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Magic Carpet Ride/Transcript

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< Magic Carpet Ride

(Song: Pinhead Pierre Theme)

Pinhead Pierre
(remaining lyrics are sung under Lawrence & Phineas's dialogue)
Has the smallest head of which I'm aware
It's about the size and shape of a pear
Everywhere the children stare
Life's cruel and unfair
To Pinhead Pierre!

Lawrence: Boys! Boys! Come quick!
Phineas: What is it, Dad?
Lawrence: It's the new, digitally remastered third series of Pinhead Pierre! (boys bounce down on a large inflatable ball) Only the best series ever and my most favorite show ever. That's all.
Phineas: You had us at come quick.

Pinhead Pierre: Hi kids! (kids applaud and cheer) Kids, sometimes when your head is this small, you just want to get away for a bit. You know, escape from all the laughing and pointing. Whenever I feel like that, you know what I do? Magic carpet ride! Roll out your official Pinhead Pierre rugs, kids!
Lawrence: Right-o! (runs to get it) It's been at my bedside all these years! (pushes coffee table over) Hop on, boys! (all sit on rug) We're about to take off on the ride of a lifetime!
Pinhead Pierre: What's the magic word?
Lawrence: Streptococcus!
Pinhead Pierre: Whoa! Whoa! We're flying!
Lawrence: Here we go, boys!
Pinhead Pierre: (showing obviously fake birds and clouds) And look out below! It's Paris. There's the Arc de Triomphe and the Eiffel Tower! And there's the Colosseum?! What's that doing here?!
Linda: Lawrence, can you look at these tile samples with me? I want to re-do the living room.
Lawrence: (sadly) Oh well, I suppose it wasn't quite as thrilling as I remember. Carry on, boys.
Phineas: Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today! Hey, where's Perry?


(Perry lands in his lair to see Major Monogram asleep. He gives a disapproving look at the monitor.)
Major Monogram: (wakes up; clears throat) WRONG PANTS! Huh? Oh, sorry, Agent P. Guess I was, uh, dozing there. Anyway, it appears Dr. Doofenshmirtz has completely cleared the Tri-State Area out of all grape juice, red wine, chocolate, marinara sauce, India ink, and, worst of all, (holds up mug) coffee! So, uh, go and, uh, you know, do the thing, that thing... Sorry. I'm just no good until I have that first mug o' Joe.
(Perry salutes)


(cut to Better Panda restaurant in Danville with Candace and Stacy Hirano)
Candace: I try and I try and I try and I try, but no matter what I do, things never work out like I planned! (Stacy is starting to fall asleep listening to her) Maybe if I knew how things were gonna turn out, I could plan for that and then do the right stuff! I know. I know. That doesn't make any sense, does it?
Stacy: You said it, sister. Have a cookie. (throws fortune cookie at her)
Candace: (sighs) I guess it's too much to expect some magic answer to all my problems. (breaks cookie) Let's see. "Somebody close to you will take a trip." Boy, I hope they take me with them.
Waiter: (trips on cookie on the ground, which is what Candace's fortune said) I'm okay!
Candace: Ha ha! That was great. What a dumb coincidence. (breaks another cookie) Let's try another. "You'll know the truth when it hits you." OK, boring.
(Crumples fortune up, throws it, it hits a cup which bounces back and hits her, answering another fortune. She looks at cookies with a surprised look.)
Stacy: Oh, no, girl. You are not--
Candace: (breaks another cookie) "Let the wisest among you light the way." There! A light bulb! And an old guy!
'"Old guy:"' Does anybody know where I live?
Stacy: But Candace, you jus--
Candace: No, Stacy. It's real. These cookies know what's going to happen next! I can use them to bust my brothers!
(The girls run out of the restaurant and Candace takes big bowl of cookies)
Thanks for the cookies!
Stacy: Candace!
Worker: HEY! THOSE COST A TENTH OF A CENT A PIECE! (puts out another bowl) So, enjoy them in good health, I guess.

(cut to living room at the Flynn-Fletcher home)
Lawrence: (walks in, boys are sitting on rug looking at TV with controllers) Well, another interior design crisis averted.
Phineas: Have a seat, Dad.
Lawrence: What, some new video game then?
Phineas: You'll see. Voice ignition system: active. Micro-filament omnidirectional jet grid: active. Anti-gravity quantum-state lift discs: active. We have lift-off in 4, 3, 2, 1. (entire second floor of the house opens up, carpet lifts off)
Lawrence: Has the entire second floor always opened up like this?
Phineas: We don't use it very often, but yeah.
Lawrence: Well, nostalgia's got nothing on this!


(The rug flies by Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated and pans over to it, where Perry is shown climbing up. He breaks in through a window, lands on a tile, then gets tied to a handcart. Doofenshmirtz walks over.)
Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus. Just in time. (pulls cart) Our flight is about to leave. Behold, the Stain-inator! What's it for, you ask? I'll tell you on the way.

(Cut to them flying across town on the Stain-inator)
Doofenshmirtz: It began in Gimmelshtump when I was a callow youth yearning for a career in fine art.

(Flashback of a younger Doofenshmirtz painting something)
Doofenshmirtz:' (Narrating) I quickly discovered that although I loved painting, (Shows young Doof ripping his painting in half) my muse was sometimes... inaccessible. (shows him lying on bed, depressed) Then one day, just as I was about to give up in frustration, inspiration struck.
(A bright light suddenly shines on young Doofenshmirtz's head, he smiles, and cuts to him splattering paint on a large canvas)
I was up for three days straight gripped in glorious, artistic fever. Then finally, my masterpiece!
(Light shines on painting, as it did on his head, then runs across to street to a younger Roger eating)
I rushed across the street to get my brother, Roger. He was in the middle of his favorite meal. A sloppy joe, greasy french fries with ketchup, grape juice, coffee, and chocolate pudding. And I insisted he come at once.
(Young Heinz starts pushing young Roger across the street. When they arrive, Roger spills his meal right into the painting.)
That day I made a solemn vow that Roger would pay for what he'd done. (cuts to them in an office) The next morning I had the solemn vow notarized.
(Flashback ends)

Doofenshmirtz: But today, I will finally get my revenge! You see, my brother, the honorable mayor Roger Doofenshmirtz, will be unveiling a new piece of art for the lobby of City Hall. Hence the Stain-inator, hence revenge, hence, uh... (Perry slowly wheels himself and his trap to the edge of the jet) no more hencing. That's about it.


(Cut to Phineas, Ferb, and Lawrence flying around on the carpet)
Lawrence: I say, boys, you can barely feel the road! It corners like a dream! Pinhead Pierre, eat your heart out!
Phineas: What do you say we take the gang for a spin?

(Cut to Isabella bird-watching in a tree. Phineas's hand reaches down to her)
Isabella: (gasps) Wow! (takes his hand)

(Song: Aerial Area Rug)

You can't see much of the skyline
It looks like more of a grid
(Phineas picks up Buford and Baljeet at the pier)
It's a viable variation of view
But it's something I'm sure we'll be glad that we did
It's not like the world that we see from the ground
I guess the main difference is we're looking down

So climb on our aerial area rug
It's certain to keep us aloft
Its aerodynamics are highly advanced
And its weave is so tight and so soft

Though this vista's diverse
Is it better or worse?
If you'll ask, I'll just give you a shrug
But you can vary your view of the area
From our aerial area rug

It's a brand new perspective
Literally
We can see the tops of buildings
Come along with me

You can vary your view of the area
From our aerial area rug
You can vary your view of the area
From our aerial area rug!

Lawrence: Ah, thank you, boys, this was lovely.
Ferb: And does anyone else want to be "king of the world"?
Phineas: Ah, keep it, bro. It suits you.

(Cut to Stacy and Candace walking on the street)
Candace: Okay. Here we go. "You choose the path that few others dare travel." Done and done. Come on, Stace! Follow me! (runs ahead)
Stacy: Really, Candace? What to you hope to accomplish by this?
(Girls walking on top of fence)
Candace: Everything! Don't you see? All the problems in my life can be solved through concrete knowledge of the future!
(Girls under bushes)
Stacy: Right; as you create a whole new set of problems.
Candace: Oh, stop being so close-minded. (girls walking through house/apartment) For instance, what's my biggest problem?
Stacy: You believe fortune cookies are real?
Candace: I mean, besides that.
Stacy: You're totally obsessed with busting your brothers!
Candace: Exactly! And with infallible fortune cookie guidance, I can accomplish that easily. (breaks cookie) Watch. "If something seems fishy, maybe it's a fish!"
Stacy: (sarcastically) Genius.
Fish seller: Hey all, catch it now! Fresh fish! Fresh fish!
Candace: What do you have to say now, Doubty McNonbelief?
Stacy: Why am I suddenly Irish?
Candace: To the fish market!
(The girls walk over to the fish market)
Candace: Excuse me, have you guys seen two little... (fish seller throws a fish to Candace) Oof! (Candace throws the fish to Stacy)
Stacy: Ew! Gross!
(Stacy throws the fish behind her; Candace and Stacy continue to relay fish in this manner)
Candace: Gross... but foretold, Stacy. Preordained! What's next? What's next?!
Stacy: Better be something about soap.
Candace: "One man's trash is another man's treasure." To the Dumpster!
(Candace is now buried in a Dumpster, covered in garbage)
Candace: "Success starts at home." Finally! It's go time! To the backyard!
Stacy: It gets hard to watch.


(Cut to Doofenshmirtz and Perry on the Stain-inator)
Doofenshmirtz: Boy, it's just gorgeous out, huh? A perfect day for ruining a City Hall lobby art dedication. You know, if you're into that kind of thing. Which I am!
(Perry wheels himself to the back of the Stain-inator)
Heh-heh. Either way, it's nice to get out of the lab for a change and, you know, try to destroy art in the fresh air.
(Perry jumps and loops the rope around him to one of the Stain-inator's tail fins)
Quite a field trip! TO THE DEATH!
(Perry unwinds the rope and gives the handcart to a woman carrying groceries)
Woman: Thank you!
(Perry tips his fedora and launches back up)
Doofenshmirtz: I'm sure if I thought about it, I could come up with some emotionally-scarring back-stories that are more outdoors-y... (Perry kicks Doofenshmirtz) Aouagh!
(Doofenshmirtz drops the remote, which lands and activates the Stain-inator, which fires rapidly in all directions. One black stain ball hits a billboard reading "glop (toothpaste) makes teeth white," turning the teeth on the billboard black)
(Cut to a psychiatrist's office)
Psychiatrist: (holding up a Rorschach blot) What does this look like to you?
(a red stain ball hits the window behind the psychiatrist)
Patient: (pointing at the stained window) That.
(Cut to a pure white mansion, where a man is sitting drinking tea. He sips his tea twice.)
(Cut to an outdoor café, where a man is sitting with his date)
Man: Well, it's great to finally meet you in... ah... chPERSON! (he sneezes on the last word; as he does so, a mucus-colored stain ball hits the woman in the face. The man coughs.) So, when can I see you again?

(Cut back to the Stain-inator)
Doofenshmirtz: Wow, not only does this thing work, it has a sense of irony! (Perry punches Doofenshmirtz) Ow!... AAAAAHHHHHH!
(Doofenshmirtz is now hanging by his ankle from the rope tied to the tail fin; Perry is still fighting him. The Stain-inator passes City Hall)
Roger: (addressing a crowd on the front steps of City Hall) Thank you, friends, and welcome.
Doofenshmirtz: (climbing back onto the Stain-inator) Right on time.
Roger: It fills me with great pride to contribute today to the cultural enrichment of the Tri-State Area. I've always been a great lover of the arts.
Doofenshmirtz: Liar, liar, pantalones del fuego. (Perry starts attacking Doofenshmirtz from behind) Yah! You again? (Doofenshmirtz presses a button on the remote) There. Auto-fire in 30 seconds. Nothing can stop it now.
Roger: You see, the greatest painting I ever saw was made by my brother Heinz.
Doofenshmirtz: You'd better believe it! Art killer.
Roger: And I, in an extraordinary act of clumsiness, destroyed it, denying him the accolades he so greatly deserved.
Doofenshmirtz: And here comes the payback...!
Roger: And that's why I've spent the last two decades restoring it to its former glory.
Doofenshmirtz: What? Huh, what? (rapidly pressing the remote) No no! No no! No no no no no no... OH NOOOOOO!!!!
Roger: Ladies and gentlemen, (removes the cover from the painting) my brother's painting! (a purple stain ball immediately hits the painting)
Doofenshmirtz: NOOOOOOoooohoohoohooooo...
Roger: Well, that was 20 years well-spent. (at his secretary) Melanie, what's my next appointment?

(Cut back to the Stain-inator; Perry is destroying it)
Doofenshmirtz: Go ahead, Perry the Platypus. I don't care anymore.
(Perry hang-glides off the Stain-inator as it crashes)


(Cut to Candace, who is running with garbage in her hair, a plastic six-pack holder on her arm, a tire around her waist, and her foot in a cardboard box)
Candace: Gotta get home, gotta get home... (gasps) There they are!
Lawrence, Phineas, Isabella, Buford, Baljeet: (on the magic carpet, singing) Pinhead Pierre, has the smallest head of which I'm aware...
Candace: Fate is kind.


(Cut to Doofenshmirtz at the crashed Stain-inator)
Doofenshmirtz: Behold this, you stupid... (kicks Stain-inator, causing one stain ball to fly out)


(Cut back to the Flynn-Fletcher house)
Candace: (running inside) Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee...
(The paint ball hits the bottom of the carpet and the second floor opens up, allowing the carpet back in)
Phineas: Did anyone else feel a drop?

Candace: (in the kitchen) Mom! Mom! Mom!
Linda: Hi Candace. That's a nice look for you.
Candace::You gotta see. Carpet! Living room. (pulls Linda away from the counter; the knife she was holding spins a few times and sticks in the counter) Now! Look.(drags Linda into the living room, where Lawrence and the kids have safely landed. The carpet has been dyed purple from the stain ball)
Linda: A new living room carpet! Oh, that's much better than tile. How lovely!
Candace: Bubububububu...
Linda: You surprised me, Lawrence. I thought you were gonna sit in front of this TV all day.
Lawrence: I... did!
Linda: Oh, you. (to the kids) I think this calls for a celebration. Who wants Chinese?
Phineas, Ferb, Buford, Baljeet, Isabella: Me!
Buford: Me!
Lawrence: I do!
(Everyone enters the kitchen except Candace. Stacy walks in)
Stacy: You okay, kiddo?
Candace: I don't get it! These things have been right about everything. I mean, look!
(Candace breaks the last cookie and reads the fortune. Her face goes blank and she shows the fortune to Stacy.)
Stacy: "Don't believe everything you read." Words to live by.

End credits

(Song: Aerial Area Rug)

We can see the tops of buildings
Come along with me

You can vary your view of the area
From our aerial area rug
You can vary your view of the area
From our aerial area rug!

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