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Backyard Aquarium/Transcript

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(Scene opens up with a goldfish and Phineas's head is seen behind.)
Phineas: There's our new pet Goldie. I wonder if we're as cute to her as she is to us? (Pause) Yeah, yeah we are. What can we do for Goldie since she's already done so much for us?
(The boys thinks when Ferb gets an idea and pulls out a blueprint)
Phineas: A marine-life aquarium? Great idea, Ferb! Let's build a best ever of one of these and give Goldie that special home she deserves. Does that sound good to you, Perry?
(Perry chatters)
Phineas: (At Goldie) So it's unanimous. Hey, where's Candace?

(Scene cut to the kitchen)
Linda: Candace? Where are you? (Notices Candace) What are you doing?
Candace: Waiting for Jeremy to call! You see, last night, at the movies, he said was going to call soon. So I calculated that "soon" must mean first thing in the morning since "soon" can't refer to a period in excess of or equal to 24 hours, give or take a 59 minute cushion of time, on either side of the event in question. (Candace holds up a notepad of her math) See? I had it all figured out right here on this notepad. I even showed my math!
Linda: Uh...
Candace: Wait! Maybe I should have carried the one instead of dividing by Jeremy's face...
Linda: Well, I'm off to my favorite author's book signing. Try not to freak out on your brothers while I'm gone.
Candace: Mom! I don't frea—Oh my gosh! The square root of "soon" is "never"!

(Scene cut to the backyard)
Phineas: I got the filter done, how's the water coming?
Ferb: (Thumbs up)

(Scene cut to a woman in the garden watering her plants when suddenly the water stops)
Woman: Herman! Are you taking a shower?
Herman: No.
Woman: (Pause) Well, you need one!

(Scene cut to the backyard)
Phineas: There you go, Goldie! Your new home! It's huge, it's amazing... it's lonely. We need to get her some new friends.

(Scene cut to a boat out in the ocean)
Boat captain: Say, aren't you boys a little young to man a fishing vessel?
Phineas: Why, yes. Yes we are.
Boat captain: Alright then.
Phineas: Hey, where's Perry?


(Scene cut to Perry leaving a elevator.)
Major Monogram: Oh, Agent P, uh, pardon the newspapers, but, uh, we have a lot of new young recruits coming through here today, and, well, they aren't, uh, trained yet. Anyway, Doofenshmirtz has recently purchased the entire Tri-State Area's supply of bratwurst. Get to the bottom of it. Oh, and, uh, watch your step on the way out.


(Scene shifts back to the backyard aquarium, where more fish are surrounding Goldie.)
Phineas: Goldie, how do you like your new friends?
(An orca eats Goldie.)
Phineas: NOOOOOOOOO!
(The orca sprays Goldie out of its blowhole, Ferb catches her and puts her back in the water.)
Phineas: That was cool enough to be in one of those trained marine animal shows. Hmm...Ferb, I know what else we're gonna do today.


Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!

(Perry bursts down the door in fighting stance. His perspective, Doofenshmirtz is sitting in a chair, but does not move. Perry poses again, but Doofenshmirtz still does not move. Perry flops over to Doofenshmirtz and poses, then presses Doofenshmirtz's nose. Still, he does not move. Perry repeatedly presses Doofenshmirtz's nose.)
Doofenshmirtz: (singsong) Yoo-hoo! Perry the Platypus!
(Doofenshmirtz activates a remote; the fake Doofenshmirtz inflates, then explodes into a rope around Perry.)
Doofenshmirtz: Say hello to the Platypus Secret Agent Arrival In Order To Foil My Evil Plot Capture-inator! Or as I like to call it: my P.S.A.A.I.O.T.F.M.E.P.C.-inator. I made it up myself. Enough chit-chat! Let me tell you my latest evil scheme. You see, back before I was evil, I was something a little less than evil. I was a bratwurst street vendor.
(Flashback of a younger Doofenshmirtz with a mobile bratwurst stand.)
Doofenshmirtz Quality Bratwurst (cymbal crash)
(End flashback; Doofenshmirtz is smiling. Perry gives an exhausted look.)
Doofenshmirtz: What? They have those. See? Nobody remembers them. You know why? Because of the hot dog vendors! Oh, how I hated them! They had it all! They had chrome-plated carts and endorsement deals and fancy blimps! And what did we have? Only superior workmanship, finer meats, and exotic spices.
(Flashback once again to Doofenshmirtz as a bratwurst vendor.)
Doofenshmirtz: (voiceover) I was sure that it was just a matter of time before the public would recognize our superior quality.
Kid 1: How do you know when you're really lame?
Kid 2: When you sell bratwurst! (kids laugh)
Doofenshmirtz: (voiceover) Then and there, I swore...
(End flashback.)
Doofenshmirtz (cont'd): (walking up to a tarp) I would get my revenge. (uncovering the tarp) Behold, the Hot-Dog-Vendor-Revenge-inator! Or my H.D.V.R.....ina...I...I have to work on my acronyms. Here's how it works. (presses a remote button lowering a screen showing a slideshow) The Revenge-inator sets off a freon blast to an unsuspecting hot dog vendor encasing their hot water boilers in a sheet of ice and rendering their hot dogs cold and soggy. (He presses the remote again ending the slideshow and raising the screen back up) And once I've taken the hot out of the dog, they'll be forced to sell my bratwursts instead! (Perry rolls his eyes.) Don't roll your eyes at me! It's a good plan! (huffs and crosses his arms) Sorry to go off on you like that, Perry the Platypus, but sometimes you just, oh, really push my buttons!

(Cut to Candace's bedroom, where she is holding her cell phone.)
Candace: Oh, I can't take anymore! I'm just gonna call him!
(Candace and Jeremy call each other at the same time. They both get a busy signal.)
(Song: When Will He Call Me?)
Hoo-hoo-hoo hoo hoo-hoo

When will he call me?
When will it ring?
Sometimes I think my sanity is hanging by a shoe string!
When will he call me?
How long is soon?
Should I check my watch, my calendar, or phases of the moon?

And he doesn't have to call me, he can e-mail me or text me,
But all this hanging by the phone has really vexed me,
I checked my messages, you know how it affects me,
'Cuz finding nothing in my inbox really wrecks me,

When will he call me? (Ooh waa aah aah)
When will he call me?
When will he call me?
Should I check my watch, my calendar or phases of the moon?

Candace: (looking out the window) Hey, what's with all these kids?

(Cut to the backyard. Candace appears from behind the fence.)
Candace: That's what I thought! Phineas and Ferb! I've so got them this time! (She snaps a photo with her phone, but looks at it to see a lot of fists in the air.) I can't send that to Mom! 'Scuse me! Comin' through! One side!
Man: Hey! No cuttin' in line!
Candace: It's my backyard! I outrank you!
Phineas: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Goldie's Aqueous Extravaganza.
(Candace hangs from a tree branch attempting to get a photo, but it snaps.)
Candace: Uh-oh! Yaaaahh! (She lands in the aquarium.)
Phineas: Ladies and gentlemen, our sister, Candace!
(Candace holds onto a dolphin's nose and gets flipped around on it.)
Candace: Phineas! Ablblblblblblblblblblblblblblbl...
Phineas: That's the spirit, Candace! Everybody!
All: (wagging their tongues) Ablblblblblblblblblblblblblblbl...
Candace: MAKE THIS FISH PUT ME DOWN!!!
Phineas: It's a mammal, Candace!
(The dolphin bumps Candace into the air and she screams and lands on another dolphin's nose.)
Candace: Meap.
(The dolphin flips its tail making Candace airborne once again.)
Phineas: Way to go, Candace!
Candace: How did I get in this fish show?!?!
Phineas: Mammal.
Candace: Whatever!
Phineas: Wow! You're a natural, Candace!
Candace: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
(Candace gets chased by the dolphin, which also gets chased by the orca carrying Goldie.)
Phineas: Hey, look at that! (an octopus swims by) Ferb, where did the octopus come from?
Candace: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
(Ferb looks at his notepad and simply shrugs. Cut back to Candace where she is being twirled around and around by the orca while being held by the octopus.)
Candace: Must...take...picture! (She snaps a pic.) Send!

(Cut to the bookstore, where there is a long line. We hear the muzak version of "Gitchee Gitchee Goo" over the speakers. Pan across to the front of the line where Linda is getting a book signed. The book is You & Your High-Strung Teen.)
Linda: I've gotta tell you, I read your first book and I love it.
Bridgette Oshinomi: Do you have a high-strung teen at home?
Linda: Uh, you could say that. (her phone beeps) Ooh, this must be her.
Bridgette Oshinomi: She sent you a picture? Lemme see.
Linda: Well...okay.
Bridgette Oshinomi: How bad can it be? After all, I've been through with own— (She sees the picture of Candace freaking out) Oh. (gives the phone back to Linda) I think that you need the rest of the set. (gives two books) Uh, and why don't you take a whack at that first book again?

(Cut back to Doofenshmirtz and Perry.)
Doofenshmirtz: And now, Perry the Platypus, (activating his inator) it is time for revenge! Goodbye, hot dog street ven— (Perry pushes Doof to the ground.) Oh, what the?! How did you get out of my trap? (Cut to reveal a wooden Perry in the trap with a tag saying "DECOY" on it.) A decoy? That doesn't even make any sense! But, okay, I surrender, I'm a reasonable man. (reaching around) I know when it's time to (grabs a bratwurst and whacks Perry with it) fight back! Waa-ha! (Perry wipes away the grease on his fur, takes off his fedora, and produces a hot dog from out of it.) Woo-ho-ho. Your hot dog is no match for my bratwurst!
(Doof and Perry fight each other like Yoda and Count Dooku in Attack of the Clones. At one point, Doof reaches out his hand as if he's attempting to use the Force. Perry looks behind him at a lightbulb bolted to the wall and then looks back at Doof.)
Doofenshmirtz: No, no, no, just kidding! I—But I made you look, didn't I? Huh? Huh?

(Cut back to the backyard, where Candace is still being flipped around like a rag doll.)
Candace: Wait a minute, is that Jeremy? What's he doing here? (Gets slapped by an orca tail.)
Jeremy: Hey, Candace, did you get my messages?
Candace: Messages? (Gets slapped by another orca tail and looks at her phone, while riding the dolphin.) Eleven messages? (Rides the dolphin, which goes through a hoop held up by Ferb.) He called me!
(The crowd goes wild.)
Jeremy: Go, Candace!
(Goldie then jumps through the hoop.)

(Cut back to the fight. We now hear lightsabre-esque sound effects coming from the bratwurst and the frankfurter. Doofenshmirtz gets swiped by Perry's hot dog and falls backwards, dropping his bratwurst. Perry points his hot dog to Doof in victory, but Doof eats it.)
Doofenshmirtz: Not so hotsy-totsy now! Are you, Perry the Platypus?
(Perry swipes his tail, which cuts through the bratwurst. A piece of it hits a button on the inator.)
Computer: Fire.
(The inator activates.)

(Cut to the backyard, where Candace is happily floating on her back.)
Candace: He called me! I can't believe he really called me!
(The dolphins and orcas jump up in a grand finale. The inator ray freezes the aquarium water, breaking the pool apart. Candace lands on the ice.)
Candace: What happened to all the fish? (slips on the ice) Aaaaaaaahhh!!! (She falls and gets caught by Jeremy.) Oh, my!
Jeremy: Wow! You were great back there!
Candace: Thanks!
Phineas: Great show, Ferb! I don't remember freezing the tank being part of the finale, but that rocked! Looks like it didn't freeze all the way through. Nice.

(Cut back to Doof and Perry.)
Doofenshmirtz: Eh, so what? Big deal. So it missed it's initial target. A minor setback. (Perry puts his finger on one of the bratwursts in the pile.) No wait! You'll disrupt the pile's equilibrium! (Perry takes the bratwurst out, nothing happens.) Well, hot diggity do— (All the bratwursts fall onto Doofenshmirtz and crash through the building and go down the streets.) Curse you, Perry the Platypus!!

(Cut back to the backyard.)
Jeremy: I've been trying to call all day.
Candace: Uh... hehehehehehehehehehehe...
Jeremy: (puts her down) Do you wanna go do something?
Candace: Omigosh, yes! (She bends down, and her butt somehow causes the ice block to move, taking the stadium seats with it. Linda's station wagon parks.)

Jeremy: Really, you didn't even look at your messages?
Candace: Yeah, I know.
Jeremy: That's okay, Candace. You looked like you were pretty busy.
(Linda approaches the two.)
Candace: Mom!
Jeremy: Hi, Mrs. Flynn.
Linda: Hi, Jeremy.
Candace: You have to come to the backyard! (Pushes Linda into the backyard) Phineas and Ferb built a whole aquarium with whales and everything!
Jeremy: I'll call ya in a little while.


Candace: You'll see! (Closes eyes) Tada!!
(Dramatic impact plays)
Phineas: Hi, Mom!
(Pause, Candace stares pointing with a deadpan expression on her face)
Linda: Look, honey! I brought ya a book.
(Long pause)
Candace: Did Jeremy just say he'll call me in a little while? (gets out her phone and dials) How long is that supposed to be?!

(Cut to Phineas and Ferb up in the tree. Phineas is looking through binoculars.)
Phineas: Well, I guess Goldie and her friends are headed to the ocean.
Ferb: Well, you know what they say, if you love something, set it free.
Phineas: Yeah, we do that every day with Perry. (Perry, also up in the tree, chatters.) Oh, there you are, Perry, we were just talkin' about you.

End Credits

(The woman who was gardening her plants looks at the ice block and stadium seats rolling down the streets. Cut to Danville Harbor. The seats and the ice block land in the water. Cut to underwater. Goldie and the animals are happily swimming in the ocean. Cut back to the woman.)
Woman: Are you takin' a shower now?
Herman: (offscreen, obnoxiously) Yes.
(The woman turns on her hose and Herman is heard screaming. The woman smiles.)

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