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Perry Lays an Egg/Transcript

< Perry Lays an Egg

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(Scene opens up showing the Flynn-Fletcher house.)
Candace: Mom, the remote's not working!
Linda: You know, you could walk five feet and change the channel the old-fashioned way.
Candace: Oh, be for real, Mom. I'd rather watch the stupid nature show.
Linda: (walks out of the room) I'll get batteries while I'm out.
Narrator: This week on Walking with Nature, one of the world's slowest creatures; Chelonia mydas, the sea turtle.
Candace: (gets up) Five feet, huh? (sits back down) Nah, it's still not worth it.

(In the backyard, Phineas and Ferb are in the tree, just about to test their project.)
Phineas: Well, Ferb, time to make the sunniest day ever!
(Ferb pushes the button and a yellow beam from the device hits the sun.)
Phineas: I guess it's already as sunny as it's gonna get. (He and Ferb climbs down the tree.) Wow, it's not even lunchtime and we're already done with today's project. Think about it, Ferb.
(Ferb accidentally knocks an egg off its nest.)
Phineas: That means we have the whole rest of the day...
(The egg slides down the tree trunk, which hits a sleeping Perry from behind.)
Phineas: ...to do another project.
(Perry wakes up then looks at the egg.)
Phineas: It's like having two days in one! (slides down the tree trunk) Can't ask for better than that.
(Ferb also slides down the tree trunk.)
Phineas: Hey, Perry, do you have any cool ideas for projects?
(Perry chatters; Ferb picks up the egg.)
Phineas: That's an egg. Perry laid an egg! You know what this means, don't you? We're gonna have two Perrys! Congratulations, old boy! You're gonna be a... Hey, where's Perry?


(Scene shifts to the garage. Perry, now in agent mode, walks from behind a vacuum cleaner then flips a switch. A tube comes down the ceiling, which sucks up not only the fedora but his fur as well. Another scene shift to Perry's lair, where it reverses the process. An annoyed Perry glares at the dysfunctional tube.)
Major Monogram: How did you like our new pneumatic transporter? I used it myself this morning.
(Camera pans to Perry, who folds his arms and narrows his eyes.)
Major Monogram: What? (Camera pans back to him) Oh, who am I kidding? The new pneumatic transporter sucks. I mean, literally, sucked every piece of hair off my body. Anyhoo, Doofenshmitz has brought up the Tri-State's entire supply of krill. Krill?
Carl: (off screen) Krill is a small shrimp-like creature that plays an important role in the diet of the humpback whale.
Major Monogram: (scoffs) ..Krill.


(Scene shifts back to the backyard.)
Phineas: You know, Ferb, Perry's egg is getting kind of cold.
(Ferb places a small blanket on top of the egg.)
Phineas: (shakes his head) No, I don't think that's gonna cut it. This calls for desperate measures. (Ferb takes the egg) We need the ultimate, best-ever egg hatcher. Ferb, I know what else we're gonna do today.

(Scene shifts to the living room. Candace returns to the couch with a bowl of popcorn.)
Candace: Five feet for popcorn, fine! (sits on the couch) Five feet to change a channel? I don't think so!
Announcer: This turtle is seeing the world for the first time.
Candace: Hey, this little fella is kind of cute.
Announcer: Here's one that's found himself in the unforgiving position of being stuck on his back. Watch as he instinctively turns to his stomach.
Candace: Whoa! Cool!
Announcer: But the sea turtles' struggles are just beginning. Without the protection of their mother, they face many predators. As you can see, they make easy prey even though the safety of the ocean is a mere five feet away.
Candace: (gulps)

(In the backyard...)
Phineas: All right, Ferb, let's get our nurture on!
(beeping)
Phineas: Easy does it! There! Activating temperature control.
(Phineas presses a button and a small heater comes out from the left panel.)
Phineas: Initiating platypus lullaby loop cycle.
(Another button is pushed, a mic with an extension cord appears, and the aforesaid loop cycle starts playing.)
Phineas: Nothing says "mother's love" like a giant, robotic platypus butt.

(Back in the living room, where Candace is still watching the sea turtle documentary)
Announcer: Unbeknownst to the delicate infant turtle, it's caught the eye of a sea hawk, and he's looking for a meal.
(thudding)
(Candace gasps, covers her eyes, then a second later looks sadly at the TV screen)
Announcer: Sadly, the sea hawk wins this battle. Unlike humans, sea turtles don't have a mother to protect them through these crucial moments of infancy.
(Chattering)
Candace: What's that?
(She pulls up the blind and notices the boys' new project.)
(Whirring; Candace screams)
Phineas: (while Candace runs into the backyard) Hey, Candace, Perry laid an egg!
Candace: (picks up the egg) It's okay, little guy. Candace is here to protect you! (at the boys) What are you doing to this precious gift of life?
Phineas: After Perry left his egg unattended, we decided it would be best if we watched over it for him. Given the rudimentary needs of the average egg, we calculated the heat transfer due to elemental exposure, plus the positive developing life responses to familiar and expected sound, and factored the obvious visual surroundings. The result was the Plat-a-Droid, but since we were pressed for time, we only built the platy-posterior.
Candace: (after a pause) That's so wrong in so many ways, I don't even know where to start! An egg is like a little baby. It needs a living, breathing mother. It needs... Hold on one second.
(Candace runs into the house, then closes the back door. After another pause, she kicks it open with a foot.)
Candace: (now wearing her "mom" suit) Okay, let's do this thing for real!

Doofenshmirtz holding a bucket!

(Doofenshmirtz, on his hovercraft, dumps the bucket of krill into the water. A few seconds later, Perry, using his jetpack, lands on it.)
Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus! You're just in time for my backstory. You see, it all started a lifetime ago.

(Flashback)
Doofenshmirtz: (voice over) I was young and in love with a beautiful girl. She taught me how to see the beauty of life, and I taught her how to hold a petty grudge. She was very interested in whales, for some reason. In retrospect, it was probably more of an unhealthy obsession, but to win her heart, I created the Whale Translator-inator! I rented the best oceanographic vessel that I could afford, and we headed out. But when I turned the Translator-inator on...
(Whales squealing)
Whale: (via the Translator-inator) ..What a loser that guy up there is! She should dump that pink chimp and go out with a real mammal like me.
Doofenshmirtz: (voice over) She left me for that trash-talking 35-ton pile of blubber. And broke my fragile, 10-ounce utterly-too-human heart.
(End flashback)

Doofenshmirtz: Unfortunately, my Translator-inator only worked in one direction. So I was not able to tell the whales what I thought of them. Until today. Watch this. (mimics whale cry) See, I taught myself whale song. I just told him he's fat, and he has barnacle breath.
(Whale squeals)
Doofenshmirtz: Come on, come on, who's diabolical?

(Perry gives an annoyed face)

(Scene shifts to the Flynn-Fletcher backyard)
Candace: Okay, first things first. Dismantle that thingamajig of... of weirdness. Sometimes, I swear, I'm the only normal one in this family. (pause) Like I said. Weirdness. Now, let's get serious. See what I'm wearing here? Serious. This egg's not gonna hatch itself. We need to build a nursery.
Phineas: We have this cool blueprint for an incubator!
Candace: Too antiseptic. Think warm and loving, not cold and clinical! Hugs and kisses, not hard and mechanical!

(Song: Technology vs. Nature)
Danny Jacob: Motherhood's for life
It's not something in which you dabble
For machine's not built to last
Their love is only techno-babble

Mother knows what's necessary
'Cause she always pays attention
That's why they say necessity's the mother of invention

Now I got you on the run
Technology, zero
Mother Nature, one!

When a child cries out in the night
It's rarely for the washing machine
Science can't improve upon a mother's heart
But given time, it could trick out a spleen!

So if you think that you could build a better mother, let it go,
'Cause nature already nailed it 60 million years ago,
You see, before we'd even begun:
Game over! Technology lost, Mother Nature won!
Game over! Technology lost, Mother Nature won!

Candace: So how does it feel to have your platy-posterior handed to you on a plate, son?

(Scene shifts back to Doofenshmirtz, still mocking the whale, while Perry watches the entire thing.)
Doofenshmirtz: (continues imitating whale cry) (laughing) I just told him his macaroni and cheese recipe is too cheesy and not macaroni-y enough! (laughing) (imitates whale cry)
(Perry rolls his eyes in disgust then leaves the hovercraft on his jetpack.)
Doofenshmirtz: Wait, wait, Perry the Platypus. Where are you... Where are you going? Wait! Wait! My evil plan isn't evil enough for you to foil? Is that it? Really? I've just insulted the macaroni and cheese recipe of a whale! What part of that is not evil?
(After a pause, Doofenshmirtz turns his hovercraft around to follow after Perry.)
Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus, you get back here and thwart me this instant!


(In the backyard...)
Phineas: There, that just about does it. (at Candace) Candace!
Candace: (in a large-sized cradle) I'll say when it just about does it. Mmm-hmm. Hmm. Hmm. (at the egg) And how's my wugga wuggums? So cute! (at herself) Hmm. Not bad for a couple of boys.
Phineas: You're pretty good at this, Candace.
Candace: You bet I am. This is what real mothering looks like!


(Scene shifts to downtown Danville, where Perry's being followed by Doofenshmirtz.)
Doofenshmirtz: Stymie meee! Foil meee! Hey, what about the fact that I held a petty grudge against an inferior mammal all these years, huh?
(Perry glares, lowers his jetpack, and hides behind a dumpster. Doofenshmirtz flies past it on his hovercraft. Perry glances at the camera annoyingly, blinks once, then a surprised look appears on his face.)
Doofenshmirtz: Thwart me, Perry the Platypus.
(Perry quickly flies away on his jetpack.)
Doofenshmirtz: (once again following Perry) Aw, come on!


(Back in the backyard, where the egg is starting to hatch.)
Candace: (joyfully) I hope it's a girl! (at the egg) Come to Mommy, snooka wookums!
(Bird squawking whale song)
Candace: Huh? It was just a bird?
Ferb: That's not just any bird. That's a rare whale song-singing double-breasted angle hooper...
Candace: (getting pecked by the angle hooper) Ow!
Ferb: ...the natural enemy of the platypus in the wild.


(Back to Doofenshmirtz following Perry on his hovercraft...)
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, okay. I have something really evil. Really, really. It's actually evil. (pause) Just kidding. Ha-ha! (mimics whale cry)
(Perry flies his jetpack to the eject button and pushes it, which then ejects Doofenshmirtz out of the hovercraft.)


(Scene shifts to the backyard; Candace is still getting pecked by the angle hooper.)
Candace: Ow! Ow!
(Doofenshmirtz, imitating a whale cry, "flies" by the Flynn-Fletcher house. The angle hooper stops pecking Candace then leaves with a squawk.)
Linda: (opening the back door) Candace, I have your batteries. (looks at Candace, surprised) Candace? What are you wearing?
Candace: It's... my mom suit.
Linda: All right. I'll try not to take that as an insult. What is the rest of this?
Phineas: Candace has us build this to show us what motherhood is like.
Linda: (doubtfully) Okay. Candace, you made them build all this?
Candace: No. That's not fair!
Linda: You know, Candace, you're gonna have to clean all this up. Mom suit. I swear. (walks off) I'm not even gonna ask.
Candace: How do you only manage to see this one? Why only mine? (walks towards the gate) Wait! Come back! This is so unfair! Wait!
Jeremy: (opening the gate) Hey, Candace. I was just stopping by to invite you... (awkward pause) Hmm. Well, nice mom suit.
Candace: (at Linda) See? He gets it.


(Scene shifts to Doofenshmirtz)
Doofenshmirtz: (screaming; falls into a whale's blow hole)
(Pause)
Woman: Heinz?
Doofenshmirtz: Elizabeth?
(Another pause)
Elizabeth: Best decision I ever made.

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