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Candace Loses Her Head/Transcript

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< Candace Loses Her Head

(Scene opens up showing Phineas sleeping.)
Na, na na
Phineas: Yes! Hey, Ferb! (Throws pillow at Ferb) It's Candace's birthday! We gotta do better than last year.

(Flashback)
Gorilla: (Comes out cake; Roars)
Candace: AAH! (Slams door)
(Flashback ends)
Phineas: Not our best work. This time it's gotta be something huge!

(Song: She's Candace)
She's Candace.
Like the Venus De Milo, except she's not armless and handless.
She's got a big, honking truckload of ship-launching qualities.
And this is the reason she bears no resemblance to a praying mantis!
(Candace) A name with 7 letters!
(Candace) Only wears designer sweaters!
(Candace) She's got an allergy to dairy!
(Candace) And she's anything but ordinary!
(Perry chatters, Candace wakes up)
Candace: Perry?
(Perry is on Candace's bed)

(Cut to the kitchen where Candace gives Perry to Ferb)
This is yours, I believe.
Linda: Happy birthday, Candace! I made you a special breakfast! (Shows a pile of pancakes with a birthday candle on top)
Lawrence: And after that, we have a surprise!
Candace: What is it?! Where is it?!
Lawrence: We have to drive to it.
Candace: (gasps) Ooooooooooh!!!

(Cut to the family car)
(offscreen) Is it the mall?
(Cut to in the car)
Linda: (offscreen) No.
Candace: Okay... (looks around) but is it the mall, right?
(The car is entering Mount Rushmore)
Lawrence: (offscreen) No, it's not the mall!
(Cut back to Candace)
Candace: Wait. Please don't tell me we're going to Mt. Rushmore...
Linda: Isn't it great? (Looks at a pamphlet) Four American presidents carved into a side of a mountain.
Lawrence: It was Phineas and Ferb's idea!
(Candace gives Phineas an angry glare)
Phineas: You're welcome.

(In the parking lot...) Lawrence: Okay. You lot go on ahead. I'll find a parking spot and meet you there! (drives off)
Phineas: We're going up to the monument. Come on, Perry.
Linda: Okay, we'll join you in a minute!

(Cut to the gift shop)
Okay, Candace. It's your birthday, you can pick out anything you want. Ooh, what about the Mt. Rushmore bobble head?
Candace: Mom, that's lame.
Linda: Okay. How about this cute, cuddly Lincoln?
Candace: Jeremy? (Runs to counter) Hi, Jeremy.
Jeremy: Hey, Candace.
Candace: What are you doing here?
Jeremy: Ah, I'm just here on the Mr. Slushy Burger worker exchange program.
Candace: Um... (Clattering) Uh, oh, well, it's my birthday today, and...I...uh... (Clattering) I gotta check something. Back in a flash, 'kay? (Zips off)

(Outside)
(Deeply) Where'd they go?

(Back inside)
Isabella: Hi, Mrs. Fletcher.
Linda: Oh, hi, Isabella. What brings you girls here?
Isabella: Fireside Girls field trip. Um, is Phineas here?
Linda: Mmm hmm. He and Ferb are up on the monument.

Phineas: Possibilities.
Ferb: (Ding)
Phineas: Hey, where's Perry?

Doo be doo be doo ba,
Doo be doo be doo ba,
Doo be doo be doo ba,
Doo be doo be doo ba,
Doo be-
Doo be doo be doo ba, Doo be doo be doo ba
Major Monogram: Good morning, Agent P. Dr. Doofenshmirtz is up to no good again. We just discovered his new hideout is located inside Lincoln's head at Mt. Rushmore. (Perry scowls) I-I know. You were just there. Poor planning on our part, actually. Sorry.

Candace: (growling voice) Phineas?! Ferrrrb?! Ohh.
Man: Hey, honey. What are them kids doing up on the monument?
Candace: Let me see that. (Looks through the binoculars, sees Phineas and Ferb on the monument and gasps) Mom! Mom, you've got to see this now. Here, look!
Linda: Oop. Ran out of time.
Candace: Oh, (Rummaging) here, look now!
(Linda looks through the telescope, but the water from a geyser blocks the action)
Linda: Oh, Old Reliable Geyser. How exciting! (at Candace) I'm just gonna go back to the gift shop.
(Candace looks through the telescope, the water has stopped gushing. Candace cringes and stomps off, causing the telescope to bounce up to Perry, who enters Lincoln's head to Doofenshmirtz's lair)

Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus! Your timing is impeccable. And by impeccable I mean: COMPLETELY PECCABLE! (Laughs) You're just in time to witness my latest scheme. Behold, my Drill-Inator! I will bore a tunnel to China, build a toll highway, and make millions!
So, as they say in China: Arrivederci!
(Punches landing)

Phineas: Now, where should we start?
Isabella: (dreamy voice) Hi, Phineas. What'cha doin'?
Phineas: It's a surprise.
Isabella: Can I help?
Phineas: We could use a lookout!
Isabella: You got it!
(Rushes to trees, birds squawking)

Cashier: Uh, ma'am, if you handle the big stick, you gotta buy it.
Candace: Mom! You gotta see what Phineas and Ferb are doing!

Ranger: (On megaphone) Uh, excuse me. Aren't you a little young to be restoring a national monument?
Ferb: (Holds megaphone)
Phineas: (On megaphone) Yes. Yes we are.
Ranger: Well, it's good to see young people taking an interest in our national heritage.

Doofenshmirtz: (Grunting and screaming)
Computer Voice: Hull overheating. Hull overheating.
Doofenshmirtz: The molten lava of the earth's core completely slipped my mind.
Oh no! THE LAVA IS FOLLOWING US!!!
The lava is being diverted. You did it, Perry the Platypus! You saved us!
I hate to be a stickler, but the lava is coming AGAIN!!! FASTER!

Candace: Wait 'till you see what those two are up to!
Isabella: (singsong) She's coming!

[ Phineas and Ferb Theme Song instrumental ]

(Candace and Linda are coming up the stairs)
They're getting closer!!
Phineas: We're running a little behind on schedule. Go to Plan B.
Isabella: (on bullhorn) Plan B, girls!
(The Fireside Girls haul something over to the viewing area)

Candace: You are gonna be shocked by what I'm about to show you, Mom.

(They arrive at the viewing area, but Candace is the one who's shocked, not Linda. What they see is a cardboard Mount Rushmore)
Linda: Hmm. I guess things look better in photos. (Phone rings) Oh, it's Dad. (walks away)
(Cut to Lawrence)
Lawrence: Hi, honey! I found an absolutely brilliant parking space!
(widen to reveal a huge parking lot, an arrow shows where the car is, cut back to Linda)
Linda: (Going down the stairs) Great! I'll meet you at the gift shop, Dear. I still have to buy that big stick.

(Candace still stares shocked at what she saw. A bird knocks the cardboard down revealing the real Mount Rushmore)
Candace: Huh?
Phineas: Now! (Phineas and Ferb swing on ropes, revealing a hideous looking Candace statue. Candace is still shocked)
Phineas: (long pause) Oops.
(Ferb hammers a rock, the hideous statue crumbles, revealing a proper Candace statue. Briefly Candace is still shocked, but it turns into happiness)
Candace: Huh? (tears up, sobs) Why it's... (sobs) i-it's...IIIIIT'S BEAUUUUTIFULLLL...! (sobs) MOOOOOM!!! (runs off)

(Candace runs down the stairs)
Candace: Mom! (trips) I've gotta show you something right now! (drags her) Come on! Follow me!
Linda: Candace, are you still trying to get the boys in trouble?
Candace: No! No, no, this is a great thing! Oh, it's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me!
Linda: (tries to climb the stairs) You know, Candace, this is the second time I've climbed up there! I'm already down half a dress size!
Candace: Come on! Hurry!

(Cut to the Drill-inator, it bursts out of the "nose" on the Candace statue)
Doofenshmirtz: AAH! (Perry locks the Drill-inator's target onto the Old Reliable Geyser and jumps off)
Wait, where are you going? AAH! (The Drill-inator lands on the geyser) I'm okay, I -- (spins around and gets flung away) AAH! Fie upon you, Perry the Platypuuuuus!
(Perry parachutes down to safty)

(Cut back to Candace)
Candace: Hurry, Mom! You won't believe it!
(Spots of lava form on the statue)
...Huh?
(Lava bursts out of the spots on the statue)
(Gasps) Ewwwww!
(More lava bursts out, Candace gets shocked. The statue explodes as an orchestra plays music to match the feeling and Phineas and Ferb roast hot dogs on the lava. Water from the geyser spurts out from under the Drill-inator at the lava, cooling it)

(Candace's expression changes to depression, Linda makes her perfectly timed entrance) Linda: Whew! Finally made it, honey! Now, what is it you wanted me to see?
Candace: Bu...bu...!
(Camera shows the lava smoke vanishing, revealing the normal monument, no Candace statue and all)
Linda: You're right! It's beautiful! (hugs her) Happy birthday, honey. (Kisses Candace's cheek) Now let's go find your father. (Linda walks away, camera zooms in on a saddened Candace)

Candace: Ugh! (bangs her head on the iron rod)
(Phineas and Ferb come over)
Phineas: Did ya like your birthday present?
Candace: Uh-huh, uh... (walks away)
Ferb: Well, it was definitely better than the gorilla in the cake.

End Credits

(Candace is sadly descending the stairs)
Jeremy: (comes over with a gift box) Hey, Candace! I had a break, and I, uh, I thought I'd give you this for you birthday. (Gives her the box, she opens it) I saw you looking at it in the gift shop.
(Candace takes out her present:)
Candace: A Mt. Rushmore bobble head.
Jeremy: Eh -- You like it?
(Pause)
Candace: (Dreamly) Oh! I absolutely love it...
Jeremy: Great. I gotta get back. Happy birthday! (walks away waving)
(Pause, Candace boxes up her present)
Candace: This was the best birthday ever! (walks away)
(Suspense music plays as Perry parachutes in the background)

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