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O.W.C.A. Files/Memorable Quotes

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Act I

Maggie: Learn to drive, you jerk!
Doofenshmirtz: No, no! I'm here! I'm here! (arrives with some rockets) Just a little late! I'm here! Phew! But it's okay, I made this to help.

Carl: You can't shoot that at a suspect! Are you crazy?! It would blow them to smithereens!

Doofenshmirtz: What's the big deal? I blow up all the time.
Doofenshmirtz: Hey, bub, it's just a piece of clipart.
Carl: And, Doofenshmirtz, you're lucky you're legally considered an ocelot, or you wouldn't be here at all!

Wah wah wah
Doofenshmirtz: Yeah. I'd say that's probably the first time anyone has described my being abandoned by my parents and raised by Central American wildcats as "lucky".
Wah wah wah wah
(Zoom out to reveal the wah-wah music coming from Harry playing the trumpet with a plunger mute.)

Doofenshmirtz: You're gonna be wearing that thing in a second.
Carl: Now, you're going to have to do the entire training exercise again.

OWCA Day-Players: Yay! High five!
Carl: No, I'm not approving overtime. We'll do it without you day-players.
OWCA Day-Players: Awwww...

OWCA Day-Player: Come on. Let's just storm out as if we have somewhere else to go.
Doofenshmirtz: Uh, can we still use this thing? (He activates the rocket and it blasts into an unknown area.) Heh heh heh. Well, y'know, hopefully that didn't hit anything important.
Napoleon: Today is the day that we will become OWCA's first insect agents.

Wendell: But they never responded to our applications.
Napoleon: Yes, and I can't understand why. We mailed them in on time, right before the year-end deadline.
(Cutaway to the Bug Trio putting their letter in the slot.)
Major Monogram and Agents: Three, two, one!

Carl: Happy New Year!
Napoleon: Imagine fighting international supervillains, traveling to exotic locales.

Wendell: And I'm gonna get all kinds of cool spy stuff, like a jet pack, a tuxedo and scuba fins!
(Cutaway to Wendell in his house wearing all those.)
Wendell: Yeah! That oughta do it! (He turns on his jet pack setting his house on fire and bumping into the ceiling.) Napoleon, I can see your house from here!

(Pan left to Napoleon at his house pulling down his window shade.)
Wendell: How 'bout you, Floyd? What do you want? Uh, a fountain pen that shoots lasers? (gasps) Or a car that shoots fountain pens?

Floyd: I want a monkey.
Napoleon: Mmm, yes. For whatever twisted reason, you shall acquire your primate.
Floyd: Monkey.

Napoleon: Yes, a monkey is a... You know what? Nevermind.
Floyd: I still want a monkey.
Major Monogram: Carl, this new facility is really impressive. Now, tell me again where you found the money for all these improvements.

Carl: I just solved a small ongoing accounting error. You kept putting decimal points where you needed to put commas.

Major Monogram: Oh, I see! Improper punctuation.
Major Monogram: Carl, isn't it time that we talked about the elephant in the room?

Carl: What do you mean, sir?
(Long shot to reveal Agent E with a green collar around his neck holding a newspaper and itching.)

Major Monogram: Well, what exactly is he doing?
Napoleon: This must be our first test, gentlemen. As agents, we must know how to elude things like deadly toxic clouds.
Wendell: Just for the record, that was not me.
Napoleon: Look at all this spy equipment! (looks at a pair of scissors) Some sort of giant cutting device, latex bands, miles of insect rope, giant fly— Aah! Whoa!
Floyd: (behind a magnifying glass) What is happening to me?
Napoleon: (sniffs, to Wendell) Okay, that was you.
Wendell: Guilty. Sorry.
Villain: I am Professor Parenthesis. Although, I'm not really here. This is a holographic image.

Carl: Major, I'm looking up Professor Parenthesis in our database. There's not much on him.
Parenthesis: It's Parenthesis! Not Parenthesis!
Carl: Are you sure? Because it's spelled—
Parenthesis: You would think I would know how my own name is pronounced.

Carl: Yeah, you'd think.
Parenthesis: You don't remember me. We were in biology class together long ago. You barely noticed me.

Major Monogram: You're not that guy who kept eating his own hair, are you?
Parenthesis: No. That was Jeffrey Stovel.
Major Monogram: Were you the kid who got his chin stuck in that graduated cylinder?
Parenthesis: No, that Jennifer Stillwell! And she was a girl! All you need to know is that I'm the one who sent those flea collars!
Major Monogram: Oh, are you that kid who wore that Robin Hood hat and passed out in the drinking fountain?
Parenthesis: Billy Youjeka! And can we move on, please?

Major Monogram: Yeah, sorry.
Carl: Didja ever finish that screenplay?

Parenthesis: This is my screenplay! (hands Carl his screenplay) Right here. I'd like to get your notes.

Carl: Oh, I'd be happy to. (tries to pick it up, then remembers it's a hologram. To Monogram) Seriously?! You don't remember this jerk?!
Parenthesis: Seriously, though. I'll email you the screenplay. Tell me what you think.
Carl: Sir, he's turned all of our animal agents against us!
Major Monogram: Carl, are you familiar with the term "a-duh"?

Act II

Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus, we should go to your secret lair and get your hover car... (the rest are already ahead) Okay, fine, just... Just remember it was my idea!
Napoleon: Yes, well, there's always a silver lining, isn't there? I think the problem is we need to be up on their eye level.

Wendell: Like those guys up there?
(pointing to a bunch of butterflies on display behind glass)
Napoleon: Uh...yes?? And no.

Butterfly: Tell my wife I love her.
Doofenshmirtz: Ah, so this must be your...your host family's house. What's with all the rockets in the r— Oh, those are mine! That must be where they landed! Wh-What a coincidence! Well, it's a good thing they're not armed or... (The rockets start beeping. Doof chuckles.) Don't worry, Perry the Platypus. Everything is gonna be okay.


Doofenshmirtz: If I can get a ladder, I can defuse them before they blow up. (Notices the house is destroyed.) Eh. Well, on the bright side, now we don't have to find that ladder.
Doofenshmirtz: Wow, what a mess. But don't worry, Perry the Platypus. OWCA's got plenty of money now. They'll... (snaps fingers) They'll fix this place up before your host family even gets back and they'll, they'll replace all this junk with...y'know, pretty much identical junk. (Harry gives him a look.) What?
Doofenshmirtz: Ah, see? A cat always lands on my feet.
Doofenshmirtz: I know you might be a little upset, what with your house and your lair so exploded and all, and... And I have to admit that I feel...slightly responsible...

Maggie: (imitating the rockets) Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep... PYEOW!!!

Doofenshmirtz: Yeah, thanks for the recap, Maggie.
Doofenshmirtz: Yeah. If anyone happens to see a canyon that looks sorta grandish, just speak up. Or maybe not speak up, maybe meow up, or squawk, er, whatever it is that you do, up.
Maggie: Are we there yet?
Parenthesis: Well, that was delightful. I couldn't eat another gram.
Doofenshmirtz: Ah, the Grand Canyon. It's nice. You got the Colorado River, you got the giant robot fleas. you got these nice red rocks right h— (gasps) Wait a second! The Colorado River?! I thought we were in Arizona! (gasps) And wait another second! Giant robot fleas?!?
Maggie: We lost the cat! We lost the cat!
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, relax. The cat's right...
Major Monogram: The cobra. (They do a pose, while Agent C passes by, not noticing them. They start sneaking again.) Andalusian dog. (They pose again, while Agent F passes by.)

Agent F: Ribbit. Ribbit. Ribbit.
(They resume sneaking again.)
Major Monogram: Violin and candlestick. (They pose as Gary the Gander flies past them. They jump over some lamps and a desk chair offscreen.) Garden party.
Carl: (offscreen) Garden party?

Major Monogram: (offscreen) Just give me your ankles.
Wendell: Why do we wanna be laminated?

Napoleon: Not laminated. Illuminated. It means to have light shown upon us.
Wendell: Like a grape?
Napoleon: Yes. Like... Like a grape?
Wendell: Yeah, I saw a grape this morning.
Napoleon: And there was light shining on it?

Wendell: You saw it, too?
Wendell: Yes! And then we can all be laminated!

Napoleon: No, it's illu... You know what? Nevermind. Floyd, when we get up on the box, you throw that switch!

Floyd: I like laminated grapes.
Major Monogram: Come on, Carl. Let's get outta here! (he opens the door, but it is blocked) Carl, what the heck?!

Carl: Well, it never occurred to me that the emergency exit would be locked down, too.
Major Monogram: Isn't that something you should've checked before we crawled through all that duct work?
Carl: I suppose... but, I was... just having so much fun sneaking around with you.

Major Monogram: Actually, I was kinda havin' fun, too. Heh heh.


Major Monogram: Ooh! (chuckles) Uh, (points to his right) We went that way! (runs the other direction)
Carl: Heh heh heh... uhhhh... additional misdirect! (follows Monogram)
(Floyd points the magnifying glass in front of the lights, setting Napoleon and Wendell on fire.)
Floyd: Stop, drop, and roll, sir.
Doofenshmirtz: Well, you know what they say. Any landing where you don't get stabbed with a fork is a good one. And I didn't get stabbed with a fork.
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, heh. Yeah, w-way to get the ball rolling there, Perry the Platypus. I-I see you're gonna use the... (looks at the manual) Standard Evil Fortress Infiltration Technique, or SEFIT. Man, these guys are really bad at acronyms.
Doofenshmirtz: I coulda helped. I understand the Standard Evil Fortress Infiltration Technique. Step one: Diversion.

(Cut to Parenthesis.)
Parenthesis: (to his robot fleas) Jason, Shirley, water is no longer coming out of my hole. Get down there and see what you can do about it.
Doofenshmirtz: (voiceover) Step two: Immobilization.
(Cut to Jason and Shirley looking at Karen as Harry speeds past them, knocking them over.)
Doofenshmirtz: Step three: Infiltration. They'll take them completely by surprise. They'll just walk right in the door past that giant lava lamp, and... Why would there be a giant? (record scratch) IT'S A TRAP!!

(The word "Duh" floats past Doof's head.)
Doofenshmirtz: Aw, looks like you might need my help after all! Lucky for you I brought a rope, with a dreamcatcher on the end! That's what you call style!
Doofenshmirtz: (to the alligators) Get back, you, before I get all Creole chef on you!
Doofenshmirtz: Wait, nobody move. Here. (takes a selfie) That's goin' on my blog.
Doofenshmirtz: I did it! I saved you guys and now we're safe! (some alligators land in their raft) Except for the fact that it's, you know, raining alligators. And secret lairs.

Act IV

Major Monogram: Good thing we found a hiding place, Carl. What is this? A dining room table or something?

Carl: It's a desk, sir.
Major Monogram: A desk we can both hide under? Whose office is this anyway?
Carl: It's mine, sir.
Major Monogram: Yours?! This is at least ten times bigger than my office!
Carl: Sir, that's not important now! We need to find a way to escape!
Major Monogram: And how do you rate your own bathroom?
Carl: It's actually a gym, sir.

Major Monogram: Is that a chocolate fountain?
Major Monogram: What's up with the giant bear?

Carl: Oh. That was a gift from our contractor.

Major Monogram: That gives me an idea! But this conversation isn't over.
Carl: I can't see back here, sir.
Major Monogram: You drew the short straw, Carl.
Wendell: Oh, boy! Oh, sorry, Floyd, are you okay?

Floyd: Wendell, I've had an epiphany! In order for us to obtain our noble goal, we must evaluate the— (groaning) Ow.
Wendell: Sorry, Floyd, did you say something?

Floyd: I like trains.
Wendell: Oh, my! By larva-making mother, would you look at that! It's like the floor is frozen, but it's warm. It's like warm ice. Did we discover this? We should call it "wice".

Napoleon: Actually, it's called glass.
Wendell: No. I think it should be some combination of warm and ice. Floyd, come take a look at this!
(Floyd hobbles his way over to the other two.)

Floyd: I need a face shoe.
Wendell Wow, it's a good thing that lid didn't fall on us. That would've hurt.

(The lid starts to creak, but then leans backward.)
Napoleon: Well, yes, Wendell, that was fortun—

(The electric fan from earlier appears out of nowhere and squishes the Bug Trio again.)
Doofenshmirtz: Y'know, it, uh... It could've been worse. Uh, don't..don't all thank me at once. Knowing my talent has served my fellow agents is thanks enough.

Maggie: Rawk! Lousy rescue!
Doofenshmirtz: I wouldn't call it lousy, per se. A little off, maybe, but... Oh, come on. Harry the Hyena, it was a good rescue, wasn't it?

Harry: A-hee-ha-ha-ha-ha! A-ha-ha-ha ha ha ha ha. Eh, heh heh... Eh... Nah.
(The words '"TEAM WORK" float in front of Doof's face.)
Doofenshmirtz: (shooing the letters away) Knock it off! Hope that's not permanent.
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, now let's spell out "collaborative alliance".

There's a "C" in—

No, no, no, I'm just kiddin'! I'm kidding! Come on back! Hey, uh, guys, you, y-you forgot the cat. (to Karen) They forgot you. And you're the cat.
Parenthesis: Well, well, well, Francis Monogram! It's hostile takeover time!

Major Monogram: Carl, how was he able to override the lockdown?
Carl: Well, it opens from the outside, sir.

Major Monogram: Ehhh.

Act V

Major Monogram: Okay, you made your point, Parenthesis. Apparently, I didn't notice you in school. Sad story. Boo-hoo. But why are you here?

Parenthesis: I'm here to make your days the darkest of grays and your nights the blackest of black. I want to see your smug smile melt away like the candles on a sad little abandoned birthday cake.

Carl: Sounds like he's here to bore us to death.
Wendell: Wow, Napoleon, we're huge!

Napoleon: Yes, this is bound to get us noticed.
Wendel: So how do we get them to see it?
Napoleon: Well, it would be preferable if it were at their eye level.
Floyd: We could build a paper airplane.
Napoleon: If we could find a staple remover, some dental floss... Wait, Floyd, what did you say?
Floyd: I want a monkey?
Napoleon: No, what did you just say?
Floyd: I want a monkey.
Napoleon: What were the last words out of your mouth?
Wendell: Well, actually, those were the last words out of his mouth. You asked him, "What did you say?" And he said, "I want a monkey." He said it twice, if you count this last time.
Napoleon: Well, I...I... Okay, Floyd, immediately before you said "I want a monkey" twice...
Floyd: I don't want two monkeys.
Wendel: Is this about the face shoe?

Napoleon: Oh, forget it! We're making a paper airplane!
Carl: Does that mean what I think it means?

Major Monogram: No. It means Parenthesis was... a robot.

Carl: Alright. Well, now I'm confused. What did you think I thought it meant?
Napoleon: There. This seems aerodynamically sound.

Wendell: Now all we need is a big rubber band and two palm trees to launch us!
Napoleon: You watch way too much TV, Wendell.

Wendell: Oh, just the one show.
Floyd: Uh, guys. (cut to reveal Floyd's head not attached to his body) I think I got a paper cut.

Napoleon: Uh, Wendell.

Wendell: I'll go get the gauze.
(Close up to reveal Parenthesis is actually a small blue flea.)

Parenthesis: (laughs maniacally) Aloha!
Major Monogram: Wait. You're a flea?
Parenthesis: Recognize me now?
Major Monogram: Why would I recognize a flea?

Parenthesis: See? See? There's that attitude again! (A TV set with multiple mechanical arms pops out of the robot's body. The TV shows the flea's face.) You've always looked down your nose at me. Well, now, who's beneath who?
Wendell: Napoleon, how are you steering this?
Napoleon: I'm not, Wendell. We are at the mercy of the wind! YEEHAW!!
Parenthesis: Here, little semi-aquatic mammal. Here, boy. Nowhere to turn now! Oh, look, I'm wearing glasses. I'm a hipster.
Parenthesis: Okay, end of the line, platypus! You've nowhere to... Oooh, cotton candy! Give me some of that!
Parenthesis: Does anyone see him? He's small, teal, wears a hat. Oh, come on. How hard is it to find a small platypus in a carnival setting? Don't say it! I just heard myself.
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, great! Karen's here! We're saved!
Maggie: We're dead!
Parenthesis: Hey! Ow! Aw! Ow! (sighs) Oh, well, you guys do work well together. But to no avail. I may be boo-boo'd and bruised, but I still have control over OWCA's agents! Ha! And it all becomes permanent in just five more seconds!
Wendell: Look, Napoleon. They got to be agents.
Napoleon: Yes, and not us. (The plane begins to plummet.) Whoa! (sighs) We should take this as a sign. (takes up a violin) Bugs are not meant to be agents. (plays "Nearer My God to Thee") Gentlemen, it's been a pleasure serving with you. (The wind carries them off.) Whoa!
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, hey, now that we're agents, when do I get to use this thing? (launches a rocket launcher) Whoa! (The rockets crash into the OWCA headquarters.) Oops, sorry.

Major Monogram: Carl?

Carl: There's still money in the budget, sir.
Napoleon: I don't believe it! We've landed safely! I take this as a sign! We will be the best agents that OWCA has ev—
(The building explodes.)

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