Heinz Doofenshmirtz: You see Valentine's is torture, and my birthday is a mess, New Year's is a lot of noise, and Arbor Day's a pest! Halloween's a horror but I guess I must confess That I really don't hate Christmas!

You see Flag Day is infernal, April Fool's is just a bore, Mardi Gras a waste, unless you own a candy store, All these other holidays I can admit that I abhor, But I really don't hate Christmas.

Now, it isn't that I like it, at the most I feel ambivalence, But should I really just destroy it? I'll admit that I'm still on the fence, It makes me tense!

From the evil scientists' community I'm sure to get ejected, But for Christmas I can't seem to summon any true invective, Because what is there to hate? I mean, it's really so subjective. No, I really don't hate Christmas.

I hate puppy dogs and kittens, I hate flowers in the spring, Heck, I even hate the sunshine and the birdies when they sing, I can work up animosity for almost anything. Tell me why I don't hate Christmas.

Though my childhood was atrocious, Christmas never was that bad, you see, So the most that I can muster is complete and total apathy. What's wrong with me?

How can I prove that I'm an evil villain worth his salt When with a holiday so jolly I can't even find a fault? If I didn't feel ambiguous I'd launch a big assault. But I really don't hate Christmas.

Oh, what the heck. Kickline!

No, I really... No, I really don't hate Christmas!