Act I

Jim Cummings: Episode IVa: "May The Ferb Be With You". On the Desert planet of Tatooine lived two happy young moisture farmers...

Jeff "Swampy" Marsh: Uh, uh, can -- can -- excuse me, can you do it faster?
Jim Cummings: What? What? (The crawl stops.) Faster?
Dan Povenmire: Yeah, and funnier, if possible.
Jim Cummings: Oh, faster? Okay. (The crawl reverses.) Um...all right, uh... (inhales)
(The crawl starts playing again.)
Jim Cummings: (faster, talking like the Tasmanian Devil) Episode IVa: "May The Ferb Be With You". On the Desert planet of Tatooine...
Dan and Swampy:  Uhm uh, yeah, yeah, no, no.
(The crawl stops again.)
Jim Cummings: (normal voice) What? What?
Jeff "Swampy" Marsh: Forget the funnier.
Dan Povenmire: Yeah, just go faster.
(The crawl reverses again.)
Jim Cummings: All right...
(The crawl plays once more.)
Jim Cummings: Episode IVa: "May The Ferb Be With You". On the Desert planet of Tatooine lived two happy young moisture farmers, who had absolutely no plans of leaving or getting involved in any kind of intergalactic shenanigans. Unbeknownst to them the Galactic Empire had recently finished constructing its ultimate weapon, the DEATH STAR. Bum-bum-bum!
Jeff "Swampy" Marsh: (laughs) Sounds creepy like that.
Dan Povenmire: That's good, I like it.

Jim Cummings: Thanks. Yeah, it was capitalized. (reading) Meanwhile, having learned the whereabouts of the Death Star's plans, the rebels send their best platypus agent to obtain them, in hopes of finding a weakness. And none of this is canon, so just relax.
(The Stormtroopers happen upon one of the office Stormtroopers looking at a scantily-clad Twi'lek on his computer.)
Office Stormtrooper 2: Oh, uh, uh, it's work-related.
Candace: Finally some real Rebel-busting! (takes off helmet) This is why I joined the Empire in the first place.

Baljeet: I am so excited, I can hardly contain myself!
Buford: I toldja ta go before the raid!

Baljeet: That is not what I meant! But now that you mention it...
Candace: SOCKS?!?!?! This is a total waste of my potential! (frustrated grunt)
Buford: Not me. This is about where I peak.
Leia: Agent P, I need you to make sure this R2 unit goes to Obi-Wan Kenobi on Tatooine. But first, I need to record a video message. Be a dear and stand over by the bulkhead. You're kinda in my shot. (Perry walks away.)
Buford: So what color socks do you think think he wants?

Baljeet: Uh, black?

Buford: I'm just sayin', ev'rything the guy owns is black!
Baljeet: Huh, we are never gonna get those socks, are we?

Buford: Hey, I found a pair of socks.
Baljeet: Where?
Buford: Right here! (punches Baljeet)
Baljeet: Ow!
Buford: Don't be a baby, you're wearin' armor!

Baljeet: But it is plastic.
Candace: Commander, Commander, there's a Rebel in a dress recording something into a droid!

C.O.: Ooh! By chance, was this droid distributing socks of any kind?
C.O.: Then it's none of your concern. Is it? Back on sock detail!

Candace: (growls)
Buford: Me? I'm an argyle man.
Baljeet: Huh, I would not think that from looking at you.
Imperial Officer 2: There goes another one.

Imperial Officer 3: Hold your fire. There's no life forms. It must have short-circuited.
Imperial Officer 2: (yawns and stretches) Coffee?

Imperial Officer 3: Yeah! Let's get some of that Sith Roast.
Candace: (offscreen) They got away! (The Stormtroopers run in.) We've got to follow them! C'mon, we'll take the other escape pod!

Baljeet: Um, Candace?
Candace: What?
Baljeet: (to the tune of the Imperial March) Socks, socks, socks, socks so-socks, socks, so-socks!
Candace: Look, if we catch those two droids, we'll be promoted off of sock detail. Let's drift!

Baljeet: Technically, we will not be drifting. More like violent ejection, plummeting through the atmosphere and crashing onto the planet's surface.
Imperial Officer 3: Mmmm, that's good coffee. Did you know this was decaf?
Imperial Officer 2: Huh, I could not tell.
Darthenshmirtz: How do you like that, Norm? My beautiful invention floating out here in space and do you think I get any credit for it?

Norm-3PO: Your invention, sir?
Darthenshmirtz: Well, yeah. I designed it to be a nutcracker. Here, l-l-look. Look at this. (He uses a model Death Star to crack a nut with a laser and eats it.) See? It works just fine. But the Empire took my idea and made it so big, it's completely impractical! A-A walnut would be totally obliterated!
Norm-3PO: The universe is cruel and unjust.
Darthenshmirtz: Well, when they see my new invention, they'll be singin' a diff'rent tune! All I need is to get my hands on a little bit of Force to get it up and running. But where am I gonna find some extra Force?
Norm-3PO: The Force surrounds us. It penetrates us. It binds the galaxy—

Darthenshmirtz: Yes, yes, I've seen the bumper sticker.

Act II

Baljeet; Actually, I joined the Empire by accident. I was trying to sign up for a physics camp.
Buford: Physics camp? Yeah, you're better off.
Candace: I mean, why am I still on sock detail when Gladys from Accounting got promoted to Commander, and she doesn't even know how to hold a blaster? No, I mean, really, she failed that part of the exam four times. She held it backwards and upside down. But no, she's a second cousin of some midlevel Darth, and so she gets a promotion? What about me?

If they would just open their eyes, they'd see that I've got everything it takes, I could be the stormiest Stormtrooper evaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!
Buford: Ya feelin' better?

Candace: Yeah. Thanks.
Stormtrooper 4: Look, sir, droids!
C.O.: No, this is a bathtub stopper.
Stormtrooper 5: Look sir, a magic flute!
C.O.: (puts his head in hand) No, that's a stick!
Linda: So, what's on the list? Another day filled with big plans? (read the list) "Herd all the nerfs into Beggar's Canyon, teach the sarlaac to brush his teeth, and giving a bantha a shower." That's awfully ambitious!
Linda: Don't you boys ever want to see the rest of the galaxy?

Phineas: Not really. We've got everything we want right here on Tatooine. Sand, womp rats, brothers, and banthas. Why would anyone want to leave?
(They exit.)
Lawrence: Wait'll they see there's no girls on this planet!

Linda: Lawrence!
Darthenshmirtz: Norm, bring all my gear down to my lair.

Norm-3PO: You mean the abandoned recycling compartment?

Darthenshmirtz: It's a lair!
Darthenshmirtz: Oh, ooh, Darth Vader! Hey, I know that guy! It's Darth Vader. Hey! (runs up to him) Hey, w-wait up, wait up! (knocks over a droid) Phew! Darth Vader! Hey look! Eh, I'm Darthenshmirtz! (trips) I'm not sure if you remember me, the Doof Star, the little nutcracker thing. And then you sorta stole my plans. (trips again) Anyway, I gotta new invention, and it's gonna knock your socks off! (trips again) I'm wondering if you could, uh, spare a little Force. I thought maybe you had a little extra lying around— (Bumps into a couple of Stormtroopers) Okay, uh, good talk.
C-3PO: Now I'm taking another oil bath. And I don't want to be disturbed. (goes down an elevator platform) Ahhh.
(Phineas sees the Leia hologram from R2-D2)
Phineas: Oh, cool! A movie.


Phineas: Okay, Mom! See ya later!

Linda: (offscreen) Don't forget your two-sun sunscreen.

Phineas: Way ahead of ya, Mom!
Phineas: (offscreen) You're right, Ferb. And Luke's with them! Inside a—

Tusken Raider: (growls)
Phineas: Whoa! (cut to reveal it's only Ferb playing with a puppet) Oh, you got me!

Ferb: (speaks Tusken and plays with the puppet)
Phineas: Wow! It's an Imperial battle station the size of a moon! And according to these schematics, it seems to be designed specifically to destroy entire planets! Whoa, I-I never imagined the Empire would go that far! (Ferb points) Huh, you're right, Ferb. One proton torpedo in that small exhaust port and the whole thing goes blammo!

Blatto: Uh, it's like it's got a self-destruct button. What kind of idiot would design that?
(Cutaway to Darthenshmirtz at a water fountain to answer his question.)

Darthenshmirtz: Oh, why can't I master this?
Phineas: Wait, if the Rebels have this information, they might stand a chance against this thing. A small one-man fighter could penetrate the outer defense, fly along that trench, and get to the exhaust port.
Blatto: Hey, spoiler alert!!
Stormtrooper 6: Oh, crud, this is going to mean nothing but paperwork.
Cantina MC: Alright, Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes! Not a bad set, guys. Only one death and one dismemberment. Not bad for a Wednesday.
Ponda Baba: (speaks Aqualish)
Cornelius Evazan: I don't like him either.
(Cut to two nurses carrying a dead Greedo on a stretcher.)
Nurse: Someone said he shot first, but I coulda sworn it was the other guy.
Isabella: Oh, great. What do you farm boys want?

Phineas: I'm Phineas and this is my brother, Ferb. We understand you're a pretty good pilot.
Isabella: For a price.
Phineas: Well, we have a very important disc we need to get to someone who just blasted out of Docking Bay 94.
Isabella: I know whose ship that is.
Phineas: Whose?
Isabella: Han Solo.
Vanessa: So low...
Isabella: Solo's been a thorn in my side for years. My ship, the Centennial Chihuahua, was on pace to finish the Kessel Run in eleven parsecs, and that nerf-herder cut me off!
Vanessa: I'm feelin' so low
Isabella: Everybody loves Solo! Twelve parsecs! If I ever hear his name again, I'll just—
Vanessa: So low, so low, so low, so low...
So low, so low...
Isabella: Would you two excuse me? (Isabella fires her blaster and we hear Vanessa groan.) Yeah, we should probably get going.
(Cut to the stage to reveal that Isabella actually shot Vanessa's microphone.)

Vanessa: Well!
Isabella: Here's my ship, the Centennial Chihuahua.

Phineas: Why'd you call it the Chihuahua?
Isabella: It's personal.
Phineas: Seems weird you'd call it something you didn't wanna be asked about.

Isabella: You're right. It was a call for attention.
Candace: Fire the cannon!

Baljeet: I think the barrel end slides in here.

Buford: But then the scope is on the bottom! That's not right!
Buford: (to Baljeet) And you thought we were gonna die in space.
Phineas: Gosh, Ferb. Our planet looks so small from here.

Isabella: First time in space?
Phineas: Well, yeah, now that you mentioned it.
Isabella: (rubs off the "planet" to reveal it's just dirt) Yeah, your planet's over here.

Phineas: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Isabella: You might want to buckle up. I'm makin' the jump to hyperspace!

(The ship goes to lightspeed. Phineas and Ferb crash into the windshield.)

Phineas: A little more warning would be nice.
Darthenshmirtz: Hey, check it out, Norm-3PO. According to this real estate website, my time share on Alderaan is worth, like, 10 times more than I paid for it six years ago! Oh, I knew the value would go up! It's just, it's such a peaceful place to.. (Alderaan gets destroyed by the Death Star in the background.) Wait, what? What's this? The value is totally dropping!! Zero?!?!
Phineas: Ferb and I can reroute their current to double up your power supply.
Isabella: Just keep your paws off my ship! (beat, takes out a notepad) Reroute thermal couplings.
Phineas: I wonder what our family and friends are doing back on Tatooine. It feels a little strange to be so far from them. But at least we're making new friends. Like you, Isabella.
Isabella: This is not a friendship, it's a spaceship! So don't invade mine!
Isabella: As promised, the Millennium Falcon. I should be able to catch him before he gets to that small moon.
Phineas: That's no moon.

Act IV

Isabella: This had better work or you two are floating home!

Phineas: I don't think we can float all the way home. I mean, we wouldn't survive 15 seconds in the cold vacuum of spa—

Isabella: It's a figure of speech!
Isabella: Okay, let's see if it fools them. (speaks in a "New Jersey" accent) Uh, Dockin' Bay control, ya got us cott in a track-ta beam heeyuh! Ya guys want donuts or not?

Imperial Officer Jeff: Oh, shoot! Disengaging tractor beam. (he shuts it off) Deliveries are in Docking Bay 427. You're clear to land. (to Dan) So, donuts?
Imperial Officer Dan: Does Darth Vader wear a funny hat?
Imperial Officer Jeff: Dude!
Imperial Officer Dan: Oh, relax, he can't hear us all the way down— (Gets choked)
Imperial Officer Jeff: Oh, no! I didn't!
Imperial Officer Dan: Ha ha! Gotcha!

Imperial Officer Jeff: (grunts)
Candace: Uh, Buford, I'm gonna ask you a question and I want you to think very hard before you answer.
Buford: Thinking is always hard.
Vader: I find your lack of socks disturbing.
Stormtrooper 6: Hello? Are you open yet?

Stormtrooper 7: Hope they have the old-fashioned. Those are my favorites.
Isabella: I can't believe that worked!
Phineas: I feel guilty, though. Maybe we should get them some donuts.

Darthenshmirtz: There ought to be enough residual Force in Vader's garbage here to power it up for, y'know at least one shot.

Norm-3PO: One man's trash is another man's bad idea.

Darthenshmirtz: Just put the garbage in the chute, Mr. Wisendroider!
Darthenshmirtz: Ah, ah, look, Norm, you see? You put a big red "X" on the floor, people will stand there! (A trap door opens under Perry and he drops down and gets frozen in carbonite.) Human nature! Or, in this case, platypus nature.
Phineas: Split up? Really?

Isabella: Just do what you need to do fast and meet us at the Falcon!

Phineas: May the Force be with you and all that stuff.
Norm-3PO: (applauding) Very good, sir! That was better than rehearsal!
Darthenshmirtz: Alright, stay close to your comlinks, ladies, and, if all goes well, I'll have a victory number in the fourth act.
Darthenshmirtz: (to Perry the Rebelpus) But first, I'm gonna shoot you just to make sure it's safe and, uh, y'know, I don't...die or fry myself and have to wear one of those masks like Vader, cuz that would not be a good look for me.
Darthenshmirtz: Wait right here, Perry the Rebelpus. We'll be right back to turn you to the Dark Side, too, and then you, me, and...this kid in the cloak, I guess, can be the Three Sith-keteers!

Norm-3PO: Who can I be, sir?

Darthenshmirtz: You can be the horse.

Act V

Han Solo: We're all right now...

Candace: TK-90210 reporting for duty, sir!
Imperial Officer 5: Just a minute.
Han: Uh, how are you?

Imperial Officer 6: Oh, tell him I'm doing great.
Imperial Officer 5: Who is this? What's your operating number? (Han blasts the comlink and it short circuits.)
Imperial Officer 6: Aw, I was just getting into that conversation!
Candace: Finally, some real action!

Imperial Officer 5: Ah-dadadadadda! I need you to stay here and guard this post!
Candace: But but but...
Imperial Officer 5: That's an order!

Candace: Oh, bantha droppings!
Candace: Serious trooper. (takes mask off seriously, then puts it back on) Happy trooper! (takes helmet off and smiles, puts it back on) Enigmatic trooper. (takes helmet off and looks enigmatic, puts it back on) Sad trooper...
Candace: Hey, that's coming out of my salary!
Darthenshmirtz: Come here, boy, come here, that's it. Come on. (The dianoga swims up to him) That's it. Now, now, whatta ya got for Papa there? Ooh, is that Darth Vader's inhaler? Nice! Now we're talkin'! And what's this? This looks like a perferctly good bantha-cheese hoagie. Well, it's not good anymore. It's been underwater. Wow! According to this, it's reeking with Dark Force! Vader must've touched it. Put it in here. What else have you got for me? (The dianoga takes Luke.) That's not trash, dummy, that's a guy! Just put him back, I've got enough. Man, you can lead a dianoga to garbage but you can't make him think.

(Cut to outside. Doof walks out with the bag.)
Darthenshmirtz: Uh-uh-uh! Don't forget to flush!
Luke: (offscreen) The walls are moving!
Leia: (offscreen) Don't just stand there! Try and brace it with something!

Darthenshmirtz: Man, someone needs to oil that thing.
Darthenshmirtz: Okay, come on, Norm-3PO, let's go make some Sith happen.
Imperial Officer 7: You know, I'm thinking about getting a saxophone.

Imperial Officer Wayne: Huh, good for you.
(Darthenshmirtz and Perry crash through the wall.)
Darthenshmirtz (To Perry): I'd like to see you try that again! (Perry does)
Imperial Officer 7: Uh, should we report that?

Imperial Officer Wayne: I'm not losing my place in line.
Candace: Why would you save me? You're a Rebel.
Phineas: You were in trouble. I couldn't just leave ya hanging...literally.
(A blaster goes off)

Candace: Buford! Watch where you're shooting that thing!
Buford: Seriously! Why don't they put safeties on these blasters?
(He accidentally blasts up and a Stormtrooper falls to his death.)
Buford: Sorry, my bad!

Stormtrooper 8: Hey, don't worry about it! I'm planning on hitting the wall and sliding down until I catch onto a radio antenna! Oh no! Wait, that's Cloud City I'm thinking of! (he crashes through to space) Oh, crud!
Isabella: (to Phineas) You're either really brave or really stupid!
Phineas: Isabella, you've gotta take the disc back to R2. I'll go find Ferb.

Isabella: If I leave, I am not coming back!
Phineas: Fine. Just make sure you deliver the disc to the R2 unit.
Isabella: How do you know I won't just go back to Tatooine?
Phineas: (running off) I trust you!

Isabellla: Remember that "brave or stupid" thing? I know which one it is!
Phineas: What is that? It looks like it was built by... (A cloaked figure drops down. Phineas knows who it could be.) Ferb?

(Ferb takes the hood off his cloak to reveal he now has Darth Maul-style makeup on his face.)

Phineas: Cool face paint!

Act VI

Rebel Officer 1: Oh no!

Rebel Officer 2: What?
Rebel Officer 1: The disc is gone! The one with the thing for blowing up the Death Star!
Rebel Officer 2: Are you kidding me?
Rebel Officer 1: It's supposed to be right here!
Rebel Officer 2: This is not happening! No no no! We are so dead!
Rebel Officer 1: Is it right there? Is ti on the floor? Maybe it fell out of the flight deck. Okay. Okay, I know. We'll blame Jar Jar.
R2-D2: [beeps]
Rebel Officer 2: Jar Jar Bi— That's a terrible idea! He retired, like, 20 years ago!
Rebe Officer 1: Hey, it's not like we have a lot of options here.
Rebel Officer 2: Okay, let's do this. You go get a thermal detonator, and we'll put it right back here on the...
Rebel Officer 1: NO! How is that better than my Jar Jar idea?
Isabella: Yo, tech support. Got something for ya.
Rebel Officer 2: (takes the disc) Oh my gosh! Thank you!
Rebel Officer 1: Yes, thank you! You saved our lives! (chuckles) Whoa, that was a close one, huh? Hey, where do you think she found it?

Rebel Officer 2: Hey, man, never look a gift tauntaun in the oral cavity.
Darthenshmirtz: Alright, someone's getting a lightsabering now! Oh, it's, uh, just a flashlight. I must have left my lightsaber in the camping equipment. (holds flashlight under his chin) Ooh, ooh, look, I'm scary—whatever.
Phineas: Ferb, this isn't you! We're brothers!
Phineas: Oh, we're allowing modifications, huh? Gimme a sec.
Candace: Um, I was just thinking, we're the good guys, right?

Baljeet: Yes, I believe so.
Buford: That's what they told us durin' the brainwashin'.
Baljeet: Orientation, Buford!

Buford: Potato, tomato.
Baljeet: Of course. The Rebels are always the bad guys.

Buford: What about Robin Hood?

Baljeet: That has not happened yet!
Candace: And didn't we just blow up a planet?
Baljeet: Hmm, yes, that is sort of difficult to justify...morally.
Darthenshmirtz: (maniacal laughter) You're over there and I'm over here and never the twain shall meet. So I guess you're just gonna have to give up. (Perry takes a grappling hook out of his uniform.) Oh, I-I see, you're gonna swing across like a monkey-man. (pounds on his chest) Hoo-hoo-hoo! Me swingy-swingy monkey-man! Go ahead, knock yourself out. There's no way you got enough cable to reach that. (The grappling hook latches onto Doof's uniform.) Oh, I see what you were trying to— Yaaah! (Both Perry and Doof fall and get caught on another platform.) Ow! No no no! (They crash through a wall.)
Gretchen: Hey, look! It's Isabella! Isabella, you've joined the Rebellion?

Isabella: Not by a long shot.
Gretchen: Well, you should. You're a great pilot. We need you, the odds are stacked against us. The Empire has everything, a Death Star, highly-trained troops, Darth Vader. And we're just a ragtag bunch of undertrained good-intentioned Rebels. And to be perfectly honest, Isabella, we're kids. We are actual children, and they're letting us fly fighters. That's how hopeless the situation actually is. So, you wanna help us?
Isabella: Strangely, still no. (She leaves them.)
Porkins: (offscreen) Worst rallying speech ever!

Gretchen: Shut up, Porkins!
Isabella: What happened, Solo? Garbage scow tip over and dumped you here?

Han: What are you doing here, Isabella? Did someone run out of cupcakes?

Isabella: Very funny.
Isabella: I'm not in this to make friends.

Han: Yeah. Obviously.
Isabella: What do you mean by that? I've got friends! I've got plenty of friends!
Han: Yeah? Where are they now?
Isabella: Well...where are yours?
Chewbacca: (growls)

Han: Put a sock in it, fuzzball!
Isabella: Eh, the Wookiee is right.
Darthenshmirtz: (after getting frozen in carbonite) Ow! I've got such an ice cream headache!
Phineas: Don't shoot him! He's my brother!

Candace: Your brother's a Sith warrior?!
Phineas: No. I mean, yes. I's a recent development. Wait, why are you helping me? I'm a Rebel!

Candace: I had to. I couldn't just leave you hanging.
Darthenshmirtz: Hey, you're gonna stretch out the elastic.
Candace: Now I really wish I'd bought the three-pack!
Darthenshmirtz: Oh, man. I really should have ray-shielded that.
(A shadowy figure comes in. He unhoods himself as Buford wearing the now deceased Obi-Wan's robe.)

Buford: Found this perfectly good robe lying around. Has one hole, right here. Hey, look what else I just found! My hoagie!

Baljeet: I would not eat that if I were you.
Darthenshmirtz: You think maybe you could turn this thing over? All the blood's rushing to my head.
Phineas: Hey, it's Luke! They must've got the plans! He should hit that exhaust port no problem. I mean it's as practically as big as a womp rat! (beat) Yeah, we should probably get outta here.
Baljeet: My only regret is that I spent so much time on the wrong side.

Buford: My only regret is that I ate that hoagie.
Phineas: I guess if I have a regret, it's that I never got reunited with my sister. She left Tatooine when I was just a baby.
Candace: Phineas?
Phineas: Candace?
Candace: (hugs her brother) Oh, I can't believe it! You got so big!
Phineas: Candace!
Candace: I didn't even recognize you! Hey, wait a minute, why is this guy hugging us?
Phineas: Oh, this is Ferb. He's our stepbrother.
Candace: Mom remarried? What happened to Dad?
Phineas: (laughs) Funny story actually. He—

(The Death Star is destroyed before he can tell the story, much to the chagrin of Phineas fans everywhere.)
Phineas: Wow, that was close! Thanks for coming back to get us, Isabella.

Isabella: Well, that's what friends are for.
Baljeet: Oh, but what about all those innocent baristas and bank tellers and bowling alley attendants?
Isabella: They're fine. The Firestar Girls got them out earlier.
(Cut to the Firestar Girls' ship.)

Everyone onboard: We're okay!
Major Hologram: Ah, Agent P, with you stopping Darthenshmirtz, and the Rebellion destroying the Death Star, this day will be long remembered. Apparently, there are still copies of the Death Star plans out there so, we still might have a teeny problem there, but, heh, we'll blow up that battle station when we come to it. Hologram out!
Darthenshmirtz: Ha ha! So long, Perry the Platypus! Now I can live to fight in the sequel! (He goes into the escape pod laughing) Eh. I probably should have thought this one through better. I didn't realize the escape pod would be Platypus-sized. Plus, I'm sitting on my keys.


Chewbacca: (growls)
Phineas: The Wookiee is right! Let's party!
Vanessa: All right, boys, let me hear some of that Rebel bass!
Isabella: Hey, farm boy. We're not related, are we?

Phineas: Oh, no, no, no. Not a chance. I only have just the one sister.

Isabella: (pulls him in) Good. (she kisses him and Phineas faints in a daze) Mmmmmwah!
Porkins: (parachuting in) Hey, look, everyone, I'm okay! (crash!)
Gretchen:: Way to ruin the moment, Porkins!

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