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Doof Dynasty/Transcript

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(Scene opens up showing China in 1542. The camera pans down to the dragon parade.)
Buford: Aw nuts, I'm standing on Baljeet's shoulders and I still can't see anything!
(Camera zooms out)
Baljeet: This is not how it works!
Phineas: Relax everyone. Ferb and I have devised a solution. Hop on.
(Buford and Baljeet hop onto the plank, which then rises)
Candace: Phineas and Ferb! With technology that's slightly more advanced than what we have today. Mom!
Baljeet: You are doing it again!
Buford: It helps my arches!
Phineas: Look guys! It's Regent Monogram, and that girl must be... Princess Isabella!

Princess Isabella: Regent Monogram? When can I meet some of the local children?
Regent Monogram: Princess, I'm afraid it's just not safe for you out in the wide world what with Doofus Khan on the loose.
Princess Isabella: Doofus Khan! He has been a plague on our land for far too long!
Regent Monogram: I promise once his forces have been defeated we'll throw you the biggest party money can buy. Of course it won't cost you anything because you're a hereditary monarch.

Candace: Mom, wait till you see what Phineas and Ferb have done now! Look!
Lawrence: Look, acrobats!
Linda: Acrobats? I love acrobats.
Candace: No, Mom, over-
Lawrence: Oh no, Doofus Khan's warriors!
(The acrobats attack and the crowd flees)
Buford: He's going after the royal... thingy!
Baljeet: It is called a jou.

(A warrior snatches Princess Isabella while she screams in fear)
Regent Monogram: See this is exactly what I was... The Princess!!

Phineas: Buford, get us down there! Quick!
(Buford lowers the plank)

Regent Monogram: The Princess! The Princess! Doofus Khan why that impertinent-- (Gets hit by a taunting scroll) A taunting scroll? How uncouth!
General Carl: Should I order the final attack, sir?
Regent Monogram: No, no, General Carl. A full-scale attack now would put the Princess at risk. Oh, if only Master Perry had not given up the way of the warrior and gone to live a contemplative life on the Unclimbable Mountain of Unclimbableness, he could retrieve the Princess. Oh, if only someone could reach him and tell him of our plight!

Phineas: Guys, I know what we're gonna do today!


Doofus Khan's multi-level yurt!
Princess Isabella: Doofus Khan, (budges free from the grip of two warriors) Regent Monogram will have your head!
Doofus Khan: Regent Monogram will never attack as long as I have his Princess. Which should buy me all the time I need to complete my secret weapon and take over the Tri-Province area! Meanwhile, I'm putting you in the penthouse dungeon. You'll love the view. Of course I've planted booby traps all along the way and I alone know how to avoid them. (He gets hit by a giant shoe) Heh. Must have forgot that one. (A step opens up and he notices a hammer) Oops! (The hammer shoots a laser at him) Oh, that's right. (The step opens again) You're supposed to skip this step. (He screams as he falls into a step. He gets burnt, and gets chomped on by piranhas) Everything's under control, but-- (The step opens once again and gets hit by a boxing glove) Testing the system-- (Various booby traps are activated as the camera pans to the top of the stairs) Hey, hey, it works. (Gets caught by a bear trap) Anyway, here you are. (Takes out a set of keys and tries the keys to open the door) You'll have a nice rack to sleep on and some rats to keep you company. (Opens the door) So while your here, enjoy your stay. Ta-ta Princess! (Slaps the door) I'll see you-- (Stairs turn into a chute)


Phineas: There it is, The Unclimbable Mountain of Unclimbableness.
Buford: Ya know what I hate about The Unclimbable Mountain of Unclimbableness? Just to get there you have to cross the Uncrossable River of Uncrossableness.
Baljeet: Who named all these things?
Buford: That guy over there, The Redundant Scribe of Redundantness.
The Redundant Scribe of Redundantness: Hi there! Greetings!
Phineas: Okay. (The Redundant Scribe of Redundantness continues talking in the background) Ferb do we have anything for uncrossable rivers? (Ferb pulls out a grappling hook that looks like a crossbow)
Candace: What are they up to now?
(Ferb shoots the grappling hook across the river and attaches a carriage)
Buford: Oh, that'll do. (He and Baljeet get on the carriage)
Candace: (Growls)
Baljeet: Look, a Chinese eviscerating fish. Though I suppose here in China we just call them eviscerating fish.
(Candace starts swinging across the rope)
Candace: (Mocking Baljeet) Oh but here we just call them eviscerating-- (Candace screams and falls into the river)
Buford: So how do we get up The Unclimbable Mountain of Unclimbableness?
Phineas: No worries, Buford. (Baljeet takes his hiking stick and leafs through his backpack) I think we have just the thing. (Pulls out a block of wood)
Candace: (While wringing her hair) Oh come on!
(They are climbing up on a jou with gigantic mechanical feet, emerging from red clouds)
Candace: (While climbing up the side of the mountain) Stupid Mountain of Stupidness!
(Redundant Scribe of Redundantness pops out of mountain)
Redundant Scribe of Redundantness: Actually, that was my original name for it! (Candace falls off the mountain into red clouds) Oops, my bad, sorry, my apologizes, mea culpa!
(Master Perry is seen flying a kite)
Phineas: Master Perry, (He and Ferb get out. Master Perry puts down the kite) This is a great honor. (He and Ferb bow)
Buford: Wow. I can't believe he's a platypus.
Baljeet: Phineas pulled a jou with giant mechanical feet out of his backpack and that is what bugs you?
Phineas: Master Perry! Doofus Khan has kidnapped the Princess and only you can save her!
(Master Perry chatters in disagreement)
Phineas: You mean you won't? But why, Master Perry? What made you give up the life of a warrior hero?
(Master Perry begins to ripple)
Phineas: What's he doing?
Ferb: That's a ripple dissolve. He must be having a flashback.
Phineas: Does he know we can't see it? Should we give him some privacy? I don't know the protocol for flashbacks.
(Perry stops rippling)
Phineas: Is he back? He's back. Well judging by the time you spent staring off into space I'm guessing something pretty bad. But someone has to rescue the Princess, if you won't come with us at least you can train us to do it ourselves.

(Song: The Way of the Platypus)
Background singer: Oh yeah!

In other circumstances you might fail
'Cause I know you don't have a beaver tail
You're not a platypus
But I'm gonna see you sweat...
All: Milk!

Background singer: We're gonna see how much you can take
I'm gonna work you through your union break
You squeeze a silkworm, what'cha think you're gonna get?
All: Silk!

Background singer: But I know a way we can make you a warrior
Even though now you're a wuss
It's the Way of the Platypus!

But that's just the general information. Here's some of the specific things you can look forward to in your workout...

You're gonna run up a ramp with two buckets of water
Swing over muck for some reason
At some point you'll drop to your knees when it's rainin'
And look up into the skyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...

You'll stand on a pole with your arms out
Hey, these flowers are way out of season
You'll fly to a swamp planet, meet a little green man
And move big heavy things with your miiiiiiiiiiiiiind...

But I know a way we can make you a warrior
Even though now you're a wuss
It's the Way of the Platypus!

It's the Way of the Platypus!

Phineas: Are you sure you won't come with us, Master Perry? The kingdom really needs you back.
(Perry starts rippling again)
Buford: He's doing it again.
Buford, Phineas, and Baljeet: Goodbye, Perry.
(Master Perry continues flying his kite. Candace reaches Perry)
Candace: (Panting) Where are they?
(Perry starts rippling)
Candace: You know I can't see anything right?
(Shows Phineas and the others in a jou on a pogo stick)
Phineas: Follow my lead when we get there; we're going right in the front door.

(They crash into Doofus Khan's headquarters)
Buford: I knew we shouldn't have let Baljeet drive.
Phineas: Never mind that, you two stay here and fend off the guards Ferb and I will rescue the princess.
Buford: We got it covered, just watch out for booby traps.
(Various booby traps activate and Phineas and Ferb get to the top of the staircase unscathed)
Phineas: We made it and completely unscathed. Good thing we brought along that yak bladder. Princess Isabella, we've come to rescue you stand away from the...
(Isabella flings the door open and hugs Phineas)
Princess Isabella: My hero!
Phineas: Don't worry Princess, we'll take the banister down. It's safer.
(Phineas, Ferb and Princess Isabella slide down the banister to find Baljeet and Buford surrounded by knocked out guards)
Phineas: Holy mackerel! how did you guys defeat all these soldiers?
Random soldier: We're okay.
Buford: There was nothing to it.
(Buford starts rippling)
Phineas: There's no time for flashbacks! We have to go!
Buford: What flashback? (They all run off) I'm just rippling! It relaxes me.
(Camera pans to Doofus Khan watching them escape)
Doofus Khan: Well would you look at that a bunch of kids running away with the Princess-- R-Running away with the Princess?!?! (Slides down a fireman pole) Oh Time to take matters into my own hands.
(Doofus Khan jumps into a giant robotic dragon, which flies toward the castle, turns it on and flies off, laughing maniacally)

Buford: What the heck is that?
Princess Isabella: It must be Doofus Khan's secret weapon. It's heading for the castle! What do we do?
Phineas: I've got an idea!

(Dragon flies over Regent Monogram and General Carl's heads)
Regent Monogram: Great googly moogly!
Doofus Khan: (Laughs) Amazing what you can do with a little bamboo and rice paper huh?
Regent Monogram: Doofus Khan! What have you done with Princess Isabella?
Doofus Khan: That's none of your business, but there's no way she escaped forcing me to move up my plans I can tell you that!
Regent Monogram: You barbarian!
Doofus Khan: I know I am but what are you. Nyaa! (Dragon sticks out tongue) Hehe. You like that? The tongue set me back a week but it was totally worth it.
Regent Monogram: Carl, duck!
General Carl: No, actually sir I think it's a dra.. (Carl gets slapped by the dragon's tail) Oh, that kind of duck.
(Doofus Khan starts using his robot to burn the castle)
Doofus Khan:(Laughs) Hyvertical remodeling!
General Carl: We can't take much more of this! What do we do?
Doofus Khan: Surrender! Oh what now? (A giant terracotta warrior starts marching towards them) A giant terracotta warrior? Roughly the same size as my dragon?

(Shows Phineas and the others inside the terracotta warrior)
Phineas: Left leg! Right Leg!

Doofus Khan: What could he possibly want? (Terracotta warrior goes to "crane" position) Oh he's doing that crane thing. (Terracotta warrior kicks the dragon in the face) You know, 4 centuries from now that move is gonna be real cliché. (Dragon breathes fire on the terracotta warrior) Of course, being terracotta you would be fire-proof. Okay, mono to mono (The robots fight) Ow that's not your mono!
Regent Monogram: Man, they would love this in Japan!

Candace: What the? Phineas and Ferb! Mom!

(Terracotta warrior slaps dragon repeatedly)
Doofus Khan: Agh, slapies! I hate slapies! (Terracotta warrior pushes the dragon away, then the dragon tail taps on the warriors soldier and when the soldier turns around, the dragon takes a wind up key out of the warrior's back)
Doofus Khan: (Laughs) Gotcha!
(Terracotta warrior deactivates)
Baljeet: He has the key to our defeat!
Buford: You make puns when the other guy is down, dumbbell!
Doofus Khan: Aww, poor babies feeling tired, huh? Allow me to put you to sleep! (Dragon picks up a building)
Princess Isabella: (Everyone gasps) Ew, who puts armpit hair on a mechanical dragon?
Doofus Khan: Next time, don't put your wind up key in such an obvious place. I cleverly hid mine in a spot only an ancient warrior would dare to go. (It shows Perry coming down from the sky) No, Perry the Platypus! (Perry hits the dragon's nose) Hey, careful with the soft palette there! (Perry jumps into the dragon's mouth and rolls up the tongue revealing a wind up key. He chatters)
Phineas: Ferb, the key! (Ferb shoots a grappling hook grabbing the key out of the dragon's mouth. Causing the dragon to deactivate and drop the building on itself) Uh-Oh! Eject everybody! (Phineas and the others jump out of the warrior as it and the dragon fall, over falling apart, just as Candace brings Linda over)

Candace: (With her eyes closed) Ee-ee-ee-ee...Look!
Linda: A giant mechanical terracotta warrior? Really, Candace? (she walks away) Wouldn't that be slightly more advanced that what we have today?
Candace: Well, that would've been the point!

(Regent Monogram and Princess Isabella run to each other, embracing)
Princess Isabella: Regent Monogram!
Regent Monogram: Princess!
Princess Isabella: Party now?
Regent Monogram: You betcha!
Princess Isabella: Great!
Doofus Khan: Ah, well, back to the drawing board. (General Carl puts him in a Chinese finger trap)
General Carl: Compliments of Regent Monogram.
Doofus Khan: Oh, I hate these things! (A taunting scroll hits him) Insult to injury.
Regent Monogram: Well all's well that ends well. Maybe someday we will find a way to keep our fair lands safe from barbarian invaders.
Princess Isabella: You know, I think these blocks would make a great wall.
Phineas: Ferb, I know what were going to do tomorrow!

(Many, many years later, at the Great Wall of China...)
Elderly Phineas: Well, that took longer than expected.
Elderly Ferb: But, it is a great wall.
Elderly Phineas: Yeah. So, what you wanna do tomorrow? (Ferb glares at him and then leaves) What? I kid. We can rest, how about a game of mahjong?

End Credits roll

(Song: The Way of the Platypus)
These flowers are way out of season
You'll fly to a swamp planet, meet a little green man
And move big heavy things with your miiiiiiiiiiiiiind...

But I know a way we can make you a warrior
Even though now you're a wuss
It's the way of the platypus!

It's the way of the platypus!

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