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(Scene opens at the Flynn-Fletcher house)
Phineas: So, what's the plan today, Dad?
Lawrence: Well, your mother's jazz trio has a gig at the Mayor's Day festivities, and I shall be running the antiques auction, oh yes! I'm very excited because we have a collection of steamrollers on the block, all imported from England.
Candace: You're kidding. There's a market for that?
Lawrence: Oh, you'd be surprised, what with Steamroller Today magazine and Wacky Steamroller videos posted on the Internet. The public is going crazy for the flattening arts.
Candace: Pfff. People and their silly trends. (to Linda) Hey, Mom, can I get a pink streak in my hair?
Linda: Why would you do that?
Candace: To express my individuality! Everyone's doing it!
Linda: No! (to Lawrence) Alright, well, I'm all set. I've got my lucky guitar strings, wearing my lucky underwear, and, of course, I've got...
(She digs a golden guitar pick out of her pocket, but it goes flying through the air and slides into the crack between floor and wall)
Linda: Oh, no! My lucky gold guitar pick! (Gets down on all fours to peer into the crack) It's wedged in the wall.
Lawrence: Oh, here. Try my lucky butter knife.
(He hands the knife to Linda and she pokes it into the crack, but it's too short)
Linda: Oh, it's too far in. (Stands) You gave me that for our anniversary.
Lawrence: Oh, don't worry, love. I'll get a contractor in here to retrieve it.
Linda: I hate the idea of someone cutting a hole in my nice wall. Well, I can't worry about it right now. I've got music to make!
Lawrence: Whoa, yes, we'd better go. See you kids at the festival later, okay?
Phineas/Candace: Good luck!
Phineas: I know what we're gonna do today, Ferb! Hey! Where's Perry?
(Perry sneaks into the kitchen and spits into a spitoon vase.)
Computer: Computer authorizing DNA, one moment please. Access granted.
(Agent P arrives in the lair)
Major Monogram: Morning, Agent P. How do you like the new spitoon lair entrance? (Beat) Anyway, your mission. Mayor Roger Doofenshmirtz is being honored today with a statue at the Mayor's Day Festival. (Background of screen becomes a weather map with Heinz's and Roger's faces on it.) Considering Doofenshmirtz's hatred for his brother, the forecast suggests mild tomfoolery with a sixty percent chance of slapstick violence. Good luck, Agent P. Now on to Tom Perkins with sports.
(In the garage. Ferb is holding a silver ball. Isabella, Baljeet, and Buford enter)
Phineas: We're done, Ferb.
Isabella: Whatcha doin'?
Phineas: We just built a device that temporarily scrambles your molecules so you can pass through solid objects. Let's see if it works.
♪ When there's an obstacle in my way, ♪
♪ I don't let it ruin my day ♪
♪ And I don't walk around it ♪
♪ Like other people do. ♪
♪ You can scramble my molecules ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm just passin' through! ♪
♪ If there's an immovable object in front of you, ♪
♪ Takin' up the entire street, ♪
♪ Don't skirt around the edge, ♪
♪ Don't go over it or under it. ♪
♪ Never admit defeat! ♪
♪ Let's say you're in a big brick room ♪
♪ With no windows or doors, ♪
♪ A cast-iron ceiling and a concrete floor. ♪
♪ I got a quantum-physical solution just for you! ♪
♪You just scramble them molecules ♪
♪You're just a-passing through! ♪
♪ So just scramble them molecules ♪
♪ You're just passing through. ♪
Phineas: Hey we almost forgot, we have to get that pick for Mom! I'll be right back. (phases through wall)
(Candace's walking into the room talking on her phone. She picks up an apple from the counter.)
Candace: So I asked Jeremy if he was going to the festival and he's like "Yeah, are you going to the festival?" and then I go...
(She notices Ferb, Isabella, Baljeet, and Buford staring at the blank wall that Phineas passed through)
Ferb, Isabella, Baljeet, Buford: (without looking around) Hey.
(Camera switches between Candace and the group a couple times in silence. Phineas finally phases back through the wall)
Phineas: Got it.
Candace: (drops the apple in her hand in shock) ...Call you back Stacy.
Phineas: (puts ball on the table) Hey Candace, we're heading out to the festival. See ya!
Candace: (takes out phone and dials) Mom?
Linda: (on stage at the festival) Hello? Candace?
Candace: Mom, I know this sounds crazy. I mean, no crazier than all my other calls. You've got a gig, you're upset about losing your lucky pick. Like, you're going to come home now and see what I'm rambling on about. No, you know, I should bring the ball to you! Yeah that's a good idea. Mom, forget this call ever happened. Bye! (hangs up)
Linda: (deafened by the music) What?
♪ Doofenshmirtz flatbed microbus! ♪
Doofenshmirtz: (talking to a Perry bobblehead) You see bobblehead Perry the Platypus, I have created a powerful -inator that will deface anything it contacts! Including my brother Roger's statue that's being unveiled at today's festival. It's going to humiliate him! Isn't that genius, bobblehead Perry the Platypus? (flicks the bobblehead)
♪ Bobblehead Perry the Platypus! ♪
Doofenshmirtz: (seeing the bobblehead bounce) Oh yes, so you agree. You know, I miss our little talks, don't you? Oh, what do you know anyway? (throws bobblehead out the back window)
(Scene change to the Flynn-Fletcher house)
Candace: (picks up the phasing ball) Walk through walls eh?
(Candace walks into the wall without activating the ball. She falls back onto the floor.)
Candace: Okay, now I'm mad. (activates the ball and walks through the wall) You've outdone yourselves boys. Wait 'til Mom sees this.
(Scene change to the town hall)
Roger Doofenshmirtz: Citizens of Danville, it is an honor to be your mayor and a pleasure to serve.
Doofenshmirtz: (getting out of the microbus) Oh, no, Roger, it is I who will be serving you.
(Doofenshmirtz closes the door, which swings open. He slams the door a second time, but it swings open again.)
Doofenshmirtz: Hm... okay, push up and...
(The door closes and locks. Doofenshmirtz glances through the window and notices the keys in the ignition.)
Doofenshmirtz: Those are my keys, aren't they? (On the phone) No, I don't have my card. Yes, the keys are still in there and it's running. (Engine shudders to a stop.) Okay, now it's not running; now I need gas... Forty-five minutes huh?... (Sighs) Well I'm not going anywhere. (Puts phone away) Eh, well at least I can get my -inator. (Aims the -inator.)
Roger Doofenshmirtz: As we get closer to unveiling this perfect replica of my body...
(Perry appears in the -inator's sights)
Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Plat...! (gets punched by Perry) Hey!
(Perry notices the discarded bobblehead replica of himself)
Doofenshmirtz: What? That's a... it's an arts and crafts project! I've got a life outside of you!
(Perry and Doofenshmirtz fight. Doofenshmirtz slips on the bobblehead Perry and kicks it onto the self-destruct button. -Inator explodes.)
Doofenshmirtz: Curse you Perry the bobblehead!
(Phineas, Ferb, Isabella, Baljeet, Buford biking to the festival. Isabella slows down.)
Isabella: Oh no! Bummer, I have a flat!
Phineas: No problem, we can fix it.
(Scene change to the steamroller auction)
Lawrence: And now, ladies and gentlemen, what you've all been waiting to bid on. I give you, the antique steamrollers! (crowd cheers)
Crowd member: They're so beautiful! (cries)
Wilbur Wilkins: Steamrollers stink!
Orville Wilkins: Yeah, pump trolleys rule!
Old lady: (gasps) It's the Wilkins brothers!
Old man: Just ignore them Arlene. They try to cause trouble at every steam-powered antique auction in the Tri-State Area.
Lawrence: Shall we start the bidding?
(Candace bikes towards the festival with the phasing ball. She passes Phineas and Ferb fixing Isabella's flat tire.)
Phineas: Hey Candace!
Candace: Enjoy your last moments of freedom, boys!
(Scene change to Doofenshmirtz's flatbed microbus)
Doofenshmirtz: Well, you might have destroyed Plan A, but behold! (Another -inator rises from the bus) Plan B! (Pushes a button and the -inator explodes) Which I have just destroyed, so now we're even. But not even I am prepared for Plan C! (Third -inator rises from the flatbed) Behold! The Be-Gone-Inator! How do you like me now Perry the Gone-a-pus?
(Perry dodges and the Be-Gone-Inator disintegrates a tree.)
Doofenshmirtz: Eh, so I missed. Oh whatever, I have a bigger bother to be-gone. Goodbye, stupid Roger statue!
(Perry kicks Doofenshmirtz out of the seat and moves the Be-Gone-Inator; the beam hits a House of Mirrors and bounces around the mirrors.)
Lawrence: And Lot Number 2 is a little beaut from Aveling & Porter built in 1924. Do I have any bids?
Crowd: I do! I do! I do! Here!
Orville Wilkins: Nobody's paying a lick of attention to us Wilbur.
Wilbur Wilkins: Yeah! Let's get out of here.
(The pump-trolley grazes against a steamroller and the steamroller starts rolling backward off the hill towards where Ferb is pumping Isabella's bike's tire)
Baljeet: (Impatiently) So how long does it take you to fix a flat? Tick tock!
Candace: (Running through the festival) Excuse me. Pardon me. Coming through!
(Candace trips on a rock, falls into a porta potty door, and is stuck with her head and one hand through the door. The phase ball flies out of her hand. Cut back to the bottom of the hill with Phineas, Ferb, Isabella, Buford, and a visibly impatient Baljeet as the steamroller approaches them. The group is oblivious to the machine as they remain fixated on Ferb re-inflating Isabella's tire.)
Baljeet: Aghh! You can build a rollercoaster in a day, but it takes you 12 minutes to pump up a tire?
(Phase ball bumps into the group and the incoming steamroller phases through them.)
Baljeet: Did anybody else just see the inside of a steamroller?
Buford: How do you know what the inside of a steamroller looks like?
Baljeet: I have a life outside of you!
Phineas: Well, the tire's fixed.
(The group bikes away. The steamroller rolls back up the hill to its original Lot position, crushing the phase ball in the process)
Lawrence: And Lot Number 5 is sold to the woman in red. And now the last item of the day: we have Lot 6. Do I have any bids?
Candace: (struggling to get the door off of the porta potty stall, while Balthazar gives her a high five) Mom!
(Candace runs off with the door still stuck around her neck)
(Doofenshmirtz tackles Perry out of the Be-Gone-Inator's seat. The Be-Gone-Inator beam bounces off the rearview mirror of the flatbed and disintegrates itself.)
Doofenshmirtz: Hmm... what are the odds?
Phineas: Hey mom! I'm glad we caught you. Ferb and I found your lucky gold pick.
Linda: Oh boys! Thank you! What a relief; I just hate playing without it.
Candace: Mom! Mom! Look at this! Look at me!
Mrs. Garcia-Shapiro: Linda! We're on!
Linda: Candace, I've gotta go. And just because I won't let you get pink hair, you don't have to wear some weird door. The trends these days...
Candace: But, but!
Phineas: (walking away) Cool door Candace. (to the others) Let's get a good spot.
Buford: I'd wear a door. Heck, I'd even wear a window if it'd fit.
Jeremy: (walking past the group) Hey guys.
Candace: Oh no! Jeremy!
Jeremy: You seen Candace?
Phineas: She's standing in the door.
Candace: Oh no! Oh no! Jeremy can't see me like this. Oh my g..! Oh no! (winds the door's toilet paper around her head)
(The beam from the first -inator bounces out of the House of Mirrors and disintegrates the door off of Candace)
Candace: ...and four. And breathe. Whew, just doing some stretching. Oh hi Jeremy!
Jeremy: So, our moms are going to start playing when they unveil the statue. Wanna go?
Candace: (dreamily) Sure.
Roger Doofenshmirtz: And now, without further ado! (Statue is unveiled; crowd cheers; band starts playing.)
Phineas: Well Ferb, it looks like everything worked out for everyone today.
Doofenshmirtz: (standing with Perry on his flatbed, balanced on the edge of the cliff) I can't believe nothing worked out for me today. After... I.. I had a A, B, and C and they all... 'course I destroyed the B so...
(Perry jumps off. The flatbed tilts and rolls down the cliff with Doofenshmirtz on it.)
Doofenshmirtz: Hey where are you going? Curse you Perry the Platypus! (Rolls past the Wilkins brothers)
Wilbur Wilkins: Hey look at that! A pump-less pump trolley!
Orville Wilkins: Now that's old school.