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(Scene opens up on the Ferb-Fletcher house.)
Lawrence: (offscreen) Imagine you're a teenager...
(Cut to the kitchen where Lawrence is talking to Phineas and Ferb in front of a jukebox.)
Lawrence: 1957! You place your shiny, hard-earned nickel into the coin slot! Think of it: all your favorite bands playing all their greatest hits at any time you want! You make your selection, guiding your chosen 45-RPM disc onto the magical turning table, center stage! Then, with the gentle noise an arm holding the needle lowers itself and finds its way into the groove! You turn around knowing the song you've chosen more than anything else twirls the world what you're all about!
(Song: Jammie Lad)
Jukebox: I'm a jammie lad
I've got the smashing bird
And my trousers are mobbed and groovy
Lawrence: Hmm... and this leads directly to the 1960s. (unplugs the jukebox) Oh, well, time to get this beaut to the antique shop. (wheels it away) Ta, boys!
Phineas: All your favorites bands playing all their greatest hits any time you want. Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today! Hey, where's Perry?

(Cut to Perry in the garage by the station wagon. He puts on his fedora and jacks all the way down to his lair.)
Major Monogram: Morning Agent P, we have a situation here, the royal Princess Baldegunde from Drusselstein is in town. She's here to give the "Drusselsteinian Favorite Son" Award to Mayor Roger Doofenshmirtz during the unveiling of the new Danville Opera House. We assume Dr. Doofenshmirtz will do something to disrupt the ceremony. He's been buying up all the claw machines in the Tri-State Area. We don't know exactly what his plan is, but do the math: Princess, Opera house, claw machines, stuffed animal. You put that together and you get a...Claw-Princess-Animal, uh, Stuffed-Claw-House--
Carl: (offscreen) Uh, ooh ooh ooh ooh...

Carl: Or a...or a, Singing Animal Claw-
Clawpera House,
Stuffy Stuffness!

Major Monogram: A Singing Claw-
Clawing
Clawing House with a-

Major Monogram: It's terrifying, you must stop Doofenshmirtz and make sure the princess is safe. We don't actually have a photo of her, but whatever, she's a 15-year-old girl, they all pretty much look alike... Carl, put up a picture of a 15-year-old girl! (A picture of Candace appears on screen).... And now put a crown on her. (A crown is superimposed onto Candace's head) There! There's your princess.
Carl: (offscreen) Oh wait sir, I found a picture of the actual princess.
Major Monogram: All right, put it up there. (A picture of the princess appears and she has an uncanny resemblance to Candace) Oh, wow, what are the odds?
Carl: (offscreen) Well, it is a cartoon, sir.
Major Monogram: What did I tell you about breaking the fourth wall, Carl?
Carl: (offscreen) Sorry, sir.

(Cut to the streets of Danville where a horse-drawn carriage is making its way down)
Man: (Drusselsteinian accent) At two o'clock, you have gala ball. At 2:30, you have premiere gala. At three o'clock, you have Gala-Gala Oxen Free.
Princess Baldegunde: (looking up from a magazine, also speaking in a Drusselsteinian accent) Yes, yes. But when do we make shopping at fun American mall time?
Man: Well, we have eleven minutes until gala gathering, so maybe we make six minutes for American shopping at mall.
Princess Baldegunde: (gasps) Oh, thank you, Royal Fake Daddy Chaperone Servant Guiserblint!

(Cut to the Googolplex Mall.)
Candace: (on phone) Ah, Stacy, I tell my mom I'm heading to the mall to get some makeup and she hands me a list of other stuff I have to get. Why do I have to do everything? Shop at the mall, bust my brothers.
(Cut to Stacy in her bedroom)
Stacy: Technically, you don't have to bust your brothers.
(Cut back to Candace.)
Candace: Oh, really, Stacy? Well, they're not gonna bust themselves! Oh, great, a sale. Now guess who's gonna have to go in there and try stuff on? Call ya later, Stace. (hangs up and walks in) Since I have to do everything! (gasps)
(Candace looks at a dress she likes. Princess Baldegunde sees the same dress and gasps. They both grab at it and fight for it before Candace pulls both the dress and the Princess and they topple over and gasp.)
Princess Baldegunde: You are my doppelgänger!
Candace: Your doppel-who?
Princess Baldegunde: My mythological exact twin! My double who walks Earth same as me.
Candace: Woah! Cool! I wonder if I have a doppelgänger, too.
Princess Baldegunde: Yes, that is me. We are for each other doppelgängers.
Candace: Wait a second. Does this mean if we accidentally touch, we'll rip apart the very fabric of the universe?
Princess Baldegunde: Maybe. (She touches her twin's shirt, nothing happens) We live! I am Princess Baldegunde of Drusselstein.
Candace: And I am Candace of Flynn.
Princess Baldegunde: We should hang out today and make freaking out on unsuspecting passersby.
Candace: I'd love to, but I gotta finish shopping and get back to my brothers who are making some impossible thing in the backyard.
Princess Baldegunde: (gasps) You make life like American teenage girls on TV! For me, I do nothing, because everything is done for me at clap of hands. (clap clap)
Guiserblint: Yes, Your Highness?
Princess Baldegunde: No, no, sorry. You may go.
Guiserblint: I may go. (leaves)
Princess Baldegunde: See? I never get to do anything for myself.
Candace: And I have to do everything for myself.
Candace and Princess Baldegunede: (gasp) I got it!
Candace: Let's go to the laundromat and fill the dryers with cheese!
Princess Baldegunde: What?! No! Let us trade lives. Oh! I thought for sure on same page we were. Hmm. Come, Candace of Flynn.
Candace: Oh, trade lives! Yeah, good.
(Flip to the fitting rooms. The Princess comes out wearing Candace's wardrobe but still wearing her crown.)
Princess Baldegunde: Wow! Never before has such cheap fabric touched royal skin.
(Candace comes out in the Princess' clothes)
Candace: This is like I'm wearing a cloud of butter. Say, don't princesses need to know a lot of manners and stuff?
Princess Baldegunde: Nope. (putting her crown on Candace's head) All you need is this. (gasp) They come! Remember, clap clap. (she runs off)
Candace: (waves) Good luck.
Guiserblint: Did you enjoy your royal six minutes in the mall, Your Royal Highness?
Candace: Yes...I...am. (clap clap) Bring me a glass of water (Guiserblint produces a glass) and a cracker. (A woman behind her gets a cracker.) Okay, bring me an x-ray of a kangaroo with three legs. (Guiserblint shows the X-ray, while another man holds up three mannequin legs) No, no, the kangaroo has three legs. (Another man shows the x-ray of the kangaroo with three legs) Ah! There you go.

(Cut to the backyard.)
Phineas: I guess we could send out invitations, but that's the good thing about a giant jukebox: You build it, the party comes to you.
Princess Baldegunde: Pinnayus and Ferb! Just look at you two! You two are my younger brothers! And of course, I am Candace, your big sister, am I not?
Phineas: Yes...
Princess Baldegunde: "Yes" is correct! And shall we play together today, yes?
Phineas: Um, sure. We're gonna construct a giant jukebox here in the backyard.
Princess Baldegunde: (clapping) Oh, goody! Giant construction project is my most favorite game!
(Isabella, Baljeet and Buford enter)
Isabella: Hey, Phineas! Whatcha doin'?
Princess Baldegunde: Today, we shall make play here in the backyard as constructor persons. And we shall make a giant-sized jukebox. It is a most joyful way for all of us to make play, is it not?
(Isabella, Baljeet and Buford simply stare at the Candace impostor.)
Buford: I'm outta here.

(Cut to Doofenshmirtz Evil Dirigible)
Doofenshmirtz in a blimp again
(Perry jet packs onto the blimp. Cut to Doofenshmirtz next to a crane machine in the blimp.)
Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus. It's ironic that you look like a stuffed animal in one of those claw machine games. And by "ironic"... (Doof pushes a button on the claw machine, and the claw grabs Perry, trapping him) I mean "totally flat-out ronic." And speaking of claw machines, (showing a joystick on another side of the blimp) I've gathered up all the arcade machines in the Tri-State Area to make one giant Super Claw (cut to the Super Claw under the blimp)....inator. My fascination with these started when I was just a little boy.

(Flashback)
Doofenshmirtz: (voiceover) Back in Gimmelshtump, one day, when I was walking through the Claw Machine District, something caught my eye. In this machine that usually just has rocks in it, there was an actual teddy bear! Fortunately, I had with me my allowance, which I'd been saving for a whole year: one three-cent coin. I dropped it into a slot, then carefully maneuvered the claw toward the beckoning fuzzy grail! Odds were against me, but then it happened! The miracle! The claw grabbed the stuffed animal; it was mine! Then, like a knight of yore, I gallantly gave the prize to my beloved mother... who immediately turned around and gave it to my brother, Roger. I was crushed as I watched Roger produce a big red marker and write his name on the toy. And then afterwards proceed to do the same to my mother, claiming both as his own, effectively shutting me out of the family dynamic.
(End flashback)

Doofenshmirtz: So now, with my giant claw, I will wreak vengeance on my brother, and take away his giant opera house! (Evil laugh) So, what's new with you?

(Cut to a palace where Candace is sitting on a throne. Guiserblint comes forward with a bucket of gold coins, with some coins scattered on a rug in front of Candace.)
Guiserblint: And where would you like your bucket of gold?
Candace: Yeah, just put it there at the end. (Guiserblint pours some more gold at the end of the rug. Candace takes off her shoes.) Okay, you can go now. (She lifts her dress up and runs gleefully through the coins in her bare feet. She stops and a record needle scratch is heard.) Wow, I've been given all this power and how I've chosen to use it is to run through gold coins barefoot....I'm a genius!! (runs back to the throne) Ha ha ha!

(Cut back to the backyard where the Princess is kneeling at two pieces of wood and a nail and is wearing a hard hat)
Princess Baldegunde: Okay, now I hammer. (clap clap) Hammer? (clap clap) Hammer?
Baljeet: Your legs do not appear to be broken.
Princess Baldegunde: You are right! Broken, they are not! I can be fetching hammer for myself, can I not? (runs off) Here I go! Never so much fun have I had!
Phineas: Wow! Candace really seems to be enjoying herself today.
Ferb: And she seems to have acquired an upper-class Drusselsteinian speech pattern.
Phineas: Yeah. Let's just go with it.

(Cut back to the blimp)
Doofenshmirtz: Going to the Opera House, WOOT! WOOT! C'mon, Perry, sing along! (Perry buries himself among the stuffed animals) W-W-Wait. What are you doing? (Perry sticks his arm out of the prize slot and pulls a lever) Whoa! (The blimp tips over along with the claw machine, and Perry escapes.) Got to reach controls...WOOT! WOOT! (He grabs the lever and tips the blimp back upright) See? Everything works with the woots. (Perry jumps onto the joystick and grabs it) Hey! Hey, le-leggo of that! WOOT! WOOT! See, I'm tellin' ya.

(Cut back to the backyard, where a humongous jukebox now stands.)
Phineas: And the giant jukebox is done! Now all we need to do is fill it with music.
(Love Händel walks by, followed by Jeremy and the Incidentals.)
Princess Baldegunde: Hello, cute blonde boy with guitar.
Jeremy: Hey...cute redhead...talking funny. See ya after the set.

(Cut back to Candace on the throne, where she is just sitting.)
(Song: Watchin' and Waitin' (instrumental))
Guiserblint: Her Majesty would like to run through gold with no shoes?
Candace: Nah, been there, done that. (Guiserblint leaves) Wow. Absolute power bores absolutely. (Her phone rings, she picks up) Hello?
(Cut to the Princess holding up the Jeremy and the Incidentals logo.)
Princess Baldegunde: Candace? I need to ask you question. How is pronounce the name of cute blond boy with guitar?
(Cut back to Candace.)
Candace: (suspiciously) What cute blond boy?
(Cut back to the Princess.)
Princess Baldegunde: The one with band! Is it "Jer-EH-mee" or "Jer-ME"?
(Cut back to Candace)
Candace: It's pronounced, "Stay away from him!" (The Princess hangs up and Candace gets a dial tone) Hello? Hello? Okay, that tears it! (Takes off the Princess' dress revealing her regular wardrobe underneath) That's enough princess for today! I want my life back! (runs off)
Guiserblint: (chasing after her) Your Majesty! City Hall Opera Gala is about to begin!

(Cut to the backyard. Candace runs through the fence door and approaches her doppelgänger.)
Candace: Stay away from Jeremy! Is this a giant jukebox? Have you told Mom yet?
Princess Baldegunde: I should be telling of the Mother?
Candace: Wait, stay right here! I'll be right back!
Guiserblint: Your Highness! Your Highness! (gasps) Ceremony is about to start! (takes the Princess' hand) We go now!

(Cut back to the blimp where Doofenshmirtz and Perry are still fighting over the joystick)
Doofenshmirtz: You're messing up my trajectory! (Perry grabs the joystick, which drops the Giant Claw-inator and grabs hold of the jukebox)
Candace: (approaching her mother) Mom! Mom! Giant jukebox! Come on! Come on! (Candace runs outside to see the blimp take the jukebox. Linda follows.) You missed it. Giant jukebox, doppelgänger, everything, all gone.
Linda: Cool.

(Cut to the Opera House where there is a huge gathering outside.)
Guiserblint: To celebrate ze linking of the two cultures and ze lifetime achievements of Roger Doofenshmirtz, vill you please join me in velcoming Princess Baldegunde of Drusselstein!
(The crowd cheers as the Princess, back in her royal regalia, takes the stage.)
Princess Baldegunde: Like Roger Doofenshmirtz, I grew up in a very different country.
(They suddenly look at the blimp carrying the giant jukebox.)
Doofenshmirtz: (once again fighting over the joystick) Perry the Platypus, stop it! I have to put down this jukebox so I can pick up the Opera House!
(The Giant Claw-inator, drops the jukebox onto the top of the Opera House.)
Doofenshmirtz: I did it! I...Not strictly according to plan, but I...Still, I have disrupted the ceremony. WOOT! WOOT! See? Everything works with the woot-woots.
Princess Baldegunde: It is a jukebox! It is our jukebox! Oh, this is most wonderful! Citizens of Danville, I had been come here today to give you long boring speech, but no longer. Instead, I give to you... (she runs up to the top of the roof with a quarter in her hand, which she shows) twenty-five American cents! (She puts the quarter in the jukebox and pushes Jeremy and the Incidentals.) Time for everybody to make play as happy dancing persons! Here is Cute Blonde Boy with Guitar!

Jeremy: Here we go!

(Song: Do Nothing Day)
Jeremy: Beautiful, kind and gentle
And loving and softness and sweetness and candy and gum ...

(Whip pan to another part of Danville)
Man: A giant jukebox! They built it! Let's bring the party to them!

(Whip pan back to the Opera House.)

Jeremy: ...and bunnies
And happy songs we can all hum

Doofenshmirtz: Oh! Oh, no! Everyone is enjoying themselves! Even Roger! Oh, my plan has failed! Curse you, Perry the Platypus!

Jeremy: Slow down
And look around you

(Cut to the backyard. Agent P parachutes down and goes back to pet mode.)
Phineas: Oh, there you are, Perry! I'm glad you weren't in the jukebox, wherever that went.
(Perry chatters)

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"Brain Drain"
Episode transcripts Next:
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v - e - dEpisode transcripts
Season 1
"Rollercoaster" | "Lawn Gnome Beach Party of Terror" | "Flop Starz" | "The Fast and the Phineas"
"Lights, Candace, Action!" | "Raging Bully" | "Candace Loses Her Head" | "I, Brobot"
"Run Away Runway" | "The Magnificent Few" | "S'Winter" | "Jerk De Soleil" | "Are You My Mummy?"
"Ready for the Bettys" | "I Scream, You Scream" | "Toy to the World" | "Get That Bigfoot Outa My Face!"
"It's a Mud, Mud, Mud, Mud World" | "Mom's Birthday" | "Journey to the Center of Candace"
"It's About Time!" | "Dude, We're Getting the Band Back Together" | "Tree to Get Ready"
"The Ballad of Badbeard" | "Greece Lightning" | "Leave the Busting to Us!" | "Crack That Whip"
"The Best Lazy Day Ever" | "Boyfriend From 27,000 B.C." | "Voyage to the Bottom of Buford"
"A Hard Day's Knight" | "Traffic Cam Caper" | "Bowl-R-Ama Drama" | "Got Game?" | "Comet Kermillian"
"Put That Putter Away" | "Does This Duckbill Make Me Look Fat?" | "The Flying Fishmonger"
"One Good Scare Ought to Do It!" | "The Monster of Phineas-n-Ferbenstein" | "Oil on Candace"
"Out of Toon" | "Hail Doofania!" | "Out to Launch" | "Phineas and Ferb Get Busted!"
"Unfair Science Fair" | "Unfair Science Fair Redux (Another Story)"
Season 2
"The Lake Nose Monster" | "Interview With a Platypus" | "Tip of the Day" | "Attack of the 50 Foot Sister"
"Backyard Aquarium" | "Day of the Living Gelatin" | "Elementary My Dear Stacy" | "Don't Even Blink"
"Chez Platypus" | "Perry Lays an Egg" | "Gaming the System" | "The Chronicles of Meap"
"Thaddeus and Thor" | "De Plane! De Plane!" | "Let's Take a Quiz" | "At the Car Wash"
"Oh, There You Are, Perry" | "Swiss Family Phineas" | "Hide and Seek" | "That Sinking Feeling"
"The Baljeatles" | "Vanessassary Roughness" | "No More Bunny Business" | "Spa Day"
"Phineas and Ferb Musical Cliptastic Countdown" | "Phineas and Ferb's Quantum Boogaloo"
"Bubble Boys" | "Isabella and the Temple of Sap" | "Cheer Up Candace" | "Fireside Girl Jamboree"
"The Bully Code" | "Finding Mary McGuffin" | "Picture This" | "Nerdy Dancin'" | "What Do It Do?"
"Atlantis" | "Phineas and Ferb Christmas Vacation!" | "Just Passing Through" | "Candace's Big Day"
"I Was a Middle Aged Robot" | "Suddenly Suzy" | "Undercover Carl" | "Hip Hip Parade"
"Invasion of the Ferb Snatchers" | "Ain't No Kiddie Ride" | "Not Phineas and Ferb"
"Phineas and Ferb-Busters!" | "The Lizard Whisperer" | "Robot Rodeo" | "The Beak" | "She's the Mayor"
"The Lemonade Stand" | "Phineas and Ferb Hawaiian Vacation" | "Nerds of a Feather" | "Wizard of Odd"
"We Call it Maze" | "Ladies and Gentlemen, Meet Max Modem!" | "The Secret of Success"
"The Doof Side of the Moon" | "Split Personality" | "Brain Drain" | "Rollercoaster: The Musical!"
"Make Play" | "Candace Gets Busted"
Season 3
"The Great Indoors" | "Canderemy" | "Run, Candace, Run" | "Last Train to Bustville"
"Phineas' Birthday Clip-O-Rama!" | "The Belly of the Beast" | "Moon Farm" | "Ask a Foolish Question"
"Misperceived Monotreme" | "Candace Disconnected" | "Magic Carpet Ride" | "Bad Hair Day"
"Meatloaf Surprise" | "Phineas and Ferb Interrupted" | "A Real Boy" | "Mommy Can You Hear Me?"
"Road Trip" | "Tour de Ferb" | "Skiddley Whiffers" | "My Fair Goalie" | "Bullseye!" | "That's the Spirit"
"The Curse of Candace" | "Escape from Phineas Tower" | "Lotsa Latkes" | "Ferb Latin"
"A Phineas and Ferb Family Christmas" | "Tri-Stone Area" | "Doof Dynasty" | "Excaliferb"
"Phineas and Ferb and the Temple of Juatchadoon" | "Monster from the Id" | "Gi-Ants"
"The Remains of the Platypus" | "Mom's in the House" | "Perry The Actorpus" | "Let's Bounce"
"Bully Bromance Breakup" | "Quietest Day Ever" | "‎‎The Doonkelberry Imperative" | "Meapless in Seattle"
"Delivery of Destiny" | "Buford Confidential" | "The Mom Attractor" | "Cranius Maximus" | "Agent Doof"
"Minor Monogram" | "What A Croc!" | "Sleepwalk Surprise" | "Sci-Fi Pie Fly" | "Sipping with the Enemy"
"Tri-State Treasure: Boot of Secrets" | "Doofapus" | "Norm Unleashed" | "Where's Perry?"
"Where's Perry? (Part Two)" | "Ferb TV" | "When Worlds Collide" | "What'd I Miss?" | "Road to Danville"
"This Is Your Backstory" | "Blackout!"
Season 4
"For Your Ice Only" | "Happy New Year!" | "Fly On the Wall" | "Bully Bust" | "My Sweet Ride"
"Der Kinderlumper" | "Sidetracked" | "Primal Perry" | "Mind Share" | "Backyard Hodge Podge"
"Bee Day" | "Bee Story" | "Great Balls Of Water" | "Where's Pinky?"
"Phineas and Ferb Musical Cliptastic Countdown Hosted by Kelly Osbourne"
"Knot My Problem" | "Just Desserts" | "La Candace-Cabra" | "Happy Birthday, Isabella"
"Love at First Byte" | "One Good Turn" | "Thanks But No Thanks" | "Troy Story" | "Druselsteinoween"
"Terrifying Tri-State Trilogy of Terror" | "Face Your Fear" | "Cheers for Fears" | "Steampunx"
"Just Our Luck" | "Return Policy" | "Live and Let Drive" | "Father's Day" | "Imperfect Storm"
"The Return of the Rogue Rabbit" | "It's No Picnic" | "The Klimpaloon Ultimatum"
"Operation Crumb Cake" | "Mandace" | "Lost in Danville" | "The Inator Method"
"Tales from the Resistance: Back to the 2nd Dimension" | "Doof 101" | "Act Your Age"
Season 5
"Summer Block Buster" | "Cloudy with a Chance of Mom" | "Appetite for Adventure" | "License to Bust"
"Dry Another Day" | "Deconstructing Doof" | "Tropey McTropeface" | "Biblio-Blast!" | "A Chip to the Vet"
"More Than an Intern" | "The Aurora Perry-Alis" | "Agent T (For Teen)" | "The Haberdasher"
"The Candace Suit" | "Out of Character" | "Meap Me in St. Louis"
Specials
Original Pitch | "Phineas and Ferb: Summer Belongs to You!" | "Phineas and Ferb: Mission Marvel"
"Phineas and Ferb Save Summer" | "Phineas and Ferb: Star Wars" | "Night of the Living Pharmacists"
"Last Day of Summer" | "O.W.C.A. Files" | "The Phineas and Ferb Effect"
Films
Across the 2nd Dimension | Candace Against the Universe
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