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Mom's in the House/Transcript

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(Scene opens up with the Flynn-Fletcher house in view)
Linda: Phineas? Ferb? Hey, boys. So, what's on the agenda for today?
Phineas: We though we'd do something classic and take Perry for a walk in the park.
Linda: He does need the exercise. Well, I'm heading to the store to pick up some things for dinner. I'm thinking spaghetti and meatballs, or a spaghetti-meatball. That's spaghetti and meat mixed up into a big ball. It's less of a choice of foodm than a choice of shape. Don't forget to bring a doodie bag for Perry! (leaves)
Phineas: We won't! (to Ferb) Hey, where is Perry?

(Scene shows the hose on the side of the house, Phineas and Ferb's bedroom, and the basement. Back on P&F)
Phineas: You know, Ferb, we should build a Perry. For occasions like this, when we're Perry-less. A giant anamatronic Perry with flashing eyes, fiberglass bill and... (Ferb holds up a blueprint of the Perrytronic 3000) Judo flipping tail action? Ferb, you anticipate my every need.

Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!

(Perry is flying on mechanical bat wings)
Major Monogram: Morning, Agent P, and welcome to our new Evil Science Readiness Program. You just keep circling Doof's building, and the second Doofenshmirtz is ready to begin his scheme, you'll be there. It doesn't leave a lot of time for friends and family, but -- we feel the dramatic decrease in response time could well be worth it.

(Cut to Doofenshmirtz)
Doofenshmirtz: What is he doing up there, just flying around in circles, uhh. It gives me the creeps! Well, it worked out in my favor anyway because, turn, close latch, I'm finally ready to begin my scheme!
(Perry knocks Doofenshmirtz to the ground, but flies into a birdcage)
Doofenshmirtz: Ha! You want to be a bird? Is that what you want? Well, this is what we do with birds, we put them in a cage. Can you speak, little birdy? Hello? Say, "Hello, Perry want a cracker." (Perry bites his finger) Ow! Bad bird! That would not have happened to me if I was smarter, which brings me to my new inator. The Duplicator-inator 2! You know what they say about two heads are better than one, right? Well, I will duplicate my head, and become twice as smart! And look, I even did some recycling by using my old microwave oven. (opens door) Baked potato? Eh, maybe later. (closes door) All my life I've been a zero, but when I have two heads, I'm gonna be twice that! You'll see!
(Perry chatters)

(Cut to backyard, everyone is working on the Perrytronic)
Phineas: Too steely-eyed, Isabella! Less focus!
Isabella: Whoops! (separates the eyes) How's this?
Phineas: Perfect!
Buford: (oiling the feet) Sure, you get the fun part. If I wanted to oil feet, I could've stayed at home.
Baljeet: (peeks out of the belly) When we are done with this, what will it do?
Phineas: Unlike a real platypus, which doesn't do much, the Perrytronic 3000's capabilities will be limitless!

(Candace is watching them through her bedroom window)
Candace: KEEP IT UP! DON'T STOP, BUSY BEES! YOU'RE BUSY, BUSY, BEES!
Stacy: What are you doing?
Candace: WORK! WORK! WORK! WORK!
Stacy: All right, I'm out of here. You lost it. (starts to leave)
Candace: No, wait! (brings Stacy back) Okay? There is a madness to my method.
Stacy: You've got three seconds.
Candace: Everything Phineas and Ferb build -- disappears when they're finished. So if I can keep them from finishing the thing they're building, it will never disappear! I call it Busy Bee Busting. B. B. Busting, for short.
Stacy: You know what? I'll see you, La-La-Later. (leaves)

(back to Doofenshmirtz)
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, let's try this. (fires the inator at his head and laughs) At last, I am --
(The Doofenshmirtz head falls to the ground and screams)
Doofenshmirtz head: Don't just stand there, pick me up!
(Doofenshmirtz picks the head up)
Both: Well, hello, handsome!

(Back to the backyard)
Phineas: Looks like we're done!
Candace: What? No! What are you talking about, "done"?
Phineas: Well, the tail glaze is almost cool, so we just figured we'd test her out and then close the book on this one.
Candace: Test, yes. Close book, no!
Phineas: Okay, I guess we could consider this a sort of preliminary test before the real test.
Candace: Sh'ya! Now preliminary test his heap, and back to work. And what is this thing, anyway?
(The Perrytronic starts up)
Phineas: Don't worry! The theme song will explain everything!
Candace: Theme song?
(The Perrytronic takes off and Candace runs away screaming. The background becomes sepia-toned as the Perrytronic flies.)

(Song: Perrytronic)
Tronic!
He's a mutant robot from a kid's backyard
Perrytronic!
His parts are shiny and his metal is hard
Perrytronic!

He can assume any form
Hang on, I'm gonna backpedal
There's one caveat, It must be big and metal
Perrytro-o-o-o-o-onic!

He can't be kitten or a little block of wood
Perrytronic!
Not sure if he wanted to even if he could
Perrytronic!

So let me recap so that this is all settled
He can transform into anything that's big and metal
Perrytro-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-onic!

(The Perrytronic returns to the backyard and the background colors return to normal)
Phineas: It tested perfect! Looks like we're are done!
Candace: Oh, no, you're not! Can it bake a pie? Can it train a seal? Can it give change?
Phineas: Wow. She's right, guys. We're not nearly done!
Candace: All right, you busy bees, you're back on the clock! (whispering) B. B. Busting. (normal, on phone) Hello, Mom?
(Linda is at the Super Food Stuff Mart)
Linda: Yes, Candace? I just checked out, I'm on my way home, now! (doesn't notice her purse left on the counter)

(At D.E.I.)
Doofenshmirtz: I don't understand, I really thought two heads were better than one, you know, for the thinking. But I can't think of anything!
Both: Maybe we need a break. We keep doing that! I know, it's so funny! Ahhh! we did it again! And again!
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, knock it off. Let's play with our inator for a while!
(A ray from the inator hits a table with vase, cloning it)
Doofenshmirtz head: (chuckles) Now, this is fun!
Doofenshmirtz: I know, right? (laughs)
(a desk chair and shower head are cloned)
Doofenshmirtz head: Look! Two more heads. Ha ha! Look at Perry and his little arms, aren't they adorable?
Doofenshmirtz: You're right, let's make more.
(they laugh while cloning Perry's arms, making another)
Doofenshmirtz head: Oh, look! A little arm that can move around on its own, (the arm frees Perry) It's got its own volition. I did not expect that. Wait, you dummkopf! Look what you've done! (the arm attacks him)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, who's the Dummkopf now, Dummkopf?
Doofenshmirtz head: Hit him! Hit him!
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, good idea! (repeatedly fires the ray at Perry, cloning his arms)
Doofenshmirtz head: Not with the ray, you nincompoop! Oh, point that somewhere else!
Doofenshmirtz: (turns the inator around) Like this? (repeatedly fires ray) How is this helping? I don't understand your logic.

(Back to the backyard, one of the rays misses the Perrytronic)
Candace: Mom? Where are you now?
(switch to Linda)
Linda: I just pulled up the driveway.
(back to Candace)
Candace: You guys are still working, right?
Phineas: Just taking a break before we install the chicken incubator.
Candace: Mom, look in the backyard, now!
(switch to Linda)
Linda: Hang on, let me put the groceries away.
(back to Candace)
Candace: Ee-ee-ee-ee... (at the kids) Don't. Stop. Working.

(Candace runs to the kitchen, Linda is not there)
Mom!...Mom, you're not in the kitchen?
(switch to Linda)
Linda: No, I'm just shutting the front door!
(back to Candace)
Candace: I need you in the kitchen. Mom?
(switch to Linda)
Linda: In the bathroom, putting away soap!
(back to Candace)
Candace: How did I just miss you? Mom? (to Phineas and Ferb) Work, work, work! (to Linda, knocking on door) Mom, come out of the bathroom, quick!
(switch to Linda)
Linda: Nope, I'm in your room! You said you needed tissues.
(back to Candace)
Candace: But how did you -- okay, I'm on my way. (goes upstairs, sees the kids) Put that lemonade down! You're not done yet!

(In Candace's room)
What the -- Mom, you're not in my room!
(switch to Linda)
Linda: I'm back in the kitchen.
(back to Candace)
Candace: (watching the kids) Okay. Listen very carefully. Look. Out. The window.
Linda: (from the phone) Oh, my goodness!
Candace: Ee-ee-ee-ee...yeah? Yeah?
(switch to Linda)
Linda: We really need to paint that fence!
(back to Candace)
Candace: ...What? That's all you have to say?!
Linda: (from the phone) Hang on, Candace. My other line is ringing!
Candace: How could she not notice that?
Linda: (from the phone) Candace, that was the supermarket. I left my pocketbook there. I'm gonna run over and pick it up.
Candace: Mom, no! (runs out, but is too late) Mom! Oh, no, I'm too...too...two houses?!?
(reveals a duplicate of the Flynn-Fletcher House)
Okay, I did not see that coming. Phineas and Ferb, this has to be their work.

(Switch back to D.E.I. Perry motions to his arms to attack Doofenshmirtz)
Doofenshmirtz: Uh...distract them for me!
Doofenshmirtz head: Yeah, I'll give them a licking they'll never forget!
Doofenshmirtz: Good one!
Doofenshmirtz head: Thanks! (a few of the arms tickle him, he laughs) That tickles! Quit it! (grunts)
Doofenshmirtz: (runs up to the inator but the arms pull him back) Noooooooo! Oh, you guys are so annoying. You're kinda cute, though. (two of the arms punch him) Get off!
(Perry gestures to two of his now-cloned tails to attack Doofenshmirtz)
Tails? What are they gonna do, wag me into submission? Well, you're too late, Perry the Platypus!
(Doofenshmirtz zaps his head with the inator, cloning six more Doofenshmirtz heads)
Heads, I win, tails, you lose!
Doofenshmirtz head 2: Really? That's the best you got?
Doofenshmirtz head 6: Kinda obvious.
Doofenshmirtz head 7: Juvenile.
Doofenshmirtz head 4: I liked it.
Doofenshmirtz heads 2, 3, 5, 6 and 7: You would!
Doofenshmirtz: You know, you guys are kind of annoying, too. GET HIM! (tosses heads at Perry)
(The heads yell as they fly, but Perry's heads and tails charge at them)
Doofenshmirtz head 2: You guys get phantom pains? I got a heck of one in my elbow right now.
(The arms and tails attack the heads, two heads grab Perry)
Doofenshmirtz: Ha ha!
(Perry whistles, one of the arms bounces off his tail to press the self destruct button on the inator)
(gasps) NOOOOO!
(The arm disappears)
What? It just -- vanished? What's wrong with this thing? (looks at the microwave timer, it says "3:00") Oh, the microwave was on the "baked potato" setting, so I guess everything is just gonna last for three minutes. My bad!

(Back to the Flynn-Fletcher house, Linda arrives)
Candace: Mom, Mom! Mom, get ready to have your eyes opened wide!
Linda: Just a sec, hon.
Candace: (turns around and gestures toward second house with eyes closed) Look!
(The second house disappears, Candace's eyes open wide as mentioned)
Candace: But...but but but but but...
Linda: Oh, when are they ever going to build something in that empty lot? (leaves)
Candace: Wait! I don't have to "but, but, but". I have the Perrytronic 3000! (runs off) Mom?!

(Back with Doofenshmirtz, fighting with two of Perry's arms)
Doofenshmirtz: (grunts) Ooh, I hate you, you little green -- (the arms punch him and disappear, he punches himself) Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. I don't have to do this anymore. (at Perry) Well, we still have you surrounded, Perry the Platypus.
Doofenshmirtz head 2: Hey, that disappearing thing's not gonna happen to us, is it?
(Doofenshmirtz heads 2, 3, 4, 6 and 7 disappear)
Doofenshmirtz head 5: Yeah, a microwave timer. Great idea. (disappears)
Doofenshmirtz: Yeah, that's unfortunate.
Doofenshmirtz head: You're telling me?

(Back at the Flynn-Fletcher house, Linda is making the "spaghetti-meatball")
Linda: "Step 4: Insert spaghetti into meat".
Candace: (barges in from backyard) Mom, Mom, Mom! This time it's for keeps. Turn around, and look in the yard.
Linda: But I have to inject the cheese. Just let me finish.
Candace: No, I can't let you finish! They might be finished!
Linda: OH! I'll just order a pizza! All right, Candace, let's see what you've got...

(With Perry, he grabs a golf club)
Doofenshmirtz head: Not the golf clubs, NOT THE GOLF CLUBS! (screams) SAVE ME!
Doofenshmirtz: There's a pun here, I know it.
Doofenshmirtz head: (continues screaming)
(Perry jumps over the Doofenshmirtz head)
Doofenshmirtz: He looks teed off! That's what it was! (turns around) Huh?
(Perry begins smashing the inator)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, no! My inator!
Doofenshmirtz head: We've got to do something.
Doofenshmirtz: You're right. (throws the head) Go get him.
(the head bounces off the inator and Perry fires it, the head bounces across the ground)
Doofenshmirtz head: Ouch! Ouch! Ow! Ow! Oh! Why couldn't I have disappeared before I hit the ground? Curse -- (disappears)
Doofenshmirtz: What? Now, I'll never know what he was going to say! (the inator explodes, Perry flies away) Oh, yeah, yeah, that.

(Back at the Flynn-Fletcher house)
Candace: Ee-ee-ee-ee...
(the final ray from the inator hits the Perrytronic, cloning it. The second Perrytronic hits the ground, causing them to flip in circles out of the backyard and down the street. Linda brings Candace out)
(with her eyes closed) Say hello to Perry --
(We hear chatter as Candace opens her eyes and looks on deadpanned. Her perspective, the real Perry is in front of the kids)
Linda: Hello, Perry. (to Candace) Okay, that was a nice change of pace. (to the kids) Who wants pizza?
Phineas/Buford/Isabella: Me!
Baljeet: I do!
Linda: Then, maybe ice cream sandwiches, ice cream cut in the shape of a sandwich.
Ferb: Just pie for me, please.
Candace: Okay, now I have to "but, but, but".

End Credits

(standalone broadcasts only)
(Song: Perrytronic)
Tronic!

He can assume any form
Hang on, I'm gonna backpedal
There's one caveat, It must be big and metal
Perrytro-o-o-o-o-onic!

He can't be kitten or a little block of wood
Perrytronic!
Not sure if he wanted to even if he could
Perrytronic!

So let me recap so that this is all settled
He can transform into anything that's big and metal
Perrytro-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-onic!

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