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Fly On the Wall/Transcript

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(Scene opens up to the Flynn-Fletcher house; cut to Candace's room)
Candace: (On the phone) You'll never guess what I'm doing tonight.
Stacy: Well, you might be...
Candace: Going on a big date, but guess with whom?
Stacy: Obviously—
Candace: It's Jeremy. (Squeals) But you'll never guess where.
Stacy: (Sighs) I have no idea.
Candace: Neither do I. He says it's a surprise.
Stacy: Oh, lucky you.
Candace: The problem is if I don't know where we're going, I don't know what to wear.
Stacy: Oh! I know, Hair bows. They're all the rage this days. Just don't wear any feather-earrings, they're so last Tuesday.
Candace: (Puts feather-earrings down) Ah! Yeah, so last Tuesday, Ah hah. I-I would never wear something so Tuesdayish of last.

(Switches to backyard with the boys and gang)
Phineas: Well, seems the parts didn't arrive for our Zombie-robot pool table. Anybody have any other suggestions?
Buford: Hey, remember how we did that super Rollercoaster? How 'bout a super duper Rollercoaster?
(Everyone stares at him)
Baljeet: So, you are just adding a "duper" then?
Buford: It's an acceptable suffix.
Isabella: We did a Portal to Mars. Maybe...a Portal to Venus?
Baljeet: Hah! Only if they make SPF 12 million.
Buford: Okay-okay! How 'bout a super-super duper-duper-duper Rollercoaster? What, too much or not enough?
Phineas: Actually, instead of improving one of our old inventions, we should make something brand new! Something simple.
Isabella: How do you mean?
Phineas: Well, what is summer all about?

(Song: "Summer (Where Do We Begin?)")
Buford, Isabella, Baljeet: Summer is running through the sprinklers in your T-shirt, shoes, and--

Phineas: Yeah, we all know the song. (beat) But I'm not exactly sure how....
(Everyone pauses)
Buford: Well, Hurry up and think of somethin', I'm gettin' tired hanging around here.
Phineas: That's it Buford. You can't get more summer than a tire swing. Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today.
Buford: Uh, hatch mosquitoes?
Phineas: No. Hey! Where's Perry?


(Perry goes down the basement staircase, stopping at the landing next to the Panic Room, opens the bottom stair, stops himself halfway down the slide after forgetting his hat, retrieves it from the stairs, and goes back down into his lair.)
Major Monogram: Morning, Agent P, We have a report that Doofenshmirtz is at the Shark. We don't know which Shark, but it sounds bad. Ugh! Gives me the heebie-jeebies just thinking about it...
Carl: Sir, it was a typo, Doof isn't at the Shark, he's at the park.
Major Monogram: Well then, that's a lot lower on my heebie-jeebie scale. So Agent P, uh, change of plan. Head over to the park and stop Doof from doing the doings that Doof does ...do (Clears throat)
(Perry salutes then leaves his lair)
Carl: You have a heebie-jeebie scale, sir?
Major Monogram: Yeah. You're on it.


(Switches to the Flynn-Fletcher backyard)
Phineas: An old-fashioned tire-swing but huge and powered by jet-engines that can flatten a small village. Baljeet have you calibrated the ailerons yet?
Baljeet: Oh sure, calibrated the ailerons...
Buford: I'll just stay here and fiddle with stuff so I look busy.
(Buford removes a random part from a control console, and a ray shoots. Buford panics and quickly replaces the part)
Phineas: Hey, Buford.
Buford: What? I didn't take nothing out of nowhere. But, uhm, just as a hypothetical. Uh... What do you think would happen if say you took that goofy doohickey-thing out of the thingamawhatsit?
Phineas: Hmm... Good question. Ferb? (Opens a blueprint.) Well, if we account for the coolness of the jet propulsion circuits this early in the day and the increased internal humidity while that access port is open, removing the part in question would cause the machine to emit a ray that turns a human into a fly.
Buford: Really?
Phineas: You'd be surprised how often removing a single component can make the difference between one thing and a highly complicated totally unrelated other thing. For instance, if you remove this part it will become a Sorbet machine. Why do you ask?
Buford: Oh, no reason.

Candace: A hair bow? Only Stacy can pull this off. (Screams) I'm a fly, how is this possible? Phineas and Ferb, you are so buzzzzzzzzted! Mom!
(Wide shot of downstairs. Candace flies around.)
Candace: Bzzzz! Bzzzzzzz!!! Bzz bzzz bzzzzzz! Bzzzzzz! (close up on fly Candace as she buzzes in her mother's ear) Mom, look! Phineas and Ferb invented somethin' that turns people into flies!
(Wide shot of Linda)
Candace: Bzzzz bzzzzzz!
Linda: Ew, get away, fly! Shoo! Oops! I'm late for my appointment.
Candace: Bzzzzz! Bzzzzz! Mom! It's me! Mom!!! You need to bust the boys and get them to turn me back into me before Jeremy gets back here! (wide shot as Candace realizes she's in the car with Linda, who starts the ignition) What?! (She flies in place but not before smashing into the window) Help meeeeee!


(Scene shifts to Danville Park. Cut to Doofenshmirtz having a picnic. Agent P approaches him)
Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus, won't you join me for a picnic? (Perry hesitates but then walks up, but not before sinking into his trap. Doofenshmirtz laughs.) Ah! Ah! Ow, my duodenum. Oh, oh, did you see your face?! You were like, "Ooh, maybe I shouldn't," but you're then, "Well, I am hungry" and then BOOM! down you went! Ha-ha! And are you hungry, Perry the Platypus? (Picks up the picnic basket) Well, too bad, it's not for you. It's for them. (Whip pan to reveal pigeons eating seeds. Cut back to Doofenshmirtz, who retrieves an inator from the basket) Behold! My feed-the-pigeons-inator! (Perry just gives Doofenshmirtz a look) Okay, Snobby the Snobapus, I know it doesn't sound like much, but it is technically evil. I am breaking the law. See? (whip pan to a sign saying, "DO NOT FEED THE PIGEONS!") There? There. "Do not feed the pigeons". And I am going to feed the pigeons, therefore I am breaking the law. "Do not feed the pigeons". It's a-it's a metal sign with......big red letters on it and that makes it.......legally binding. (covers his eyes) Okay, here's the truth: I got evil scientist's block, alright? (sighs) Seriously, I got—I got nothing. I—I was going to make a good-idea-inator, but I thought it would be counterproductive because it already had "good" in the title. So then I invented a bad-idea-inator, which...just...gave me this. And see where that got me. Ah, I'm telling ya, I'm dry, Perry the Platypus. Dry! And the summer just keeps going on and on and it feels like it's been goin' on for, like, four years! I'm asking ya man to monotreme, can you help me? (Perry comes out of his hole and leads Doofenshmirtz) See? Even my trap design has become...lackluster.


(Scene shifts to the backyard. Pan down to reveal a giant tire swing)
Phineas: Lady and gentlemen, may we present the good old-fashioned new-fashioned tire swing! (Cut to inside the tire swing to reveal Phineas, Isabella, Ferb, Baljeet and Buford inside the tire) Prepare to engage thrusters! (The tire begins swinging back and forth with rocket launchers) The fully-pressurized cabin is gyroscopically balanced for a perfectly smooth ride.
Baljeet: Hmmm. Now it just feels like we are watching a movie.
Phineas: (pushing a red button) True, but we can also go old school! Hang on, everybody!
(They drop out of the tire revealing themselves riding separate tire swings.)
Isabella: This is great!
Buford: I have never been so sick to my stomach!!


(Cut back to Danville Park)
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, I think I've gleaned from your expression that you are now going to lead me through a series of bizarre and seemingly unrelated exercises that will help me get my groove back. Does that about sum it up? Good. Let's do this thing!
(Perry and Doofenshmirtz do some aerobic steps. They then do some trust exercises. Doofenshmirtz is then shown painting a picture. He steps aside to reveal the picture is a badly drawn happy face. Perry shakes his head. Perry and Doofenshmirtz do some more aerobic steps. Doofenshmirtz paints again. He steps aside to reveal a painting in the style of René Magritte's The Son of Man painting, only with Perry in place of the man's body with an apple for a face. Perry shakes his head again. Doofenshmirtz puts his head in his hands. Perry offers him a handkerchief. Doofenshmirtz does some pushups while Perry sits on him while eating a sandwich. Doofenshmirtz is seen painting once more. He steps aside revealing a painting of an inator. Perry gives him a thumbs-up. Doofenshmirtz smiles as the camera zooms in on the painting. Fade in on the painting to reveal the inator built. Zoom out to show Doofenshmirtz holding Perry's hand and walking up to the inator.)


(Scene shifts back to Linda's car.)
Candace: Bzzzz! Bzzzzzz! Bzzz bzz bzzzzz!
Linda: You again? Ha ha! Looks like I took you on a little trip. (opens her window) Get back to your family, little fella.
(Close up on Candace)
Candace: Little fella? What of me looks like a little FELLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (she tumbles out the window)

(Song: "Fly On the Wall")
I don't have to tell you it's a negative situation
Once you're in it (you're in it, you're in it)
I mean, you have to beat your wings
12,000 times a minute, yeah

You spit acid on your food
'Cause you can't chew
And when you order from the menu
It's always number 2

But baby, you can see it all (baby, you can see it all)
Baby, you can see it all (baby, you can see it all)
Baby, you can see it all
When you're a fly on the wall
Baby, you can see it all
When you're a fly on the wall (I'm a fly on the wall)

You got compound eyes, you got hairy thighs
Yeah, life ain't easy for common houseflies
Flypaper, bug zappers, swatters and sprays
And if you make it through that, you live all of seven days

But baby, you can see it all (baby, you can see it all)
Baby, you can see it all (baby, you can see it all)
Baby, you can see it all
When you're a fly on the wall (I'm a fly on the wall)

(The song ends as Candace sees Jeremy on the phone)
Candace: (gasp) This is Jeremy's house! And there's Jeremy! At last! A silver lining! I can find out where we're goin' tonight! A girl's gotta know what a girl's gotta wear.
Jeremy: Yeah, it's a total surprise. I'm taking her to the rodeo.
Candace: The rodeo? I love rodeos! Wait, do I love rodeos or is that because I'm a fly?
Jeremy: Oh, hang on, Coltrane, there's a fly in here. Lemme get it.
(Candace screams and dodges a newspaper swatting her. She screams again as she realizes she's being followed by some Fireside Girls with a jar)
Gretchen: There's one!
Holly: C'mon, Fireside Girls!
Ginger: Let's get it!
(Candace buzzes away from the girls)
Holly: Well, girls, there goes our lizard-feeding patch.
Candace: Zzzzzz...zzzzzz! (she lands on a water spout. Close up as she catches her breath) Could this day get any weirder?
Male Voice: Hello.
(Zoom out to reveal the voice came from a fly with a human head on it.)
Candace: Omigosh, were you turned into a fly, too?
Human Fly: Who me? No. I was always a fly. I just got shot with a human-head-inator and...now I got this thing! It's really uncomfortable. How do you walk around with these?
Candace: Tell me about it. Be glad you don't have a freakishly long neck! (She buzzes out of frame)

(Scene shifts to the backyard as the gang exits the tire swing and talk excitedly about it.)
Isabella: That was the most fun ever!
Phineas: Yeah! And let's restock the snack bar and go again!
Baljeet: Now there is something you do not see every day: a fly with orange hair.
(The orange-haired fly lands on Phineas's palm)
Phineas: Orange hair? (takes out a loupe) Uh oh! (POV shot from the loupe to show a really ticked-off Candace fly) Candace has been turned into a fly! (cut back to Phineas) Wait a minute! Did someone take the doohickey out of the thingamawhatsit? (looks aside) Buford?
Buford: Uhhh...oh no! If I catch the mug what did this...Yeah I'm on it! (he walks to the control panel) Okay, I just pull on... (he activates something and a yellow ray shoots out)
(The ray shoots the Candace fly transforming her into an alligator.)
Buford: (offscreen) Whoop! Wrong one!
(The ray shoots the alligator transforming her into a crying baby)
Buford: (offscreen) Not that one!
(The ray shoots the baby transforming her into a squirrel, then the Giant Floating Baby Head, then a sasquatch, then a giant praying mantis, then her human form, then a piece of Red Leicester cheese, then an orange traffic cone)
Phineas: Wa-wait! Go back two!
(The cone is transformed back into the cheese and then back into Candace)
Candace: (gasps, happily) Oh thank you thank you thank you thank you! (exits then enters again, angrily) I mean, you are so busted! (exits again, then enters again, happily) But thank you!
Buford: Took a few tries there! If I weren't thinking, I woulda just pressed this "fly" button. (He presses the fly button, causing the giant tire swing to launch, taking the pedestal with it) Oh, that kind of fly!

(Cut to the sky, where the giant tire swing launches into space, breaking away the pedestal. Cut to space where a shuttle passes the giant pedestal)
Astronaut: Woah, that is so weird! We're in a space shuttle and the shuttle program ended years ago!

(Cut back to the backyard as the gang looks wide-eyed at the sky)
Isabella: I guess that's it. Fun's over.
Phineas: Au contraire. (He pushes a button and the control panel changes into a sorbet machine. He passes out a couple of sorbets to his friends) Sorbet?


(Cut back to Danville Park. Doofenshmirtz and Perry are standing in front of the inator)
Doofenshmirtz: This is great! The best inator I've ever made! And you know what, Perry the Platypus? There's no self-destruct button on this, so there's no way you can stop me from taking over the entire Tri-State— (The giant tire swing lands on his inator before he finishes his statement) Huh. Well, like my Uncle Boris used to say, "When life's goin' well, a giant tire comes along and smashes your inator." We all thought he was crazy at the time, but now it seems rather prophetic.


(Cut back to the backyard where the gang are enjoying their sorbets under the tree)
Buford: I don't get why this stuff is called "sorbet"? Ain't it just a fancy people word for "ice cream"?
Ferb: While ice cream is made from dairy products and turned vigorously with air, sorbet is made entirely out of fancy people.
Buford: Really?
Ferb: No, not really.
Jeremy: Hey, guys! (He comes in dressed in his fancy suit) Is Candace around?
Candace: (offscreen) Hey there, Jeremy! (cut to the sliding door to reveal Candace in a cowgirl outfit, speaking in a western accent) A lil' birdie told me we were goin' to the rodeo!

(Scene shifts to a rather fancy restaurant)
Maitre d': (French accent) Actually, sir, it is pronounced "ro-day-o".
Jeremy: Oh, yeah. My mistake.
Maitre d': (to Candace) May I take your order..."partner"?
Candace: (sighs) I don't suppose it's Dress Like a Cowboy and Get Your Dinner Free Night.
Maitre d': No, madame. That is Tuesdays.

End Credits

(Song: "Fly On the Wall")
I don't have to tell you it's a negative situation
Once you're in it (you're in it, you're in it)
I mean, you have to beat your wings
12,000 times a minute, yeah

You spit acid on your food
'Cause you can't chew
And when you order from the menu
It's always number 2

But baby, you an see it all when you're a fly on the wall

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