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Backyard Hodge Podge/Transcript

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(Scene opens up while panning down to the garage)
Buford: Guys, can you settle an argument for us? Preferably in my favor? If a vegetarian becomes a zombie, would they start eatin' people? (referring to Baljeet) Mr. Smartyunderpants thinks they just keep eatin' vegetables.
Baljeet: But they are, after all, vegetarians.
Phineas: I guess they eat things like heads of lettuce...uh, ears of corn!
Baljeet: Eye of potato!
Buford: Leg of carrot! (Baljeet looks up questionably) What? Your carrots don't have legs? Where do your parents shop?
Isabella: Hey, guys! What'cha doin'?
Phineas: Oh, we're just solving the world's problems.
Baljeet: Zombie vegetarianism is a world problem?
Phineas: Not yet. But recycling is. We've gotta lot of leftover material from past inventions and we're tryin' to figure out what to do with it.
Buford: My mom always just throws all the leftovers into a pot and makes a giant casserole. (to Isabella) It's best to just eat first and ask questions later.
Phineas: That's it! We'll use all our leftovers and make an invention casserole! Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today! Hey, where's Perry?
Male Voice: I'm right here, guys.
Phineas: It's Internet sensation Parry Gripp!
Parry Gripp: How's it goin'?
Phineas: It's goin' well! But, actually, we were lookin' for Perry the Platypus.
Parry Gripp: Oops. (exits) Sorry for the misunderstanding.
Phineas: (to the camera) Internet sensation Parry Gripp, ladies and gentlemen! (to Ferb) So, where's our Perry?

(Cut to an interior shot of the house. Perry is by the cupboards with some red smudge on his bill. He obviously does not look good.)
Linda: (putting a burnt pie on the floor by Perry) Oh, here you go, Perry. (Perry unwillingly sinks his teeth into the pie) I burnt another one. (Shot of Linda as she takes her oven mitts off. She looks rather baggy-eyed.) I guess that's what I get for staying up all night. Unless I get my act together that means plenty more for you, Perry.
(Perry gets a look of shock on his face.)
(Song: "Lady Song" (instrumental))
Lawrence Red leather yellow leather red leather yellow leather red leather yellow leather...
Linda: Lawrence, what on Earth are you doing?
Lawrence: Oh, just a few vocal exercises before my big speech for the committee of the Danville Museum. Would you like a little sneak peek?
Linda: I'd love to, honey, but I've got quite a lot of baking to do if I wanna make my quota for the Live and Let Pie event.
Advertisement: LIVE AND LET PIE!....for charity.
Linda: Why don't you practice in front of Candace?
Lawrence: Ooh, fine idea. There's nothing teenagers love more than listening to speeches.
Linda: Okay, where was I? (she smells something and opens the oven to reveal smoke) Oh, no!!! (she takes out yet another burnt pie) Well, Perry, looks like you've got yourself another... Uh, where's Perry?
Parry Gripp: (speaking from the window) Right here!
Linda: Platypus.
Parry Gripp: Oops, didn't mean to intrude. (ducks down)

(Cut to the secret lair. Agent P saunters to his chair looking droopy-eyed and a little round.)
Major Monogram: Morning, Agent P. (Perry chatters wearily) Guess whose birthday it is, Agent P? (cut to the monitor showing Monogram wearing a party hat) It's not Carl's. And it's not yours. Okay, okay, it's mine! (blows a noisemaker) Help yourself, Agent P. (a piece of cake with a candle on it emerges from the floor but Perry refuses it) Not a cake person, huh? Oh, well. We've noticed a surge of revenue going to Doofenshmirtz's bank account recently. Get to the bottom of it. Are we ready to sing, Carl?
(Carl enters)
Carl: I'm patching in all the agents now, sir. We couldn't afford the rights to that famous birthday song, so the agents and I came up with this. (various O.W.C.A. agents appear on the monitor in separate boxes, Carl blows a pitch pipe) A one, a two, a three.
(All the agents make different unmelodious sounds. Perry simply gets off his chair and sneaks away.)
Carl: Birth-daaaaaaaaaaay!
Major Monogram: (sniff) That was just beautiful!

(Cut to the Flynn-Fletcher living room. Lawrence is seen talking to Candace who is sitting on the sofa.)
Lawrence: (reading) "Thank you for coming here today to hear my speech on the history of the ancient Ornithorhynchan tribe. (At this point, Candace's eyes begin to become heavy and she tries in vain to stay awake.) The Ornithorhynchans were a platypus-worshipping society known for painting themselves teal-blue and wearing elaborate platypus-themed costumes for their various dances and rituals."
Candace: (looking at her watch) Oh, you know what? I just remembered some friends asked me to help them form a giant human pyramid and I told them that was, like, the last thing I want to do today, but it turns out I was wrong. So I-I gotta go. (leaves) The speech is great, Dad, (puts her hands on her father's shoulders) but you might want to add some visual aids. Just a little dry.
Lawrence: Hmmm, visual aids. Ah, that's how I can (rolling his r's) sprruce it up a little. Sprrrruce! Sprrrrrruce! Spuuuuuuuuh-ruce! Ha ha ha, ah, very good then.

(Cut to Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated, with Perry on his hang-glider.)
Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated
(Perry lets go of the hang-glider and rolls on the floor, but two mechanical hands trap him and lift him onto a doctor's chair with an optometrist's eye exam device on it.)
Doofenshmirtz: Good to see you, Perry the Platypus! But you will be lucky to see anything after y—Oop! Oh! I almost used my final zinger before I even told you my evil plan! Just put it out of your mind. Bzzt! It's gone you've been zapped by a mind zap-inator....zapperinator or something. Hmmm. Anyway, you may be wondering why you're in an ophthalmologist's chair. Well, it seems that I've come into a bit of good fortuuuuune! Some technology of mine is being used to in eye examination equipment...
(Flashback to Doofenshmirtz getting his mail)
Doofenshmirtz: (voiceover) ...and I've been getting royalty checks. The extra money is fine and all, but it really chafes my hide (shot of Doofenshmirtz observing the equipment being used) that something I invented is being used for good! (grumbles)
(End flashback)
Doofenshmirtz: Eh, y'know what I mean? So, so I invented (takes down an inator from the ceiling) the Eye Fog-inator to temporarily blur the vision of whomever it hits. It will then force people to go out and get their eyes checked, and I'll get even more money, which I can then spend on EEEEEEEEE-VIL! So, y'know I, it kinda evens out. And you, Perry the Platypus, will be my first test subject! (He puts the equipment on Perry) Okay, put your little chin on the thing. (Takes out a cloth from his lab coat) Oh, oh, l-let me wipe that off for you. Gets so greasy. (adjusts the equipment) Okay, lift your head a bit, there-there we go. Perfect. (takes down the inator) Okay, here's my zinger: You'll be lucky to see anything after the eye fog-inat—Uch! It, y'know, it worked before when it was in context, but-but it just sounds silly now. N— (grumbles) Okay. (activates the inator) Now, now you'll feel a slight puff of air. (some gray smoke spews out of the inator) Okay, and then the blinding ray. (a red laser shoots out the device) So d-did it work? (Perry squints, point of view shot from the chair. We see a rather blurred image of Doofenshmirtz) Well, why are you giving me the stink eye? Did it work or not? (Perry simply shrugs his shoulders) Huh, uh, I guess I'll just have to try it on myself. (He aims the inator at himself) Okay, three steps back and... (the grey smoke and the red laser comes at his face) Wooooah! Woah I can see... (point of view shot from Doofenshmirtz, whose vision is just as blurry) ...that I cannot see. (waves his hand in front of his face) This... It... It works! (Perry escapes from the trap while Doofenshmirtz stammers) I can consider this a success, Perry... Perry the Platypus, where are you? (Perry attempts to kick Doofenshmirtz in the face but misses) Did you say something?

(Cut to the backyard where a lot of leftover parts are scattered all over)
Phineas: Nice work, Baljeet!
Baljeet: I found some slide rulers from my World of Calculation exhibit.
Isabella: I found some coat hangers from that Leaning Tower of Closet Space and an old college sweatshirt.
Phineas: Cool! We can hit this baby with the Megasizer and it'll make a great parachute.
Buford: I found these catering trays from the giant picnic and this parachute from the drag race.
Phineas: Cool! We can shoot that with the Microsizer and it'll make a great sweatshirt. All this stuff is gonna work out great! It's a shame Perry isn't here to see this.
Parry Gripp: Here I am. And I brought some old guitar strings to recycle.
Phineas: Wow. Th-thanks. But—
Parry Gripp: You meant Perry the Platypus, didn't you?
Phineas: Well, yeah, but your timing is perfect. We were just about to start the song.
Parry Gripp: Okay, try this on for size:

(Song "Backyard Hodge Podge")
Parry Gripp: You take a
Bucket full of forks and a rusted oil drum,
And a broken carburetor stuck together with some gum,
Got a motor, and a floater, and a giant can of soda,
Uncle's college sweatshirt, but it's got a funny odor
You take a little here and you put it over there,
You can tie it all together with some fake gorilla hair,
And then...
We've got a backyard hodge podge!
Kids: It's a backyard hodge podge!
Parry Gripp: It's a backyard hodge podge!
Kids: It's a backyard hodge podge!
Parry Gripp: Well, we've got
A motorized spatula, a rubberized tarantula,
A weird potato chip that kind of looks like Dracula,
A locket, and a socket, and a shiny medal sprocket,
A slide without a ladder, and a Saturn V rocket,
You'll ogle with your goggles as you weld another toggle
And your mind'll truly boggle when it starts to wiggle-woggle

It's a backyard hodge podge!
Kids: Oo-ooh, it's a backyard hodge podge!
Parry Gripp: It's a backyard hodge podge!
Kids: Oo-ooh, it's a backyard hodge podge!
Parry Gripp: It's a backyard hodge podge!

(Cut back to D. E. I. Perry and Doofenshmirtz are in a no-win fight.)
Doofenshmirtz: I've got you now, Perry the Platypus! (They attempt to run into each other but miss; Doofenshmirtz punches a chair instead) Perry the Platypus, did you get yourself upholstered?

(Cut back to the Flynn-Fletcher backyard. Wide shot of the backyard hodge podge.)
Fireside Girls: Weeeee!
Irving: Oh, man!
Buford: Actually, this is way too tame. (to someone offscreen) Hey, crank it up to double black diamond!
(Buford and Irving scream as the giant spool they are on bounces up and down. Cut to four kids on the sweatshirt parachute)
Boy: This parachute smells funny.
(Phineas and Ferb are on a crazy bumpy slide. They go on a loop but stop at the top, but drip down with gum stuck to their bottoms.)
It's a backyard hodge podge!
Phineas: Nice repurposing of Buford's chewed gum collection. Woohoo! Woah-woah-woah-woah!
It's a backyard hodge podge!
(they slide down to the bottom)
Phineas: That sure was great! I wish Perry was here for once. He would just love it!
(Parry Gripp slides down to the bottom.)
Parry Gripp: I do love it! I've never had so much fun! Anyway, fellas, I'm gunna hit the road. See ya! (exits)
Ferb: Well, he's no platypus, but still a lovely fellow.

(Cut back to D. E. I.)
Doofenshmirtz: Y'know, maybe I should've thought before blurring my own vision. It was very short sighted. Anyway, could you make that "digga-digga-digga-digga-digga" sound for me? (Perry kicks him in the jaw) That was a lucky kick, Perry t— (Perry kicks him again, Doofenshmirtz makes angry noises) Wait, I just need to blast myself again and I'll clear my vision and get the jump on him. (On the contrary, Perry jumps him first) Hey, hey, you jumped on me! You used my own turn of phrasing against me! Wow, irony! (He walks off camera and we hear a crash. Cut to a shot of Doofenshmirtz standing next to a scattered pile of buckets) Really? A stack of buckets? That'll teach me to randomly stack buckets in the center of my lab.

(Cut back to the kitchen. Linda is still baking and burning)
Linda: Oh, another reject. Here you go, Perry. (turns around) Oh, there you are. What're you doing up there? (she sets the pie down and picks up what she thinks is Perry) Oh, it's a bag of bread. Haha! Oh, (rubs eyes) I've been up so long I'm starting to see things.
(Point of view shot from Linda. The bag of bread suddenly is wearing a top hat and dance shoes and holding a cane and does a high-kicking dance. Cut back to Linda who looks in disbelief and looks in another direction. Point of view shot at the burnt pies. One of them suddenly comes to life.)
Pie 1: Three-point-one-four-one-five-nine-two...
Pies 1 & 2: Three-point-one-four-one-five-nine-two...
Pies 1, 2 & 3: Three-point-one-four-one-five-nine-two...
(Cut back to Linda, who rubs her eyes again)
Linda: Okay. That's it. (takes out her cell phone) I can't believe I'm doing what I'm about to do.

(Cut to a shot of Candace in a park who is at the bottom of the human pyramid. Her phone rings. She takes it out.)
Candace: Hello?

(Cut back to Linda)
Linda: I hate to interrupt your day but...

(Cut back to Candace)
Linda: (on phone) I need your help with these pies. I'm so tired I'm startin' to see the weirdest things.
Candace: Weird? (takes phone away from her ear) Yes! (back on phone) I'll be right home! (She comes out of the pyramid, which topples over.) Um...that was partially my fault!

(Cut back to Linda)
Linda: (yawns) Ugh, the pies aren't the only things that are burnt.
(She hears someone doing some sort of chant. She looks in the direction. The chanting is coming from Lawrence who is all dressed in teal makeup, a teal-green robe, yellow moccasins, and a beaver tail.)
Linda: (exits) I gotta get outta here!
Lawrence: (sighs) That didn't go over as well as I'd hoped. Mmmm, perhaps I need to spuh-ruce it up more! Sprrrrrruce! Sprrrrrrrrrrrrrr—Ahh! Ooh! Ow! I do believe I've sprrrrrrrained my elbow.

(Cut to exterior shot of the house. Linda walks out the door.)
Linda: Maybe some fresh air will help wake me—Huh?! (She looks at the backyard hodge podge as the song plays in the background)
It's a backyard hodge podge!
It's a backyard hodge podge!

(Cut back to D. E. I., Doofenshmirtz is holding the inator)
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, found it! Okay, I just have to take three steps back. One..two.. (trips backwards and falls off the building as the inator activates) OWWWWWWWWWWWWW! WHY DO I KEEP STACKING BUCKETS?!?! CURSE YOU, PERRY THE PLATYPUS!!!!
(Perry is seen on top of the inator. He sticks his head in it and gets his vision back. He grabs one of the mechanical arms from the trap and destroys the inator with it.)

(Cut to shot of the fence.)
Candace: Heeheeheeheeheeheeheehee! This is gonna be epic! (She opens the gate and runs through.) Okay, Mom! (She gets zapped by the inator.) Here I am!
Linda: Candace, do you see what I'm seeing? (rubs eyes yet again)
(Close up on Candace who just stares blankly and blinks twice. Point of view shot from Candace to show that her vision is now blurry.)
Candace: I...don't...see...anything!
Linda: That's it! (exits) I'm lying down!

(Cut to outside the ophthalmologist's building. Doofenshmirtz screams and falls and eventually his leg catches the giant sunglasses sign outside the store. Balthazar, wearing glasses, walks up with his parents)
Balthazar: I can see everything so well now.
Father: Yes, whoever invented those gizmos inside that machine must be a person who is dedicated his or her life to good.
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, man!
Father: Ignore the upside down man, Balthazar.

(Cut to a stage.)
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, our keynote speaker on the history of the Ornithorhynchan tribe, (the curtain opens to reveal Lawrence still in his makeup, but now with a sling on his arm. Applause.) Lawrence Fletcher.
Lawrence: Thank you for coming here today to hear my speech on the ancient Ornithorhynchan tribe. The Ornithorhynchans were a platypus-worshipping...
(Cut to a shot of two familiar looking men in the audience)
Jeff: Why is his arm in a sling?
Dan: That's what bothers you about this?

End credits

Linda: That nap did me a world of good! I feel so much better now.
(She looks outside and still sees the big idea.)
Linda: (putting down her piece of pie) Nnnnnno, maybe not. Back to bed.
(She walks out of the room.)
("Backyard Hodge Podge")
Parry Gripp: You take a
Bucket full of forks and a rusted oil drum,
And a broken carburetor stuck together with some gum,
Got a motor, and a floater, and a giant can of soda,
Uncle's college sweatshirt, but it's got a funny odor
You take a little here and you put it over there,
You can tie it all together with some fake gorilla hair,
And then...
We've got a backyard hodge podge!
Kids: It's a backyard hodge podge!
Parry Gripp: It's a backyard hodge podge!

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