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Return Policy/Transcript

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(Open on the Flynn-Fletcher house. Cut to Candace on the phone in her favorite chair.)
Candace: Hey, Stace, feel like coming over for some pre-bust strategizing?
Stacy: No can do. Gotta babysit. Why don't you call Jeremy?
Candace: Oh, he's doing some sports thingy. Eh, it's not my thing.
Stacy: Ooh, a whole day without Jeremy and you're not obsessing about it? Who are you and what have you done with Candace?
Candace: Silly BFF, Jeremy likes me for who I am. It's like we're one. When I breathe in, he breathes out. His heart says, "Knock knock" and my heart says, "Who's there?" and the answer is, "Us!" (giggles) Remember those days when I was always panicking about (Phineas, Ferb and Isabella pass with baseball stuff) what he thought or what he would or wouldn't like? Ancient history.
Stacy: That was yesterday.
Linda: Candace, I'm going to the store, do you need anything?
Candace: Nah, I'm good.
Linda: Okay.
Candace: Oh, wait, I am out of toothpaste.
Linda: All right.
Candace: And deodorant.
Linda: Got it.
Candace: Oh, and pimple cream, loofa pads, body tape, hair dye, cucumber slices, fungal cream...
Linda: You know what, why don't you just come along so I don't spend the whole day in the teen hygiene aisle?
Candace: Someone has to be around to bust Phineas and Ferb!
Linda: Candace, they're playing baseball. It's not exactly a punishable offense.
Candace: Oh, but it will be! (shakes fist) It will be!
Linda: Think of it this way, Candace: the faster I shop, the sooner I come home to bust the boys.
Candace: (getting out of the chair) What are we waiting for? (grabs her mom's arm) C'mon, c'mon! Chop chop!
(Cut back to Stacy, still on the phone)
Stacy: Hello...? Hello?...Hellooooo?

(Cut to the backyard.)
Phineas: Okay, Isabella, keep your eye on the ball. (She hits it.) Whoa! Great hit!
Isabella: Power Hitter Patch: check!
(Baljeet enters with the ball on his head. Buford follows.)
Baljeet: Your analysis of the pitch's angle and trajectory was most impressive.
Buford: Only you can nerdify a great sport like baseball!
(Buford flicks the ball off Baljeet's head.)
Baljeet: Buford, hitting a baseball involves the basic principles of (graphics appear above his head) velocity, force and geometry.
Buford: (offscreen) You're visualizing numbers in the air again, aren't you? (Buford pushes the floating graphics into the ground.)
Phineas: Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today! We can use geometric algorithms to build the ultimate batting challenge.
Baljeet: (to Buford) Well?
Buford: It's not as bad when he does it.
Baljeet: (sighs) I cannot argue. So where is Perry?
Phineas: Oh, he's at home. (Whip pan left to reveal Perry standing on home plate chattering.) He's not doin' much. What's over here?
(Perry steps off home plate, an elevator appears and he goes down to his lair.)

(Cut to Agent P's lair, where a badly shaven Monogram is onscreen. Agent P drops in his chair.)
Major Monogram: Morning, Agent P. As you can see, I, uh, I've had a little shaving mishap with this defective electric razor. Just not comfortable with my eyebrows moving independently of each other.
Carl: (offscreen) But you are rockin' the reverse mohawk, sir!
Major Monogram: Get with it, Carl! The hip kids call it a "hawkmo". Anyhow, Agent P, retail stores all across the Tri-State Area are reporting a huge influx of returned faulty items and, coincidentally, (shot of Doof whistling with an inator waiting on line is shown onscreen) Doofenshmirtz has been spotted at customer service counters. (Monogram reappears onscreen.) I have a hunch that these two unrelated things may just be related! Now go find out if Doofenshmirtz has anything to do with this! Also, find out if anyone is actually calling it a "hawkmo" and, if not, please get that started!

(Cut to a shot of the Super Duper Mega Superstore. Cut to Linda and Candace shopping)
Candace: Ugh, this is taking forever! We'll never get home in time to bust the boys!
Linda: I'll tell you what, how about you shop for your own things and then meet me at the register?
Candace: Ooh, great idea! (runs off)
(Cut to Candace in another part of the store.)
Candace: Hygiene, here we are! Okay, lip wax, pimple cream, fungal cream... Wow! Running out of all my most embarrassing personal hygiene products on the same day. Ooh, right, deodorant! Oh, now, which Ducky Momo deodorant did I use? Hmmm... (Takes one off the shelf and looks around) Well, there's only one way to be sure. (Uncaps the deodorant and sniffs. She puts it back on the shelf and smells her own armpit.)
Jeremy: Hey, Candace! Whatcha doin'?
Candace: Uh, heh, hey, Jeremy, um...yeah...I'm just trying to reach the top shelf.
Jeremy: Allow me. (He reaches up top for something, while Candace pushes a basket away) Here you go, one nose hair clipper. Do you want me to put it in your basket?
Candace: No, I mean (nervous giggle) That's not my stuff! That's my Mom's. I'm shopping for my Mom. Yeah, heh... my mom has really unruly, uh, nose hair! Yeah, really bad, okay? Uh, yeah, I...I was just on my way to the, uh... (whip pan right to where Candace is looking, cut back to Candace pointing at the sign) ...the water sports section.
Jeremy: I didn't know you did water sports, 'cause I'm going to the Extreme Water Park today. Wanna come?
Candace: Yeah, cool! Y'know, 'cause I'm so down with the ten-hanging and whatnot. (giggles) Yeah.

(Cut to:)
Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!
(Cut to inside. Perry drops down on the floor, only to be trapped by a clearance sale sticker that says "Clearance - $1.99 - Price Slashed!".)
Doofenshmirtz: Aha! Consider yourself marked down! Handy little shopping device, isn't it? Anyway, you're gonna love this segue, Perry the Platypus! All of my broken inator parts were messing up the feng shui of my apartment. (Whip pan to a Chinese guy pushing a bonsai in a vase out of the way. Cut back to Doof.) Thanks, Larry! (To Perry) My feng shui consultant. To keep my chi in balance, I came up with this. Behold! The Back-to-the-Store-inator! Now instead of waiting in those ridiculously long lines at the return counter, I scan each item (he scans an item and it disappears) and presto! It's transported back to the store where I bought it!

(Cut to a return counter. The guy behind it puts up a sign saying "Back in 10". The inator part lands on him.)
Counter Guy: Ow!
(He flips the sign, and it now says "Closed".)

(Cut back to D.E.I.)
Doofenshmirtz: And here's the best part, Perry the Platypus: I get a cash refund deposited directly into my pockets. No banking necessary. (A cash register is heard dinging as several coins appear in Doof's pockets.) The only flaw is that the refunds come in pennies. Y'know, sometimes, I don't really think through the functionality of these things.

(Cut to Aqua Maximus, an extreme water park built like the Coliseum in Rome.)
Jeremy: (offscreen) Wow, this place is intense! (Cut to Candace and Jeremy on surfboards at the top of a water slide.) You ready, Candace?
Candace: T-T-Totally. (She giggles nervously as she looks down at the bottom.) Who in the world designed this?
Ride Operator: Couple of kids, actually. One had a triangle head.
Candace: Wait, what? (The ride operator releases the surfboards and we hear Candace scream.)
Jeremy: Woohoo!

(Cut back to the house. We see a fairground batting cage in the backyard. Cut to the backyard. Phineas and Isabella are in an announcer's booth and Buford, Baljeet, Ferb and the Fireside Girls are playing baseball on the field.)
Phineas: Welcome, sports fans! We have a great game for you today!
Isabella: (overexcited) It's the most extreme batting experience ever!!!
Phineas: The game is simple: Each level is worth ten points. The higher the level the harder it gets. The first one to hit the target at the top wins!
Isabella: It's survival of the fittest! A test of wills! Only one contestant will survive!
Phineas: No, no, no, (chuckles) everyone will survive.
Buford: You're goin' down, dweeb!
Baljeet: I will beat you. It is a mathematical certainty.
Isabella: It's extreme!!! It's EX-TREEEEEME!!!
Phineas: I don't know how extreme it is. It's, you know, big but it is still just a batting cage. Let's...not oversell it.
Isabella: Gentlemen, start your engines!!
Phineas: No, no, they...don't have engines. (Cut to Ferb next to an automatic pitching machine labeled the Lob 9000.) Oh...Oh, I guess Ferb...Ferb has an engine. Forgot about that.
(Song: Extremely Extreme)
It ain't mild or moderate, safe or secure,
It ain't meek or mellow, docile or demure,
It ain't peaceful or placid, sedate or serene,
What it is is ex-ex-ex-extremely extreme!

Conclusively decidedly, exactly, for sure,
Precisely, emphatically and definitely,
Unconventionally and unambiguously
Ex-ex-ex-extremely extreme!
Extremely extreme!

(Cut to Candace lying on the beach. Her cell phone rings.)
Candace: Ugh. Hello?
(Cut to Linda back at the store waiting in line at the register.)
Linda: (angrily) Candace, I've been waiting at the checkout line for a half hour! Where are you?
Candace: I'm at the extreme water park with Jeremy.
Linda: What?! And it never occurred to you to let me know?!
Candace: Sorry, Mom.
Linda: Well, I expect you to be home by the time I get back to put everything away!
Candace: Yes, Mom. Ugh!
(A wave comes in and Jeremy lands on the sand.)
Jeremy: Wanna go again?
Candace: I gotta go home.

(Cut back to D.E.I. Perry literally slashes his markdown with a coupon as he escapes.)
Doo bee doo bee doo bah
Doo bee doo bee doo bah

Doofenshmirtz: Ah, very resourceful, Perry the Platypus! Using coupons to cut prices! Hey! (Perry jumps on the inator and it activates.) N-N-Not my baseball card collection! No!
(Cut to a trading card store. The collection gets zapped to the counter.)
Counter Guy 2: Yes! I told you genies were real, Sheila...wherever you are.
(Cut back to the fight.)
Doofenshmirtz: Aw, man, you have no idea how much that was worth! (Kaching!) Although, judging by the jingling— (Perry hits him) Ow!

(Cut back to the backyard.)
Isabella: Buford and Baljeet are tied!
Phineas: And Buford steps up to the batter's box!
Isabella: Folks, you can cut the tension with a child-safe knife!
Phineas: Here comes the pitch! Yes! Looking good. Looking great. Looking fantastic! (The ball misses the target.)
Isabella: Denied!
Buford: Ugh!
Phineas: Baljeet eyes up the target as he steps to the plate. Readies himself for the pitch. And...Wow! What a trajectory!
Isabella: But not enough power!
Phineas: A disappointed Baljeet walks away.
Isabella: Oh, it looks like this game could go into sudden death!!
Phineas: It could just be a tie.
Isabella: No, sudden death!!!

(Cut back to D.E.I.)
Doofenshmirtz: Aw, man, not my new flat-screen! (Kaching!) Hey, no way! I paid way more for that TV! (Doof falls backwards and breaks a part of the inator with his back. The machine malfunctions and goes haywire zapping randomly.) Hey, wha? Ow! Ow!

(Cut back to the store.)
Carl: (offscreen) I would like to return this electric razor.
(Cut to the return counter to reveal Carl with a receding hairline and a torn-up lab coat with Monogram and his bad hair day. A kitchen sink appears near the counter.)
Major Monogram: Are you sure ya read the instructions, Carl?

(Cut back to the backyard. Baljeet is showing a demonstration on a chalkboard with Buford's image, with a right triangle next to him and many mathematical lines above the triangle.)
Buford: And you're showin' me boring math equations why?
Baljeet: Buford, these equations show that if we combine your brawn with my brains, we can conquer the final target together!
Buford: Do my ears deceive me? Are you sayin' we should work together?!
Baljeet: I know! My ears cannot believe it either!

(Cut to Jeremy's car pulling up in front of the house.)
Jeremy: Looks like we made it back before your mom.
Candace: Yeah, sorry to have to rush— (gasps) I knew Phineas and Ferb were up to something! (Linda's car horn honks.) Mom's here. (She somersaults out of the car.) Just in time to bust the boys. Mooom?!!
Linda: (gets out of the car) Don't poke the bear, Candace! You're in enough trouble as it is.
Candace: But, but, Mom—
(Cut back to D.E.I. An inator ray goes off. Cut back to Candace and Linda, the inator ray hits the bags in the trunk and they disappear.)
Linda: Now let's take these inside before the frozens turn int— (realizes the empty trunk) Oh, shoot! I must've left the other bag at the store.
Candace: Mom, just turn your head, and look up! (The car drives away) But...but...but... (Jeremy approaches Candace) but it's right...there!
Jeremy: Are those batting cages?
Candace: (Grabs him.) Come on, Jeremy, (runs to the backyard) there's still a chance to bust them.

(Cut to the backyard. Baljeet is measuring Buford's bat.)
Buford: Dis betta work, dweeb!
Baljeet: Just follow the trajectory I plotted out and I promise you will hit the final target! We can do this!
Buford: Optimism makes me angry!
Baljeet: (offscreen) Use it!
Phineas: (offscreen) Here comes the pitch!
(Buford hits the ball in slow motion. We hear Randy Newman-esque music in the background.)
Isabella: Whoa! This might be the big one!
Phineas: Folks, it's the power hit of the evening! But is it gooooood? (The ball hits every level in the cage and finally goes in the target.) It's goooooooood!!!!!
Isabella: Whoo!
(Everyone cheers.)
Buford: Yeah! Yay!
(Jet packs appear out of the target, and the cages fly away, just in time for Candace to fail. The cages launch into the sky and fireworks appear.)
Buford and Baljeet: Ahhhhh...
Ferb: Oooooo...
Phineas and Isabella: Ahhhhh...
(Candace growls.)
Jeremy: Awww... You'll bust 'em next time, tiger.

(Cut to D.E.I.)
Doofenshmirtz: (offscreen) Y'know, chasing's not much of an option with my pants full of pennies. (Cut to inside to reveal Doof's pants pretty much about to explode.) Ah, well, live and learn. (An inator beam fires, Perry uses a picture of Doof to deflect it and it fires at Doof. His clothes disappear, but his underpants and pennies don't.) 'Least you hit my clothes and not me. I wonder what happens if a person— (Another beam hits Doof.)

(Cut to the hospital room seen in the flashback from "Raging Bully". Doof appears in the arms of a male nurse.)
Doofenshmirtz: Drusselstein. Hmm. Curse you, Perry the Platypus, and my wretched, wretched life.

(Cut back to the backyard. Everyone is leaving.)
Phineas: Wow! Way to go, guys!
Baljeet: I guess we can work together after all.
Buford: I hate to say you're I won't.
Baljeet: Fair enough.
(Perry appears on home plate chattering.)
Phineas: Oh, there you are, Perry!
Ferb: Safe at home.
(Perry chatters again. Cut to Candace and Jeremy.)
Candace: And what a waste.
Jeremy: Hey, the day's not a total loss. We had a great time at the water park. Wanna go back tomorrow?
Candace: Uh, I have a confession to make. The only reason I said I liked extreme sports was because I was embarrassed that you caught me buying all that hygiene stuff for myself.
Jeremy: Aw, nothing you do could be that embarrassing.
Candace: Oh, Jeremy. (They hug. Candace farts.)
Jeremy: Candace, was that you?
Candace: It's a normal bodily function, Jeremy. Get over it. (walks away)
Jeremy: (follows her) Wait, wait, I thought it was cute!

End Credits

(standalone broadcasts only; Disney Channel exclusive)
It ain't peaceful or placid, sedate or serene,
What it is is ex-ex-ex-extremely extreme!

Conclusively decidedly, exactly, for sure,
Precisely, emphatically and definitely,
Unconventionally and unambiguously
Ex-ex-ex-extremely extreme!
Extremely extreme!

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