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Bully Bromance Breakup/Transcript

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(Scene opens up at a store called "Stor". Baljeet is at the check-out counter with underpants)
Baljeet: Another week's allowance replacing wedgied underwear. If I had anything left, I would invest in the company.
Buford: (runs into the store and gives Baljeet a wedgie) Wedgie time! Thanks for savin' my place in line, nerd!
Baljeet: (annoyed) Buford, how did you find me?
Buford: Let's just say the initials are G, P, and S.
Grocer: Next!
Buford: (handing up his items) A pack of Tuff Gum, and this cheese grater.
Baljeet: What is the cheese grater for?
Buford: You'll see.
Grocer: $4.86. Paper or plastic?
Buford: Plastic. Pay the man, propeller-head.
Baljeet: (growls) That is it! I can put up with wedgies, noogies, wet willies, and even the fact that you apparently have placed a G.P.S. tracking device on, or inside, my person, but I will not tolerate your ignorant decision to take plastic over paper! From this moment on, I am no longer your nerd!! (storms out)
Buford: Well, fine! I was feeling creatively stifled by you anyway! (at grocer) And you! You just cost me a perfectly good nerd! Maybe I'll make you my new nerd.
Grocer: 'Wow. Your pressure tactics are quite developed for a youngster.
Buford: Yes. Yes, they are. But some people...don't APPRECIATE THAT!
Grocer: Y-you may be the most intimidating person I-I've ever met.
Buford: You better believe it!
Doofenshmirtz: (pops up from behind a nearby stand)
Grocer: You could probably bully the entire Tri-State Area!
Doofenshmirtz: (excitedly) I'm getting tingly!

(Switches to the Flynn-Fletcher house as Baljeet skips jubilantly into the backyard, singing)
Baljeet: Oh, free! I am so free
Free to be me
It is me, that is free
Phineas: Hey, Baljeet. You're just in time for what we want to do today. Where's Buford?
Baljeet: Who cares? I am finally free to live my own life! I feel like I can do anything! Like...climb a mountain!
Phineas: Well, that's great! Let's put that energy to work building our next--
Baljeet: No, I mean literally climb a mountain! Danville Mountain!
Phineas: Guys, I know what we're gonna do today. Hey, where's Perry?

(Switches to Perry's lair entrance. Perry sips from a garden hose as the hose forms a puddle deep enough to drop him into his lair)
Major Monogram: Good morning, Agent P. Dr. Doofenshmirtz has ordered an assistant to do his daily chores. Some muscle, if you will. You know, I once put in a request for some muscle. Got Carl.
Carl: And how many attacks since I got on board?
Major Monogram: Well, none, but, you know, you could at least look the part. You look like a kindergarten crossing guard.
Carl: No need to be hurtful, sir.
Major Monogram: So, you best get on it, Agent P.


(Switches to a dry cleaners store)
Buford: Look, I understand your pain, but what's with the back-story, dude? Who needs a special reason to boss people around?
Doofenshmirtz: Wow, I never thought of it like that. We'll go as soon as I pick up some fresh lab coats. These have got scorch marks all over them.
Buford: (starts pushing people out of line) Move it, melonheads! Move it, or never use it!
Doofenshmirtz: Wow, this kid's always on the clock!
(Perry steps in, but quickly hides upon seeing Buford)
Buford: Give Dr. Toothenhurtz his lab coats, Bright Eyes!
Cashier: Hey, there's a line. You might want to use it.
Buford: Well, it would be a shame if this mug of double-dutch cappuccino you've been drinking, were to, say, splishy-splash all over those prissy-clean lab coats you've got back there.
Customer in line: Hold me!
Cashier: You wouldn't dare!
Buford: Try me.
(the two stare at each other; the latter being angry, while the former being frightened)
Doofenshmirtz: (gasps)
Cashier: Okay! Just take your dry-cleaning and go!
Doofenshmirtz: (as they walk off down the street while Perry watches nervously) After all these years, would've thought that all I need to destroy the Tri-State Area was a grammar-school goon. A ham-handed half-pint. A knee-high ne'er-do-well. A pint-size palooka. A pushy prepubescent.
Buford: Are you done?
Doofenshmirtz Nah, hold on, I've got one more. (beat) A pipsqueak pugilist. Okay, now I'm done.

(At the foot of Danville mountain)
Baljeet: There it is. Danville Mountain. My quest lies ahead of me like an unpeeled potato.
Phineas: We can help you skin that adventure spud! May we present, the MegaPants! (Ferb pulls out a blueprint) Y'see, these hydraulic pistons will walk-
Baljeet: No! I need to do this myself. And that means no inventions.
(The blueprints slips from Ferb's hands)
Phineas: (pause) What?
Baljeet: No gadgets, no gimmicks, just pure achievement! It will be great! Let us go! (begins running up the mountain)
Isabella: No inventions. Are you guys gonna be okay?
Phineas: (as she also runs up the mountain) Sure! Why wouldn't we be?


(A montage plays in which Buford intimidates anyone standing in Doofenshmirtz's path, including a man about to park in the only available parking space, a man hosing the sidewalk in front of them, and a bird casting its shadow on Doof as he sunbathes)


(As the gang approaches a rope bridge)
Phineas: I don't know. That rope bridge looks a little rickety. A couple of hydrochloric unicycles would-
Baljeet: Not necessary! (He runs onto the bridge) Fear is for yesterday. Today we live!
Isabella: New Baljeet rocks!
(The rope bridge snaps and Baljeet falls out of sight, screaming)
Isabella: ...Rocked.
(Baljeet uses the broken rope as a vine and swings up to the opposite bank)
Phineas: He made it! Well, with the bridge gone, we could probably use some spring-loaded boots! (rubs hands in anticipation) Or a drilling machine! Or...or-
Baljeet: I'll save you! (swings across the river, catches them all, and they all swing back to the other bank) Who is ready for some free climbing?
Isabella: Me!
(Ferb puts his hand on Phineas' shoulder and they begin walking again)


(Doofenshmirtz and Buford walk into Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc., where a model of the Tri-State Area is on a table in the middle of the room)
Buford: Dude, what's with the playset?
Doofenshmirtz: Playset? No, this is a non-scale model of the Tri-State Area.
Buford: So you play with dolls?
Doofenshmirtz: (as Perry jet-packs onto the balcony and hides in the rafters) Maaaybe.....but it also helps me visualize my scheme, it doesn't have to be used with dolls.....all the time. A-anyway, this is our headquarters, larger for the sake of clarity, and this, see this right here? This is my Sculptinator. This part will scan my body, and this part will shoot a beam which will then carve Danville Mountain into a lifelike statue of me! (lifts up the model of the mountain to reveal a model of a statue of him, but the statue has a lot of muscles) Visible for literally miles in every direction! Not scale miles, real miles. And then, when people see this splendid tower of manliness, they will just assume that I should be their leader. Look! Look how it captures the manly thickness of my neck.
Buford: (skeptically) That's you?
Doofenshmirtz: Yeah.
Buford: I think the cut of your lab coat is working against you.
Doofenshmirtz: I know, right? I've got to talk to my tailor about that.
Buford: Look, there's Baljeet's house! I'm gonna spit on it.
Doofenshmirtz: (as Buford drops a gob of spit on the plastic model of Baljeet's house) Y'know, I'm kind of surprised that we haven't had a visit from my nemesis yet. (Switch to show Perry hiding in the rafters, looking deeply uncomfortable) I'm sure he'll be along. I can't wait to see the look on his face when he gets a load of you.


(On Danville Mountain. Baljeet is at the head of the group, wearing a harness to which Isabella's, Ferb's and Phineas' harnesses are attached as they climb below)
Phineas: Hey, Baljeet! You sure you don't need any robotic suction spikes up there?
Baljeet: Nope!
Phineas: Or how about mechanical lobster claws?
Baljeet: No-ope!
(Camera pans down to show that Phineas is curled up in a ball, dangling from Ferb's harness as he desperately offers invention ideas)
Phineas: Or maybe gas-propelled pine cone grappling hooks? Or cybernetically controlled towing spiders?
Baljeet: I am good!


(At Doofenshimrtz Evil Inc.)
Doofenshmirtz: Surprise! Matching outfits! It's John Phillips of London Bullywear. Plus, monogrammed jet-packs! Doof and Byoof! We rhyme.
Buford: Gee, thanks a lot, mister! Wait till my friends get a load of me!
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, you're not gonna need friends. You're gonna be on top of the heap! It's lonely at the top, but, you know, it's the top, so it dulls the ache. (He walks away. Buford looks surprised)


(On Danville Mountain. Baljeet climbs onto the top)
Baljeet: YES! I have BEAT you, Danville Mountain! In your cliff face! Ha ha! I cannot wait to tell Buf- oh. That is right.
(The other kids emerge onto the top)
Isabella: Okay. That's enough triumph for one day. Are we done here, Baljeet?
Baljeet: Yes...
Isabella: Phineas, go!
Phineas: ICE CHALET!!!!! (He instantly zooms offscreen and the sounds of drilling and hammering are heard)
Ferb: If we hadn't been able to invent something soon, I was going to scream. (He and Isabella walk over to join Phineas, leaving Baljeet alone)

(Song: "Big Honkin' Hole in My Heart")
Baljeet: Somewhere out across that skyline
Maybe down some lonely street
There is a boy with anger issues
Without whom I am incomplete

Who, will give me wedgies now?
Now that we are so far apart?
I, have got to get him back somehow
There is a bully sized hole
A bully sized hole
A bully sized hole in my heart

Buford: Who, will I give noogies to?
And tease, for being so smart?
I, just don't know what to do
There's a nerd shaped hole in my heart

There's a nerd shaped hole
Baljeet: A bully sized hole
Both: A big honking hole in my heart

Doofenshmirtz: Wait a second, you're singing? I know what that means, you're leaving, aren't you?!
Buford: Sorry, Dr. Dooftinasian. But there comes a time when you don't wanna bully everyone. (He looks back dramatically, a single tear falling from his eye) You just wanna bully someone you love.
(He flies away on his jet-pack)
Doofenshmirtz: Nice kid. Well, back to the inator-
(Perry swings down from the rafters and punches him, knocking him over)


(On the mountain. Phineas is still doing things frantically)
Phineas: Okay! We gotta melt out the inside!
Isabella: You know, you really ought to pace yourself!
Phineas: Mudroom first! Ferb, start carving the bearskin rug!
Isabella: You're gonna get the bends or something.


(At Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.)
Doofenshmirtz: Ha! (slams down the Sculptinator start button, then poses) You're too late, Perry the Platypus! Ooh! Make sure to get my good side!
(Perry punches him in the face just as the Sculptinator shoots, making Doofenshmirtz's carving to be of his upturned face with a grotesque expression. The ice chalet is resting on the very tip of his carving's nose, although they don't know this)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, Perry the Platypus, you've ruined it! Aarrgh! Now where am I gonna get another mountain? (Perry kicks him again and he goes over)


(Inside the ice chalet)
Isabella: Great job on the ice chalet, guys! It's amazing how the cocoa stays hot in these ice cups. How are you feeling, Phineas?
Phineas: (in an ice hot tub) Coming down now, coming down.
Baljeet: I myself am so down, I am in the basement. (The GPS button on his overalls starts blinking and Buford enters) Buford!
(Baljeet jumps up from the table and runs over to greet Buford)
Buford: As much as I'd like a tearful reunion, we gotta get off this mountain pronto!
Baljeet: Why?
(The neck of Doofenshmirtz's carving begins to crumble and the whole top of the mountain carving begins to tremble)
Buford: Let's just say if you want a neck like mine, you gotta start lifting young.
Baljeet: Before any of us move, I have got one thing I would like to do.
(It looks like he's going in for a hug, but he actually gives Buford a massive wedgie. Buford screams)
Baljeet: There, I feel much better now. Do not you?
Buford: Wow. I had no idea that was so uncomfortable. I am so sorry.
(The ice chalet starts shaking harder)
Isabella: It's been great sharing this moment with you two, but we need to get off this crumbling mountain now!
Phineas: Grab hold of something!
(The ice chalet bursts and everybody ends up grabbing onto Buford's now-parachute like underwear)
Buford: Do you ever get used to this?
Baljeet: Nope!
Isabella: I am totally gonna wash my hands after this. Twice.

(Back in D.E.I., Perry uses the scale model of the mountain and activates the Sculptinator to return it to normal)
Doofenshmirtz: (sounding bored) Who could've guessed it? It's back to normal. And explosion now. (Kaboom!) Yep. Just like that. Curse you, Perry the Platypus. Whatever.
Perry!


(The gang lands in the boys' backyard)
Baljeet: I am sorry for the way I acted earlier, Buford.
Buford: No. I'm sorry for putting the GPS tracker on you. Consider it gone!
(He rips the GPS button off Baljeet's overalls and they fall down around his ankles)
Baljeet: Oh, yes. This is much less humiliating.
Buford: No worries. I'll go get the duct tape. (He leaves)
Baljeet: He meant...for my pants, right?

End credits

(Song: "Big Honkin' Hole in My Heart")
Buford: I, just don't know what to do
There's a nerd shaped hole in my heart

There's a nerd shaped hole
Baljeet: A bully sized hole
Both: A big honking hole in my heart
Doofenshmirtz: Wait a second, You're singing? I know what that means! You're leaving, aren't you?

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