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Fireside Girl Jamboree/Transcript

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(Scene opens on early in the morning at the Flynn-Fletcher house.)
Stanky Dog: (on radio) Good morning, Danville! Excitement's in the air today as we await the announcement of the Paisley Sideburn Brothers' first concert visit to the Tri-State Area! Phone lines are clogged and web sites are crashing as local music fans try to get first crack at the hottest concert tickets of the decade!
(Cut to Candace's room. Pan across to reveal her sleepily typing on the computer.)
Candace: Must...get...tickets...
(Cut to shot of the computer. Candace is typing www on the address bar, but her finger stays on the "w" key. Cut to reveal her face lying on the keyboard.)
Candace: Zzzzzzzzzzzz... (She takes her head out of the keyboard to reveal many keys in her face. They pop out to the music of "Shave and a haircut, two bits". She spits two keys out of her mouth.) Oh, still not on sale! (A crash is heard) What the?!

(Cut to outside the house. Candace opens the window and sticks her head out.)
Candace: Hey, isn't it a bit early to start building another crazy contraption?
(Cut to reveal Phineas and Ferb in the backyard with some pieces of their latest big idea in their hands.)
Phineas: What, this? We're still cleaning up from yesterday. It's funny, the cleanup usually takes care of itself, but we've been working all night on this one. (A recycling truck comes to take the dumpster.) That's the last of it, guys! Thanks! (to Candace) It was our biggest project ever! How could you miss it?
Candace: I was kind of busy. (Her phone rings. She zips inside and picks up.) Stacy, what's up?
Stacy: (on phone) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! My ticket is in row R!!!! Close enough to smell them!!!!! What did you get?!!?
Candace: Ticket? How'd you get a ticket?
(Stanky Dog appears on the TV.)
Stanky Dog: That's right, folks! Unless you've had your head stickin' out of a window, you know those tickets just went on sale and sold out in 13 seconds flat!
Candace: Sold out?
Stanky Dog: That's right! Sold out! But you still might be able to catch this special added benefit concert tonight at the Fireside Girls Jamboree!
(Candace zips back to the computer and starts typing.)
Candace: Okay, I still got a chance! What the heck? "FIRESIDE GIRLS ONLY! PLEASE ENTER YOUR PATCH #"? (types frantically) Gotta guess the right numbers. Gotta guess the right numbers. "YOU HAVE EXCEEDED YOUR LOG-IN ATTEMPTS"? No, you've exceeded your log-in attempts!! PHINEAS!!!!!
(The door opens revealing Phineas and Ferb, who is carrying Perry.)
Phineas: Yes, Candace?
Candace: Your little friend, Isabella, she's a Fireside Girl, right?! What's her patch number?!
Phineas: I'm not sure. But I can ask her when she gets back from her meeting at the Fireside Girl lodge.
Candace: Lodge, huh? C'mon, you're takin' me down there. Now!
(She grabs Phineas and exits at breakneck speed. Ferb looks down to realize something.)
Ferb: Hey, where's Perry?

(Cut to reveal Agent P flipping a floorboard and going down. He ends up in the basement instead. He walks up the stairs and searches for the floorboard that works. He flips it and drops into his lair.)
Major Monogram: Morning, Agent P. We're not sure what Doofenshmirtz is up to, but we're sending you to his lab. (Puts on a pair of safety goggles) And we're using this new transporter device we've been working on. It's not approved for testing on humans yet, so you get to try it out first. (Perry gets a worried look on his face.) Good luck, Agent P. Carl, fire it up!
(The device rises from the floor near Perry's seat and zaps him away.)

(Song: Fireside Girls Anthem (instrumental))
(Wipe to the Fireside Girls Lodge.)
Isabella: (offscreen) Yes, it's true that the Paisley Sideburn Brothers tickets (cut to inside the lodge) can only be ordered by an active-duty Fireside Girl. But if you just want to—
Candace: Tell you what, I'm joining up! (slams her hand on the podium) Set me up, sister!
Isabella: Okay. I hereby nominate Candace Flynn into membership in the Loyal Sisterhood of Fireside Girls.
Katie and Ginger: I second! Jinx! (they giggle)
(In the background, Perry gets zapped into the lodge and then zapped out.)
Isabella: Alright, girls, come to order. (to Candace) Now, just fill out this application, read the training manual, sign the insurance waivers, and you can be sworn in at our meeting next week.
Candace: Next week?! But that's too late!
Isabella: I'm sorry, but the traditional procedure comes straight from the Fireside Rules of Order (shows her what looks like a portrait of an old lady in a rocking chair) as established by our founder, Eliza M. Feyersied.
Candace: Well, that's a stupid rule.
Eliza M. Feyersied: (from the "portrait") You watch your mouth, little lady!
Candace: Who puts a picture frame on a window?
Phineas: Is there anything Ferb and I can do to help? Candace really wants to see that concert.
Isabella: Candace, if-if you don't really want to be a Fireside Girl, then—
Candace: No no no, I do, I do! I've gotta get to that concert!
Isabella: Candace, you're not listening to me. You don't—
Candace: Pfft! Forget it! I thought Fireside Girls were supposed to help people.
Eliza M. Feyersied: There is another way!
(The girls gasp)
Isabella: You don't mean—
Eliza M. Feyersied: Yes! Isabella, please read Article 9, Section Charlie, Footnote 6.
Isabella: "A troop leader may award full Fireside Girl status to any girl who has earned 50 patches." But, Mrs. Feyersied, 50 patches in one day?! Is that even possible?!
Eliza M. Feyersied: Well, it depends on how badly she wants it.
Candace: Bring it on!
Isabella: Alright! All you need is a cadet uniform and we can get started.
Candace: Okay. Where can I buy one?
(The Fireside Girls giggle. Cut to Candace at a sewing machine making a uniform.)
Candace: Ouch! (she puts her finger in her mouth)

(Wipe to later that day. Perry gets zapped somewhere in Danville. He looks at his wrist communicator.)
Major Monogram: (on watch) Uh, Agent P, we've teleported you three feet too far to the right.
(Cut to wide shot of D.E.I. to reveal Perry in midair too far from the building. He falls and launches his grappling hook on the balcony.)
Perry
Doo bee doo bee doo bah—
(Perry steps on a button. He dodges the falling trap.)
Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus?! Do you even realize how much trouble it is to set a trap?! And for what?! You just jump out of the way!
(Perry's watch beeps.)
Major Monogram: (on watch) Ah, here we go. We've recalibrated the teleporter.
(Perry gets zapped right into the trap.)
Doofenshmirtz: (scratching his head) I don't know what just happened, but I like it. Now, with you safely inside the cage, (pushes a button on a remote) I can unveil my new device of doom. (the inator rises from the floor) Behold, the Metal-Destructinator!

(Wipe back to the lodge.)
Candace: Fifty patches in one day?! (cut to inside to reveal Candace now in her uniform) Where do I start?
(Cut to reveal Ferb at an easel with a compass and pencil.)
Phineas: By combining the shortest linear distance with the highest population density, we've plotted a course for you that's optimized for the greatest number of patch-acquiring opportunities in the shortest period of time.

(Double wipe to show Candace, Phineas and Ferb outside. Phineas and Ferb are showing their sister a diagram.)
Phineas: Then after you wrestle the crocodiles, you'll corkscrew through the overpass and free fall past the flaming high wire to make your last delivery and receive the 50th patch. Got it?
Candace: Is all that really necessary?
Phineas: We're going to need you to plant one of these Fireside Girl markers at the site of each task so the girls at the lodge can track your progress. Now, is Candace Gertrude Flynn your full legal name?
Candace: Ugh. Yes.
Isabella: Great! You just earned your Honesty Patch! Congratulations!
Candace: Really? That was easy! C'mon, let me do another!
Isabella: Ooh, I think you just earned your Enthusiasm Patch!
Candace: Wow! Two down! (does a happy dance)
Phineas: 48 to go!
Candace: Yippee! This is easy!
Phineas: Okay. (quiz show music plays in the background) 15 senior citizens need help crossing a street that's 50 feet across.
Candace: Ooh, goody, I'm great at word problems.
Phineas: No, there's 15 senior citizens that need help crossing the street. (Cut to reveal Candace on roller skates on a conveyor belt.) Good luck, Candace. Don't forget your helmet. (He pulls the lever and gives her a helmet as she rolls down screaming.)

(Song: Go Candace)
(Candace takes out a stop sign and flails down the street as the senior citizens cross.)
Isabella: (looking through binoculars) Senior-service patch: Check.

Montage: Candace is seen making a totem pole with the heads of a mask, Phineas, Ferb and herself. She marks the totem and receives another patch from Isabella. Cut to show a patch with three ice cream cones and two rotating arrows on it. Candace is now in an ice cream parlor juggling ice cream cones. A check is marked off on the patch. Candace, Phineas, Ferb and Isabella are now climbing a mountain. She marks it. A mountain patch is added to her sash.

Go, Candace! Go, Go, Candace!
Go, Candace! Go, Go, Candace!
Go, Candace! Go, Go, Candace!
Go, Candace! Go, Go, Candace!

(Candace screams and lays down her marker on the road as she gets chased by bulls.)
Phineas: Running with the Bulls Patch: check.
(Candace runs to the other side and lays down her marker as she is chased by Buford and other street toughs.)
Isabella: And Running with the Bullies Patch: check.

(Several patches fall down screen as the scene changes to Ferb, Phineas, Candace and Isabella on a charlift with a rainbow in the background. They drop out of their chair onto a ferris wheel. At the bottom, Candace gets out and runs to a pot of gold. Out of the pot of gold emerges a unicorn-turtle creature not unlike the one shown in the title sequence.)

Go, Candace! Go, Go, Candace!
Go, Candace! Go, Go, Candace!

Phineas: Discovering Something That Doesn't Exist Patch: check

(The unicorn-turtle licks Candace and whinnies.)

Go!

(Several patches fall down screen as the scene changes to Isabella, Ferb, Phineas and Candace in a sewer.)
Phineas: Here you go, Candace. Wrestling an Alligator in a Sewer Patch.
Candace: Alligator, you're goin' down!
(She starts wrestling with the gator as her brothers watch.)
Phineas: C'mon, Candace, you can do it! Pin him already! (The gator continues to put up a tough fight. Phineas points to his watch.) We're running behind! (The fight continues) This is really putting us off schedule.

(Cut to Doof and Perry)
Doofenshmirtz: So let me explain my new evil scheme. A while back, my doctor put me on a low-carb diet, but I still can't lose those last ten pounds. (Lifts his shirt up revealing his rather large gut. Puts his shirt back down.) Every time I get close to my goal, there's this knocking at the door.

(Flashback to Doof running on his treadmill when a knock is heard at the door. He turns the treadmill off.)
Doofenshmirtz: Who is it?
(He opens the door to reveal Milly and Katie.)
Milly: Fireside Girls. Would you like to buy some of our cupcakes?
Doofenshmirtz: Cupcakes you say? I-I really shouldn't. I should get back to my exercise. I'm almost down to my goal.
Milly: Oh, we understand. Have a nice—
Doofenshmirtz: (swiping the log out of her hands and giving her money) Alright, you talked me into it!
Milly: Thanks!
(End flashback)

Doofenshmirtz: So with my weakness for high-carb sweets, there's really no other choice but to get rid of the bridge to the Fireside cupcake factory. And my Metal-Destructinator can turn any metal object into broccoli. I know what you're thinking, why broccoli? But, w-well, y'know, it's healthy. It's like the opposite of what I'm trying to get— It's—It's poetic justice. It's—Well, it's not—not justice, exactly... Poetic evil. It's poetically evil. Now, to make some last-minute adjustments... (hums)
(Perry begins to unscrew his trap.)

(Wipe back to the sewer)
Isabella: Wrestling an Alligator in a Sewer Patch...
Phineas: Check.
(Cut to reveal Candace all covered in slime and panting. They pop out of the sewer.)
Candace: So what's next?
Phineas: We're a bit behind. You can finish out the rest while you work on your Delivering Cupcakes Patch.
Candace: Sounds easy enough.
Phineas: Well, you have to deliver all these cupcakes.
(A truck is heard backing up. Candace's beret literally jumps off her head as the truck unloads many cupcake-filled logs into a rollercoaster car.)
Candace: All these?!
Phineas: No problem. We've built you a rollercoaster delivery system.
Candace: Alright, let's do this.
(Cut to show a rollercoaster around town a little tamer than the first one they built. Phineas and Ferb lower their safety bars.)
Phineas: Siga sentados, por favor.
Candace: Are you speaking Spani—?!
(The rollercoaster starts going down the track.)
Candace: Here are your cupcakes! AAAAAAAAH! (some bugs crash into her face, she spits some out)
Phineas: Bug Collecting Patch: check.
Candace: I'm going to hurl!
Phineas: Motion Sickness Patch: Check!
(The rollercoaster jumps over a tour bus.)
Candace: The Paisley Sideburn Brothers! Let's hurry!
(She slingshots some logs.)

Go, Candace! Go, Go, Candace!
Go, Candace! Go, Go, Candace!

(Pan over to D.E.I. Cut to Perry finally loosening the screw.)
Doofenshmirtz: Ready to fire. (Perry flings the screw out of one of the holes of the trap with his tail. It hits the inator and then hits Doof in the eye.) Ow! (He suddenly turns the inator aiming it at the trap. The metal bars turn into broccoli. Perry jumps onto Doof.) Ow! Yeah! Oh! (Perry pushes Doof's face into the inator several times.) Quit it, you annoying little pest! (The inator fires.)
(Cut to the rollerocaster.)
Phineas: Last one!
(The inator zaps the rollercoaster, which gets turned into broccoli.)
Phineas: Woohoo!
(Phineas and Isabella laugh as they fall to the ground and land on the broccoli.)
Phineas: Wow, that was fun.
Candace: Fun?! Are you nuts?! And how did a rollercoaster turn into broccoli?! And why broccoli?! How does that make any sense?!
Phineas: Candace, focus. You've still got five minutes and it's 20 blocks away. So, uh...good luck with that. (gives her the log)
Candace: No, I can do this.
(She runs off while an acoustic guitar version of "Go Candace" plays in the background.)
Phineas: Now that's persistence.
Candace: I see the building and I still got three minutes! (She reads the directory.) Got it, 38th floor! (She runs to the elevator, but it is out of order) Out of order?! Okay, stairs. Step aerobics, don't fail me now!
(She runs up the stairs while the music becomes slower. Whip pan up to Doof and Perry.)
Doofenshmirtz: Come back here! (Perry grabs a piece of the inator and bends it.) Oh, what are you doing down there?! (Perry activates it and salutes and gets teleported away. The inator turns into broccoli.) Uh-oh. Aaaaah!! (Groans and spits some broccoli out) Curse you, Perry the— (knock at the door) Coming.
(Doof opens the door to reveal an exhausted Candace.)
Candace: Fireside Girl. Here's your order of cupcakes.
Doofenshmirtz: Aren't you a little old to be a Fireside Girl?
Candace: Yes. Yes, I am.

(Cut to the lodge.)
Isabella: (offscreen) Candace, we are all very impressed. (cut to inside) You earned more patches in one day than anyone in the history of the Fireside Girls: 49 patches, which pretty much blows away the previous record of 6 patches held by our own Adyson Sweetwater.
Adyson: Aw, nuts!
Candace: No, I know I did all 50 and I made sure to plant the markers and everything. (holds up a marker) Huh? Looks like I forgot one. I'll just run back before it's five o'clock.
(bell rings)
Isabella: I'm sorry, Candace. Y'know, you may not have lit up the entire board, but you did demonstrate remarkable persistence.
Candace: You mean I get a persistence patch? And that makes 50, right? (short beat) There's no Persistence Patch, is there?
Isabella: Nope. 'Fraid not.
Eliza M. Feyersied: Hold on, Isabella. Little Miss Sassy Mouth here gets a special patch for breakin' the all-time record. (salutes) Congratulations, Fireside Girl! And here's your ticket for the Paisley Sideburn Brothers concert.
Candace: Let's go!

(Cut to the concert. Phineas and Ferb are whistling and cheering with Candace and the Fireside Girls.)
Phineas: Woo! Yeah!
Candace: Phineas and Ferb? How did you guys get in?
Phineas: Isabella invited us. She's allowed to bring guests, you know.
Isabella: That's what I kept trying to tell you, Candace, but you were so insistent on becoming a Fireside Girl. Maybe you can start working on your Good Listener Patch next.
(Candace simply stares in disbelief.)

End Credits

(Candace starts wrestling with the gator as her brothers watch.)
Phineas: C'mon, Candace, you can do it! Pin him already! (The gator continues to put up a tough fight. Phineas points to his watch.) We're running behind! (The fight continues) This is really putting us off schedule. (chomp) Ooh! That's gonna leave a mark.
Ferb: Yes. On the alligator.

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