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Mind Share/Transcript

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(Scene opens up with Phineas and Ferb having a conversation with Meap)
Meap: (in a hunky accent) It was good getting down around town with my main man, Phineas and Ferb.
Phineas: I think those translation sideburns are really working for you, Meap.
Meap: Rock n' roll! (takes sideburns off) Meap!
Phineas: Later, Meap!
(Ferb signs Meap off)
Isabella: Hey Phineas, what'cha doin'?
Phineas: Oh, you missed it. We were just talking with Meap in the galactic web.
("DEAL" begins flashing on the screen)
Baljeet: What is that flashing on your screen?
Phineas: Hmm...I don't know. Let's open it up, Ferb.

(Ferb opens up a window, an alien, Morg, appears on the screen)
Morg: Hi, my name is Morg. Have you ever wished that you could pop off to another planet, on the other side of the galaxy for a quick visit? Well, now you can! With Mind Share Vacations! Mmm! You and your friends can trade places, with me and my friends, for the interplanetary vacation, of a lifetime!
Phineas: That sounds like fun.
Morg: Imagine, relaxing in a hot rock by the pools, and then surrounded by beautiful newts! Or splork through the tubeworm forest, of put wishum foomf! Woohoo! Hmm! Here's how it works. Your mind comes to lodge in his head, and his mind goes to stay in yours. Only your mind makes the trip, mmm. All you have to do, is build this highly sophisticated device, and be on your way to priiiii...a mind share vacation of a lifetime!

Phineas: Ferb, I think I know what we're gonna do today.
Baljeet: It sounded like he almost said we were on our way to Perry.
Buford: Ha ha ha. Hey, where is Perry?


(Cut to Perry on his hang glider, he checks his watch, which is beeping)
Major Monogram: Morning, Agent P. We have intelligence that Doofenshmirtz may have taken up Square Dancing. He cannot be allowed to use one of our beloved american traditions for his evil purposes! So get out there and make sure he do-si-do...sen't do that, I guess.
(Perry chatters)


(In the backyard, the gang is setting up the Mind Share Device)
Phineas: There, finished. Well, that was easier than I thought. Let's fire this bad boy up!
(Ferb taps several buttons on the touch screen and runs over to join everyone on the Mind Share Device)
Phineas: Brace yourselves for fun, because we're going on a Mind Share Vacation!

(They close their eyes and the Mind Share Device zaps them, causing their skin tones to go pale. The screen flashes, the kids open their eyes and find themselves in Morg and his friends' bodies, only this time with their hair colors and color schemes on their outfits. They are just in a jail cell with a vacation backdrop)

Baljeet: Did it work?
Phineas: I think it did.
Buford: Hey, wait a second. (Ferb rolls the backdrop up) Where the heck are we?
Baljeet: Ohhhh, prison. We were on our way to prison.
Isabella: That's what he almost said.

(Shift to Morg and his friends, now in the bodies of the kids. The bodies are the same, except the eyes are now yellow with red slits, except for Buford's, whose are red with a grid, and their skin tones are paler)
Morg: Hmm! Our escape plan worked perfectly! We are now free to ransack this planet! Everyone, celebration noises!
(Morg and his friends make various sounds; the alien in Baljeet's body makes bicycle horn noises. When everyone stops, he still makes noises. Morg turns and stares at him)
Morg: Okay, that's enough!

(Back in the prison...)
Ferb: It appears as though we've been transported into some sort of...inter-galactic hoosegow.
Buford: I was framed!
Phineas: (holding a sauce can) I'm afraid we've been duped into aiding in the escape of some rather brilliant galactic prisoners. And they did it with this little gadget --
(Phineas touches the can, a screen shoots out of the can, Morg is on the screen)
Isabella: Phineas, that's you!
Morg: That's right losers, mmm! We pulled the old switcheroo! In case you chumps have any ideas about coming back, we're setting the device on our end to self-destruct! In one hour!
Alien in Buford's body: Why are we waiting an hour to destroy it?
Alien in Baljeet's body: Have you no sense of drama?
Morg: Sayonara, suckers! Mmm!
(the screen disappears)
Buford: Ain't that the squirts.
Isabella: Well, look on the bright side! (pause) I got nothing.
Buford: Hey, guys, I just realized somethin'! I'm the only fly in a prison full of frogs and lizards!
Baljeet: Luckily I do not think anyone else has noticed.
Inmate 1: (offscreen) You're mine, flyboy!
Inmate 2: (offscreen) Fresh fly!
Inmate 3: (offscreen) We're gonna get you!
Baljeet: Well, it was nice knowing you.
Phineas: I think I figured out how we can reverse this thing. We'll be back in our own bodies in no time, barring any unforeseen— (alarm blares) What's that?
(Underhead shot of the prison cells. The bars evaporate with the prisoners stepping forward. The warden enters.)
Warden: Out of your cells, ladies! Surprise inspection! Cell number 12, don't make me come down there! Morg! What are you and your misfits up to this time? What's that? (pointing to the device in the cell)
Phineas: Oh, uh—
(The warden swipes it and crushes it before Phineas can respond)
Warden: Contraband! One more infraction outta you nerds and I will put you all in the hole for good!!! You got it?!!
(He leaves)
Isabella: The guard just took our only connection back to Earth! Now what are we gonna do?!
Phineas: I think we might be able to rebuild it, if we could just get the parts.
Buford: We need to find a guy who knows how to get things. Every prison has one.
Baljeet: How do you know what every prison ha—
Buford: Uh-uh!! Don't go there!

(Cut back to the Flynn-Fletcher household, where Candace approaches the beings that look like her brothers and their friends)
Candace: Woah-woah-woah-woah-woah! Where on earth do you think you're going?
Morg: We're going to Lotsmo to steal food.
Candace: What?! Are you pretending to be aliens or something?
Morg: Hmm, yes, pretending. Hilarity noises! (The aliens laugh and the alien in Baljeet's body honks repeatedly again) I'm not gonna tell you again! (The alien briefly stops but not before honking one last time, much to the irritation of Morg)


(Cut to Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated. Perry is hang-gliding over the roof. He crashes into one of the windows. A lasso appears and grabs him. Doofenshmirtz appears from the right of the screen in cowboy attire.)
Doofenshmirtz: Gotcha! Ha-ha! I know what you're thinking. Why the snazzy getup? Why the boots? Well, ya see, I met this girl, Rosie, on a square-dancing website and I may have led her to believe that I'm...an expert square dancer. (Perry looks at him scornfully) Hey, don't give me that self-righteous look! It's the web, man! Everybody stretches the truth! You don't think that cat really eats cheeseburgers, do you? Anyway, that's why I made these boots (close-up on the boots) to help me dance. See? They have these little microphones that hear all the commands of the square dance caller and they move exactly to those commands, making me the perfect square dancer! So I really want to make a good impression. Maybe you can come along and, you know, make me look good. What do you say? Will you be my wingman? (Perry just gives Doof a look) There's my guy! Oh, yeah, and by the way, she also thinks I'm a champion bull rider, so if it comes up, you, y-, h-hey, don't look at me like that!


(Cut back to the prison. Slow zoom on a red frog looking creature in a black-striped jumpsuit.)
Red: (voiceover) There must be a guy like me in every prison in the universe. I'm the guy who knows how to get things. Dragonflies, a warm rock if that's your thing, or maybe a lilly-pad for your kid's graduation. So when Morg and his friends needed parts for a mind-swap device, (Buford and Baljeet approach the creature with a piece of paper) they came looking for me.
Buford: Psst, I understand you're a guy that knows how to get things.
(Pause. The creature suddenly grabs Buford with his tongue and attempts to chew him up.)
Baljeet: Stop it! Stop it! What is wrong with you?! Spit him out!
(The creature spits out Buford, who is covered in alien saliva.)
Red: I'm sorry. I skipped breakfast. What is it you are looking for?
Buford: (gives him the piece of paper) Here. We made a list.
Red: (taking out a pair of reading glasses) You can find everything you need in the dumpster out back of the Lotsmo on Flyway 61.
Buford: So then you can get us the stuff?
Red: No. I'm not the guy who gets things. I'm the guy who knows how to get things. You would have to tunnel out of your cell and crawl 500 yards through the prison gunge pipe just to reach the outside. That's the length of five football fields.
Buford: How d'ya know how long a football field is?

(Fade to the prison cell wall with a poster of the movie The Land I'd Like to Forget on it. Phineas lifts up the poster to reveal a large hole, which he crawls into.)
Red: (voiceover) Later that day, to make their escape, those boys crawled through 500 yards of foul-smelling nastiness I can't even imagine. (Fade on a shot of a sewer pipe. Phineas crawls out of it into the sewage. He lifts his arms up just like Tim Robbins did in the movie.) Five hundred yards. That's the length of 11 baseball banners, one tennis court, a medium-sized male elephant and a croquet wicket. (While Red is narrating, Ferb crawls out, followed by Isabella. Fade in on a shot of the gang at the dumpster holding some spare parts.) It wasn't long before they found everything that they needed.
Phineas: Great! Let's hurry up and put this thing together!
Isabella: The sooner, the better!
Baljeet: But if we do the mind swap here, those criminals will still be out of jail.
Phineas: You're right. I hadn't thought of that.
(Fade back to the sewer where Phineas and the rest crawl back into the pipe.)
Red: (voiceover) So even later that day, those boys crawled back through 500 yards of foul-smelling nastiness that I—
Baljeet: Actually, it is not as bad as you would think.
Buford: Yeah, gunge is actually quite refreshing.
Red: (voiceover) Oh. Well, it was still 500 yards. That's the length of two volleyball courts, a Nimitz-class aircraft carrier, a large three-drawer filing cabinet, three French—
Buford: (from inside the pipe) We're not listening anymore!
Red: (voiceover) Oh. Okay, then.


(Cut to the Danville Square Dance. Many Danville residents are attending dressed in western attire. Doofenshmirtz and Perry are standing at the entrance.)
Doofenshmirtz: Ooh, check it out, Perry the Platypus. There she is. That's Rosie. (cut to a woman with light red hair and freckles wearing a magenta dress holding a red Solo cup) She's from Hazel Park (whispering) by the racetrack. (out loud) Why don't you go over there and sit with the other wingmen? (cut to outside a barn where three airplane wingmen are sitting and giving thumbs up) And you can, you know, give me hand signals in case I get stuck. Right? (He approaches Rosie) Heh, hi there. I'm...I'm JohnnyRingoenshmirtz217.
Rosie: (in a southern accent) Oh, so nice to finally meet you face to face. I must say, I like a man with a strong chin.
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, (chuckles) well, thank you. A lot of people focus on the, you know, the weak forehead. So you...so you care to dance?
Rosie: I would love to.
(Song: Square Dance)
Caller: Do-si-do with all your might
Join elbows and circle right
Now join hands with the lady fair
And promenade her around the fair
Pick it up now!
You're lookin' good out there
Now promenade your lady fair
(The following dialogue happens over the song)
Rosie: Well, Johnny, I'm impressed.
Doofenshmirtz: Well, these boots were made for dancin'... (closeup on the boots) literally.


(Cut back to the prison. Phineas is holding the newly repaired communication device)
Phineas: Hello? Earth?

(Cut to outside the Flynn-Fletcher house. Candace is still standing there. The screen behind her shows Phineas.)
Phineas: Hello?
Candace: (turns around and screams) Why are you talking like my little brother, lizard boy?!
Phineas: It's me, Candace, Phineas! Outer space alien super crooks from a land of frogs and reptiles have taken over our bodies.
Candace: Okay. What do you want me to do?
Phineas: Really? You believe that weird story just like that?
Candace: Yeah, it's been a long summer, kid. What do you need?
Phineas: Well, okay. We need you to find those aliens that look like us and get them to stand on the mind share machine staging area over there.
Candace: The what?
Phineas: Y'know, that platform thing. It's the only way to get our brains back into our bodies.
Candace: Okay.
Phineas: Oh, the machine is set to self-destruct in one hour (Candace puts her hands over her mouth in disbelief) so you gotta hurry.
Candace: Right! I'm on it, Phineas! (she exits to the left side of the screen)

(Cut to Lotsmo)
Morg: (offscreen) Mmmm, quickly now! Get all that gluten on the transport vehicle!
(Candace sneaks behind the building to see where the aliens are)
Morg: (offscreen) Hmm...let's go! I've seen Argonian moon sloths that move faster!
(The aliens are carrying boxes onto a truck with the truck driver tied up with his mouth taped. They suddenly hear the square dance caller in the distance.)
Caller: (in the distance) Now join hands with the lady fair
And promenade her around the fair
Pick it up now!
Morg: Hmm...what is that? That sound? (Their eyes literally widen) I feel compelled to obey its hypnotic quadrilateral voice commands! Hmm...must seek out source!
Candace: Where are they going now?


(Cut back to the square dance)
Rosie: You got me all tuckered out with that fancy footwork you been doin'. What should we do now?
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, well, let's see. (Looks to Perry who rubs his belly) We could rub our stomachs (Perry opens his mouth and points to inside of it) and point to our mouths and later we could roll our eyes and put our head in our hands.
Rosie: I thought we could get somethin' to eat.
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, that sounds good, too. I mean... Hang on, let me check. (Perry gives him a thumbs up) Let's go!
(They exit. Cut to the entrance with the aliens still hypnotized by the music.)
Morg: Oh, rhinestone encrusted oracle, command us with your quadrilateral right angle voice commands! Hmm...
Caller: Allemande with the old left hand,
Hand over hand and heel over heel,
The faster you go, the better you feel!

Now allemande right, tip her to and fro.
Duck on under, don't be slow.
Two more times then turn around...

Candace: Of course.

Caller: Lift her up and set her down!
Now grab hands and- AIYEE!!

(Candace bumps the caller out of frame and takes over the megaphone.)
Candace: Listen up, dweebs, and listen good!
You're gonna do what I say you should!
If you're a reptile, four by four,
All join hands and head for the door!
That's right! Cross on through there! (She beckons for the band to follow her as she leaves the dance)

Out the door and all turn west,
Together now, don't be a pest.
Wait right here for all of us;
We're about to board the Main Street bus.

(Cut back to the prison. The cell bars evaporate once more and the warden returns.)
Warden: Out of your cells, ladies! Inspection time!
Phineas: Oh, Candace better hurry up!

(Cut back to Earth. Candace is still calling the dance with the band right behind her in the yard of the Flynn-Fletcher house.)
Candace: I'm gonna get my brothers back,
You cosmic kleptomaniacs!
So get on up with a hop and a spring,
Climb on up on the... the...
(The band stops.) Oh, what the heck did Phineas call that thing?

(Cut back to the prison)
Warden: Number 12, front and center! Number twelve!

(Cut back to the house)
Candace: Oh, what did he call it? The-the transfer stage arena? The...mind swap place? The...the, um...

(Cut back to the prison)
Phineas: Come on, Candace! Hurry!

(Cut back to the house)
Candace: Oh, I remember!
Climb on up that platform thing!
(The aliens do so and they swap again.)

(Cut back to the prison cell.)
Warden: What have you got to say for yourself this time, Morg?!
Morg: We were framed! Hmmm..

(Cut back to the house.)
Phineas: Candace, you did it!
Candace: That's right, and when Mom gets back you're gonna be so --
(close up on the countdown clock, which winds down and the mind share device disappears)
Phineas: And just in the nick of time!
Candace: Oh, never mind.

End Credits

(Doofenshmirtz and Rosie are seen walking down the street)
Rosie: Oh, Johnny, isn't it amazing how well we square-danced together?
(They pass by 2 Guyz N the Parque leaning on a wall. One of them presses play on a boombox and hip-hop music begins playing.)
(Song: Shake Your Body)
Singer: Shake your body like you just don't care!
Shake your body like you just don't care!
Shake your body
Shake your body
Shake your body
Shake your body
Shake shake shake shake shake shake shake shake

(Doofenshmirtz unwillingly shakes his body like he just doesn't care)
Doofenshmirtz: It's the boots! I don't usually have...boogie fever! Y'know I... (stammers)
Rosie: Oh, JohnnyRingoenshmirtz! You said you only square danced! Well, I would never go out with somebody who would stretch the truth on the internet! Goodbye!
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, come on, you don't think that cat really plays the piano, do you?!

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