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Lights, Candace, Action!/Transcript

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Scene opens up with a monster destroying the Tri-State Area.
Candace: "To think... To dream... Whether 'tis nobler to love, I know not." Ah, The Princess Sensibilities. My favorite play. What is going on out there?!
(Monster noises, Candace crushes monster set)
Would you keep it down out here?! You guys ruin everything! I am trying to practice the art of acting. And I will not be disturbed by your little movies!
Phineas: Not so little anymore. Last week our website got 176,000,000 hits.
Linda: Oh, sorry I'm late. They're filming down the street.
Candace: Filming? What What are they filming?
Linda: A movie version of the play The Princess Sensibilities.
Candace: (Gasps) I would be perfect for that part! I've been practicing it for my drama club all summer! I'm gonna get discovered!
Phineas: That's serendipitous. Hey, where's Perry?

(Scene switches to Perry's lair)
Major Monogram: There you are, Agent P. There's something very strange going on with Dr. Doofenshmirtz. He's been very quiet lately. A little too quiet. I want you to find out what's not going on, and...uh...put it. I suppose. Good luck, Agent P.
Doo be doo be doo ba doo be doo be doo ba,
Doo be doo be doo ba doo be doo be doo ba,
Doo be doo be doo ba
Agent P!

(Scene switches to the producer's trailer)
Candace: There it is! Excuse me. Uh, Mr. Producer, sir?
Producer: I can't talk to you right now. My lead actress just quit!
Candace: Well sir, this is your lucky day! (Clears throat) I will replace her. Besides, I know her lines by heart. Listen. "To think, to dream, whether 'tis nobler to love, I know not."
Producer: Heh. That's not bad. And you know your lines. Mmm, I don't know.
Candace: I'll do it for free.
Producer: You're hired.
Candace: Really?
Producer: You bet! With the money I save, I'll be able to hire the hottest new directors in town. Hello?

Scene changes to Candace at a spa getting a makeover.
Candace: Wow! I could get used to this!
Man: Miss Candace Flynn, here's your contract and your bagel. This is Antoine, your dialog coach, Nikki, your swimming stand-in, and your personal trainers Olga and Chicago Joe.
Olga: Charmed, I'm sure.
Chicago Joe: Drop and give me 20!
Producer: Candace, baby! Let me introduce you to the directors of this film.
(Camera goes down)
Phineas: Hi, Candace.
Candace: Phineas and Ferb? What are you doing here?
Phineas: We're directing the movie. Our new agent arranged the whole thing.
Isabella: Look. My client gets 3% of the gross and a piece of the back end, or he walks. Yeah, that's right. You mess with the bull, you get the horns, buddy. (Phone rings) Hello? Syd, baby, you got that 3rd act in line yet?
Candace: Wait, wait! Don't you think they're a little young to be big-budget movie directors?
Producer: With 176,000,000 hits, they could be in diapers for all I care.
(Lyrical Music plays as Candace puts on her costume)
(Record needle scratches as we stop to see her wearing a monster hat)
Candace: Phineas, I don't remember any monsters in The Princess Sensibilities.
Phineas: We just finished the rewrites this morning.
Candace: "The Curse of the Princess Monster"? That is not what I signed up for! Besides, I can't wear this! No one will see my face!
Producer: Yes, but in the end, the curse is lifted! And in your big dramatic scene, you will look stunning! This film could make you a star.
Candace: Really?
(Then we see Candace stepping out of a limo and see flashing paparazzi lights. Candace leaves her handprints on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Then we see Candace on a newspaper)
Man: Hey! Ugly monster! You're needed on the set!
Candace: I'm coming!
(Music playing) Oof! Oof! Won't you stay on? Oof! Darn!

(Suspense music)
Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!
(Perry breaks door)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus? Why do you keep breaking down my doors? Why don't you knock first? It's not even locked! This time, you'll pay. That's right, fork it over. What? Are you kidding me? This isn't just drywall, you know! It's solid oak! That's more like it. You can't just go busting into people's houses for no reason, you know. Besides, I've given up evil to pursue the art of cheese making. Do you like stinky Limburger? It's a Doofenshmirtz family recipe.
(Doofenshmirtz is laughing maniacally while milking a cow over a cauldron whilst the cow moos in confusion)
It's not ready yet. It still has to age for 58 and 1/2 years. (Watch ticking) But who's got that kind of time? Which is why I created: The Age Accelerator...Inator.

(Scene switches to a movie studio)
Phineas: Okay, Candace. This is a very important scene. It is nothing less than the emotional backbone of the whole film. Oh, and the villagers are coming at you with everything they've got.
(Movie slate slams)
Candace: Uh, what do mean the villa-
Phineas: Action! The air force!
Candace: (Grunting) Ugh! Ow! Ungh! Hey! Wait! Uh!
Phineas: The space armada from the planet plumbing supplies!
Candace: (groans)
Phineas: Beautiful! That's a print!
Ginger: (Whispering)
Phineas: Oh. That's a little embarrassing. (On megaphone) Okay, people, nice rehearsal! Let's take it from the top!

(Movie slate slams, Tropical music playing)
Candace: Wow! Is this banana hat for some cool tropical dance number?
Phineas: We're trying to come up with some exciting camera angles for the big chase scene. So we strapped a camera on to this starving monkey.
(An angry primate starts to chase Candace)
Candace: Aah! Wait! No! (TV Static)

Phineas: (Laughing) Sorry that monkey cam didn't work out. We're gonna try it with Ferb this time. Now take this sandwich and remember, Ferb hasn't eaten lunch yet. (Ferb imitates the monkey while beginning to charge)
Hold on tight.
Candace: AAH! Wait! NO! (TV Static)

Phineas: Okay. In this scene, the monster; that's you, gets attacked by 800 cubic feet of rats, spiders, and snakes.
Candace: There is no way I am doing that!
Phineas: Relax. They're made out of rubber.
Candace: (Sighs)
Phineas: Well the snakes are rubber, anyway.
Candace: AAH! Get em' off me! Get em' off me! Get em' off me! Get em' off me! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me!

Phineas: Okay. Candace, this is your beauty shot. The curse has been lifted, and you are no longer a monster. Now this scene, is what the heart wants, but the mind can't have. Take one.
Candace: "To dream... To be free of the curse."
Phineas: Beautiful. Keep going. (On megaphone) Cue the magical girly dust!
Candace: "Whether 'tis nobler to be loved..." Achoo! I'm allergic to dust! (Thud)
Phineas: (On megaphone) Cue wind machine!
Ferb: (Turns on a giant fan)
Ferb: (Turns off giant fan)
Candace: Oof!
Phineas: Okay. Drop the flower petals!
Candace: (Weakly) Whether 'tis no- (Sinks, toilets and pipes fall)
Phineas: Wrong prop. What the heck. Let's keep it!
(Sink falls)
Candace: Oof!
Phineas: Okay people, that's a wrap!

(Scene switches to the editing room)
Here's your big dramatic scene, Candace.
Candace: (Panting) "To think... To dream-"
Phineas: Cut!
Candace: Huh? Oh, I'm sorry.
Phineas: Do it again!
Candace: "To think, to-to stink, to-to-"
Phineas: Cut!
Candace: This is horrible! I can't let anybody see this!
Phineas: That's what's called a rough cut. Ferb's gonna fix it in editing. Tighten up the dialogue, do a little voice modulation, play with the filters, and now take a look!
(Lyrical music plays as we see a REAL castle, with a REAL Candace, saying her lines)
Ashley Tisdale: "To think, to dream, to be free of the curse."
Candace: I...I...I look beautiful!
Phineas: That's what they call "Movie Magic".
Candace: You two are the best brothers a great actress could ever have! I love you both!

(Scene switches to a movie theater)
Producer: We've packed the theater with teenagers. They're our target audience. If they like it, we're in business. If they don't... (Hisses)
(Lyrical music plays as The Princess Sensibilities come on, then dramatic music plays as the words switch)
Eerie Sinister Voice: The Curse of the Princess Monster.
(Audience cheering)
Producer: Looks like we got a hit movie!

(Scene switches to Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Now, Perry the Platypus, watch carefully as I demonstrate the Age Accelerator-Inator. (Laser zaps a baby on a playground, turning it into a large hairy adult) Hooray, it worked! And now to make some perfectly aged cheese! (Laser zaps) Ah, perfect! You can actually see the pungent aroma. Here you go, Perry the Platypus. But I'm warning you. Once you start, you won't be able to stop. I'll go get some crackers.
We're in luck! I still have some left over Melba To-- Oh no! The cheese! What happened to the stinky cheese?! Perry the Platypus, you ate all the cheese?! NO! I created this for peaceful, cheese loving purposes, but now you forced me to wield it in anger! Now it's time you felt my wrath! (Laser zaps) Perry the- Perry the Platypus, hold still! Hold still so I can blast you!

(Scene switches to the movie theater)
Producer: Wow! Those kids love it!
Candace: Yay! Super stardom, here I come!
(Laser hits theater, old people booing)
Phineas: Huh? What's going on in there?
Old people: It's too loud with all the rock 'n roll!/Where are my teeth?/What a waste of my time!
Producer: Sorry kids. They hated it. The movie's dead.
Phineas: Well, at least we had fun.
Candace: Fun? What about me? I was gonna be a star.
Phineas: Don't worry, Candace. We saved a copy of your best scenes. We're gonna put it on our website right away.

(Scene switches to Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: (Laughing) I have you cornered! This time, I'll hit you with everything I've got! Say goodbye, (Jittery) Perry the Platypus!
(Lazers zapping, Explosion)
Wait, wait, wait, that's not right. (Thud, Chuckles) Perry the Platypus, just- just look at yourself. You really let yourself go.
(Gasps) Oh, so you had an Age Accelerator-Inator proof suit! (Laughs) Well, I have a little surprise of my own. (Fabric tearing) Heh. Well, It's already 4:30. I think I'm going to bed. Curse you, Perry the Platypus.

(Scene switches to Phineas and Ferb's room)
Phineas: Oh boy, this is gonna be great!
(Candace crushes monster set)
Candace: (Speaking in a deep voice and in slow motion) You guys ruin everything!
(BOOM! We see a model of the Earth exploding!)
Phineas: (Counter beeping) Whoa, check it out. 5,000,000 hits already? I bet everyone we know saw it! Enjoy it while it lasts, Candace. Fame is fleeting.
Ferb: But the internet is forever.
(Candace faints)
Phineas: Good night, Candace.

End Credits

Boy: Hey, nice monster you got on the Internet!
Boy #2: "You guys ruin everything!" (Laughing)
Girl: Hey Mom, that's the monster on my computer!
Boy #3: I've got it! The Swamp Monster of Danville!
Boy #4: She rocks.
Boy #3: Yeah.

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