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Crack That Whip/Transcript

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(Scene opens up showing the Flynn-Fletcher House with Lawrence practicing a speech to Phineas, Ferb, Betty Jo Flynn, and Clyde Flynn)
Lawrence: And that is why the 18th century sewing thimble was not only a slice of history, but a compelling example of American grit and perseverance. Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Yes?
Phineas: Great, Dad.
Betty Jo: Oh, that was wonderf... (She fake snores)
Linda: Mom!
Betty Jo: Oh, I'm kidding! Hon, your speech is gonna be a big hit at the antique thimble symposium.
Lawrence: It's gonna knock 'em dead.
Linda: Uh, which we're gonna be late for if we don't get on the road! Thanks again for looking after the kids today. Candace is skating at the park, all numbers are on the fridge.
Lawrence: Be good for your grandparents, boys!
Phineas: Bye!
(Door slams)
Grandma Betty Jo: You wanna go down and embarrass your sister at the park?
Phineas and Clyde: Yeah.
(Everyone dashes off)

(At the park) Stacy: You got it, Candace! You may be rusty, but you got it!
Candace: Uh, I can't turn around...or stop, but I got it! I wonder if Jeremy's skating here today. Does this helmet make my butt look big?
Phineas: See? I told you Ferb was a good skater.
Betty Jo: Ooh, that's my boy!
Stacy: Hey, isn't that your family?
Clyde: Yoo-hoo!
Betty Jo: Hello!
Phineas: Hey, Candace! Jump in!
Candace: I am so not with them! Turn me around, Stacy!
Phineas: So, Grandma, where did you get the moves?
Betty Jo: Well, boys, I was quite the skater in my– (She skates into someone) Oof! Watch where you're--
Woman: (Gasps) Betty Jo? Of the Tri-State Bombers?
Betty Jo: Hildegard? Of the Saskatoon Slashers?
Hildegard: I thought I smelled the last of you back in '57, when I whipped your sorry behind, took the trophy and became the rightful Queen of the Derby!
Phineas: Whoa, Grandma, you were in the rollerskating derby?
Betty Jo: Not only was I in it, I was champ! It was years ago. (Flashback)
Betty Jo: (Narrating) The night of the final match between the Bombers and the Slashers. We were on our final lap. What was left of my team used our signature move "The Whip" to send me to the finish line. Hildegard's team had the same idea. The trophy was mine until...
(the young Hildegard punches Betty Jo, and crosses the finish line first)
(Flashback ends)
Betty Jo: You only won because you cheated!
Hildegard: "Anything goes", remember?
Betty Jo: Well, what do you say we try it again, cheater?
Hildegard: Anytime, anywhere.
Betty Jo: You skate like a water buffalo! (The two can be heard taunting each other)
Candace: Hi, Jeremy.
Jeremy: Uh, Candace? Why is my grandma yelling at your grandma?
Candace: That's your grandmother?
Hildegard: Come on, Jeremy. You and your little sister are on my team. Suzy!
Suzy: Yes, Grandma?
Hildegard: Me, you and Jeremy are a team. Got it?
Betty Jo: So I need two of you kids on my team, okay?
Candace: Well, you can have Phineas and Ferb, Grandma. I'm not–
Suzy: But it's not fair, Candace. Our team has two girls and one boy, so you need to be on your grandma's team so it's fair. Cause it's not fair if it's two boys and one girl against two girls and one boy, so you have to skate, Candace, or else it won't be fair.
Phineas: Then it's you, Ferb, and Grandma! You'll make a great team!
Candace: B-But–
Jeremy: I guess it's set, then. We gotta do it for our grandmas. Right, Candace?
Candace: Yeah, (She chuckles) right.
Suzy: Psst. See ya on the track, chump!
Candace: Yeah, great. Hey, wait! There's nowhere to have a rollerskating derby, remember? The old derby track got torn down and turned into a tattoo parlor!
Phineas: Leave the rink to us!

(Perry put himself into a box, which the mailman picks up, and after some processing, and two plane trips, the box is placed in a mail chute, and arrives at Perry's lair)
Major Monogram: Hmm. Uh, nice entrance, Agent P. But you do realize there's an elevator over there, right? Okay, just pointing it out. Doofenshmirtz is up to something. I want you to get out there and put a stop to it.
Perry!

Candace: I can't be part of this race. I mean, what if we win? Would Jeremy still like me?
Stacy: All I know for sure is boys hate to be beaten by girls.
Clyde: There you are, hon. You know where your dad keeps his glue gun?
Candace: Glue gun? What are they up to? Later, Stace. I knew it! I just knew you would be up to something by now. Et tu, Grandpa?
Clyde: No, I just had one. There's more if you want.
Candace: Oh, just wait until Mom hears about this!
Betty Jo: Heads up!
(Betty Jo throws a helmet to Candace)
Candace: Oof!
Betty Jo: Lace 'em up tight, dearie! We've got a score to settle. Win! Win! Win! (She growls)
Phineas: Yeah.
Clyde: Ooh, yeah.

Doofenshmirtz: Will you cool it with the noise, Perry the Platypus? I've got a splitting headache. I was at this evil mixer until late last night, it was crazy. Can you hang out for just one moment? I'm almost there. Hold on. (Doofenshmirtz presses a button, and a cage falls on Perry) Ow! Oh, I've got to get a quieter trap. Now that you're trapped, I will tell you my evil plan. I'm miserable because I can't grow facial hair. It all started when I was about 15. (He begins to flashback, but then stops) Oh, you know, my head hurts too much for a flashback. Anyway, I've tried everything to grow facial hair. It's all so painful. I hate people with beards, et cetera, et cetera. So, who do they erect a statue of right next door? Rutherford B. Hayes, our 19th president! Only the president with the best facial hair of all! Just look at that thing. There's no beard like 19th century beard, Perry the Platypus. Anyway, that horrible statue must be destroyed as it is a constant reminder follicular failure! Oh. Give me just a moment, Perry. This hurts me more that it hurts you. Literally.

(At the Roller Derby)
Betty Jo: ...And then on the final lap, we'll use The Whip to send the weak skater. (to Candace) No offense, honey, but that's you. Over to the finish line—To victory!
Stacy: All I know for sure is boys hate to be beaten by girls. (In Candace's fantasy)
(Hildegard sobs)
Jeremy: Candace! Have you no mercy?! Come on, Grandma. Let's go home.
(Candace's fantasy ends)
Betty Jo: And remember, honey, show 'em no mercy!
Candace: What am I going to do? I can't beat Jeremy's grandmother. And I can't let my grandmother lose.
(Suzy sneaks in and switches Candace's skates for another pair)
Phineas: (On intercom) Skaters to their marks!
Candace: Oh, great. Maybe I'll get lucky and get hit by a bus.
Phineas: (As an announcer) Hello, everyone, and welcome to today's main event. The "anything goes" grudge race of the century between Grandma Betty Jo and Grandma Hildegard. I'm Phineas Flynn, and I'll be your announcer for today's action, along with our color commentator, Grandpa Clyde!
Clyde: Yellow, green, blue!
Phineas: Excellent color, Grandpa.
Clyde: Glad to oblige.
Phineas: And now, let's rock and roll-erskate derby!
Hildegard: Remember kids, two words...
Candace: Oof!
Hildegard: ...road kill!
Betty Jo: Come on, honey! We've got butt to kick!
(Clyde fires off a starting pistol that simply launches a flag displaying the text "bang"; an air-horn blows)
Phineas: And they're off!

(Song: Ring of Fun)
When granny get's loose, everybody get out of the way
(Round and round that ring of fun!)
'Cause she's lacing her boots up at 4:00 A.M. everyday
(Round and round that ring of fun!)
Grudge match grannies who got nothing to lose
Gray-haired lightning wearing knee pads and rouge
Crusin' for a brusin', cause you know they got a real short fuse!
That ring of fun!
Round and round that ring of fun! (X2)
Grudge Match Grannies in the midday sun
Goin' round and round in that ring of fun!
Phineas and Clyde: (Smash their guitars) Yeah!

Phineas: And we're back! Grandpa?
Clyde: Orange, purple, chartreuse!

Doofenshmirtz: So, Perry the Platypus, in order to rid myself of that horrid, bearded statue, I've invented the... (He pushes Perry's cage but soon stops) Ugh. Perry the Platypus, this is so heavy. Can you just step out for a sec? I've invented the Bread-inator! Not only will this machine emit a ray that will turn Mr. President into whole-grain bread, it will also release a flock of hungry magpies that will devour the doughy statue! Beard go bye-bye! (He laughs maniacally) Ow, ow. Aw, my evil head.

Phineas: We're coming to the end of the race. The crowd is going nuts!
Betty Jo: Come on, Candace, time for The Whip!
Hildegard: Okay, one, two, three!
(Both teams preform the whip, send Candace and Jeremy towards the finish line)
Suzy: Go catch her, Jeremy!
Phineas: It's Candace and Jeremy neck and neck as they come down the strait.
Suzy: I don't think so.
(Suzy presses a button on a remote, and rockets send her flying backwards, up a set of stairs, and she bounces off a blimp, to land back with Jeremy)
Jeremy: Wow! Candace, you've got to teach me how to skate like that.
(Jeremy takes Candace's hand, and Suzy hits the button again, and both Candace and Jeremy are sent flying back)
Phineas: Oh, wait! Candace and Jeremy are back in the race, but they're going the wrong way! (Suzy begins to backpedal to avoid Candace and Jeremy) And now, Suzy is going the wrong way too! At least Ferb's still going the right way! (Ferb get's swept up by the Candace/Jeremy/Suzy rocket train going the other way) Oops, spoke too soon.
Betty Jo: And don't even think about any rough this time, sister, or I'll kick your fat–
(Betty Jo and Hildegard jump over the mass of people coming at them)
Phineas: And it's Betty Jo pulling away! It's Grandma Hildegard coming up on the shoulder! (Hildegard lands on Betty Jo's shoulders) And by "shoulder" I mean Betty Jo's shoulders!
Betty Jo: Get off of me! I can't see!
Phineas: It's Grandma Betty! It's Hildegard! It's Betty! It's Hildegard! It's a tie!
Clyde: A tie? Ooh. Betty Jo ain't gonna like that.
Betty Jo: Well, at least I won this race.
Hildegard: You won? You're crazy! I obviously crossed the finish line first!
Betty Jo: Wrong! And, get off, cheater!
Candace: Hey, Grandma, that was really fun! I thought it'd be lame and I'd hate it, but, I had fun.
Betty Jo: How about you, Hilda? Did you have fun?
Hildegard: Yeah, I did. Maybe it ain't so important who won but that we had fun with the kids.
Betty Jo: Yea, maybe it ain't important. But just for the record, I won.
Hildegard: You mean, even though you lost, it's having fun that's important.
Betty Jo: Who are you calling an loser, cheater?
Hildegard: Who are you calling a cheater, loser?
Betty Jo: That's it! Race ya to the Rutherford B. Hayes statue! Go!
(Everyone but Phineas, Ferb, Candace, and Jeremy dashes off)

Doofenshmirtz: (He sighs) Perry the Platypus...my head is killing me. This is all a wash anyway. I'll turn on the ray and you'll turn off the ray, thwarting my plan. Let's just get it over with, all right? Ray on.
(Doofenshmirtz fires the -inator, but the beam bounces off a mirror, two men were carrying)'
(Perry turns off the -inator)
Doofenshmirtz: Ray off. Good.
Perry!
Doofenshmirtz: I'm just going to lie down for a bit. I promise I'll be more evil next time, alright? (The magpies are released)

Candace: All right, all right, we've had our kicks. But Mom's still gonna flip when she sees this. (A car door shuts) That's her car! You are so busted! (she skates into the house)
(The Bread-inator hits the roller rink, turning into a giant loaf of bread)
Candace: (coming out of the house) Mom, come on, come on! The boys built a giant roller rink in the backyard– uh...giant loaf of bread?
Phineas: (in the same intonation as "I don't know") Ah 'unno.
Candace: (skates back inside) Moooom Mom! The boys built a giant loaf of bread in the backyard!
Linda: (inside the house) What? I thought you said it was a roller rink.
(The magpies eat the bread)
Candace: It was, but now it's a loaf of bread! (skates back out) Come on, come on! See?! (stops to see that the bread is gone)
Linda: (comes out with Lawrence) Candace, what are you talking about?!
Candace: B-b-b...bread...
Linda: (at Phineas and Ferb) Boys, I think she's finally lost it.
Phineas: Hey, Dad. How'd your speech go?
Lawrence: Well, I have to say it was "thimbly" wonderful.
Phineas: Hey, what's this thing do?
(Phineas presses the button on Suzy's remote)
Candace: Wha–? (Candace is launched off)
Jeremy: Hey, guys. Candace around?
(Jeremy catches Candace as she rockets into his arms)
Ferb: Good catch, Jeremy.
Candace: (She giggles) He sure is.

End Credits

(Song: Perry the Platypus (song))
He's a semi-aquatic, egg-laying mammal of action!
(Dooby dooby doo-bah)
(Dooby dooby doo-bah)
He's a furry little flatfoot, who'll never flinch from a fray-ay-ay!
He's got more than just mad skill,
(Wah-ah-ah)
He's got a beaver's tail and a bill!
(ah-ah) And the women swoon whenever they hear him say!
(Perry chatters, women faint)
He's Perry! Perry the Platypus!

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