Major Monogram: I thought you said you had reserved seats, Carl.
Carl: That was at the pricey theatre and you said you wouldn't pay more than $3.50.
(The episode begins)
Major Monogram: And I never will. Great googly moogly! Look at that hideous lamp! Is...Is that a camel?
Major Monogram: What? What "uh-oh"?
Carl: Let's just say I may have to return your birthday present.
Major Monogram: Please do. (Shudders)
Carl: Wow, really? We're watching someone watch TV. This is some stimulating cinema. Y'know, I've taken two film classes at the community college and—
Major Monogram: No one cares, Carl! Carl, are those children authorized to operate high-tech devices like that?
Carl: That's Phineas and Ferb, sir. Agent P's owners.
Major Monogram: Oh, right, right, right. Yes, the, uh, the odd purple trousers should have clued me in.
Major Monogram: What? Another "uh-oh"? What is it this time?
Carl: That egg by Agent P. I sense a comical misunderstanding coming soon.
Major Monogram: (chuckles) Suddenly, you're Mr. Smartypants. I doubt very much a show of this caliber would stoop to something... Hmm. (scoffs) Well, I stand corrected.
Phineas: (on screen) We'll have two Perry's!
Major Monogram: Is that boy right? Are we going to have two Agent P's?
Carl: No, sir. Remember the misunderstanding we saw 30 seconds ago? It's not Perry's egg.
Major Monogram: Oh! Oh, yes, right. (Chuckles) I knew that.
Carl: (laughing hysterically) Look at that hair!
Major Monogram: Can it, Carl, or I'll bust ya down to...whatever is lower than unpaid intern.
Carl: Not much, sir.
Major Monogram : Well, whatever it is, that's what you'll be doing.
Carl: (muffled chuckle) I'm not laughing.
Major Monogram: (on screen) Krill?
Carl: (on screen) Krill is a small...
Carl: Oh! Oh! It's me! That's my voice! I'm part of the show! I can't believe—
Major Monogram: Okay, can it, Carl! Your part is over and you...you talked all the way through it.
Major Monogram: Oh, dear. The egg is getting cold. You know what, you know those boys should do?
Carl: No, sir. What?
Major Monogram: Sit on it! (laughs) That was a humdinger of a put-down when I was younger.
Carl: If you say so, sir.
Major Monogram and Carl: Camel lamp!
Candace: (on screen) I don't think so!
Carl: Oh, look, sir, it's Agent T.
Major Monogram: What is he doing out of uniform?
Carl: Well, technically, he just hatched. I don't think they provide fedoras in utero. Or is that in eggero?
Major Monogram: I hear sounds coming out of your mouth, but I have no idea what you are talking about.
Narrator: (on screen) Without the protection of their mother, they face many predators. As you can see, they make easy prey.
Major Monogram: Why are her eyes wiggling like that? It's...It's givin' me the heebie-jeebies. Uh, Carl, is... is that a robotic platypus behind?
Carl: Looks like it, sir.
Major Monogram: Oh! They're going to crush it!
Carl: Don't worry, sir. I'm sure the little egg will be all right.
Phineas: (on screen) Initiating platypus lullaby loop cycle. (Platypus chattering plays) Nothing says mother's love like a giant robotic platypus butt.
Major Monogram: Truer words were never spoken.
Major Monogram and Carl: Camel lamp!
Carl: Again with the TV watching! It's lazy film-making. They should be ashamed.
Major Monogram: Ashamed? Heh. You're one to talk, Carl. I've seen your sloppy requisition forms. They're almost indecipherable.
Carl: I'm sorry, sir. I do my best to maintain neatness but penmanship was never my strong suit.
Major Monogram: Loosen up, Carl. I was making a joke.
Carl: Oh. Oh, thank goodness. I guess it was the lack of a punchline or any humor or...
Phineas: (on screen) Hey, Candace, Perry laid an egg.
Candace: (on screen) It's okay, little guy. Candace is here to protect you. (to Phineas) What are you doing to this precious gift of life?!
Carl: Is it just me or is the one with the red hair a major chatterbox?
Major Monogram: Oh, yeah. I was about to say the same thing.
Carl: I mean, has the other kid even had a line yet?
Major Monogram: Don't think so. Very unfair. A-A-And what's with the green hair? Who has green hair? No one, that's who.
Phineas: (on screen) But since we were pressed for time, we only built the platy-posterior.
Major Monogram: Will you look at the size of that thing?!
Carl: I know, sir. She does have a big mop of hair.
Major Monogram: Oh, not her hairdo, you dope! The egg! How could Agent P possibly pass that thing?
Carl: Once again, it's not Agent P's egg. It rolled out...eh... (sighs) Nevermind.
Major Monogram: I did not see that one coming.
The Slacks: (on screen) ♪ Doofenshmirtz holding a bucket ♪
Major Monogram: Okay, now we're gettin' somewhere. An evil villain. An antagonist. Someone to raise the stakes and bring in some conflict.
Carl: Afraid not, sir. Looks like we're going right into backstory.
Major Monogram: Rats.
Doofenshmirtz: (on screen) I was young and in love with a beautiful girl. She taught me how to see the beauty of life. And I taught her how to hold a petty grudge. She was very interested in whales...
Carl: Oh, Major Monogram, look at this place! I love it! We should do something like this at OWCA! How would you describe this decorating style?
Major Monogram: Whale.
Carl: No, that's not quite it.
Major Monogram: Ah, the inator.
Carl: Yeah, I wanted to ask you about that. What is it with Dr. Doofenshmirtz and inators? Doesn't he realize they always fail?
Major Monogram: No one ever said he was a smart cookie. Wait, wait! Where are Doofenshmirtz's legs?
Translator: What a loser that guy up there is! She should dump that pink chimp and go out with a real mammal like me!
Major Monogram: Ooh! Perfect swan dive!
Carl: 5.8, 6.0, 5.9, and a 3.1 from the Drusselsteinian judge!
Major Monogram: Oh, like the judges' scorecards. (Chuckles) You're making a joke.
Carl: Trying to, sir.
Major Monogram: Well, maybe if you paid a little more attention to interning and a little less to comedy stand-up joke routines and...
Carl: Point taken, sir.
Doofenshmirtz: (on screen) Watch this. (singing whale song)
Major Monogram: Wow, listen to that. Y'know, I'm seriously rethinking why we're sending our best agent to take down this yahoo every day.
Carl: I always wondered about that.
Major Monogram: Then why on earth didn't you say something?
Carl: Well, sir, sometimes I feel like I'm not really being heard when I —
Major Monogram: Quiet, Carl! We're...we're on to a new scene.
Candace: (on screen) Dismantle that thingamajig of... of weirdness. Sometimes I swear I'm the only normal one in this family. (Sez the girl who is currently dressed like a platypus.)
Major Monogram: That is some serious compartmentalizing, Carl. These boys know how to make good use of space.
Carl: I keep telling you that you'd have more room if you just cleaned up your desk.
Major Monogram: Oh, I'm far too busy for those kinds of menial tasks. That's what we pay you for.
Carl: You don't pay me, sir. And you won't let me touch anything in your office.
Major Monogram: That's right. As it should be. She exercising or is that some funky new dance the kids are doin'?
Carl: Look, now the boys are doing it. No, no, I know this one. It's the Running Man. (A machine explodes on screen.) Aaahh!
Danny Jacob: (on screen) ♪ Mother knows what's necessary ♪
♪ 'Cause she always pays attention ♪
Major Monogram: Is that... Is that Mr. Fluffykins? Why does she have my Mr. Fluffykins?
Carl: Running Man again. I guess it's the only dance move they know.
Major Monogram: I think... Yes. Yes, they're just... they're just using the same shot over again. That's shoddy. Just...just shoddy.
(A baby appears on screen.)
Carl: Aaah! Oh, sorry. For a second, I thought it was a giant floating baby head.
Major Monogram: A giant floating what?
Carl: I have these nightmares about a giant floating baby head. I know it doesn't sound scary when you say it out loud, but at night when I'm all alone and the wind is blowing through the eaves and it makes the noise like the cry of a small baby...
Major Monogram: Okay, okay, enough already. You're starting to give me the heebie-jeebies.
Danny Jacob: (on screen) ♪ Game over, technology lost ♪
♪ Mother Nature won ♪
♪ Game over, technology lost ♪
♪ Mother Nature won ♪
Candace: (on screen) So how does it feel to have your platy-posterior handed to you on a plate, son?
Major Monogram: Why doesn't that whale just eat him? I mean, one bite and... I'm not even a whale, but I'd chow down myself just to shut him up.
Carl: He does seem to like the sound of his own voice.
Doofenshmirtz: (on screen) (laughs, then sings whale song) Wait, wait. Perry the Platypus, where are you... Where are you going? Wait! Wait! My evil plan isn't evil enough for you to foil, is that it? Really? I've just insulted the macaroni and cheese recipe of a whale!
Major Monogram: Can we deputize that whale remotely? Overnight him a fedora and order him to eat that blowhard?
Carl: I don't think so, sir. I guess I can try if you really...
Major Monogram: Oh, now we'll never know, will we?
Phineas: (on screen) There. That just about does it.
Carl: Agent P's owners are fairly well known for their amazing inventions. Are we really supposed to be wowed by a stack of mattresses and some stuffed animals?
Major Monogram: Apparently.
Candace: (on screen) Not bad for a couple of boys.
Phineas: (on screen) You're pretty good at this, Candace.
Candace: (on screen) You bet I am! This is what real mothering looks like!
Doofenshmirtz: (on screen) Stymie me!
Major Monogram: Boy, that Doofenshmirtz never... Hold the phone! Who's the dish by the pool? Back it up, Carl! Rewind!
Carl: I can't, sir. Besides, I think we're supposed to be caught up in the chase anyway.
Major Monogram: Oh, I couldn't care less about that. Agent P wins every single time, you know that. There's no tension. We already know how it's gonna end.
Carl: Thanks for ruining it for the rest of us.
Candace: (on screen) I hope it's a girl! Come to mommy, snooka-wookums.
Major Monogram: Great googly moogly! Is that some kind of bird? How is that possible? Are...Are they trying to tell us that Agent P is...is part ostrich or something?
Carl: (sighs) No. Remember, we saw the egg roll out of the tree. It was not Perry's egg and... Oh, nevermind! Yes, Perry is part ostrich.
Major Monogram: I knew it!
Carl: Is he tryin' to pull a fast one? On Agent P?
Major Monogram: Oh, no, he didn't!
Candace: (on screen) Ow! Ow!
Major Monogram: Well, that was odd. You know, my own mother once caught me in a very similar situation, except for the mattress and toys. And I wasn't dressed like a platypus.
Carl: So it was nothing like this.
Major Monogram: Not really. No.
Phineas: (on screen) Candace had us build this to show us what motherhood is like.
Linda: (on screen) O....kay... Candace, you made them build all this?
Candace: (on screen) No! That's not fair!
Linda: (on screen) You know, Candace, you're gonna have to clean all this up.
Carl: You know, if that were my home, cleaning up the backyard would not be my first priority.
Major Monogram: What do you mean?
Carl: There are more important things to get rid of first.
Major Monogram and Carl: Camel lamp!
Major Monogram: Hey, that's my guitar teacher! Hmmm, small world.
Carl: You aren't kidding! If you think about it, there are only about 20 to 25 people we know in the entire Tri-State Area.
Candace: (on screen) See?! He gets it!
Major Monogram: Okay, they lost me. How is, is he in... And what is she... Ah, forget it. This is ridiculous. (gets out of his seat and leaves) I'm outta here. (the episode ends) I want my money back.
Carl: (following Monogram) You didn't pay, sir.
Major Monogram: (offscreen) Put a sock in it, Carl.