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Lost in Danville/Transcript

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(Open up on Phineas and Ferb sitting under a tree in their backyard)
Phineas: It's a mystery, Ferb. A riddle. Whispering a secret to an enigma while driving down a lost highway in an Escher painting. How do they get the toothpaste into the tube?
Ferb: Sometimes, if you're lost, it's best to just go...
(Candace is listening to her MP3)
(Song: "Ordinary Day")

Ferb (cont'd): ... along for the ride.

Paisley Sideburn Brothers: (playing on Candace's MP3)
Take your time, look far and wide

Candace: New Paisley Sideburn Brothers album, don't make me bust.

Paisley Sideburn Brothers (cont'd): (playing on Candace's MP3)
Just step outside, take a walk on the sunny side

Phineas: And how do they get the red and blue toothpaste to swirl?
(A mysterious capsule falls from the sky)
Phineas: Whoa. Hmm. Apparently, it just fell out of the sky.
(Ferb puts up an umbrella)
Phineas: Well, I guess it's the only one. Let's open it up and see what's inside.
(Ferb puts down the umbrella and walks up to the capsule. He attempts to open it up.)
Phineas: Wow. It's a day full of questions. First the toothpaste, and now this.
Ferb: And of course, "where's Perry?"
Phineas: Yeah! See what I mean? We're up to our armpits in enigmas!

(cut to Perry's lair)
Major Monogram: Ah, Agent P. Glad you're here. Doofenshmirtz has been incommunicado for far too long. Either he's up to something big or he's met with some sort of foul play. (Perry leaves his seat) Man, that was rather abrupt. You know, sometimes, I feel like he just comes here to get his assignments.

(cut to Phineas and Ferb's backyard. There's a banging sound.)
Phineas: Aw, crud. It's the third battle ax I've broken on this thing. Sorry about that, Dumpy.
Dumpamir: The name is Dumpamir!
Baljeet: Wow! The fact that we cannot open it makes discovering the contents that much more tantalizing!
Phineas: I know, right? Luckily, Ferb has been working on a special z-ray machine that can see through any substance on the periodic table. It's highly experimental so you might want to encase yourself in this lead body armor.
(machine fires)
Ferb: Well, we can't see into the capsule, but your second molar has a cavity. And it looks like Mrs. Garcia-Shapiro is making kreplach tortillas.

(cut to:)
Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!
(Perry walks in. Dr. Doofenshmirtz is missing)
(black and white flashback starts. Doofenshmirtz is on his evil blog.)
Doofenshmirtz: (A shadowy figure grabs him and he screams)
(Perry notices a new -inator. Doofenshmirtz is put in blindfold. Perry realizes Doofenshmirtz's foot tracks.)
Doofenshmirtz: Hey! That's my lunch!

(cut to Phineas and Ferb's backyard. A piano is dropped on the capsule.)
Phineas: I think I'm actually running out of ideas here.
Isabella: And pianos.
Baljeet: Should I go get a pipe organ?
Buford: I know the secret of how to open that hatch!
Phineas: You do?
Buford: I do! You see, for generations and generations, the Van Stomm family has been the guardian of the secret knowledge and protectors of the mystery capsule. We made the thirteenth-century Templars look like a bunch of wusses. And throughout the ages, our family has pledged our lives to conceal it from the unenlightened. And in doing so, we were entrusted with the only key that can unlock the capsule secrets.
Baljeet: Really?
Buford: Nah, just messin' with ya. I found it on the other side of the fence. I saw it fall out of the lock when the capsule dropped from the sky.
Phineas: It's worth a try.

(cut to Perry)
Major Monogram: Nice work, Agent P. Carl's analyzing the footprint sample you pulled from Doof's living room as we speak.
Carl: We've analyzed the mud and there seems to be a large number of caffeine molecules in there. Along with some rain water.
Major Monogram: So our only leads are coffee and the rainy climate. That could be anywhere!

(cut to Seattle, WA. Doofenshmirtz is in a dark room in barrel-shaped furniture)
Doofenshmirtz: Uh, hello! Anyone there? Marco! Y-you're supposed to say Polo! There better be a satisfying explanation for this when it's over or I'm gonna be merciless on my blog!

(cut to Phineas and Ferb's backyard. Ferb inserts the key in the capsule.)
Phineas: Yeah, baby!
Baljeet: What mysteries does it contain? (gasps) Perhaps dozens of stray Schrödinger's cats!
Buford: But I ain't cleaning that litter box.
(capsule opens)
(all gasp)
Baljeet: Why is it smoking like that?
Buford: And why are we all tilted?
Irving: Whoops, sorry!
Crazy Old Man: You understand what you've done?
Phineas: Who are you?
Crazy Old Man: I'm you! From the future!
(all gasp)

(cut to Doofenshmirtz. The shadowy figure takes off his blindfold)
Doofenshmirtz: (gasps) Peter the Panda? Oh, that was a good shot of me. Oh, and that one. That one, too. And that one, that one was terrible, my nose looked all crooked, eh, it needed scribbling on it.
Shadowy Figure: Hello, Doofenshmirtz!
Doofenshmirtz: Hello, inky shape hovering in the darkness, what gives?
Shadowy Figure: It is I, Professor Mystery.
Doofenshmirtz: Okay.
Professor Mystery: Peter the Panda never mentioned me?
Doofenshmirtz: No, but he doesn't actually, you know, talk. So, you gonna tell me why you kidnapped me? (no response) Um, hello! I know you're still out there. I can see your eyeballs. What's with all the silence? It's very off putting.
Professor Mystery: Mystery...is my allure.
Doofenshmirtz: Oh. This is gonna be a fun conversation.

(cut to Phineas and Ferb's backyard)
Phineas: Wait a minute. You're me from the future? What happened to my nose?
Crazy Old Man: Never mind about our nose...es. Listen to that. If that hamster stops running, the black hole will break containment, reality will collapse, and now you've exposed my hamster to atmosphere! It's only a matter of time before he weakens!
Baljeet: Wait, you have a hamster that's allergic to air?
Crazy Old Man: You must believe me!
Baljeet: Why?
Crazy Old Man: Because I'm you from the future!
Baljeet: Wait, I am not Indian in the future?
Crazy Old Man: 'Kay! (to Isabella) I'm you from the future.
Isabella: That doesn't even make sense.
Old Woman: Stop telling people you're them from the future!
Phineas: Who's that?
Crazy Old Man: That's just Denise. Ignore her. She's no one from the future.
Denise: I heard that! Hi, kids. Sorry for the intrusion.
Crazy Old Man: There's no time to lose!
Denise: Settle down, Bernie! Remember your blood pressure!
Bernie: What did I tell you? It's happening. He's slowing down!
Denise: Oh, let him! I'm so tired of that hamster runnin' our lives!
(The capsule is beeping.)
Phineas: What's that flashing?
Baljeet: That cannot be good.
Buford: Well, you did hit it with a lot of pianos.

(Cut to Doofenshimirtz in a capsule carried on furniture dolly by Professor Mystery.)
Doofenshmirtz: Seriously though, what's with the kidnapping? And why do you have an obsessive shrine to Peter the Panda?
Professor Mystery: Because I am Peter the Panda's nemesis.
Doofenshmirtz: (gasps)
Professor Mystery: You're surprised?
Doofenshmirtz: Well yeah, of course. But come on, if I knew he had a nemesis. I would never want to be the other evil scientist. (sees Professor Mystery's -inator) Ooh! An inator! So what does it do?
Professor Mystery: I can't divulge that because mystery...
Doofenshmirtz: ...is your allure. Yeah, yeah, I know. So do you tell Peter the Panda your plans before or after you trap him? It's just...I'm always interested in process.
Professor Mystery: I don't tell him at all. It would ruin the mystery...which is my—
Doofenshmirtz: But he's your nemesis! He's gotta know what he's thwarting! I mean, it's just common courtesy! What, you expect him to infer it from your complicated backstories? (Mystery simply walks away.) Wait, don't—Oh, no. Don't tell me that you've never even given him a backstory! Well, there's your problem! There's your problem right there!
Professor Mystery: What?
Doofenshmirtz: Lack of communication. Gimme a beat. (A beat is somehow given and chorus girls appear out of nowhere.)
(Song: "Talk to Him")
Doofenshmirtz: You can can it with the mystery,
You don't have to be so vague.
Chorus girls: So vague!
Doofenshmirtz: Give your nemesis some history,
All the reasons you're a...
Doofenshmirtz and chorus girls: Rotten egg.

Doofenshmirtz: (While Chorus girls ooh in the background) It's not enough just to show him your device,
You've got to tell him what it does.
I think you'll be surprised that his attention span,
He's the only one that's gonna understand,
You gotta tell him all of your evil plans, because...

Doofenshmirtz and chorus girls: You've got to...
Doofenshmirtz: Talk to him
Chorus girls: Ooh!
Doofenshmirtz: Tell him...
Doofenshmirtz and chorus girls: Every twisted scheme that's in your head
Doofenshmirtz: Talk to him
Chorus girls: Ooh!
Doofenshmirtz: You've got to...
Doofenshmirtz and chorus girls: Give him some specifics he can dread.

Doofenshmirtz: Talk to him.
Don't just...
Doofenshmirtz and chorus girls: Stand there like a rock.
Doofenshmirtz: He's got two furry ears, so use them
Chorus girls: Use them!
Doofenshmirtz: I know you really want to bruise him
Chorus girls: Bruise him!
Doofenshmirtz: But I think you're gonna lose him if you don't talk
Chorus girls: If you don't talk

Doofenshmirtz: Communication is the key,
If you just open up, you'll see,
And maybe he'll stop thwarting me...
Doofenshmirtz and chorus girls: If you just talk!
(The number ends and the girls leave.)
Professor Mystery: How did you get chorus girls in here?
Doofenshmirtz: Eh, they're union, they'll travel.

(Cut back to the backyard where the hamster is slowing down.)
Bernie: (holding Phineas) There's only one way to stop this! Listen carefully! (A red bird flies out of his beard with the wind.) Hey, Denise, I found your bird!
Denise: You did? Where was he?
Bernie: He was in my beard! (back to Phineas) Anyway, there's only one way to stop this! (gets blown away and screams)
Isabella, Buford and Baljeet: Oh no!
Phineas: Quick, everyone! Grab hold of the tree!
(They do.)
Isabella: Now what?!
Baljeet: Of course, this is the one time an object has not disappeared from the backyard!
Buford: Yeah, that's an annoying break in the pattern!
Isabella: Well, actually, that's not the pattern! The pattern makes something disappear after—
(pause for dramatic effect)
Everyone: CANDACE!!!!
(Cut to Candace's bedroom where she is still listening to her music. She then looks out her window at the chaos and instantly goes into busting mode.)
Candace: (gasps) MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM!!!

(Cut back to Mystery's lair.)
Professor Mystery: You're the last person I'm going to take advice from, you nemesis stealer!
Doofenshmirtz: Even with musical accompaniment, you just don't get it. Ugh! I'munna have to spell it out for you: It's not my fault that you and Peter are having problems. It's yours!
Professor Mystery: (activating the inator) We'll see whose fault it is, after I activate my true-purpose-shrouded-in-an-enigma-inator! (The inator activates) Because in just a few moments, you will be zapped, and my vengeance will be complete!
Doofenshmirtz: (sighs) Yawn! I mean I-I-I'd be so much more concerned if I understood what the stakes were, man. Y-Y-You've (sighs again) Man!
Professor Mystery: Hmm?
(Cut to a wall being burned through. Peter the Panda comes out from the other side.)
Doofenshmirtz: Peter the Panda! Wow, I never thought I would be so glad to see my nemesis.
Professor Mystery: Peter the Panda is not your nemesis!
Doofenshmirtz: Ah, you're right. He's not even my nemesis. H-H-He's more of a thwarty call.
Professor Mystery: Don't you diminish him like th— (he gets body slammed by Peter.) See? He's thwarting me! You mean nothing to him, Doofenshmirtz! (gets punched) Yes yes! (gets punched again) You see? This is good, isn't it? (to Peter) What did he give you that I couldn't give you?
Doofenshmirtz: An evil monologue for one thing!
Professor Mystery: What?
Doofenshmirtz: Communication! Oh, for cryin' out loud! At least tell him what your inator does!!
Professor Mystery: Huh? Oh yes! It's an unexist-inator!
Doofenshmirtz: WHAT?!??!?! Well-Well, now I'm worried! See? Communication. It works.
(Perry finally makes his entrance and tips the inator up to which it fires out of the ceiling and bounces off the Space Needle.)

(Cut back to the backyard.)
Buford: I can't hold on much longer! The one day my—
(Song: "Tuff Gum" (instrumental))
Announcer: TUFF SHOO LAYSIZZ!
Buford: —are in the wash! (He lets go of the branch and flies off.)
(Right on cue, the inator beam makes the capsule disappear from existence. Also, right on cue, Candace brings her mother out to the backyard.)
Candace: Hurry, Mom! C'mon c'mon! What?!
Baljeet: That did not hurt as much as I expected.
Buford: Yeah, you're welcome, people.

(Cut to a coffee shop where Mystery and Peter are having a conversation as Doofenshmritz and Perry look from the window.)
Professor Mystery: So, my own parents accidentally created a black hole and became obsessed with containing it, eventually firing themselves into orbit for fear that they would jeopardize the planet, but they abandoned me in the process. That is what motivated me to become evil in the first place and, eventually, build my unexist-inator, which you destroyed tonight! Wow, it really feels great to tell someone all this!
(The crazy old people from the backyard approach him.)
Bernie and Denise: Son!
Professor Mystery: Mom? Dad?! You're back! (He hugs them.)
Denise: Awww...
Professor Mystery: I want you guys to meet my nemesis, Peter the Panda.
Bernie: You have a nemesis?
Denise: Our boy's all grown up!
Bernie: Why is he a panda bear?
Denise: Bernie!
Bernie: What? I was just wondering.
(Cut to outside as Doofenshmritz and Perry leave them.)
Doofenshmirtz: Come on, Perry the Platypus. Let's go home. I talk to you enough, right? Yeah, you're right. Maybe too much.

(Cut back to the backyard.)
Linda: Why don't you come in for some snacks, kids? And if you see your dad, tell him to join us.
Candace: But-but-but-but... Fine.
Phineas: Y'know that was pretty intense, Ferb. We could've blown up the planet or ripped open the space-time continuum or something. I just hope we didn't cause any real damage. (A polar bear appears next to them.) Oh, hi, Dad! Mom has snacks if you wanna join us!
Polar bear (with Lawrence's voice): Oh, jolly good, boys. I am a bit peckish.
Phineas: Maybe there's some pie left.
(A hole opens behind the boys as another Phineas looks on. Cut to the other side of the hole to show the real Phineas and Ferb working on the sorbet machine that turns people into flies.)
The real Phineas: Whoa! That was weird! Was that us?
'The real 'Ferb: Couldn't be. That Phineas had four white stripes on his shirt, and you only have three.
Phineas: Good point. Not to mention our dad isn't a polar bear.

End Credits

(standalone broadcasts only)
(Song: "Talk to Him")
Doofenshmirtz: Talk to him
Chorus girls: Ooh!
Doofenshmirtz: You've got to...
Doofenshmirtz and chorus girls: Give him some specifics he can dread.

Doofenshmirtz: Talk to him.
Don't just...
Doofenshmirtz and chorus girls: Stand there like a rock.
Doofenshmirtz: He's got two furry ears, so use them
Chorus girls: Use them!
Doofenshmirtz: I know you really want to bruise him
Chorus girls: Bruise him!
Doofenshmirtz: But I think you're gonna lose him if you don't talk
Chorus girls: If you don't talk

Doofenshmirtz: Communication is the key,
If you just open up, you'll see,
And maybe he'll stop thwarting me...
Doofenshmirtz and chorus girls: If you just talk!

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