(Scene opens showing the Flynn-Fletcher house. In Candace's room, she is calling Stacy.)
Candace: Oh, my gosh, Stacy, have you heard? "About what"? About Jeremy, he's on a TV commercial.
Stacy: Yeah, I know. I heard it from Christina, who heard it from Jenny, who heard it from Jessie who heard it from you!
Candace: Well, it's totally true. Do you know what this means?
Stacy: He's totally out of your league.
Candace: He's totally out of my league! What am I going to do?
Stacy: How should I know? I don’t know anything about celebrity relations.
Candace: That's it! If I can get on TV then Jeremy will see my star quality and we'll be on the same level again!
Stacy: How exactly are you going to do that?
Candace: I guess you're right, getting on TV might be kinda difficult.
Stacy: Yeah, I guess you forgot about that insignificant little detail.
Candace: He, he, insignificant little detail, insignificant little... Phineas and Ferb! Stacy you're a genius.
Stacy: Would you call my mom and tell her that?
(Candace runs downstairs)
Candace: Phineas and Ferb! Phineas and Ferb! Phineas and...! (She runs into the sliding door)
(Scene switches to the backyard)
Phineas: So you just switch the solenoid here with the ganglion there and...
Candace: Phineas and Ferb.
Isabella: Hey, Candace. What'cha dooooin'?
Candace: Freaking out. What are you guys doing?
Phineas: We're helping the Fireside Girls.
Isabella: Yeah, we're working on our broadcasting patches.
Phineas: We're gonna to do a game show. Baljeet and Buford are the contestants. We're even gonna broadcast it all over the Tri-State Area.
Candace: Great, I knew I came to the right place. Here's the deal: I'm the star.
Phineas: Well, all right then.
(Candace goes up on stage)
Candace: (At Baljeet and Buford) Okay, one of you get off the stage.
(Buford pushes Baljeet off the stage)
Candace: Right then. Let's get this thing started.
Phineas: (At Ferb) You know, we should give Perry a cameo. Hey, where's Perry?
(In the house, Agent P grabs a remote off the TV set and presses it several times before grabbing another remote that opens the screen off the TV. Perry goes through to his lair. Major Monogram is giving Carl a massage)
Major Monogram: Ah, Agent P, uh... ahem. Carl and I made a bet, and, well... I lost. (Clears throat)
(Carl puts his fingers on Monogram's mouth as if he's the one talking)
Carl: (In a falsetto voice) Dozens of delivery trucks have been...
Major Monogram: This was, uh, part of the bet.
Carl: ...showing up at Doofenshmirtz's, and no good can come from that. Get to the bottom of it. (Laughs)
(Major Monogram reappears with a clown costume on and continues giving Carl a massage)
Major Monogram: This actually wasn’t part of the bet.
(Cut to the backyard. Buford and Candace are at makeup mirrors. Baljeet is making up Buford.)
Baljeet: Do not worry your pretty little head. I have plenty of experience with this sort of thing.
Buford: (picks up Baljeet) You better, man! My face is my fortune!
Baljeet: Of course it is. (chuckles)
Candace: (on phone) Yeah, Stacy, the boys are putting on a game show! And I'm the star! This'll totally do it!
(cut to Stacy)
Stacy: Well, I hope it does do "it", because Jeremy's getting huger by the minute. I know because Megan's blog says she thinks so.
(cut back to Candace)
Candace: No way!
Phineas: And how are my favorite contestants today.
Buford: We're your only contestants, dillweed.
Phineas: I just wanted to remind everyone that the physical challenges are a little rigorous, but the rewards are inconsequential. So if things get too rough out there, you can drop out anytime you want.
Candace: Oh, don't worry about me. I can handle anything.
Buford: If the girl's in, I'm in!
Phineas: Anyway, if you need anything, (snaps fingers) don't bother to speak up.
Candace: I can't believe my own brother doesn't think I can stick it out. I'll show him. I'm star material here! MAKEUP! (Gretchen hits her with a vaudevillian oversized powderpuff) Let's do this thing!
(Cut to D.E.I.)
♪ Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated! ♪
(Cut to inside. Perry opens the door only to get trapped inside a metal box)
Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus, how do you like my new Nemesis Catch-o-Mat? I bought it from the TV. (Perry gives him a look)
(Flashback to Doofenshmirtz by a TV with phone in hand)
Ad Man: Buy now for only $5.99 and get—
(Doofenshmirtz turns off the TV)
Doofenshmirtz: (on phone) I'll take two!
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, I see you've taken notice of all the infomercial products. I seem to have developed an addiction to them. I-It started with the Fruit Dehydrator. Here I've been eating hydrated fruit like a sucker my whole life! (doorbell rings) Excuse me, Perry the Platypus.
Delivery Guy: Sign here please.
(Doofenshmirtz signs for the package, gives the delivery guy the slip and takes the box.)
Doofenshmirtz: Ah, my Serve-O-Mat! See, this is what I'm talking about, I don't even know what a Serve-O-Mat is and now I own five. These infomercials are taking time away from my evil. People ask, "Doof, if you have unwanted infomercials, how do you get rid of them?" My solution is easy, simple, and it starts working the same day. With my Scorch-inator, I will target TV towers and melt, smelt, and render them into their basic components, thereby eliminating infomercials! And how much would I pay for this? Nothing, it's free! But wait! There's more! N-Th-There's not really any more, that's about it.
(Cut to the title sequence of the game show.)
(Song: "Let's Take a Quiz")
♪ If you think you're some kind of braniac, ♪
♪ A know-it-all, some kind of a whiz, ♪
♪ Got more answers than an almanac, ♪
♪ Let's Take a Quiz! ♪
♪ If you think you're extraordinary, ♪
♪ A cut above the best that there is, ♪
♪ If your cranial capacity is something scary, ♪
♪ Let's Take a Quiz! ♪
♪ Let's All Take a Quiz! ♪
♪ Oh, yeah! ♪
(The camera does random pans on random audience members before zooming out.)
Phineas: Welcome to ♪ Let's Take a Quiz! ♪, where the rules are answer fast and answer often. Let's meet our contestants. (close up on Candace with a neutral expression on her face) She's allergic to parsnips and dairy, say hello to my sister, Candace Flynn!
Candace: (looks at the camera and then smiles) Oh, uh, (waves) hi!
Phineas: He's a bully by vocation, but has a soft spot for goldfish. Say hello to Buford van Stomm!
(audience boos, Buford flashes two peace signs)
Phineas (cont'd): I see we have no clear fan favorite tonight. All right. (zips to the podium on stage) Let's start round one of ♪ Let's Take a Quiz! ♪ This is a high-speed round we call our quizzed-off round. As usual, I start you off. Remember, just go as fast as you can, we'll keep track of the points. Here we go. Prestidigitation!
Buford: Oh oh oh oh oh! (dings bell) Bunions! (buzz!)
Phineas: Oh, I'm sorry about that. That's gonna be a five-point penalty.
Candace: Wait a minute. Why does he lose fi—
Phineas: I'm sorry, all questions must be phrased in the form of an answer. Okay, we're back in play now, and... Passamaquody.
Buford: (dings) Nonchalant.
Phineas: Form of the word?
Buford: Eh..."chalant"? (bell dings)
Phineas: Nice job.
(Candace's phone rings, she picks up.)
(Cut to Stacy's living room, she is watching on TV)
Stacy: What's the matter with you?! You're just standing there!
(Cut to Candace)
Candace: I don't know what they're talkin' about!
(cut back to Stacy)
Stacy: You're losing right now and losers don't have star quality! Say something!
(Cut back to Candace)
Candace: Like what?
(Bell dings. Cut to Ferb in drag in front of a Wheel of Fortune style board where the words "LIKE WHAT" appear.)
Phineas: 45 points for Candace! (crowd cheers) Good one, Candace.
Buford: (growls and dings) Pocket lint!
Candace: (dings) Laminate!
(Cut to audience. Some members hold up signs with letters that spell "LAMINATE")
Buford: That's right! TRALFAZZ!!
(Pan down to Buford's podium, which now reads "TRALFAZZ!!")
Candace: Fine Tralfazz!
(Cut to Ferb in a different drag costume in front of the board where the words "FINE TRALFAZZ" appear.)
Phineas: Ooh, bonus!
(Cut back to D.E.I.)
Doofenshmirtz: What's the matter, Perry the Platypus? You don't like my little plan? Think about it this way: Since infomercials are almost universally hated, I will actually be doing a civic good by destroying them! Huh? You see? You like that? W— Oof! (Perry somehow gets out of the Nemesis Catch-o-Mat, and jumps on Doof. Cut to show Perry holding a device) Aha, yes, the E-Z Automatic Trap Escaper. I must've left it out where you could reach it. Well, I was able to reach this! (He reaches offscreen and retrieves a mallet-looking device) It's the Swapotron-Smash-o-Matic! (a boxing glove comes out of the mallet and punches Perry) I got it for only $99.95. (Perry gets another device) Ah, the Labco Pocket Tennis Ball Launcher provides exquisite (gets hit with a tennis ball) Oof!—accuracy. (takes out another device) Face the hideous might of my Burgerizer 2100 hamburger patty air cannon! Eat patty!
(Cut back to the game show)
Phineas: Not quite.
Buford: Swagger. Tony!
Buford: Y not?
Phineas: Why not?
Buford: Yeah, "Tony" backwards!
(Cut to Ferb dressed like Carmen Miranda. The board now says "Y NOT".)
Phineas: 30 points. Physical challenge!
Candace: Whadaya mean physical chall— (A mechanical arm pies Candace in the face. Another pair of mechanical arms puts a bag on her head) This doesn't even make any sense!
(Cut to Ferb dressed like a Vegas showgirl. The board says "THIS DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE!".)
Phineas: Wow! A hundred points! Candace is on fire!
Candace: Woohoo. I'm not really on fire, am I?
Buford: No, you're good.
(Cut back to Perry trying to walk away from Doofenshmirtz, but he finds him.)
Doofenshmirtz: Heh-heh! How did I find you? Well, it was easy, with my Platy-Positioner satellite global platypus locator. Patent pending. (Perry kicks him.)
(Cut back to the game show.)
Buford: Slippery snagglefoot.
Phineas: That answer is correct! Candace, do you want the minus two thousand points or do you want another physical challenge?
(Cut to Candace whose hair is now frazzled and has an inexplicable tree branch in it.)
Candace: I'll take another physical challenge.
Audience: She's taking the physical challenge!
(Cut to Jeremy's living room. Jeremy is watching TV with Coltrane.)
Coltrane: Dude, it's so cool you're in this commercial.
Coltrane: Hey, let's see if it's on another channel. Wai-w-w-wait! Is that Candace?
(Cut back to the show. Cancace is standing in front of an oven. The oven door opens and a mechanical arm pops out and pies her again. Wide shot to reveal numerous ovens with arms with pies.)
Jeremy: (offscreen) Woah! (cut back to Jeremy's living room) She's, like, a TV star! (Coltrane nods)
(Cut back to Doofenshmirtz holding yet another device)
Doofenshmirtz: Not only will I defeat you with this Flab Crusher, but I'm simultaneously getting a good burn on my delts. $10.99! Hmm? (Perry holds a vacuum-like device and turns it on. Doofenshmirtz yells and they charge at each other with their devices. The vacuum-like device sucks Doofenshmirtz's face) The Tornado Vac only needs one setting because of its painfully awesome suction power! (They go out onto the balcony and Doofenshmirtz backs into his Shrinkinator-plant and activates it several times. He gets out a notepad and pencil and writes something.) Shrinkinator, why haven't I unplugged this thing? I keep leaving myself notes, and I keep forgetting. "Shrinkinator. Unplug Shrinkinator." (He sticks the note onto the Shrinkinator.) Ugh! I'll do it tomorrow. (Pan to reveal all the notes say essentially the same thing.)
(Cut back to the show.)
Phineas: This is the final question. Winner takes all! (holds up a card) What is—?
Candace: Teddy bear stuffing! (covers her mouth, close up on Ferb, close up on the audience) Be a star, Candace! Be a star! Be a star! Come on! Be a star!
Buford: Wow. Somebody's got issues.
(Phineas is about to say something but the Shrinkinator ray zaps his microphone. It then zaps Candace's podium, followed by the audience's seats, and then the stage, and the camera.)
(Cut back to Doofenshmirtz and Perry's fight.)
Doofenshmirtz: (after landing near a hamburger flipper) Ha! I'll crush you with my Burgermatic hamburger flipper! (He turns it on, but the top parts simply spins around. He throws it away.) Alright, forget the Burgermatic. Let's see how you fare against my Shrinkinator! (Perry turns it on, and Doofenshmirtz shrinks.) Curse you— (Doofenshmirtz holds up his hand to reveal it is massive.) Hey! Hey, you missed my hand! Oh, now not only am I shrunken, but I'm freakishly shrunken! Curse you, Perry the Pl— (His giant hand practically crushes himself.) Aw, this is kind of heavy.
(Cut back to the backyard.)
Phineas: Hey, look, our game show set instantaneously miniaturized itself!
Ferb: Well, I suppose we could call that the home version.
Phineas: Well, we are home. Let's play it! (Perry chatters) There you are, Perry!
Candace: So what? That's it? Who won? I am so busting you guys!
Jeremy: Hi, Candace.
Candace: Hi, Jeremy.
Jeremy: I saw ya on TV and just wanted to congratulate you. I guess you're, like, on a whole new level now.
Candace: What about your commercial?
Jeremy: (takes out his smartphone) You mean this?
(Close up on the phone to show an ad showcasing primarily Jeremy's feet wearing flip flops)
♪ Available only at Devors ♪
♪ It's the Tri-State Area's flip-flop store. ♪
Jeremy: I was just the foot model.
Candace: Hehe, you have hunky ankles. Heh.
Jeremy: Thanks. I like your...branch.
Candace: (takes branch out) Heh-heh, you should have seen me covered in pie.
(They both laugh)
Jeremy: What kind of pie?