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Misperceived Monotreme/Transcript

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(Scene opens at the Danville Zoo)
Reynolds: Hello, Tri-State Area. This is Al Reynolds reporting from the Danville Zoo. I'm here with Tykera Kwok and the zoo's latest acquisition. (at Tykera) Tykera, what is this thing? It looks like a beaver-duck.
Tykera: No, this is a platypus.


(Scene shifts to the living room at the Flynn-Fletcher home where Ferb, Phineas, and Perry are watching the news report.)
Reynolds: (on TV) A platypus?
Phineas: Hey, he looks like you, Perry.
Tykera: (on TV) That's right.
Phineas: Of course, he doesn't look nearly as smart.
(Perry chatters)


(Back at the Danville Zoo, where the interview continues.)
Reynolds: Well, what does it do?
Tykera: Not much. He does like sandwiches though.
(She holds out a sandwich, which the zoo platypus eats.)
Reynolds: (chuckles) So, got anything for the hundreds and thousands of people about to change the channel on me might find remotely interesting?
(Camera gives an up-close look of the zoo platypus.)
Tykera: Well, over here we've some pelicans and a baby rhino.
(Reynolds and Tykera walk away and a second later, the zoo platypus sniffs the air. Camera pans to the where to the semi-truck for Foley Freight is parked.)
Delivery Man 1: What's that smell?
Delivery Man 2: That's my sandwich. I left it back at the truck.
(After the delivery men walk away carrying a crate, the zoo platypus is headed towards the smell.)
Delivery Man 1: No, I mean that other smell.
Delivery Man 2: Oh, that's you.
Delivery Man 1: Oh yeah, right.
(The zoo platypus, now inside the back of the truck, eats the entire sandwich.)


(Scene shifts to the Flynn-Fletcher home, then back to the living room where Perry's the only there.)
(phone ringing)
Candace: Hi, Mom.
Linda: Hi, Candace.

(On a street in Danville)
Linda: (on her cell phone) I'm doing the shopping, do you need anything?
Candace: (via cell phone) No, I'm good.
Linda: The boys said they'd have fun at home so go out and do something instead of waiting around for Jeremy to call.

(The following scene switches between the Flynn-Fletchers' and the Johnsons' respective homes)
Candace: I do stuff! Uh-oh, call waiting. Bye! (presses a button) Hi, Jeremy.
Jeremy: I just called to let you know I'll be at the big pet wash at the park today.
Candace: Pet wash?
Jeremy: Yeah. Instead of cars, we wash pets for charity. You know, you can really...
Candace: Wait. Hang on, Jeremy. (at Perry) Okay, eww! Off the couch, go on. Get out of here.
(Perry jumps off the couch)
Candace: You heard me. Hit the road, meat brick.
(Perry leaves the living room)
Candace: (at Jeremy) You were saying?
Jeremy: I was saying you can really tell a lot about a person by the way they treat animals.
Candace: True.
Jeremy: Hey, why don't you bring Perry to the park and we can wash him together? Sound like fun?
Candace: Yeah. Okay, see you there. (closes cell phone) Oh, Perry! Come here, you little meat brick.


(In the backyard where Phineas and Ferb are lying on their backs watching the sky)
Phineas: Ferb, I've been thinking. Since there's nothing more fun than fun, why no add fun to everything?
(Ferb folds a piece of paper in half)
Phineas: Fun shoes, fun oatmeal,...
(Ferb places the folded paper on his nose)
Phineas: ...fun origami. Well, origami's already fun. Fun... (close-up of Ferb's face) house! Great idea, Ferb! We'll turn our house into a fun house, by you know, adding fun.
Candace: Hey, guys, where's Perry?
(Ferb removes the paper)
Phineas: I think he went that way. (points to the left)
(Camera pans to Perry, who stands up as his wrist communicator started beeping. He's about to turn it on when Candace notices him.)
Candace: Oh, there you are, Perry. (picks Perry up)
(Phineas is lying on his back again enjoying the fresh air. Ferb, meanwhile, has replaced the folded paper on his nose.)
Candace: (walking past them) I'm borrowing your platypus.
Phineas: (opens his eyes) Okay, have fun.
(Perry chatters before leaving with Candace. Ferb's blowing the paper on and off his nose.)
Candace: Will you stop squirming? You're a platypus. It's not like you have anywhere you need to be!


(In Perry's lair, Carl's modifying the chair while Monogram's on the monitor.)
Major Monogram: Where's Agent P? You set off the wrist beacon, right, Carl?
Carl: I'm worried too, sir. So I thought I'd make myself useful by modifying his chair. I added a hidden button so the chair will automatically go to Doofenshmirtz's. Then automatically return here. (laughs) Everything's Agent P sized here. It's kind of cute, like kindergarten.
(Monogram rolls his eyes.)


(Meanwhile, in the backyard...)
Delivery Man 1: Sign here, please.
Phineas: Let me guess, you guys just delivered to the zoo?
Delivery Man 1: Oh, yes. Yes, we did.
(All the items for the fun house is dumped into the backyard.)
Phineas: I thought I detected a hint of western lowland gorilla.
(The zoo platypus runs down the pile and then went towards the tree.)
Delivery Man 1: (sighing) No. No, that's me.
Phineas: Oh. Sorry, dude.
Delivery Man 1: (while walking away) That's okay, I'm learning to live with it.
Phineas: Yeesh. I could learn a thing or two from you about talking less. (pulls out blueprint; opens it) Now let's see. The hall of mirrors obviously goes in the hall, but where should we put the liquid nitrogen room?


(Back in Perry's lair, Carl is now taking a break while eating a sandwich.)
Major Monogram: What is taking Agent P so long?(notices the sandwich) Carl, what is in that sandwich?
Carl: (gulps; pause) Peanut butter, banana, and sardines.
Major Monogram: Oh, for Pete's sake, I can see the smell from here. Put it down and test all the outside portals. Maybe the doors are stuck or something.
Carl: Okay, sir. (places sandwich on console; pulls down a lever)
(Outside in the backyard, the door to the tree entrance opens. The zoo platypus smells Carl's sandwich and leaps in to eat it.)
Carl: Seems like it's working just...
(The zoo platypus lands in Perry's chair, much to Carl's surprise.)
Carl: Oh, there you are, Agent P.
Major Monogram: Thank goodness. (pause) You're in the way, Carl.
Carl: Oh. Sorry, sir. (walks to the right)
Major Monogram: Agent P, we were... Wait a minute. (close-up of the zoo platypus) You're not in uniform, agent. Where is your hat?
Computerized voice: Auto hat activated.
(One of Perry's spare fedoras is placed on the zoo platypus's head.)
Major Monogram: That's better. Sorry to be so harsh, Agent P, but today is a very special day. Your 100th battle with Dr. Doofenshmirtz.
Carl: (blows noisemaker)
Major Monogram: We planted hundreds of hidden cameras in Evil Incorporated (image of D.E.I. shows on monitor) so that we here at headquarters can watch the historic event and also enjoy some cheap laughs. (chuckles)
Doofenshmirtz: (on monitor) Shangri-La! You live forever here in Shangri-Laaaa!
Major Monogram: We've got hours of that, hours. Now, do us proud, Agent P.
(While the zoo platypus tries to reach for Carl's sandwich, it "accidentally" touches a switch on Perry's chair, which activates a helicopter blade.)
(Outside the Flynn-Fletcher home, the stairs lifts up and the zoo platypus starts its journey toward D.E.I.)


(At the Danville Park, the charity pet wash is well under way. Among the animals in attendance are the unnamed brown-spotted beagle, the Johnson family's black poodle, Jenny Brown's dog,... and Perry.)
Jeremy: Man, look at all these pet lovers.
Candace: Yeah, my peeps.
(Close-up of Perry, who has a worried look on his face.)
Jeremy: You ready for your bath, huh, boy? Who loves Candace? Oh, who's a beautiful boy? Who loves Candace?
(Close up of Candace, who is in a love-induced trance. Her eyes gradually close)
Jeremy: (offscreen) What do you need? What do you need? You know what you need?
Candace: What do I need?
Jeremy: (offscreen) A bath.
Candace: (quickly opens her eyes) What? (realizes) Oh, yeah, right. Right. Right. Perry.
(Candace then tries to get Perry into a metal tub. Perry finally starts kicking his feet.)
Candace: What's wrong with you, Perry? Don't you wanna get clean, you dirty little... (Perry kicks her; she lets go of him) Whoops! Where'd he go?
(Perry's theme starts playing as he runs towards one of the trees. He hides behind it, goes into agent mode, and then puts on his fedora.)
(Perry chatters)
Jeremy: (while Perry quickly reverts to pet mode) I think he's behind that tree. (picks Perry up, who chatters again; hands him to Candace) See, he's glad you found him.
(Perry starts wriggling and grunting in Candace's arms.)
Candace: Yeah, me too.


Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!
Reynolds: (on TV) It looks like the zoo's new beaver-duck has escaped.
Doofenshmirtz: Eh, local news. (turns TV off with a remote) All summer long, we have this standing appointment and suddenly Mr. Big Shot can't be troubled to... (screams; spills his coffee)
(The zoo platypus has entered through the glass in Perry's chair. Doofenshmirtz jumps on an -inator with surprise. The chair lands and then the zoo platypus gets off of it.)

(At O.W.C.A. Headquarters, an excited Monogram's in the waiting area sitting on a blue couch in front of a wide-screen TV.)
Monogram: Hurry up, Carl. The fight's about to begin.
Doofenshmirtz: (on TV) Perry the Platypus!

(Back at D.E.I.)
Doofenshmirtz: So kind of you to finally show up (pushes the button on the remote) and demolish my wall.
(The zoo platypus gets trapped.)
Doofenshmirtz: (tosses the remote) Gotcha!
(The remote lands on the edge of a table. Doofenshmirtz then gets off the -inator with a grunt.)
Behold, the Least-Likely-inator! All I have to do is zap someone with this baby and they can't help but do the least likely thing to their nature. (activates the Least-Likely-inator and a red ray comes out of it) Ooh, touchy.


(On a sidewalk, Isabella has caught up with Irving)
Isabella: Hey, Irving. Did you hear? Phineas and Ferb are building a fun house.
Irving: Really? (gets zapped by the ray; leans against an imaginary lamp post) Who cares? I'm too cool for those losers. Say, you're cute. (falls over) There used to be a lamp post there.


(Scene shifts to a close-up of Doofenshmirtz's face)
Doofenshmirtz: So what am I gonna do with the Least-Likely-inator, you ask? Make my daughter obey me? Make my father love me? No, and double no! ...Well, maybe later.
But first, I'm gonna aim this bad boy at City Hall and zap my brother the mayor. And he'll make a fool of himself in front of the legislature, which is the least likely thing he'd ever do. And the city will be forced to give the Tri-State Area to me, his next of kin! And don't tell me democracy doesn't work like that, Perry the Platypus. (covers his ears) I don't wanna hear it.
(Just then, the remote falls off the table, lands button side down, and therefore, deactivates the trap.)
Doofenshmirtz: (uncovers his ears; turns around) Perry the Platypus, you escaped already?
(The zoo platypus walks over to the spilled coffee then starts lapping at it.)
No, don't do that! I haven't vacuumed here in weeks.


(In the Flynn-Fletcher home, Phineas, Ferb, Buford, and Isabella are busy building the fun house.)

(Song: Quirky Worky Song)

Phineas: Whee! Wall slide's working.
Buford: Hey, Dinnerbell, where do you want the clown head?
Phineas: Clown room. (at Isabella) Hey, Isabella, how's that hall of cookies coming?
Isabella: Great, but I had to double the recipe.
Phineas: Hey, Ferb, how's the basement spin?
(ding!)
(The basement starts spinning around and around.)


(Back at D.E.I., the zoo platypus continues lapping up the spilled coffee.)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, down on all fours! I know that fighting technique. (gets down on all fours) It's Singapore Crab! I learnt in Hoboken. (moves back and forth; stands up; imitates a crab) Oh, yeah, I'm gonna sidewalk all over you, baby.
(Close-up of the zoo platypus)
Oh, I see what you're doing. You're messing with my head. Trying to get into my mind. Walk around in there, rearrange the furniture...

(Scene shifts to O.W.C.A. Headquarters, where at this point, Carl has joined Monogram on the couch. A bowl of popcorn is lying on Monogram's lap.)
Doofenshmirtz: (on TV) ...maybe repaint the kitchen.
Major Monogram: Take note, Carl. You're watching a master agent at work. (eats some popcorn)

(At D.E.I., the zoo platypus is now just standing still.)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, you're in for it.
(Camera pans to the Sand-o-mat, which has a whole bunch of sandwiches.)
Served with butter! (imitates a crab again; chuckles; zoo platypus walks by him; gets down on all fours) Hey, where'd you...
(Doofenshmirtz looks over to see that the zoo platypus is standing up with a paw on the Sand-o-mat.)
Hey, that's my sandwich display case.
(The zoo platypus tips the display case over, then goes back to all fours. Doofenshmirtz screams as it falls on him. Sandwiches then flies into the air, landing on various things. He screams again.)

(At O.W.C.A. Headquarters, the bowl of popcorn is now right between Monogram and Carl on the couch.)
Carl: Get him, Agent P!

(D.E.I.; Doofenshmirtz frowns as the zoo platypus eats the sandwich right in front of him.)
Doofenshmirtz: A fake-out, eh? (gets out from under the fallen display stand) Okay, Perry the Platypus, the claws are off now. From here on in, I fight the man style!
(The zoo platypus goes for a sandwich lying on a switch, which activates a brick wall. Doofenshmirtz slams into it. The wild monotreme then eats the sandwich.)
Doofenshmirtz: (muffling) Okay. I see you found the brick wall.

(O.W.C.A. Headquarters; Carl and Monogram has just watched the scene at D.E.I. on the TV. screen.)
Major Monogram: Oh, the Marsh Maneuver. Well, I haven't seen one of those since 1974.
(Camera shows that Carl's now holding the bowl of popcorn.)
Carl: 1974? You had a perm back then.
Major Monogram: Stay off the Internet, Carl.

(At the Danville Park, Candace is finishing washing Perry while Jeremy stands nearby holding a towel.)
Candace: (grunting; takes out Perry from tub) Here's cuteness!
Jeremy: (holds out towel; water drips off of Perry) That little guy's just drowning in mother love.
(Perry coughs as Candace places him on the towel.)


(At D.E.I., the zoo platypus is eating a sandwich on a table.)
Doofenshmirtz: What's the matter, Perry the Platypus? Don't they feed you at the agency?
(Doofenshmirtz leaps towards the zoo platypus, who jumps off the table. Unfortunately for him, he hits it and falls to the floor. A pitcher tips over and water spills out of it.)
Okay, resting now. Resting.
(The zoo platypus now eats a sandwich from a lever, which raises the floor.)
Oh, you wanna go public? Fine.


(At the Flynn-Fletcher home, Jeremy and Candace, holding Perry, are in the backyard.)
Jeremy: Wow, Candace, you sure know your pet.
(Candace puts Perry on the ground. Perry then goes through the door.)
You're the most responsible pet owner I've ever seen.
Candace: That's me. Now that we're here, can I offer you a... (opens back door)
(She and Jeremy yells as a gust of wind blows them into the house, and then the door slams shut)
Jeremy: A fun house? Man, your brothers are cool.
Candace: Oh, yeah. I'm sure.

(Song: Funhouse)
Well, you think it's a chair
But it's growin' curly hair
And your sister's unaware
That she's floating in the air
You're livin' in a fun house, baby!
You're livin' in a fun house, don't mean maybe

A million doors in the hall
And the table's on the wall
And the bathtub is your bed
And a floating baby head
You're livin' in a fun house, Lawrence
So you'd better get some optical illusion insurance

The floors are steep, you'll never sleep
Your mother calls through the rubber walls
Liftin' up a feather that weighed a ton
Don't need to rent a fun house, make your own house fun!
(Your own house fun!)

You're livin' in a fun house, baby
You're livin' in a fun house, pass the gravy!
And while we're on the subject, meet my friend Davy
He was in the navy and his hair is wavy

We're livin' in a fun house, mama
We're livin' in a fun house, quite the drama
And while we're on the subject, that Peruvian llama's
Wearing my pajamas and I know that I'm-a
Just livin' in a fun house, baby!

Phineas: That was some fun, huh, Candace?
Candace: No, not fun! Not fun.
Linda: (from outside the house) Candace? Boys? Come help me with the groceries.
Candace: I stand corrected. (leans out of her bedroom window) Mom, Phineas and Ferb built a giant fun house inside our house!
Linda: I'll be right there. I just gotta get the groceries.


(At D.E.I., the retractable roof is now opened and Doofenshmirtz and the zoo platypus are on top of the building.)
Doofenshmirtz: Hey, wait a minute. I've been going about this all wrong. I should be zapping you with the Least-Likely-inator so you'll lose! But first, I gotta get this sandwich out of the way.
(He tosses a sandwich over his shoulder, which lands on Perry's chair. The zoo platypus smells the sandwich then runs towards it.)
(laughs) Run, Perry the Platypus! But this time you're not likely to... (screams)
(Just then, the zoo platypus eats the sandwich, it hits Perry's chair and then leaves the building.)
Doofenshmirtz: Typical. (groans) I should've zapped myself.
(The Least-Likely-inator fires a red ray and then it explodes.)


(At the Flynn-Fletcher home)
Candace: But, Mom! Phineas and Ferb built a... (gets zapped by the ray) Urrgh!
(The song from earlier plays backwards as Candace cleaned the entire fun house up before Linda could eventually see it.)
Candace: Why am I doing this?
Linda: So, where's this fun house?
Phineas: Candace cleaned the whole thing up before you could see it.
Linda: You cleaned up the whole thing before I could see it?
Candace: Yes.
Linda: Well, that seems unlikely.
Ferb: Yes. Yes, it does.


(In Perry's lair, the zoo platypus walks out of it and a second later, Perry falls into his chair.)
Major Monogram, Carl: Surprise!
Major Monogram: Congratulations! Astounding work.
(Close-up of Perry)
Your 100th battle with Dr. Doofenshmirtz...
(Perry looks to the side)
...is already a big hit on the O.W.C.A. internet.
(Camera pans to the monitor)
With five million downloads so far.
(Camera pans back to Perry)
You're a star, Agent P.

End credits

(Song: Funhouse)
You're livin' in a fun house, baby
You're livin' in a fun house, pass the gravy!
And while we're on the subject, meet my friend Davy
He was in the navy and his hair is wavy

We're livin' in a fun house, mama
We're livin' in a fun house, quite the drama
And while we're on the subject, that Peruvian llama's
Wearing my pajamas and I know that I'm-a
Just livin' in a fun house, baby!

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