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Cheers for Fears/Transcript

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(Open on the Flynn-Fletcher house. Cut to Candace's bedroom.)
Candace: (on phone) I'm totally sunk, Stace! I've been working on Jeremy's birthday present for months, but it's not even close to as good as I want it to be. (Cut to reveal she's working on a popup book showing their first kiss.) Ugh! Lame!
(Cut to Stacy, who is in a store purchasing many hair bows.)
Stacy: Oh, come on, Candace. You're overthinking this. (The cashier puts a watermelon on the tread.) Jeremy'll love anything you make. What's your worry?
(Cut back to Candace.)
Candace: I just wanna do something really special to show Jeremy how much I care. Something way over the top! Something that defies the laws of physics and excedes the boundaries of the imaginatio— (realizes what she's talking about) Oh no.
(Cut to Stacy.)
Stacy: Oh, yes.
(Cut back to Candace.)
Candace: No no no no no! Anything but that!
(Cut back to Stacy.)
Stacy: You're going to have to ask for help from...
(Cut back to Candace.)
Candace: Phineas and Ferb. (Puts her head in her hand like she has a migraine.) Uggggh.

(Cut to the gang in the backyard with a large popcorn behind them. Perry is eating some popcorn.)
Phineas: Well, now that we've ironed out the bugs in our fusion-powered popper, the popcorn is nice and fluffy...and no longer glowing, so we're good to go. (Candace comes in mumbling under her breath.) Uh, what's that, Candace?
Buford: Lemme talk to her, guys. I speak sullen.
(Buford and Candace have a conversation in mumbled gibberish.)
Buford: Candace messed up and now Jeremy's birthday is ruined.
Candace: Hey!! You completely misinterpreted what I said!
Buford: Nuance.
Phineas: So what's goin' on, Candace?
Candace: (sighs) It's Jeremy's birthday and I wanna do something really special to show I care and you guys are good at doing, you know, what you do, and, well, all I have is this scrapbook and I don't wanna blow it so can you help me, huh? (gives Phineas the book)
Phineas: Wow! This is great! It's like a blueprint! Ferb, I know what else we're gonna do today!
Candace: Great! Start workin' your magic and, no pressure, but it's gotta be PERFECT!!!
Phineas: We'll do our best!
Candace: (mumbling) Thnk yu.
Buford: Oh. She said, "Where's Perry?"
Candace: You have got to work on your sullen!

(Cut to Agent P's lair. Agent P drops into his chair.)
Major Monogram: Hey, there, Agent P! Well, it's Horrific Movie Night at my house where a bunch of agency guys get together and make fun of ridiculously bad movies.
Carl: He's always the guy shushing everybody.
Major Monogram: Well, there's a time for fun and a time to pay attention.
Carl: Pfft.
Major Monogram: Anyway, Agent P, when we went to rent tonight's horrific horror classic, Night of the Living Torso, it was already gone. In fact, all the movies within the horror genre throughout Danville have been checked out, which is definitely a bummer, and could possibly be evil. Go check on Doof and see if he's bogarting those movies...uh, before 6:30 if possible. (Agent P raises his arms up, and a pair of mechanical arms give him his jet pack. He blasts off.)

(Cut to inside the house. Linda is by the stairs. Candace comes down with a box of stuff in her arms.)
Linda: Candace, I'm headed out.
Candace: (trying to not sound suspicious) Okay, Mom.
Linda: What's with the box?
Candace: Oh, uh, nothing. I just wanted to see what this stuff looked like outside.
Linda: Candace, is this a ploy to get me to go outside to see what the boys are up to?
Candace: No!! Er, I mean, uh, no need. (pushing her mom out) Just go out and, uh, feel free to stay for a while. Stay out all afternoon in fact. Heh-heh, heh.
Linda: Reverse psychology. Nice try, hon. Glad to see you changing it up. See ya later.
Candace: Okay, bye.

(Cut back to the backyard. Candace approaches her brothers with the box.)
Candace: So here's all the Jeremobilia I could find. (gives the box to Phineas) Now what?
Phineas: Cool! (Ferb gives Candace a camera) Now just go around town and take pictures of all the Jeremy-related places and things you can. The camera will transmit them back to us to incorporate into our mega-interactive scrapbook-aganaza.
Candace: No problemo! Candace is on field duty, peace!
(Isabella approaches Phineas.)
Phineas: I'm sorry, were you gonna say something? (Isabella shrugs.) Okay.

(Cut to:)
Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!
(Cut to inside. Perry once again breaks down the door and, as usual, gets trapped by a rope. He hangs upside down from it. Cut to Doof watching a woman screaming on his TV surrounded by hundreds of DVDs.)
Doofenshmirtz: (sighs, pauses the movie) Isn't that always the way? Right at the exciting part, that's when the doorbell rings...or, y'know, a platypus breaks it down. Anyway, behold the Worst-Fear-inator! (pause) What? (Doof tilts his head. POV shot from Doof as he sees the popcorn cart is blocking the inator.) Oh, yeah, I-I guess from your point of view, it's a little difficult to see. Lemme just get this outta the way for you. (He pushes the popcorn out out of the way.) There we go. Now, in my never-ending pursuit of domination, I discovered that the best evil rulers used fear to keep people in line. So to get into the right headspace, I did what any logical evil scientist would do: rented all the scary movies in Danville for research. Even the lousy ones like Dead Batteries, which is actually better than its prequel, Batteries That Work, which was...just a bunch of...portable electronic devices...functioning properly.
(Flashback of Doof watching the movies.)
Doofenshmirtz: (voiceover) Once I was terrified, I was able to analyze the fear-based synapses of the brain and extrapolate some wonderful data!
(End flashback.)
Doofenshmirtz: Basically, I shoot someone with the machine, and whatever they are afraid of actually appears...in real life! Whadaya say, Perry the Platypus? Ya like being a guinea pig? Actually, you'd look kinda cute as a guinea pig. I mean, I wonder if you'd be teal. I bet you would. I bet you'd be a cute little teal guinea pig. Something to think about for the future. Anyway, Perry the Platypus, let's fire this baby up and see what scares you. (He presses the button activating the inator.) 'Cause, y'know, it's gonna materialize right over there. (A green beam hits Perry.) Alright, so what are you afraid of, where is it? (looks around) What the hay? Nothing? (A business card slips through the ropes. Doof takes the card and reads it.) "Perry the Platypus: O.W.C.A. agent - Fearless." Huh. That figures. I guess you'll just hafta...hang around! Ha ha ha! Oh, wait, this one's better: I'll just leave you here because you're all tied up! Ha ha ha! W-W-Wait, one last one, you're gonna love it: See ya later because it isn't my tail that's upside down! (No response.) No? No no, I shoulda stuck with the first two, you're right.

(Cut to downtown Danville. Candace is wandering around with the camera.)
Candace: Ooh, score! That awning is the same color as Jeremy's eyes! (snaps the photo) Aaaand...daffodils! Just like the ones he gave me on our third date! (Snaps the flower.)

(Cut to the backyard. Phineas, Ferb and Isabella are by the computer receiving the pictures Candace took.)
Phineas: Incoming. Perfect! Same color as Jeremy's eyes! Huh, flower. I'm drawin' a blank.
Ferb: Daffodil, third date.
Phineas: Riiiight...Now the machine will take the images, and print them into giant scaled-up form.
(A printer prints out a flat daffodil, which folds itself into an oragami daffodil, and emits a scent.)
Buford: Nice touch! Smells like my grandma!
Phineas: I thought your grandma smelled like ant pheromones.
Buford: Naw, that's the other one.
Phineas: These should really make Jeremy's Birthday Scrapbook-aganza a full sensory experience!
Buford: (sarcastically) Great, just what I always wanted: to fully sense Jeremy.

(Cut back to the florist.)
Candace: Okay, what else? Ah! (She walks up to a couple drinking outside a French café. She takes the man's mug.) 'Scuse. Hot cocoa! (Snaps the mug and sips.) Not bad, although Jeremy prefers it with a little more cinnamon. (Walks away.) I gotta make a note of that for the boys.
Man: I guess my fortune came true. "You will share your cocoa with a long-necked teenager." See? Right there.
Woman: Mine just says, "Your boyfriend's gonna get a fortune cookie at a French café."

(Cut back to D.E.I.)
Doofenshmirtz: Get ready, Perry the Platypus! The Tri-State Area's about to confront its fears! (Evil laughter from Doof. Another business card with mechanical arms and legs slips through the rope and crawls up to Perry's tail. A laser beam shoots through the robot and burns the rope down, freeing Perry. He kicks Doof.) Aaah! Ow ow! I landed on my jawbone, right under that weird...sticky-outy part under your ear! And my jawbone landed on the remote. Ah, Doof. (The inator activates and shoots Doof.) Okay, nothing bad will happen as long as I don't think about anything scary or... (A pounding on the door is heard.) Oh no! I couldn't help it, it just popped in there! It can't be! (The door breaks down revealing evil vending machine robots.) Vending machines are taking over! I said it could happen! No! Stay back! Stay back! Back! Flee! Flee! (Doof attempts to escape, but the vending machines grab hold of him.) No no no no! I'm not really hungry! Really! (Stutters) No no, not the tiny vanilla cookies! How long have those been in there?! (The machines force feed Doof a packet of vanilla cookies.)

(Cut to the backyard. Candace walks up with a hard hat and a clipboard.)
Phineas: Hey, Candace, the scrapbook-aganza is complete! Plus, we got Love Händel to come in for a live soundtrack!
(Whip pan right to reveal the band.)
Danny: Okay, guys, performance level! (Strums the intro)
Candace: I'm gonna need a test run so I can make notes.
Phineas: Sure. You're the boss.
Candace: That's right.
(Candace walks up to the gondola, which activates.)
(Song: Giant 3D Scrapbook)
Love Händel: The way you play guitar, that crazy octave reach,
Your uncle's meatball sub, we must have eaten two each
Here's where you ate that soup and got that stomach flu.

Your blue eyes make me melt with a wink,
You're always so polite, you never say when I stink
It's a giant 3D scrapbook, and it's all about you.

I know that I can be high-strung,
Enough to make a lot of boyfriends flee,
But you're still here with me now
Let's make some more memories.
Let's make some more memories!

You had hunky ankles in that sandals commercial,
The time you saved that tree, it was so controversial,
It's a giant 3D scrapbook,
It's a giant 3D scrapbook,
It's a giant 3D scrapbook, and it's all about you.
And it's all about you!

Phineas: That sounded great guys, but it's a B-natural in the chorus!
Danny: Toldja!
Bobbi: That's what I was playing!

(Cut back to D.E.I. Perry is walking out leaving Doof with his fear.)
Doofenshmirtz: (offscreen) No! No! Not that! Anything but the fake red licorice! It tastes like... (Doof grunts. Perry stops walking and figures he has to save Doof.) No! What possessed me to make such a horrifying inator?! (Perry jumps on the DVDs and hops onto the inator aiming it. He lands on the floor and hits the remote. The inator hits the vending machines. A giant nickel rolls by and the machines run for their lives.) Well, I guess now we know what scares vending machines.

(Cut back to the backyard.)
Phineas: Well, Candace, do you think Jeremy will like it?
Candace: (seriously) Yeah, I just have a few notes here. (Excitedly, as she reveals she drew a smiley face on the clipboard.) It's perfect! (gasps) I love it, guys! Iloveitiloveitiloveitiloveitiloveitiloveitiloveitiloveitiloveit...
Phineas: (to Ferb) She had me at "smiley face".

(Cut back to Doof and Perry.)
Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus, you're back! (walking up to the inator) I am never setting that puppy off again. (He presses a button, and, as usual, the inator activates and aims across town.) Oops.

(Cut back to Candace.)
Candace: It's really perfect! (The beam hits Candace.) I'm glad Mom's gone for the day 'cause my biggest fear is that this is just gonna fly away before Jeremy gets here. (car horn honks, Candace gasps) And there he is! (runs off) Woohoo!
Baljeet: Uh, did anyone else see that weird green beam?
Buford: I wasn't gonna mention it.

(Cut to the gate. Candace runs out.)
Candace: Jeremy!! Jeremy Jeremy Jeremy Jeremy Jeremy!!! You gotta see what the boys built in the backyard!!! (drags him)

(Cut to the backyard as the Scrapbook-aganza flies away like Candace predicted.)
Candace: (runs up) No no no! No no!! It's gone! My worst fear has come true! I totally blew it!
Jeremy: Let me guess, you had your brothers build me something super cool for my birthday and now it disappeared. It's okay, I get it.
Phineas: We don't have the invention anymore, but here's what we used as a blueprint. Candace designed it herself.
(Phineas gives Jeremy the scrapbook, which he opens on the page showing their first kiss.)
(Song: Regular Sized Scrapbook)
Love Händel: It's a regular-sized scrapbook and it's all about you.
And it's all about you.

(Cut back to D.E.I.)
Doofenshmirtz: Oops. I really meant to hit the self-destruct button. I'll just get this for you. (Kaboom!) So, uh, you need your parking validated or, uh... Oh, oh, you found a spot on the street! Huh! Lucky you! Curse you, Perry the Platypus and all that! You know.

(Cut back to the backyard.)
Phineas: Isabella, you've been awfully quiet all day.
(Song: Watchin' and Waitin' (instrumental))
Isabella: (looks at her watch) I have just earned my 24 Hours of Silence Patch! I can see why you don't talk much, Ferb. I actually quite enjoyed it. I ended up having an inner dialogue with myself all day.
Ferb: Welcome to Ferbland.
(Zoom in on Ferb's brain.)
Ferb head #1: Yes, the universe is constantly expanding.
Ferb head #2: But what is it expanding into?
Ferb heads: Ooooooh...
Ferb head #3: Okay, now my mind is blown.

End credits

Love Händel: The way you play guitar, that crazy octave reach,
Your uncle's meatball sub, we must have eaten two each
Here's where you ate that soup and got that stomach flu.

Your blue eyes make me melt with a wink,
You're always so polite, you never say when I stink
It's a giant 3D scrapbook, and it's all about you.
And it's all about you.

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