(Scene opens up on the Ferb-Fletcher house.)
Lawrence: (offscreen) Imagine you're a teenager...
(Cut to the kitchen where Lawrence is talking to Phineas and Ferb in front of a jukebox.)
Lawrence: 1957. You place your shiny, hard-earned nickel into the coin slot. Think of it: all your favorite bands playing all their greatest hits at any time you want. You make your selection, guiding your chosen 45-RPM disc onto the magical turning table, center stage. Then, with the gentle noise an arm holding the needle lowers itself and finds its way into the groove. You turn around knowing the song you've chosen more than anything else twirls the world what you're all about!
(Song: Jammie Lad)
Jukebox: ♪ I'm a jammie lad ♪
♪ I've got the smashing bird ♪
♪ And my trousers are mobbed and groovy ♪
Lawrence: Hmm... and this leads directly to the 1960's. (unplugs the jukebox) Oh, well, time to get this beaut to the antique shop. (wheels it away) Ta, boys!
Phineas: All your favorites bands playing all their greatest hits any time you want. Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today! Hey, where's Perry?
(Cut to Perry in the garage by the station wagon. He puts on his fedora and jacks all the way down to his lair.)
Major Monogram: Morning Agent P, we have a situation here, the royal Princess Baldegunde from Drusselstein is in town. She's here to give the "Drusselsteinian Favorite Son" Award to Mayor Roger Doofenshmirtz during the unveiling of the new Danville Opera House. We assume Dr. Doofenshmirtz will do something to disrupt the ceremony. He's been buying up all the claw machines in the Tri-State Area. We don't know exactly what his plan is, but do the math: Princess, Opera house, claw machines, stuffed animal. You put that together and you get a...Claw-Princess-Animal, uh, Stuffed-Claw-House--
Carl: (offscreen) Uh, ooh ooh ooh ooh...
Carl: Or a...or a, Singing Animal Claw-
Major Monogram: A Singing Claw-
Major Monogram: It's terrifying, you must stop Doofenshmirtz and make sure the princess is safe. We don't actually have a photo of her, but whatever, she's a 15 year-old girl, they all pretty much look alike... Carl, put up a picture of a 15 year-old girl! (A picture of Candace appears on screen).... And now put a crown on her. (A crown is superimposed onto Candace's head) There! There's your princess.
Carl: (offscreen) Oh wait sir, I found a picture of the actual princess.
Major Monogram: All right, put it up there. (A picture of the princess appears and she has an uncanny resemblance to Candace) Oh, wow, what are the odds?
Carl: (offscreen) Well, it is a cartoon, sir.
Major Monogram: What did I tell you about breaking the fourth wall, Carl?
Carl: (offscreen) Sorry, sir.
(Cut to the streets of Danville where a horse-drawn carriage is making its way down)
Man: (Drusselsteinian accent) At two o'clock, you have gala ball. At 2:30, you have premiere gala. At three o'clock, you have Gala-Gala Oxen Free.
Princess Baldegunde: (looking up from a magazine, also speaking in a Drusselsteinian accent) Yes, yes. But when do we make shopping at fun American mall time?
Man: Well, we have eleven minutes until gala gathering, so maybe we make six minutes for American shopping at mall.
Princess Baldegunde: (gasps) Oh, thank you, Royal Fake Daddy Chaperone Servant Guiserblint!
(Cut to the Googolplex Mall.)
Candace: (on phone) Ah, Stacy, I tell my mom I'm heading to the mall to get some makeup and she hands me a list of other stuff I have to get. Why do I have to do everything? Shop at the mall, bust my brothers.
(Cut to Stacy in her bedroom)
Stacy: Technically, you don't have to bust your brothers.
(Cut back to Candace.)
Candace: Oh, really, Stacy? Well, they're not gonna bust themselves! Oh, great, a sale. Now guess who's gonna have to go in there and try stuff on? Call ya later, Stace. (hangs up and walks in) Since I have to do everything! (gasps)
(Candace looks at a dress she likes. Princess Baldegunde sees the same dress and gasps. They both grab at it and fight for it before Candace pulls both the dress and the Princess and they topple over and gasp.)
Princess Baldegunde: You are my doppelgänger!
Candace: Your doppel-who?
Princess Baldegunde: My mythological exact twin! My double who walks Earth same as me.
Candace: Woah! Cool! I wonder if I have a doppelgänger, too.
Princess Baldegunde: Yes, that is me. We are for each other doppelgängers.
Candace: Wait a second. Does this mean if we accidentally touch, we'll rip apart the very fabric of the universe?
Princess Baldegunde: Maybe. (She touches her twin's shirt, nothing happens) We live! I am Princess Baldegunde of Drusselstein.
Candace: And I am Candace of Flynn.
Princess Baldegunde: We should hang out today and make freaking out on unsuspecting passersby.
Candace: I'd love to, but I gotta finish shopping and get back to my brothers who are making some impossible thing in the backyard.
Princess Baldegunde: (gasps) You make life like American teenage girls on TV! For me, I do nothing, because everything is done for me at clap of hands. (clap clap)
Guiserblint: Yes, Your Highness?
Princess Baldegunde: No, no, sorry. You may go.
Guiserblint: I may go. (leaves)
Princess Baldegunde: See? I never get to do anything for myself.
Candace: And I have to do everything for myself.
Candace and Princess Baldegunede: (gasp) I got it!
Candace: Let's go to the laundromat and fill the dryers with cheese!
Princess Baldegunde: What?! No! Let us trade lives. Oh! I thought for sure on same page we were. Hmm. Come, Candace of Flynn.
Candace: Oh, trade lives! Yeah, good.
(Flip to the fitting rooms. The Princess comes out wearing Candace's wardrobe but still wearing her crown.)
Princess Baldegunde: Wow! Never before has such cheap fabric touched royal skin.
(Candace comes out in the Princess' clothes)
Candace: This is like I'm wearing a cloud of butter. Say, don't princesses need to know a lot of manners and stuff?
Princess Baldegunde: Nope. (putting her crown on Candace's head) All you need is this. (gasp) They come! Remember, clap clap. (she runs off)
Candace: (waves) Good luck.
Guiserblint: Did you enjoy your royal six minutes in the mall, Your Royal Highness?
Candace: Yes...I...am. (clap clap) Bring me a glass of water (Guiserblint produces a glass) and a cracker. (A woman behind her gets a cracker.) Okay, bring me an x-ray of a kangaroo with three legs. (Guiserblint shows the X-ray, while another man holds up three mannequin legs) No, no, the kangaroo has three legs. (Another man shows the x-ray of the kangaroo with three legs) Ah! There you go.
(Cut to the backyard.)
Phineas: I guess we could send out invitations, but that's the good thing about a giant jukebox: You build it, the party comes to you.
Princess Baldegunde: Pinnayus and Ferb! Just look at you two! You two are my younger brothers! And of course, I am Candace, your big sister, am I not?
Princess Baldegunde: "Yes" is correct! And shall we play together today, yes?
Phineas: Um, sure. We're gonna construct a giant jukebox here in the backyard.
Princess Baldegunde: (clapping) Oh, goody! Giant construction project is my most favorite game!
(Isabella, Baljeet and Buford enter)
Isabella: Hey, Phineas! Whatcha doin'?
Princess Baldegunde: Today, we shall make play here in the backyard as constructor persons. And we shall make a giant-sized jukebox. It is a most joyful way for all of us to make play, is it not?
(Isabella, Baljeet and Buford simply stare at the Candace impostor.)
Buford: I'm outta here.
(Cut to Doofenshmirtz Evil Dirigible)
♪ Doofenshmirtz in a blimp again ♪
(Perry jet packs onto the blimp. Cut to Doofenshmirtz next to a crane machine in the blimp.)
Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus. It's ironic that you look like a stuffed animal in one of those claw machine games. And by "ironic"... (Doof pushes a button on the claw machine, and the claw grabs Perry, trapping him) I mean "totally flat-out ronic." And speaking of claw machines, (showing a joystick on another side of the blimp) I've gathered up all the arcade machines in the Tri-State Area to make one giant Super Claw (cut to the Super Claw under the blimp)....inator. My fascination with these started when I was just a little boy.
Doofenshmirtz: (voiceover) Back in Gimmelshtump, one day, when I was walking through the Claw Machine District, something caught my eye. In this machine that usually just has rocks in it, there was an actual teddy bear! Fortunately, I had with me my allowance, which I'd been saving for a whole year: one three-cent coin. I dropped it into a slot, then carefully maneuvered the claw toward the beckoning fuzzy grail! Odds were against me, but then it happened! The miracle! The claw grabbed the stuffed animal; it was mine! Then, like a knight of yore, I gallantly gave the prize to my beloved mother... who immediately turned around and gave it to my brother, Roger. I was crushed as I watched Roger produce a big red marker and write his name on the toy. And then afterwards proceed to do the same to my mother, claiming both as his own, effectively shutting me out of the family dynamic.
Doofenshmirtz: So now, with my giant claw, I will wreak vengeance on my brother, and take away his giant opera house! (Evil laugh) So, what's new with you?
(Cut to a palace where Candace is sitting on a throne. Guiserblint comes forward with a bucket of gold coins, with some coins scattered on a rug in front of Candace.)
Guiserblint: And where would you like your bucket of gold?
Candace: Yeah, just put it there at the end. (Guiserblint pours some more gold at the end of the rug. Candace takes off her shoes.) Okay, you can go now. (She lifts her dress up and runs gleefully through the coins in her bare feet. She stops and a record needle scratch is heard.) Wow, I've been given all this power and how I've chosen to use it is to run through gold coins barefoot....I'm a genius!! (runs back to the throne) Ha ha ha!
(Cut back to the backyard where the Princess is kneeling at two pieces of wood and a nail and is wearing a hard hat)
Princess Baldegunde: Okay, now I hammer. (clap clap) Hammer? (clap clap) Hammer?
Baljeet: Your legs do not appear to be broken.
Princess Baldegunde: You are right! Broken, they are not! I can be fetching hammer for myself, can I not? (runs off) Here I go! Never so much fun have I had!
Phineas: Wow! Candace really seems to be enjoying herself today.
Ferb: And she seems to have acquired an upper-class Drusselsteinian speech pattern.
Phineas: Yeah. Let's just go with it.
(Cut back to the blimp)
Doofenshmirtz: ♪ Going to the Opera House, WOOT! WOOT! ♪ C'mon, Perry, sing along! (Perry buries himself among the stuffed animals) W-W-Wait. What are you doing? (Perry sticks his arm out of the prize slot and pulls a lever) Whoa! (The blimp tips over along with the claw machine, and Perry escapes.) Got to reach controls...WOOT! WOOT! (He grabs the lever and tips the blimp back upright) See? Everything works with the woots. (Perry jumps onto the joystick and grabs it) Hey! Hey, le-leggo of that! WOOT! WOOT! See, I'm tellin' ya.
(Cut back to the backyard, where a humongous jukebox now stands.)
Phineas: And the giant jukebox is done! Now all we need to do is fill it with music.
(Love Händel walks by, followed by Jeremy and the Incidentals.)
Princess Baldegunde: Hello, cute blonde boy with guitar.
Jeremy: Hey...cute redhead...talking funny. See ya after the set.
(Cut back to Candace on the throne, where she is just sitting.)
(Song: Watchin' and Waitin' (instrumental))
Guiserblint: Her Majesty would like to run through gold with no shoes?
Candace: Nah, been there, done that. (Guiserblint leaves) Wow. Absolute power bores absolutely. (Her phone rings, she picks up) Hello?
(Cut to the Princess holding up the Jeremy and the Incidentals logo.)
Princess Baldegunde: Candace? I need to ask you question. How is pronounce the name of cute blond boy with guitar?
(Cut back to Candace.)
Candace: (suspiciously) What cute blond boy?
(Cut back to the Princess.)
Princess Baldegunde: The one with band! Is it "Jer-EH-mee" or "Jer-ME"?
(Cut back to Candace)
Candace: It's pronounced, "Stay away from him!" (The Princess hangs up and Candace gets a dial tone) Hello? Hello? Okay, that tears it! (Takes off the Princess' dress revealing her regular wardrobe underneath) That's enough princess for today! I want my life back! (runs off)
Guiserblint: (chasing after her) Your Majesty! City Hall Opera Gala is about to begin!
(Cut to the backyard. Candace runs through the fence door and approaches her doppelgänger.)
Candace: Stay away from Jeremy! Is this a giant jukebox? Have you told Mom yet?
Princess Baldegunde: I should be telling of the Mother?
Candace: Wait, stay right here! I'll be right back!
Guiserblint: Your Highness! Your Highness! (gasps) Ceremony is about to start! (takes the Princess' hand) We go now!
(Cut back to the blimp where Doofenshmirtz and Perry are still fighting over the joystick)
Doofenshmirtz: You're messing up my trajectory! (Perry grabs the joystick, which drops the Giant Claw-inator and grabs hold of the jukebox)
Candace: (approaching her mother) Mom! Mom! Giant jukebox! Come on! Come on! (Candace runs outside to see the blimp take the jukebox. Linda follows.) You missed it. Giant jukebox, doppelgänger, everything, all gone.
(Cut to the Opera House where there is a huge gathering outside.)
Guiserblint: To celebrate ze linking of the two cultures and ze lifetime achievements of Roger Doofenshmirtz, vill you please join me in velcoming Princess Baldegunde of Drusselstein!
(The crowd cheers as the Princess, back in her royal regalia, takes the stage.)
Princess Baldegunde: Like Roger Doofenshmirtz, I grew up in a very different country.
(They suddenly look at the blimp carrying the giant jukebox.)
Doofenshmirtz: (once again fighting over the joystick) Perry the Platypus, stop it! I have to put down this jukebox so I can pick up the Opera House!
(The Giant Claw-inator, drops the jukebox onto the top of the Opera House.)
Doofenshmirtz: I did it! I...Not strictly according to plan, but I...Still, I have disrupted the ceremony. WOOT! WOOT! See? Everything works with the woot-woots.
Princess Baldegunde: It is a jukebox! It is our jukebox! Oh, this is most wonderful! Citizens of Danville, I had been come here today to give you long boring speech, but no longer. Instead, I give to you... (she runs up to the top of the roof with a quarter in her hand, which she shows) twenty-five American cents! (She puts the quarter in the jukebox and pushes Jeremy and the Incidentals.) Time for everybody to make play as happy dancing persons! Here is Cute Blonde Boy with Guitar!
Jeremy: Here we go!
(Song: Do Nothing Day)
Jeremy: ♪ Beautiful, kind and gentle ♪
♪ And loving and softness and sweetness and candy and gum ♪...
(Whip pan to another part of Danville)
Man: A giant jukebox! They built it! Let's bring the party to them!
(Whip pan back to the Opera House.)
Jeremy: ♪ ...and bunnies ♪
♪ And happy songs we can all hum ♪
Doofenshmirtz: Oh! Oh, no! Everyone is enjoying themselves! Even Roger! Oh, my plan has failed! Curse you, Perry the Platypus!
Jeremy: ♪ Slow down ♪
♪ And look around you ♪
(Cut to the backyard. Agent P parachutes down and goes back to pet mode.)
Phineas: Oh, there you are, Perry! I'm glad you weren't in the jukebox, wherever that went.