Maggie: Learn to drive, you jerk!
Doofenshmirtz: No, no! I'm here! I'm here! (arrives with some rockets) Just a little late! I'm here! Phew! But it's okay, I made this to help.
Carl: You can't shoot that at a suspect! Are you crazy?! It would blow them to smithereens!
Doofenshmirtz: Hey, bub, it's just a piece of clipart.
Carl: And, Doofenshmirtz, you're lucky you're legally considered an ocelot, or you wouldn't be here at all!
♪ Wah wah wah ♪
Carl: Now, you're going to have to do the entire training exercise again.
OWCA Day-Players: Yay! High five!
Doofenshmirtz: Uh, can we still use this thing? (He activates the rocket and it blasts into an unknown area.) Heh heh heh. Well, y'know, hopefully that didn't hit anything important.
Napoleon: Today is the day that we will become OWCA's first insect agents.
Wendell: But they never responded to our applications.
Napoleon: Imagine fighting international supervillains, traveling to exotic locales.
Wendell: And I'm gonna get all kinds of cool spy stuff, like a jet pack, a tuxedo and scuba fins!
Wendell: How 'bout you, Floyd? What do you want? Uh, a fountain pen that shoots lasers? (gasps) Or a car that shoots fountain pens?
Floyd: I want a monkey.
Floyd: I still want a monkey.
Major Monogram: Carl, this new facility is really impressive. Now, tell me again where you found the money for all these improvements.
Carl: I just solved a small ongoing accounting error. You kept putting decimal points where you needed to put commas.
Major Monogram: Carl, isn't it time that we talked about the elephant in the room?
Carl: What do you mean, sir?
Napoleon: This must be our first test, gentlemen. As agents, we must know how to elude things like deadly toxic clouds.
Wendell: Just for the record, that was not me.
Napoleon: Look at all this spy equipment! (looks at a pair of scissors) Some sort of giant cutting device, latex bands, miles of insect rope, giant fly— Aah! Whoa!
Floyd: (behind a magnifying glass) What is happening to me?
Napoleon: (sniffs, to Wendell) Okay, that was you.
Wendell: Guilty. Sorry.
Villain: I am Professor Parenthesis. Although, I'm not really here. This is a holographic image.
Carl: Major, I'm looking up Professor Parenthesis in our database. There's not much on him.
Parenthesis: You don't remember me. We were in biology class together long ago. You barely noticed me.
Major Monogram: You're not that guy who kept eating his own hair, are you?
Carl: Didja ever finish that screenplay?
Parenthesis: This is my screenplay! (hands Carl his screenplay) Right here. I'd like to get your notes.
Parenthesis: Seriously, though. I'll email you the screenplay. Tell me what you think.
Carl: Sir, he's turned all of our animal agents against us!
Major Monogram: Carl, are you familiar with the term "a-duh"?
Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus, we should go to your secret lair and get your hover car... (the rest are already ahead) Okay, fine, just... Just remember it was my idea!
Napoleon: Yes, well, there's always a silver lining, isn't there? I think the problem is we need to be up on their eye level.
Wendell: Like those guys up there?
Doofenshmirtz: Ah, so this must be your...your host family's house. What's with all the rockets in the r— Oh, those are mine! That must be where they landed! Wh-What a coincidence! Well, it's a good thing they're not armed or... (The rockets start beeping. Doof chuckles.) Don't worry, Perry the Platypus. Everything is gonna be okay.
Doofenshmirtz: Wow, what a mess. But don't worry, Perry the Platypus. OWCA's got plenty of money now. They'll... (snaps fingers) They'll fix this place up before your host family even gets back and they'll, they'll replace all this junk with...y'know, pretty much identical junk. (Harry gives him a look.) What?
Doofenshmirtz: Ah, see? A cat always lands on my feet.
Doofenshmirtz: I know you might be a little upset, what with your house and your lair so exploded and all, and... And I have to admit that I feel...slightly responsible...
Maggie: (imitating the rockets) Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep... PYEOW!!!
Doofenshmirtz: Yeah. If anyone happens to see a canyon that looks sorta grandish, just speak up. Or maybe not speak up, maybe meow up, or squawk, er, whatever it is that you do, up.
Maggie: Are we there yet?
Parenthesis: Well, that was delightful. I couldn't eat another gram.
Doofenshmirtz: Ah, the Grand Canyon. It's nice. You got the Colorado River, you got the giant robot fleas. you got these nice red rocks right h— (gasps) Wait a second! The Colorado River?! I thought we were in Arizona! (gasps) And wait another second! Giant robot fleas?!?
Maggie: We lost the cat! We lost the cat!
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, relax. The cat's right...
Major Monogram: The cobra. (They do a pose, while Agent C passes by, not noticing them. They start sneaking again.) Andalusian dog. (They pose again, while Agent F passes by.)
Agent F: Ribbit. Ribbit. Ribbit.
Wendell: Why do we wanna be laminated?
Napoleon: Not laminated. Illuminated. It means to have light shown upon us.
Wendell: Yes! And then we can all be laminated!
Napoleon: No, it's illu... You know what? Nevermind. Floyd, when we get up on the box, you throw that switch!
Major Monogram: Come on, Carl. Let's get outta here! (he opens the door, but it is blocked) Carl, what the heck?!
Carl: Well, it never occurred to me that the emergency exit would be locked down, too.
Major Monogram: Ooh! (chuckles) Uh, (points to his right) We went that way! (runs the other direction)
Carl: Heh heh heh... uhhhh... additional misdirect! (follows Monogram)
(Floyd points the magnifying glass in front of the lights, setting Napoleon and Wendell on fire.)
Floyd: Stop, drop, and roll, sir.
Doofenshmirtz: Well, you know what they say. Any landing where you don't get stabbed with a fork is a good one. And I didn't get stabbed with a fork.
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, heh. Yeah, w-way to get the ball rolling there, Perry the Platypus. I-I see you're gonna use the... (looks at the manual) Standard Evil Fortress Infiltration Technique, or SEFIT. Man, these guys are really bad at acronyms.
Doofenshmirtz: I coulda helped. I understand the Standard Evil Fortress Infiltration Technique. Step one: Diversion.
(Cut to Parenthesis.)
Doofenshmirtz: Aw, looks like you might need my help after all! Lucky for you I brought a rope, with a dreamcatcher on the end! That's what you call style!
Doofenshmirtz: (to the alligators) Get back, you, before I get all Creole chef on you!
Doofenshmirtz: Wait, nobody move. Here. (takes a selfie) That's goin' on my blog.
Doofenshmirtz: I did it! I saved you guys and now we're safe! (some alligators land in their raft) Except for the fact that it's, you know, raining alligators. And secret lairs.
Major Monogram: Good thing we found a hiding place, Carl. What is this? A dining room table or something?
Carl: It's a desk, sir.
Major Monogram: What's up with the giant bear?
Carl: Oh. That was a gift from our contractor.
Carl: I can't see back here, sir.
Major Monogram: You drew the short straw, Carl.
Wendell: Oh, boy! Oh, sorry, Floyd, are you okay?
Floyd: Wendell, I've had an epiphany! In order for us to obtain our noble goal, we must evaluate the— (groaning) Ow.
Wendell: Oh, my! By larva-making mother, would you look at that! It's like the floor is frozen, but it's warm. It's like warm ice. Did we discover this? We should call it "wice".
Napoleon: Actually, it's called glass.
Wendell Wow, it's a good thing that lid didn't fall on us. That would've hurt.
(The lid starts to creak, but then leans backward.)
Doofenshmirtz: Y'know, it, uh... It could've been worse. Uh, don't..don't all thank me at once. Knowing my talent has served my fellow agents is thanks enough.
Maggie: Rawk! Lousy rescue!
(The words '"TEAM WORK" float in front of Doof's face.)
Doofenshmirtz: (shooing the letters away) Knock it off! Hope that's not permanent.
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, now let's spell out "collaborative alliance".
♪ There's a "C" in— ♪
Parenthesis: Well, well, well, Francis Monogram! It's hostile takeover time!
Major Monogram: Carl, how was he able to override the lockdown?
Major Monogram: Okay, you made your point, Parenthesis. Apparently, I didn't notice you in school. Sad story. Boo-hoo. But why are you here?
Parenthesis: I'm here to make your days the darkest of grays and your nights the blackest of black. I want to see your smug smile melt away like the candles on a sad little abandoned birthday cake.
Wendell: Wow, Napoleon, we're huge!
Napoleon: Yes, this is bound to get us noticed.
Carl: Does that mean what I think it means?
Major Monogram: No. It means Parenthesis was... a robot.
Napoleon: There. This seems aerodynamically sound.
Wendell: Now all we need is a big rubber band and two palm trees to launch us!
Floyd: Uh, guys. (cut to reveal Floyd's head not attached to his body) I think I got a paper cut.
Napoleon: Uh, Wendell.
(Close up to reveal Parenthesis is actually a small blue flea.)
Parenthesis: (laughs maniacally) Aloha!
Wendell: Napoleon, how are you steering this?
Napoleon: I'm not, Wendell. We are at the mercy of the wind! YEEHAW!!
Parenthesis: Here, little semi-aquatic mammal. Here, boy. Nowhere to turn now! Oh, look, I'm wearing glasses. I'm a hipster.
Parenthesis: Okay, end of the line, platypus! You've nowhere to... Oooh, cotton candy! Give me some of that!
Parenthesis: Does anyone see him? He's small, teal, wears a hat. Oh, come on. How hard is it to find a small platypus in a carnival setting? Don't say it! I just heard myself.
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, great! Karen's here! We're saved!
Maggie: We're dead!
Parenthesis: Hey! Ow! Aw! Ow! (sighs) Oh, well, you guys do work well together. But to no avail. I may be boo-boo'd and bruised, but I still have control over OWCA's agents! Ha! And it all becomes permanent in just five more seconds!
Wendell: Look, Napoleon. They got to be agents.
Napoleon: Yes, and not us. (The plane begins to plummet.) Whoa! (sighs) We should take this as a sign. (takes up a violin) Bugs are not meant to be agents. (plays "Nearer My God to Thee") Gentlemen, it's been a pleasure serving with you. (The wind carries them off.) Whoa!
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, hey, now that we're agents, when do I get to use this thing? (launches a rocket launcher) Whoa! (The rockets crash into the OWCA headquarters.) Oops, sorry.
Major Monogram: Carl?
Napoleon: I don't believe it! We've landed safely! I take this as a sign! We will be the best agents that OWCA has ev—
(The building explodes.)