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(The scene opens with the Flynn-Fletcher house in view)
Phineas: Well, Perry, as soon as I send in your photo you'll be a contestant in the Totally Tools spokes-animal contest. (looks at Perry) What do you say boy? Ready to be a spokes-animal?
(Perry chatters)
That's the spirit! (does some typing) And send. (pushes a button on keyboard)
(Phone rings and Phineas answers it)
Hello?
(Phone Murmurs)
Perry won!

(At the Danville Community Center)
Mandy: Good morning, everyone, and welcome to the Stop the Busting Retreat, a one-day seminar to teach us all to use sisterly restraint. And today, we welcome our newest member, Candace Flynn. Candace, this is Anne, Sunisa and Danielle.
Candace: (waves a hand) Yeah, hi.
Mandy: What we like to do now is a little exercise. We'll start with you, Anne. (clicks a button on a remote) This is your picture of your brother turning your mother's flower bed into a swimming pool. What do you do?
Anne: Well, being a non-buster, I'll probably go to the mall and get a mani-pedi.
Mandy: Good! (at Candace) See how it's done, Candace? (clicks button again) Think you can do that?
Candace: Ha! Are you kidding? Just try me.
Mandy: Okay, so, (clicks button for the third time) you see your brothers making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, You...?
Candace: Well, being a non-buster, I wouldn't bust them for making a sandwich. But I'd bust them for making a sandwich when it's 5:30 in the afternoon, and we'll all be having supper in a half-hour! They'll ruin their appetites! They are so busted!
Mandy: Okay, who here can tell me where Candace's approach could use a little improving? (Everyone except Mandy raises their hand) Candace, put your hand down.

(At the Totally Tools Headquarters)
Manager: Okay, welcome to Totally Tools. Now, where is that contest-winning platypus of yours? (gasps) Oh, will you look at him. Oh, and he sits up, too! Who says they don't do much? Brilliant! But sitting up isn't enough. He has to say, "Totally Tools". (pause) I got nothing. What do you guys think?
Phineas: How about a hat?
Manager: Brilliant!
Phineas: Ferb, I know we're gonna do today. We're gonna put a hat on Perry. (places a hat on Perry's head)
(Song: "Quirky Worky Song")
(A quick montage of Perry wearing various hats)
Manager: Hang on a minute. Wait, go back two.
(Quirky Worky Song plays backwards for two seconds.)
Manager: Brilliant! (picks up Perry, now wearing a... fedora) Nothing says Totally Tools like a platypus in a fedora. Boys, he's got a lot of work to do. (hands Perry to Phineas) Get busy!
Phineas: Come on, Ferb. (runs off with Ferb following him)
Manager: Those boys are brilliant!
Assistant: Sir, your 10:30 balloon is here.
Manager: Brilliant!

(In Perry's lair, Monogram is on the monitor looking through some papers when the phone beeps. He pauses and then pushes a button.)
Major Monogram: Mmm, hello?
Doofenshmirtz: (off-screen) Francis! Hi, it's me, Heinz.
(The screen splits and Doofenshmirtz shows up on the right side of the monitor.)
Doofenshmirtz: Have you seen Perry the Platypus?
Major Monogram: Dr. Doofenshmirtz, that information is highly classified and strictly confidential.
Doofenshmirtz: You have no idea where he is.
Major Monogram: Not a clue.
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, thanks!
Major Monogram: Oh, hey, hang on. Say, what kind of an evil scheme you got going on there today?
Doofenshmirtz: Well, it isn't so much an evil scheme as much as a childish prank, but I've invented a Mustache-inator! (pause) It gives people big, bushy, ridiculous-looking mustaches. Because, as we all know, there's nothing sillier than a big, bushy... (chuckles nervously) All right, uh, uh... But hey, you know, it looks good on you!

(At an auditorium, Phineas and Ferb are on a stage getting ready to reveal something.)
Phineas: Ladies and gentlemen, today we give you the new face of Totally Tools, (blue curtains opens) Perry the Platypus!
(audience cheers)
Man in audience: Yeah! Nothing says Totally Tools like a platypus in a fedora.
(Montage)

(At Totally Tools Headquarters, where the buildings now all have a billboard on them)
Manager: Boys, this campaign of yours has really put us over the top. What else you got?
Phineas: Well, Ferb came up with an idea for an exploding billboard.
Manager: Brilliant!
(The trio leaves; Perry goes into agent mode, puts on his fedora, and opens a window all while looking to see if they're coming back. He then notices a blimp advertising Totally Tools. Using his grappling hook, he hitches a ride on the blimp.)
Boy: Hey, look! It's a Totally Tools publicity stunt.
Man: Nothing says Totally Tools like a platypus in a fedora hanging from a blimp!
(Perry jumps then falls into a chimney pipe.)

(Perry's lair; he enters it through a tube and lands on his chair. Monogram is back on the monitor and has unsuccessfully shaved his mustache off.)
Major Monogram: Oh, hello, Agent P. We have a situation. With all these new billboards up all over town, you've become too recognizable to be a secret agent. So we had to send Agent S to Doofenshmirtz's in your place. I'm sorry, but you're going to have to go on hiatus until your 15 minutes of fame are up.
(Perry salutes then sadly walks away)

(Back at Totally Tools Headquarters)
Manager: I gotta tell you, boys, our president, Tom Totally, thinks you're doing such a brilliant job!
(Perry, back in pet mode, walks towards him, Phineas, and Ferb)
He wants you to take the rest of the day off.
Phineas: Sounds great. (at Perry) Oh, there you are, Perry. We can spend the rest of the day with you for a change.

(Song: "Let's Spend Half a Day")
(Hey! Hey!)
I don't wanna sound half-hearted
I think you already know (Know, know)
I couldn't be there when we started
But that was half a day ago (Ago, ago)
We could share half a cheese sandwich
Or take in half a view
Or we could make it halfway through the zoo!
Oh, baby!
Let's take half a day to be together
Let's make half a day last forever
Let's take half a day to make our dreams come true, yeah!
Let's spend half a day with you!
With you! (Whoo!)
Yeah you! (Hey! Hey!)
With you!

(D.E.I.; Doofenshmirtz's lying on a couch pretending to use the Mustache-inator)
Doofenshmirtz: Pew! A handlebar. Pew! A pencil thin. Pew! Fu Manchu!
(knocking on door)
Well, now, who could that be? All right, already! (walks to the door) This better be important, or you are gonna get such a mustache...
(door gets knocked down)
(exclaims fearfully) Wait a minute. (pulls out magnifying glass from lab coat) Hmm, what do we have here? Oh, no, it's Sergei the Snail!
(Doofenshmirtz then proceeds to use a trap door and a cage, but with no luck.)
Hmm, well, this should be easy. You've fallen for my trap! (cackles) Huh? You may have survived that trap, but let's you escape the cage! Ha-ha! Oh, for Pete's sake! Will nothing stop you?

(Meanwhile, Candace and Mandy are at the park trying out a contraption)
Candace: Okay, this is quite a jump from group affirmations. How is this contraption supposed to help me resist the urge to bust my brothers?
Mandy: It's a positive reinforcement machine. When you ignore your busting impulses, you get a reward. Let's try it out.
You go out in your backyard and find that your brothers have built a rocket ship. What do you do?
Candace: Well, I'm just gonna... I ignore it?
Automated voice: Ooh! Who's a good girl? You are the good girl. Yes, you are.

(D.E.I.; Sergei the Snail is now trapped in a ring of salt)
Doofenshmirtz: There! That ought to hold you. Lucky thing Mrs. Thompson had some salt I could borrow. (chuckles) Yeah. Yeah, consider yourself "a salted". Ah, man, I'm writing that one down. And now, to business. See that guy there with the beard?
(Camera pans to a man reading a newspaper on a nearby bench. Doofenshmirtz fires the Mustache-inator and the man now has a mustache.)
Pew! (cackles) Actually, that was kind of a letdown.

(At the park, Phineas is holding back a red ball)
Phineas: Fetch the ball, Perry!
(Phineas throws the ball and Perry follows it to a tree. Just then, the wrist communicator on Perry's left wrist beeps. Perry quickly goes into agent mode then hides behind the tree.)
Major Monogram: (on wrist communicator) Agent P, Doof found Agent S's weakness. We need you to drop everything and return to duty.
(Perry looks around the tree, then there's a close-up of Monogram giving the sad puppy look)
I know we gave you some time off, but could you please come back in to work? (pleading) Please? (normal voice) I can't hold my eyes like this much longer.
(Perry puts his fedora back on, narrows his eyes, and then runs off)

(Back with Mandy and Candace...)
Mandy: Now, Candace, your brothers have issued a gold-based currency which has seriously devalued the euro. What do you do?
Candace: (laughs) I do nothing!
Automated voice: You are the good girl, yes, you are!
Candace: Wow, you were right. This is quite a machine. Where did you get it, anyway?
Mandy: Phineas and Ferb made it for... (covers her mouth with a hand)
Candace: What did you say?
Mandy: N-n-n-nothing. (screams)
Candace: Phineas and Ferb, why do you always build these things? It's impossible to bust you for everything! It's not my job! Not my job! (realizes) Not my job?
Mandy: Candace, you had your breakthrough! (hugs Candace) I'm so proud of you.

(Back at D.E.I.; close-up of Doofenshmirtz holding the Mustache-inator)
Doofenshmirtz: Ha! Did you see that? I just put a mustache on that dog's...
(Camera pans to Perry with arms akimbo standing next to the trapped Sergei the Snail.)
(gasps) Perry the Platypus, you're back!
(Camera pans back to Doofenshmirtz.)
What a guy! Not so famous you can't stop by to trounce an old nemesis, are you, huh? But you can't!
(Doofenshmirtz walks to Perry and Agent S holding a manual)
It's against the O.W.C.A. by-laws. (puts on reading glasses)
(While Doofenshmirtz continues talking, Perry frees Sergei the Snail from the salt trap. The snail agent then makes his way towards the evil scientist.)
And I quote, "No additional agents are allowed to thwart any single evil scientist if said first agent assigned is still well and able to carry out his duties." And though surrounded by salt, Sergei the Snail is technically still "on duty," so as long as I have him trapped, you can't touch me! It's all here in black and... Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
(Despite his size, Agent S proceeds to use some martial arts skills on Doofenshmirtz.)
(after hitting a wall) Ow, that snail is dynamite!

(At a bus stop, Candace, Mandy, Anne, Sunisa and Danielle are in a huddle.)
Candace: Well, ladies, thanks for everything.
(A bus with a Totally Tools billboard on it pulls up to the bus stop)
I feel like... (notices billboards) Uh, Perry? Perry? Perry? .... Oh, my gosh, the boys have created an enormous ad campaign around our pet platypus!
Mandy: Uh-oh.
Candace: (inhales deeply) Sisters, I know what you're thinking, but rest assured, this new Candace that you see before you will not react like the crazed little girl that crawled in here just this morning.
Mandy: Good for you, Candace!
Candace: For now, I am, and will always be, an older sister who is positive and mature.
Mandy: That's right, Candace.
Candace: And I am absolutely 100% positive that I have to bust my brothers. I can see it in your eyes! You know I'm right! Sisters, will we bust our brothers?
Mandy: Yes!
All: Yes, we will!
Candace: Sisters, repeat after me. Bust! Bust! Bust...
All: Bust! Bust! Bust!.... (repeats)
(Candace gets on the bus, which then drives away)
Mandy: (stops chanting, realizing something) Whoa, whoa, whoa! What just happened?

(At D.E.I., Agent S finally has Doofenshmirtz "pinned" down on the floor)
Doofenshmirtz: Just for the record, Perry the Platypus, I was thwarted by Sergei the Snail, not you! You don't get any credit for this.
(Camera pans to Perry, who just used the Mustache-inator)
Hey, what are you doing?
(Mustaches appears on all the Totally Tools billboards)

(At Perry's lair, Monogram is once again on the monitor, this time playing with his lip)
Carl: Uh, sir, you're playing with your lip again.
Major Monogram: Oh, I can't help it, Carl. I miss the old duster.
(A ray from the Mustache-inator zaps the monitor and his trademark mustache appears on it)
What the..? (at Carl) Hey, Carl! It's back! Look how great it... (moves; realizes the mustache isn't on his face) Oh. (taps the screen) Oh, doggone it!

(Back at D.E.I.)
Doofenshmirtz: Well, that was interesting. You defaced yourself. (pause) I didn't see that coming. To be honest, you have lost me completely.
(Perry uses the Mustache-inator again and a ray zaps a mustache on Doofenshmirtz's face)
Hey! (stammering) Wow, I look just like my grandfather, Jose Doofenshmirtz. I mentioned him before. It's... it's a weird story. I'll tell you later. You know, after I shave.
(Perry uses a wrench to destroy the Mustache-inator)
Hey, what are you...
(Perry then leaves using his hang-glider.)
Oh, curse you, Perry the Mustachioed Tool Spokespus!

(At Totally Tools Headquarters)
Manager: But, Mr. Totally, I have no idea who put those mustaches on those posters. It wasn't my fault!
Mr. Totally: I want every one of these ad torn down totally! They're mocking me!
Manager: Yes, sir. Yes, sir, all torn down. Brilliant! (crashes) Trash can!

(Just after Candace left the bus and runs toward home, a crane comes to remove all the billboards. She barely notices as she runs)
Candace: Oh, they are so busted!

(She reaches home to notice a giant billboard)
Okay, how she missed that one is beyond me.

(In the attic...)
Mom! Mom! Mom!
(Linda, in full Scottish clothing, is playing the bagpipes while Lawrence, wearing a kilt and inflatable legs, dances a reel. The inflatable legs pop, much to Linda's surprise.)
Linda: Well, I guess that answered the inflatable legs question. (at Candace) Now, what is it, Candace?

(Candace drags Linda down the stairs and pushes her out the door)
Candace: Look and see for yourself! You won't believe it!
Linda: Candace...

(Outside)
Candace: Okay, now, look up there! (points toward the billboard, head turned away)
Linda: I'm astonished.
Candace: Yes! Finally!!
Linda: "Nothing says Totally Tools like a snail in a fedora."
(Camera cuts to show the giant billboard with Sergei the Snail on it in place of Perry. Throughout the next line, Candace turns and sees it, her mouth drops in horror.)
It makes me want to run right out and buy some tools. (at Candace) Now, if you'll excuse me, I had better get back to the attic before your father blows up another pair... (Inflatable legs burst off camera) Oops, too late. (runs off) I'm coming, dear! And I have the patch kit.
(Camera centers on Candace as she stays where she is, mouth open, dumbfounded)

End credits[]

(Song: "Let's Spend Half a Day")
Oh, baby!
Let's take half a day to be together
Let's make half a day last forever
Let's take half a day to make our dreams come true, yeah!
Let's spend half a day with you!
With you! (Whoo!)
Yeah you! (Hey! Hey!)
With you!

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"My Fair Goalie"
Episode transcripts Next:
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v - e - dEpisode transcripts
Season 1
"Rollercoaster" | "Lawn Gnome Beach Party of Terror" | "Flop Starz" | "The Fast and the Phineas"
"Lights, Candace, Action!" | "Raging Bully" | "Candace Loses Her Head" | "I, Brobot"
"Run Away Runway" | "The Magnificent Few" | "S'Winter" | "Jerk De Soleil" | "Are You My Mummy?"
"Ready for the Bettys" | "I Scream, You Scream" | "Toy to the World" | "Get That Bigfoot Outa My Face!"
"It's a Mud, Mud, Mud, Mud World" | "Mom's Birthday" | "Journey to the Center of Candace"
"It's About Time!" | "Dude, We're Getting the Band Back Together" | "Tree to Get Ready"
"The Ballad of Badbeard" | "Greece Lightning" | "Leave the Busting to Us!" | "Crack That Whip"
"The Best Lazy Day Ever" | "Boyfriend From 27,000 B.C." | "Voyage to the Bottom of Buford"
"A Hard Day's Knight" | "Traffic Cam Caper" | "Bowl-R-Ama Drama" | "Got Game?" | "Comet Kermillian"
"Put That Putter Away" | "Does This Duckbill Make Me Look Fat?" | "The Flying Fishmonger"
"One Good Scare Ought to Do It!" | "The Monster of Phineas-n-Ferbenstein" | "Oil on Candace"
"Out of Toon" | "Hail Doofania!" | "Out to Launch" | "Phineas and Ferb Get Busted!"
"Unfair Science Fair" | "Unfair Science Fair Redux (Another Story)"
Season 2
"The Lake Nose Monster" | "Interview With a Platypus" | "Tip of the Day" | "Attack of the 50 Foot Sister"
"Backyard Aquarium" | "Day of the Living Gelatin" | "Elementary My Dear Stacy" | "Don't Even Blink"
"Chez Platypus" | "Perry Lays an Egg" | "Gaming the System" | "The Chronicles of Meap"
"Thaddeus and Thor" | "De Plane! De Plane!" | "Let's Take a Quiz" | "At the Car Wash"
"Oh, There You Are, Perry" | "Swiss Family Phineas" | "Hide and Seek" | "That Sinking Feeling"
"The Baljeatles" | "Vanessassary Roughness" | "No More Bunny Business" | "Spa Day"
"Phineas and Ferb Musical Cliptastic Countdown" | "Phineas and Ferb's Quantum Boogaloo"
"Bubble Boys" | "Isabella and the Temple of Sap" | "Cheer Up Candace" | "Fireside Girl Jamboree"
"The Bully Code" | "Finding Mary McGuffin" | "Picture This" | "Nerdy Dancin'" | "What Do It Do?"
"Atlantis" | "Phineas and Ferb Christmas Vacation!" | "Just Passing Through" | "Candace's Big Day"
"I Was a Middle Aged Robot" | "Suddenly Suzy" | "Undercover Carl" | "Hip Hip Parade"
"Invasion of the Ferb Snatchers" | "Ain't No Kiddie Ride" | "Not Phineas and Ferb"
"Phineas and Ferb-Busters!" | "The Lizard Whisperer" | "Robot Rodeo" | "The Beak" | "She's the Mayor"
"The Lemonade Stand" | "Phineas and Ferb Hawaiian Vacation" | "Nerds of a Feather" | "Wizard of Odd"
"We Call it Maze" | "Ladies and Gentlemen, Meet Max Modem!" | "The Secret of Success"
"The Doof Side of the Moon" | "Split Personality" | "Brain Drain" | "Rollercoaster: The Musical!"
"Make Play" | "Candace Gets Busted"
Season 3
"The Great Indoors" | "Canderemy" | "Run, Candace, Run" | "Last Train to Bustville"
"Phineas' Birthday Clip-O-Rama!" | "The Belly of the Beast" | "Moon Farm" | "Ask a Foolish Question"
"Misperceived Monotreme" | "Candace Disconnected" | "Magic Carpet Ride" | "Bad Hair Day"
"Meatloaf Surprise" | "Phineas and Ferb Interrupted" | "A Real Boy" | "Mommy Can You Hear Me?"
"Road Trip" | "Tour de Ferb" | "Skiddley Whiffers" | "My Fair Goalie" | "Bullseye!" | "That's the Spirit"
"The Curse of Candace" | "Escape from Phineas Tower" | "Lotsa Latkes" | "Ferb Latin"
"A Phineas and Ferb Family Christmas" | "Tri-Stone Area" | "Doof Dynasty" | "Excaliferb"
"Phineas and Ferb and the Temple of Juatchadoon" | "Monster from the Id" | "Gi-Ants"
"The Remains of the Platypus" | "Mom's in the House" | "Perry The Actorpus" | "Let's Bounce"
"Bully Bromance Breakup" | "Quietest Day Ever" | "‎‎The Doonkelberry Imperative" | "Meapless in Seattle"
"Delivery of Destiny" | "Buford Confidential" | "The Mom Attractor" | "Cranius Maximus" | "Agent Doof"
"Minor Monogram" | "What A Croc!" | "Sleepwalk Surprise" | "Sci-Fi Pie Fly" | "Sipping with the Enemy"
"Tri-State Treasure: Boot of Secrets" | "Doofapus" | "Norm Unleashed" | "Where's Perry?"
"Where's Perry? (Part Two)" | "Ferb TV" | "When Worlds Collide" | "What'd I Miss?" | "Road to Danville"
"This Is Your Backstory" | "Blackout!"
Season 4
"For Your Ice Only" | "Happy New Year!" | "Fly On the Wall" | "Bully Bust" | "My Sweet Ride"
"Der Kinderlumper" | "Sidetracked" | "Primal Perry" | "Mind Share" | "Backyard Hodge Podge"
"Bee Day" | "Bee Story" | "Great Balls Of Water" | "Where's Pinky?"
"Phineas and Ferb Musical Cliptastic Countdown Hosted by Kelly Osbourne"
"Knot My Problem" | "Just Desserts" | "La Candace-Cabra" | "Happy Birthday, Isabella"
"Love at First Byte" | "One Good Turn" | "Thanks But No Thanks" | "Troy Story" | "Druselsteinoween"
"Terrifying Tri-State Trilogy of Terror" | "Face Your Fear" | "Cheers for Fears" | "Steampunx"
"Just Our Luck" | "Return Policy" | "Live and Let Drive" | "Father's Day" | "Imperfect Storm"
"The Return of the Rogue Rabbit" | "It's No Picnic" | "The Klimpaloon Ultimatum"
"Operation Crumb Cake" | "Mandace" | "Lost in Danville" | "The Inator Method"
"Tales from the Resistance: Back to the 2nd Dimension" | "Doof 101" | "Act Your Age"
Season 5
"Summer Block Buster" | "Cloudy with a Chance of Mom" | "Appetite for Adventure" | "License to Bust"
"Dry Another Day" | "Deconstructing Doof" | "Tropey McTropeface" | "Biblio-Blast!" | "A Chip to the Vet"
"More Than an Intern" | "The Aurora Perry-Alis" | "Agent T (For Teen)" | "The Haberdasher"
"The Candace Suit" | "Out of Character" | "Meap Me in St. Louis"
Specials
Original Pitch | "Phineas and Ferb: Summer Belongs to You!" | "Phineas and Ferb: Mission Marvel"
"Phineas and Ferb Save Summer" | "Phineas and Ferb: Star Wars" | "Night of the Living Pharmacists"
"Last Day of Summer" | "O.W.C.A. Files" | "The Phineas and Ferb Effect"
Films
Across the 2nd Dimension | Candace Against the Universe
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