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Live and Let Drive/Transcript

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(Scene opens on a city landscape.)
Adrian: (voiceover) Welcome to the 48th Montevillebad Grand Prix Pre-Race Show.
(A title appears on screen saying "THE XXVCVXVIIC MONTEVILLEBAD GRAND PRIX PRE RACE SHOW".)

(Cut to the house. Lawrence is wearing a pleather jumpsuit and puts on his helmet.)
Lawrence: Linda, darling, it's starting!

(Cut to the announcer's booth.)
Nigel: Coming to you, of course, from the coast of glorious Montevillebad.
Ian: A name that translates roughly as "mountain village bath" in a variety of European languages.
(Zoom out to show the living room TV. Cut to Linda also in a pleather jumpsuit with a platter of hors d'oeuvres.)
Linda: Seven hours of racing jargon and mindless statistics, here we come!
Lawrence: Ooh, snacks!
Linda: Mm-hmm, and they're race themed.
Lawrence: Well, vroom vroom!

(Cut back to the race track.)
Nigel: And there's our pole-sitter, international racing legend, Paolo Vanderbeek.
Ian: A household name. Born in the Scottish enclave of a Swiss town in the Italian alps to Dutch parents.
Adrian: Not only a king among drivers, Paolo Vanderbeek is also a beloved man of the people.
Ian: No one is more passionate about his sport or cares more about his fans than Paolo Vanderbeek, earning him the name "the King of Care."

(Cut back to the living room. Candace enters singing as she sees Phineas and Ferb resting under the tree.)
(Song: Gonna Get My Bust On)
Candace: Gonna go get my bust on,
Gonna get, gonna get, gonna get,
Baw-ba-baw-baw-baw, ma bust on!
Lawrence: How can ya go outside when it's Grand Prix Day?
Candace: (sarcastically) Uh, yeah, well, my pleather jumpsuit is at the cleaners and I feel underdressed.
Lawrence: Oh, that's understandable then.
Linda: She was being facetious, dear.
Lawrence: Oh, I see.
Candace: Well, doesn't look like there's anything bustable going on yet. (takes a seat) I guess I could kill a few.
Linda: Give it a chance, Candace. You might find it exciting.

(Cut back to the announcers' booth.)
Adrian: Let's look at an incomprehensible map of the race course, shall we?
(Cut to the map.)
Nigel: (offscreen) I can't make heads or tails out of it. You?
Ian: (offscreen) Uh, no clue, but no doubt, it'll be exciting!

(Cut back to the living room.)
Candace: (sarcastically) Oh, yeah. The excitement is killing me. Seems like a good time to wonder where Perry is.

(Cut to Agent P's lair. Agent P wheels into his lair on his chair. Monogram is onscreen in a pleather jumpsuit with Montevillebad behind him.)
Major Monogram: Greetings from Montevillebad, Agent P! You'll be joining us here for your mission. (whispering) But the lines aren't secure. (normal voice) So, we'll give you the details when you get here. And to get you here in style, we've provided you with a vintage 1963 Olson Martin! (The car rises from the floor behind Perry. He smiles.) So I'll see you after the wipe.
(Cut to Perry already in the car. He gives a thumbs up to Monogram.)

(Wipe to Montevillebad, with the Olson Martin driving down the road.)
Caption: Montevillebad...After the wipe (Cut to Perry now wearing a tux in the car. A monitor showing Monogram's image appears on the dashboard.)
Major Monogram: Hello again, Agent P. International intel has indicated that Doofenshmirtz is planning to sabotage Paolo Vanderbeek and enter the Grand Prix himself. (Cut to Perry driving.) So, we need you to find out what Doof is up to while Carl and I keep an eye on Vanderbeek here at the race track incognito. (Cut to Monogram, now wearing a fake black mustache.) Nifty disguise, huh? Gives me a continental look, don't you think? Anyway, Doofenshmirtz is at the casino L'Hotel Uber-Swank.
(Cut to L'Hotel Uber-Swank. The Olson Martin pulls up to the valet.)
Doofenshmirtz at a casino.

(Cut to the casino.)
Croupier: Monsieur in the lab coat and bow tie wins again.
Doofenshmirtz: Man, I am on a roll!
Agent Double 0-0: (gets up) Stupid game. I'll never play it again.
Doofenshmirtz: Ah, never say never! Who's next? (Cut to Perry who takes a stick of bubblegum and chews it seriously and blows a bubble.) Oh, a mysterious platypus to take my challenge. Okay, I'll go first.
(Cut to the table to reveal they are playing tic-tac-toe. Doof puts down an x in the bottom center square. Perry puts an O above it. Doof blocks it on the right with another X. Perry puts an O below that X. Doof puts another X to the left of the center O. Perry flips the O card dramatically in the corner. He wins.)
Croupier: Jeu de morpion! Monsieur Platypus in the tuxedo wins!
Doofenshmirtz: What?!
Bouncer: Monsieur, there are no pets allowed in the casino.
Doofenshmirtz: What? He's not my mysterious platypus. I didn't bring him in here! I just—Oh, oh, you mean the cat. (Doof takes a white cat from under the table and leaves.) Yeah, my bad.

(Cut back to the racetrack.)
Adrian: Look at all those cars in a line.
Nigel: The collective amount of horsepower is absolutely staggering.
Ian: And so (coughs) are the exhaust fumes.

(Cut back to the living room.)
Candace: You realize this is just a bunch of cars parked in a line.
Linda and Lawrence: Yes. Yes we do.
(In the background, Phineas and Ferb are already plotting out what they're gonna do today.)

(Cut to a binoculars POV shot of a helicopter landing on a yacht. Cut to reveal Perry looking through the binoculars. He puts the car in drive and it splashes into the water. He presses a button on the car, and it turns into a scuba suit. He swims up to the yacht and takes off his scuba suit. He presses a button on the suit and it folds up into a handkerchief. He puts it in his pocket and walks up the stairs and chatters at Doof.)
Doofenshmirtz: (gasp) The mysterious platypus from the casino! (Perry puts on his fedora.) Perry the Mysterious Platypus from the Casino?!?!? Betcha tired of standing 'round, aren't you? (Doof pushes a button and traps Perry in a pile of tires.) See? Tires. I thought it apropos, you know, this being the Grand Prix and all. Wait 'till you see my new lair! (The yacht drives into a cave tunnel.) Not too shabby. Hey, Norm, I'm back!
Norm: Look what I found! Metal teeth!
Doofenshmirtz: Uch, you've always had metal teeth, Norm.
Norm: Yes, but these are sharp.
Doofenshmirtz: What does that matter? You can't open your mouth. Here, grab Perry the Platypus. Isn't this place fabulous? I found it through an international lair exchange website. It's even got its own rocket. Y'know, I think I might've gotten the better end of this deal.

(Cutaway to an evil villain in Doof's bathroom, where the toilet has a clog. He sighs and puts a plunger into his hook-hand. Cut back to Doof.)
Doofenshmirtz: Anyway, you're gonna love it. I was so impressed, I commissioned a whole new jingle!
(A female singer rises from the floor.)
(Song: Doof's Evil Hideout Vacation Swap)
Singer: Doofenshmirtz Swanky New Evil Lair!
Doofenshmirtz: Yeah, it's swanky!
Singer: It's an even swap,
A variation on a timeshare
He can use the kitchen and the hallway closet
Don't touch the rocket or you'll lose your deposit
It's an old-school evil hideout vacation swap.

It's an elegant lair with spectacular views
But the carpets are white, so please take off your shoes
The wiring is new, so you won't blow an electrical fuse

It's a swanky new evil hideout vacation
An old school evil hideout vacation
Yes, it's Doofenshmirtz evil hideout vacation swap.
Doofenshmirtz: (dancing) Yeah, look at these swanky moves!
Singer: Vacation swap!

Doofenshmirtz: Thanks, Cheryl! (to the viewer) My real estate agent. (to Perry) So, my evil plan. As you may know, the Montevillebad Grand Prix is a goodwill event with all the prize money awarded to the winner's favorite charity. So, I entered the race for my favorite charity, Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated...namely me! I'm the Doofenshmirtz...in Doofenshmirtz Evil...Well, you get it. And check it out! (Shows his race car on the monitor.) I've re-engineered my Boomshlaka 320-I to meet the Grand Prix specs. I also added some extras that should take care of, like, 99% of the playing field. But then there's still that 1%, Paolo Vanderbeek. But, uh, I got something else to take care of him. Behold, my I-Don't-Care-inator! (beat) It's not that I don't care. It creates apathy in whoever it hits. It's a little esoteric, I know, but, trust me, it'll work. I'll just zap Paolo with this baby and suddenly he won't care about anything and, uh, least of all, racing. I'll turn the King of Care into the King of I Couldn't Care Less, which will pave the way for me to win the race and the prize money for my favorite charity, which, I think I said before, is me. Now, before I go, lest you try to escape, I'll show you one more feature of this place. (He presses a button that says "Shark Tank".) Look, it's got its own shark tank! (laughter) (Cut to Norm wearing a rocket helmet. Doof straps into a seat on the robot.) Okay, then, I'm off to the races...literally! (Norm launches.) Hasta la pasta, baby!
(A shark swallows Perry whole.)

(Cut back to the race course.)
Adrian: Welcome back, racing fans, to the Montevillebad Grand Prix. And the teams are making the final preparations before the start of the race.
Ian: Including our favorite, Paolo Vanderbeek.
Nigel: Just look at the amazing amount of care and attention he pays to his fans and his car.
(Vanderbeek fixes his car and signs an autograph at the same time.)
Pit Man: Listen to those fans, Paolo. They love you.
(Vanderbeek gets zapped by the inator.)
Vanderbeek: Eh, who cares? (walks away)
Adrian: What's this? Paolo is walking away from the pits.
Nigel: And the race.

(Cut to Doof on Norm.)
Doofenshmirtz: Ha ha! What a shot! Norm, set me down next to the registration booth and you go get the car ready.
Norm: Roger wilco, sir!

(Cut to a beach. The shark appears on the sand and all the people run away and scream. The shark's mouth opens and Agent P appears out of it. The shark then coughs out the tires and puts on a fedora and salutes. Agent P salutes Agent S back.)

(Cut back to the race.)
Adrian: Wait a second. There seems to be a last minute entry. A Heinz Doofen...Doofen.... Ih...hopeless with Drusselsteinian names.
Nigel: Hand it over, mate. Let's see. (takes the script from Adrian and reads it) "Dorkenshmitz"?
Ian: D-Doofen...Doofenshmuntz, Doofenshmuntz. Oh, that's utterly ridiculous.
Adrian: Whatever his name is, he's no Vanderbeek. That's for sure.
Nigel: There's the flag! And they're off!
(Perry walks onto the race track.)
Major Monogram: Psst, Agent P, over here! Doof has shot Vanderbeek with some kind of—oh, right, he probably monologued his scheme to you already. Anyhow, we need you to take Vanderbeek's place in the race, get that inator, and get back here to reverse its effect, so Vanderbeek can finish the race and defeat Doofenshmirtz. Carl has been trying to convince Vanderbeek to get back in the race using his sophisticated powers of persuasion.
(Cut to Carl also wearing a mustache with Vanderbeek.)
Carl: C'mon, pretty please? Pretty please with a cherry on top? I'll be your best friend!
Major Monogram: Yeah, you better get goin', Agent P. You can use the disguise setting on your Olson Martin. (Perry takes his Olson Martin out of his pocket, pushes a button, and it turns into Vanderbeek's mustache. He puts it on.) Wow, the resemblance is uncanny! Good luck, Agent P!
(The fake Vanderbeek gets into the real Vanderbeek's car and starts the engine.)
Nigel: What's this? Hello! It looks like Paolo Vanderbeek is back in the race!

(Cut back to the living room. In the background, Isabella, Buford and Baljeet have joined Phineas and Ferb standing by a pool.)
Candace: Wow, this isn't nearly as lame as I thought.
(A DNA strand rises out of the pool in the background.)
Lawrence: That's why our couch cushions are worn so unevenly. 'Cause we're always on the edge of our seats.

(Cut back to the race.)
Doofenshmirtz: Let's see if I can rub this guy the wrong way. (He laughs as he rams a car.) Nice bumpin' into ya! Maybe it's time to use a little elbow grease. (He pushes a button and some grease spews out of the back of his car causing the car to slide right out of the race.) Alright, smoke 'em if you got 'em! (Black smoke spews out of the exhaust pipe.)
Nigel: Approaching the Phillips' head turn, millimetrically perfect!
Adrian: Or .04 inches perfect for backwards people who don't use the metric system.
Nigel: Dumpendork is gonna have his work cut out for him if he wants to stay in the lead.
Doofenshmirtz: Paolo Vanderbeek? He's back? Eh, looks like I'm gonna have to through the works at him. There ya go. (The exhaust pipe flips open throwing everything...and the kitchen sink which the car dodges.)
Nigel: I say, that is an unprecedented amount of contact shunts and shenanigans!
Adrian: Shenanigans?
Ian: You don't think there's some sort of foul play afoot.
(Cut to the announcers' booth.)
Adrian: In Grand Prix racing? Don't be ridiculous!
Nigel: That kind of thing only happens in cartoons.
(Cut back to the race.)
Doofenshmirtz: Looks like somebody needs another shot of the I-Don't-Care-inator. (The car runs over some parts and the inator slips out of Doof's hand.) What? Uh-oh! That's mine! (Perry catches the inator.)
Adrian: And that last contact has put Doofenshmuntz spinning across the course!
Nigel: And Vanderbeek is pulling into the pits! What is wrong?
(Cut to Monogram and Carl still with the real Vanderbeek.)
Carl: Come on, whatta ya, chicken? Bagawk!
(Perry arrives with the inator.)
Major Monogram: Good work, Agent P! Now we just need you to...Oh, okay, yeah, you got it covered, too.
(Perry puts the inator in reverse and zaps Vanderbeek.)
Vanderbeek: Bocce balls! I cannot disappoint my fans!
(Cut back to Doof in the mud as Norm pushes him out.)
Ian: Doifenshmuntz has got himself going again with the help of an extremely large metal pit crew member.
(Cut back to the announcers' booth.)
Nigel: This is, without a doubt, the weirdest race I've ever seen.
(Cut to Vanderbeek getting into his car.)
Vanderbeek: Grazie tonto, little beaver-duck guy! I'm-a about to win-a!
Ian: And Paolo is back on the course!
Adrian: He'll have to really put his foot in if he wants to catch Doofenshmintz by the end of the race!
(Cut to Doofenshmirtz laughing.)
Doofenshmirtz: Not to make excuses, but sometimes, it's okay to be a little bit tacky. (He pushes a button and a bunch of tacks come out of the front, piercing his own tires.) Oh, maybe the tacks are supposed to be in the back.
Adrian: Dirkenshplurtz has run himself off the course completely!
(The car lands in a pool.)
Pool Guy: Gladys, j'ai une autre. (Subtitle: Gladys, we have another one.)
Nigel: And Vanderbeek pushes past just in time to sieze the checkered flag! Well done!

(Cut back to the living room. In the background, a giant foot carries the gang off while the parents and Candace are celebrating.)
Candace: Oh, yeah! Go, Paolo! Go, Paolo!
Linda: Woo-hoo!
Lawrence: What an exciting finish!
Candace: That was awesome! (looks behind her to see nothing there) Huh, I guess they're not doing anything today. (leaves) I am going to the mall and picking up a pleather jumpsuit!

(Cut back to the race. Doof runs onto the track all wet.)
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, did I win? (He takes off his helmet, which splashes more water onto him.) Oh, wait, no! Curse you, Paolo Vanderbeek! Y'know, that just doesn't roll off the tongue the way "Perry the Platypus" does. Perry the Platypus, Perry the Platypus.
(Cut to the announcers' booth.)
Adrian: And, on that bombshell, we bid farewell from glamorous Montevillebad!

End credits

Singer: Doofenshmirtz Swanky New Evil Lair!
Doofenshmirtz: Yeah, it's swanky!
Singer: It's an even swap,
A variation on a timeshare
He can use the kitchen and the hallway closet
Don't touch the rocket or you'll lose your deposit
It's an old-school evil hideout vacation swap.

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