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Happy New Year!/Transcript

< Happy New Year!

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(The words "Happy New Year!" appear in a twinkling font in the sky; the camera pans down to the Garcia-Shapiros' driveway)
Vivian: Have fun at the party!
Linda: (in her car) Thanks for having the boys over tonight, Vivian.
Vivian: Oh, no problem, Linda. I have all the neighborhood kids tonight.
Candace: (in the back seat of the car) C'mon, c'mon, I don't want to be late for my first grown-up party!
Linda: Heh. Okay, hun. Bye everyone! Happy New Year!
Phineas: Bye guys!
Isabella, Buford, Baljeet, Vivian: Goodbye!
Phineas, Isabella, Buford, Baljeet, Vivian: Happy New Year!
Isabella: We're gonna have so much fun! We've got noisemakers, balloons, confetti...
Vivian: And of course, we'll all stay up till midnight and watch the New Year's Eve ball drop!
Buford: Baljeet's already out! (elbowing Baljeet, who is asleep standing up) Wake up, will ya! You're drooling all over my arm!
Baljeet: You know, saliva is 98% water and the other 2% is made up of very beneficial electrolytes. It is gross, but it is science.
Buford: You're lucky the gross factor outweighs the science factor, or you'd have a one-way ticket to wedgie town!
Phineas: Well, it'll be fun to finally see the ball drop.
Vivian: Oh, it's a wonderful tradition!
Isabella: And, of course, there's the other tradition of kissing someone special at midnight.
Phineas: Well then, I know what we're going to do tonight.
Isabella: Really?
Phineas: Yeah! We're gonna make our own New Year's ball and drop it from outer space!
(Isabella frowns)
Vivian: Your mother is right, Phineas. You have such an active imagination!
Isabella: (dryly) Not active enough.
Vivian: I'm going to make some hot chocolate. You kids come in when you want to warm up. Hey, where's your platypus?


(Perry lifts a patch of ice in the backyard and drops down into his lair)
Major Monogram: (wearing a winter knit cap) Morning, Agent P. Sorry about the cold climate inside your lair; see, the heating system is on the fritz and we had to call a guy in from Aruba, but I can assure you that we are all in the same boat here. (Perry is now completely frozen in ice, except for his bill) You're not alone in this; we are all sharing the pain, and... (a beach ball hits the background, which drops, revealing that Monogram is in Aruba) Heh heh heh, awk-ward.
Carl: Race ya to the wet ski!
Major Monogram: Um, uh, Doof's doing something in City Hall, uh, put a stop to whatever it is. (running after Carl) Hey Carl, I get the blue one!
'(Perry frozenly chatters)


(Scene shifts to the backyard at the Flynn-Fletcher house)
(Song: Quirky Worky Song)
Isabella: Okay, Phineas, we're good to go!
Phineas: Great. Bring her down! How's the soldering going up there?
Baljeet: Ferb is almost done.
Phineas: How are you doing, Buford?
Buford: Why do I have to paint? Painting is for babies and beatniks!
Phineas: That's no ordinary paint. It's a super-sealer that will protect us from the cold, dark vacuum of space!
Buford: Beatnik talk!
Irving: (followed by the Fireside Girls and two other kids, all staring in awe at the ball) Hey, Phineas. Mind if we see the inside?
Phineas: Not at all! (They enter; each room is shown as Phineas mentions it) Check it out! A multi-level New Year's ball with punch bowl sailing...
Isabella: Ahoy!
Phineas: ...balloon room, the bed of a thousand coats, an infinity slide, and through here, the grand ballroom! In other words, a ball within a ball!
Irving: Whoa!
Phineas: Irving?
Irving: (on the infinity slide) How do I get out of here?!


Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!
Norm: Happy New Year!
Doofenshmirtz: Norm, I told you: You don't celebrate 'til midnight, not all day. What if midnight never comes? Then you've squandered a whole day celebrating. Think of that, tough guy? (crashing sound is heard) Perry the Platypus? (the floor opens up below Perry, trapping him in the top of a bottle) Ha-ha! It's a bottle of sparkling cider trap, and you're the cork! Which makes you Perry the Cork-apus! Ha-ha, you got a funny name. Anyway, it's New Year's-themed!
Norm: Happy New Year!
Doofenshmirtz: Not yet, Norm. And on to my plan: I recently learned that in most of the world, there's a tradition where people decide to change something about their lives in the coming year, and they call it "a New Year's resolution." I-I-I had no idea; you see, back in Drusselstein, change was frowned upon. Any change!

(Flashback of young Doofenshmirtz in front of his TV, being closely watched by a guard)
Doofenshmirtz: (voice over) Uh, you couldn't change your channel on your TV,...
(Flashback of young Doofenshmirtz dropping a flower into his pants)
Doofenshmirtz: (voice over) ...you couldn't change your underwear,...
(Flashback of young Doofenshmirtz in jail with two tough-looking criminals)
Doofenshmirtz: (voice over)...and forget about changing your hairstyle; you... you'd end up in jail.
(All three people in jail are shown with odd hairstyles; flashbacks end.)

Doofenshmirtz: But here in the new world, we embrace change! (beat) Apparently. And that's why I came up with the Resolution Changer-inator! Cleverly disguised as a bow tie! When I turn it on at the stroke of midnight, it will make everyone change their resolution from whatever it was, like, I don't know, "I-I'm gonna lose weight," or, "gain a limb," or whatever, to, "I'm going to make Heinz Doofenshmirtz my leader and obey his every command." That will be their new resolution. (puts the Resolution Changer-inator on) All right, Norm, how do I look?
Norm: Like a pharmacist in a bow tie!
Doofenshmirtz: Eh, good enough. Time to go. (Norm blows a noisemaker) You're squandering, Norm!

(Scene shifts to the exterior of City Hall)
Lawrence: (entering the party at City Hall with Linda) Ready to get your party on, dear?
Linda: Do one-legged ducks swim in circles?
Candace: (entering the party with Stacy) Wow, first year with the adults!
Stacy: Yep, we're all grown up now. No more pigtails, dollies, or obsessing over boys.
Candace: From now on, we obsess over men. (Candace and Stacy laugh) And no more busting!
Stacy: Attagirl.
Candace: Yep, I'm sticking to my resolution and turning over a new leaf. Fifteen whole minutes and I haven't thought of Phineas and Ferb. (her eye starts twitching) How they make those things. You know, those big, like, dangerous things they make...
Stacy: Candace...
Candace: Sorry! I'm back, I'm back. Resolution... kicking in. Oh look, here come the boys!
Stacy: You mean men? (Candace and Stacy laugh)
Jeremy: (walking up to them with Coltrane) Ladies.
Stacy: That's us! We're ladies.

(Back at D.E.I., Perry bounces the big sparkling cider bottle repeatedly until the pressure bursts him out and cider sprays into the air)
Norm: Carbonation is fun!

(Scene shifts back to City Hall)
Doofenshmirtz: (entering the party) Hello, Danville! (running up to a man) Hey you there, what's your New Year's resolution?
Mustached man: To update my mustache.
Doofenshmirtz: That's what you think! (walking away) Ha-HA-ha-ha! HA-ha!
Mustached man: I don't know; it seemed achievable.

Candace: (sitting at a table with Stacy) This is so great, being here as an adult. (giggles) Heh-heh. Not like my brothers. Who are kids. Who are probably building something, and it's something big...
Stacy: Candace...
Candace: Big and bustable... Gotta go!
Stacy: Oh no you don't! This is gonna be a new year with a new Candace! Remember?
Candace: (trying to resist, gripping the table) Gotta bust. G-g-g-gotta-g-g-gotta bu-bu-bu-bust! (breaks off two chunks of the table) Bust!
Stacy: (as Candace keeps chattering) It's okay. It's just a temporary relapse.
Jeremy: (walking up with Coltrane, holding a tray with four glasses of sparkling cider on it) Candace? Stacy told me about your New Year's resolution.
Candace: Iiiiii... I need a timeout. I'll be right back!
Jeremy: Relapse?
Stacy: Relapse.

Doofenshmirtz: (to a woman) That's what you think! Ha-HA-ha-ha-ha! Oh, it never stops being... (gasps as Perry enters)
Perry!
Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus? You can't come in here; this is a black-tie affair. (Perry closes the door, then reenters wearing a half of a tux)
Perry again!
Doofenshmirtz: Actually, I guess it doesn't really specify pants anywhere, so I guess you're okay.
Lawrence: (to Linda) Oh, and another little tidbit about the ancient Egyptians (Doofenshmirtz and Perry run past them in the background) is that both men and women wore makeup.
Linda: Just like the '80s.

Candace: (in the ladies bathroom, washing her face with cold water) Hbrbrbrbrbr... Hold it together, girl. You can do this.
Sandwich woman's friend: Hey, I thought your New Year's resolution was to stop eating sandwiches in the bathroom.
Sandwich woman: (eating a large sandwich) But it's not midnight yet, so I can still enjoy this.
Candace: Not midnight yet? That's it! I've actually got an hour left to bust my brothers! (running out of City Hall) I've gotta find out what they're doing! I'll get video. Whoa! Ooh! (slips and falls on a patch of ice) Aah! Aah!! (skids down an alleyway, bounces off a pillow and goes flying) Aah!!! (swings around a street lamp's pole and lands on her feet) Ooh! Huh, that parkour training actually paid off.

(Scene shifts to the interior of the giant ball)
Phineas: All right, let's start this bash in a ball! (pulls a lever)
Kids: Yay! (they all throw confetti)
Candace: (gasping) Huh, huh... (sees the ball rise) No, I missed it! And how am I gonna show Mom?
Irving: (standing next to a camera set-up) No worries! I'm live-blogging the whole event on my podcast! We're trending right now!
Candace: Right now? (into the camera) Hey, all of you out there in Internet Land! Watch closely, because I'm gonna bust Phineas and Ferb. (leaves)
Irving: (into the camera) Hee hee hee! She never busts them. (into the camera again) And Internet Land is not a real place!

(Scene shifts back to City Hall)
Doofenshmirtz: (runs through a curtain into a room filled with coats) What is this, the coat room? (Perry launches himself from behind the coats into Doofenshmirtz, who goes flying into a rack of coats; he emerges with a pink hat and coat on) All right, Perry the Platypus, if you really want to fight, here I a... (Perry kicks Doofenshmirtz into another coat rack) Ooh, Cashmere. Nice.

Candace: (re-enters City Hall, gasping)
Jeremy: Hey, Candace. I got you a glass of sparkling cider.
Candace: Raincheck! This is my last time to bust!
Jeremy: Serious relapse.
Candace: Come on, Irving. (plugs her phone into the wall, switching the video feed to show Phineas and Ferb's ball) Yes! Everyone, can I have your attention please? (everyone turns to face Candace) My brothers and their friends will be dropping from outer space in that giant New Year's ball.
Crowd: Wow!
Man: Amazing!
Woman: Ooh, that's fantastic!
Candace: No, that's not fantastic! It, uh, okay, well, I-I admit it's impressive, but it's still bustable! Mooo-oommmm!!
Woman with pearls: If those were my boys, they'd be so busted.
Candace: Please! Adopt me now! AAAUUUGGGHHH! Mom!

(Scene shifts to the kids' party in the ball)
Phineas: Okay, it's almost midnight, let's go! (pushes lever and the ball drops)
Kids: (scream)

(Back at City Hall...)
Doofenshmirtz: (emerging from the coat room) Ha-HA! You'll never get out of that straitjacket. Why would anyone wear that to a New Year's Eve party? I guess maybe if you were a magician, maybe...
Man and woman: (running out of coat room) Only one minute 'til midnight!
Doofenshmirtz: Time to launch my pla-an! (runs on stage) Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!
(Perry runs out of coat room, removes the straitjacket, and grabs a chair, charging towards the stage with it; Doofenshmirtz gasps, but Perry merely puts the chair on the stage and sits down. He gestures to allow Doofenshmirtz to continue)
Crowd: 10! 9! 8!
Candace: Mom? Mom?
Crowd: 7! 6! 5!
Sandwich woman: (still eating the sandwich) Almost done!
Crowd: 4!
Candace: (sees Linda and Lawrence about to kiss in the courtyard) Mom! It's New Year's! This is no time for kissing!
Crowd: 3! (Phineas and Ferb's ball lands) 2! 1!
(Doofenshmirtz zaps the crowd with the Resolution Change-inator; the ball now reads "HAPPY NEW YEAR")
Crowd: Happy New Year!! (cheers)
Doofenshmirtz: (to Perry) Now watch this. (to crowd) What is everyone's New Year's resolution?
Crowd: To follow you, Heinz Doofenshmirtz, our new leader!
Doofenshmirtz: Ha-HA-ha-ha-ha! Mmmm, so, how does it feel to be a loser, Perry the Platypus? I mean, that's a rhetorical question. 'Course, if anyone should know how it feels, it should be me, but... (to crowd) All right, everyone! Follow me; we're taking over City Hall! (runs out of room; no one follows him, so he comes back in to find the crowd cheering) Hello? What are you doing? Obey me! Hey, wha-what about your resolution?
Man with party hat: (laughing) Everyone knows that no one ever keeps their New Year's resolution.
Doofenshmirtz: That doesn't even make any sense! Why would you make resolutions if you're not ever gonna fol... (to Perry) Did you know about this? You did! You knew about this and you still punched and kicked and pinched me. (Perry shrugs his shoulders) Ah, I guess you're right. That's... that is what we do. (Perry blows a noisemaker) Aw, thank you, Perry the Platypus. (Doofenshmirtz blows the noisemaker) Happy New Year.

(Song: Happy New Year)
Olivia Olson: You know it hasn't been bad
More happy than sad
But I tell you I'm glad
When I think about starting all over again
Yeah, I know what we did
But I don't think about then
That was a moment
But this is another

So I'm not gonna cry
When we say goodbye
To the year that is
Quickly receding
We're not gonna look back
We know we're on the right track
And we all know that time is fleeting
(Time is fleeting)
Time is fleeting

Because you know it's a new year
It's a brand new beginning
Another 365
And the world keeps spinning

It's a new year
It's a time for celebration
The fun has just begun
Yeah, it's gonna be a Happy New Year

(Gonna be a Happy New Year)
(Gonna be a Happy New Year)
Gonna be a Happy New Year
(Gonna be a Happy New Year)
Gonna have a Happy New Year

(remaining lyrics have dialogue over them)
'Cause you know it's a new year
It's a brand new beginning
Another 365
And the world keeps spinning

It's a new year
It's a time for celebration
The fun has just begun
Yes, gonna be a Happy New Year

(the ball launches into space)
Baljeet: What is happening?
Phineas: Is this your doing, bro?
Ferb: "Auld Lang Syne" literally means "old long ago," but I'd rather think of New Year's as an unspoiled universe. (ball explodes into fireworks)
Phineas: I sure hope Candace can see the fireworks.

(Gonna be a Happy New Year)
(Gonna be a Happy New Year)
Gonna be a Happy New Year

Candace: (standing with Jeremy on a balcony, watching the fireworks) You know, I don't know if I'm gonna be able to keep this resolution.
Jeremy: That's okay. I like you just the way you are. Happy New Year, Candace.
Candace: Happy New Year, Jeremy.

(they kiss; fireworks go off reading "HAPPY NEW YEAR")'

End credits

(Song: Happy New Year)
'Cause you know it's a new year
It's a brand new beginning
Another 365
And the world keeps spinning

It's a new year
It's a time for celebration
The fun has just begun
Yes, gonna be a Happy New Year

(Gonna be a Happy New Year)
(Gonna be a Happy New Year)
Gonna be a Happy New Year

Norm: (on D.E.I. balcony, holding an air conditioner; over last two lines of song) Happy New Year! (kisses air conditioner) Mwah!

(Gonna be a Happy New Year)
Gonna have a Happy New Year

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