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Flop Starz/Transcript

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(Scene opens up with a kid singing off-key on a stage.)

Kid: I met my love in a- OW!
Phil: Oh, boy! Did that kid stink or what? But maybe YOU'VE got what it takes to be: The Next...Super...American...Pop Teen...Idol Star! Auditions open today at the Googolplex Mall in beautiful downtown Danville.

(Cuts to the dining room)
Candace: Auditions! Today?!
Announcer: Yes, today! At two o'clock sharp.
Candace: (Grabs the TV and kisses it) I gotta tell Stacy! (Runs, bringing the TV with her and falls)
Phineas: That pop star stuff might be fun at first, but then you'd be stuck with a dead end job. Too bad you can't just do it once and move on.
Linda: Well, what you're talking about is a one-hit wonder.
Phineas: One-hit wonder? What's that?
Linda: Well, a musical act goes to the top of the charts with a catchy tune and meaningless lyrics.

(Song: "I'm Lindana and I Wanna Have Fun!")
Singers: She's Lindana!
Lindana: I'm Lindana and I wanna have fun!
Singers: She wants to have fun
Lindana: I'm Lindana and I wanna have fun!
Singers: She's Lindana
Lindana: I'm Lindana and I wanna have fun!
Singers: She wants to have fun
Lindana: I wanna, wanna, wanna have
Singers and Lindana: Fun fun fun!

(In the middle of the song)
Linda: (voiceover) Then they throw a big diva tantrum, lose their label, then fade to obscurity. Before they know it, their song ends up as: elevator music. Years later, they have a reunion concert... and after that, they never sing again. And no one...remembers them. (tears up, but quickly wipes away tears) Not that I would know anything about that.
Phineas: (writing) A one-hit wonder... (Shows checklist, listing in order: Hit record, Diva tantrum, Elevator music, Reunion tour) Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today.
(Ferb strums a guitar.)

(In Candace's room)
Candace: But Stacy, what am I going to sing?
Stacy: Hello, what are you gonna wear?
Candace: Hmmm...
(Cuts to Candace wearing a blue gown.)
Candace: What do you think?
Stacy: Too much. (Candace wears a bikini; now offscreen.) Too little. (Candace wears a pinafore.) Ugh, too clean. (Candace wears torn cords and a hippie t-shirt.) Too dirty. (Candace wears a street clothing.) Too street. (Candace wears a goth suit.) Too goth. (Cut to her.) Where'd you get that?
(Candace wears a Lindana costume.)
Candace: My mom's closet. You like it?
Stacy: Nah, too retro.
(Candace tries more other outfits: a construction uniform, indian clothes, cowgirl duds, biking clothes, a sailor suit, a gorilla costume, a spacesuit, a clown costume, and finally ends up with her trademark clothing.)
Stacy: Perfect!
Candace: Nice, huh?
Stacy: Yeah, you should've tried that on first.
Candace: Let's go!

(They pass by Phineas and Ferb in their bedroom; Phineas is on the floor writing.)
Phineas: "Chika, chika, choo...wah". Meaningless lyrics done. How's the catchy tune coming along?
(Ferb presses a key on the computer keyboard, producing a piano sound in the key of D.)
Phineas: Excellent! We'll be done by lunch! Hey, where'd Perry go?

(Perry flushes himself in the toilet and then swims over his headquarters.)

Major Monogram: Hello? Hello-oo? Anybody there?
(Perry crashes down, full of water)
Oh, good morning Agent P. We just received word that Dr. Doofenshmirtz has been buying up construction toys at an alarming rate. We need you to find out what he's up to and put a stop to it.
(Perry salutes and leaves with his scooter, and stops at the red light. Linda's car stops beside him, and she glances; then when she realized it, Perry puts a pair of Groucho glasses on and Linda just shrugs. The green light then appears and he zooms away.)

(Perry)!

(At the mall)
Linda: We'll meet back in the entrance in an hour.
Candace: Come on, Stacy! We gotta hurry so we could get a spot in li -- yayaya. (realized the line's too long) I've never sang in front of so many people!
Stacy: Uh, Candace? (shows her a LOT more people in the audience)
Candace: (gasps) I can't do this.
Stacy: Oh yes, you can! You're not a quitter; you're a fighter!
Candace: I am?
Stacy: Sure you are! You're a lean, mean, singing machine!
(Candace growls and punches the purse as in boxing.)
That's it, yeah! Now you're looking like a winner!
(Candace looks like a worn out tiger and drools. Jeremy walks by.)
Jeremy: Hey, Candace.
Candace: (arranges herself) And that is what a gorilla looks like when you try to take away its food. Oh! Hi, Jeremy! Are you auditioning too?
Jeremy: Nah. I came to see this hot new band called PFT. I downloaded their song this morning. It's tight! The hundredth contestant gets to sing onstage with the band!
Candace: Really? (She walks through the entrance and becomes the 100th contestant.)
Jeremy: Hey, looks like that's you.
Phil: Congratulations! You're the hundredth contestant! (Pulls her away)

(Cuts to Candace onstage.)
Phil: (over speaker) Ladies and gentlemen, this young lady has the honor of singing onstage with PFT. So now, the band you've been waiting for: Phineas and the Ferb-Tones!
(Phineas and Ferb are revealed.)
Candace: Phineas?!
Phineas: Candace? You're the hundredth contestant? How serendipitous. This'll be like a brother and sister thing! Now I'm assuming you've heard our hit single. I mean, who hasn't, right? It's a big hit. (gives her sheet music) So here's the words; don't worry if you get lost. The lyrics are meaningless anyway. I'll point when it's your turn.
(He steps forward as Candace stares.)
Phineas: Ladies and gentlemen, the Ferbettes! I'm Phineas and this is Ferb, and we're gonna sing a song!
(Song: "Gitchee Gitchee Goo")
Phineas: Bow, Chicka, Bow-Wow!
Ferbettes: That's what my baby says!
Phineas: Mow-mow-mow!
Ferbettes: And my heart starts pumping!
Phineas: Chicka-Chicka, Choo Wah!
Ferbettes: Never gonna stop!
All: Gitchee Gitchee Goo means that I love you!
Phineas: I said a Bow, Chicka, Bow-Wow!
Ferbettes That's what my baby says!
Phineas: Mow-mow-mow!
Ferbettes: And my heart starts pumping!
Phineas: Chicka-Chicka, Choo Wah!
Ferbettes: Never gonna stop!
All: Gitchee Gitchee Goo means that I love you!
Phineas: I said a Bow, Chika, Bow-Wow! Candace!

(The music abruptly stops. Candace looks at her music before throwing it aside.)
Candace: Wait a minute! What are you doing?
Phineas: I'm cuing you?
Candace: How'd you get a hit single?!
Phineas: Well, it wasn't easy. It took most of the morning and half a dozen phone calls. But if you're willing to put in the work-
Candace: That's it! I'm gonna tell Mom!
Phineas: Okay...tell her what?
Candace: (pauses) Ooh, I'm just gonna tell.
(She walks offstage; music resumes.)
Phineas and Ferbettes: Gitchee Gitchee Goo means that I love you!

(Cuts to Linda in a store.)
Candace: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom, you've gotta see this!
Linda: (with disdain) Let me guess. Is it unbelieva- (Candace pushes her) WOOAH!
Candace: Come on, come on, come on!

(Cuts to backstage.)
Ben Baxter: Hi, I'm Ben Baxter, Huge-O-Records. Why don't you come by my office in an hour and we can talk about your future.
Phineas: Future? Cool. He must be a psychic.

(Cut back to Candace and Linda.)
Candace: Come on, come on, come on! (They arrive at the stage; she presents a shadow that appears to be Phineas and Ferb's heads.) See?! There they are onstage!!!
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, once again... (Spotlight lights up.) Marty the Rabbit Boy and His Musical Blender!
(Marty the Rabbit Boy performs)
Linda: Hon, we're getting you an eye exam. (pulls her away)
Candace: No, no! Wait!

Perry!
Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.!
Doofenshmirtz: Ha ha, everything is ready!
(doorbell rings) Oh, what is it now? (opens the door and saw the disguised Perry) Oh, are you my new temp? Well, let me just get you up the speed. I know it's bit of a mess. I'm just putting the finishing touches of my latest maniacal plan. You see, in a few minutes, I will unleash an unprecedented reign of terror upon the entire... (holds a magnifying glass on the eastern coast of the U.S.) ...Tri-State Area! And Perry the Platypus will never be the wiser.(Perry removes the Groucho glasses) Perry the Platypus? You're a temp? Are times that hard?

(Candace exits the mall wearing glasses.)
Candace: Ugh! I told Mom I don't need glasses! (takes off glasses) What the --
(A PFT bus drives away)
Candace: Uh, No! No! Wait! Uggggg...
(Candace stops. She turns around, notices a PFT poster on a building and smiles.)
Candace: MMMMMOOOOM?!?

Doofenshmirtz Evil Incor--

Doofenshmirtz: Sorry, Perry the Platypus, but you are too late! (pushes a lever that makes the building alive as a robot)

(Cuts to Linda in a store.)
Linda: (wearing a jacket) Ooh, this one's nice.
Candace: Mom! Come here! You've gotta see this! (drags her out, setting off the shoplifting alarm)
Linda: Candace! I haven't payed for this yet!
Guard: Hey!

(The giant building robot wreaks havoc over the city)
Doofenshmirtz: Ha ha ha! When it comes to havoc, nobody wreaks like me!(Perry removes a metal cover of a storage) Wait, wait, wait, you're not supposed to touch that! (Perry removes a wire)
Hey, hey, no fair!

(The robot almost steps over the building, but turns around)

(The PFT bus passes by)
Isabella: Wow, what a great painting! How did you get permission for that?
Phineas: Oh, they didn't mind. The building's scheduled for demolition.
(A man presses the lever of a dynamite block. The building gets demolished just as Candace drags her mom out.)
Candace: Seeeeeee??!!
(Linda does not answer. Candace turns and sees no building.)
Candace: AAAAHHHH!!
Guard: Uh, ma'am, you're gonna have to come back and pay for that.
Linda: (flatly) Yes of course, officer.
Candace: AAAAHHHH!!
Guard: Hey, weren't you Lindana?
Linda: Yes, I was! I can't believe you recognized me.
Guard: Well, I was a huge fan. (pauses, serious) You still have to pay for the jacket.
Linda: (flatly) I know.

Doofenshmirtz: Very clever, Perry the Platypus. I tried to ignore you, but you forced my hand.
(Pushes a button and traps Perry)
And now...I shall relax with a nice, tasty deli platter. Oh-ho-ho, where are my manners?
(Gives Perry his share) Here you go, Perry the Platypus. Care for some pepper? Just say when. (Continues to pour pepper) Anytime.

(At Huge-O-Records...)
Ben: (from inside) Boys, let me start by saying we love your act and we want to be... (cuts to the boardroom) ...in the Phineas and the Ferb-Tones business. And by the way, aren't you a little young to be pop stars?
(Pause)
Phineas: ...No.
(Another pause)
Ben: Well, okay then! We prepared to offer you a very lucrative contract if you'll just sign exclusively with us for your follow-up single.
Phineas: (suddenly angry) Follow-up single? (rips up the contract under the following) Who do you think we are, some two-bit hacks who will keep writing new songs just because you pay us obscene amounts of cash?! Phineas and the Ferb-Tones are strictly a one-hit wonder! (The band enters the elevator) Good day to you, sir!
(In the elevator, "Gitchee Gitchee Goo" plays as elevator music.)
Phineas: Diva tantrum, check. (Pauses, listens to the "Gitchee Gitchee Goo" elevator music) Elevator music, check.
(Ferb checks off "Elevator music; cut to the boardroom)
Ben: Ah, who needs 'em? We still got this video tape of their performance. We could do live CDs, DVDs, pod-casts, and we can digitally re-create their images to make our own sitcom! The Phineas and Ferb Show! We could squeeze twenty years of entertainment out of this one video tape.
Manager: (screams) That giant robot's coming right at us!

Doofenshmirtz: (still pouring pepper) Wow, you sure like a lot of pepper. I'm more of a paprika man myself. (Perry blows over the pepper, Dr. D coughs) It will take more than condiments to foil my brilliant plan!
(The robot sneezes them out, and they crash through the Huge-O-Records building)
Ben: The tape!
Doofenshmirtz: AAAAHHH!
(Perry loosens the tape's film and successfully lands)
Doofenshmirtz: AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! (Lands on a soft mattress) Ooh! What an unbelievable stroke of luck! (The mattress folds in half) Oof! I'm okay! I'm still better than the... (gets stepped over by the robot) Curse you, Perry the Platypus! (Below...)
Phineas: Oh, there you are, Perry. (Perry chatters; a bus pulls up and they get on) Come on, guys. We still have one more thing left to do.

(In Googolplex Mall)
Phil: And the winner of the day's "Next Super American Pop Teen Idol Star" is... (Screen zooms out to reveal:) Marty the Rabbit Boy and his Musical Blender! Oh, give him a hand! He's going to Hollywood!
(Pan to Candace moping on a bench; Jeremy walks over.) Jeremy: Hey, Candace. What's wrong?
Candace: I'm better than that guy. Oh, I should've taken blender lessons.
Jeremy: So why did you run off earlier?
Candace: My brothers. (sighs) They always ruin everything.
Jeremy: Well, you like to sing, right?
Candace: Yeah.
Jeremy: Then you shouldn't let your brothers' fun ruin your good time. You know, if you get a chance to sing, you oughta sing. I gotta go, I'll see you later. (Walks away)
(Music beats)
Phineas: (offscreen) Hey Candace. (Shows the stage for the PFT Reunion Concert) You're still the hundredth contestant, wanna come up and help us out?
(Candace walks onstage.)

(Song: "Gitchee Gitchee Goo")
Phineas: Bow, Chicka, Bow-Wow!
Candace: That's what my baby says!
Phineas: Mow-mow-mow!
Candace: And my heart starts pumping!
Phineas: Chicka-Chicka, Choo Wah!
Candace: Never gonna stop!
All: Gitchee Gitchee Goo means that I love you!

Phineas: I said a Bow, Chicka, Bow-Wow!
Candace: That's what my baby says!
Phineas: Mow-mow-mow!
Candace: And my heart starts pumping!
Phineas: Chicka-Chicka, Choo Wah!
Candace: Never gonna stop!

All: Gitchee Gitchee Goo means that I love you! (X2)
Gitchee Gitchee Goo means: That I love you baby, baby, baby!
Ferb: Baby-baby-baby-baby,
Candace/Phineas: Gitchee Gitchee Goo means that I love you!

(Crowd cheers)

Candace: That was great! I've been thinking of my brothers all wrong! They're not a nuisance. They're my ticket to-
Phineas: Thanks, you've been great! This is the last time we're ever gonna sing that song. We're retiring, good night!
(The band walks offstage; the lights switch off, leaving Candace in the dark.)
Mall Operator: (via loud speaker) The mall is now closed and will re-open at 9:00 A.M. tomorrow. Thank you for shopping with us.

End Credits

(Song: "I'm Lindana and I Wanna Have Fun!")
Singers: She's Lindana!
Lindana: I'm Lindana and I wanna have fun...

(remainder of lyrics under announcer's voice-over)
Singers: She wants to have fun
Lindana: I'm Lindana and I wanna have fun!
Singers: She's Lindana
Lindana: I'm Lindana and I wanna have fun!
Singers: She wants to have fun
Lindana: I wanna, wanna, wanna have
Singers and Lindana together: Fun fun fun!

Lindana: I'm not Veronica or Alison or Donna
And I don't wanna scrub the sink or mow the lawn-

Announcer: You loved her in the '80s. Get ready to love her again. Lindana's mega hit "I'm Lindana and I Wanna Have Fun", and been remixed and re-translated into your favorite languages: Portuguese! Dutch! Canadian! Japanese! Esperanto! Pig Latin! Dog! And everyone's favorite-

(Linda turns off TV)
Phineas: Hey, Mom. Whatcha watchin'?
Linda: Oh, nothing.
Singers: She wants to have fun!
Lindana: I wanna, wanna, wanna have fun, fun, fun!

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