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Ladies and Gentlemen, Meet Max Modem!/Transcript

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(Scene opens up in the Flynn-Fletcher living room. Candace, Phineas, Ferb and Perry are watching television)
Narrator: This week, we ask "Where Did They Go?" about Pop Stars from the 80's... First up, this perky pop-star stole a One Wonder Hit by declaring "I'm Lindana and I Wanna Have Fun."
Candace: Hey, she looks familiar.
Narrator: Lindana's real name is Linda Flynn-Fletcher and she's now living in the Tri-State Area.
Candace: What? Mom, mom, mom!
Phineas: I can't believe she didn't know that.
(Candace then runs to Linda)
Candace: Mom, mom, mom, mom! You never told me you were a pop star!
Linda: Oh yeah! Well, that was long before you were born. It was fun, but I was happy to give it up to raise a family.
Candace: But you were Lindana and you wanted to have fun!
Linda: Well, now I'm Linda and I wanna stir broth.
Phineas: (holding a cell phone) Mom, it's for you. He says he's a concert promoter.
Linda: Really?

(Screen switches to Linda on the phone)
Linda: An '80's revival concert featuring Lindana? Well, I don't know.
Candace: Are you crazy?!? Say yes!!!
Linda: Candace, it's been so long.
Candace: Come on! It'll be fun! And you'll be cool! And by extension, I'll be cool! (She smiles.)
Linda: Oh, what the heck? (on phone) I'll do it!
Candace: (jumping) Woohoo!
Phineas: Way to go, Mom!
(Ferb holds up a sparkler.)
Lawrence: Yes, oh, yes, good on ya, honey. (chuckles)

(Screen switches to Linda in a limo talking to her husband and sons)
Linda: Okay, then, dinner's in the oven. Just heat it up. Bye!
(She waves and rolls the window up while Lawrence waves back.)
Candace: (popping out of the sunroof with her fists in the air) Rock and roll!
(The limo drives away.)
Lawrence: Oh, I was afraid that a day like today would come someday…today.
Phineas: Whadaya mean, Dad?
Lawrence: Oh, your mother's going to meet a lot of exciting and cool people. What if I'm…I'm no longer cool enough for your mum? I'm hardly a rock star, am I? (walking away sadly) I"m afraid I'm hopelessly nerdy.
Phineas: (to his stepbrother) You know, Dad may be a little geeky for the new century, but in the '80s, the rise of the synthesizer allowed even hopeless nerds to rock the charts.
Ferb: Phineas, I know what we're going to do today!
Phineas: Yes. Yes, you do. Hey, where's Perry?

(Cut to Perry on the couch. He puts on his fedora. The sofa cushion flips and he goes under. Cut to Agent P's lair. Some loose change and cash falls out of the chute followed by Agent P.)
Major Monogram: Ah, Agent P, there you are. Dr. Doofenshmirtz has been spotted playing with a hoop. See what he's up to. (Perry looks scornfully at Monogram.) That's it. That's all we got.
(Agent P straps on a backpack. A spring emerges from under his chair and he launches up out of the cellar doors and into the sky. He presses a button and his hang-glider is released from the backpack. He ejects from the hang-glider into D.E.I.)
Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus, (hula hooping) as you can see I've been struck by hooping fever. Go ahead, try it. (Perry starts hooping) Like this, yeah. Now do this, with your arms down. (Perry does so and the hoop traps him.) Oh, finally! My hips were about to fall off. Behold, the Alien-inator! It's a projector that will transmit holographic images of space aliens onto the steps of the Tri-State Capital. Then, when everyone is scared witless, I will emerge in my king of the aliens costume and seize control of the entire Tri-State Area. Hee hee! I'm gonna go put it on.

(Cut to Linda and Lawrence's bedroom.)
Phineas: Ladies and gentlemen, presenting that '80s superstar, Max Modem!
(Cut to a closet door with a silhouetted Lawrence. Lights up on Lawrence who is now in a blond wig, wearing a dark pair of shades and in a cyan-shaded jumpsuit with the letter "M" on it, a belt also with the letter "M" on it, white gloves, and black boots.)
Lawrence/Max: You know, I feel strangely comfortable like this. But how can I be a rock star if nobody's ever heard of me?
Phineas: We're not trying to make you into a rock star. We're trying to make you into a has-been. That's much easier.

(Cut to an exterior shot of Danville Arena.)
Stage Manager: (offscreen) Can I have Bag Your Face onstage for your sound check, please?
(Cut to backstage where Linda and Candace walk in.)
Candace: Mom, this is so cool! I've dressed like half of these people here for Halloween! So what do we do now?
Linda/Lindana: If I remember correctly: hair, makeup, wardrobe and a photo session.
Candace: A photo session?!
(They walk into a door with the sign "MAKEUP TALENT ONLY" on it.)
Linda/Lindana: The life of a rock star. Oh, it does have it's charms.

Montage: While "I'm Lindana and I Wanna Have Fun!" plays in the background, Candace and Linda get made up. The scene transitions into a photo session. We then see Linda signing the photos of herself and Candace as Lindana. Candace then adds "'s daughter" and a heart to the signatures.

(Cut back to Doofenshmirtz's lab.)
Doofenshmirtz: Are you ready? Don't peek. (Doofenshmirtz appears wearing an alien costume with a small crown on its head, a cape, and an inexplicable tan.) Ta-da! What, nothing? Wow, tough room.

(Cut to the Flynn-Fletcher garage. Phineas and Max Modem are standing with synthesizers.)
Phineas: Okay, Dad, show me what you got.
Lawrence/Max: Right ho!
(Max plays an organ riff.)
Phineas: Woah! Cut cut cut! That's a little too '70s for the '80s. Just check out Ferb.
(Cut to Ferb standing in front of three synthesizers, a synth-pad drum kit, and a sound mixing board. He pushes a button and a bass riff plays.)
Phineas: See, Dad? It's cool to show no effort. Let the technology and machines do the work. (All three push a button on their synths adding to the bass) Primo, Dad! I think you're ready for the big time!
Lawrence/Max: Correction: I am ready to have once been part of the big time.

(Cut back to Danville Arena. The doors open and Max Modem appears with Phineas and Ferb dressed as his security.)
(Song: "What Do It Do?" (instrumental))
Phineas: Make way for Max Modem!
Man 1: Max Modem?
Man 2: Never heard of him.
Man 3: Didn't he do that song?
Woman 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah! I love that song!
Man 4: Oh, I think I had one of his 45s!
Woman 2: I had all his albums!
Man 5: How did he ever land here!
Woman 3: I sang backup for him in Prague!
All: (chanting) Modem! Modem! Modem! Modem!
(Candace and Lindana follow them.)
Candace: Mom, who is that guy?
Lindana: I don't know, but he does seem kind of familiar in a nerdy sort of way.

(Cut back to Doofenshmirtz and Perry.)
Doofenshmirtz: Alright, Perry the Platypus, (leading his nemesis to the inator) let's start by placing you right here. There you go. And then, I'll set the timer here. Mustn't forget to open the roof; (cut to an exterior shot of D.E.I. as the roof opens) a little something we learned from the Diarrhea-inator debacle. Right, Perry the Platypus? And set the timer for ten minutes so I can get to the steps of the Tri-State Capital building in time to lead my alien army! Ha! Oh, and don't get any bright ideas about thwarting me while I'm gone, because this inator, it's got a few tricks up its sleeve.

(Cut to the stage of Danville Arena. The crowd can be heard chanting "Lindana!". Cut to the stage. Lindana is bringing her daughter onstage next to her backup singers.)
Candace: But I should be in the wings, Mom. The show's about to start.
Lindana: I wouldn't be here without you, honey. You backed me up all the way. So it's only right that you should back me up onstage.
Candace: Me? Sing?
Lindana: Just relax. You'll do fine.
(Candace gives a thumbs up as the band cues up her hit and the curtain opens.)

(Song: "I'm Lindana and I Wanna Have Fun!")
Lindana: I'm not Roxanne, I'm not Eileen, I'm not Sharona,
And I don't wanna study, work or stay at home-a,
Singers: She's Lindana...
Lindana: I'm Lindana and I wanna have fun!
Singers: She wants to have fun
Lindana: I'm Lindana and I wanna have fun!
Singers: She's Lindana
Lindana: I'm Lindana and I wanna have fun!
Singers: She wants to have fun
Lindana: I wanna, wanna, wanna have
Singers and Lindana: Fun fun fun!

(Cut to Max Modem backstage speaking over the song)
Max Modem: Look at her, boys, she's magnificent.
Phineas: And you will be, too, Dad. Gentlemen, let's get our nerd on!
(The three go behind the curtain, but not before Max takes one last peek at his wife singing.)

(Cut to Danville City Hall. Doofenshmirtz flies down in his rocket-powered jet skiff.)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, good, I'm early! And a killer parking space, too! Score! Time to set up.
Passerby: Nutjob.
Doofenshmirtz: Now let's see. Take over the Tri-State Area speech, and water, in case I get parched during my maniacal rant. Hee hee. Loud-inator. (He gets up on a literal soap box and turns on his loud-inator.) Check, one, two, three.
Girl: Papa, Papa, I wanna see the clown!
Girl's Father: Sally, he's no clown. He's a nutjob.
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, ha ha ha! Laugh it up now! A-And when your friends ask what happened to Casual Fridays, you can tell them you opened your big mouth!<

(Cut back to Danville Arena.)
Lindana: Good night, Danville!
Candace: I can't believe I sang backup for Lindana!
Lindana: You can call me "Mom".
Candace: I just sang backup for Mom. Nah, just doesn't have the same ring.

(Cut to the roof of D.E.I. Perry finds the remote to his trap and disables it. He gets in a fighting position but the inator produces a boxing glove and hits him.)
Alien-inator: I am programmed to defend myself against all attacks. You cannot defeat me, Perry the Platypus. Time is up.
(The inator activates. Cut back to the nutjob known as Doofenshmirtz.)
Doofenshmirtz: Elected officials of the Tri-State Area, look to the skies in horror! (The "aliens" arrive) You are being invaded from space by invaders from space! And I, the King of the Aliens, am here to accept your unconditional surrender!
Man: I though he was a nutjob!
Woman: Me, too!
Doofenshmirtz: Now bow down before me. Bow down and I will spare your menial jobs!
Man 2: Do we get to keep our healthcare benefits?

(Cut back to Danville Arena. Lindana and Candace see Max walk by with Phineas and Ferb dressed as robots.)
Stage Manager: (offscreen) Thirty seconds, Mr. Modem.
Lindana: Who is that guy?
Candace: You know, he really does look familiar.
Lindana: Yes. Yes, he does.
(Cut to black)
Announcer: And now (a spotlight hits Max's finger as he pushes a button) the band you've been waiting for: Max Modem and the Mainframes!

(Song: "Alien Heart")
Max Modem: I think my girlfriend is an alien,
Invading force from Planet 10,
Said she was from out of town,
But I know what she meant...

Max Modem and Phineas: I know she's from another galaxy,
Max Modem: I don't know just what she's a-doing with me!
She treats my love like a science experiment...


Does she love me for who I am?
Or does she want to put my brain in a can?
She can have it, cause I never want to be apart...
Fan-girl: Take my leg warmers, Max!
Max Modem: From her alien heart!
(She's got an alien) Heart!
(She's got an alien) Heart!
(She's got an alien) She's got an alien heart!
(She's got an alien) Heart!
(She's got an alien) Heart!
(She's got an ali—

(Cut back to Doofenshmirtz)
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, you can keep the 401(k), but the daycare you're gonna have to pay for out of your own pockets! I-I-I've made enough concessions!

(Cut back to Perry)
Alien-inator: Dr. Doofenshmirtz has programmed me with all of his vast knowledge of you. Your secret agent skills are useless. (Agent P thinks for a moment, then takes off his fedora and goes into mindless pet mode and chatters.) Perry the Platypus, where did you go? I was not informed that your agency had developed a cloaking device. Here, Perry. Perry. Come to— (Perry jumps on the inator toppling it over. The "aliens" disappear.)
Man: Look! The aliens are disappearing!
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, great. Now I am a nutjob.
(Perry jumps off the inator. Cut to Danville Arena where the inator ray zaps in its vicinity. Cut back to the song where the alien projections appear on stage with Max Modem and the Mainframes.)
Max Modem: She's got an alien heart!
(She's got an alien) Pumps like the Dickens!

(Lindana and Candace mimic the dance moves of the alien projections and then giggle.)
(She's got an alien) She's got an alien heart!
(She's got an alien) Heart...
(She's got an alien) Heart...

(Cut to D.E.I. Agent P jets away from the imminent explosion. Cut back to the song.)
(She's got an alien) She's got an alien heart...

We're Max Modem and the Mainframes! Thank you, Tri-State Area!

(Max leaves the stage and approaches Lindana.)
Lindana: Nice work, "Max." You've still got it. Although I can't say I remember you having it in the first place.
Max Modem: You weren't so bad yourself. What say we go out for a spot of tea sometime?
Linda: Oh, no thanks. I've got an absolutely wonderful husband back home.
Max Modem: (removing his shades) Yeah, well, you better believe it, Ducky.
Lindana: (embracing her husband) But what did you do all this for?
Max Modem: I just thought you might like it if I were a bit more exciting.
Lindana: Oh, Lawrence, you and the kids are all the excitement I could ever want.
Phineas: (holding the phone) Mom, it's the promoter again! He wants to sign you and Max Modem for an extended tour!
Lindana: Tell him thanks but no thanks.
Candace: WHAT?!?! But what about the coolness, the fame and the fortune?!
Max Modem: Oh, Candace, we don't need those things to be happy.
Lindana: All we need is you guys.
Phineas: Right. Who wants to go on tour when there's so much to do around here this summer?
Candace: Oh, okay. (Agent P jet packs his way down behind her, takes off his fedora and goes back into mindless pet mode.) But if anyone calls offering me a concert deal I'm takin' it!
Phineas: So, Mom, after all these years, how'd you keep your voice in such great shape?
Lindana: Oh, I was lip-synching. Even back then! (Perry chatters) Oh, there you are, Perry!

End Credits

Max Modem: She's got an alien heart!
(She's got an alien) Heart...
(She's got an alien) Heart...
(She's got an alien) Heart...

She's got an alien heart!
(She's got an alien) Pumps like the Dickens!
(She's got an alien) She's got an alien heart!
(She's got an alien) Heart...
(She's got an alien) Heart...
(She's got an alien) She's got an alien heart...

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