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Phineas and Ferb Musical Cliptastic Countdown/Transcript

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Part I

TV Announcer: From the PFT studio in marginally attractive downtown Danville, animated live in front of a studio audience, it's the Phineas and Ferb Musical Cliptastic Countdown! And now, our hosts, from opposite ends of the moral, ethical and philosophical spectrum, Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz and Major Francis Monogram!
Major Monogram: Hello Danville!
Doofenshmirtz: Yes, we're taking a break from our usual hostili—hold on, I've gotta go back one. Your first name is Frances?
Major Monogram: Yes. Spelled with an i.
Doofenshmirtz: "Spelled with an i? Wouldn't that be "Frinces?"
Major Monogram: No, F-R-A-N-C-I-S. It's the masculine spelling.
Doofenshmirtz: Francis?
Major Monogram: Yes. Anyway, we're not here to discuss my name. We're here because kids all over the world logged on to vote for their favorite Phineas and Ferb music videos. And we're countin' 'em down! Starting with number 10. Are ya ready, Dr. D?
Doofenshmirtz: Fran, Frances, Franny. Yes, very macho.
Major Monogram: You see, this is why I just go by "Major".

(Song #10: Ready for the Bettys)
Crash: Ladies and Gentlemen, Candace and her best friend, Stacy.

You gotta bring your Betty Bongos
and bring your Betty bass Guitar
and with the Betty back beat
you'll go Betty Betty far

So drop your boring baggage
and come with Missy, Tink and Crash
There's a Betty (There's a Betty) Bandwagon
Going to a Betty bash (Going to a Betty bash)!

Get ready for the Bettys, ready for the Bettys
Get ready for the Bettys, ready for the Bettys
(Ready for the Bettys)
Get ready for the Bettys, ready for the Bettys

It's the best thing you can do! (Best thing you can do!)
Get ready for the Bettys 'cause the Bettys are ready for you!

Stacy: So what do you think your brothers are doing?
Candace: Who cares?

Major Monogram: So how did you like that one D-man?
Doofenshmirtz: Too loud. Kids today with their rock and roll.
Major Monogram: Well, here's a deaf jam that's really kicking it old school.
Doofenshmirtz: You know that street lingo thing? You can't really pull that off.
Major Monogram: Oh, roll number nine.
Doofenshmirtz: Just telling you as a friend!

(Song #9: Queen of Mars)
Candace: That's it; you're getting it.

I was just a lonely girl
looking for a little fun
though without a friend in the world
I was forced to find a new one

Now I'm the Queen of Mars
I was invisible on Earth
It only took a magic portal to Mars
to give me some self-worth

You put a crown on my head and
you all seem to worship me
You don't understand a word I've said
but you treat me like royalty

'Cause I'm the Queen of Mars
I was invisible on Earth
It only took a magic portal to Mars
To give me some self-worth

(music continues)

Phineas: Whoo-hoo! Follow that music, Ferb.

(Shows Major Monogram with Cindy)
Major Monogram: I'm standing here with Cindy, an animated member of our studio audience.
Irving: (pushes Cindy aside) Phineas and Ferb rock! Wooooo!
Major Monogram: Okay then, let's throw it over to my partner in crime. Not that I would perpetrate a crime with him of course, I'd never... (at Carl) Carl! Who wrote these cue cards?
Carl: Agent M, sir.
(Camera pans to Agent M, who's typing on a typewriter)
Doofenshmirtz: What's that all about? He's using a typewriter. When was the last time you saw someone using a typewriter? What is this, 1987?
Major Monogram: Well...
Doofenshmirtz: You realize that most of the kids watching this show have never even seen a typewriter, right?
Major Monogram: We're on a budget.
Doofenshmirtz: So you went to an antique store...
Major Monogram: Moving on. Number eight; roll tape!
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, so you got tape, you're not just using film, or-or hand shadows...

(Song #8: Ain't Got Rhythm)
Phineas: So, you're saying that you don't have rhythm
but listen what you're doing right there
With that stamp and a book
you got a real nice look
Sounds to me like you've got
rhythm to spare

Sherman "Swampy": I have no idea what you're talking about
I have as much rhythm as that chair
What happened to me was a tragedy
but I don't have to be a millionaire

Look, I got a sweet deal going on here
I got all the books that I can read
All these sweet old ladies and this carpet from the 80's
What more could a librarian need?

Woman: Ssh!

Swampy: Besides, I ain't got rhythm
No, I ain't got rhythm
Said I ain't got rhythm
I ain't got rhythm

Phineas: You're kidding me right, y-you're kidding me
Don't you see what you were doing right then?
That's a wicked groove you were starting to move
Mister, you've got rhythm times ten

Swampy: I think perhaps that you're not listening
I find it tedious to repeat
It's no big crime,
I just can't keep time
I'm telling you I lost the beat

I don't need my face on t-shirts
Or hit a power-chord guitar
They were screaming my name
I guess it's a shame
But I don't need to be a rock star

Besides, I ain't got rhythm
No, I ain't got rhythm
Said I ain't got rhythm
I ain't got rhythm
I ain't got rhythm

Phineas: Sounds like rhythm to me
Swampy: No, I ain't got rhythm
Phineas: Seems like they all agree

Swampy: Said I ain't got rhythm
Phineas: But you're laying down some funky syncopation!
Swampy: I ain't got rhythm
Phineas: But you got that beat

Swampy: No, I ain't got rhythm
Phineas: Look at them, they're stomping their feet
Swampy: Said I ain't got rhythm

Phineas: It's time for you to rock a brand new generation
Library patrons: Brand new generation
Phineas and Swampy: Gonna rock a brand new generation

Swampy: Because I ain't got rhythm!
Woman: Ugh! Would you just go join the band?

(Music style switches to a swing tune)

Library patrons: Ain't got rhythm
Ain't got rhythm
Ain't got rhythm
Ain't got rhythm

(Drum solo)

Swampy: Hey, I got rhythm!

Doofenshmitz: Okay, so I figured I couldn't come here empty-handed, so I brought a little something for all of us to enjoy! Behold, the Music Video Clip-inator!
(Crowd oohs)
Doofenshmirtz: You see, when I was a small boy, my parents would never let me watch music videos...
Major Monogram: No no no! We don't have time for an emotionally scarring back-story.
Doofenshmirtz: Well, maybe I should give you an emotionally scarring front-story!
(Doofenshmirtz walks off)
Major Monogram: Okay, that doesn't even make any sense.
(Camera pans out to show Doofenshmirtz in a monster truck)
Doofenshmirtz: It doesn't have to, I got a monster truck! Wooohooo!
(Drives off, Monogram stares for a second)
Major Monogram: Video number-
(Doofenshmirtz drives past, cutting him off)
Doofenshmirtz: Number 7!
Major Monogram: (wincing in pain) That was my foot!

(Song #7: I Love You Mom)
Candace: Mom, it's your birthday
Thanks for all the care and love you give
Phineas: Nice song, sis.
Ferb: (Ding)

Candace: Not to mention the meals
And times I get kind of nervous
Phineas: Come on!
Candace: And forget to tell you how I feel
Boys: (Shoo-be-doo, shoo-be-doo)

Candace: I'm a little high-strung
It's just because I'm young
Mom, I adore ya
And I'll do anything for ya

Although my brothers make me frantic
With every single crazy antic
And when I'm bouncin' off the walls
You're the one who stays calm
Boys: (You're the one who stays calm)

Candace: Because you love me for who I am
I'll always love you, Mom
(Ooh)
(Crowd applauding)

Doofenshmirtz: What Francis doesn't know is that this isn't just a Music Video Clip-inator, it's really a Music Video Mind-Control-inator! AHAHAHAHAHAHA- (Notices crowd, maniacal music stops abruptly) Oh... I didn't say Mind-Control-inator, I said... Mimes control my gators! See, look over there! (Pan out to see two mimes performing in front of two alligators) And you thought I was making it up! Now, onto video number 6!

(Song #6: E.V.I.L. B.O.Y.S.)
Linda: Candace. Have you been near the wild parsnips again?
Candace: (deep-voiced) Yes, but you gotta see what Phineas and Ferb are doing.
Linda: What is it now?

Candace: Those boys are always up to something
And it's bringing me to tears
'Cause just before you get home
It always just magically disappears

Those boys are evil!
But before you get home they somehow always clean up the mess

Vivian: Testify, Candace, testify!

Candace: Those boys are evil!
Let me spell it out for you, Mom:
E-V-I-L B-O-Y-S!

They built a roller coaster
And a beach in the backyard
Drove cattle through the city
And messed up the boulevard

They took me back in time
When we went to that museum
They built 50-foot tree house robots
But still you didn't see them

Those boys are evil
Their crazy shenanigans cause me all kinds of distress

Those boys are evil
Sing it with me!
E-V-I-L B-O-Y-S!

I know you think they're saints
But Mom, I'm here to tell
Those B-O-Y-S, they're just E-V-I-L

Those boys are evil
They're making me feel like my head's in a hydraulic press
And that don't feel too good!

Those boys are evil
Everybody!

Women: E-V-I-L B-O-Y-S!
Candace: That's what I'm talking about!
Women: E-V-I-L B-O-Y-S!

Candace: That's right those boys are
Evil little boys!

Major Monogram: That was stupid fresh!! I'm making that one my ringtone for sure! And right now, I've got a surprise for all who have youngsters, a special guest who's got his own death theme song.
Audience members: Doo-bee doo-bee doo-bah, doo-bee doo-bee doo-bah!
Major Monogram: That's right, it's P to the P, P-squared, or as I like to call him, Agent P!
Doo-bee doo-bee doo-bah-
(Perry jumps through the window)
-Perry!

(Cut to Flynn-Fletcher backyard, Phineas and Ferb are working on a project)
Phineas: Hey, where's Perry?
Ferb: He's doing a special guest appearance on a music video clip show.
Phineas: Hmm. Well, good for him.

(Cut back to studio)
Major Monogram: So, Agent P, what are your thoughts on the videos we've seen tonight?
(Perry chatters)
Major Monogram: Well, thanks for coming.
(Perry jumps back through the window; crowd laughs)
Major Monogram: And I think that sets up our next music video perfectly. Ladies and gentlemen, video number 5!

(Song #5: S.I.M.P. (Squirrels In My Pants) Extended Version)
Street Performer 1: Somebody, anybody, everybody, scream!
Candace: (off screen) Ahhh!! (jumps onscreen) There are squirrels in my pants!
Street Performer 1: That girl's got some serious squirrels in her pants!
Candace: There are squirrels in my pants!
Street Performer 1: Tell me what's makin' you jump like that!
Background singers: S-I-M-P, Squirrels in my pants!

Street Performer 1: Ain't got no chickens, Ain't got no rats...
Background singers: S-I-M-P,
Candace/Background singers: Squirrels in my pants!

Street Performer 1/Background singers: S to the I to the M to the P,
Then maybe you can be movin' like me...
Street Performer 2: Step right over and watch me put it down...
Candace: Squirrels! Squirrels!
Background singers: (S to the I to the M to the P)

Street Performer 2: Step right over and watch me put it...
Background singers/Street Performer 2: S to the I to the M to the P!

Street Performer 2: Who you got back home, waterin' your plants?
Background singers: S-I-M-P, squirrels in my pants!

Street Performer 1: How can I qualify for government grants?
Background singers: S-I-M-P, squirrels in my pants!

Street Performer 2: Yeah... Hypnotize me, put me in a trance...
Background singers: S-I-M-P, squirrels in my pants!

Street Performer 1: Got an Aunt Florence livin' in France...
Background singers: She can't see the-
Candace: Squirrels in my pants!

Street Performer 1: Step right over and watch me put it down...
Candace: Squirrels! Squirrels!
Background singers: (S to the I to the M to the P,)
Street Performer 1: Step right over and watch me put it...
Background singers/Street Performer 1: S to the I to the M to the P!

Street Performer 1: If you wanna know how I'm doin' this dance
Background singers: S-I-M-P, squirrels in my pants!

Street Performer 1: There's somethin' in my trousers, you know it ain't ants!
Background singers: S-I-M-P, Squirrels in my pants!

Street Performer 1: Yeah... Proletariat, bourgeoisie!
Background singers: Baby you don't need an academic degree!
Street Performer 1: Everybody's smellin' my potpourri!
Background singers: S to the I to the M to the P!
Street Performer 1: Step right over and watch me put it down...
Candace: Squirrels! Squirrels!
Background singers:' S to the I to the M to the P!

Street Performer 1: Step right over and watch me put it...
Background singer/Street Performer 1/Street Performer 2: Down, down, on the ground...
'Cause you know I got it goin' on!

Background singer: (S...) S to the I to the M to the P!
(I...) S to the I to the M to the P!
(M...) S to the I to the M to the P!
Street Performer 1: If your pockets are empty get a cash advance!
Candace: Squirrels! Squirrels!
Background singers: S to the I to the M to the P!

Background singer: (S...) S to the I to the M to the P!
Street Performer 2: If you're losin' your hair get yourself implants!
Background singer: (I..) S to the I to the M to the P!
Street Performer 2: If you're wrestlin' a bear then you ain't got a chance!
Background singer: (M...) S to the I to the M to the P!
Street Performer 1: Old Uncle Freddy just rages and rants!
Background singer/Street Performer 1/Street Performer 2: Ain't about love! Ain't about romance! I got squirrels in my pants!

Doofenshmirtz: Don't go away, folks. When we come back, we'll have the final four. (He pauses and holds up three fingers. He realizes his mistake and holds up four. The crowd laughs) Plus, a special video that will ENSLAVE THE TRI-STATE AREA!! HAHAHA... I mean... engrave my pie-plate carrier! (pauses and picks up pie plate carrier) Look, it's silver! It was a wedding gift. I got it in the divorce! That's right ladies, I'm available!

Part II

Doofenshmirtz: Wait, you're getting paid for this? I have to do this for community service! I gotta do like, 200 hours!
Major Monogram: This show is only half an hour long.
Doofenshmirtz: I have to do this 400 times?
Major Monogram: Oh, and we're back. We're counting down the top 10 Phineas and Ferb music videos from Season 1, as picked by you, the viewers.
Doofenshmirtz: Well, you are definitely buying lunch.
Major Monogram: So, here's a little number I like to call four.

(Song #4: Little Brothers)
Candace: I kind of miss the little guys. It's as if there was a whole other side to our relationship that I never noticed before.

Stacy: Little brother,
I remember when you first came home,
Then came another,
Little brother of our own.

Even when you break my toys,
You will always be my
Little brothers,
'Cause you're younger, we're related, and you're boys

Even when you're making too much noise,
You will always be my
Little brothers,
'Cause you're younger, we're related, and you're boys

Little brothers,
Little brothers,
Little brothers...

Candace: Uh, Stace, you're kind of bumming me out with the song there.

Major Monogram: Tubular. If I'd been wearing socks, they would've rocked right off.
Doofenshmirtz: You're not really wearing socks?
Major Monogram: Well, but not at the moment. (at Carl) Carl, how are my socks coming?
(Camera pans to Carl, who's drying Monogram's socks with a hair dryer)
Carl: Almost done, sir.
Major Monogram: Well, here's video number 3.

(Song #3: Busted Extended Version)
Vanessa: I can see the things you're doin'
And you think that I'm naïve
But when I get the goods on you
She'll finally believe

Candace: Well she says it's all just drama
But every bubble's got to pop
She's gonna see just what you're doin'

Both: And then you're finally gonna have to stop!
Don't think you're gonna win this time
'Cause you better believe I'm gonna drop a dime on you
I'll get ya! (yeah)
I'll get ya!
And when I do, you're gonna be busted!
(Busted!)

I don't wanna put the hurt on you
But you better believe me

When I tell you that I finally got the dirt on you,
You're busted.
(Busted!)

Vanessa: Yeah, she's finally gonna see the light,

Both: This is how it's gonna be,
When she finds out that I was always right,
You're busted!

Both: There's a new cop on the beat,
And I'm bringing down the heat,
Candace: My eyes are wise to all your lies,
'Cause you're not that discreet.

Vanessa: And I don't care what you've heard,
Both: 'Cause there's one six letter word,
Vanessa: It's gonna set me free,
Candace: (Gonna set me free)
Vanessa: It starts with a "B"!
Candace: (Starts with a "B"!)
Both: It goes B-U-S-T-E-D!
You are busted!
(Busted!)

Both: I don't wanna put the hurt on you
But you better believe me,
When I tell you that I finally got the dirt on you,
(I'll get ya!)
You're busted.
(Busted!)

(Don't think you're gonna win this time.)
Vanessa: Yeah, she's finally gonna see the light.
(Drop a dime on you.)
Both: This is how it's gonna be,
When she finds out that I was always right,
(I'll get ya! I'll get ya!)
You're busted!

Major Monogram: Fantastical. (at Doofenshmirtz) Say, Doofenshmirtz, what'cha working on over here?
Doofenshmirtz: Your doom. (drops a cage on Monogram)
Major Monogram: Great googly-moogly. (at Carl) Carl, get me Agent P.
Carl: (off-screen) He's in the green room, sir.
Major Monogram: Well, that should be easy then. Please enjoy music video number 2.

(Song #2: Backyard Beach)
Dancer: All hail Queen Wahini!
Candace: I can't believe it!

Ferb: Listen up people and I'll teach ya
'Bout Phineas and Ferb
And the backyard beach yeah.

Every morning, Phineas, he gonna say

Singers: Say!
Ferb: "Brother, whatcha gonna do today?"

Now you see we're having fun
Playin' under the sun,
And get in line, get in line
'Cause the wet skis runnin'

A backyard beach, a backyard beach
Nothing's outta reach,
we got the backyard beach

You can change in the broken hut,
Drink out of a coconut,
Three games for a token, but the rest is free

You got skiin', parasailin',
Surfin' and a-flailin',
Your contacts need saline,
Or else you can't see

Got the backyard beach, a backyard beach
Nothing's out of reach, we got the backyard beach
Got the backyard beach, a backyard beach,
Don't fall into the breach, got the backyard beach!

Doofenshmirtz: (laughing maniacally) Now my ultimate triumph is in hand! Prepare to be hypnotized by a video scientifically created to get stuck in your heads, forever!

(Song: My Name is Doof)
Doofenshmirtz: My name is Doof,
And you'll do what I say,
Whoop whoop!
My name is Doof,
And you'll do what I say,
Whoop whoop!

Major Monogram: Noooooo!

Doofenshmirtz: My name is Doof,
And you'll do what I say,
Whoop whoop!

Singular Victim: His name is Doof,
And I'll do what he says,
Whoop whoop!

Doofenshmirtz: My name is-
(Perry crashes in)
Major Monogram: Avert your ears, Agent P! Cover your ears!
Doofenshmirtz: My name is Doof,
And you'll do what I say,
Whoop whoop!
My name is Doof,
And you'll do what I say,
Whoop whoop!
My name--

Doofenshmirtz: No, no, no, no, oh, get back in there! Wait why isn't..? What? Perry the Platypus? I swear, of all the aquatic mammals I hang with, you are truly the most uncooperative!

Crowd of Victims: His name is Doof,
And we'll do what he says,
Whoop whoop!

His name is Doof,
And we'll do what he says,
Whoop whoop!
His name is Doof,
And we'll do what he says,
Whoop whoop!

Doofenshmirtz: It's working! It's working!
Major Monogram: Oh no, Agent P, it's stuck in their heads. We need something even more catchy to counteract it. But what could we...
(Perry opens the curtains, revealing a monitor)
Agent P? Agent P, this is no time for decorating. (looks at monitor) Ohh, I see.
Doofenshmirtz: No! Not the number one requested Phineas and Ferb song! New extended version, never before seen. Not that!

(Song #1: Gitchee Gitchee Goo Extended Version)
Phineas: Ladies and gentlemen, the Ferbettes! I'm Phineas and this is Ferb, and we're gonna sing a song.

Phineas: Bow, chicka, bow-wow!
Candace/Ferbettes: That's what my baby says!
Phineas: Mow-mow-mow!
Candace/Ferbettes: And my heart starts pumping!
Phineas: Chicka-chicka choo wap!
Candace/Ferbettes: Never gonna stop!
All: Gitchee gitchee goo means that I love you!

Phineas: My baby's got her own way of talking,
Whenever she says something sweet.
And she knows it's my world she's a-rockin',
Though my vocabulary's incomplete!

I know it may sound confusing,
Ferbettes: Ooh!
Phineas: Sometimes I wish she'd give it to me straight!
But I never feel like I'm losing,
Candace/Ferbettes: Losing!
Phineas: When I take the time to translate!

All: Here's what I'm talkin' 'bout!
Phineas: Bow, chicka, bow-wow!
Ferbettes: That's what my baby says!
Phineas: Mow-mow-mow!
Ferbettes: And my heart starts pumping!
Phineas: (Oh) Chicka-chicka, choo wap!
Ferbettes: Never gonna stop!
All: Gitchee gitchee goo means that I love you!

Phineas: Well I don't know what to do!
Candace: I don't know what to do.
Phineas: But I think I'm getting through!
Candace: I think I'm getting through.

Phineas: 'Cause when I say I love you...
Ferbettes: When I say I love you!
Phineas: She says, "I gitchee gitchee goo you, too!"
Candace/Ferbettes: Gitchee gitchee goo you, too!
Phineas: Gitchee gitchee goo you, too!
Candace/Ferbettes: Gitchee gitchee goo you, too!

Phineas: Don't need a dictionary!
Bow, chicka, bow-wow!
Candace/Ferbettes: That's what my baby says!
Phineas: Mow-mow-mow!
Candace/Ferbettes: And my heart starts pumping!
Phineas: Chicka-chicka, choo wap!
Candace/Ferbettes: Never gonna stop!
All: Gitchee gitchee goo means that I love you!

Phineas: I said, a-bow, chicka, bow-wow!
Candace/Ferbettes: That's what my baby says!
Phineas: Mow-mow-mow!
Candace/Ferbettes: And my heart starts pumping!
Phineas: Chicka-chicka, choo wap!
Candace/Ferbettes: Never gonna stop!

All: Gitchee gitchee goo means that I love you!
Gitchee gitchee goo means that I love you!
Gitchee gitchee goo means...
That I love you baby, baby, baby!
Ferb: Baby-baby-baby-baby.
All: Gitchee gitchee goo means that I love you!

Major Monogram: Great job, Agent P. You stopped Doofenshmirtz, saved the Tri-State Area, and finished the music video countdown. (at the camera) Well, thanks for tuning in, folks. We'll see ya next time. (at Doofenshmirtz, who is now trapped in the cage) Say good night, Doofenshmirtz.
Doofenshmirtz: You know, someday I'll get out of this cage, but your name will still be Francis.

End credits

(Song: S.I.M.P. Squirrels In My Pants)
Street Performer 1: Step right over and watch me put it down...
Candace: Squirrels! Squirrels!
Background singers:' S to the I to the M to the P!

Street Performer 1: Step right over and watch me put it...
Background singer/Street Performer 1/Street Performer 2: Down, down, on the ground...
'Cause you know I got it goin' on!

Background singer: (S...) S to the I to the M to the P!
(I...) S to the I to the M to the P!
(M...) S to the I to the M to the P!
Street Performer 1: If your pockets are empty get a cash advance!
Candace: Squirrels! Squirrels!
Background singers: S to the I to the M to the P!

Background singer: (S...) S to the I to the M to the P!
Street Performer 2: If you're losin' your hair get yourself implants!
Background singer: (I..) S to the I to the M to the P!
Street Performer 2: If you're wrestlin' a bear then you ain't got a chance!
Background singer: (M...) S to the I to the M to the P!
Street Performer 1: Old Uncle Freddy just rages and rants!
Background singer/Street Performer 1/Street Performer 2: Ain't about love! Ain't about romance! I got squirrels in my pants!

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