did to those rides.
(Perry chatters)
Phineas: Oh, there you are, Perry.
Repairman: All right, one side, kids. We're replacing these old rides with brand-new identical ones. With special emphasis on the identical. See you.
Phineas: Bye, now. Well, that was fun. Maybe tomorrow we can supe up our old bikes.
Buford: Lame.
Phineas: That's what you said about the kiddie rides.
Buford: And I was right, until I wasn't. (They go off; Candace arrives with Linda right on schedule.)
Candace: (Talking fast) Here it is, Mom, I'll show you! If you'll give me a quarter, please? (She sits in the ride)
Linda: Aren't you a little old for kiddie rides?
Candace: No, no, I'm not! Check it out! (puts quarter in ride)
(The ride operates normally; long pause as Candace stares, stunned)
Linda: (dryly) Well...I guess it does have rocking back-and-forth and slowness? (Candace does not say anything.)

(Back with Baljeet) Baljeet: (After ironing his dollar bill) Okay, dollar, this is your last chance. (The ironing table goes off; Baljeet kicks ride in frustration, the ride goes off)

End credits

(Song: "Ain't No Kiddie Ride")
Well, the way things look can give the wrong impression
(Candace screams)
But if you adjust the torque
And check the valve compression
Well, you would be advised and realize
That the old cliché is true
You can't judge a book by the way it looks
Boy, the truth is up to you
(Screaming)
Like Jekyll and Hyde appearances aside
Ain't no kiddie ride

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