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Ferb TV/Transcript

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(Scene opens up appearing Phineas and Ferb)
Phineas: Okay, give it a chance. We want your honest opinion.
Ferb: We know it's a little weird.

(Screen screeches up and goes to Channel 2 and viewed from a girl at the beach)
Girl 1: Help, help! Is there a doctor in the house?
Baljeet: I am a doctor. (Baljeet rips his clothes off, revealing a doctor's scrubs) And yes, I am single. What seems to be the problem here?
Girl 1: I think I sprained my ankle.
Baljeet: And you want me to take a look at it?
Girl 1: No, I want your brain.
Girl 2: Brains!
(everyone at the beach shapeshifts, revealing them to be aliens)
Everyone from the beach: Brains!
Girl 1: Brain.
Baljeet: Shape-shifting alien zombies, fair enough, but I must tell you that I am kind of using my brain right now.
(Baljeet grabs one of the aliens and throws it at the other aliens then rips off his clothes again, revealing a black gi. He dons a mask.)
Baljeet: Oh yeah, and I'm also a ninja, see.
(Baljeet shows his moves in front of the audience, after defeating the aliens, birds fly away, Baljeet jumps up into the air and the title appears)
Narrator: Dr. Ninja Baljeet! ("In Color" title just appears) In color!

(Screen switches to Channel 3, showing the title of the show)
Narrator: Welcome to the Klimpaloon and Giant Floating Baby Head Hour! Starring that magical old timey bathing suit that lives in the Himalayas, Klimpaloon! And the inexplicable Giant Floating Baby Head. With tonight's guests, Dave and Jim and the Tri-State Whimsy Jugglers, Dexter Thompson and his chocolate harmonica, the musical stylings of Bicentennial Crab, and featuring six of the original eight Kimpaloon and the giant floating baby head dancers. And now, here are your hosts, the Magical Old-timey bathing suit that lives in the Himalayas, Klimpaloon and the inexplicable Giant Floating Baby Head. (Klimpaloon and the baby head are seen dancing)

(Screen switches to Channel 4, where Suzy is having a tea party with her dolls)

(Song: "That's the Norm")

He's robot from space, she's a little girl
They come from totally different worlds
If you think they're worlds apart, you're misinformed
Though it might seem unusual...

That's the Norm (That's the Norm)
That's the Norm (That's the Norm)
That's the Norm (That's the Norm)
That's the Norm!
Norm: That's me!

(The Johnson house is in view)
Suzy: Norm, if you're going to live here, you can't just wander into Jeremy's room like this! What if he found out about you? Then, he'd make you return to outer space!
Norm: Space is cold and unforgiving, like my father!
(Jeremy knocks on the door)
Suzy: Oh, no! It's Jeremy! Quick, hide!
(a box that says "Your Cooking STINKS and so do YOU! Fridays at 7:00pm" appears onscreen)
Jeremy: Suzy? Is that you? What are you doing in my room?
Suzy: (opens door to Jeremy) I was just making you a surprise.
Jeremy: A surprise? What is it?
Suzy: Well, I was just making you your own entrance.
(She opens the door further to reveal a Norm-shaped hole in the wall)
Jeremy: Holy guacamole! You sure are a handful. (pats Suzy's head)
(Suzy winks at the audience)

(Screen switches to Channel 5, where Buford is shown)
Narrator: Buford Van Stomm, world renowned chef, winner of the Palme de Mouton, runner-up of the Tri-State chili cook-off, and master purveyor of cuisine to the crowned heads of--
Buford: Hey, get that camera out of my face!
Narrator: He's also kinda mean.
Buford: You bet your boots.
Narrator: Today on Your Cooking STINKS and so do YOU!, Van Stomm will be critiquing the culinary stylings of master chef André Guilbaud, creator of the legendary Crepes Guilbaud and his world renowned olive free, olive loaf flavored olive.

(Switches to Channel 6)
Narrator: Coming your way this fall, Katt Karr. The inexplicable story of a man whose car, for some reason looks a lot like a cat. Roger Doofenshmirtz, a politician of above-average attractiveness. On a never-ending crusade against the sinister, evil, cheesy smelling, and for some reason, dressed like a mouse, Professor Nibbles. Katt Karr, it's driving away from us.

(Screeches to Channel 7)
(Song: "Ducky Momo Theme Song")

Ducky Mo, Ducky Momo
He's your very best friend!

Narrator: Poor Ducky Momo. Are you lost?
Ducky Momo: (quacks)
Man: Yes, you are. Ducky Momo needs to get to the other side of the Dumbledown River. Can you help him find the Butter-Berry Bridge?
Kids: (Off screen) Behind you Ducky Momo! It's behind you! Yeah, right there! Right there, Ducky Momo! It's right there! It's right there! Behind you! Right there behind you! Behind you, and to the left. Your other left! Right ther- Behind you! Behind you! No the other way. Oh for Pete's sake!

(Switches back to Channel 2)
Girl 3: Uh-oh, Dr. Baljeet! Who are they?
Baljeet: Just some old friends. In post-apocalyptic battle gear. Okay, maybe "friends" is stretching it a bit.
Girl 3: Jeepers!
(A boat is seen passing through a drawbridge)
Baljeet: GI hope you have got your carry on stowed, because we are ready for take-off.
(He skillfully jumps over the bridge with his motorcycle, flying into the sky. The band of truckers attempt to duplicate Baljeet's actions, but only get to the other side of the bridge.)
Trucker 1: Dude, you are so lucky.
Trucker 2: Yeah, I know. I gotta slow down.
Girl 3: (Now dangling by Baljeet's hand, who is dangling on a piece of railing from a helicopter) Whoa, that was close!
Baljeet: As long as we are up here, how about we fly to a little island I know?
Girl 3: Oh, Dr. Baljeet.
Baljeet: Ninja.
Girl 3: What?
Baljeet: It is Dr. Ninja Baljeet. You left off the "ninja" part.
Girl 3: Really?
Baljeet: I did not go through six years of ninja school just to be called Dr. Baljeet. It is Dr. Ninja Baljeet, okay?

(Screeches back to Channel 3, where two men are talking to each other while the other two are juggling)
Man 1: You know, the guys on these sports team have some pretty funny names these days.
(A box that says "That's the NORM Fridays at 8:30pm" appears onscreen)
Man 2: Yeah, like those hockey players.
Man 1: No, no, those are just Canadian names.
(Awkward silence)
Man 2: How about these jugglers, folks?

(Switches back to Channel 4, this time in Suzy's room)
Suzy: (As she puts makeup on Norm) You're much more fun than my other dolls.
Norm: I'm honored!
Suzy: Yes. What do you think? (shows Norm a mirror)
Norm: Self-interest dictates a tactful reply.
Jeremy: (Knocks on Suzy's door) Suzy? Are you there?
Suzy: Yeah, just a sec! (To Norm) Quick, hide! (goes to open the door, shushes Norm, opens door)
Jeremy: (walks into room) Hey, sis. I can't find my lucky baseball bat. I've looked everywhere. Have you seen it?
Suzy: Uh... (She sees Norm, who is wearing a lampshade on his head and moves over so that Jeremy does not see him) Nope. Nothing in here that would be of any interest to you.
Jeremy: Suzy, you're acting kinda weird. You're not hiding anything, are you?
Suzy: No. (the siblings stare at each other) Get out of my room!
Jeremy: Holy guacamole! You sure are a handful. (He leaves)
Norm: (removes lampshade) Look at me! I'm the life of the party!
Suzy: My lamp needs a brighter bulb.
That's the Norm!

(Switches back to Channel 3, where one of the speakers is knocked out, due to being hit with one of the bowling pins the Whimsy Jugglers were juggling)

(Switches back to Channel 5)
Guilbaud: Of course I'm a-prepared. I can de-bone herring in thirty-eight seconds, and I can make five minute frosting in four minutes! (chuckles) Look out, Van Stomm. Chef Guilbaud is coming for you!
Buford: Who puts tofu on lasagna?!
Guilbaud: I was just trying to be avantguard, Che--
Buford: Yeah, people need to be "ava-guarded" from your food! (kicks plate)
Guilbaud: Clearly, I have much to learn. (sobbing)

(Switches back to Channel 6)
Roger: I don't know, Katt Karr. We've been all over Metroburg, and still no sign of the sinister Professor Nibbles. Got any ideas?
(Katt Karr meows)
Roger: Saucer of milk? Okay, I don't see how that's gonna help, but you're the car.
(Katt Karr meows again)

(Switches back to Channel 4, where Suzy is at a lumpy table outside of the Johnson house)
Jeremy: Hey, Suzy. What are you doing out here, and what's with the lumpy table?
Suzy: Oh, uh, it's my lemonade stand.
Jeremy: Lemonade stand? Where's the lemonade?
Suzy: I... drink-ded it.
Jeremy: Holy guacamole! You sure are a handful. (He leaves)
Norm: I made more lemonade!
Suzy: About time! We just lost a customer! Now help me fix this lumpy table!

(Switches back to Channel 5)
Buford: Look, some people tend to think I'm a bit harsh with these guys. But here's how I see it. DISGUSTING! UTTER GARBAGE! RAW SEWAGE ON A PLATE! It's really all about nurturing the talent.
(Guilbaud reaches for his olive free, olive loaf flavored olive, but Buford smashes it under a spatula)

(Switches back to Channel 6)
Roger: We've almost caught up with Professor Nibbles, Katt Karr.
(Professor Nibbles throws a ball of yarn. Katt Karr meows and then follows it.)
Roger: Bad Katt Karr! Bad Katt Karr! No, No!

(Switches back to Channel 3, where Dexter Thompson plays a chocolate harmonica and takes a bite of it)

(Switches back to Channel 7)
Man: Poor Ducky Momo. Still can't find the bridge? Can you help him find the bridge?
Ducky Momo: (quacks)
Kids: Behind you! It's behind you! Oh, for crying out loud, Just turn around! Rotate your body! No, not that way! Where are you going?! The bridge is right here by us! We can see it from here!

(Switches back to Channel 2)
Boy: Boy, I'm hungry.
Girl: Me too.
(Meap appears)
Both: Hey! It's Meap!
Girl: Meap, did you bring something fun to eat?
Meap: Meap! Meap!
Children: Yay, Meap's Carbonated Goulash!
Advertiser: That's right, kids! It's new deliciously carbonated Meap goulash, the goulash with foam! Featuring quasar pork-rolls, blackhole ham hunks, death ray beef segments, spaceship tofu, and Blue Chimpanzee DNA replicate helix marshmallow!
Children: Thanks, Meap!
Girl: Meap, your goulash is--
Meap: Meap!
Girl: You took the words right out of my mouth!
Children: (laughing; foam comes out) It's the goulash with foam!
Advertiser: New Meap Carbonated Goulash, includes everything you see here, except the bowl. Batteries not included.
(text: It's got that BANG!)
Meap: Meap!

(Switches back to Channel 5)
Narrator: We earn more patches before 9:00 AM, than most can in a lifetime. We dedicate our lives to be part of something greater than ourselves.
(Katie beats a buff naval officer in an arm wrestling duel)
Woman: You okay there, big guy?
Man: No!
Narrator: With each patch earned, a new skill beyond the ordinary. We are the few, the relentless, The Fireside Girls.
Isabella: We also have sleepovers!
Narrator: Earn credits for middle school, so talk to your local Fireside recruiter today

(Switches to Channel 12)
Man: Tonight, Vance Ward's exciting escape attempt, while Bob and Junebug are sidelined after Bob tries to maul celebrity judge Sherman from the 80's band, Love Händel. Tonight on Dancing with the Bears.

(Switches back to Channel 2)
Baljeet: There is nothing to worry about way out here!
(A yacht explodes behind them)

(Switches to Channel 3 once more, where the baby head and Klimpaloon are dancing to the music of Bicentennial Crab)

(Switches to Channel 4 once more, as Jeremy and Suzy stare into the night sky)
Jeremy: Well, I guess he's really gone, Suzy. You've got to admit, he was a lot of trouble. But deep down, I'm gonna miss that big guy. Come on, let's go inside.
Suzy: I'll be in in a minute.
Jeremy: Okay. (He leaves)
Suzy: Okay he's gone, you can come out now!
Norm: That's great, because I've got fireworks!
Suzy: Holy guacamole! You sure are a handful. (She winks and Norm does the same)
That's the Norm!

(Switches to Channel 5 once more)
Guilbaud: It wasn't to what Chef Van Stomm was saying. It was how he was saying it. So, I decided to take his teachings to heart.
(pans to Buford to reveal that he has a pot of spaghetti upended on his head)
Buford: And I couldn't be prouder!

(Switches to Channel 13)
Reporter: Huge meteor to impact the Earth at 9 o'clock tonight. Also, who's this little fella, and why is he in a bookcase? We'll have this story at ten.

(Switches to Channel 6 once more)
Roger: Well, Nibbles, it looks like you're caught like a rat in a trap. And you'll have plenty of time to gnaw on that in the state prison. And you'll be a rat in a, you'll, well... You know what? I'm out of rat metaphors. Anyway, thanks for all your help, Katt Karr.
(Katt Karr spits out a hairball)
Roger: Oh, let's pretend like didn't see that.

(Switches to Channel 7 once more)
Kids: What is he looking at?! That's not a bridge! What is that? That's a candy wrapper, not a bridge! Oh great! Look at this! Now, where's he going?! Get back here! Where did he go? Where did he go? How has he survives this long?

(Switches to Channel 2 once more)
Baljeet: So, it turned out that the invasion was all just a big misunderstanding.
Girl 4: So, does that mean we're safe now?
Baljeet: That all depends. Do you want more carbonated goulash?
(they both laugh, foam comes out, both cough)
Girl 4: I don't get it.

(Ferb turns the TV off)
Phineas: So! What do you think of Ferb TV?
Candace: (pause, stands up) I'm telling Mom. (She leaves to do so)
Phineas: I think she liked it.
(a ray, possibly from Doofenshmirtz, hits the cable box, causing it to disappear)
Candace: (Enters with Linda) Right here Mom, right on top of our -- (There's nothing there) taaaaa...
Linda: Again, what am I looking at?
(Candace facepalms)
Phineas: Oh, there you are, Perry! Holy guacamole! You sure are a handful!
(Theme to "That's The Norm" plays and an audience cheers)

End credits

Advertiser: Meap Carbonated Goulash pieces are closer than they appear. Meap Carbonated Goulash may be subject to license title tax, and destination charges. Please wash hands thoroughly after contact with Meap Carbonated Goulash, if hunger persists after contact with Meap Carbonated Goulash, consult your--
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, I'm sorry, is this Studio A?
Advertiser: No, this is Studio—Hey, wait a second. You just wanted to get into this episode, didn't you?
Doofenshmirtz: What?! No...! No!
Advertiser: Yes, you did!
Doofenshmirtz: Yes, I did.
Advertiser: Get out!
Doofenshmirtz: Alright. But I can totally read that faster than you.
Advertiser: Out!
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, okay, grumpy.
Advertiser: Batteries not included.
Doofenshmirtz: Batteries not included!
Advertiser: OUT!

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