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Doof 101/Transcript

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(Scene opens up on Danville High School)
Becky: Hey, Vanessa! How was your summer?
Vanessa: Oh, the basic. Pretty cool when I was at my mom's and okay when I was at my dad's. Did you know in July, he actually removed all the blue from all the paintings at the museum? All the blue!
Lacie: Omigosh, I totally saw that! Picasso's whole Blue Period is just beige now.
Vanessa: Yep. That was my dad.
(Johnny comes in.)
Johnny: Sigh.
Vanessa: Hi, Johnny.
Lacie: It looks like he didn't take your breaking up very well.
Johnny: (offscreen) Sigh.
Vanessa: It wasn't like we were going out that long, Johnny!
Johnny: Just take the dissection tray and use its wax foundation to cradle my broken heart, Vanessa!
Male Student 1: Let it go, bro.
Vanessa: And to think I wanted to come back to school for a sense of normalcy.
Principal Lang: Good morning, people. As you know, there have been some staff changes. If you'll sit down, I will introduce you to your new science teacher...
Doofenshmirtz: Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz!
Lacie: What?
(Dramatic sting and quick zoom to Vanessa's scared face.)
(Song: Doof 101)
Danny Jacob: He was the king of evil science
Until things went a little awry 
Laura Dickinson: Now he's turning over a brand new leaf
And he's not so bad a guy
Danny and Laura: Now he's got a second chance
And his new life's just begun
C'mon, it's gonna be fun
He's starting over at one

Doof 101!
(Doof, Doof, Doof 101)
(Doof, Doof, Doof...)
Doofenshmirtz:  Oh, we're gonna have a ball
All the things I'm gonna show you
And this all takes place in fall
So don't let the timeline throw you!
I'm starting over at one
Doofenshmirtz, Danny Jacob and Laura Dickinson: Doof 101!

Principal Lang: Dr. Doofenshmirtz is here on a trial basis.
Doofenshmirtz: Yeah, no, we already had the trial. The judge gave me a choice of doing hard time or community service. So, here I am, ready to impart upon these young, sponge-like minds all my vast knowledge of evil sci—I-I mean science. That's right. Regular old science. No evil at all. In fact, I've crossed out the word "Evil" whenever it appears in my old textbooks. So, this should be a piece of cake. (to Vanessa) Hi, sweetie-kins! (Vanessa slams her head on her desk.) Thank you, Principal Lang. I can take it from here.
Principal Lang: Just so you know, Heinz, I've got my eye on you. I miss nothing.
(He backs into door and ends up in the janitor's closet. He gets back up and walks backwards out the correct door.)
Doofenshmirtz: And nice to see you, too! (to the class) Y'know, we knew each other long ago, but that's a story for another time. I'm Dr. Doofenshmirtz. (writing on the blackboard) D-O-O-F-E...
Vanessa: Dad, come here. (she grabs him out of the classroom)
Doofenshmirtz: Uh... (pops back into the frame) ...enshmirtz!

(Cut to outside the classroom.)
Vanessa: Dad, what are you doing here?
Doofenshmirtz: Isn't this great? More father-daughter time!
Vanessa: No, not at my school! Really?
Johnny: So you're Vanessa's dad? I'm Johnny.
Doofenshmirtz: Didn't she dump you?
Vanessa: We were hardly going out!
Johnny: (whining) Yes, we were!
Doofenshmirtz: Ah, girls don't like guys who are whiny. You're whiny. I get it. I get it.
Becky: Mr. Doofenshmirtz, if you're Vanessa's dad, is she gonna get, like, special treatment? I've taken extra booster classes in science to ensure my early acceptance—
Vanessa: No! No special treatment, because this is not happening!
(Lacie comes into the scene.)
Lacie: (beat) What's goin' on?
Doofenshmirtz: Everybody, back in class.

(Cut to the Principal's office.)
Mrs. Pierpoint: Principal Lang, are you brooding again?
Principal Lang: Why does everyone always think I'm brooding? It's my brow, isn't it?
Mrs. Pierpoint: Well...
Principal Lang: Yes, I'm brooding! It's that Heinz Doofenshmirtz! We went to community college together.
Mrs. Pierpoint: Oh.
Principal Lang: He wound up marrying Charlene, the girl that I was in love with!
Mrs. Pierpoint: Aren't they divorced now?
Principal Lang: That's not the point!
Mrs. Pierpoint: Oh, I'm sorry.
Principal Lang: How could she have preferred him to me?
Mrs. Pierpoint: Well, maybe it's time to give up your grudge.
Principal Lang: Give up a grudge? Never! What do you think this brow is for?

(Cut back to the classrom)
Doofenshmirtz: Let's start with genetics, the building blocks of life. Your genes determine what you will be. A...A turtle or a bird or... For instance... (plucks a hair off of Johnny)
Johnny: Ow! Hey!
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, don't be a baby. You've got plenty. At least for the next ten years. Let's see genetics at work, shall we? (He puts the hair in a petrie dish, and puts the dish under a microscope.) Now, all of the information that makes this young man who and what he is is stored in these DNA strands in every cell of his body. The-The genetic code is very delicate. See, now, if we move this base pair over to here, he would have been a gorilla, or you know, maybe a lizard. Y'see, there's this whole world of things going on, too small for us to even notice.
(Pan down to reveal a small purple insect standing next to a yellow insect.)
Yellow insect: So, what are we doing here again, Napoleon?
Napoleon: (the purple insect) Well, Wendell, we're going to make contact with these magnificent giants!
Wendell: We will?
Napoleon: Yes, we will.
Wendell: Wait. Why will we?
Napoleon: To be the first ones to communicate with a alien race. Just think, Wendell, you and I and Floyd are going to go where no bug has gone be— Okay, where's Floyd? Floyd!
(A sickly green fly saunters up to the other two.)
Floyd: Sorry, sir. Ran into a spider web. Lost my wings.
Napoleon: They're behind you, Floyd.
(Floyd looks behind him.)
Floyd: I found 'em, sir.
Napoleon: So as I was saying—
Floyd: They were behind me.
Napoleon: Yes, we've established that. Continuing, we are going to make contact with the giants! But first, we must scale the Cliffs of Mahogany! (referring to the desk) This may take a few tries, but—
Wendell: Sir, let me throw it! I'm the muscle!
Napoleon: You're the muscle?
Wendell: Yes! You're the brains, I'm the muscle, and Floyd is...
Napoleon: Floyd is the ballast?
Wendell: Yes! Floyd is the ballast!
Floyd: Ooh, that sounds important.
Napoleon: Anyway, Wendell, if you're feeling muscular, be my guest.
Wendell: Stand back! (He swings the grappling hook, which is actually a string with a bent paper clip on it. The clip latches onto a beaker. The beaker tips off the desk and traps the bugs.)
Napoleon: Hmm. Well, we have a limited air supply. Floyd, stop breathing.

(Cut to the desk. Three books hit a balance, which flips up a petrie dish containing two electric needles on a string. One pin latches onto a frog and the other onto one potato on a potato powered clock. The frog becomes alive and kicks the petrie dish off the microscope. Doof watches as the dish hits Johnny's face.)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, that's unfortunate. (takes the dish off) Uh, hopefully, the DNA in the petrie dish won't combine with... (Johnny starts growing a lizard tail) Oh! Oh! No, see, it's... It's happening already.
Johnny: (looks behind him) Uh... (begins transforming and howls like a gorilla. His right arm becomes a gorilla arm.)
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, so everyone pay attention to this. This is what I was talking about. The DNA of a human is only a few base pairs from that of a monkey. (Johnny's left arm becomes a lizard's arm.) Or... or a reptile for that matter.
Johnny: (growls and runs away)
Doofenshmirtz: See? I told you. A whiner.

(Cut to the hallway. The deformed lizard-gorilla-teen is running down.)
Johnny: What is happening?!
(Close up on a security camera.)

(Cut to OWCA headquarters where Carl and Monogram are watching Johnny run.)
Carl: Uh, sir? I think you should take a look at this.
Major Monogram: Great googly moogly! I was afraid it might come to this.
(Cut to Perry sleeping in the backyard. His wristwatch beeps.)
Perry: (chatters tiredly)
Major Monogram: Agent P, pick up! (turns over sleepily and scratches his rear) Agent P, please pick up! (Perry finally picks up) Ah! So sorry, Agent P, I... I know that this is your time to enjoy some well-deserved rest, but something's gone wrong in Doof's class, and, well, the OWCA work-release program doesn't need this kind of scandal. Whadaya say, P?
(Perry puts on his fedora, goes into the tree and into his hovercar.)
Doo bee doo bee doo bah
Doo bee doo bee doo bah
Scary teenage monster

(Cut to Becky at the door.)
Becky: Guys, Johnny's running wild out there!
Doofenshmirtz: Aha!
Vanessa: Dad, what are you doing?
Doofenshmirtz: It's one of Johnny's hairs. It's loaded with his DNA. With this, I can mix up an antidote to...
(Dramatic sting. Cut to Agent P at the door.)
Gideon: (offscreen) He shapeshifted again!
Doofenshmirtz: No no no. This isn't Johnny. It's, uh... (whispering) Perry the Platypus, I'm glad you're here. Could you go find Johnny and bring him back to the classroom? He's got greasy hair and he's wearing a trench coat. Mmm, and he's also part-gorilla, part-lizard. You can't miss him. (out loud) Class, Mr. Platypus is the...occasional assistant teacher.
Male Student 2: Is that a real platypus?
Doofenshmirtz: No! It's a.... it's a man. It's a deformed, tiny...turquoise man. Vanessa, take some of your friends here, uh, uh, Ponytails, Spikey Head, Tweedle-Tie and go get Johnny.
Vanessa: Hi, "Mr. Platypus".
(They leave.)
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, and the rest of you, Muscles, Ropey Face, Slap-Happy, Buzzy-Pants, stay here and help me with the antidote.
Ropey-Face: Wait, why am I Ropey-Face?
Doofenshmirtz: Take my advice: Own it.

(Cut to Johnny still running down the halls. He goes into the gym.)
Vanessa: Johnny? Er, "Creature formerly known as Johnny"?
Johnny: (hiding under the bleachers) Go away!
Vanessa: Johnny, you've gotta come out! My dad can help you!
Johnny: You hate me!
Vanessa: I don't hate you. We can be friends.
Johnny: (sees Perry) Huh? Whoa! What is that thing?!
Vanessa: He's just a tiny turqouise m— AAAAH!! (Johnny carries Vanessa off like Fay Wray.)
Johnny: Vanessa!
Vanessa: Perry!!
(Perry shoots a net at Johnny and it latches onto his tail. Johnny escapes the premises with Vanessa in tow. The rest of the students follow Perry out.)

(Cut to the garbage can where the three insects are sitting.)
Napoleon: Expedition journal, entry three. We have bivouacked on a landing halfway up the cliffs.
Wendell: I don't remember bivouacking.
Floyd: I went before we left.
Napoleon: Oy. Bivouac. It's a makeshift camp. That—Look, it's not important. What I'm worried about is, what are we going to tell the giants about ourselves?
Wendell: Floyd throws up on his food.
Floyd: It's true. I do.
Napoleon: Let's not lead with that.
Floyd: I can also smell through my hair.
Napoleon: But what do we say to an alien species to make them understand our entire culture? Our very place in this vast cosmos?
(Zoom out. One of the students opens the garbage can to throw out something and the bugs fall off and end up on the ring of the rope on the Periodic Table screen.)
Napoleon: What is happening?!
(They fly off the ring and bump into the model of the solar system and end up splatting on the ground.)
Floyd: I think I just bivouacked again.

(Cut to Doof instructing Becky holding a dropper over a beaker carrying a liquid formula of some sort.)
Doofenshmirtz: Careful. Careful. Everything depends on getting the mixture precise. (Becky drops the liquid into the beaker. Doof stirs it with a straw and drinks it.) Mmm. Excellent. Now that's how you make a Shirley Temple. Hey, Muscles, how's the antidote coming?
Muscles: (wearing a hazmat suit and carrying a radioactive stick) Al...most... done. (drops it into the graduated cylinder and it explodes a bit. He pours it into the petri dish and Doof gets some of it with a needle.)
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, we're all set. Now, where's whiny reptile boy?
Vanessa: (offscreen) Somebody help me!
(Cut to Johnny carrying Vanessa up the clock tower.)
Doofenshmirtz: (offscreen) He has Vanessa! (to the rest of the class) Who's up for a field trip?

(Cut to outside Perry leads the class out.)
Johnny: Sanctuary!
Vanessa: Oh, you're such a drama queen. See, this... This is why we broke up!
(Cut to below. Perry takes off.)
Ropey-Face: Wait, where's he going?
(Doof makes his way through the crowd with the needle.)
Doofenshmirtz: Alright, now, how're we gonna... Nobody has a crossbow, do they?
Becky: I do! (beat) What? Why, is that weird?
(Doof takes the crossbow and Perry comes down in his hovercar.)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, great! Thanks! (climbs in) Hey, you got new cup holders.
Ropey-Face: Whoa! Mr. Platypus has a cool ride!
Doofenshmirtz: Hang on, sweetie! (to Perry) Well, I guess it's just like the old saying, "You turn a guy into a gorilla-lizard, and he carries your daughter up a bell tower." It never really made sense to me before, but now I guess I... (Johnny pushes a bell off and it lands on Perry with a long DONG!)

(Cut to Principal Lang feeding some fish and looking at his watch.)
Principal Lang: It is not one o'clock!

(Whip pan to John P. Tristate Elementary. We hear the standard opening guitar riff.)
Sally: Hey, guys! How's it coming? Recess is almost over!
(Cut to reveal Phineas and Ferb modifying their playground.)
Phineas: Almost done!
(People scream offscreen.)
Phineas: (pointing) Ferb, look!
Vanessa: Johnny, put me down!
Doofenshmirtz: Hey, would you just stand still?! I can't get a clear shot!
Phineas: Aw man! I can't wait 'til we get to high school! It looks like so much fun!

(Cut back to Perry's hovercar. Doof gets the bell off of Perry's head.)
Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus, hold still! I'll get it—
Vanessa: Dad, do something!
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, yes, yes! Hold on a second! (He attempts to fire the crossbow, but he and the bell topple off of the hovercar.)
Vanessa: Dad!!
(The bell lands in the ground and Doof lands in the bell. The bell leans over and the crossbow fires. Vanessa catches the needle and sticks it in Johnny's lizard arm. He starts to transform back, but drops Vanessa. Perry comes to her rescue. Johnny fully goes back to normal but falls off the tower. Vanessa jumps out of the hovercar and saves Johnny, and the net that is still attached to Johnny latches onto the hovercar. The students cheer from below. Perry drops them off and the students catch Johnny and Vanessa.)
Johnny: Vanessa, you saved my life!
Vanessa: Oh, please don't read anything into this.
Johnny: There's still hope!!!
Vanessa: What did I just say?!
Doofenshmirtz: Alright, everyone, back to class. Nothing to see here. Just a giant bell.
(Principal Lang comes out and sees the bell on the ground.)
Principal Lang: What in the bell?

(Cut to the insects now on the desk.)
Napoleon: We've done it! We've reached the summit! Unfurl the banner, boys, and follow me! This is it! My entire existence has been leading to this moment, so that I can say... "Weclom Ginats!" (realizes what the banner says) Wait, what? "Weclom Ginats?!"
Wendell: What does that mean?
Napoleon: Exactly my point. What does our "Welcome Giants" banner actually say?
Wendell: Oh, yeah, sorry, we spelled it phonetically.
Napoleon: NO YOU DIDN'T!!!! Phonetically, it spells, "Weclom Ginats!" Come on, guys! This is our only chance to make a good first imp—
(Doof's Evil Science book squishes the bugs. Zoom out to the class.)
Doofenshmirtz: And that, class, is DNA in action.
Principal Lang: (bursting through the door) Aha!
(The school bell rings.)
Doofenshmirtz: That's it for today. Class dismissed.
(The students walk out chattering.)
Doofenshmirtz: Bye-bye, now.
Vanessa: (walking up to her father) Dad? (sighs) So, you're my teacher now.
Doofenshmirtz: I'm your teacher now.
Vanessa: But, we're not gonna do...all of..."this"...every day, right?
Doofenshmirtz: I'll try. But you know, (to the tune of the Theme song) there's 261 days 'til next summer vacation , and, you know, a lot can happen. Just saying.
(Zoom in on the Evil Science book. Napoleon comes out from under it.)
Napoleon: Ugh. I do believe I've fractured my exoskeleton.
Wendell: And I bivouacked!

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