Memorable quotes that occurred in episodes of Phineas and Ferb during Season 1.
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Candace: What do you mean, you can see it from your house? See what?!
(Candace seeing the boys starting to build the Rollercoaster)
Phineas, what is this?
Isabella: Does your step-brother ever talk?
Phineas: Ferb? He's more of a man of action.
Linda: It seems like we've had this conversation before.
Candace: What do you mean?
(After Candace pulls Linda to the empty post. Throughout this, Linda looks at Candace in anger)
Candace: There! Look, look, look, see? I told you I'm not crazy, I told you!
(As the rollercoaster cars are poised to descend the first drop)
Phineas: You all signed the waivers, right?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Well, that didn't work. And now we have a two-ton ball of tin foil going at 200 miles a hour heading directly at us!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: It's no use, it's no use, we are doomed! You did it! You saved us, Perry the...
(Tin foil ball crashes into the building)
Linda: I worry about you sometimes, Candace.
Jeremy: (in his Slushy Burger uniform) Welcome to Mr. Slushy Burger, can I take your order?
Phineas: Anyone want fries?
Phineas: You know, if that thing falls to Earth, Candace is in charge.
(As the coaster is plummeting to Earth)
Phineas: We should have charged more.
Phineas: Well a brother is a brother...
(He claps Ferb on the shoulder.)
Phineas: So, Ferb what do you wanna do tomorrow? There's a world of possibilities.... Maybe we should make a list!
(Above them, the tree they landed in catches fire and explodes)
Stanky Dog: This is Stanky Dog, coming to you on the hottest day of the summer. Unless you live at the beach, I say take it easy and do nothing today. Yup, just find yourself a shady tree and maybe an aquatic mammal of some sort, and just blow the whole day off.
Phineas: Come on, Ferb. If we let a little heat stop us from having the best day ever, then the morning DJs win.
Doofenshmirtz: A platypus? (Perry puts on his fedora) Perry the Platypus? (Doofenshmirtz presses a remote button) You are mine now! (The garage door opens) No, that was the garage door opener. (Doofenshmirtz gets another remote) You are mine now! (The TV turns on) And that was the TV remote. (Doofenshmirtz finds the right remote and pushes the button) YOU ARE MİNE NOW! (Perry is trapped; Doofenshmirtz does an evil laugh) Now I shall finally rid myself of you! But first, pay your attention to the giant screen and- (He actually presses the garage door opener which closes the garage door) Maybe I need to turn the cable on first?
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, I think I finally got the right one. Now, Perry the Platypus, you will finally understand my PAIN. (Narrating a flashback) Back in Gimmelshtump in the days of my youth, the Doofenshmirtzes were a proud family. But those were lean times for my father and our beloved lawn gnome was repossessed. Who would protect our zatzenfruit garden from those witches, spells and wood trolls? From a tender age, my father decided that it would be me.
Doofenshmirtz's father: Bewege dich nicht! (Caption: "Don't move!")
Stanky Dog: Let's go to the judges. Ten to the fifth power, infinity, and oh! It seems that Phineas Flynn's radical surfing has made judge number three re-think Einstein's Theory of Relativity! Cowabunga, laws of nature!
Stanky Dog: GNOOOOOOMES!!! (Gets hit by a falling lawn gnome) Oof!
Stanky Dog: Run for your lives! It's gnome-ageddon!
Candace: Phineas and Ferb built a beach in the backyard, just like they said they were going to. But instead of just a cute little beach in their sandbox, it turned out to be this absolutely huge beach, with a coastline, and palm trees and a pier, and hula dancers, water-skiers, and tiki huts and dolphins and dancing and surfing, and everybody from the neighborhood showed up. ...and then I was just about to share a smoothie with Jeremy when a coconut dropped on my head... ...and just for a moment, it seemed the wily Buford would steal away the coveted surfing trophy from under the noses of our heroes... ...but I can only continue my benign reign and spread love, happiness and ultimate popularity throughout my kingdom! If you would just let me have my moment.
Candace: Stacy, what am I gonna sing?
Stacy: Hello, what are you gonna wear?
(Candace seeing many people for the audition)
Candace: I can't do this
Ben Baxter: Hi, I'm Ben Baxter, Huge-O-Records. Why don't you come by my office in an hour and we can talk about your future.
Phineas: Future? Cool. He must be a psychic.
Doofenshmirtz: (to the disguised Perry) Oh, are you my new temp? Well, let me just get you up the speed. I know it's bit of a mess. I'm just putting the finishing touches of my latest maniacal plan. You see, in a few minutes, I will unleash an unprecedented reign of terror upon the entire...Tri-State Area! And Perry the Platypus will never be the wiser. (Perry removes the Groucho glasses) Perry the Platypus?! You're a temp? Are times that hard?
Officer: Hey, weren't you Lindana?
Linda: Ah! Yes, I was. I can't believe you recognize me.
Phineas: Follow-up single?! Who do you think we are, some two-bit hacks who will keep writing you songs simply because you pay us obscene amounts of cash? Phineas and the Ferb-Tones are strictly a one-hit wonder. Good day to you, sir. (Going down the elevator) Diva tantrum, check. (Listening to "Gitchee Gitchee Goo" instrumental version) Elevator music, check.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Wow, you sure like a lot of pepper. I'm more of a paprika man myself.
Candace: I should have taken blender lessons.
Doofenshmirtz: When it comes to havoc, nobody wreaks like me!
Phineas: So, Ferb, what should we do today? I mean, besides giving Perry a bath. (Phineas leans over and smells Perry.)
Isabella: Hi Phineas, I got your pit-crew.
(Seeing Isabella and the Fireside Girls.)
Candace: Phineas! Phineas! PHINEAS!
Racing Fan: Hey! I can't hear the cars!
Candace: I-I love it when he turns left. And then he turns... left again... and then...
(Candace is shown screaming on the big screen)
Announcer 2: And look, he's already got his own screaming fans!
Linda: Candace, this is a dandruff commercial. Is there something you're trying to tell me?
Phineas: Hey Ferb, do you think we can get any more power? I mean, I know it's just a battery, but I was thinking... let's open it up and see what this puppy can... (a slow-moving vehicle honks at him) Uh, Ferb, we're actually slowing down now. Ferb...? Hello?
(Ferb hooks up the remote to a car battery. 42 accelerates rapidly and Phineas's face is comically accentuated)
Isabella: That helmet looks so manly.
Phineas: (obliviously) Thanks.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Run! Run like the wind, my little indentured rodent. And I will give you some cheese.
TV Announcer: Oh no! A blimp is about to hit the broadcasting tower! Oh the hu-
(Doofenshmirtz's blimp knocks out the signal, turning the TV signal into static. Linda comes over and sees Candace staring at the blank TV)
(As she literally shoves her mother across the street)
Candace: Come on, come on, come on!
Candace: Yes - no - what?
Linda: Honey, close your mouth.
(Iris out and Candace does not close her mouth on the still shot.)
Major Monogram: There's something very strange going on with Dr. Doofenshmirtz. (picture of Dr. Doofenshmirtz pops up on screen) He's been very quiet lately, a little too quiet! I want you to find out what's not going on and, uh.. put a... stop...to it. I suppose.
Isabella: Look. My client gets 3 percent of the gross and a piece of the back end, or he walks. Yeah, that's right. You mess with the bull, you get the horns, buddy! (Gets another call and transfers) Hello? Sid, baby! You got that third act in line yet?
Phineas: Okay, Candace. This is a very important scene. It is nothing less than the emotional backbone of the whole film. Oh, and the villagers are coming at you with everything they've got.
Phineas: The space armada from the planet Plumbing Supplies!
After Phineas has finished "filming" the first scene.
Phineas: Beautiful! That's a wrap!
Candace: (wearing a tropical banana hat) Wow! Is this banana hat for some cool tropical dance number?
Phineas: We're trying to come up with some exciting camera angles for the big chase scene, so we strapped a camera onto this starving monkey.
Phineas: Okay, Candace, this is your beauty shot. The curse has been lifted, and you're no longer a monster. Now this scene is all about what the heart wants, but the mind can't have.
Candace: (panting) To think, to--
Ashley Tisdale: (as Candace) To think, to dream, to be free of the curse.
Doofenshmirtz: (now elderly, along with Perry) Well, this can't be right. (laughs) Perry the Platypus, just look at yourself! you've really let yourself go!
Perry: (rips off a suit, revealing himself in his current age)
Linda: Testing... Welcome everyone. We'll be playing some freeform jazz today. It might get a little crazy so hold on to those knitting needles! (Plays triangle.) Hit it girls!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: It all began on the day of my actual birth. Both of my parents failed to show up.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: By the age of five, I was forced to throw my own surprise party.
Referee: He's from a bad home... He's missing a chromosome... Buford the Bully!
Referee: He's got moves... He's got grapes... His nose takes up his entire face... Fabulous Phineas Flynn!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Wait. Where did that whale come from?
Gunther Goatcheese's Worker: Hello, boys and— (notices younger Doofenshmirtz is only one sitting at table) Ooh. Mmm, awkward. (walks away, door closes offscreen) Hey, kid, lock up when you're done, 'kay?
Referee: Okay, boys. Let's have a fair and square fight and in no way should this ensuing fight contain the image of a potentially harmful, hurtful, or psychologically disturbing physical act that could be imitable by an impressionable child viewer.
Phineas: I don't think this is going so well.
Evander: Nonsense, kid! Go for the gold! Fight fire with fire! Oh, shoot. Shoot him the stink eye! Uh, grease the pig! Aw, I got nothing.
Doofenshmirtz: (Bashing keyboard on Perry's fingers) Still hanging around, Perry the Platypus? ("OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" on the Slave-inator making everyone "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO") Why don't you let go? Doesn't it hurt your fingers?
Candace: Mom! Finally, in this vital, photographic evidence of irresponsible behavior!
Linda: Candace, this is your thumb in front of the lens.
Buford: That was great. Same thing tomorrow?
Phineas: Nah. I like to keep moving forward.
(Phineas has just woken up seeing July 11th with Candace's picture)
Phineas: Yes! Hey Ferb! (chucks pillow at Ferb's face) It's Candace's Birthday! We gotta do better than last year...
Candace: Wait... please don't tell me we're going to Mount Rushmore.
Linda: Isn't it great? Four American presidents carved into the side of a mountain!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus. Your timing is impeccable. And by "impeccable," I mean completely peccable!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: As they say in China, "Arrivederci!!!!"
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: The molten lava at the Earth's core completely slipped my mind.
(In tears of joy.)
Candace: It's... it's... it's beautiful! Mom!
Linda: You know Candace, this is the second time I've climbed up there. I'm already down half a dress size.
Phineas: We either need more days of summer or more of us.
Major Monogram: Agent P, Dr. Doofenshmirtz is up to his old tricks. He's made fifty-seven phone calls in the past hour. We don't know to whom or why. (Perry points toward the Chimney-Vator) No, not to Santa!
Major Monogram: See, Carl, that's why I don't like using the Chimney Vator. Besides, that guy totally owes me a pony from when I was five.
Phineas: Phinedroids and Ferbots! We thank you for being here with us today. Please — uh, Ferb, your bullhorn's not on.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh, hi, Perry the Platypus. Thanks for using the key I gave you, it's much more civilized than crashing through my ceiling, don't you think?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I know there's an ordinance against it.
Candace: Oh, here they come now. Phineas and Fer... uh, Phineas?! (gasps) I have to call you back!
Candace: Stacy! Oh my gosh! Guess what? Ugh, Stacy, I can't understand you. Why are you crying? Yeah... crying, crying, it hurts, right, got that, uh huh— oh hello, Mrs. Hirano! What? Stacy got her ears pierced? Gee, what a terrible thing that I had completely no idea about! Anyway, gotta run, Mrs. Hirano, give Stacy my best! (While talking on the phone, the bag with the Ferbot inside it has been switched with a manure bag)
Candace: Poor, mixed-up Stacy.
Candace: Oh, wait 'til Mom finds out about Phineas and Ferb... and Phineas and Ferb... and...Phineas... and Ferb, and Phineas... and Ferb... Phineas?! Ferb?! Ferbias?! Phineferb?! (gasps) They're my brothers and they're robots! They're brobots!
Linda: What is it, Candace?
Candace: Mom, I'm in the panic room... Phineas and Ferb, and-and Phineas and Ferb, and-and ROBOTS! (high pitched voice) Invisibility Chamber! (Shouts) Elephants!
Phineas: Have we learned nothing from Mary Shelley's Frankenstein?
Phineas: And now they started their own overpriced coffee franchise! (Pause) That is so 90's.
Phineas: This is terrible! We have an entirely new problem! The coffee is making them haywire! (He points to the robots getting out of control) And that one is having trouble falling asleep! (He points to a Phinedroid trying to sleep, looking to an alarm clock every 2 seconds) Poor little guy.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Well, as a lazy tailor would say, suit yourself!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: That...that doesn't make sense! It's the middle of July!
Santa: I'm on a summer run! Farewell, Perry the Platypus!
Phineas: (Melodramatically, while hugging Ferb around the shoulders) So this is how it ends, Ferb... defeated by our own dopplegängers. If only we had some sort of device that could stop them from...
(Ferb pulls out the remote control.)
Candace: Ugh, 80's music is so 2002...
Candace: It's a Candroid!
(Candace screams as she runs back into the Panic Room where the Candroid is holding Mr. Miggins)
Phineas: Okay, Ferb. If we're going to tackle this fashion design thing, we've got to do something really special. It has to be cool, comfortable... and undetectable by radar. Something that absolutely screams summer!
(After pulling out "Dumbenshmirtzes" or "Doofusshmirtzes")
Doofenshmirtz: Why is it when people copy their butts it comes out perfect?
Candace (in fantasy about being a supermodel): Hi, I'm Candace. I'm sure you recognize me from my countless magazine covers. You know, being a supermodel is hard work: the bright lights, the deafening applause, and all those paper cuts from counting my huge stacks of money. That's why I start every morning with Candace-O's.
Announcer: Candace-O's: Part of a nutritious breakfast.
Delivery guy: Package for Gaston Le Mode!
Gaston: Is it a poster of Jerry Lewis?!
Gaston: Mon dieu. You are my cou de crayon.
Candace: (not realizing this is French for "pencil neck") Your cou de crayon.. cool!
Candace: Stacy! You look just like Ferb!
Stacy: Wow, thanks, Candace!
Failed Doofenshmirtz clone: (referring to Perry) Hey, don't hurt the little bunny rabbit.
Candace: Go ahead. Eat all you want. My dreams are smashed to pieces and all you can think about is food. But just remember, Gaston said that I will always be his cou de crayon.
Ferb: You do realize that that's French for "pencil neck"?
Candace: You better not pull any of your weird stunts, got it?!
Phineas: No threat young school marm.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus. As usual, your timing is uncanny. And by uncanny, I mean, "completely" canny!!
Candace: Oh my gosh, Stacy. I'm in a stampede is like- (trips on a mud) Ah, just a sec.
Phineas: Hey Candace.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Any last noises, Perry the Platypus? You know, that little chirping silly noise that you make?
Vanessa: You put a self-destruct button in a death chamber? I'm so out of here. This is the worst "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day" ever.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Now we did I put that- Oh! What was I thinking putting the jet-pack in there too. I might just given him an escape hatch I mean-
(Perry uses the jet-pack and the escape hatch.)
Phineas: Yep, just loop-em them doggy's to the long lonesome trail. Ain't this livin'?
Isabella: Boy howdy!
(As the snow starting to build up to the window.)
Candace: I think cheerleaders are so overrated. I mean being gorgeous and popular, does that matter in the real world... What is going on out there?!
(After the S'Winter song)
Phineas: Some people call it "Wummer."
Candace: Argh! My brothers are just driving me crazy!
Vanessa: You should try spending an hour with my dad sometime.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: As soon as he walks through that front door, no more Perry the Platypus.
(Seeing a piano danging in the trap with a pianist playing it.)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Behold, the Melt-inator 6-5000! It has a melting capacity... of 7! That's on a scale from one to five so that's a big number.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: But it will never arrive! In five, four, three.... (sighs in disgust) Two-and-a-half, two-and-a-quarter. Is that it? Is that... you're not going to do anything? You're just gonna stand there like a dead fish? I'm giving you a chance to do something here. Oh, this used to be more fun. One-and-a-half, one-and-a-quarter.... You know, in some cultures, it's considered rude not to particip....
(Perry swoops across the screen and kicks him)
(Phineas, Ferb and Candace's snowboard hits a snowman)
Phineas: (Seeing the snowman only hits Candace) Now how'd that miss us?
Phineas: Excuse me Bob, pardon me Bob, one side Bob, thank you Bob, whoop see daisy, there we go... It's a bobsled.
Django: Hey! For a trick, I can put my leg on my head! (He tries to do so but falls out of his chair.) I'll work on it.
Candace: Of course. It had to be wild parsnips. Let's see...allergy pills, allergy pills...
Candace finds her allergy pill container
Buford walks in to see Candace dressed as him and being put in his act.
Buford: Hey, that dude's stealing my act!
Audio Tape: I'm dancing with your wife, pal! You got a problem with that?
Doofenshmirtz: I'm da-
(Doofenshmirtz clears his throat to sound lower)
Due to the Doofelium filling the air, his voice becomes progressively higher-pitched.
Phineas: And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you our entire cast in our grand finale, featuring the Amazing Perry!
Explorer: Well, beat me with a chicken!
Phineas: Look, pith helmets! We must be going the right way. Say something pithy.
Phineas: Excuse me sir, where's the mummy exhibit?
Manager 1: (presses and holds a button while speaking into an intercom) Manager assistance requested.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus. As usual, your timing is incredible. And by incredible, of course, I mean completely credible!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: No use, Perry the Platypus. I made this out of something that cannot be penetrated: PURE EVIL... and a blend of space-age polymers.
Phineas: Wow. I didn't expect him to be so scary. I mean, can you imagine the angry, twisted soul hidden underneath those bandages? Makes me shudder.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Is my nose really that pointy?
Phineas: Hey, where's the mummy? Mummy! Mummy!
Lawrence: (Not realizing Phineas means an actual mummy, not his mother) Well, mummy has supper waiting for us at home.
Major Monogram: One package of blood sausage... Uh, that's my grocery list!
Radio DJ: Just be the four hundred, forty-four and four-fourths caller!
Candace: I love fractions.
Major Monogram: ...end of the world, yadda yadda yadda... I'm faxing you the coordinates.
Beloved Bettys, Your band is the biggest, baddest most bangin' buncha babes from Boston to Burbank. I've barely bathed since I began blogging about your bangin' beats. Your biggest Betty band fan, Candace.
transcribed from Candace's letter
Feeling bad for how she treated Candace and Stacy
Tink: I feel like a bit of a Betty butthead.
With mops being fired at him.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Curse you Perry the— mmph! (spits out mop) Platy...mmph! Curse you Perry the Platy...mmph! (spits out mop) Curse you Perry the Platy...mmph! (spits out mop) Why did I buy so many mops?...mmph!
Phineas: Hello, Blowtorch City? Yeah, I'll hold.
Carl: (Carl in woman costume) Blueprints for an ice cream machine? Hmm I don't think we make those any more. (Ferb blinks) Whoa hold on there sweetie! No need to get upset! I'll just go check in the back! (searches in the back room and pulls out another blueprint) I got blueprints for a yogurt machine. How that sound? (Ferb blinks again) Yeah I don't care for yogurt either baby. I'll keep looking.
Vanessa: (looking at Ferb) Hey how's it goin'?
Charlene: Remember, you're at your dad's this weekend.
Vanessa: Great. A whole forty-eight hours of evil.
Chef: (clears throat) Is there something you'd like to share with the WHOLE class?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Then I can go on to eliminate all the other annoyances that make my skin crawl. Like, uh... Nature! (Zaps!) Beauty! (Aww!) Morning talk show hosts! (Yay!) Soon, there will be nothing can withstand the wrath of Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz!
Vanessa: Doctor? Since when are you a doctor?
Charlene: (Answering her cellphone) Oh! For Pete's sake, Vanessa!
Linda: (Answering her cellphone) Candace, this better be important.
Phineas: Well, this can't be right. I was wondering what that thing was for. That must be the laser. It's a good thing we didn't attach it, huh?
Charline: (seeing Heinz covered in ice cream) Heinz, what is all this? I thought you were lactose intollerent.
Doofenshmirtz: I am!
Isabella: Wow, guys, this is amazing! I was afraid that you guys were gonna go overboard and build some giant sundae contraption or something!
Phineas: Actually, we were gonna do that, but we accidentally built a space laser instead. Ferb, you're usually so focused. How'd you get those plans confused?
Commercial: Better watch what he's throwin', he ain't wearing no pants! Shimmy Jimmy!
Phineas: What we need is a toy so stupidly simple... so basically bland... so idiotically uncomplicated... that it can do absolutely anything.
Har D Har Company board Member: But we've always made climby toys. I mean, who could forget Climbin' Simon? Or what about Ascendin' Brendan? And then of course there's Ladderman Larry. Or the classic Climby Jaimie?
Har D Har Toy Company worker: Are you people all crazy?! It's just a thick, stupid block of wood! And, it doesn't do any (A trapdoor opens under the employee) THING!... (A new Har D Har board member falls into the chair)
New Har D Har Board Member: I love it! (Pauses) What are we talking about?
Phineas: Wait a minute. This is a toy factory. How did this chocolate river get here? Who the heck are you guys?
The Ba-dink-a-dinks: We are the Ba-dink-a-dinks!
Store Manager: Fantastic! You look like number one!
Candace: I feel like number two.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz Trapped in a crate of Perry the Platypus Inaction Figure toys CURSE YOU PERRY THE PLATYPUS!
Agent P looking around for Doofenshmirtz and unable to find him; he decides the mission is now over.
Buford: Find a nerd, take his underpants, and run them up the flagpole.
Phineas: I don't think Camp Phineas and Ferb has a flagpole.
Candace: I don't like the outdoors, okay? I don't like bugs. Phineas, are you even listening to me?
Phineas: I seem to have misplaced my ant farm.
Phineas: 'Vittles' is Grandpa-ese for food.
Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus, how unexpected! And by "unexpected", I mean....unexpected. What are you doing here? This is my week off.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: It's not the worst date I ever had. There was the one that kept stabbing me with the fork.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Why do I always get the crazies?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: That sounded like screaming children. But it's not my birthday.
Major Monogram: Please, Agent P. Be careful. (thinking to himself) The Academy...
Young Monogram: But I don't want to go to the Academy, Daddy.
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, I don't even like cucumbers!
Doofenshmirtz's Date: StrudelCutie4427? Whoops.
Candace: Oh, and what's this one made of? Popsicle sticks and glitter?
Betty Jo: Come on! We're making stick figures— out of real sticks!
Lorraine: Well, back to my closet!
Betty Jo: See ya next year, Lorraine.
Candace: I sure got you guys. You should have seen your faces! Only unsophisticated, immature brains would believe in monsters. Yes, it takes a mature adult such as myself to know that... there's... (sees Doofenshmirtz running from fake Bigfoots) no... such thing as... G-G-G-BIGFOOT! (runs away screaming; kids look over and see nothing)
Baljeet: Well, I do not believe her one bit. Too much overacting.
Candace: Despair speaking.
Stacy: Care to explain why Despair isn't picking up her cell phone this morning?
Major Monogram: Oh, hey, Agent P. So, get this: I got this memo this morning on Doofenshmirtz, and someone abbreviated his name in it. Guess how they wrote it? Doof! (starts laughing) The Doof! It's times like these when you really appreciate having a cool name like Monogram.
Carl: And Carl!
Phineas: (directing numerous delivery trucks) Um... giant baby head... anywhere's good!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: (Referring to monster trucks) But you know they are not monsters, just big stupid trucks!
Phineas: Dad, you might want to wipe the Queen off your face.
Chef: (clears throat) Madame Flynn, I have told you a hundred times... (smashing phone) NO PHONE CALLS IN CLASS! (his own cell phone rings. He gives a slight chuckle, then answers his phone) Hello? (to Linda) It is for you.
Dink Winkerson: Good afternoon, Danville! Dink Winkerson here, and this is little Isabella Garcia-Shapiro from Fireside Girl Troop 46231. And she got a little announcement to make.
Isabella: (takes a breath, in a deep growling voice) WEDNESDAY, WEDNESDAY, WEDNESDAY! GIANT MONSTER TRUCK RALLY RIGHT HERE IN DANVILLE! CANDACE THE CRUSHER TAKES ON ALL COMERS! BE THERE, BE THERE, BE THERE! WE'LL GIVE YOU THE WHOLE SEAT, BUT YOU'LL ONLY NEED THE EDGE!(normal voice, giggles) Thanks, Dink.
Buck Buckerson: I heard pigs could fly, but now I've seen everything! (Laughs)
Candace: That doesn't even make any sense.
Lawrence: Candace, those dudes need to suck our mud!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Don't worry, the swelling will go down. You know, probably.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Okay, turn left on Maple Drive... and there! Oh, great! There's no parking space! I should have invented a Parked-Car-Away-Inator.
Big-Headed Investor: (sarcastically) Oh ja! Zat is something I vould buy!
Buck Buckerson: Ha ha! You're going down, girlie! Check out the finesse!
Foreign scientist: Hey, guys, my swelling went down!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh, shut up. (the scientist are eaten by an alien that is larger than them in height and the alien belches and a bubble comes out of its mouth. The bubble pops) CURSE YOU, PERRY THE PLATYPUS!
Linda: Candace, why on earth are you all covered in mud?
Ferb: Because... she's a tire spinnin', gear grindin', clutch burnin', backfirin', paint tradin', red-linin', overheatin', throttle stompin', truck drivin' girl.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Behold, Perry the Platypus, Shrinkspheria! You like it? I was going to call it a Shrinkinator, but I've done that whole -inator thing before, it's just been done to death.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Pelicans. Terrible creatures. What are you— a bird or a garbage disposal?
Phineas: Ferb, are you hearing what I'm hearing? Candace singing! Early in the morning!
Candace: (singing a capella) Mom, it's your birthday, thanks for all the care and love you give. Yeah, yeah, that's alright! I like that! (continues singing)
Candace: (singing to self) Eggs and bacon, oh yeah...
Wax George Washington Robot: I can not tell a lie. I am melting.
Candace: Wait a minute! I can still give Mom the one thing the boys can't! The gift of music! Played on my good friend: the bass. (begins to play bass, but disappears because of Shrinkspheria) Huh. Oh well, it's a good thing I play the banjo! (banjo shrinks) It's a good thing I play the bassoon! (bassoon shrinks) It's a good thing I play the bugle! (bugle shrinks) It's a good thing I play the bongos! (bongos shrink)
Announcer: Five minutes later...
Wax Abraham Lincoln Robot: We can't seem to get a break.
Wax George Washington Robot: Your breath smells like candles.
Doofenshmirtz: (referring to blinking traffic arrows) ...stop blinking, telling me where to go! Point. Point. Point. Point. Oh, I hate you!
Isabella: One grilled-cheese sandwich, hot off the— oh, cool!
Isabella: No, Pinky! Chasing the cat is so cliché! You're better than that!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus, I... You know, we always do the same thing. I have a scheme, you try to stop me, I trap you, I tell you my scheme, you escape, then we fight, and I'm defeated. Let's mix it up a little!
Major Monogram: Agent P, what's wrong? (Perry shows Major Monogram Doofenshmirtz handcuffed to pipe)
Major Monogram: Oh, you've caught Doofenshmirtz. That's weird. He usually traps you, then you escape and then—
Doofenshmirtz: Should I go with "Make-Up-Your-Mind-Inator" or is that too on the nose? It's funny, now I can't make up MY mind...
Perry jumps onto Doofenshmirtz, punches him and kicks him backwards. He handcuffs one handcuff to Doofenshmirtz
Phineas: (not knowing he's inside Candace's body instead of Pinky's) Wow. Pinky's neck is really long.
Phineas: Ah, tacos. You know who makes the best tacos? Mom. These kinda remind me of the ones we had...for dinner...last night...
While Doofenshmirtz is inside Pinky.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: (clapping his hands together) Perfect. Now I can pee all over the Tri-State Area! (laughs evilly then stops).... Oh, what am I doing with my life?
Tour Guide: This time machine was built by the 18th century inventor, Xavier Onassis. Of course, he never finished it, or he'd still be with us today.
Doofenshmirtz: (about Peter the Panda) It's not what you think! We're not enemies, we're just bad friends.
Teenage Guy: You got tossed out too, huh?
Candace: Yeah, for yelling.
Phineas: Keep your voices low, and no sudden movements.
Candace: (starts screaming and making sudden movements until the T-Rex chases her)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Curse you, Peter the Panda!
Candace: Why am I wearing a turtle on my head?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I remember when this picture was taken. It was the happiest day of my life... It was the day I decided to get my picture taken.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I had a feeling there was someone hiding behind the mailbox.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: ♪♪My neme, neme, ooo... My neme, neme, neme...♪♪
Wait, I forgot what comes after the bridge.
Dr. Feelbetter: I see. Because he's an Animal, he doesn't talk.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz Of course not! What kind of evil scientist are you!?.
Candace: Things can't get any worse. (it starts to rain) Oh, look, the world's first bad hair day.
Isabella: You know, there's an 'm' in Time Machine.
Phineas: Yeah, sorry.
Candace: You mean to tell me that you built a time machine that has to be plugged in?! (T-Rex roars) Oh put a sock in it!
Phineas: Candace, no sudden movements.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I promise to hurt you the right way, with cartoonish physical violence and elaborate traps made out of strange things I bought over the internet.
Phineas: We actually went back in time.
Lawrence: Oh, I know what you mean, Phin. These exhibits are so realistic.
Lawrence: Fossils... da da da...boop...
Candace: (out of corner of mouth) He keeps his cherished memories in a toolbox.
Phineas: Wow, you're really passionate about rock 'n roll.
Danny: Well, it's only my life!
Random Customer: I've got it! The spirit of rock and roll has called out to me!
Danny: I knew it. That'll be eighteen hundred dollars.
Phineas: Hello? Isabella?
Isabella: Hey, Phineas. What's up?
Phineas: Pardon me. Could your name be Swampy, ex-drummer for the band Love Händel?
Swampy: (while beating out a rhythm with a book and a stamp) That, my friend, was a past life. The name's Sherman. Why you askin'?
Danny: Dude, is that the cake from the trash?
Swampy: What? You can't let good cake go to waste!
Danny: Sorry, Phineas, but we've got to go on now or we're going to have a serious fashion-metal riot on our hands.
Vanessa: Thank you, Perry the Platypus!
Johnny: Hey, Vanessa, is that your dad up there on the rocket?
Vanessa: Yeah, he'll be okay. He blows up all the time.
Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Curse you, Perry the Plat— Wait, is that Love Händel?
Phineas: It sounds like someone strangling a cat! It must be Grandpa!
Phineas: Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey!
Phineas: Why do they call it Badbeard Lake, Grandpa?
Clyde: Well, it's a body of fresh water surrounded by land—
Candace: (while on orange moss) No way, this is so weird. I see Perry with an eagle and they're dressed like secret agents and they're talking to a man inside an egg. (laughs and covers her mouth) That is so messed up!
Clyde: I remember when I first found that treasure map. I spent every summer searching for Badbeard's treasure.... Of course, then I discovered girls, and the rest is a blur.
Clyde: Well gotta find your Grandma, wish there was a map for that.
Phineas:...and travel on foot through the Tunnel of Doom... well, that sounds delightful!
Candace: Why do my nostrils whisper to me?
(what looks like monsters are snapping at the kids)
Isabella: Oh my gosh, Buford, what are you doing?
Isabella: But, Phineas, what about the curse?
Buford: Bad beards forever, dude.
Candace: I'm gonna have me some beef jerky.
Betty Jo: It's the blue moss you've gotta watch out for.
Candace: I can't believe you dragged me all the way over here for this! Well, at least there's hunky guys in skirts.
Lawrence: Guys come and look at this! This is an actual replica of an artist's interpretation of what some random guy of no significance believed that the chariot of Asparagus might have looked like.
Major Monogram: (disguised as Discobolus) ...And don't look up my skirt!
Announcer 1: Paul Bunyan's, where food is good.
Announcer 2: But not too good, eh?
Doofenshmirtz: You see, until now, every attempt to eradicate you has been foiled! Then I came across some— (hears a slurping noise) Excuse me, who are you, and what are you doing here?
Random Boy: I bought a ticket to see this movie.
Random Boy: This is the best platypus movie I have ever seen.
Narrator: ...the greatest enemy of the platypus is man.
Norm: Hi there!
Buford: This is a chariot race, there are no rules.
Isabella: No rules?! Well, if those are the rules...
Buford: Hey you! You're goin' down!
Baljeet: But we're on the same team!
Phineas: We built you your own chariot that looks just like you!
Candace: (standing next to chariot with an ugly face carved into it) Oh, that is ridiculous; I do not have wheels!
Phineas: Remind me, why did we put spikes on Buford's chariot again? And a bowling ball catapult? I mean, what were we thinking? Why'd we give them all the cool stuff? What do we have?
Ferb presses a button; cup holders pop out
Cup holders?! Sweet! Now we're cooking.
Baljeet: That is right! Eat sparks, my opponents!
Norm: Are those slacks new? They make you look slimmer.
Norm: Honey, have you seen my keys?
Phineas: It's half-man, half-bull! It's the Minotaur!
Norm: My name is Norm.
Norm: Wait, come back! You can borrow my rake!
Norm: Secretly I'm very lonely.
Major Monogram: Sky— weather— rain— Doofenshmirtz— we're breaking up, let me call you on a landline. (phone beside Perry rings; he picks up) So, just to recap: Sky. Weather. Rain. Doofenshmirtz.
Lulu:(To Candace) Let me tell you a story. The story of "bust" and "them." "Bust" fights "them", but "them" fights right back. It's the age-old struggle, but in the end "them" always wins. No, I'm sorry. Wait, "bust" - ha-ha – "Bust" always wins. That's it. Yes, bust them.
Lulu: Mom never believed they were the ones breaking the plates or scratching the records.
Candace: Um, my brothers don't break plates or scratch records.
Lulu (to Candace): Our crew has planted cameras covering every square inch of your backyard, basically, if a squirrel breaks wind, we'll have it on tape. Fifi, none of these cameras seem to be working.
Fifi: Uh, actually, I think camera #8 is working fine.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: But I guess my dreams faded into sepia-tone somewhere along the way.
Phineas: In case we capsize, your seat cushions can function as a headstone.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Bobo the Rabbit? Did you know I've been looking for you since the seventh grade?
Farmer's Wife: I can't believe you spent our entire life savings on a bunny farm and forgot to buy any bunnies.
Farmer: But dear, I—
Boy: Hey! That evil scientist just stole my bike!
Girl: Hey, that nice duck just gave me $20 for my skateboard.
Candace: Now you understand my pain. Want some pie?
Candace: Does this helmet make my butt look big?
Suzy: But it's not fair, Candace. Our team has two girls and one boy, so you need to be on your grandma's team, so it's fair. 'Cause it's not fair if it's two boys and one girl against two girls and one boy, so you'll have to skate, Candace, or it won't be fair.
Candace: Et tu Grandpa?
Clyde: Oh, I just had one. There's more if you want.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh, my head hurts too much for a flashback.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: There's no beard like nineteenth-century beard, Perry the Platypus. Anyway, that horrible statue must be destroyed as a constant reminder of my follicular failure."
Phineas: Oh, wait! Candace and Jeremy are back in the race, but they're going the wrong way. And now Suzy's going the wrong way, too. At least Ferb's still going the right way. Oops! Spoke too soon.
Candace: Mom, come on, come on! The boys built a giant roller rink in the backyard!
The roller rink turns into a giant loaf of bread.
Linda: Candace, what are you talking about?
Linda: Boys, I think she's finally lost it.
Phineas: Hey, dad. How'd your speech go?
Lawrence: Well, I'd have to say it was thimbly wonderful.
Candace: Alright, what gives? It's already nine o'Clock and there's no construction noise, no delivery trucks no... no nothing? They're just standing there, like statues! Statues...
(In Candace's mind)
Candace: Today is a pivotal moment in my life. You see, Jeremy's band is gonna play at the festival. Jeremy's gonna see me in the crowd, not just because I have front row seats, but because I'm gonna be cheering harder than anyone else! Like this: "WHOO! YEAH! WHAA! BABY! OH, YEAH SING IT!" Then we're gonna date through high school and college, marry and have two kids — Xavier and Amanda. So don't you dare try to ruin it with one of your little project thingies!
Candace: Well, if they really are doing nothing, I guess I've got some time to go about my own personal business. Let's see, what do I usually do? I know! I'll call Stacy and tell her how I'm busting Phineas and Ferb -- Oh yeah. Can't do that, 'cause they're not doing anything. Wait a minute! I know. (sets up the video camera) I'll put this camera in just the right spot so that when Phineas and Ferb-- ooh! (sets up a trap) And when Phineas and Ferb walk by, I'll -- ahh! (putting on lipstick) Well, if there's one thing I know, I'm gonna look so good when I bust them for-- (snapping her lipstick) Rrr! Face it! You can't do anything unless you're trying to bust them for doing something! And if they're doing nothing then... who is Candace?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh no! Now I'm ugly! I'm- (His face remains the same) Oh. I get it. Hardy har har.
Doofenshmirtz: No! You've perverted my ugly invention with something beautiful!
(Perry falls into his lair while MM and Carl are dancing with girls)
Major Monogram: Oh Agent P you're here. Carl get me a close up. So uhh, stop Doofenshmirtz, that's it.
Announcer: It's also believed that they had a highly advanced language. For example: (runs around shrieking and hooting) is how they may have said 'I love you' or 'Please take out the trash'.
Major Monogram: (to Perry) And... could you do it dressed as a bunny? A big, pink, bunny? (Laughs)
Candace: Jeremy eats roast beef on Phinedays and Saturferbs... PHINEAS AND FERB, YOU'RE LUSTIN' FOR A BUSTIN!
Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus! Oh, your persistence is insufferable. And by that, I mean completely sufferable.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: For some reason, I don't mind the taco guy so much, look at his cute little hat!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh, I've become my mother!
Phineas: This'll be fantastic - think of all the practical applications a caveman can have in the modern world! (beat) Actually, you know, besides politics, I can't think of anything. Just wait until he sees what we did with the wheel! And fire! And shiny objects!
Candace: (referring to sandwiches) Well, I'm sure I can spare one. I know how men are about their meat. 'ARGH! ME MANLY MAN! ME LIKE MEAT!'
Candace: And, if you even think about trying something funny today, you're gonna get it.
Phineas: Get what?
Phineas: Good news! We got a plethora of sandwiches for you!
Robot Costume: Whoa, Jeremy, dude! Sweet costume, bro! (Conk punches him out) Okay, you're not my bro!
Stacy: Who was that?
Buford: I'm not crying! I'm sweating through my eyes.
In reaction to Buford crying
Phineas: Wow, this is more annoying than when he was bullying us. I think we should get his fish back.
Candace: ...right after I pay for it.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh, how sweet of you! What's this note attached? 'Congratulations, Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, on defecting to the good side—' oh, no, not you too the whole news has been repeating that clip all day! First, I'm not defecting to the good side. Second, I'm keeping this gift basket there's a lot of goodies here.
Isabella: Hey, Buford... are you sweating out of your eyes?
Buford: No! I'm just cryin'!
Phineas: Don't worry, Ferb can communicate with dolphins.
Phineas: (Seeing Buford crying again) We've gotta find that fish. Soon.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus, allow me to introduce the Media Erase-inator. Patent pending, Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated.
Buford (referring to a giant squid): It's all suction cuppy! And beaky!
Phineas: Hmm, a giant squid. What are the odds?
Baljeet: My money is on the squid.
Phineas: Hey Buford, you were really brave out there.
Buford: What's that supposed to mean? Buford grabs Phineas by shirt collar You think I was a wimp before?
Candace: ...Save the camera, save the camera... save the camera...
Lawrence: Oh, merry old England. How I love our yearly holiday to my parents' home. Big Ben, Buckingham Palace, oh, the White Cliffs of Dover, Stonehenge!
Phineas: Either I've grown a lot in the past year, or England's getting smaller. (Shows aforementioned attractions all clumped together, not to scale)
Reginald: Here, immortalized in bronze, is the Black Knight himself and his Hounds of Heck on their final charge to vanquish the dragon. (turns to another bronze statue, depicting a dragon roasting the Black Knight on a spit) And here... is the disastrous result.
While dressed as a king's fool
Phineas: What do I look like, a fool?
(Charles is playing tennis with his butler)
Charles: En garde, Stubbings! Ha ha! Come on, man! Parry and riposte. (laughs) I've run you through, Stubbings.
Candace: What do you think you are doing?!
Phineas: I think I'm building a horse.
Candace: (using a fake British accent) As the fair princess, I declare Sir Charles the winner of the-(stops and thinks using her normal voice) Wait a minute. Could this be one of those things that backfires horribly on me? (pause) Nah!
Phineas: (inside a suit of armor realistically designed so that Phineas and Ferb do not fit correctly inside) There's something almost disturbing about this.
Perry (disguised as Dr. Wexler): Upon an evil winter's heart, the heavy hand of regret infrequently alights. The malevolent path is one trod without the cumbersome shackles of sentimental introspec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec spec...(Perry whacks his CD player with his book)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Hmm, that's funny. I don't remember you saying "spec" so many times. (Perry rips off his disguise.) Dr. Wexler, you're a platypus. (Perry, looking annoyed, puts his hat on. Doofenshmirtz gasps.) PERRY THE PLATYPUS!? I want to say I knew it was you, but I can't, because I didn't.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Ha ha ha, Perry the Platypus! Your giant robot dragon is no match for my giant robot... Queen Elizabeth I. Would you mind switching robots with me? Would you mind to terribly, please?
While Dr. Doofenshmirtz is sitting in the pilot seat located in the mouth of a dragon
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Well, yours may have laser eyes, but mine breathes f-(yelling) OW! That was a stupid design.
Television Announcer: This just in: A giant mechanical Queen Elizabeth I and a dragon are rampaging through the country, engaged in an apparent duel to the death. (pauses) Oh, and, in other news, a new version of Jane Eyre is in the offing.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: That Queen Elizabeth is a tough old bird!
Major Monogram: I didn't become a Major so I could sweat out a vaudeville routine with an intern.
Candace: What was...that???
Phineas: I don't know, but it was cool.
Major Monogram: And the turkey goes...
Carl: Sir, we lost Agent T last November.
Candace: ...Besides, I still have the rocket for evidence! (Looks over and sees that it's gone) What happened to the rocket?
Phineas and Candace look to the sky, where the rocket has flown away and explodes
Phineas: Well, that was almost weirder than the giant robot.
Lawrence: Oh I can't believe it! It seems my video traffic ticket's been cleared! I guess there is someone up there looking out for me. (Points up the staircase, where Perry is lying down. He chatters in response)
Major Monogram: Any word from Agent P?
Carl: No, sir.
Baljeet: According to the Book of World's Most Pointless Records, the world's largest bowling ball is four feet in diameter.
Phineas: Four feet? Ferb, we could beat that in our sleep. Ferb, get the tools. We've got a record to shatter.
(A small building montage occurs, which ends with the boys asleep beside the bowling ball)
Candace: Just wait till Mom hears about— Then again, you guys always seem to make everything disappear before Mom gets home. But if I take the evidence to her at the Bowl-R-Ama, then she'll have to believe me!
(In Candace's fantasy)
Phineas: Now whatever you do, don't hit the "Gyroscope Stabilizer Lock" button. It'll disable the gyroscope and you'll spin around like a greased pig on roller-skates!
Phineas: Where does that tunnel go?
Worker: Huh. Heck if I know.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: So, Perry the Platypus, as they say in Mexico, Dos svindaniya! Down there, that's two "Svindaniyas."
Barry: That's one big bowling ball, Bob.
Bob: You betcha, Barry.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I used to have goals. They were evil goals, but they were goals.
Phineas: Nice foosing, Isabella.
Major Monogram: As for me, I'm going home early. It's taco night!
Phineas: Ooh, extra points for recycling. The girls' score is now the square root of pi (π) while the boys still have a crudely-drawn picture of a duck. Clearly it's still anyone's game.
Isabella: Ready Candace?
Candace: I feel like a kebab.
Baljeet: Clearly I was— clearly I was wrong, that was an excellent way to block a shot!
Baljeet: Suddenly, I am not feeling so fresh.
Major Monogram is on the living room television giving Perry his mission.
Major Monogram: ...The fate of the world rests entirely in your hands!
Street Performer 1: Wow, she had actual squirrels in her pants.
Street Performer 2: We just got served.
Street Performer 2: Oh man, we got served again.
Street Performer 1: I'm going back to culinary school.
Suzy: Are you okay? I have something that will make you smile! (shows Candace squirrel) Say hello to Mr. Chippy!
Candace: Aah! Keep that sick creature away from me!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Wait, you're not trying to hack the ray-gun system are you? What I'm I worried about? You'll never guess my super secret password.
Heat Laser: 'Doofalicious'. Access granted.
Phineas: Can I have everyone's attention? Please don't panic, we're experiencing technical difficulties. Kindly head toward the exit in a calm, orderly-
large piece of metal crashes behind Phineas
Jeremy: So, that's Kermillian's Comet. Did you make a wish?
Stacy: Miso soup! Heats itself, don't ask.
Owner of Little Duffer's: (Scottish accent) The Scotsman in me tells me to hold on until the bitter end... (Irish accent) but thin agin I'm half-Irish.
Candace: (in whisper) They are so b— (tries to speak but has lost voice completely; scribbles in a notebook and hands to Stacy)
Stacy: What's this? Dancing weasels? Candace flips it over Oh, busted. You want me to bust your brothers. You know, you really gotta work on your penmanship.
Stacy: Listen up, twerps! Just because Candace is sick doesn't mean you can get away with anything. I am now her eyes, ears, and mouth. Basically, I'm her whole face.
Phineas: Hmm... weasels... I think she means it.
Stacy: Okay, focus, focus, focus. You can do this, Stacy. Don't get seduced by the coolness. Wuh-oh. Elevator to the coolness? (She climbs into it) This is so cool!
Cassette: The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain, translated into evil. Chapter One. Tom Sawyer's dislike of Aunt Polly was rivaled only by his hatred of puppies.
Doofenshmirtz: Perry the platypus! You scared the dunkelshtump out of me!
Doofenshmirtz: Look, I'll even sign something that says I was up to no good.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Curse you, Phil the Neighbor!
Farmer's Wife: You know you should have been setting aside a portion of your profits over the years with the understanding that THAT money would be used to upgrade your investment. Wh—what did you think, a shiny new miniature golf course would just fall out of the sky?
Phineas and Ferb's golf course fell to Little Duffer's.Owner of Little Duffer's: You'd be surprised what falls out of the sky in Danville.
Stacy: I'm sorry that I forgot to bust your brothers.
Candace: That's okay. I'm sorry I got you sick.
Candace: How did you guys get so big? And why is my hand green?
(Candace looks in the mirror and screams)
Stacy: (Thinking Perry is Candace) Hey, Candace! Awesome scooter! Hey, do you wanna come to Slushy Burger with my mom and me?
(Perry in Candace's body tips his hat off to Stacy and gives a thumbs up at a green light before driving away)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: A teenage girl?
(Dons the fedora)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Sorry about the tight fit, but you know, if I had known you were going to disguise yourself as a teenage girl, I would have set a bigger trap.
Linda: Oh, hey, I've got some great baby movies of Candace. (turns on the TV) Oh, there she is in the bathtub. Whoops, little bubbles.
Candace in Perry's body: (walks out of sight) Mom! Remember what we talked about? My fifth-grade graduation? (walks onto couch)
Linda: Fifth-grade graduation? What is she talking about?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Meevil...Steevil...Keevil...Heevil...
Perry the Teenage Girl unlocks the trap with a bobby pin...
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Well, I'm out of here.
(He seemingly zips out of the frame leaving behind a smoky form of himself, but when the smoke disappears, he's still there.)
Candace: Am I sweating milk?! Being a platypus is so gross!
Phineas: How'd you do that?
Reginald: It's just a little bit of "how's your father."
I may seem like a barmy ol' git now, but when I wasn't so long in the tooth, I had some grand larks and engaged in a fair amount of derring-do.
Newsboy: Extra! Extra! Fishmonger and kids jump McGregor's gorge!
Motorcycle jumps and misses the platform on the other side of the gorge
Linda: I think that hat's on a bit too tight.
While flying through the air after breaking a wing
Phineas: Well, that can't be good.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Tube socks? What is this, 1974?
Major Monogram: Good morning, Agent P. Dr. Doofenshmirtz is on the move. We tracked him to these coordinates when we suddenly lost his signal. We have two scenarios to explain his disappearance. First, that magical elves have caused Dr. Doofenshmirtz to vanish to the land of angry corn people. The second is that he may be on this secret hideout-shaped island with the initial "D" carved into it, that satellites found at the exact... spot... where... he... vanished... uh. You know what, uh, forget the magical elves thing, way off base with that. Anyway, on your way, Agent P.
Candace: Phineas! The only way you're building a haunted house in the backyard is over my dead body.
Phineas: (Transylvanian accent) That's the idea. Bla!
Candace: Hello, this is an emergency. I would like to speak to Linda Flynn. To whom am I currently speaking?
Jeremy: Uh...Jeremy. That's whom.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus? HERE? How could this be? I'm shocked. (walks over to a map of the ocean with his hideout on it) I mean, it would have taken a total evil mastermind to have guessed that you'd track me to this point, find the secret hide-out, glide in under the radar and infiltrate through this access vent, make your way over to this crate, activating my automatic arm and leg restraints. Right here? This is the part where I get all sarcastic and pretend you surprise me. "OH, PERRY THE PLATYPUS?!? HOW? WHAT THE? WHO THE? WHY THE..." Oh! ...Finally ending here, where I finish showing you my brilliant plan. You see Perry the Platypus, this secret hideout doesn't actually belong to me. It belonged to my mentor, Professor Destructocon, Kevin, to his friends. Sadly, he was just captured in the midst of his latest plan to set fire to the sun! Redundant, perhaps. But before they locked him away, Kevin asked a favor of me: To prevent them from discovering his hidden lair and all its secrets, would I please SET FIRE TO THE SUN! I was like, dude, you really got to let that one go, it's a ball of fire! It makes no sense.
Candace: Hey, boys. I'm off to the Johnson's' book club. Jeremy invited me over.
Phineas: Um, when you see Mom, can you tell her some snakes got lost in the house?
Phineas: Buford, I know this is cutting into your canasta game.
Buford: This better be good, Pointy!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: (to Agent P) Am I getting warmer? Hmm? (Perry doesn't answer) Ah-ha! The sofa! My keys fell between the cushions, right?(Still no respond from Perry) Ah... no. Oh, come on! I defeated you fair and square, Perry the platypus. Why can't you accept your death with dignity and maturity and play "You're Getting Hot or Cold" with me? (Perry scowls) Fine, be that way. I'll find my keys myself and teach you the meaning of grace under fire. (the Disintivaporator beeps for a second later, Dr. Doofenshmirtz gets on his knees and pleads to Perry) Please, I'll do anything! Oh, for the love of great Caeser's ghost, what would you have me do?
Isabella: Hic! Darn. It didn't work, Phineas. (Phineas takes off the monster suit) What else you got?
Phineas: Oh, we've got plenty if your up to it.
Baljeet: You can run, but it won't be to the college of your choice, I tell you!
Buford: Behold... the face of evil!
Vampire: (to Candace) Good evening— it is evening, isn't it?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: So what you're saying is if I let you go, you'll tell me where my keys are? (Perry nods) Oh, for Pete's sake, why didn't you say that like an hour ago?
(presses button; restraints that held Perry disappear and Perry lifts up his foot)
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Okay, let's make sure I didn't forget anything in my haste. Let's see, I've got my old basketball, the lamp, the Christmas lights, the umbrella, Perry the Platypus, the Disintivaporator, my golf— PERRY THE PLATYPUS? (dramatic shock sound plays) THE DISINTIVAPORATOR?! (dramatic shock sound plays again) MY GOLF CLUBS?!? I don't even play golf!
(A string of Christmas lights hanging from Dr. D's rocket get tied up on the lightning rod at the tip of the haunted house, which carries it away)
Candace: See? Absolute terror! These little creeps destroyed our backyard leaving this ugly mess in its place!
Phineas: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We thought it only fair to warn you that the show you're about to see may disturb you. It may shock you! It may even HORRIFY you! Ferb spits out hairball You've been warned.
Phineas: Looks like a real summer storm! Thunder crashes Well, our plan to stand alone in a field with a metal rod is out.
Major Monogram: Ooh, cheese and crackers! I'm late for my cousins wedding.
Dr. Phineastein: I know what we're gonna do today. (laughs maniacally)
Candace: Can't you at least tell a story in color, Grandpa? (castle goes from black-and-white to pink and girly)
Phineas: Perhaps muted color would be better. (castle turns gray-green)
Constance: Will you hold it down? I am trying to use the quill!
Constance: I'm telling mob!
Random Villager: I am finally cured of my irrational fear that a giant platypus will see me in my underpants! (Platypus monster walks by) It's even worse than I imagined.
Phineastein: Oh, there you are, Platypus monster.
Jeremiah: (To Constance) I can't remember a day when you looked more beautiful. (Constance turns into monster) Well.... now I can.
Man in soap opera: I love you.
Woman in soap opera: No, I love you much more than you love me.
Woman in soap opera: I love you!
Man in soap opera: I thought you hated me!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: But follow me. I-I do have something even more impressive over there... my brand new... Blenderinator! Spelling doom for even the toughest of apples! (turns on blender) Bow down to me, Granny Smith!
Dr. Gevaarlijk: Ja, I'm sure if I was a pomaceous fruit I would be trembling. Where is your phone-inator? I need to call a cab-inator.
Dr. Gevaarlijk: In your letters, you said your nemesis was a 'suave, semi-aquatic personification of unstoppable, dynamic fury'.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: He's just about to do something! Wait for it...
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: To honor your visit, I will blow up the moon!
Dr. Gevaarlijk: Blow up the moon? But that would mean-
Dr. Gevaarlijk: Oh, Heinz, evil doesn't always have to be on a big scale. You can spread evil in the little things you do every day.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: (tearing up) You're right...
Singers: Pinhead Pierre! Has the smallest head of which I'm aware! It's about the size and shape of a pear! Everywhere the children stare, life's cruel and unfair to Pinhead Pierre!
Major Monogram: I apologize for using the emergency chute, and uh, for not telling you we had an emergency chute... But there was an emergency... shoot!
Phineas: I'd like my cartoon character to have the power to be everywhere at once. I'd be called Multi-Man! And Ferb would have a utility belt, and use lots of crazy gadgets! He'd be called... um, Ferb Guy!
Candace: (sarcastically) Well, I would have super mind-control and use telepathy and telekinesis to keep you super-dweebs under control with your lame-o superpowers.
Buford: That's an interesting question you pose, as it reveals not only one's impulses and desires, but one's deepest fears as well. I'll go with Belchman.
Offscreen Singers: Belchman!
Phineas: How about you, Baljeet?
Baljeet: Isabella took mine.
Doofenshmirtz: Turns out, anything I hit with the ray starts dancing. For instance... (opens closet door to reveal a dancing man) a dryer repair man.
Dryer Repair Man: Help! I can't stop getting down! Ooh!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: To add insult to injury, the platypus is leading.
Candace: Oh, this is just getting out of control. Mom! Mom!
Linda's voice mail recording: Hi! This is Mom. Leave your psychotic rant about the boys when you hear the beep.
Candace: Huh, maybe I should go out there and feel the love. Candace gets pelted with tomatoes. Love feels a lot like tomatoes.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Well, everyone knows dancing is evil! Perry the Platypus, what are you doing? Stop with the conga line. We're doing the Macarena.
Candace trying to explain how the studio disappeared
Linda: Well, I'm here. Now where's this giant animation studio?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Norm, I know what we're going to do today.
Doofenshmirtz: We're moving...to a golden new country on the sea. Created by the greatest mastermind of all time...me. Assisted by Norm...
Norm: I'm drilling!
Phineas: Speaking of bold fashion statements, have you seen Candace?
Norm: Don't forget: Friday is cake day.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh, Vanessa. You're looking... uh, oh no matter. Where we're going you can dress up like a clown every day if you want.
Vanessa: You're building your own evil land? ... And you built a plush model?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Well, I had a lot of felt...
Mindy: Immediately after taking a photo of Candace Aaaand, send. Wow. 50 replies already.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: (Referring to Perry) What's keeping him? Gee, I hope something horrible happened to him.
Norm: Does someone need a hug?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Of course not, you glorified waffle iron!
Norm: Who's up for a game of lawn-darts?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I'd prefer to play hide and seek because I don't want to see you.
Phineas: Bless you, Perry the Platypus!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Eight, nine, ten! Ready or not, here I come!
Sees Norm hiding right behind a pole
Stacy: Don't man the phone, girl. Phone the man!
Isabella: Why are you guys walking so slow?
Phineas: Dramatic effect.
Candace: Brothers. Does every sister have to deal with this? No. Do I have to deal with this? Of course. You'd think I'd have better things to do and more important things to worry about. Every single day it's one thing after another. But do Mom and Dad see it? No. Do they get in trouble? No. And another thing... Arriving at the cockpit and only seeing Perry making a chatter.
Phineas: Candace, how'd you get in there?
Candace: I can't hear you! My cheeks are covering my ears!
Astronaut: OK, let's land this puppy. (The Flynn-Fletcher car lands on the launch pad) OK, it's bad enough this happens on Earth. NOW, SPACE?!
Phineas: Don't worry Candace, it's pre-programmed. Everything will be okay as long as you don't start hitting buttons randomly.
Candace: I can't hear you! I'm too busy hitting buttons randomly!
Candace: Nothing to be scared of?! There's the never-ending, icy cold, soul sucking darkness of space!
Phineas: If by bad you mean we're stranded in the never-ending, icy cold, soul sucking darkness of space... then yeah.
Astronaut: (voice amplified) Ah, would the owner of a red station wagon please move your vehicle? You are in a space shuttle loading and unloading zone only.
Isabella: (After Candace explains why she's afraid to ask Jeremy to the dance) You do realize that's kind of a worst-case scenario, right, Candace? But I do feel for you. I've been trying to ask Phineas to that same dance all day.
Candace: Phineas! What is taking those boys so long?! They were supposed to find fuel ages ago! Later, Isabella!
Phineas: So, Candace?
Candace: ....Oh, I get it. Big lesson. Well I guess I learned that I wouldn't be afraid to ask Jeremy out if he were growing out of the back of my head! I'm out of here.
Astronaut: That's it, I'm not waiting any longer! (he and the co-pilot lift the car off the launch pad) Now, let's land this thing. (an alien lands his ship on the same launch pad) OH, COME ON!! (removes helmet) Uh-oh. (face puffs up) I think I need to go inside, now.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Soon, Perry the Platypus, the sun will be at full strength, and my plan will come to fruition. Unless, of course, it's overcast... (Alarm warbles) Proximity alert? Why are there so many people in space? What's up with that?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: That's right, run away, Perry the Scardey--Oh! (face puffs up) Oh. I think I need to put on my space suit.
Isabella: Hey Phineas. You guys were great!
Phineas: Thanks. You weren't too bad yourselves.
Candace: Okay, it's still here. Come on mom, we're really coming down to the wire on this one. Mom!
(Leaves for a moment before returning)
Oh great and magical being who maketh all things magically vanish before mom sees them... knock it off!
(After Stacy leaves)
Jeremy: Hey Candace.
Candace (As Morty Williams): So, uh, let's see, uh, close your eyes.
Sergeant: (Closes his eyes) Like this?
(After the sergeant falls over the cliff)
Candace: Do you think he'll be...
Phineas: As the assault team carries him out I haven't even finished my cereal!
Isabella: Hey, Phineas. You might wanna check up on Baljeet. I was walking by his house when I heard him scream, (uses fake Indian accent) "AIEEE! I AM DOOMED TO BE AN INCOMPETENT FLUNKEE FOREVER!" ...ever... ever... ever... (uses normal voice) I added the echo part.
Major Monogram: (startled by Perry's entrance because he's not wearing his wig) Oh! Agent P! (puts on wig) It appears that Doofenshmirtz has made some rather unusual purchases: chicken wire, three metric tons of baking soda, and lederhosen. You know, those leather windpipe shorts that make you look like a walking cuckoo clock? Man, he is one sick puppy.
Baljeet: Inside I am thanking you a thousand times, even though on the outside, I remain quite frugal.
Doofenshmirtz: So, Perry the Platypus, I bet you're wondering why I'm wearing lederhosen? What? I've got the legs for it. (shows Perry his legs) Huh, huh? (vehicle stops behind them) So, anyway, the answer will be clear enough when--
Woman: (man's voice) COME ON, HANSEL! MOVE IT!
Judge: Are those mechanical arms?
Girl: Why, yes. I used them to make this baking soda volcano.
Candace: Snail, I'll call you snail!
Wendy: Oh, you're quick.
Candace: So my friends want some time to themselves, huh? Well not without me they're not!
Slushy Dawg manager: I'm looking for Jeremy, too. I need him to work tomorrow. Our fry guy just defected over to Taco Tepee. You win this one, Cooks with Grease!
Candace: Ooh, I just got a text message, and it's from Stacy. CYL - BFF - S. What does that mean? Let's see... "Candace, you loser. Bad friendships fail. Stacy." Harsh!
Phineas: Welcome to Mars!
Scientist: (screams) I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I HAVE BEEN STARING AT RED ROCKS FOR TWENTY YEARS! (Turns around with back to screen, and Candace comes screaming at the rover calling for help but doesn't get any attention) THAT'S ALL THERE IS ON THAT STUPID PLANET! RED ROCKS! Face it...there's no life on Mars...THAT'S IT! I AM SHUTTING THIS PLACE DOWN! GAME OVER! (the rover is shut down)
Candace: Stupid rover! (starts kicking at the rover) You're not gonna ignore me too! Take that, you ugly unmanned exploratory vehicle! (destroys the rover) Yeah, that's what I thought!
Baljeet: Hey, look. It is us in the future fixing the portal.
Future Baljeet: Hello, Baljeet of the past. Just watch us. That is how we fixed the portal. Gesundheit!
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, I already got the chicken wire...
(Doofenshmirtz hands the list to Perry)
Candace: (indicating the face on Mars) Who does that look like?
Linda: Hmm, well, it looks a little like a rhesus monkey wearing a powdered wig.
Stacy: Didn't you get my text? "Call you later, best friends forever, Stacy"?
Candace: (looking down at text) Oh... That's what I thought it said.