Act I

Buford: Hey, what's shakin', bacon?

Baljeet: You do realize that bacon does not shake.
Buford: Sir Francis Bacon?

Baljeet: I stand corrected.
Phineas: Remember how much fun it was to bounce around the world on a rubber ball?

Baljeet: If not a bit nauseating.

Buford: That was the fun part!
(The bubbles in Major Monogram's hot tub stop)

Major Monogram: Carl!
Carl: (exhales) I'm a little lightheaded, sir. Can I take a break?

Major Monogram: What am I not paying you for?!

Act II

Stacy: I'm trying to hook up this super-high-def-intelligent-multi-format-entertainment-DVR system. I wanna keep the DVD and the VCR but I don't think there are enough holes. I mean, there's also a pretty serious clicker situation.
Vanessa: Oh, hey, Candace.
Candace: So, uh, doin' some shoppin'? I mean, duh! Of course, you're shopping. You've got the items in the little basket thingy. You placed them in there with the intent to— Stop, Candace.
Doofenshmirtz: My brother, Roger is dedicating a new Danville water tower right below my ledge! Once he's hit by a beam from this baby, he'll become so abominable, so disgusting, so hideous, so noxious, so grotesque, (cut to reveal Doof reading from a thesaurus) so ghastly...
Norm: Your pie, sir.

Doofenshmirtz: Thank you, Norm. Owwww!! Ow! This is hot!
Norm: Oops. Sorry, sir.
Doofenshmirtz: Did that just come right out of the oven?
Norm: (offscreen) Well, my hands are metal.

Doofenshmirtz: Well, now, mine are bacon, apparently. (shakes his hands) Look, I'm shakin' bacon! You like that? It's a callback to something I didn't even hear! In your face, logic!
Gretchen: (to Adyson) Isabella said she'd be here, so she'll be here.

(Isabella bounces up to the window and taps on it.)
Holly: I bet you all the muffins that wherever she is, it has somethin' to do with Phineas.
Isabella: Girls! (taps again)
(Gretchen gets off the couch and opens the window.)
Isabella: Hi, Gretch!
Gretchen: Where've you been?
Isabella: I was over at Phineas' house and was rubberized by a machine they built.

Gretchen: Holly gets the muffins!
Birgitte: Did you download the new Young Apparatus album?

Lacie: No way. They're sellouts. I'm only listening to Coffin Shadows now. They're so independent, they pay you to download their songs.
Candace: Hmm. Coffin Shadows? I've never heard of them.
Lacie: New skirt?
Birgitte: Yeah, I turned it inside out, ripped it in half and then sewed it back together.

Lacie: Get your brother to drive over it a few times. It really weathers it.
Stacy: Candace, I am so proud of myself! I think I totally hooked this thing up! It's incredible! It has picture-in-picture-in-picture! I'll be able to watch a show and then another show and then another show inside that show and then the first show again inside that one! And I managed to get it down to one clicker! I'm about to give it a whirl! (She points and clicks, but it turns off and on the TV of a neighbor's house behind her.) Hmm. (The neighbor behind her gets up and sees his TV turn on and off again in frustration.) Okay. Maybe there's still a bug or two to fix.
Doofenshmirtz: Uh, not to be high-maintenance or anything, but d-do you mind we could fight a little quieter? Uh, the girls are watching a movie and I don't wanna dis— I didn't mean you to walk away. (Perry comes back with pillows.) I mean we could continue to fight. It's just they're so— (Perry whacks him with a pillow) A pillow fight! Perfect! It's violent and quiet! It is on!
Doofenshmirtz: Talk about "down in the mouth". Get it? It's, uh... Ah, whatever. Meet my friends, (holds up couch cushions) Poly and Ester!
Doofenshmirtz: Run! It's gonna blow!

(Perry runs away but gets trapped inside a cage, which gets covered by an anvil and a box of bowling balls.)
Doofenshmirtz: Ha! Trapped ya! You'll fall for anything, Perry the Platypus! (mockingly) "It's gonna blow!" (normal voice) As if, as if I would know ahead of time when something's going to—

Doofenshmirtz: That was purely coincidental.
Doofenshmirtz: I get it. Repulsive. I see. That's just the universe making a joke at my expense.
(repeated line)
Doof-zombies: Lots of me.


Phineas: What's everybody running from?

Baljeet: Uh, perhaps that?
(Whip pan right to reveal Irving alone filming something.)
Phineas: (offscreen) Irving?
Irving: Hi, guys!
Baljeet: (offscreen) No, that! Over there!

(Whip pan left to reveal dozens of Doof zombies stalking rampant and transforming everyone they bump into.)
Buford: Well, that sure wiggles my biscuits.
Buford: What was that?!

Phineas: It's...some kind of pharmacist! And if he touches you, you turn into a pharmacist, too!

Buford: I can't be a pharmacist! I know nothing about pharmaceuticals!
Gordon Gutsofanemu: Good evening, I'm Gordon Gutsofanemu with a special report. The Tri-State Area is in chaos tonight as thousands of repulsive mindless pharmacists run rampant all over Danville!
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, there they go with the whole "pharmacist" thing again! I-I should become one, that-that would show 'em! I should become a pharmacist!

Don Adaded: Thanks, Gordon. I'm standing here in Downtown Danville. It's an unbelievable scene. Pharmacists touching people who turn into pharmacists. (moves to the left and sees a Doof-zombie) Ah, here's one of them now. Mister Repulsive Mindless Pharmacist, care to comment?
Doof-Zombie: Lots of me. (touches reporter)
Don Adaded: And there you have it folks, I'm-- (turns into a Doof-Zombie)
Doof-Zombie: Lots of me!
(scene returns to studio)
Gordon Gutsofanemu: (scared) Thanks, Don... L-Let's go to the weather.
Doof zombie (Weatherman): Lots of me...let's go to traffic...
(Cut to the chopper.)
Doof zombie (pilot): Lots of me...
Doof zombie (co-pilot): Back to you, Gordon...

Doof zombie (Gordon Gutsofanemu): Lots of me...
Doofenshmirtz: I don't believe it! An entire army of mes!
Doofenshmirtz: No longer will I be made fun of by small children and their silly jokes that mock me! Like, "Knock knock!" "Who's there?" "Doofus in a lab coat!" "Doofus in a lab coat who?" And then they hold up a mirror. That-That's not even a punchline! It's just—Uh, nevermind.
Phineas: Okay. We gotta get started on another rubberization ray.

Buford: (runs and screams like a chicken with its head cut off)

Phineas: Right after we calm down Buford.
Stacy: And so begins The Grievance movie marathon. Special edition box set. Oh, yeah. "Hey, Stacy, didja hook up that whole system by yourself?" "Yeah, no biggie. Do it all the time." Heh heh. I rule.
Candace: So this is a French film subtitled in Spanish. Why is that lady wearing a goat head?
Birgitte: Art isn't art unless it's difficult.
Lacie: We're doomed!

Candace: What's the big deal? I see weird stuff like this all the time.
Birgitte: I want my mommy!
Lacie: Life's gonna end and I'm wearing a fake tattoo!

Heather(?): Someone's gotta help us! I mean, we're in danger!
Candace: Mom? Mom, I want you to check and see if the boys are creating zombies!
Linda: Oh, I love it when teenagers get together and do party pranks! Do you win the game if I actually do what you say?
Candace: Something tells me I shoulda just hung out at Stacy's.
Phineas: Isabella? I...I thought she was... Didn't anyone... Who saw her last? (He freaks out just like Buford.)
Buford: "Buford, chill out. You're fine." I'm vindicated.
Man 4: I've got to know what's going on!

Martin the News Vendor: Yeah! Print is back, baby!
Man 4: Wait, this is all stuff that happened yesterday! (runs and screams)
(A Doof zombie touches Martin.)

Doof zombie (Martin the News Vendor): Lots of me, baby...

Act IV

Doofenshmirtz: Anyway, welcome to my Startle Space. I wanted a panic room, but it was just prohibitively expensive.
Doofenshmirtz: Those other mes, they're really workin' my last nerve. "Lots of me... Lots of me..." One of me is fine, but, ih, I can really be annoying en masse. I'll admit it.
Doofenshmirtz: Vanessa! Oh no! She's still in the building! We need to stop those mes before they get to her or, or she could turn into me! That's every child's worst nightmare! Well, (Stammers) not me, specifically, other children are afraid of turning into me. It's just that I'm saying turning into your parent. That's what's scary.
Shaun: Don't touch me! I don't want to be a pharmac—! Wait a second... That doesn't even make sense. You get touched by a pharmacist, you become a pharmacist? I mean, you can't just grow a lab coat.

Ed: I don't know, perhaps the disease infects your clothin' as well.
Shaun: Infects my c— Are you insinuating that my clothes are alive? That's scarier than these pharmacists saying... (gets touched and transforms)
Doof-Zombie (Shaun): Lots of me...
Ed: I s'pose I didn't really think that through. (gets touched and transforms)

Doof-Zombie (Ed): Lots of me...
Major Monogram: Agent P! (static) Agent P! Do not come— (static) —headquarters! It is— (static) —life-or-Doof situation! (static) O.W.C.A. has fallen! I repeat, O.W.C.A. has— (Crash!) (static) Agent P, we need you to find the source of the contagion and protect those who haven't been infected. You're our last hope.

Carl: You're the Omega Platypus! But no pressure! Oh!
Major Monogram: (transforming) Good luck, Agent P. Good—
Doof zombie (Major Monogram): Lots of me... Lots of me...

Doof zombie (Carl): Lots of me... I used to be Carl...
Doofenshmirtz: Y'know, I'm really getting sick of the sound of my own voice. Now I understand where Charlene was coming from.
Doof zombies: (throwing Doofenshmirtz out of the building) Less of me... Less of me... Less of me...
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, typical. Typical. Yeah, turn on your creator. You guys are all cliché, I'm just letting you know!

Act V

Vanessa: Okay, guys, we gotta figure out a plan.

Birgitte: We should totally split up!
Lacie: I'm gonna go hide in the bathroom where it's safe.
Dana(?): I know. I'll run off to check an obscure noise in the kitchen!
Heather(?): I'm gonna slowly walk backwards into a dimly lit room.

Candace: Really? See, if they watch more domestic horror films, they'd know...
Dana(?): Oh, I knew we shouldn't have split up!
Buford: It doesn't matter anyway! Sooner or later, they're gonna figure out we're in here and then they're gonna come in here! They're gonna come in here and they're gonna come in here and they're gonna come in here and they're gonna—

Gretchen: (slaps Buford) Lock it down, solider! No one is gonna get in here, ya hear me?!

Buford: I am so in love with her right now.
(After Triangulation)
Baljeet: That is a mighty upbeat song for a desperate situation.
Phineas: Y'know, it might be a good idea to board that window.
Katie: Oh! So that's why there was so much wood left over.
Buford: Not a pharmacist in sight. Now's as good a time as any to rush in blindly, don't you think?

Act VI

Phineas: Quick! Find something to block this door!
Buford: It ain't gonna be easy without runinin' the feng shui of the lobby.
Buford: (takes off his clown mask) That's it!

Phineas: Buford, what are you doing?
Buford: Look, I just lost my nerd! I'm not gonna lose the rest of my friends, too! (takes off his rubber duckies)
Phineas: But, Buford, that's—
Buford: (stripping down to his underdrawers) Come on, you freaks! Fresh meat! (screams) Yippee-ki-yay, you pharmacist freaks! Yippee-ki—
(He gets touched and transforms outside.)
Buford: (offscreen) Lots of...
Doof zombie (Buford):
Phineas: Y'know, he really could've been bait without taking his clothes off.

Isabella: Uh, yeah.
Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus, need a ride? (a rope ladder drops down from the chopper) Oh, oh, oh, wait, I should've said, "Need a lift?" That's what— I totally missed it.
Phineas: Candace?

Candace: Phineas!
Isabella: Candace!
Candace: Isabella?
Vanessa: Ferb!
Ferb: (no comment)
Phineas: Candace!
Candace: Phineas!
Isabella: Candace!
Candace: Isabella?
Vanessa: Ferb!
Ferb: (no comment)
Phineas: Candace!
Candace: Phineas!

Isabella: Enough! We have to get upstairs!
Candace: What's with the rubber?

Phineas: It insulates against the infection.

Candace: I don't even wanna know how you figured that one out.
Stacy: No! Don't walk into the kitchen, Grievance lady! Ohhh! Gosh! How could she be so oblivious?
Candace: (panting) This is enough last me a lifetime.
Doofenshmirtz: (coughs) Oh, I sure hope the poor slob who lives here has insurance. That would be... (He looks around to see he is "the poor slob who lives here".) Oh, crud.
Vanessa: Okay, so what did you do?

Doofenshmirtz: Well, it was just a simple Repulse-inator, y'know to, to make Roger ugly, but then, there was some sort of power surge and this happened!
Phineas: (tinkering with the inator) Well, that explains the electromagnetic charge that's changing everybody. But we need some kind of conductor that neutralizes it.
Isabella: Well, water neutralizes static.
Phineas: Yes! Water should change everyone back!
Vanessa: Um, isn't that a bit of a leap?

Doofenshmirtz: No, I'm a scientist. I'm gonna go with 'im on that.
Isabella: We can wait 'til it rains.
Candace: Oh! We don't have time! And when does it ever rain here?
Doofenshmirtz: (doing a karate yell and wearing rubber gloves on his arms and head)

Vanessa: Dad, why are you wearing that? Aren't you immune?

Doofenshmirtz: Well, everyone else was dressing up.
Phineas: That's it! Everything's built! Let's go over the plan. (They take out scale models.) One: Ferb shoots the grappling hook, which attaches to the service platform of the water tower. Two: We send the vortex sprayer up the line. Three: We all ride up in the basket lift. Four: Once we reach the tower, I'll climb into the top of the tank...

Candace: Talk faster!
Phineas: ...and open the hatch. Five: Isabella will attach the connecting claw to the open hatch, which will move the vortex sprayer into place.
Vanessa: (offscreen) Phineas, we can't hold them much longer!
Phineas: Whoever makes it to the vortex sprayer first presses that button to activate it! (Breathes) Alright, any questions?
Candace: Yeah, was it worth the time it took to build a scale model?
Phineas: Totally. Anyone else? Yeah, you in the back?

Doof zombie: Lots of me...
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, man, what I wouldn't give for that single-minded focus. Hey, what's that over there?
Perry: (After his paw was touched by a Doof-Zombie.) Lots... of... Me.
Doofenshmirtz: (takes off his gloves) That's it! That's it! That's it! (takes off his lab coat and shirt) I've had enough of you mes! (Doof is now in his underdrawers.) Alright, you freaks! Fresh meat! Yippee-ki-yay, you pharmacist freaks! Yippee-ki-yay!

Phineas: Again with the clothes.
Isabella: I know. What's that all about?

Doofenshmirtz: (offscreen) This is yet another callback to something I didn't hear!
Isabella: Phineas! Aaah!

Phineas: Hang in there, Isabella! We're almost there!
Isabella: It's just...If this is the end, there's something I have to tell you!
Phineas: Okay, shoot.
Isabella: For the longest time...
Phineas: C'mon! There it is!
Isabella: But, Phineas, Phineas... I LIKE YOU!!
Phineas: I like you, too, Isabella!
Isabella: No! I mean I like-you like you!

Phineas: Wow. I mean, gosh. I...I...I've always felt...
Isabella: Get it together, Fireside Girl! It's up to you to save Phineas! (climbs up the tower) It's up to you to save Danville! It's up to you to stop talking to yourself!
Roger: Is the ceremony over?
Major Monogram: Carl, why are we holding our arms like this?
(After getting doused with water, Baljeet is seen giving Buford a wedgie.)
Buford: I dunno what happened here and I'm pretty sure I don't want to.
Shaun: I still say this makes no sense at all.
Ed: I know, right?
Vanessa: (to Candace) It was good hanging with you. We should do it again sometime. Preferably without the threat of a zombie apocalypse.
Doofenshmirtz: I'm not makin' any promises.
Phineas: Isabella. Are you okay?

Isabella: Yeah. Just a little foggy.
Phineas: What happened?
Isabella: I remember building the vortex sprayer, but after that, I've got no clue.

Phineas: Me neither. But whatever happened, it worked!
Stacy: Pfft! Horror movies. Scary, but so unbelievable.

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