Doofenshmirtz: Sit down, Norm. These seats look good.
Norm: Normally, I like to sit a little farther back.
Doofenshmirtz: Ah, quit complaining and sit down. It's starting. (the episode begins) Oh, that kid is fun-ny. ♪ I'm a pig boy. I got a nose just like a pig. ♪ Ouch! That's gotta hurt.
Announcer: (on screen) But maybe you've got what it takes to be...
Doofenshmirtz: Whoa, all these words flying at me, it's blowing my mind. Ho-Honestly, I'm gettin' nauseous. Oh, thank goodness, it stopped.
Candace: (on screen) Auditions?! Today?!
Announcer: (on screen) Yes, today! At two o'clock sharp!
(Candace kisses the TV on screen.)
Norm: I once went out with a TV. Worst twelve months of my life.
Doofenshmirtz: Is that milk yellow? At least I hope it's milk, right? Right? (Looking at Norm) Right?
Norm: I heard you, sir.
Linda: (on screen) Well, what you're talking about...
Doofenshmirtz: Hmm, she looks familiar. (Gasps) I think I went out with her. I think I had a date or... (Gasps) Oh, yeah! That's her! It's Lindana! We dated for a...uh...W-We went out on a date. She was really into me. But y'know, I... I had to cut her loose. She was… She was dragging me down. She was... She was just too needy.
Norm: (sarcastically) Oh, right. She was the needy one.
Doofenshmirtz: You got somethin' to say, Norm?
Norm: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. Did that sound sarcastic?
Doofenshmirtz: Yes. Yes it did.
Norm: Well, maybe you're just projecting.
Doofenshmirtz: I can take your sarcasm chip out, you know. I've got the tools. (referring to Phineas) Is he missing a finger?
Norm: Biologically speaking, five fingers would be more effective.
Doofenshmirtz: Hey, where'd he get the guitar from? Where was he keeping that? What's this? More kids?
Norm: Are we in the right theater?
Doofenshmirtz: Y'know, I almost wore that same dress today. That would have been so embarrassing. How is she changing clothes so quickly?
Norm: Now I'm sure this isn't Showdown at Blue River Gulch. Darn! And we're supposed to talk about it in my knitting group tomorrow.
Doofenshmirtz: You're in a knitting group?
Norm: You don't know everything about me.
Candace: (on screen) Let's go.
Phineas: (on screen) "Chicka, chicka, choo, wah." Meaningless...
Doofenshmirtz: Look at that steel drum behind him. I-It clearly says "Danger" there. Where are the parents? Who's watching these kids? Latchkey! Aw, look at the cute platyp— (gasps) Wait, what?
Norm: Cleary, that's your nemesis, Perry the Platypus.
Doofenshmirtz: Ew, he has to swim down the sewer? Gross!
Major Monogram: (on screen) Oh, good morning, Agent P. We've just received word that Dr. Doofenshmirtz has been buying up construction toys at an alarming rate. We need you to find out what he's up to and put a stop to it.
Doofenshmirtz: That's all the information they're gonna give him about me? How could he be so good with so little preparation?
Norm: Well, all he does is hit you, sir.
Doofenshmirtz: That's not all he does. I mean, we... We do other things together. We have a little bit deeper relationship than that. (gasps) Busted! He is so busted! What? She's fooled by that lame disguise? Who is that, anyway? I like that mall, except there's nothing in any of the stores.
Norm: Don't exaggerate, sir. There's a bunch of yellow triangles in that window right there.
Stacy: (on screen) Candace?
Candace: (on screen, gasps) I can't do this!
Doofenshmirtz: I don't have anything to say about this part. I'll be honest.
Norm: A rare situation, sir.
Doofenshmirtz: Wait. How many legs does she have?
Stacy: (on screen) Now, you're looking like a winner!
Doofenshmirtz: AAH!! Chupacabra! Hey, watch out! Don't get too close! It's a chupa... Hey, wait a second. I think I know that kid. (gasps) You know what? He... I took a guitar lesson from him once. Forget his name. Germy or something. I think it had something to do with germs.
Jeremy: (on screen) The 100th contestant gets to sing on stage with the band.
Doofenshmirtz: What, it's a surprise? It said 99th contestant in big letters right behind her, right before she walked through. She's all, "Whoo!"
Announcer: (on screen) …this young lady has the honor of singing on stage with PFT! So now, the band you've been waiting for: Phineas and the Ferb-Tones!
Candace: (on screen) Phineas?
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, it's her brothers! You've been punk'd! Where are those sparkly lights coming from? You see the sparkly lights? It's weird. I... I think I may have to lie down. It's giving me a migraine.
Phineas: (on screen) Lyrics are meaningless anyway. I'll point when it's your turn. Ladies and gentlemen, the Ferbettes!
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, wait, I love this song!
♪ Bow chicka bow wow ♪
♪ That's what my baby says ♪
♪ Mow mow mow ♪
♪ And my heart something something ♪
Norm: You like this song, sir?
Doofenshmirtz: Yes. Yes I do.
Norm: So do I. Could you keep it down so I could hear it?
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, fine. (under his breath) Killjoy.
The Ferbettes: (on screen) That's what my baby says ♪
Phineas: (on screen) ♪ Mow mow mow ♪
Doofenshmirtz: Now I'm seeing hearts pulsing in and out. I... I hope this isn't some kind of seizure or neurological disorder. I mean, I can't think of any that have… that have hearts as a symptom. Like... Like-like-like actual, Valentine-shaped hearts in front of your eyes. But just to be sure, I should… I should probably go have it checked out.
Norm: The hearts are gone, sir.
Doofenshmirtz: Yeah, you're right. It's probably nothing. M-Maybe I'll make an appointment anyway. Just, you know, better safe than sorry.
Phineas: (on screen) Okay. Tell her what?
Doofenshmirtz: Why did it get so quiet?
Norm: Because you stopped talking, sir.
Phineas and the Ferb-Tones: (on screen) ♪ Gitchee gitchee goo ♪
♪ Means that I love you ♪
Doofenshmirtz: "Clothes"? That's the name of the store?
Norm: Clothes is a great store. I get all of my clothes there.
Doofenshmirtz: He looks so hip. He has one of those little goaties. "Goaties", is it "goaties" or "goatees"? Goatees sounds like "go tease" someone.
Phineas: (on screen) Cool. He must be a psychic.
Candace: (on screen) Come on, come on, come on! See? There they are on stage!
Doofenshmirtz: That's just a bunny and a blender.
Norm: You certainly know your silhouettes, sir.
Doofenshmirtz: Yes, I do.
Norm: I have all his albums!
Linda: (on screen) Hon, we're getting you an eye exam.
Candace: (on screen) No, no, wait!
Female singers: (on screen) ♪ Perry! ♪
Doofenshmirtz: What the? Oh, right. That was the day that I lived in a different building.
Doofenshmirtz: (on screen) Oh, what is it now?
Doofenshmirtz: You see the "D" that's on my door there? It's not for "Doofenshmirtz". It's apartment D. It's just a complete coincidence. I was thrilled when I moved in. Y-Y'see me? I-I'm pretending to ignore his fake nose and glasses. It's called being cool.
Doofenshmirtz: (on screen) ...upon the entire...Tri-State Area. And Perry the Platypus will never be the wiser! (Perry removes his disguise on screen, Doof gasps on screen) Perry the Platypus?! You're a temp? Are times that hard?
Doofenshmirtz: Well, see. "Are times that hard". That's a Great Depression reference from the '30s. Kids love that.
Candace: (on screen) No, no! Wait! (growls, looks behind her at the poster on the building) Moooooooooom!
The Slacks: (on screen) ♪ Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorpor— ♪
Doofenshmirtz: (on screen) Sorry, Perry the Platypus. But you're too late!
Doofenshmirtz: Y'know, my building...it looks a little like a robot.
Norm: (insulted) You had another robot before me?!
Doofenshmirtz: Look, it was a long time ago. It meant nothing. It was just evil.
Linda: (on screen) Ooh. This one's nice.
Candace: (on screen) Mom, come here! You've gotta see this!
(alarm goes off on screen)
Linda: (on screen) But, Candace, I haven't paid for this yet!
Security Guard: (on screen) Hey!
Doofenshmirtz: I knew she'd turn into a thief. I knew she had that streak. That's why I stopped going out with her.
Doofenshmirtz: (on screen) Ha ha ha ha! When it comes to havoc, nobody wreaks like me! Whoa! Wait, you're not supposed to touch that!
Doofenshmirtz: Wow! Perry the Platypus is surprisingly resistant to electricity. I must make a note of that.
Isabella: (on screen) Wow! What a great painting! How did you get permission for that?
Phineas: (on screen) Oh, they didn't mind. The building's scheduled for demolition.
(The building explodes on screen.)
Candace: (on screen) See? AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!
Security Guard : (on screen) Uh, ma'am, you're gonna have to come back and pay for that.
Doofenshmirtz: Ooh, it's the fuzz! She's in a heap of trouble now!
Candace: (on screen) AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
Security Guard: (on screen) Hey, weren't you Lindana?
Doofenshmirtz: Hey there, buddy, she dated me. She's not gonna go out with a two-bit mall cop. Just sayin'.
Security Guard: (on screen) You still have to pay for the jacket.
Linda: (on screen) I know.
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, wait! Watch this part!
Doofenshmirtz: (on screen) ...but you forced my hand!
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, the mechanical arms! Those were so great! W-Why don't I use those anymore?
Norm: Well, I am assuming this doesn't end well for you, sir.
Doofenshmirtz: Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. At least I got a nice deli platter out of it. I didn't realize I looked that good. I'm very, very photogenic.
Ben Baxter: (on screen) ...and we want to be in the Phineas and the Ferb-Tones business.
Doofenshmirtz: Ooh, look. Look, look, on the wall behind them, it's Lindana's gold record! How self-referential. This is a very meta show. Y'know, that kid in the purple, he should see an eye doctor.
Phineas: (on screen, "angrily") Follow-up single?! Who do you think we are?!
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, look, he's giving attitude. I like this kid.
Phineas: (on screen, "angrily") Phineas and the Ferb-Tones are strictly a one-hit wonder! Good day to you, sir!
Doofenshmirtz: Hey, you see that girl in the pink?
Doofenshmirtz: She's not wearing the same outfit as the other girls. She plays by her own rules. She's a maverick.
Ben Baxter: (on screen) Ah, who needs them?
Doofenshmirtz: What is that, a VHS tape he has? Who uses that anymore? They... They haven't used those for years! Buddy, look behind you!
Norm: Robots! Is there nothing we can't do?
Man: (on screen) AAH! The giant robot is coming right at us!
Doofenshmirtz: (on screen) Wow, you sure like a lot of pepper.
Doofenshmirtz: Y'know, that was my favorite pepper mill. It could hold more pepper than its actual volume. Look, see?
(The robot building sneezes on screen.)
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, I guess that particular brilliant plan could be foiled by condiments alone.
Norm: Who programs a robot to be allergic to pepper?
Doofenshmirtz: I try to add subtlety and nuance to all of my creations. It's all about the details.
Norm: It's incredible that you're alive, sir.
Doofenshmirtz: (on screen) I'm okay. I'm still better than—
Doofenshmirtz: And I never used that robot again.
Phineas: (on screen) Oh, there you are, Perry!
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, look, they have a platypus, too.
Norm: I didn't realize platypi were so common in the Tri-State Area.
Doofenshmirtz: Me, neither.
Announcer: (on screen) The Next Super American Pop Teen Idol Star is...
Norm: It's Marty the Rabbit Boy again.
Doofenshmirtz: Y'know, nobody plays a blender like Marty the Rabbit Boy.
Announcer: (on screen) He's going to Hollywood!
Jeremy: (on screen) Hey, Candace. What's wrong?
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, Guitar Boy is back. Germy or whatever. I mean, what kind of mother names their child after germs? That's just a... That's just a strange kind of...
Norm: I think it's "Jeremy", sir.
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, that makes a lot more sense!
Norm: He has nice hair.
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, he's just young. That's all he's got over me. He's young.
Phineas: (on screen) Hey, Candace, you're still the 100th contestant. Want to come up and help us out?
♪ Bow chicka bow wow ♪
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, and now, they're gonna sing the song again. That's... That's lazy. Lazy writing. When did... When did repetition become comedy? Seriously, when did repetition become comedy? Would somebody tell me, when did repetition become comedy? When? When? When?! When?!?! When when when when when when when?
Norm: That's not getting any funnier, sir.
Doofenshmirtz: Exactly my point. Eh, it's a catchy song, though.
Phineas and Candace: (on screen) ♪ Baby ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ Baby ♪
Ferb: (on screen) ♪ Bay-buh, bay-buh, bay-buh, bay-buh ♪
Doofenshmirtz: Wasn't expecting that kid's voice to be so low.
Norm: I know. That was surprising.
Candace: (on screen) I've been thinking of my brothers all wrong! They're not a nuisance! They're my ticket to—
Phineas: (on screen) Thanks, you've been great! This is the last time we're ever gonna sing that song! We're retiring! Goodnight!
Doofenshmirtz: See? She's learned an important lesson.
Norm: What lesson is that, sir?
Doofenshmirtz: Never stay in the mall after dark.
Backup singers: (on screen) ♪ She's Lindana... ♪
Lindana: (on screen) ♪ I'm Lindana and I wanna have fun ♪
Announcer: (on screen) You loved her in the '80s...
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, she's a has-been just like me. But she gave up and I didn't. I win, she loses.
Norm: (leaving the theater) You're both winners in my book, sir.
Doofenshmirtz: (following Norm) Thanks, Norm. Thanks for that. Your esteem means...well, actually, very, very little to me.
Phineas: (on screen) Hey, Mom. Whatcha watchin'?
Linda: (on screen) Oh, nothing.
Backup singers : ♪ She wants to have fun ♪
Lindana: ♪ I wanna wanna wanna have fun fun fun! ♪