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Der Kinderlumper/Transcript

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(Scene opens up at D.E.I with Doofenshmirtz yelling in his dream.)
Doofenshmirtz: No, No, No! I've been good! Don't put me in your gundersack! Not the gundersack! Ahhhhhhhhh! The Kinderlumper!
(Doofenshmirtz sits up in bed, breathing heavily, then gasps.)
Doofenshmirtz: That's it! Der Kinderlumper!
(Doofenshmirtz chuckles evilly as he comes to a evil realization.)


(Scene shifts to the the Flynn-Fletcher house.)
Candace: So, what do you think?
Stacy: I think you look like you just fell off a turnip truck, and then got run over by a rutabaga truck.
Candace: Yeah yeah, real funny. This is the official rutabaga regalia for the 100th Running of the Chinchillas from Danville to Badger Town. By wearing this it will entice the chinchillas to follow me the Princess!
Stacy: So yeah, I get it. It's a huge honor and everything. But come on Candace, why do you really want to be Rutabaga Princess?
Candace: I get to start the Running of the Chinchillas!
Stacy: Yeah...
Candace: Mom, Dad, and everyone in Danville will be waiting in Badger Town to see me cross the finish line!
Stacy: Yeah...
Candace: I get to be on TV!
Stacy: That's the reason!
Candace: Stacy, this is my first step on my way to stardom and as my best friend, you'll be famous by association.
Stacy: That's my favorite kind of famous!
Phineas: (Off-screen.) Candace!
Candace: What is it, Phineas?
Phineas: Look at the cool vehicles we made for you for the Running of the Chinchillas! Baljeet has grown a new super street of bio engineer rutabaga!
Baljeet: I simply spliced the genetic code of a rutabaga and a giant redwood.
Buford: Aaaaannnnd?
Baljeet: And fennel.
Buford: I want it to smell like licorice!
Candace: You're not getting me into one of those things! I'm not showin' up for my TV debut lookin' like a complete weirdo! (to Stacy) What? I said, "Complete". (to the gang) And now, I must leave. My public awaits.
Stacy: Yeah, and I must go be famous by association.
Phineas: And to think, we knew Stacy before she was famous by association.

(Cut to inside the house. Perry walks on all fours before taking out his fedora and taking out a black hole and jumping into it.)
Doo bee doo bee doo—
(Linda walks in vacuuming)
Linda: Dah! I'm supposed to be in Badgertown! (she runs off leaving the still-on vacuum behind her. We hear an inexplicable cat scream in the background.)

(Cut to Agent P's lair. Monogram is on screen with a Chinchilla racing forum in one and a pen in the other. Perry approaches the screen.)
Major Monogram: Morning, Agent P. I was just doing a little handicapping for this year's Running of the Chinchillas. Think I'm going to box Dryer's Dust with Squeaky Toy.
Carl: (also holding a racing forum and a pen) And I'm taking Gerbil Bait to win.
Major Monogram: You're daft, Carl! (to Perry) Anyway, rumor has it that Doofenshmirtz plans to attend the ceremony. Odds are he's up to something evil. Better look into it, Agent P. (Perry zips away) Hmmm...Gerbil Bait. Heh, talk about your long shots. (He looks to his right) Dangit, Carl!


(Cut to an open field where a news reporter and a cameraman are on the scene)
Reporter: Good morning, everyone. I'm Mike van Hatofapilgrim here in Danville for the 100th Annual Running of the Chinchillas, (walking up to Candace and Stacy) and with us today is this year's Rutabaga Princess. And what's your name, young lady?
Candace: I'm Candace Flynn.
Stacy: (pushing Candace aside) And I'm famous by association!
Mike: That's great. (to the camera) Well, there ya have it. A good day for rutabagas, chinchillas, and self-promoting sycophantism.

(Cut to a stage. Candace is standing behind a microphone and in front of a dozen or so chinchillas.)
Candace: Ahem. Citizens of Danville, it is now time for your princess....me....to start the Running of the Chinchillas! I now summon my tuber troubadour!
(Irving approaches Candace wearing a shirt that says "I Heart Rutabagas" carrying a bugle.)
Irving: I will now play the traditional chinchilla fanfare. (He takes a deep breath and plays a very out of tune fanfare. He inhales again, while Candace swipes the horn away revealing he's simply musically exhaling.) What? But—Huh? (Candace throws the horn away.) I see. Not a music lover. (He holds up a purple pillow with a rutabaga on it) My Princess?
Candace: I will now take a bite of the ceremonial rutabaga. (She sinks her teeth into the rutabaga, but then promptly spits it into her other hand.)
Irving: And now I most humbly take my leave. (He leaves) Princess.
Candace: You do that, Sputnik. Chinchillas, let the running begin!
(And they're off!)
Mike: Well, there they go! And now, the Running of the Chinchillas is underway! And now, back to you in the studio.
Cameraman: There's no one in the studio. It's Sunday.
Mike: Really? How'm I supposed to do a live broadcast when no one is in the studio?
Cameraman: We're not live. We're taping this.
Mike: (sighs) Fine.

(Cut to Candace who is running among the chinchillas. Stacy catches up to her.)
Stacy: Candace, here, let me get your train. (Holds onto Candace's cape, then hears a loud squeak) Oh, omigosh, sorry!
Candace: I don't know, Stacy. This is harder than I thought. (another loud squeak) Oh, sorry!
Stacy: Maybe if we ran in front of them, it'd be a little easier.
Candace: Okay, now onward to Badgertown!
Stacy: Oh, omigosh, sorry!


(Cut to D. E. I. Close up on Perry who is scaling up the building with suction cups. He takes off his hat and produces from it another black hole. Cut to inside Doofenshmirtz's lab, who is in his long johns tinkering with his latest inator.)
Doofenshmirtz: That should do it. (Perry emerges from the black hole while Doof's butt flap goes down.) Excellent. (turns around) Perry the Platypus? (looks at his butt flap) Oh. (he buttons it) Sorry you had to see that. It's just that...this one button. Anyway, you are just in time to witness as I activate the Kinderlumperinator and transform myself into a real live Kinderlumper! (Perry looks at Doofenshmirtz confused) What? Don't tell me you've never heard of the Kinderlumper. (Perry simply shrugs) Y'know...uh...gigantic troll with sharp teeth and nose like a broom handle, he grabs children, puts 'em in a gundersack if they...You never heard of this? My mother used to sing me this lovely song about it right before I went to bed. And it goes a little something like this. (He claps his hands twice. The lights go out. He claps twice again to reveal he is now dressed like Cab Calloway in front of a jazz band and does some of Cabby's signature walks.)

(Song: Der Kinderlumper)
Doofenshmirtz: The Kinderlumper's probably gonna get ya
'Cause you've only ever been an awful kid
Pretty soon he's gonna come and catch ya
Then everyone will know just what you did
Because...

If you make some bubbles in the bathtub
If you've got saliva in your mouth
If you ever feel the need to blink your eyeballs
If he finds you breathing in and out

The Kinderlumper's gonna get ya
The Kinderlumper's gonna get ya

If you ever drink a glass of water
If you turn your head just slightly to the right
If you ever feel the need to use the bathroom
Then the Kinderlumper's gonna strike tonight!

The Kinderlumper's gonna get ya
The Kinderlumper's gonna get ya!
The Kinderlumper's gonna get ya
The Kinderlumper's gonna get ya!
He's gonna get you good!
The Kinderlumper's gonna get ya!

(Doofenshmirtz claps twice turning off the lights. He claps twice again turning them back on to reveal himself and Perry back where they were at the end of their conversation)
Doofenshmirtz: So anyway, I got this actual-sized Kinderlumper costume (climbing inside the suit) and I'm gonna shoot myself with the Kinderlumperinator to make me gigantic and trollish so, ya know, it will fit. Then I will go to scare my brother, Roger, so badly that he is certain to relinquish control of the Tri-State Area to me! Well, to the Kinderlumper, actually, but when the ray wears off, I'll be me again and I'll already be in control. Stand back, Perry the Platypus. Prepare to do some beholding! (He claps twice again, activating the Kinderlumperinator. Perry jumps up to him) Oh! Knock it off, you crazy platy— (The inator zaps both of them, transforming Doofenshmirtz into an exact likeness of the Kinderlumper, while Perry transforms into a rather giant hairy bearded platypus-type monster) It worked! Hee hee hee hee hee hee! (He claps twice accidentally activating the inator again, which shoots through the black hole and out the building.)


(Cut back to Candace and Stacy running in front of the chinchillas)
Candace: Y'know, Stacy? This is fun. I could get used to this princess thing. (The blue ray zaps all of the chinchillas making them into giant beasts. Stacy screams first followed by Candace. They flee past a news van. The chinchilla beasts follow them, tipping the van over. Mike and the cameraman open the doors and emerge from the van.)
Mike: Did you see that? Call in Chopper 4! This is the biggest story of my career! (He jumps out of the van) Let's get some!
Cameraman: Oh, why did I ever opt for work release?


(Cut back to D.E.I. where the giant Perry monster is stomping on the inator)
Doofenshmirtz: Seriously, Perry the Platypus, is it really necessary to destroy everything? (Perry jumps off the destroyed inator and chatters. Doofenshmirtz backs away leading Perry onto a giant black "X" in the middle of the room) N-nn-n-n-now, now, that's a good trollish gigantic platypus. (Doofenshmirtz claps twice activating a giant cage that drops on Perry) Ha! Let that be a lesson to you: Never stand on a big cartoony "X"! And now, I've a little appointment to keep with the mayor. (Doof exits laughing. Perry chatters)


(Cut back to the Flynn-Fletcher house. The gang are standing in front of the rutabaga vehicles)
Phineas: Everyone have your signs and foam fingers ready to cheer Candace on?
Baljeet: (showing his foam finger) Ready!
Buford: (showing he ate his finger) Ready!
Baljeet: Buford, you bit your finger off!
Buford: (threateningly) Yeah! What about it?!
Baljeet: Nothing.
Candace: (offscreen) Phineas Phineas Phineas...and Ferb! (she and Stacy run into the frame) You have to help us! We're being chased by monster-sized chinchillas!
Phineas: Monster-sized chinchillas? That's awesome!
Candace: Here they come!
(The chinchilla beasts stampede down the street. Cut to a news chopper where Mike and the cameraman are riding)
Mike: This is amazing! I've never been in a helicopter before!
(The cameraman sighs.)

(Cut to Candace, Stacy and the gang all in separate rutabaga vehicles. Isabella, meanwhile, is sprinting on rutabaga spring-shoes.)
Stacy: They're gaining on us!
(The beasts all follow the vehicles)
Stacy: And can't this thing go any faster!
Candace: I got the fennel pedal all the way to the rutabaga metal! And yes, I know it's a weird sentence.
(Buford and Baljeet yell as the beasts trample past them. Cut to Isabella on her shoes)
Isabella: Phineas! (She screams as she gets taken in by the beasts)
Phineas: Isabella!!!! Noooooooooo!!!!! (Too late as Phineas and Ferb become the last victims)
Stacy: Oh no! Phineas and Ferb!!
Mike: (from the chopper) Oh, those poor innocent kids. (covering his eyes) I can't watch. It's just-It's just—I'm gonna step outside where I can—WOOOOOOAHH! Did you see that?! I almost stepped out of the helicopter! Did you just see that?!
(Cut back to Candace and Stacy screaming as their vehicle crashes into a hydrant. Stacy's foot gets caught under the vehicle.)
Stacy: Save yourself, princess! RUN!!! RUN!!!! RUUUUUUUNNNNN!!!!
(Overhead shot of Danville as Candace runs from the beasts, the news chopper following them)

(Cut to the finish line in Badgertown where there is a big stage placed with lots of people gathered around it. Roger and Melanie are standing on the stage)
Melanie: The chinchillas should be here any minute, Mr. Mayor.
Roger: Well, I hope they don't ask me to eat any rutabagas like last year.
Melanie: I think we can avoid (gasps dramatically) WHAT IS THAT?!?!
(Cut to reveal Doofenshmirtz, still in Kinderlumper form, trodding down the road.)
Roger: I think I know this guy. There's nothing to be afraid of! It's only the Kinderlumper come to join our celebration! Ha-ha! Now it's a party!
Doofenshmirtz: I, uh, I believe the more appropriate response would be to flee in terror.
Roger: But, Kinderlumper, why would I ever run away from you?
Doofenshmirtz: Don't you remember the Kinderlumper song?
Roger: Remember? Of course I remember! Bubbe used to sing me the song every night.
The Kinderlumper's always going to love you
And bring you lots of presents while you sleep.
Doofenshmirtz: N-n-no, wait! Those are not the words!!!
Roger: Well, that's how she sang it to me. And I still have some of the gifts you brought me. (He takes out a box of almond brittle.) Look! Almond brittle!
Doofenshmirtz: NO!!! But—But you don't even like almond brittle!
Roger: I know. (puts the box back in his jacket) That's why I never ate it.
Doofenshmirtz: (sobbing) Nooo-ho-ho....
Roger: Funny. I never thought of the Kinderlumper as such a crybaby.
Doofenshmirtz: Oh no! The effects are wearing off! (Doofenshmirtz reverts back to his original self)<

(Cut to the Perry monster in the trap as he also returns to normal)


(Cut back to Candace still being chased by the chinchilla beasts screaming.)
Candace: Run for your lives!
(The crowd screams as they see the beasts, who suddenly shrink back down to their small size.)
(Cut to the finish line as Linda and Lawrence are waiting.)
Candace: They're coming! Chinchillas! It's too late for me! (dropping in front of her parents) Save yourselves!
(Cut to Candace on the ground as the chinchillas run on top of her. Candace laughs as they tickle her.)
Lawrence: Were you this dramatic when you were Rutabaga Princess?
Linda: Oh, yeah.
Candace: Stop it! (giggling) Seriously!
(Cut to Stacy, Isabella, Baljeet, Buford, Phineas and Ferb, all carrying chinchillas and running to the finish)
Phineas: Candace, that was so exciting! You're the best Rutabaga Princess yet!
Candace: Phineas! I thought you were stampeded!
Phineas: We were! It didn't hurt. They were big but they were still fluffy.
Ferb: It's like being run over by cotton candy. But less sticky.
Mike: That was amazing! I got it all on camera!
Candace: Wait, really? Did you get Phineas and Ferb and the rutabaga vehicles?
Mike: Eeyup. The whole thing!
Candace: Where's the camera?
Mike: (pointing offscreeen) Oh, it's right over there.

(Cut to the chopper, which is now infested with all the chinchillas. They somehow fly off with the camera still inside.)
Mike: NO!!! The biggest story of my career (sobbing) and it just flew away!
Candace: Welcome to my world, Mike. Welcome to my world.
Phineas: Oh, there you are, Perry. (picks him up) Get over here, you hairy little beast! (Perry chatters)

End credits

(Open on Drusselstein, we hear a young Doofenshmirtz having some fun. Cut to the interior of Doofenshmirtz's bedroom where he is bouncing up and down on the bed)
Mrs. Doofenshmirtz: (shadowed) Heinz Doofenshmirtz, if you don't go to sleep this instant, der Kinderlumper will come to get you and put you in his gundersack!
Young Doofenshmritz: Well, that's a bit harsh, doncha think?
(The door closes as Young Doofenshmirtz gets into bed. While he's sleeping, the Kinderlumper goes to the window, opens it, and sticks his head inside. He sniffs young Doofenshmirtz and smiles leeringly.)

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