Phineas and Ferb Wiki
Register
Advertisement
Phineas and Ferb Wiki

Candace: (In a dream) But, you honor, how could I have robbed that bank if I was already wearing the prison jumpsuit? It just doesn't make any-- (She wakes up to the sound of Buford humming) Somehow I want to finish that dream to find out if I'm guilty or not. (She walks to the window, to see Buford in the backyard, humming and tying his shoes) What?!
Buford: (After he finished tying his shoes) Voilà.
Candace: Buford, what are you doing?
Buford: Just trying out my new...
(Song: "Tuff Gum" (instrumental))
Advertisement: TUFF SHOO LAYSIZZ!
Candace: No, I mean what are you doing in our yard so early?
Buford: There are two things you should know about the Van Stomms. One, we always set our alarms on time, and two, if we don't, we show up early and take our lumps. We've even got a song about it.
Candace: That's okay, I do not need to hear the song.
Buford: Too late.

(Song: "Van Stomm's Rule One")
Buford: Weeeeeellllllll...
Van Stomms wake up better
Than anyone else on Earth
It's because we have rules for sleeping
That we've seemed to know at birth
Rule One is to set the alarm clock
To precisely the proper hour!
And make sure you've got time to eat breakfast,
Get dressed, brush your tooth, and maybe a shower.
We're careful with our alarm clocks,
We're not sloppy like those other chumps
'Cause Rule Two's if you mess up and set it too early
You show up and takes your lumps

Buford: Does that answer your question?
Candace: Oh yeah, that explains a lot.
Buford: So that's why I got up early. What's your excuse?
Candace: I'm just getting an early start on busting my brothers.
Buford: You know, you should really find a new hobby. You've got no skills.
Candace: Ha! I'd like to see you keep their contraptions from disappearing at the last second.
Buford: Is that a challenge?! Because you should know that the Van Stomms never back down from a challenge.
Buford: Weeeeeellllllll...
Candace: Stop! Stop! Stop! I challenge you, just as long as you don't sing about it.
Buford: Her loss. The Van Stomm's "Accept a Challenge" song has a killer bridge. It goes to an F sharp minor, in the key of G!

(Cut to Phineas and Ferb's bedroom. Perry is sleeping on Phineas' bed.)
Major Monogram: Calling Agent P. Agent P. Wake-y wake-y Agent P. Over here. No, not on the computer screen. Though that would have made infinitely more sense. To the right. Down a bit. Over a bit more. That's right. (appears on a trading card) Hey-Oh. Carl installed a nano-screen on this trading card a few days ago, disguised as a Flynn-Fletcher family member.
Carl: (Dressed as Candace) Can you guess which one?
Monogram: Take that off already, Carl. You're creeping me out, man.
Carl: Okay...
Monogram: Sorry to wake you up so early Agent P, but evil never rests and by "evil" I mean Doofenshmirtz. It's not even 6 AM yet, and our surveillance cameras have spotted him at the local caffeination station, ordering the largest, most caffeinated beverage they sell. Nothing good can come from this hideous spurt of energy, so get to it Agent-- (Offscreen Phineas is talking to Ferb) Sounds like your boys are on their way back. Get to it Agent P. (puts the real figure on the trading card in)
Phineas: Way to floss, Ferb. Who knew fighting plaque could be so much fun? Come to think of it, (Entering his bedroom along with Ferb) I know what we're going to do today Ferb. Hey where's Perry? That's strange.
Ferb: I know we normally do this later in the day.
Phineas: Yes, yes we do.

Candace: Sweet, with Buford as my busting stooge, now I can concentrate on more important things. (Candace turns on the TV)
TV Show: It's time for "Girls Freaking Out!"
Candace: Ooh, I love this show. It makes me feel so normal.
Linda: (She walks into the room) Okay Candace, I'm off to the beach. Vivian called and said the waves are crankin'. I have my cell with me.
Candace: Oh, that's okay. I'm out-sourcing today. Everything will still be here when you get back.
Linda: Well, I certainly hope so. See you later hon.

Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!
Doofenshmirtz: (Speaking very rapidly) Gotcha. And you don't even know it yet. That's the beauty part. Watch this prolonged series of unnecessary events. (Doofenshmirtz launches a kangaroo, causing a ball to roll down a flight of stairs, through a tube) W-w-w-watch this. (the ball causes a car to drive into a target, launching an anvil into a catcher's mitt, dropping a cage on Perry) Yeah, yeah, yeah... Yes! Ha! I win! I know it's a little over the top, but I was inspired by this board game I love when I was a kid. Well actually, it was Roger's board game. But I would sneak a peek of it, through the keyhole of his door. You know it looked like I would love it. But, I borderline backstory. (He takes a few short breathes) You see, I have so much evil energy from the soy venti latte extra-caf-and-a-half quadruple sugar, blood pressure bomberino. Love it! So I spent the whole morning building this complex, giant version of the game. Really I surprised you didn't see it flying in. Okay, beholding time! Behold my Luff-Flex-Dill-Pickle-inator! What does it do, you ask? (takes out a screen) Well it will launch all of my enemies into orbit, and keep them floating there so far into the atmosphere, that they won't bother me anymore. Cool, huh? Yeah I know the name's a little weird, but hey, I bought it off the internet, and my rights to it expire tomorrow, so I was kinda forced to use it today. I have so much energy from that one cup of coffee, I just keep rambling-- (Perry hops out of a hole in his cage) Ooh. you know that trap was always the lamest part of the game. I always though-- (Perry attacks Doofenshmirtz)

Phineas: Hey Buford, you're here early.
Buford: The early bully catches the nerd, my friends.
Baljeet: Hello.
Buford: And my point is made for me.
Isabella: Hi Phineas
Irving: I am here also.
Isabella: Whatcha doin'?
Phineas: Well our inspiration for today's activity manifested as we performed our morning ablutions.
Isabella: I love it when Phineas uses unnecessarily long words for common things like brushing your teeth and washing up.
Baljeet: Yes, it is gratifyingly erudite.
Isabella: It's not as cute when you do it.
Baljeet: (he sighs) I am cognizant of that fact.
Phineas: Introducing the Dental-Hygenosphere. A thrill packed adventure through the exciting and colossal word of Dental hygiene. Now who's with us?
Isabella and Baljeet: Me!
Irving: We!
Buford: It's a little preach-y for my taste, but count me in too.
Isabella: I'll help with the super structure.
Baljeet: Ooh! I will spray on the enamel coating.
Irving: And I'll sell ballooths. (Isabella and Baljeet stare at Irving) Balloons in the shape of a tooth.
Baljeet: Oh, you mean toothalloons.
Isabella: Ballooths? Where'd you get ballooths from?
Buford: Yeah, that's toothalloons. And I'll lock it all down, and make sure it doesn't move.
Phineas: Alright, safety first, I guess. Knock yourself out.
Candace: (Looking out of her window) Let's see how the rookie's doing on his assignment. (Quirky Worky Song in the background) Hmm, not bad. I kinda like his style.
Irving: Toothalloons! Get your toothalloons here!
(Work on the project continues and Buford proceeds to secure it)
Phineas: Alright everybody, all aboard the tooth-buggies. Ferb even installed dental floss-themed seat belts.
Isabella: Mmm, minty.
Phineas and Isabella: Woo-hoo!
(Buford gets on the ride as it begins to move, but Candace pulls him off)
Candace: Not so fast! I knew too! You're giving up, and just going on the ride for fun.
Buford: Not hardly. I swiped this bad-boy (His rivet gun) from the orthodontist's section, to cut off stuff sticking out of the ride that could snag a passing plane as they go along.
Candace: Listen, this thing ain't snag on a plane is just the tip of the bicuspid. It could shrink down to the size of a real tooth, and get lost in the grass. Or turn to ice, and melt into nothingness. For all you know it could turn into a giant Ducky Momo, and fly away. Are you prepared for all that?
Buford: Weeeeeellllllll...
Candace: I don't need to hear the "We Prepare for Every Eventuality" song.
Buford: Fine, for the record though, it's the "Be Prepared for Every Eventuality" song. It's in the imperative tense. (walks away angrily)
(On the ride)
Isabella: Wow, the periodontal level was awesome.
Phineas: Hang onto your retainers, everyone as we travel through the pulp chamber, past the cementoenamel junction, and up, up up, to the apex of the crown.
Phineas and Isabella: Yeah! Woo-hoo!
Baljeet: (To Ferb) You know this is tame compared to other roller coasters, but when you compare it to other dental themed rides, it is a rush!

Doofenshmirtz: (Weaving from behind a giant pink kangaroo) Now you see me. Now you don't. Now you see me. Now you don't. Hehe. (Perry punches him, and Doofenshmirtz falls down the stairs, and slides across the ramp of the trap) Hey, where'd ya' go? (Perry bounces up to the catches mitt holding the anvil) I've got you now Perry the Platypus. (Doofenshmirtz bounces up to get him, but smashes into the anvil, which then falls on him.) Ow!

Buford: I've completely protected their invention from airplane snags, stray balloons, meteorites, flocks of wild gazelles, and giant cracks that form in the crust of the Earth.
Candace: What if it turns into water?
Buford: Covered.
Candace: What if it turns into smoke?
Buford: Covered.
Candace: What if it space-harpies descend from the sky and have it for breakfast?
Buford: Aw, come on, really? Totally covered.
Candace: Really? And how di--
Buford: I sprayed it with space-harpy repellent.
Candace: Yeah, okay. Just make sure this is still here when I come back with my mom. (On the phone) Mom! Mom!
Buford: If there's one thing us Van Stomm do, we make sure things are still there when people get back with their moms. Well..

Doofenshmirtz: Hold still so I can hit you fair-and-square. (Perry kicks Doofenshmirtz into his -inator, causing it to fire) Really!?
(The beam hits a lawn chair in Phineas and Ferb's backyard)
Buford: Aw man! Random green rays from the sky! I forgot about random green rays from the sky! Oh, no, not on my watch. (Buford throws assorted objects in the path of a green rays) Oh, man, I've run out of conveniently placed objects. Bingo. (Buford runs, and grabs Irving's helium balloon) Coming through!
Irving: My toothalloons!
Buford: Yeah, they weren't selling anyway. Not on my watch. (Another beam hits the helium tank, and it floats away) Ah! The helium tank! Actually it's kinda ironic when you think about it. (Buford sees another beam heading towards him, and in slow motions blocks the beam with his body) Not on my watch! (He begins floating upward) Yes! The human shield tactic never failed. (He notices his shoe laces are caught on the tooth) man, I knew I should have hung onto that laser.
(Phineas, Ferb, Isabella, and Baljeet all exit the ride)
Isabella: Woo-hoo!
Phineas: Woo-hoo.
Baljeet: Let us go again. (The Tooth gets lift up)
Baljeet: Maybe not.
Buford: AAAAAH! I guess they ain't called--
(Song: "Tuff Gum" (instrumental))
Advertisement: TUFF SHOO LAYSIZZ!
Buford: ...for nothin'.

Doofenshmirtz: Prepare to be blitzed by my inexplicable, new found martial arts mastery! (Doofenshmirtz shows off his new found talent, but accidentally kicks off his shoe) I hate to ask Perry the Platypus, but have you seen my other-- (Perry is seen rubbing his head, with Doofenshmirtz's shoe lying beside him) Oh, there it is. That's what I was planning to do. Perry the Platypus, looks like this is the end for you. (Doofenshmirtz lines up his -inator to hit Perry. However Perry throws Doofenshmirtz's shoe at him, causing the -inator to fire at Doofenshmirtz's building, and Doofenshmirtz to flip over the edge of the building, having him hang their by only his knees) Just not nice! (The top of Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated lifts into the sky)

Buford: (After untying himself from the giant tooth) Well, I hope that lands in the backyard of a giant who needs a fake tooth.
(Perry smashes the inner workings of the -inator)
Doofenshmirtz: Hey, hey did you say, (He mimics a few electrical noises)
Buford: You know I kind of like to sit back and relax after all that manual labour. (The floating effect wears off of him and the other objects hit by the -inator) Uh-oh. (He plunges downward) Ahhhhhh! I've got a song about how Van Stomms fall from the sky too, but, it doesn't end well.
Isabella: That was so much fun.
Phineas: Too bad Buford missed it all. I wonder where he got to.
(Buford's laces catch on the tree, and he hangs in front of the gang)
Buford: Hello.
Phineas: Hey, Buford. Are those--
(Song: "Tuff Gum" (instrumental))
Advertisement: TUFF SHOO LAYSIZZ!
Buford: Yes, yes they are.

(Scene cuts to the gate)
Candace: Right over here Mom. Ta-da!
(Long pause, Candace frowns. Her perspective)
Phineas: Hi Mom! Hi Candace!
Linda: What are you guys up to? Buford, are you okay?
Buford: Just putting my new laysizz through their paces.
Linda: Okay then. Then I'm going inside. Who wants pie?
Isabella: I do.
Baljeet: Ah, yes.
Phineas: Yeah, me too.
Baljeet: I always want pie.
Candace: (stomps up to Buford) Buford, explain yourself!
Buford: Weeeeeellllllll...
Candace: (running away) I'm not hearing it!
Buford: ...if we Van Stomms don't succeed on the very first try... ...Then we just give up.

(The top of DEI lands in the middle of a desert)
Doofenshmirtz: Just in case anyone's wondering what happened to old Doofenshmirtz, I'm okay. (The giant tooth lands on top of him) Well, obviously not now.

End credits[]

Buford: Weeeeeellllllll...
Van Stomms wake up better
Than anyone else on Earth
It's because we have rules for sleeping
That we've seemed to know at birth
Rule One is to set the alarm clock
To precisely the proper hour!
And make sure you've got time to eat breakfast,
Get dressed, brush your tooth, and maybe a shower.
We're careful with our alarm clocks,
We're not sloppy like those other chumps
'Cause Rule Two's if you mess up and set it too early
You show up and takes your lumps

Previous:
"Happy New Year!"
Episode transcripts Next:
"Backyard Hodge Podge"
v - e - dEpisode transcripts
Season 1
"Rollercoaster" | "Lawn Gnome Beach Party of Terror" | "Flop Starz" | "The Fast and the Phineas"
"Lights, Candace, Action!" | "Raging Bully" | "Candace Loses Her Head" | "I, Brobot"
"Run Away Runway" | "The Magnificent Few" | "S'Winter" | "Jerk De Soleil" | "Are You My Mummy?"
"Ready for the Bettys" | "I Scream, You Scream" | "Toy to the World" | "Get That Bigfoot Outa My Face!"
"It's a Mud, Mud, Mud, Mud World" | "Mom's Birthday" | "Journey to the Center of Candace"
"It's About Time!" | "Dude, We're Getting the Band Back Together" | "Tree to Get Ready"
"The Ballad of Badbeard" | "Greece Lightning" | "Leave the Busting to Us!" | "Crack That Whip"
"The Best Lazy Day Ever" | "Boyfriend From 27,000 B.C." | "Voyage to the Bottom of Buford"
"A Hard Day's Knight" | "Traffic Cam Caper" | "Bowl-R-Ama Drama" | "Got Game?" | "Comet Kermillian"
"Put That Putter Away" | "Does This Duckbill Make Me Look Fat?" | "The Flying Fishmonger"
"One Good Scare Ought to Do It!" | "The Monster of Phineas-n-Ferbenstein" | "Oil on Candace"
"Out of Toon" | "Hail Doofania!" | "Out to Launch" | "Phineas and Ferb Get Busted!"
"Unfair Science Fair" | "Unfair Science Fair Redux (Another Story)"
Season 2
"The Lake Nose Monster" | "Interview With a Platypus" | "Tip of the Day" | "Attack of the 50 Foot Sister"
"Backyard Aquarium" | "Day of the Living Gelatin" | "Elementary My Dear Stacy" | "Don't Even Blink"
"Chez Platypus" | "Perry Lays an Egg" | "Gaming the System" | "The Chronicles of Meap"
"Thaddeus and Thor" | "De Plane! De Plane!" | "Let's Take a Quiz" | "At the Car Wash"
"Oh, There You Are, Perry" | "Swiss Family Phineas" | "Hide and Seek" | "That Sinking Feeling"
"The Baljeatles" | "Vanessassary Roughness" | "No More Bunny Business" | "Spa Day"
"Phineas and Ferb Musical Cliptastic Countdown" | "Phineas and Ferb's Quantum Boogaloo"
"Bubble Boys" | "Isabella and the Temple of Sap" | "Cheer Up Candace" | "Fireside Girl Jamboree"
"The Bully Code" | "Finding Mary McGuffin" | "Picture This" | "Nerdy Dancin'" | "What Do It Do?"
"Atlantis" | "Phineas and Ferb Christmas Vacation!" | "Just Passing Through" | "Candace's Big Day"
"I Was a Middle Aged Robot" | "Suddenly Suzy" | "Undercover Carl" | "Hip Hip Parade"
"Invasion of the Ferb Snatchers" | "Ain't No Kiddie Ride" | "Not Phineas and Ferb"
"Phineas and Ferb-Busters!" | "The Lizard Whisperer" | "Robot Rodeo" | "The Beak" | "She's the Mayor"
"The Lemonade Stand" | "Phineas and Ferb Hawaiian Vacation" | "Nerds of a Feather" | "Wizard of Odd"
"We Call it Maze" | "Ladies and Gentlemen, Meet Max Modem!" | "The Secret of Success"
"The Doof Side of the Moon" | "Split Personality" | "Brain Drain" | "Rollercoaster: The Musical!"
"Make Play" | "Candace Gets Busted"
Season 3
"The Great Indoors" | "Canderemy" | "Run, Candace, Run" | "Last Train to Bustville"
"Phineas' Birthday Clip-O-Rama!" | "The Belly of the Beast" | "Moon Farm" | "Ask a Foolish Question"
"Misperceived Monotreme" | "Candace Disconnected" | "Magic Carpet Ride" | "Bad Hair Day"
"Meatloaf Surprise" | "Phineas and Ferb Interrupted" | "A Real Boy" | "Mommy Can You Hear Me?"
"Road Trip" | "Tour de Ferb" | "Skiddley Whiffers" | "My Fair Goalie" | "Bullseye!" | "That's the Spirit"
"The Curse of Candace" | "Escape from Phineas Tower" | "Lotsa Latkes" | "Ferb Latin"
"A Phineas and Ferb Family Christmas" | "Tri-Stone Area" | "Doof Dynasty" | "Excaliferb"
"Phineas and Ferb and the Temple of Juatchadoon" | "Monster from the Id" | "Gi-Ants"
"The Remains of the Platypus" | "Mom's in the House" | "Perry The Actorpus" | "Let's Bounce"
"Bully Bromance Breakup" | "Quietest Day Ever" | "‎‎The Doonkelberry Imperative" | "Meapless in Seattle"
"Delivery of Destiny" | "Buford Confidential" | "The Mom Attractor" | "Cranius Maximus" | "Agent Doof"
"Minor Monogram" | "What A Croc!" | "Sleepwalk Surprise" | "Sci-Fi Pie Fly" | "Sipping with the Enemy"
"Tri-State Treasure: Boot of Secrets" | "Doofapus" | "Norm Unleashed" | "Where's Perry?"
"Where's Perry? (Part Two)" | "Ferb TV" | "When Worlds Collide" | "What'd I Miss?" | "Road to Danville"
"This Is Your Backstory" | "Blackout!"
Season 4
"For Your Ice Only" | "Happy New Year!" | "Fly On the Wall" | "Bully Bust" | "My Sweet Ride"
"Der Kinderlumper" | "Sidetracked" | "Primal Perry" | "Mind Share" | "Backyard Hodge Podge"
"Bee Day" | "Bee Story" | "Great Balls Of Water" | "Where's Pinky?"
"Phineas and Ferb Musical Cliptastic Countdown Hosted by Kelly Osbourne"
"Knot My Problem" | "Just Desserts" | "La Candace-Cabra" | "Happy Birthday, Isabella"
"Love at First Byte" | "One Good Turn" | "Thanks But No Thanks" | "Troy Story" | "Druselsteinoween"
"Terrifying Tri-State Trilogy of Terror" | "Face Your Fear" | "Cheers for Fears" | "Steampunx"
"Just Our Luck" | "Return Policy" | "Live and Let Drive" | "Father's Day" | "Imperfect Storm"
"The Return of the Rogue Rabbit" | "It's No Picnic" | "The Klimpaloon Ultimatum"
"Operation Crumb Cake" | "Mandace" | "Lost in Danville" | "The Inator Method"
"Tales from the Resistance: Back to the 2nd Dimension" | "Doof 101" | "Act Your Age"
Season 5
"Summer Block Buster" | "Cloudy with a Chance of Mom" | "Appetite for Adventure" | "License to Bust"
"Dry Another Day" | "Deconstructing Doof" | "Tropey McTropeface" | "Biblio-Blast!" | "A Chip to the Vet"
"More Than an Intern" | "The Aurora Perry-Alis" | "Agent T (For Teen)" | "The Haberdasher"
"The Candace Suit" | "Out of Character" | "Meap Me in St. Louis"
Specials
Original Pitch | "Phineas and Ferb: Summer Belongs to You!" | "Phineas and Ferb: Mission Marvel"
"Phineas and Ferb Save Summer" | "Phineas and Ferb: Star Wars" | "Night of the Living Pharmacists"
"Last Day of Summer" | "O.W.C.A. Files" | "The Phineas and Ferb Effect"
Films
Across the 2nd Dimension | Candace Against the Universe
Advertisement