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Linda: Do we have to sit so close to the screen?
Candace Ugh! Y'see, Stacy? She's already embarrassing me by being all "old".
Linda: Well, you weren't too embarrassed to let me pay for the tickets. Now, who wants popcorn?
Candace: (raising her hand) Oh oh oh oh oh, me!
Stacy: No, thanks. I'm trying to cut down on foods that were created by an explosion. (Linda leaves. The episode begins)
Candace: What is this? A nature film? I don't do documentaries. (Stacy points to Phineas and Ferb onscreen.) What?! They made a movie?! Mom, Mom, come back here!
Stacy: When could they have possibly filmed, edited, marketed, and released an entire motion picture without you knowing it?
Candace: Well, they did build a submarine in about a half an hour.
Stacy: Good point. Hey, nice robe!
Candace: I just want you to know that's not my regular robe. That's my camping robe.
Stacy: You have a camping robe?
Candace: Yeah, my regular robe is much more stylish. I can't believe Phineas and Ferb made a movie of my life and I didn't even get to go to the premiere! When Mom brings the popcorn, they are so busted!
Stacy: Yeah, I'm pretty sure the movie theater will disappear or something before she gets back.
Grandpa Clyde: (on screen) Oh, right. It was named after Badbeard, the most ruthless freshwater pirate ever to plunder a lakeside community.
Stacy: Do you believe in pirates?
Candace: Uh, they're not like Bigfoot or UFOs. I'm pretty sure they exist.
Stacy: Pirates? Really?
Candace: Pirates are a historical fact.
Stacy: How about unicorns?
Candace: They're real, too.
Candace: Not real.
Stacy: How do you know this stuff?
Candace: I read a lot.
Grandpa Clyde: (on screen) Arrr!
Candace: Why do pirates always say "arrr"?
Stacy: Maybe they were just working their way through the alphabet and that's as far as they got.
Candace: (talking like a pirate) Arrr. Essss. Teeee. Yooouuu.
Buford: (on screen) Me?
Candace: Yes, you. (giggles)
Stacy: Uh-oh. When somebody pulls out a concertina, that means they're gonna sing.
Candace: (gets up) That's it. I'm gonna go find Mom.
Stacy: You can't leave me here alone. There are pirates!
Candace: They're not real.
Stacy: Well, bring me a soda before the whole theater disappears.
Grandpa Clyde: (on screen) Well, I didn't say it was much of a song.
Stacy: Great. Now I'm the sad girl who goes to movies alone.
Phineas and the gang: (on screen) Aye, aye, Captain Grandpa!
(Doofenshmirtz walks in carrying Perry trapped in a cage. Norm comes in behind him. They sit down to the left of Stacy.)
Doofenshmirtz: So instead of trapping you, I thought we'd take in a matinee, you know, before I unleash my evil scheme. Just to mix up the routine a bit.
Norm: You're taking me to the movies, just like a father would take a son to the movies. Can I call you "Dad"?
Doofenshmirtz: I think I'm gonna have to replace your mouth with a waffle iron.
Norm: I'll take that as a yes, Dad.
Doofenshmirtz: I guess this is some kind of instructional camping film?
Norm: You could take me camping, sir, just like a father takes his son camping.
Doofenshmirtz: Norm, pipe down! You're harshing my mellow.
Grandpa Clyde: (on screen) So stay clear of the moss. The slightest touch, and the orange moss will absorb through the skin causing wild hallucinations.
Doofenshmirtz: Hmmm, I wonder if I could use that moss for evil. Norm, remind me to look up orange moss on the Internet.
Candace: (on screen) The left side was the right side! (gasps) Moss! Orange! (screams)
Doofenshmirtz: It's just a little poisonous moss. (grunts) She's so squeamish.
Grandpa Clyde: (on screen) Thar be Spleen Island.
Doofenshmirtz: Does that look like a spleen? I don't know what a spleen looks like. At least they're not singing. And I spoke too soon.
Norm: I suppose it depends on how loosely you define "singing", sir.
Doofenshmirtz: What a cute little plat... (gasps) Perry the Platypus??!!? I didn't know you had a side job as an actor. Are...Are you in the union? Y'know, I almost got in the union once for an infomercial that I did for digital tongue-depressor. But, uh, it short-circuited in my mouth. And it was this whole hullabaloo. (screams) Oh! Oh, I have a phobia about worms! L-L-L-Let me know when it's over. Uh, is it, is it over yet?
Norm: Not yet, sir.
Doofenshmirtz: Ugghh... Y'see, Perry the Platypus, when I was a boy, my uncle Fritz was a shark hunter. And he used to make me wear a giant worm costume and cast me into the sea as live bait. Y-You know that there's a shark whose head is the actual shape of a hammer? It's a hammerhead shark. And there's a sawfish whose nose is the shape of a saw. So apparently, carpentry tools are really big in ichthyology. And yet you've never seen a wrench-fish, have you?
Norm: I have never seen a wrench-fish.
Doofenshmirtz: No, you haven't. I wonder what nature has against wrenches. I guess the old saying is true. "Nature abhors a wrench." A vacuum and a wrench, it hates both of those things, apparently.
Candace: (on screen) How strange can this get?
Talking Zebra: (on screen) Oh, it gets much stranger, Kevin.
Candace: (on screen) (screams)
Doofenshmirtz: Don't you hate it when animals in movies talk, Perry the Platypus? Huh? Don't you hate it? Huh? Ah, he's tuning me out.
Grandpa Clyde: (on screen) Ha ha! Sure, knock yourselves out.
Doofenshmirtz: Is it just me or is that old guy's outfit, like, two sizes too small? I-I mean, look at those size eight shorts he's tryin' to pull off. He does not have the figure for it.
Norm: His eyeglasses are stylish.
Doofenshmirtz: Maybe, but then he ruins the whole look with that red scarf. I mean, sometimes that "one splash of color" thing just does not work.
Grandpa Clyde: (on screen) But be warned, mateys. They say Badbeard's treasure comes with a curse!
Doofenshmirtz: Ooh, a curse! Now it's getting good.
(Candace walks back in.)
Candace: Mom, Mom! Mom? Stacy, I can't find my mom. Did she come back in here?
Stacy: No, just some old man and a robot.
Doofenshmirtz: Hey! Will you two pipe down? (Candace leaves again.) We're tryin' to talk over a movie down here, if you don't mind. Okay, wait, I turn around for a second and now I don't know where I am.
Norm: Cartoon violence is funny! (singsongy) Sir, time for your evil scheme!
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, yeah. I almost forgot. You see, Perry the Platypus, (takes out some pan flutes) with this amplified pan flute, I will blow a frequency that can only be heard by dogs. Then every dog within earshot will run wild through the streets! The entire Tri-State Area will grind to a halt making it much easier for me to take over! Too bad you're trapped and helpless to stop me from causing... (Perry breaks through his trap and pushes Doof down into the ground.)
(Monogram and Carl walk into the theater.)
Major Monogram: Over here, Carl. We can, uh, we can sit next to this robot. (They sit down between Norm and Stacy.) Carl! It's...It's Agent P! What the...
Carl: Maybe he signed a deal with a reality show without telling us.
Major Monogram: And...And there's Doof! It must be some sort of re-enactment using body doubles.
Carl: Brilliant conjecture, sir.
Major Monogram: Well, thank you, Carl. I do try.
Doofenshmirtz: (on screen) It's supposed to be haunted by a terrifying old sea hag. (chuckles)
Major Monogram: Oh, it's a ghost story, too.
Major Monogram: Stop it, Carl!
Doofenshmirtz: (on screen) Fine! Y-You want evil, Perry the Platypus? I'll give you evil!
Carl: Technically, you can't give someone evil. It's not an object. It's more of an abstract concept.
Major Monogram: All right, but I can give you the common cold and that's not an object.
Carl: Okay, well, evil's not a communicable disease either.
Major Monogram: That we know of.
Phineas and the gang: (on screen) ♪ We search for the treasure of Badbeard ♪
Buford: (on screen) ♪ We'll plunder and pillage ♪
Baljeet: (on screen) ♪ And do some math ♪
Ferb: (on screen) ♪ And all refuse to take a bath ♪
Isabella: (on screen) ♪ We seek adventure and romance ♪
Baljeet: (on screen) ♪ I'm running out of underpants ♪
Phineas and the gang: (on screen) ♪ There's ghosts who haunt the cave and worse ♪
Skull: (on screen) ♪ It's guarded by a pirate's curse ♪
Candace: (on screen) ♪ Why do my nostrils whisper to meeeeeeeeeeeee? ♪
Major Mongram: Wait! I know this song!
Major Monogram and Carl: ♪ Argh, argh, argh, argh ♪
♪ This is the ballad of Badbeard ♪
♪ Argh, argh, argh, argh ♪
♪ This is the ballad of Badbeard ♪
Phineas: (on screen) This is it. The Tunnel of Doom.
Major Monogram: Doncha hate when the characters just go tromping right towards danger there? I mean, the tunnel has "doom" right in the title. It's called "Tunnel of Doom".
Carl: I think it's called dramatic irony, sir.
Major Monogram: Don't rub your film school smarts in my face.
Isabella: (on screen) It doesn't look very safe.
Buford: (on screen) I think you better test it.
Major Monogram: Yeah, good thinking there. See, at least that one has some self-preservation instincts. Oh, see, that whole "Tunnel of Doom" thing finally living up to its name.
Carl: Wait, is this a dinosaur movie or a pirate movie?
Major Monogram: Why do you have to pigeonhole everything, Carl? It's called mixing genres. Don't they talk about that in film school?
Carl: It was just confusing, that's all.
Buford: (on screen) Look! I found these nifty hand puppets!
Carl: Oh, he was in the foreground. It was a sort of rack focus gag.
Major Monogram: You're so analytical. Sometimes, you just gotta let art flow over ya.
Carl: Letting it flow, sir.
Buford: (on screen) Yeah, Dinnerbell. What if there is no treasure?
Baljeet: (on screen) Perhaps the real treasure is true friendship and the spirit of adventure.
Major Monogram and Carl: Awwwww.
Phineas: (on screen) Nah. There it is over there. "X" marks the spot.
Major Monogram: It always does. X always marks the spot. Little wisdom from me to you, Carl.
Carl: Thank you, sir.
Major Monogram: May it serve you well.
Carl: I said thank you, sir.
Buford: (on screen) Bad beards forever, dude.
Baljeet: (on screen) You don't even have a chin.
Phineas: (on screen) That's a chance I'll have to take. Shiver me timbers!
Major Monogram: "Shiver me timbers"? What, what does that mean, anyway?
Carl: It's old English for "shiver my timbers," sir.
Major Monogram: (sarcastically) Yeah, it was the "me" and "my" part of that phrase that I didn't understand, not the shivering timbers. You really cleared that up for me, Carl.
Carl: (singsongy) I could do without the sarcasm.
Major Monogram: (singsongy) You could do without employment.
Carl: I'd be really scared if you were paying me.
Candace: (on screen) (cackles like a witch)
Doofenshmirtz: (on screen) (gasps) The sea hag!
Candace: (on screen) The pharmacist!
Major Monogram: Oh, how predictable.
Carl: What, sir?
Major Monogram: There's always some character with seaweed on their head eager to push the wrong button in these kinds of movies.
Carl: What kind of movies?
Major Monogram: Y'know, these action-adventure-family-camping trip-urban legend-monster-musical comedies.
Carl: Would that be mixing genres, sir?
Major Monogram: Don't get snippy.
Carl: Oh. Oh. That shaky camera effect always makes me extremely nauseous. I'd better. (gags, and leaves) Excuse me.
Major Monogram: Oh, good grief, Carl! I can't take you anywhere! (gets up and leaves) Oh, fine, I had no idea what this picture was about anyway. (to Norm) 'Scuse me.
Phineas: (on screen) Cast off! Put your backs into it, mateys!
(Long pause. During this, Norm spins his head around several times.)
Norm: Oh, great. Now I'm one of those sad robots who goes to the movies by himself.
Stacy: Join the club, dude.
Norm: (gets up and leaves) Excuse me. I think I'll go try to find my father.
(Candace runs back in with her mother.)
Candace: Look, Ma! See? See?
Linda: What am I supposed to be looking at, Candace? The theater is empty.
Candace: Mom, look, right up there on the screen!
Linda: Okay, a bunch of short guys with beards. Is this movie about lawn gnomes?
Candace: No, Mom, that was Phineas and Ferb.
Linda: Candace, the boys aren't even shaving yet.
Candace: (standing up) And that! That's me!
Linda: Well, now you're getting ridiculous. (Candace sits back down.) Although the girls in our family do have a tendency for facial hair. So, that's something for you to look forward to, honey.
Candace: But-but-but-but... Ohhhh! (lies down in her seat)
Linda: Stacy, would you like some popcorn?
Stacy: Exploded foods.
Linda: Oh, that's right. Well, more for me, I guess.
Candace: (on screen) What?! Oh!
Linda: Hey! I think I do know that zebra though.
(Stacy, Candace and Linda all leave the theater while the credits roll.)
Phineas: Avast, me 'arties!
♪ We're sailing for the Island of Spleen to search for the treasure of Badbeard ♪
Holly: I'm feeling sick.
Gretchen: You're looking green.
All: ♪ We search for the treasure of Badbeard ♪
Buford: ♪ We'll plunder and pillage ♪
Baljeet: ♪ And do some math ♪
Ferb: ♪ And all refuse to take a bath ♪
Isabella: ♪ We seek adventure and romance ♪
Baljeet: ♪ I'm running out of underpants ♪
All but Ferb: ♪ There's ghosts who haunt the cave and worse ♪
Skull: ♪ It's guarded by a pirate's curse ♪
Ferb: (Rings bell)
All: ♪ Arg, arg, arg, arg, this is the ballad of Badbeard (X2) ♪
Buford: Bad beards forever, dude.