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Not Phineas and Ferb/Transcript

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(Open up on Phineas and Ferb's bedroom.)
Phineas: Hey, Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today! We're going to the Space Adventure film festival! It's gonna be awe-soooooommmme!!!
Space Adventure, it's an adventure in space!
We can do better than that.
Space Adventure, it's an adventure in space!

(cut to Candace's room)
Candace: (growls, grunts) (hears Phineas continuing the music)
Phineas: It's an adventure in space!
Candace: (wears headphones that make music)

(cut to Irving's house)
Irving: (from inside) According to my motion sensors, (cuts to him in his room at his computer, banging is heard outside) Phineas and Ferb are awake!
Albert: (bangs down Irving's door) What did you lock your door for, Ir-ving?
Irving: To keep you out, Al-bert!
Albert: Older brothers should have 24-hour access to younger brothers' rooms. It's a good thing I used an old secret military technique I taught myself. (walks over to the computer) Who are those dorks?
Irving: Phineas and Ferb are not dorks; They are the coolest exponents of awesome stupefaction in the universe!
Albert: Yeah. Just because you put it on... (Close up on the computer, it reads "Phineas and Ferb FANSITE") your fansite doesn't mean it's true. (Back to them) And could we talk about all these pictures?
(Camera widens to show pictures covering the walls)
Irving: What? Too obsessive.
Albert: Well, there is that, but I'm just saying your composition stinks. (looks at a picture) I can't even tell what this is a picture of.
Irving: (walks up) A solar-powered flock of mechanical hummingbirds. Phineas and Ferb built them.
Albert: Yeah, right. That's a hoax!
Irving: How dare you! (walks to another picture) I suppose this cold-fusion powered merry-go-round they built was a hoax, too!
Albert: I can tell a fake a mile away, little brother. They call me: "The Truth Detector".
Irving: It's NOT fake!! Phineas and Ferb really build these things! A-A-And I'll prove it to you!
Albert: Well, I have important older-brothery things to do right now. But if you give me the address, I'll meet you there at noon.

(cut to Perry's lair)
Major Monogram: Ah, Agent P. I've instituted a new short-order message technique. Listen carefully. (rings the bell) Doof is up, put a stop, curses on the side. Well, let's go, Agent P. My orders are backing up. Adam and Eve on a raft, rack em'.
Carl: (offscreen) Is that a mission, sir?
Major Monogram: No, it's my lunch.

(cut to Phineas and Ferb's backyard)
Lawrence: (walks up) Hello, boys. Are you ready for your space thrills marathon?
Phineas: Dad, it's called Space Adventure. It's an adventure in space.

(cuts to theater, inside, Phineas and Ferb are watching, but Lawrence is sleeping)
Announcer: Space Adventure, it's an adventure in space!

(cut to Phineas and Ferb's backyard, Irving enters)
Irving: Hmm... (calling out) Phineas?! Ferb?!
Buford: (offscreen) They went to the movies.
(On the second half of this line, zoom out to show Buford carrying Baljeet next to him.)
Baljeet: No Phineas and Ferb today.
Irving: What am I gonna do?! Albert goes back to boarding school tomorrow! He'll think I'm a liar!
Baljeet: I have an idea. (Wipe to him later on) Phineas and Ferb made me this 3D projector. I can project one of their projects right into the yard here. Your brother will think they just built it.
Irving: And it wouldn't be lying because they did actually did build it. What have you got?
Baljeet: Well, let us see. (transitions to Eiffel Tower) Oh, this is from the time Phineas and Ferb built a full-scale replica of the Eiffel Tower. I will hide the projector in the bushes.
Irving: But look. Albert is impossible to fool. They call him "The Truth Detector".
Buford: I don't know, I'm convinced.
Irving: Uh-oh, and he's supposed to meet Phineas and Ferb too.
Baljeet: Too bad we are not Phineas and Ferb.
Irving: (gasps) I've got a crazy idea. Time for a makeover.
Buford and Baljeet: (squeal)
Buford: A manly one, right?

(cut to Doofenshmirtz's building)
Doofenshmirtz: Full steam ahead. Chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga, whoo hoo! Oh, hey, there. Is that the Doofenshmirtz choo-choo? No, it's not! You will all be late for your jobs and be fired. (laughs)
(Perry comes in)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, Perry the Platypus. Hello. Have you come to see my new hobby? Scale model reproductions of actual railroads, train depots... look, even scale model litter. Shameful. My father bought one for me when I was just a little evil, but you know, he wouldn't let me play with it.
Young Doofenshmirtz: Father, may I play with my trains now?
Doofenshmirtz's father: Nein!
(End flashback)
Doofenshmirtz: Now that I'm old enough to buy my own, I'm disappointed by the shabby quality of the cheap model reproductions. Which is why I'm going to travel the globe and shrink the world's greatest architectural treasures. (breaks out of Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated) Just to put them in my train set, see? The Shrink-inator ray is for the shrinking, the cardboard box is for holding the shrunken treasures, and the bicarbonate of soda is for my motion sickness. First stop: Cairo, Egypt. (laughs) Wrong way.

(cut to Phineas and Ferb's house)
Baljeet: Ah, we are ready.
Irving: WHAT?! No! No no no, you can't BOTH be Phineas!
Baljeet: That is what I told him, but he would not listen.
Buford: Phineas gets all the lines!
Albert: Irving, are you here?
Irving: (gasps) He's here! Quick, put these on.
Albert: Irving! Irving, I thought you were pulling my leg, but this is remarkable.
Irving: Really, you're buying it?
Albert: What?
Irving: Nothing.
Albert: So, when am I gonna meet this Phineas and Ferb?
Irving: Oh, well, what do you know, they are here now.
Baljeet: (as Phineas) Hello, I think you know what we are doing today.
Buford: (as Ferb) 'Ello, I'm from England and I don't talk much.
Irving: Phineas, Ferb, this is my older brother Albert. Albert, meet Phineas and Ferb.
Albert: Hmm. Remember earlier when I accused you of pulling the wool over my eyes? Well, I take it back. It's a real pleasure to meet you boys.
Irving: What?
Albert: So, tell me about this Eiffel Tower.
Baljeet: (as Phineas) Um, it is big.
Buford: And Mexican.
Albert: I thought it was French. What do you know. Learn something new every day.
Irving: Are you serious?
Albert: I would be honored to watch the great Phineas and Ferb at work. Would you mind building something?
Baljeet: (as Phineas) Sure.
Irving: No! I mean... I know they would love to. Albert?
Albert: Shh, they're working.
Isabella: Hi Phineas. Hi... Ferb? Okay, what'cha doin'?
Irving: (whispers to Isabella)
Isabella: Oh, okay. What'cha doin'?
Albert: They're building something live. In person.
(tranquil theme plays)
Baljeet: (as Phineas) Nice.
Albert: The simplicity of the design enhances its innovation.
Irving: Really? The simplicity of the design? Okay.

(cut to Doofenshmirtz and Perry)
Doofenshmirtz: First stop on our shopping spree. You know, I've always dug the Sphinx. I mean, what is it? A man? A cat? A cat-man? It doesn't matter. And gotcha. Now I switch on my Shrink-inator ray and... it's mine now. There you are. Perfect. Look at-- look at the detail. Well, you know the saying: "Honk if you love evil"! (laughs, flies off)

(Cut to Candace's room, Candace is listening to another song on her headphones. She crosses to the window.)
Candace: Oooooh, what are those two up to now? (Cuts to her perspective out the window.) Okay, Phineas and Ferb are standing in the yard with two nerds, Isabella, and the Eiffel Tower. (Cut back to her.) That's nothing but trouble! Wait a sec... (She gets out binoculars, cut to her view from them.) Those aren't my brothers. (Zoom in on Buford and Baljeet) What?! Is that Buford and Baljeet?! (Cut back to her, she gets out her phone and dials it.) Oh, I am so calling Mom! (Stops) Hold on. If those aren't my brothers, why am I calling my mom? Why not call Buford and Baljeet's moms? That satisfies the Mom response, and the bust urge! I'll call that dork Irving's mom, too. And what the heck? Why leave my mom out of the party? (She laughs, plays another song on her headphones and dials numbers, humming.) Information, please. (Hums more.)

(cut to Doofenshmirtz and Perry)
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, so we have the Great Wall of China, oh, excuse me, I mean the Great Small of China, and the, uh-- The Shrinx (Sphinx), and the Teeny Tower of Pisa (Leaning Tower of Pisa), and the Roman Coliseum-- The Coliseum-- Coli-- I have to think about that one. No matter. Because last but not least, the Taj Ma-Small (Taj Mahal). Ha-ha, oh, that's a good one. Back to the Tri-State Area and let the fun begin.

(cut to Phineas and Ferb's backyard)
Albert: You guys are amazing. What else can you do?
Buford: (as Ferb) Um, I can turn my head completely around.
Albert: Wow. I wish I was that double-jointed.
Irving: Really?
Albert: Really. Well, it's been a real pleasure and an honor to meet you guys. Come on, Irving, let's go.
Buford: I can't believe we tricked the un-trickable.
Irving: I am at a loss for words, dude.

(cut to Perry and Doofenshmirtz)
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, let's see, the uh-- the Roman Coliseum. The, uh, No-Man-Can-See-'Em-Because-It's-So-Tiny. No, that's not a good-- (Perry hits him) Ah!

(cut to Albert and Irving walking)
Albert: That was really, really amazing.
Irving: Oh, really?
Albert That's right.
Irving: So your super-senses weren't tingling when, oh, I don't know, Ferb had eyes in his mouth?! Didn't that give you a moment of pause?! A scintilla of doubt?!
Albert: What are you talking about?
Irving: I can't believe how gullible you are. That wasn't the real Phineas and Ferb.
Albert: Well, of course it was. I saw their pictures on your wall.
Irving: That was two kids in costume and that Eiffel Tower was a hologram, Mr. "Ta-Ruth Detector".
Albert: Sorry, little bro. There was no way that was a hologram.
Irving: Oh, yeah? Well, let's go back and I'll show you.
Albert: Yeah, let's do that.

(cut to Phineas and Ferb's backyard)
Baljeet: What did you think, Isabella? Was I a convincing Phineas?
Isabella: No. No you weren't.
Buford: Yeah, but totally nailed Ferb.
Baljeet: Oh, I almost forgot.

(cut to Doofenshmirtz and Perry)
Doofenshmirtz: Wait, w-w-what are you doing with that? Oh, no, my-my Eiffel Tower! Gotcha. Uh, hey, Perry the Platypus, I saved the Trifle Tower. (Eiffel Tower) No, Perry the Platypus, don't zap it again. It will make it grow. (cries out) Oh, no, I'm shrunk.

(cut to Buford, Baljeet, and Isabella when the Eiffel Tower falls)
Baljeet: What was that?
Buford: I think it was my stomach. I told you, I'm starving.
Irving: See it and believe it, brother. See-- I can run right through-- (bangs into the tower) it. But it was-- but I had you.
Albert: Consider this a lesson learned, Irving.
Irving: (cries out)
Albert: (drags Irving away) No one pulls the wool over the eyes of The Truth Detector!

(Cuts to the street outside the backyard, Linda's car pulls up, followed by Mrs. Du Bois pulling up in the background. Biffany and Mrs. Tjinder walk up the sidewalk, Linda gets out of her car.)
Baljeet's mom: Hello, Linda.
Linda: Hi, ladies.
(Close up, Biffany and Mrs. Tjinder walk up to Linda.) Baljeet's mom: I got a call from Candace...
Buford's mom: ...Who said something about our sons and busting!
Irving's mom: (Walks up) Are Irving and Albert okay?
Candace: (Walking out the front door) Hello, ladies! (Runs up to them, pushes Linda) Come on, come on, moms! (She drags Biffany offscreen, Mrs. Tjinder and Mrs. Du Bois follow.) I can't wait to see the looks on your faces when you see the spectacle that's in the backyard, come on!

(cut to Doofenshmirtz and Perry)
Doofenshmirtz: All right, put up your dukes! Wait-- Wait-- what are you doing?! (Perry puts him in his hat.) Hey, this place is nicer than my first apartment. (Perry zaps the Eiffel Tower and pulls it up, just before Phineas and Ferb walk in the backyard.)
Phineas: Space Adventure, an adventure in... Know what, Ferb?
Ferb: We're over it.
Phineas: Yes. Yes we are.
(Cuts to the gate) Candace: Come on, moms! (Enters backyard) A-ha! (Pause, Linda and the other moms come by in the background.) Huh?!
Phineas: Hey Candace, you built this? Nice to see you're starting to take an interest.
Candace: What?!! No-no-no-no-no, where's the Eiffel Tower? (runs up to them and feels around) Oh, wait. I've seen this, it's invisible! I've just got to find it! (Cuts to a bored Linda and the surprised mothers, she continues offscreen.) It has to be around here somewhere!
Lawrence: (walks up) Space Adventure. So, what did I miss?
(Cut to a stunned Phineas and Ferb.)
Candace: (offscreen) And look! (Runs up) Here are Buford and Baljeet, your sons being bad! (Stretches Ferb's head) They're in disguises! Uh, really good disguises! (Grunts while stretching Phineas' head, chuckles deadpanned) It'll come off in a second.
(Cut back to the moms.)
Baljeet's mom: Does this happen often?
Linda: (With disdain) Yes, yes it does. Welcome to my world. How about a cup of tea? (She walks offscreen, Lawrence and the moms follow her.)
Buford's mom: I hope you got cookies!
Linda: (offscreen) Of course, Biffany.

(cut to Doofenshmirtz and Perry)
Doofenshmirtz: So, let me guess, Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes, we're going to return everything I shrank, right? Huh, even the Roman Small-iseum? Hey, look, I finally figured that one out, huh? Ow! Oh, curse you, Perry the Platypus!

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