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Great Balls Of Water/Transcript

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(Scene opens up with a view of the sun in the sky. Pan down to the backyard with Isabella, Phineas, Perry, Ferb and Buford sitting by the tree.)
Phineas: I think this might be the hottest day on record.
Buford: Wait. (He puts his finger in his mouth, takes it out and the saliva on his finger sizzles.) Yep.
Baljeet: (offscreen) Hi, guys.
Phineas: Hey, Baljeet! How was physics camp?
Baljeet: Positively remedial. How much more basic can you get than the surface tension of water droplets?
Buford: Surfer tension? What's that?
Baljeet: Surface tension is the property which allows molecules of water on its surface to form a sort of stretchy skin, which allows it to retain its shape and durability at a small size.
Phineas: Cool! Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today!
Buford: (watch beeps) Not me.
Baljeet: Really? And what are you doing today?
Buford: With the hurly-burly of my busy social calendar, I often forget to have quality time with my pet goldfish, Biff. (bows) So I shall smell...you later. (he exits)
Baljeet: Wow, "Smell you later" sounds a lot more formal when you bow.
Phineas: Well, Ferb, I know what the rest of us are gonna do today.
Isabella: Speaking of pets, where's Perry?

(Cut to Agent P by the garden shed. He rolls up a section of the lawn revealing a hole, which he dives into. His wristwatch communicator beeps while inside the tunnel.)
Major Monogram: (on watch, whispering) Sorry I can't be there, Agent P, (cut to the watch showing Monogram's eyes) but I'm stuck on jury duty. You'll be getting your mission today from Director Dipthong from accounting. Good luck. (gavel bangs, Monogram pulls away and speaks to the offscreen judge) Uh, uh, no, Your Honor, I'm not speaking on a mobile device. I...I'm talking to...a wart on my hand. (to the watch) Go away, wart! Go away!
(Cut to Agent P's lair as Perry finally lands onto his chair. The screen activates revealing a plain man wearing a military uniform similar to Monogram's only with the initials DD instead of MM on it.)
Director Dipthong: Hello, Agent P. It's me, Director Dipthong...from accounting. Dr. Doofenshmirtz has been buying an exorbitant amount of negative ion generators and negative power cable and I'm positive that it can't be good. (Perry rolls his eyes) Yeah. Eh, so go find out what Doofenshmirtz is up to and put a stop to it. Descending Dipthong! (He sinks down from the screen)
Carl: What are you doing?
Director Dipthong: (going back up) It's my signature sign-off. What do you think? "Descending Dipthong." (sinks down from the screen again)
Carl: I'd stick with accounting.

(Cut back to the Flynn-Fletcher house. Zoom in on Candace's room where she is on the phone)
Candace: Can you believe how hot it is today, Jeremy? Even my dollies are sweatin'! Not that I play with dolls. I just happen to have a couple on my shelf next to my unicorn. Heh. (slaps her forehead in realization of what she just said)
Jeremy: Cool. So what do you wanna do today?
Candace: I don't know. I thought maybe we could head to the mall.
Jeremy: I suppose we could go to the mall again.
(Zoom in on Candace's brain as the words "the mall again" echo.)
Candace's Brain #1: Really? The mall again? Wow, you are so predictable! So ordinary!
Candace's Brain #2: Predictable? Ordinary? I mean, come on! I play 20 instruments!
Candace's Brain #1: Yeah, that all start with the letter "B", as in boring.
Candace's Brain #3: (skipping daffily) Tra la la la la la la la la la la la la la la...
Candace's Brain #2: Who's that?
Candace's Brain #1: Just pretend she's not there. That's what I do.
Jeremy: (offscreen) Candace?
(Zoom back out on Candace)
Jeremy: Candace?! Are you there?
Candace: Uh, yeah. Yes, sorry. Forget the mall. I'm gonna think of something else to do that's really cool and totally different. 'Cause, y'know, I gotta be my unpredictable self, so Candace is out, peace! Uh, y'know what? That's so overused. Candace is out. (daffily) Tra la la la la la la la la (hangs up)
Linda: Candace, I'm on my way to...You know, this feels awfully familiar: I tell you I'm going out, later you'll tell me Phineas and Ferb are up to something, but there's nothing there to see, so we all have pie. Just another ordinary day.
Candace: Ordinary?! Do I ordinarily do this? (She pushes her dollies off the shelf and laughs while ripping the sheets off her bed and goes cuckoo again) Tra la la la la la la la la la la la la la la, Tra la la la la la LA!!!!!
Linda: Like I said, just another ordinary day.

(Cut to D.E.I.)
Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated

(Cut to Doofenshmirtz's lab where he is in a tank top, shorts, and socks, putting together his latest inator.)
Doofenshmirtz: Aw, man, why did I save all the manual labor on my newest inator for the hottest day of the year? I might as well be doing hot yoga up in this piece! Can I get a "what-what?" (no response) Norm, where's my "what-what?"
Norm: I'm sorry, sir. People do not say that anymore.
Doofenshmirtz: How do you stay so current?
(Perry appears on the balcony in his jet pack)
Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus, won't you have a seat? (A chair lying on its back emerges from the floor and traps Perry) That is not not how you sit on a chair! Which means it is! Because I used a double negative! Sure, it's grammatically incorrect, but it's the core of my newest creation: the Double Negative-inator! It takes any negative statement and turns it into a double negative, which...which, in turn, makes it positive, I... Anyway, I...I was dreaming about cold weather because it's been so hot lately and I remembered how much I loved the Minty Wink Eggnog they make at Beverly's Lunch downtown...

(Flashback to Doofenshmirtz at Beverly's Lunch)
Doofenshmirtz: (voiceover) ...so I went out to get one. But then, Beverly told me I couldn't have it because they only make it in the winter. No matter how I begged and pleaded, she stood firm. No Minty Wink Eggnog! Because it's not winter!
(End flashback)

Doofenshmirtz: Ugh! Anyway, once I recovered from the shock, I did what I always do: solve a simple problem by inventing a complicated and menacing machine. All I have to do is blast Beverly with this and bzzt! she'll be like, "Oh, I guess you can have it, 'cause it's not not winter" and, suddenly, I'm drinkin' Minty Wink Eggnog, baby! Perhaps then, I can make myself not not ruler of the Tri-State Area! Huh? Huh? You didn't see that coming, did you? (Perry chatters) Oh, don't be cranky, Perry the Platypus, you can have a Minty Wink Eggnog, too.

(Cut to the backyard where Baljeet, Isabella, Phineas and Ferb are in their swimwear.)
Phineas: Nice work, guys! (Cut to a wide shot of the backyard to reveal a giant ball of water next to them) We'll have no trouble beating the heat with the world's largest drop of water.
Baljeet: Yes! By my calculations, we have effectively strengthened the hydrogen bonds between water molecules, so that the surface tension is virtually unbreakable! In your face, physics camp! Booyah!
Phineas: Come on, gang! Let's surf the surface tension! (Cut to reveal Phineas and Isabella surfing on the giant waterball) Cowabunga!
Isabella: Totally awesome!
(Cut to Ferb who is jet skiing on the water ball. Wide shot to reveal Baljeet and the Fireside Girls also having fun in the giant water ball)

(Cut to Buford's house.)
Buford: (offscreen) Okay. Today's the big day of the Danville Fish Show. (Cut to Buford's bedroom to reveal he's talking to Biff) Are ya nervous? (Close up on Biff who bubbles.) Don't worry about it. It's normal. Just remember today is your day to shine! So we gonna be scared? (as Biff) No, Bufie! (as himself) Are we gonna be tough? (as Biff) Yes, Bufie! (as himself) So let's see whatcha got! (holding a small hoop) So just like we practiced, jump through the hoop. You can do it, buddy! (He moves the hoop around the fish) Jump through the hoop! (He holds up the bowl) Victory!

(Cut to Candace who is walking around Danville talking on her phone)
Candace: What'm I gonna do, Stace? Jeremy wants to spend time with me, but the best thing I could come up with is the mall! That's how boring I am!
(Cut to Stacy)
Stacy: Well, there's a lot more interesting things to do. At least, that's what my mom says.
(Cut back to Candace by a newsstand)
Candace: The café, movie theater...it just all seems so...so ordinary. I just gotta find something cool to do to get me outta my rut. Wanna come along?
(Cut back to Stacy as it is revealed she's standing in front of the mall)
Stacy: Nah, I'm sticking to the mall. It's air-conditioned.
(Cut back to Candace walking)

(Song: Extraordinary)
Candace: (singing offscreen) I want to be extraordinary
Not just extra-ordinary
It seems like everywhere I see
People far more interesting than me

I know that change is kind of scary
But maybe I should try to vary
Some minor detail a small degree
A slightly different version of me...

I could learn to cook vegetarian or take a fashion workshop,
Meditate, calculate, learn to knit a tank top,
Yoga, hula, clogging, jogging, walking on a tightrope,
Take a correspondence course and learn to make my own soap,

Jumping on a pogo stick, standing in a wheat field,
Going on a snipe hunt - gotta keep my eyes peeled,
Take a little time to really decorate my door, and
Change my hair to black and then I'll dye it back to orange,

Underwater taxidermy, shopping for a suitcase,
Peeling tangerines while placing second in a sack race,
Lion taming, online gaming, trying to win a prize fight,
Appearing on a talk show dressed up like a water sprite,

Yeah!
I'm gonna be extraordinary!
I'm gonna stand out from the crowd
And shout out loud
You'll see:
I'll be a brand-new me!

(Cut back to the giant water ball)
Phineas: On your marks, (close up to reveal Holly, Baljeet and Django about to start a race) get set, (blows whistle)...
(The three swim down the ball)
Phineas: Spherical laps! How cool is that? (Ferb gives a thumbs up)
(While the three are racing, the ball begins to move)
Phineas: Awesome! The momentum from the swimming action is causing us to roll! Looks like we're takin' this pool party on the road!
(Everyone cheers as the ball continues to roll down the street.)
Phineas: Hey, you know what? We can totally steer this thing if we paddle opposite the direction that we wanna go!
Isabella: Seems counter-intuitive, but okay.
Phineas: Full speed ahead, Ferb!
(Cut to reveal Ferb back on the jet ski, now joined by Django and Holly also on their own jet skis.)
Phineas: Bumpy street! Dead ahead! (Cut to a street sign that says, "Bumpy St 3300". ) And hang a right onto Zigzag Street! (The water ball zigzags on the zigzag shaped road.) Woah! Loop-de-Loop Street!
(A man falls from a house at the top of the loop)
Man: At least it's rent-controlled! (Crash!) I'm okay. Happens all the time.

(Cut back to D.E.I.)
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, a few more tweaks and I'm ready to double down on some negatives! (Perry escapes from his trap and hits Doofenshmirtz on the head with the chair.) Woah I— (Perry jumps on Doofenshmirtz) That double negative did not make a positive! Ow! Oh, you are gonna get it now! (They run into each other but miss. Doofenshmirtz lands on the controls.) Oh no no n-n-no! Now it's stuck in random fire mode! Don't know why I put that mode on there.

(Cut to Danville Park where Balthazar and three others are playing a game.)
Girl 1: Not it!
Girl 2: Not it!
Boy: Not it!
(Balthazar gets zapped.)
Balthazar: Not not it!
Boy: Get him!
(The others jump on him.)

(Cut to the courthouse where Major Monogram is announcing the verdict.)
Major Monogram: We, the members of the jury, find the defendant (gets zapped) not not guilty, so I guess we find him guilty. (The bailiff cuffs the defendant and takes him away.) Funny, I coulda sworn he was innocent.

(Cut to a road construction site. A guard blows a whistle and then sees the giant ball of water.)
Guard: Hey, can't you see the detour? This is not a through street. (gets zapped) Like I said, it's not not a through street.
(The giant ball of water goes through the not through street.)

(Cut to Candace outside an Electric Salsa dance class building throwing away her Carmen Miranda costume but still wearing her fruit hat.)
Candace: Ugh! This isn't extraordinary! It's just embarrassing!
Phineas: (offscreen) Hey, Candace!
(The giant ball of water rolls by)
Candace: Phineas and Ferb?!
Linda: (offscreen) Thanks, Bobbi. (cut to reveal Linda coming out of Bobbi's Hair Salon) I'll see ya next week.
Candace: (smiles) Mom! (runs up to her) Mom, Mom, Mom!!
Linda: Candace, what on earth is on your head?
Candace: Nevermind that! Phineas and Ferb are rolling through town on a giant ball of water! Come on! (She grabs hold of her mother and runs, while the fruit hat falls off her head, just like her mother predicted.)
Linda: What about your fruit hat?!

(Cut to the Danville Fish Show. We see three tables, one with Mandy, Thaddeus and Thor with their fish, one with Rodney and his fish, and one with Buford and Biff, as well as a judges' table.)
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for our next contestants: Rodney von Roddenstein and his pet piranha, Fluffy, with their hoop trick!
(Fluffy jumps and seemingly chops his owner's hand off. Rodney's hand suddenly seems to grow back.)
Rodney: Tada!
Announcer: What a terrific new twist to a timeless old trick. Let's see what the judges have to say. (The judges put up their scores, 9, 8, and 9) Wow! That puts Rodney and Fluffy in the lead (Cut to Rodney who reveals he had a false hand) and almost impossible to beat! Next up are Buford and his pet goldfish, Biff, with their version of the hoop jump trick. (Buford smiles nervously) Good luck, toppin' that one, guys!
Buford: Okay, Biffy, we're up! (The ground starts to shake) Jump through the—
(Wide shot of the competition as the giant ball of water rolls through it taking the audience, judges, and contestants with it. Cut to Buford as Biff jumps out of his fishbowl. Cut to the public art from "Bubble Boys")
Baljeet: Oh no! Public art! Right ahead!
Isabella: It must be part of the Public Art Relocation Program!
(Everyone screams as the water ball goes to the points. Buford swims up to follow Biff. The water ball pops as all the water splashes into a giant hole in the ground. Buford's arm comes out holding the hoop, which Biff successfully jumps through. The judges come out of the water with their scores: all tens.)
Buford: You did it, Biff! We're number one!
Phineas: Congrats, guys!
Buford: Thanks! I'm gonna put Biff's prize money in a scholarship fund for that fancy fish school in the Maldives!

(Cut to Candace pulling Linda towards the water.)
Candace: Wait until you see this giant ball of water!
Phineas: (offscreen) Hi, guys!
(Point of view shot from Candace at the river.)
Phineas: Come on in! The water's great!
Linda: You're right, Candace. There is a "giant ball of water". Though most people prefer to call it a lake. (walks away)
Jeremy: Wow! A party in the lake? I never would have thought of that! You come up with the best ideas! We can go to the mall tomorrow.
Candace: You really want to go to the mall again?
Jeremy: We're teenagers. It's what we do.

(Cut back to Doofenshmirtz and Perry in their fight.)
Doofenshmirtz: Ha! Ya mi— Ow! (falls backwards breaking a table with water and cupcakes on it) That was refreshing. (Perry puts his foot on a button on the controls and an explosion is seen from the building. Perry makes his escape on his parachute.) Ah, that was not not the self-destruct button. (Cut back to Doofenshmirtz in the mess in his lab.) Ugh! Well, oh, man, once again, the place is trashed! You just take off, leaving me here to clean it all up. (Putting on an apron and getting a broom and dustpan) Does it ever occur to you, Perry the Platypus, how much of a mess is left after one of our little tête-à-têtes? I betcha it never even occurred to you that I keep talking to you for a while after you've gone! I mean, it's probably a sad commentary on my life that I'm wearing an apron and talking to a platypus that's no longer...How long have you been standing there, Vanessa?
Vanessa: (offscreen) Long enough, Dad.

End Credits

(pairing with Cheers for Fears and standalone broadcasts only)
(Song: Extraordinary)
Take a little time to really decorate my door, and
Change my hair to black and then I'll dye it back to orange,

Underwater taxidermy, shopping for a suitcase,
Peeling tangerines while placing second in a sack race,
Lion taming, online gaming, trying to win a prize fight,
Appearing on a talk show dressed up like a water sprite,

Yeah!
I'm gonna be extraordinary!
I'm gonna stand out from the crowd
And shout out loud
You'll see:
I'll be a brand-new me!

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