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Buford: (offscreen) You got my candy?
Baljeet: (offscreen) Yes, Buford.
Buford: (offscreen) My licorice?
Baljeet: (offscreen) Of course, Buford.
Buford: (offscreen) Big Bully Belly Tub o' Popcorn with extra-real faux-butter flavoring?
(Baljeet and Buford enter the theater.)
Baljeet: Yes, a thousand times yes! Are we here to see a movie or eat ourselves to death?
Buford: Can't we do both?
Baljeet: Eating oneself to death is not good for your health.
(The episode begins.)
Buford: Take the long way.
(Phineas pops out of the mailbox on screen.)
Baljeet: AAAAAAHHHH!!! I am sorry. Phineas popping out of that mailbox like that scared me.
Buford: Oh, pipe down or I'll give you somethin' to scream about!
Mail Lady: (on screen) I almost forgot. Your mom's Penny Shopper.
(Wah-wah music plays.)
Buford: Whoa! What's with the lame sitcom music?!
Baljeet: I know! ♪ Wah wah ♪
Buford: I am so disappointed.
Baljeet: ♪ Wah wah ♪
Buford: (referring to Phineas) Boy, Pointy's really eager, isn't he?
Phineas: (on screen) Finally, the world-famous X-Ray vision glasses! This is gonna be great!
Baljeet: Doubtful. ♪ Wah wah ♪
Phineas: (on screen) We got totally ripped off. Ferb, let me see that comic again.
Buford: And I don't even wanna know where Ferb was storin' that comic book.
Baljeet: Wait a minute, on the left, on the bottom. Is someone really trying to sell a fake tape recorder? Like people think you are recording them but you are not? How is that fun? I mean... (Ferb buffs up on screen.) AAAAAAHHHH!!! That was disturbing.
Buford: You said it, brutha!
Phineas: (on screen) Ferb, that's it! I know what we're gonna do today!
Candace: (on screen) Oh, my gosh! Aren't you the cutest thing ever!
Baljeet: I bet she says that to all the bunnies.
Buford: People think rabbits' feet are so lucky. They're not so lucky for the rabbit.
Phineas: (on screen) Hey, where's Perry?
Baljeet: Wait, what is going on?
Major Monogram: (on screen) ...but we have a more serious problem.
Baljeet: That looks like Perry the Platypus, but he is acting like a secret agent.
Buford: I buy this completely. You didn't know this, but my family are anthropomorphosists.
Baljeet: No child is going to get that reference.
Buford: Ask me if I care.
Baljeet: And besides, I thought your family was anti-Tri-State-Area-ists.
Buford: Can't we do both? What's with this guy and the one eyebrow?
Baljeet: It is called a monobrow.
Buford: It's called an eyesore in my book. I can't tell ya how many times I sat on that same chimney watchin' people with binoculars.
Baljeet: How many times?
Buford: I can't tell ya.
Baljeet: Wait. Why were we not invited to this?
Buford: Apparently, we're not as close as we thought.
Baljeet: (scoffs) These two are officially off my holiday card list.
Phineas: (on screen) We've got the frames and the polycarbonate lens solution.
Buford: You know, I gotta confession to make. I never really understand what Phineas is sayin'.
Baljeet: (sarcastically) There is a surprise.
Buford: Hey, how did that guy fit inside that tiny watch? I'm just kiddin'. I know they shrunk him or somethin'.
Baljeet: Ooh, look at all the bunny characters. I would watch this show.
Buford: Rabbit Team One: Puttin' the paws on crime! Fridays at 10/9 central.
Candace: (on screen) I'm gonna name you Mr. Cutie Patootie.
Buford: Mr. Cutie Patootie? That was my stage name!
Candace: (on screen) You stay put while I find you a new stylish outfit. Let's see what we've got here.
Baljeet: Oh, so that is where I left my scepter!
Buford: Wait, since when can rabbits read blueprints?
Baljeet: It is called "suspensions of disbelief ". You go with it because it is a movie.
Buford: You go with it. I ain't suspendin' nothin'.
Candace: (on screen) Mr. Cutie Patootie, I finally found— (to Perry) Get away from him! I don't want your blandness to rub off.
Buford: Hey, you ever been in Candace's room?
Baljeet: Hmmm. Once or twice I suppose.
Buford: No, I mean really been in it. Really soaked it up. The pink really starts to grow on you.
Baljeet: Okay, now you are officially freaking me out.
Buford: Man, I wish I was that rabbit right now. Did I just say that out loud? Never mind.
Baljeet: I am just going to let that one go.
(Doofenshmirtz is on screen.)
Buford: Who's this guy? Oh, is this gonna have adults in it? Don't they know kids hate watchin' adults?!
Baljeet: And why would anybody make a show about a pharmacist?
Buford: Nobody said I was gonna have to read anything! If they gonna put words on the screen, they should have subtitles for people who don't wanna read it!
Baljeet: Oh, I know who this guy is. Dr. Exposition. Just keep talking. We never get tired of hearing you go on and on and on.
Buford: You know, Baljeet, people say you're just a two-dimensional nerd stereotype.
Baljeet: Who says that?
Buford: But you've got some edge. You're not just nerdy, you're also a little bit of a jerk.
Baljeet: Coming from you, I will take that as a compliment.
Buford: As it was intended. Hey, losers! You wanna close the fridge door already?
Baljeet: (singsongy) A lot of energy is getting wasted!
Buford: This is exactly why we ain't got no ozone. Cuz of people like that!
Phineas: (on screen) Uh, is it not a rabbit?
Candace: (on screen) This is an actual living creature that uses carrots for food instead of science experiments.
Ferb: (on screen) So why is he wearing a tutu?
Buford: Tutu? Really? To me, it looks more like an uncorseted tea gown with a flounced petticoat. But I'm no expert.
Candace: (on screen) Okay, let's start with the simple tricks. Sit.
Buford: Sit, Baljeet.
Baljeet: I am sitting.
Candace: (on screen) Roll over.
Buford: Roll over.
Baljeet: Oh, I see what you are doing. Very funny. I am the animal in this scenario. I get it.
Buford: I'm still waitin' for ya to roll over.
Candace: (on screen) Great! Wow, you must have really liked carrots.
(Dennis looks in the couches.)
Buford: Now he's lookin' for spare change. Y'know, that's where I find most of my money.
Baljeet: Under your couch cushions?
Buford: No, under Phineas and Ferb's couch cushions.
Linda: (on screen) What the? Oh, a bunny rabbit. Candace must have gotten a new pet.
Baljeet: Okay, hold it one minute. When has a mom ever been so happy to have a new pet in the house? Seriously?
Buford: Especially one that fights with lamps?
Baljeet: Why do they have a dog door? They do not even have a dog.
Buford: Watchin' that plant swing back and forth is makin' me very sleepy. (he starts to lie down in his chair) Very sleepy.
Baljeet: It is making me nauseous.
Doofenshmirtz: (on screen) Ever since those condos next door started allowing pets, it's been driving me bonkers! All day and all night with the barking, barking, barking!
Buford: (sitting up) Seriously, does he ever stop talkin'? Put a sock in it, old man!
Baljeet: Oh, he literally cannot stop talking! It makes me want to gouge out my ears!
Buford: Okay, this guy has way too much free time on his hands.
Baljeet: Have we commented on the fact that the pharmacist is talking to a plant? The whole time, to a plant? How is that normal?
Buford: More importantly, how is it entertaining? I'm bored!
Baljeet: Ugh! It is always about you!
Buford: That's right. Which reminds me, I'm out of soda.
Baljeet: Oh, and I suppose you expect me to go refill it for you?
Buford: You expect right. Chop-chop!
Baljeet: (gets out of his seat, scoffs) I always have to get your soda. Now I'm going to miss the best part of the movie.
Doofenshmirtz: (on screen) How did you do that? Ow, ow! Alright, come out in the open where I can— Ow!
Buford: Oh, back to these clowns?! I mean, seriously, why wasn't I invited? (Isabella appears on screen) Oh! Oh, sure! Isabella's invited, but not their good buddy Buford?! (Baljeet returns to his seat) I see how this is going.
Baljeet: Here is your so— (notices Isabella on screen) Wait! What is she doing there?
Buford: Exactly! (mocking Isabella) Whatcha doin'... (normal voice) without us?!
Baljeet: (grunts) This is going too far! Her and her Fireside— Ooh! Is that a Little Betty Cook-in-it Oven? I always wanted one of those! What? I am a very good chef.
Isabella: (on screen) Mom, what's wrong?
Baljeet: Look! It's Isabella's house! Have you ever been in there?
Buford: I didn't even know she had a house. How long have we known her and she's never invited us over?
Baljeet: It is a day of slights and insults.
Phineas: (on screen) I found it!
Baljeet: Oh, that is a good look for him.
Buford: Yeah. It makes his head look even more triangular than usual. Which is pretty hard.
Phineas: (on screen) Quick, Ferb, we need a 14-inch pipe wrench, a blowtorch, and a jar of mayonnaise.
Vivian: (on screen) ...but I think I'll call my regular plumber. He's bonded.
Phineas: (on screen) Okay, suit yourself.
Isabella: (on screen) The glasses worked great.
Phineas: (on screen) This is gonna be fun!
(the song begins)
Buford: Hey, no, wait! That's impossible!
Baljeet: X-Ray vision has nothing to do with decapitation! You know, just overall, this show seems to play fast and loose with reality.
Dan Povenmire: (on screen) ♪ And your vascular system's effective ♪
Buford: Oh, man! That's right! I remember that stomachache! That's why I wasn't with Phineas and Ferb.
Baljeet: Okay, but what about me? Look! They're going to the circus without me! And some sort of bouncy ball pit without me! I did not have a stomachache! I was not incapacitated! I was—
Buford: Okay, shut it! Geez, you're worse than the pharmacist!
Dan Povenmire: (on screen) ♪ But that don't bother me ♪
Buford: What the?! Wai-wai-wai-wait! Go back to the aliens levitatin' the cow! You're really gonna go cereal shoppin' after seein' somethin' like that?!
Baljeet: Watch their left hands. They never move. They are not really playing. This is a farce!
Dan Povenmire: (on screen) ♪ Oh, with my x-ray eyes! ♪
Phineas: (on screen) Looks like our x-ray vision glasses have passed all the quality control tests.
Isabella: (on screen) Good thing, because we're stacking up quite a pile of orders.
Buford: How come Isabella always gets the grunt work? It ain't right.
Baljeet: Oh, so now you are an Isabella fan?
Buford: Well, since I realized I was just sick, and it wasn't that they didn't invite me, I've kinda forgiven them.
Baljeet: Humph. I hope they intend to wash those before they use them to cook. Remind me not to eat at the next Phineas and Ferb barbecue.
Buford: Mmm...barbecue. Did they have any ribs at the snack bar?
Baljeet: No, Buford. Besides, I spent all my money on your bath-sized tub of popcorn. (Beat) You know, for a secret agent, Perry sure gets trapped a lot. Oh, snap! He took his hat!
Buford: Oh, no, he didn't!
Baljeet: Yes, he did. Were you not watching?
Buford: Are you seriously that tragically unhip?
Baljeet: Yes. Yes I am.
Phineas: (on screen) Yes, ma'am, you heard me right. I need three metric tons of your highest grade carrots delivered ASAP.
Buford: Three metric tons of carrots?! That's almost, like, a lot of carrots!
Baljeet: Have you ever wondered how Phineas and Ferb can afford all the stuff they buy? I mean, I get five dollars a week allowance and that is generous.
Buford: I know! It's not like their dad is a CEO or crooked politician, or somebody that pulls down some serious change. He sells antiques, for crying out loud!
Baljeet: I know! Hello? Either those are some really strong dogs or that is one really weak door.
Buford: Ha, very funny.
(Dennis sniffs onscreen.)
Baljeet: Ugh! You know, you cannot see smell! I just want everyone to know that. It is not possible.
Buford: Hey, that lever wasn't there before!
Baljeet: I know! This whole show is highly improbable!
Buford: Hey, did you see that? His pupils were the actual shape and color of a bunch of carrots.
Baljeet: It must be some sort of neurological disorder.
Major Monogram: (on screen) Good work, Agent P!
Candace: (on screen) You don't suppose he could have run away.
Phineas: (on screen) Don't worry. I'm sure he'll turn up. Hey, what happened to all the carrots? One minute, there's a backyard full of carrots, I turn around for half a minute and poof, now they're gone.
Buford: Let me get this straight, he's upset because his backyard is not filled with three tons of vegetable matter?
Baljeet: Yes. You know, it is summer and carrots will rot quickly and could be a biohazard.
Buford: I'm outta here! (He gets up)
Baljeet: You do not stay for the credits?
Buford: Please. Besides, if we leave now, I can still get in three or four wedgies before lunch. (He walks out of the theater.)
Baljeet: (following Buford) Goodbye, mindless escapism. Hello, brutal reality.