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Perry The Actorpus/Transcript

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(The scene opens with the Flynn-Fletcher house in view)
Phineas: Well, Perry, as soon as I send in your photo you'll be a contestant in the Totally Tools spokes-animal contest. (looks at Perry) What do you say boy? Ready to be a spokes-animal?
(Perry chatters)
That's the spirit! (does some typing) And send. (pushes a button on keyboard)
(Phone rings and Phineas answers it)
(Phone Murmurs)
Perry won!

(At the Danville Community Center)
Mandy: Good morning, everyone, and welcome to the Stop the Busting Retreat, a one-day seminar to teach us all to use sisterly restraint. And today, we welcome our newest member, Candace Flynn. Candace, this is Anne, Sunisa and Danielle.
Candace: (waves a hand) Yeah, hi.
Mandy: What we like to do now is a little exercise. We'll start with you, Anne. (clicks a button on a remote) This is your picture of your brother turning your mother's flower bed into a swimming pool. What do you do?
Anne: Well, being a non-buster, I'll probably go to the mall and get a mani-pedi.
Mandy: Good! (at Candace) See how it's done, Candace? (clicks button again) Think you can do that?
Candace: Ha! Are you kidding? Just try me.
Mandy: Okay, so, (clicks button for the third time) you see your brothers making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, You...?
Candace: Well, being a non-buster, I wouldn't bust them for making a sandwich. But I'd bust them for making a sandwich when it's 5:30 in the afternoon, and we'll all be having supper in a half-hour! They'll ruin their appetites! They are so busted!
Mandy: Okay, who here can tell me where Candace's approach could use a little improving? (Everyone except Mandy raises their hand) Candace, put your hand down.

(At the Totally Tools Headquarters)
Manager: Okay, welcome to Totally Tools. Now, where is that contest-winning platypus of yours? (gasps) Oh, will you look at him. Oh, and he sits up, too! Who says they don't do much? Brilliant! But sitting up isn't enough. He has to say, "Totally Tools". (pause) I got nothing. What do you guys think?
Phineas: How about a hat?
Manager: Brilliant!
Phineas: Ferb, I know we're gonna do today. We're gonna put a hat on Perry. (places a hat on Perry's head)
(Song: Quirky Worky Song)
(A quick montage of Perry wearing various hats)
Manager: Hang on a minute. Wait, go back two.
(Quirky Worky Song plays backwards for two seconds.)
Manager: Brilliant! (picks up Perry, now wearing a... fedora) Nothing says Totally Tools like a platypus in a fedora. Boys, he's got a lot of work to do. (hands Perry to Phineas) Get busy!
Phineas: Come on, Ferb. (runs off with Ferb following him)
Manager: Those boys are brilliant!
Assistant: Sir, your 10:30 balloon is here.
Manager: Brilliant!

(In Perry's lair, Monogram is on the monitor looking through some papers when the phone beeps. He pauses and then pushes a button.)
Major Monogram: Mmm, hello?
Doofenshmirtz: (off-screen) Francis! Hi, it's me, Heinz.
(The screen splits and Doofenshmirtz shows up on the right side of the monitor.)
Doofenshmirtz: Have you seen Perry the Platypus?
Major Monogram: Dr. Doofenshmirtz, that information is highly classified and strictly confidential.
Doofenshmirtz: You have no idea where he is.
Major Monogram: Not a clue.
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, thanks!
Major Monogram: Oh, hey, hang on. Say, what kind of an evil scheme you got going on there today?
Doofenshmirtz: Well, it isn't so much an evil scheme as much as a childish prank, but I've invented a Mustache-inator! (pause) It gives people big, bushy, ridiculous-looking mustaches. Because, as we all know, there's nothing sillier than a big, bushy... (chuckles nervously) All right, uh, uh... But hey, you know, it looks good on you!

(At an auditorium, Phineas and Ferb are on a stage getting ready to reveal something.)
Phineas: Ladies and gentlemen, today we give you the new face of Totally Tools, (blue curtains opens) Perry the Platypus!
(audience cheers)
Man in audience: Yeah! Nothing says Totally Tools like a platypus in a fedora.

(At Totally Tools Headquarters, where the buildings now all have a billboard on them)
Manager: Boys, this campaign of yours has really put us over the top. What else you got?
Phineas: Well, Ferb came up with an idea for an exploding billboard.
Manager: Brilliant!
(The trio leaves; Perry goes into agent mode, puts on his fedora, and opens a window all while looking to see if they're coming back. He then notices a blimp advertising Totally Tools. Using his grappling hook, he hitches a ride on the blimp.)
Boy: Hey, look! It's a Totally Tools publicity stunt.
Man: Nothing says Totally Tools like a platypus in a fedora hanging from a blimp!
(Perry jumps then falls into a chimney pipe.)

(Perry's lair; he enters it through a tube and lands on his chair. Monogram is back on the monitor and has unsuccessfully shaved his mustache off.)
Major Monogram: Oh, hello, Agent P. We have a situation. With all these new billboards up all over town, you've become too recognizable to be a secret agent. So we had to send Agent S to Doofenshmirtz's in your place. I'm sorry, but you're going to have to go on hiatus until your 15 minutes of fame are up.
(Perry salutes then sadly walks away)

(Back at Totally Tools Headquarters)
Manager: I gotta tell you, boys, our president, Tom Totally, thinks you're doing such a brilliant job!
(Perry, back in pet mode, walks towards him, Phineas, and Ferb)
He wants you to take the rest of the day off.
Phineas: Sounds great. (at Perry) Oh, there you are, Perry. We can spend the rest of the day with you for a change.

(Song: Let's Spend Half a Day)
(Hey! Hey!)
I don't wanna sound half-hearted
I think you already know (Know, know)
I couldn't be there when we started
But that was half a day ago (Ago, ago)
We could share half a cheese sandwich
Or take in half a view
Or we could make it halfway through the zoo!
Oh, baby!
Let's take half a day to be together
Let's make half a day last forever
Let's take half a day to make our dreams come true, yeah!
Let's spend half a day with you!
With you! (Whoo!)
Yeah you! (Hey! Hey!)
With you!

(D.E.I.; Doofenshmirtz's lying on a couch pretending to use the Mustache-inator)
Doofenshmirtz: Pew! A handlebar. Pew! A pencil thin. Pew! Fu Manchu!
(knocking on door)
Well, now, who could that be? All right, already! (walks to the door) This better be important, or you are gonna get such a mustache...
(door gets knocked down)
(exclaims fearfully) Wait a minute. (pulls out magnifying glass from lab coat) Hmm, what do we have here? Oh, no, it's Sergei the Snail!
(Doofenshmirtz then proceeds to use a trap door and a cage, but with no luck.)
Hmm, well, this should be easy. You've fallen for my trap! (cackles) Huh? You may have survived that trap, but let's you escape the cage! Ha-ha! Oh, for Pete's sake! Will nothing stop you?

(Meanwhile, Candace and Mandy are at the park trying out a contraption)
Candace: Okay, this is quite a jump from group affirmations. How is this contraption supposed to help me resist the urge to bust my brothers?
Mandy: It's a positive reinforcement machine. When you ignore your busting impulses, you get a reward. Let's try it out.
You go out in your backyard and find that your brothers have built a rocket ship. What do you do?
Candace: Well, I'm just gonna... I ignore it?
Automated voice: Ooh! Who's a good girl? You are the good girl. Yes, you are.

(D.E.I.; Sergei the Snail is now trapped in a ring of salt)
Doofenshmirtz: There! That ought to hold you. Lucky thing Mrs. Thompson had some salt I could borrow. (chuckles) Yeah. Yeah, consider yourself "a salted". Ah, man, I'm writing that one down. And now, to business. See that guy there with the beard?
(Camera pans to a man reading a newspaper on a nearby bench. Doofenshmirtz fires the Mustache-inator and the man now has a mustache.)
Pew! (cackles) Actually, that was kind of a letdown.

(At the park, Phineas is holding back a red ball)
Phineas: Fetch the ball, Perry!
(Phineas throws the ball and Perry follows it to a tree. Just then, the wristwatch communicator on Perry's left wrist beeps. Perry quickly goes into agent mode then hides behind the tree.)
Major Monogram: (on wrist communicator) Agent P, Doof found Agent S's weakness. We need you to drop everything and return to duty.
(Perry looks around the tree, then there's a close-up of Monogram giving the sad puppy look)
I know we gave you some time off, but could you please come back in to work? (pleading) Please? (normal voice) I can't hold my eyes like this much longer.
(Perry puts his fedora back on, narrows his eyes, and then runs off)

(Back with Mandy and Candace...)
Mandy: Now, Candace, your brothers have issued a gold-based currency which has seriously devalued the euro. What do you do?
Candace: (laughs) I do nothing!
Automated voice: You are the good girl, yes, you are!
Candace: Wow, you were right. This is quite a machine. Where did you get it, anyway?
Mandy: Phineas and Ferb made it for... (covers her mouth with a hand)
Candace: What did you say?
Mandy: N-n-n-nothing. (screams)
Candace: Phineas and Ferb, why do you always build these things? It's impossible to bust you for everything! It's not my job! Not my job! (realizes) Not my job?
Mandy: Candace, you had your breakthrough! (hugs Candace) I'm so proud of you.

(Back at D.E.I.; close-up of Doofenshmirtz holding the Mustache-inator)
Doofenshmirtz: Ha! Did you see that? I just put a mustache on that dog's...
(Camera pans to Perry with arms akimbo standing next to the trapped Sergei the Snail.)
(gasps) Perry the Platypus, you're back!
(Camera pans back to Doofenshmirtz.)
What a guy! Not so famous you can't stop by to trounce an old nemesis, are you, huh? But you can't!
(Doofenshmirtz walks to Perry and Agent S holding a manual)
It's against the O.W.C.A. by-laws. (puts on reading glasses)
(While Doofenshmirtz continues talking, Perry frees Sergei the Snail from the salt trap. The snail agent then makes his way towards the evil scientist.)
And I quote, "No additional agents are allowed to thwart any single evil scientist if said first agent assigned is still well and able to carry out his duties." And though surrounded by salt, Sergei the Snail is technically still "on duty," so as long as I have him trapped, you can't touch me! It's all here in black and and... Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
(Despite his size, Agent S proceeds to use some martial arts skills on Doofenshmirtz.)
(after hitting a wall) Ow, that snail is dynamite!

(At a bus stop, Candace, Mandy, Anne, Sunisa and Danielle are in a huddle)
Candace: Well, ladies, thanks for everything.
(A bus with a Totally Tools billboard on it pulls up to the bus stop)
I feel like... (notices billboards) Uh, Perry? Perry? Perry? .... Oh, my gosh, the boys have created an enormous ad campaign around our pet platypus!
Mandy: Uh-oh.
Candace: (inhales deeply) Sisters, I know what you're thinking, but rest assured, this new Candace that you see before you will not react like the crazed little girl that crawled in here just this morning.
Mandy: Good for you, Candace!
Candace: For now, I am, and will always be, an older sister who is positive and mature.
Mandy: That's right, Candace.
Candace: And I am absolutely 100% positive that I have to bust my brothers. I can see it in your eyes! You know I'm right! Sisters, will we bust our brothers?
Mandy: Yes!
All: Yes, we will!
Candace: Sisters, repeat after me. Bust! Bust! Bust...
All: Bust! Bust! Bust!.... (repeats)
(Candace gets on the bus, which then drives away)
Mandy: (stops chanting, realizing something) Whoa, whoa, whoa! What just happened?

(At D.E.I., Agent S finally has Doofenshmirtz "pinned" down on the floor)
Doofenshmirtz: Just for the record, Perry the Platypus, I was thwarted by Sergei the Snail, not you! You don't get any credit for this.
(Camera pans to Perry, who just used the Mustache-inator)
Hey, what are you doing?
(Mustaches appears on all the Totally Tools billboards)

(At Perry's lair, Monogram is once again on the monitor, this time playing with his lip)
Carl: Uh, sir, you're playing with your lip again.
Major Monogram: Oh, I can't help it, Carl. I miss the old duster.
(A ray from the Mustache-inator zaps the monitor and his trademark mustache appears on it)
What the..? (at Carl) Hey, Carl! It's back! Look how great it... (moves; realizes the mustache isn't on his face) Oh. (taps the screen) Oh, doggone it!

(Back at D.E.I.)
Doofenshmirtz: Well, that was interesting. You defaced yourself. (pause) I didn't see that coming. To be honest, you have lost me completely.
(Perry uses the Mustache-inator again and a ray zaps a mustache on Doofenshmirtz's face)
Hey! (stammering) Wow, I look just like my grandfather, Jose Doofenshmirtz. I mentioned him before. It's... it's a weird story. I'll tell you later. You know, after I shave.
(Perry uses a wrench to destroy the Mustache-inator)
Hey, what are you...
(Perry then leaves using his hang-glider.)
Oh, curse you, Perry the Mustachioed Tool Spokespus!

(At Totally Tools Headquarters)
Manager: But, Mr. Totally, I have no idea who put those mustaches on those posters. It wasn't my fault!
Mr. Totally: I want every one of these ad torn down totally! They're mocking me!
Manager: Yes, sir. Yes, sir, all torn down. Brilliant! (crashes) Trash can!

(Just after Candace left the bus and runs toward home, a crane comes to remove all the billboards. She barely notices as she runs)
Candace: Oh, they are so busted!

(She reaches home to notice a giant billboard)
Okay, how she missed that one is beyond me.

(In the attic...)
Mom! Mom! Mom!
(Linda, in full Scottish clothing, is playing the bagpipes while Lawrence, wearing a kilt and inflatable legs, dances a reel. The inflatable legs pop, much to Linda's surprise.)
Linda: Well, I guess that answered the inflatable legs question. (at Candace) Now, what is it, Candace?

(Candace drags Linda down the stairs and pushes her out the door)
Candace: Look and see for yourself! You won't believe it!
Linda: Candace...

Candace: Okay, now, look up there! (points toward the billboard)
Linda: I'm astonished.
Candace: Yes! Finally!!
Linda: "Nothing says Totally Tools like a snail in a fedora."
(Camera cuts to show the giant billboard with Sergei the Snail on it in place of Perry. Throughout the next line, Candace turns and sees it, her mouth drops in horror)
It makes me want to run right out and buy some tools. (at Candace) Now, if you'll excuse me, I had better get back to the attic before your father blows up another pair... (Inflatable legs burst off camera) Oops, too late. (runs off) I'm coming, dear! And I have the patch kit.
(Camera shows Candace as she stays where she is, mouth open, dumbfounded)

End credits

(Song: Let's Spend Half a Day)
Oh, baby!
Let's take half a day to be together
Let's make half a day last forever
Let's take half a day to make our dreams come true, yeah!
Let's spend half a day with you!
With you! (Whoo!)
Yeah you! (Hey! Hey!)
With you!

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