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Brain Drain/Transcript

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(Scene opens up showing the Flynn-Fletcher house. In Phineas and Ferb's room, the boys are sick in bed.)
Na, na, na
Linda: Okay, boys, I'm off to the store for as much Mucus Be Gone as I can carry. Are you sure you're going to be okay?
Phineas: No worries, Mom. We'll be perfectly fine.
Linda: Well, all right. Bye.
Phineas/Ferb: Bye, Mom.
(Linda closes door)
Candace: (Opens door) Aw, you guys really are sick.
Phineas: Oh, you know us. (Sneezes) Nothing can ever keep us down.
Candace: That's great! You're completely incapacitated! That means I have the whole day to myself! I could spend all day on my Jeremy scrapbook, or I could work on Jeremy, the board game. Or I could go to the mall and watch Jeremy work from my hiding place behind the Weave and Wig. The possibilities are endless! This is gonna be the best sick day ever, for me! (Slams door)
Phineas: Best sick day ever, huh? (Song plays) Ferb, I know what we're gonna... (Coughs, song distorts) All right, Ferb, implement our Sick Day Video Game Backup System. Ready local area network.
(Ferb presses a button on a remote, and a blue screen descends. Isabella and Phineas appear on-screen)
Isabella: Whatcha doin'? (Sneezes)
(Ferb appears on-screen)
Phineas: You too, huh?
Isabella: Where's everyone else?
(Baljeet and Buford appear on-screen)
Baljeet/Buford: Here we are.
(All but Ferb and Buford cough and sneeze)
Phineas: So, everyone's sick in bed today, huh?
Buford: Nah, I'm just lazy.
Phineas: Cool, I think. Hey, where's Perry?


(Perry puts on a surgeon mask, walks past Phineas and Ferb's room, puts on his fedora, and then continues running)
Major Monogram: Agent P, I didn't know you were a germaphobe. (at Carl) Carl, he's afraid of germs, just like you.
Carl: It's not the germs, sir, it's the garlic smell.
Major Monogram: If you have something to say, Carl, spit it out!
Carl: Ugh, never mind, sir.
(Perry takes off the surgeon mask)
Major Monogram: Anyway, Doofenshmirtz has been seen racking up huge bills in Brain, Bath, and Beyond, the area's largest Big Box Mind Control Warehouse store. Get to the bottom of it. Monogram out.
(Monitor static)

Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus. I've been expecting you. Sit anywhere, Perry the Platypus, make yourself at home. (laughs maniacally; puts helmet on Perry) So, what do you think of my De-Volitionator? Not to be confused with my De-Evolutionator from a few schemes ago. You see, volition is our ability to choose what we are going to do. Whereas evolution... eh, that's got something to do with monkeys, I think. But this allows me to take over your volition and control what you do. Like this, watch. (Electricity fizzing) How do you feel, Perry the Platypus?
(Perry chatters)
Doofenshmirtz: Well, it doesn't matter because I'm in control. Okay, turn, and... let's go outside and see what this baby can really do! And let's make this snappy, I gotta pick up my daughter by 5:00. You remember Vanessa, right? You know, you blew me up at her birthday party.


Phineas: All right, gang, who wants to go first?
(All clamoring)
Let's let the computer decide.
Game Voice: Buford vs. Isabella!
Buford: I'm fighting a girl? This'll be easy!
Isabella: Ooh!
Game Voice: Fight-uh!
(Game Buford runs, Game Isabella jumps; he charge punches her. Game Isabella pulls her sash off)
Game Voice: Patch sash smack attack!
(Game Isabella spin whips Game Buford)
Game Voice: Isabella wins-uh!
Isabella: In your face, Buford! (Sniffles)


Doofenshmirtz's ex-wife's sports sedan!
Vanessa: Thanks for driving me to the Scrapyard Invasion party, Mom.
Charlene: Now remember, I won't be able to pick you up afterwards 'cause I'm gonna be getting my nails done. So, I have your Dad picking you up.
Vanessa: Oh, that's cool. If by cool you mean completely embarrassing me in front of the only people whose opinions matter to me.
Charlene: At least he's trying.
Vanessa: Yes, very trying. Do you remember the last time he picked me up?
(Flashback)
Doofenshmirtz: Vanessa, over here! Hop in!
(Everyone laughs)
Ugh, don't ask!
(Flashback ends)
Vanessa: Maybe you should just let me off here. At least I can start the party off with my dignity intact.
Charlene: Whoops, too late! (She stops the car, opening the front passenger door window) Look, it's the only people whose opinions matter to you.
Vanessa: (Waves, embarrassed) Hey, Johnny.
Johnny: Hey, Vanessa. Nice ride.
Vanessa: Yeah, hold on to that thought. My dad's picking me up. (Exits car)
Charlene: Have fun at the dump. Watch out for medical waste!


Phineas: All right, gang, let's see who's next.
Game Voice: Baljeet vs. Ferrrrrrb!
Baljeet: Oh, great! It is not like Ferb is an internationally ranked video game wizard or anything!
(Camera pans to Ferb with a Video Game World Champion trophy beside him)
Ferb: (Sniffles)
Gave Voice: Fight-uh!
Game Ferb: (Runs and kicks)
Game Baljeet: (Punches and kicks)
Game Voice: Baljeet wins-uh!
Baljeet: Ferb, did you let me win to save my fragile, nerdy ego?
Ferb: Oh, I'd never do that.


(Rock music)
Vanessa: Look at all the freaks here.
Johnny: I know, huh? Our peeps. (Shows the phone) And look at this. We're on the Internet.
Vanessa: What?
Johnny: This whole place is wired. They've got cameras everywhere. There's like, dozens of live feeds. Here's the crowd dancing, the DJ. Here's the restroom.
Boy #2: Not cool, man.
Vanessa: Wow! This is like the coolest midday scrapyard rave ever!


Phineas: Okay, Isabella and Baljeet won their battles. So who am I gonna battle?
Game Voice: Phineas vs. Phineas!
Phineas: Okay. At least I'm evenly matched.
Game Voice: Fight-uh!
(The Game Phineases do the same kick move, knocking each other out)
Game Voice: Phineas wins-uh!
Phineas: I'm kicking my own butt!


Doofenshmirtz: Left foot, right foot. Left foot, right foot. Okay, now, skip!
(Perry chatters angrily, but a music box melody plays as he skips along the sidewalk)
Doofenshmirtz: (In a sing-song manner) I'm controlling Perry the Platypus... and... uh... slap yourself! (He pushes a button on the remote. Perry slaps himself) Haha! (He pushes the button several more times, forcing Perry to slap himself over and over again) Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself, hahaha! Hahaha! I can make you do anything!!! (Gasps as he gets an idea) Oh, oh! Eat that gum off the sidewalk!
(A horror theme plays as Perry picks up a piece of ABC gum off the sidewalk)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, gross! You're really going to do it? Perry the Platypus, that's so unsanitary! Didn't your mother ever tell you not to do that?
(Perry is struggling against Doofenshmirtz's command to eat the gum)
Doofenshmirtz: Ooh! Oh, it looks so horrible! I can't look, I can't look! Stop! Stop, Perry the Platypus, stop!
(Perry stops, looking relieved)
Doofenshmirtz: (Laughs)Oh, man, that was great. (A beat)
Doofenshmirt: Now put it back down and do it again.


(Back at the rave, Vanessa and Johnny are dancing in the thick of the crowd)
Johnny: Great place for a dance party, huh?
Vanessa: Yeah! I just saw a rat! (her phone rings) Ugh, it's my dad. (answers it) Yes, Dad?
Doofenshmirtz: (Yelling excitedly) PERRY THE PLATYPUS ALMOST ATE GUM OFF THE SIDEWALK!!!
Vanessa: (Annoyed) Is that what you called to tell me?
Doofenshmirtz: No, no. I- I just called to remind you that I will be picking up you and your Visigoth friends up after the dance.
Vanessa: Dad, it's goths, not Visigoths. And they're punks, not goths. (Hangs up)
Doofenshmirtz: Ah. (Turns to a Visigoth who is standing next to the park bench he and Perry are sitting on) Sorry, Alaric, I thought they were Visigoths. You're not going to impress the punks. You're free to go.
Alaric: (Grumpily, as he leaves) But I still get my pay raise!
Doofenshmirtz: See, this is what it's like having a teenage daughter. You're never cool enough. Anyway... (With a gleeful look) Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?


(Perry is now pushing Doofenshmirtz in a grocery cart down the sidewalk)
Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus, I can't believe you removed this shopping cart from the supermarket parking lot! You must be feeling so evil! (Laughs) Oh, look at the time. I've got to go pick up Vanessa. Mush, Perry the Platypus, mush!
(As they enter the Scrapyard)
A junk yard? Why can't they have their party in a nice place, like the Caribou Lodge? You ever been to the Caribou Lodge, Perry the Platypus? They have a nice spread there.
Boy #3: Sweet ride, dude.
Doofenshmirtz: Thank you. Platypus power. (His remote begins beeping) Uh oh. Batteries are low. Hmm... (He looks around for a place to recharge his remote) Take five, Perry the Platypus. (Perry sits down on the ground, and Doofenshmirtz runs over to an amp and plugs in the remote) Whew, that was close. (The remote and the amp begin glowing green; he screams)


(The green glow goes through the power lines across Danville, all the way to the Flynn-Fletcher residence. It interrupts Buford, who is about to jump on Phineas in the game. The screen goes to static)
Phineas: Uh oh, power surge.
(The screen now shows Perry at the junkyard)
Phineas: No, wait! Ooh, a Perry level. Nice graphics.
Doofenshmirtz: (On screen) Okay, Perry the Platypus, all charged up and ready to... (Pushes button on remote repeatedly, but nothing happens) Oh, great. Now what's wrong with it? (Perry's left arm moves) I didn't do that!
Phineas: I did that! But I only seem to have control of his left arm.
Isabella: Let me try! (She pushes buttons on her controller) Cool! I've got control of his left leg!
Buford: I've got his right arm. (Perry is forced to slap himself again) Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? (Laughs)
(Ferb lifts up his right leg)
Phineas: Ferb's got right leg.
Baljeet: Oh! I have got back and forth!
(Perry moves all of his limbs and goes back and forth)
Doofenshmirtz: What's wrong with it? Stop that! Stop it!
Baljeet: What is the goal of this game?
Phineas: I'm not sure.
Buford: Who cares? Let's just fight that old pharmacist!
(Phineas' and Ferb's Monitors appear after Buford, Isabella's, and Baljeet's)
Phineas: Sure! This must be the boss level. All right, guys, we work as a team on this one.
Doofenshmirtz: Uh-oh!
(Perry does the actions as Phineas says them, and everyone working the limbs is in sync)
Phineas: Ready stance, now taunt and... jump!
(Perry knocks over Doofenshmirtz)
Phineas: Great leap, leg team!
(Perry is jumping on Doofenshmirtz's stomach. There are flies buzzing around him)
Buford: I bet those flies are power-ups.
Phineas: Let's see.
(Perry grabs one and eats it, looking utterly disgusted)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh! Perry the Platypus! Gross! That's worse than sidewalk gum!
(But it works, and Perry does a flip, kicking Doofenshmirtz in the face)
Isabella: Oh yeah!
Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus, what's gotten into you? (gets up and runs away)
Buford: He's trying to get away!
Phineas: Not on our watch!
(Perry follows him up a stack of junk)
Doofenshmirtz: Now, now, Perry the Platypus...
(Perry jumps on him again)
Baljeet: Eat pig iron, old pharmacist!
(Doofenshmirtz has picked up an umbrella)
Doofenshmirtz: Stay back, Perry the Platypus! Back!!!
Phineas: Buford!
Buford: I'm on it!
(As Doofenshmirtz swings the umbrella at Perry, he grabs it)
Isabella: On my mark, guys!
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, my. Wait, what...
Isabella: Baljeet, in!
Doofenshmirtz: Wait, why are you moving so deliberately...?
Baljeet: Roger!
Doofenshmirtz: What are you doing?!
Phineas: Legs...jump...Buford!
(With Buford's help, Perry whacks Doofenshmirtz in the head with the umbrella)
Buford: Idiot!
(Doofenshmirtz groans)
Phineas: Finish him off, Ferb!
(Perry kicks Doofenshmirtz down the pile of junk)
Phineas: Nice one.
(Doofenshmirtz somersaults down the hill. Ferb blows on his game controller)
Phineas: We won, gang! And if I may be so bold, I claim the right to throw Perry's hat in the air.
(Perry takes off the hat, and tosses it. It lands on the camera that was giving them the picture for the game. The screen goes to static once more)
Phineas: Huh. Game over, I guess.
Isabella/Baljeet/Buford: Aww.


(The party is still going full blast. Doofenshmirtz gets his hands in a bucket of glue, and slides right into the DJ booth, which has been vacated by the actual DJ. He puts his hands on the records on the table and the music instantly stops)
Vanessa: Dad?
Johnny: That's your dad?
Vanessa: No!
(Pause)
Boy #4: I was at the Caribou Lodge once, and it was just like this.
(The entire crowd starts to boo. Doofenshmirtz is sweating nervously. Perry looks back at him with an annoyed expression, then sighs and rolls his eyes)
Vanessa: Dad, why?
Doofenshmirtz: (Chuckles while sweating) Who's up for charades?
(Perry beckons Doofenshmirtz from under the table)
Perry the Platypus, what are you doing down here?
(When he reemerges, he is wearing the Devolition-ator helmet, and making a beat with the records glued to his fingers. Perry is controlling him underneath the DJ table)
Vanessa: Dad?
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, hi, Vanessa.
Vanessa: Dad, what are you doing?
(Song: There's a Platypus Controlling Me)
Doofenshmirtz: Well, I'll be honest, I don't really understand
But I fell down this hill now I got glue on my hands
And I got records on my fingers
Teens: Whaaat?
Doofenshmirtz: Records on my fingers
I got records on my fingers and I just can't stop
Teens: Don't stop
Doofenshmirtz: I can't stop, I got a platypus controlling me
Teens: Whaaat?
Doofenshmirtz: I got a platypus controlling me
Now let me sum it up
It was a strange set of circumstances
Teens: Strange set of circumstances
Doofenshmirtz: I fell down the hill, I got glue on my hands,
Now I got records on my fingers and I just can't stop
Teens: Don't stop! Don't stop!
Doofenshmirtz: Well I would if I was able
There's a platypus controlling me, he's underneath the table
Teens: There's a platypus controlling him- Whaaat?
Teen: Oh I get it, platypus is a metaphor for whatever's keeping you down!
Teens: Like corporations are a platypus
The government's a platypus
Your teacher is a platypus
Weird Teen: My teacher is a panda

Teens: Society's a platypus
My parents are a platypus
The media's a platypus
It's all just propaganda
Yeah we all got a platypus controlling us

Doofenshmirtz: Just me
Teens: We all got a platypus controlling us
Doofenshmirtz: I'd stop if I was able
Teens: We all got a platypus controlling us
Doofenshmirtz: I'm not speaking metaphorically
the platypus controlling me is underneath the table
Wait! Oh wait, no, he's gone! Hey!
There's no platypus controlling me
There's no platypus controlling me!

Johnny: (At Vanessa) Your dad's kinda cool.
Vanessa: You're my punk-rock boyfriend! You're not supposed to think my dad is cool! (She walks over to Doofenshmirtz) It only matters that I think he's cool. (Kisses him on the cheek)
Doofenshmirtz: She thinks I'm cool!
(The crowd cheers)


Phineas: Well, it looks like all our fevers have broken.
(Buford groans)
Phineas: Except for Buford, who managed to get sick by laying in bed all day. (at Perry) Oh, there you are, Perry. Just in time for your walk.
(A weary Perry chatters)

End Credits

(Song: There's a Platypus Controlling Me)
Doofenshmirtz: Well, I'll be honest, I don't really understand
But I fell down this hill, now I got glue on my hands
And I got records on my fingers
Teens: Whaaat?
Doofenshmirtz: Records on my fingers
I got records on my fingers and I just can't stop
Teens: Don't stop
Doofenshmirtz: I can't stop, I got a platypus controlling me
Teens: Whaaat?
Doofenshmirtz: I got a platypus controlling me
Now let me sum it up
It was a strange set of circumstances
Teens: Strange set of circumstances
Doofenshmirtz: I fell down the hill, I got glue on my hands,
Now I got records on my fingers and I just can't stop
Teens: Don't stop! Don't stop!
Doofenshmirtz: Well I would if I was able
There's a platypus controlling me, he's underneath the table
Teens: Whaaat?

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