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Lawn Gnome Beach Party of Terror/Transcript

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(Scene opens up showing a bird flying, then burns.)
Stanky Dog: This is Stanky Dog comin' to you on the hottest of the summer! Unless you live at the beach, I say take it easy and do nothin' today. Yup, just find yourself a shady tree, and maybe an aquatic mammal of some sort, and blow the whole day off.
Phineas: Come on, Ferb. If we let a little heat stop us from having the best day ever, then the morning DJs win.
Linda: Ooh, boy, it's hot today! So what are you up to?
Phineas: We're making our own beach, right here in the backyard.
Linda: (Oblivious) Oh, how cute. Well, I'm off to my spa day. You boys behave yourselves and don't bother your father. He's finally cleaning out the basement. (Leaves)
Candace: Bye, Mom! Yes! You heard her. We can't bug dad which makes me in charge... by default. (pauses) Carry on.
Phineas: We're gonna need more sand. Hey, where's Perry?


Major Monogram: Good morning, Agent P. Lawn gnomes across the Tri-State Area are disappearing, leaving thousands of gardens unprotected from the evils of black magic. We suspect Doofenshmirtz. Get right on it.


Contractor: Aren't you a little young to be a landscape contractor?
Phineas: Yes, yes I am.
Isabella: (Offscreen, dreamy look and voice) Hi, Phineas. (Walks up to him)
Phineas: Oh, hey Isabella.
Isabella: Whatcha doin'?
Phineas: Building a beach. Check it out.
(Ferb is shown posing on a giant sprinkler.)
Isabella: Can me and the Fireside girls be lifeguards? We need to earn our Aquatic-Safety badges.
Phineas: Sure.
Candace: I mean, I've been a friend of Suzy's longer than Katie, so I should've been invited to that party first. I don't care if they're lab partners! We're locker neighbors. And locker neighbors trumps lab partners any day. (Gasps) Sorry Stacy. Gotta go.
Phineas: Welcome to our beach.
Candace: Hah! You call that a beach? This is WAY below your usual standard. This isn't even worth a call to mom. You know, if you guys ever want to be popular, you're gonna have to stop playing in sandboxes. (Gets hit by a beach ball) Hey!
Phineas: So Candace, what do you think?
Candace: That's it! I'm calling Mom. (dials the phone)
Stacy: Hey, Candace.
Candace: Jenny? Stacy?
Jenny: You never told us you have a beach in your backyard!
Stacy: You're going to be the most popular girl in the neighborhood.
Candace: I will?
Stacy: I just saw Jeremy and his buddies with their surf boards.
Candace: Jeremy's here? (Panting, drops phone) Gotta go! (Zips off)


Perry!
Doofenshmirtz: (chuckles) Yes, yes! Just look at the bounty of gnome riches! Oh, this is a strange one. Wait, who are you? ... A platypus? ... PERRY THE PLATYPUS?! You are mine now! (Presses button, garage door opens) Oh no, wait, wait, wait. That was the garage door opener. You are mine now! (Presses button, large monitor activates) And that was the TV remote. I've got to start labeling these things. Aha! YOU are mine NOW! (Laughs maniacally) Finally, I will rid myself of you! (brings out another control) But first, turn your attention to the giant screen and... (the garage door closes) Hmm, maybe I need to turn the cable on first? (Cuts to the backyard beach.)

Phineas: Let's get this beach party started!
(Song: "If Summer Only Lasted One Day")
Well we'll wake up early and wax our surfboards down!
(Hit the beach, yeah we'll hit the beach)
Throw our board shorts on and head for surfin' town
(we'll hit the beach, yeah we'll hit the beach)
Phineas: Hey, look! I can see our house from up here!

Candace: (Coconut falls) Oh! (Falls on crab, Groaning)

Crowd: How low can you go? How low can you go?
Dancer: Look! So that's how low you can go. We've been asking that question for generations!
Candace: What? What's everybody looking at?
Dancer: For winning the limbo contest, you are now officially crowned Queen Wahini of the beach! All hail Queen Wahini!
Candace: (overjoyed) I can't believe it!

(Song: "Backyard Beach")
Ferb: Listen up people and I'll teach ya
'Bout Phineas and Ferb and the backyard beach-a,
Every morning, Phineas, he gonna say (Say!)
"Brother, whatcha gonna do today?"
Now you see we're having fun, playing under the sun,
And get in line, get in line, 'cause the wet ski's running
A backyard beach, a backyard beach
Nothing's outta reach, we got the backyard beach
You can change in the broken hut,
Drink out of a coconut, Three games for a token, but the rest is free
You got skiing, parasailing,
Surfing and a-flailing,
Your contacts need saline,
Or else, you can't see
Got the backyard beach, a backyard beach
Nothing's out of reach, we got the backyard beach
Got the backyard beach, a backyard beach,
Don't fall into the breach, got the backyard beach!
Candace: I've never been happier in my entire life!

(Cuts to Linda at the spa, she takes cucumber slices off her eyes.)
Linda: Something is very wrong. Not a single call from Candace. (Checks her phone) Not even a text message. Oga, hose me down. I'm going home.

(Cut to Doofenshmirtz)
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, I think I finally got the right one. Now, Perry the Platypus, (Shines flashlight on him) you will finally understand...my PAIN! (presses remote)
(Flashback)
Doofenshmirtz: (narrating) Back in Gimmelshtump in the days of my youth, the Doofenshmirtzs' were a proud family. But those were lean times for my father and our beloved lawn gnome was repossessed. Who would protect our zatzenfruit garden from those witches, spells and wood trolls? From a tender age, my father decided that it would be me.
Mr. Doofenshmirtz: Bewege dich nicht! ("Don't move!")
Doofenshmirtz: (narrating) While the other children played Kick-the-Schtumpel and eat Doonkelberries, I would stand for hours.
Mr. Doofenshmirtz: Bewege dich nicht!
Doofenshmirtz: All through the cold night as the Spitzenhounds howled, my only companion was the moon. And my neighbor Kenny.
Mr. Doofenshmirtz: (narrating) Bewege dich nicht!

Doofenshmirtz: And since my lawn gnome was taken away from me, I will destroy every lawn gnome in the entire Tri-State Area! Behold, the Destruct-inator! And now, Perry the Platypus, to activate my creation! (pushes a button and opens Perry's trap) NOOOO!

(Cut to the beach)
Stanky Dog: Surf contest!
Buford: Out of my way, Dinner-bell.
Phineas: Hello, Buford. Perhaps you missed the sign.
Buford: (reads the sign) "No Bullying, No Yodeling"?
Man: (Austrian accent) I don't like this any more than you do.

Stanky Dog: First up in the surf contest is Bobby Nelson. Oh! And Nelson eats it on five-footer! And there's Django Brown shooting the curl, and here comes Buford Van Stomm! Ohh! He pummels Brown with a Philadelphia traffic stomp! And now he's got him in a Half-Nelson, now a Full-Nelson, oh! And now he's actually beating him with Bobby Nelson! Here's the scores from our judges. And Buford doesn't like it one bit. (Buford smashes the table with Bobby) Next up is Phineas Flynn, and it's great to see a young surfer show such confidence. Uh-oh, what's this? (Buford splashes through the holographic Phineas) Oh, those kids today and their holographic projections. He's in the pipeline, now he's hangin' ten! He's hanging twenty! He's hangin' thirty-two! Now he's just hangin'! The crowd loves it! I don't think there's a name for that! The crowd is doing the wave, and Phineas is surfing it! Let's go to the judges.10 to the 5th power, infinity, and oh! It seems Phineas Flynn's radical surfing has made judge #3 re-think Einstein's theory of relativity! Cowabunga, laws of nature!

(Cut to Candace and Jeremy dancing.)
Candace: So, are you having fun?
(The music changes)
(Song: "The Moment Has Arrived (Our Song)")
Girl, the moment has arrived
I can see, although there is no light,
The music, beats throughout the night
And our love's in sight... (In the middle of the song)
Candace: Eee... (Cell phone rings) just one second. (dreamily, on phone) Hellooooo?
(Cut to Linda in the car, she gets shocked by this.)
Linda: Uh, Candace? Is everything okay?
(Cut back to Candace.)
Candace: Ohh, everything is just wonderful...
(Cut back to Linda, she gets shocked again.)
Linda: And...Phineas and Ferb? What are they doing?
(Cut back to Candace as Phineas surfs in the background.)
Candace: Ohh, such wonderful things...
(Cut back to Linda, she gets shocked once more.)
Linda: Candace, honey, I'm coming home.
(Needle scratch, cut back to Candace.)
Candace: Wait, WHAT?
Linda: (On phone) I'm right around the corner; I'll be there in two minutes.
Candace: Wait! No mom, you can't! (Linda turns off the phone.) Oh, wait, wait! Uhh... (at Jeremy) Stay right there! (runs off) I've got to stop her! (Looks out the backyard gate) Oh, no, no, no, no... (Linda arrives) Mom, Mom, pleeaaasee, Mom! Go away! Don't come in!

(Underground, the fight resumes. Perry kicks Doofenshmirtz into a lever, switching it to "Blow" forming a mountain in the middle of the ocean.)
Isabella: Is that a volcano?
(Volcano blows up)
Stanky Dog: GNOOOOOMES!!! (Gnome hits him) Oof!
Man: Run for your lives!! It's gnome-ageddon!!!
Man #2: Who's protecting our gardens?!!

(Cut to Linda)
Linda: Candace, tell me the truth. What is going on here?
Candace: (Sighs, talking fast) Phineas and Ferb built a beach in the backyard, just like they said they were going to. But instead of just a cute little beach in a sandbox; it turned out to be this absolutely huge beach, with a coastline, and palm trees, and a pier, and hula dancers, and water skiers, and tiki huts, and dolphins, and dancing, and surfing, and everybody from the neighborhood showed up-


Doofenshmirtz: Oof!

Candace: ...and then I was just about to share a smoothie with Jeremy when a coconut dropped on my head, and ...and just for a moment, it seemed that the wily Buford would steal away the coveted surfing trophy from under the noses of our heroes...then I can only continue my benign reign and spread love, happiness and ultimate popularity throughout my kingdom! If you would just let me have my moment!
Phineas: Oh, there you are Perry.
(Perry chatters)
Phineas: Well everybody, looks like that's all for today!
Crowd: Phineas and Ferb! (X3)
Candace: If you don't believe me, go see for yourself.
(Linda enters the backyard)

Phineas: That was great.
Linda: Hey, boys.
Phineas: Hey, mom.
Linda: So how was your day at the beach?
Candace: Wait, wait, my kingdom...my Jeremy...it was all so beautiful...! (panics, at Phineas and Ferb) WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY PARADISE?! (pants)
Linda: Candace, honey, I think it's time to get you out of the sun for a little while. (she and Isabella leads Candace away.)
Phineas: I think she had fun.

(Song: "If Summer Only Lasted One Day")
If Summer only lasted one day!
(Summer only lasted one day!)


Stanky Dog: Stanky Dog here with a special shout-out to my two new pals, Phineas and Ferb, for hosting a beach party that was hot, hot, hot. And speaking of hot, slather on the sunscreen listeners, cause tomorrow's weather calls for another scorcher.
Ferb: With a slight chance of scattered lawn gnomes.
(Phineas laughs.)

End Credits

(Song: "Perry the Platypus (song)")
He's a semi-aquatic, egg-laying mammal of action!
(Dooby dooby doo-bah) (X2)
He's a furry little flatfoot, who'll never flinch from a fray-ay-ay!
He's got more than just mad skill,
(Wah-ah-ah)
He's got a beaver's tail and a bill!
(ah-ah) And the women swoon whenever they hear him say!
(Perry chatters, women faint)
He's Perry! Perry the Platypus!

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