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Hide and Seek/Transcript

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(Scene opens up showing the Flynn-Fletcher house, while it's raining.)
Na, na, na
Linda: Phineas, Ferb? I'll be over at Vivian's house for a few hours. You kids have fun.
Buford: What kind of fun can we have when it's raining?
Isabella: We could talk about our feelings.
Buford: Okay, I'll rephrase it. What kind of fun can we have when it's raining?
Baljeet: I would not mind talking about my feelings.
Buford: (Punches Baljeet) How do you feel now?
Baljeet: (Whimpers) In pain.
Buford: There, we're done. I guess that was fun.
Off-Screen Voice: How about a game of hide and seek?
Phineas: Who said that?
(View switches to a boy sitting on the couch)
Boy: I did!
Phineas: Who are you?
Boy: Allow me to introduce myself. (Walks over to Phineas and Ferb) I'm Irving. I'm your biggest fan! (Chuckles)
Phineas: How long have you been sitting there?
Irving: A couple hours. My horoscope says I'm a background type. (Raises book entitled "P & F") Check it out. I've kept a scrapbook of your adventures. (Opens book to a picture of Phineas, Ferb and co. on the rollercoaster) This is the time you built that rollercoaster . (Flips page to Phineas and Ferb on a Chariot at Paul Bunyan's Pancake Haus) And this is the time you built those chariots. (Flips to picture of Phineas and Ferb in the kitchen with Irving in the background) And this is when you had that soup .
Baljeet: (Scoffs) Oh, what a nerd.
Phineas: Is that a lock of Ferb's hair?
Irving: (Snatches book back) Don't touch it.
Phineas: Irving suggested hide and seek.
Buford: Isn't the house a little too small to play a good game of hide and seek?
Ferb: Perhaps the problem is not that the house is too small, but that we are too big.
Phineas: He's right! You kids hang tight while Ferb and I use the technology from our submarine adventure to make a new shrinking machine. Ferb, I know what we're going to do today!
(Irving squeals in excitement)
Irving: (reverently) You said the words. Hey, can I say the Perry thing?
Phineas: Wha?
Irving: You know, when you say "Where's Perry?"
Phineas: O...kay.
Irving: Where's Perry? Ah, oh wait, wait, I can do better. Where's Perry? Where is Perry? Wherefore art thou Perry? I wonder where that Perry went.
(Everyone starts backing away from him)
Irving: Oh, where is that platypus? Where the P-man at?

(Scene switches to Perry's lair)
Major Monogram: Good morning Agent P. We've received some disturbing calls from Doofenshmirtz.
(Recording of Doofenshmirtz's call)
Doofenshmirtz: Hello? Monogram...are you home? If you're home, please pick it up. Pick it up. Hello? Oh, I hate these machines. Okay, listen. I'm being evil and I need Perry the Platypus to come over and stop me. (Beep) Wait-- wait, did I hear a beep? Did the machine just cut me off? Oh-ah-oh I don't know what to do. You know what, I'm just going to call back.
Major Monogram: I want you to find out what he's up to and--
(Beeps; recording starts again)
Doofenshmirtz: Hello? I-- I think your machine cut me off before, what I was saying---
Major Monogram: Find out what Doofenshmirtz is up to and put a stop to it.
(Doofenshmirtz continues rambling in the distance; Major Monogram groans)

(Scene switches back to Phineas and Ferb running over to their friends)
Phineas: Here it is, a shrinking machine. Now, everybody touch the top of the machine.
(Everyone puts their hands on the machine's antenna. Whirring noise as everyone shrinks)
Isabella: Wow! We're really tiny! Phineas, your coffee table is huge!
Buford: (Chuckling) Look at this pencil.
Baljeet: Somebody take a picture of me next to this dust bunny!
(shutter clicks as Ferb jumps on the shutter of the large camera)
Baljeet: Phineas, this is amazing! Everybody should shrink.
Isabella: Get teeny.
Irving: Get tiny.
Phineas: Be small!
(Song: "When You're Small")
When you're small, every sink is a swimming pool
When you're small, a spare button's a base
Phineas: (As Baljeet slides in) Safe!
When you're small, everyone's gonna think you're cool
Cause you're the only one who fits through a grate!

When you're small, a kitchen sponge is a trampoline
When you're small, your dad's comb is a jail
Oh, when you're small every TV's a movie screen
And your goldfish is a great orange whale

You can climb inside a paper airplane
And fly yourself down the hall
Every puddle's a lake, every crumb is a cake
And there's never any reason to crawl
Baby, when you're small! (X2)

Doofenshmirtz Evil Incor---
(Perry bursts through Doofenshmirtz's door)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, Perry the Platypus, you caught me. I've been putting recyclable trash in the regular trash bin; I am so bad! You've taught me a valuable lesson. From now on, I'll be green. I'll be all the shades of green. (places circular device on Perry's back under pretense of patting it as he sees Perry out) They will call me El Verde, and tell my tale in Greenland. Goodbye now, drive safe, and thanks for busting down my door. I deserved it!

Phineas: Alright gang, we can start that game of hide and seek now.
(Ground shakes)
Isabella: What's that?
Baljeet: (Yells) Earthquake!
Phineas: No, it's Candace. Hey, Candace is it! Everybody hide!
Candace: (On the phone) Stacy, the bow is totally cute. It's your signature look. You have the bow, and I have (Pause) some weird metal contraption in the living room. (Runs up to it) Stace, I'll call you back. This thing was obviously made by Phineas and Ferb, so it must do something.
Isabella: (Running with Phineas) Phineas, look, on the umbrella stand!
Phineas: It's Baljeet!
Baljeet: Oh no, she found me. I guess I'm it! (Screams as Candace opens the umbrella catapulting Baljeet to the ceiling, onto the lamp)
Phineas and Isabella: Baljeet?
Baljeet: I'm okay!
(Door shuts as Candace leaves)
Phineas: We gotta get that shrinker back!
Irving: You guys always have a plan.
Phineas: We don't have a plan.
Irving: What?
Phineas: We'll just have to wing it.
Irving: There's no winging, there's no winging in the book. You guys have just been improvising this whole time? (Dramatically) Oh, how heroes fall!
Baljeet: Hey guys! Remember me? Up here with the dead flies?
Phineas: Sit tight, Baljeet! We'll have you down as soon as we can.
Baljeet: How can I sit tight? With that air conditioner up there freezing me! (Teeth chattering) So cold. So cold.

Doofenshmirtz: Activate bug eye-bot. (The bug eye-bot activates) Yes, my little robot eye, find Perry's address for me. That's right, walk towards the front door so I can see the number. Oh, it will be so delicious to know where Perry lives. I can ring his doorbell...and run away! (Laughs maniacally) (Cut to Candace running to the Garcia-Shapiro household, she knocks on the door)

Candace: (singsong) Hey Mom?! I want to show you something! (normal voice, looks back) Yep, I'm one step ahead of you boys, one step. What the heck is this (presses antenna, shrinks) THIIIIIING! (Gasps) I'm shrunk! (Crashing noise as the shrinking machine falls next to her) Where's the reverse button?
(Door opens)
Vivian: Hello? Hello? I could have sworn I heard someone kno-- (Gasps) Oy. That's not a good place to put a toy.
(Candace screams as she is lifted up with the shrink machine and falls back down)
Candace: Mrs. Garcia-Shapiro! It's me, Candace! Helloooo!? (Screams and falls off ledge, onto the grass) Guess I deserve this for trying to be one step ahe-- (Screams, as she bumps into a growling caterpillar, which is shown to really be harmless after she runs away)

Isabella: Phineas, we've got to get to that machine across the street.
Irving: (Groaning) What's the point? We're vacuum bag filler.
Buford: Thanks for that, Captain Bring-Down.
(Group screams as Doofenshmirtz's bug descends upon them)

Doofenshmirtz: What? Some kiddie TV show? Agh, the signal must have gotten switched. (Presses buttons) Aw, and now I've lost the picture entirely. (Pause) Hm. I hope it doesn't go rogue.

(Mechanical bug makes whirring noises as it malfunctions and staggers about; group runs away)
Phineas: What is that thing? Did we ever make mechanical bugs?
Irving: There's nothing in the book.
Phineas: Okay everyone, split off now!
(Mechanical bug crashes into the leg of the kitchen table, causing a basket of sewing materials to fall down)
(Isabella trips and screams as the bug comes closer to her. Phineas comes swinging in on a thread and needle saving her. He deposits her on the coffee table and she looks on as he lands on the ground)
Phineas: Thread 'em and throw 'em guys!
Buford: Come on, Fanboy, you want to live forever?
Irving: Is that an option?
(Everyone runs and throws their thread across the bug's body. Irving gives a battle cry as he runs, but crashes into the leg of the table, still holding his needle)
Irving: (As Isabella jumps down, pulls out the needle embedded in the table leg, and takes over for him; faintly) I'm okay.
Phineas: Great job, Isabella.
Isabella: Thank you very much.
Buford: (War cry) Yeah! Yeah! (screams. He rips off the bug's robotic eye and holds it above his head before throwing it down to the ground)
Phineas: I couldn't have said it any better myself.

(Candace groans as a rain drop falls on her. Pinky the Chihuahua comes up behind her, growling. Candace runs)
Isabella: That was awesome, Phineas.
Irving: Yeah, but guys? We're still small. What now?
(Ferb is on the bug's head and rearranges some of its wires, causing it to sprout wings)
Phineas: Ferb, you're a genius! Everyone on?
Irving: (Taking a picture) Hey, I don't have to digitally insert myself.
Buford: Go tell it to your blog.
Isabella: Let's get Baljeet.
Isabella and Phineas: Baljeet?
Isabella: Where is he?
Phineas: I don't see him.
Buford: Look over there, something's moving!
(One of the dead flies begins to move, it breaks open as Baljeet appears out of its back, dripping with fly guts)
Everyone but Ferb: Ewww!
Baljeet: I did what I had to do to survive!

(Candace is still in the Garcia-Shapiro front yard, being terrorized by Pinky. The gang flies by on the robot bug)
Isabella: Pinky, no! Down! Bad dog. Where are your manners?
(Pinky wanders off)
Phineas: How are you doing there, short stuff?
Candace: Phineas, thank goodness!

(They are flying Candace has joined them on the robot's back)
Candace: Who smells like fly guts?
Baljeet: I had to survive, okay?
(The gang flies into the house through the doggy door and Pinky follows. They land on the island counter in Isabella's kitchen)
Phineas: Come on! Hands on!
(They touch the antenna of the shrinking machine and are return to their normal sizes)
Isabella: All right, Phineas!
Irving: Cool!
Baljeet: Yay, Phineas!
Irving: You did it, Ferb!

(Cut to the living room)
Vivian: Isa, is that you?
Isabella: (offscreen) Yeah, Mom!

(Cut back to the kitchen)
Candace: You guys are so busted! Wait 'til Mom sees this! (runs off) Moooom?!
Irving: (Giggles) She's gonna go get your mom!
Phineas: ...What?

Doofenshmirtz: (Pounding his computer screen) Ohh. Work! Work!
(Perry is awakened by the pounding noise coming from the robot eye, which is still lying on the floor where Buford tossed it, and slips his fedora on)
Doofenshmirtz: Come on. Ooh, hey, random pounding works. Oh good, we're back on the Perry show.
(Perry holds the robot eye up to his own)
Doofenshmirtz: Ahhh! All right, Perry the Platypus, could you just do me a favor and hold this up to the street address in front of-
(Perry crushes the robot eye between his fingers, removes his fedora, and returns to sleep)

(Cut to Isabella's living room)
Candace: Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom! You gotta see something in the kitchen! (grabs her arm and drags her, only to spill her coffee) Come on, come on, come on, come on!
Linda: Okay, Candace.

Doofenshmirtz: You think you're so clever, Perry the Platypus. But for the first time in my life I can actually use a self-destruct button that I have installed! Prepare to be vaporized, Perry the Platypus!
(Doofenshmirtz presses the self-destruct button)

(The flying bug robot and the shrinking machine vaporize just before Candace runs in)
Candace: See, Mom?! See, see?! (Sees nothing on the counter) WHAT?!! But it was right here!!! I swear there was this machine...and we were tiny...but then we got bigger... (rest is under) and, and...
Linda: (with disdain, overlapping) Oh, teenagers.
Vivian: Hormones, all it is.

Doofenshmirtz: Well, that's done. And no comeuppance.
(Pause. A sad violin plays in the background)
Why do I feel so empty?

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