(Episode opens at the Flynn-Fletcher house)
Phineas: (offscreen) Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today!
Buford: A quilt?! No way! I mean, I know it's been a long summer and you guys are running out of ideas and-
Isabella: That's okay. Buford. You don't have to hang with us everyday.
Buford: No no no, I mean I mean I don't wanna play alone. I'll turn into a cat-kid.
Phineas: What's a cat-kid?
Buford: It's a kid version of a cat lady.
(Everyone stares at Buford)
Buford: Quick! Somebody say "Where's Perry?".
Baljeet: Where's Perry?
Buford: (sighs happily) You're always there for me.
♪ Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated ♪
(Perry jumps behind Doofenshmirtz, whom is currently working on his -inator)
Doofenshmirtz: (turns around) Oh, it's you.
(Perry looks around, taps on the floor for traps, then chatters)
Doofenshimirtz: Yeah, so no time for traps. It's nothing personal, you see today is the annual L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. Summer Stock Festival and I got the title role, so I have to take over the Tri-State Area by 3:30 if I wanna make the curtain! Uh, that doesn't leave me much time for, you know, the trapping and the fighting. So instead I built this! The Trip-To-The-Desert-inator! It's going to send you to the desert, and I can get on with my day. (Activates the -inator, Perry starts to run away) Don't bother running, because I installed a Perry-Track-inator. It's going to follow you no matter where you-
(Perry leaps onto Doofenshmirtz, the -inator hits both Perry and Doofenshmirtz, sending them to the desert)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, great! Now I'm in the middle of nowhere! Now I'll never be able to take over the Tri-State Area before.... the play. (Perry starts to leave via his jetpack) Wait, wait, d-don't leave me here! Uh, Perry the Platypus, please! It's important to me! And if this works out, I might give up evil for acting! Won't you give me that chance, to succeed at something that might very well turn my life away from the evil path? Do it for the kids. Do it for the orphans.... that I might perform in front of someday if I ever do a show in an orphanage.
(He is seen riding on Perry's jetpack as they're flying through the air)
Doofenshmirtz: I don't want to be ungrateful or anything, but is there any way to speed this up? I gotta be in the make-up chair at 4 o'clock. Hey, what about this turbo switch? That oughta shave off some time, hey, right, yeah? (Flips the switch which causes the jetpack to sped off into the distance as him and Perry fall and land on the ground) Some pilot you are. (Glares back at Perry, who then points accusingly at him) Oh sure, blame the victim. Like you didn't know about my switch-flipping compulsion. (Perry starts to run away angrily) Oh, now you're mad, sure, I don't know why I tried to be nice, I should have just trapped you, I could have been out of the hospital and on my way to the theater by now. (Starts to walk towards Perry) Instead they'll end up using my understudy. Ughh, I hate that guy!
(Meanwhile, at the Utopia Theater)
Rodney: So, if Doofenshmirtz is late, I get to go on?
Man #1: (Unknown line) time for this entrance, you can have the part.
(Rodney squeals in delight)
(Back in the desert)
Doofenshmirtz: I guess it is summer and we're in the desert, but I I feel like it's unseasonably warm out here. I feel warm. Do you feel warm? Why do we always see cow skulls in the desert? And why do you only see the skull? Did the body die somewhere else? It makes no sense. (Perry walk away) Oh, I'm sorry, am I talking too much for you? Fine. I'll be quiet. I can shut up. I don’t have to talk all the time. It's not like I have to fill the space.... If you want silence, I'll give you silence! You watch!... And it's gonna be deafening! Mark my words!
(Later, he is seen walking alongside Perry)
Doofenshmirtz: Why do they say "Mark my words?" I mean, they just mean listen to my words, why don't they just say "Listen to my words"?
(Song: Heck of a Day)
♪ Nowhere to go, nothing to see ♪
♪ Except sand and sand and sand, and you and me ♪
Doofenshmirtz: Hey, look how big the sun is through this magnifying glass. (Gets harmed off-screen) Ow! Ow! Oh!...No really, it's huge, you should see it.
♪ Baked from the heat, we've got sun on all sides ♪
♪ Getting tanned and tanned, like we're a couple of hides ♪
Doofenshmirtz: I mean, he drives a taxi, for heavens' sake, he can work anywhere. He expects her to just pack up and move to Vegas. Seriously.
♪ Two lost nomads who will never be missed ♪
♪ Some might interpret this as just a karmic slap on the wrist ♪
♪ But I've just gotta say it's a heck of a day to be us! ♪
Oh, yeah...
Doofenshmirtz: I was sure my arm would grow back, but it never did. (taps his left arm which makes a metallic sound) See? Pure titanium. It's a fact.
♪ It's a heck of a day to not have a car ♪
♪ And just walk and walk and not know where you are ♪
Doofenshmirtz: You don't communicate, you know that? You don't share. I know nothing about your private life. Perry closed off...... Closed, that's you.
♪ We got no kind of a map ♪
♪ Nothing to show us the way ♪
♪ And it's just talk and talk and talk with nothing to say ♪
♪ It's a heck of a day, a heck of a day to be us! ♪
♪ It's a heck of a day to be us! ♪
Doofenshmirtz: So I never touched an iguana again. Actually, that's not entirely true. There was one time, back in a—oh! Ooh ooh ooh! Look, Perry the Platypus, look! Two tires and an axle! Ahh, pretty soon we'll be rolling out of here! We're just gotta, gotta hop this fence. (Perry waves a finger back and forth) What do you mean no?! (Perry points to a "No Trespassing" sign on the gate) No trespassing! Oh oh you gotta be kidding me! You know what Perry the Platypus? I just have my third realization of the day, I have two earlier but I didn't share them with you. I've realized that the thing that's kept me from succeeding all this years isn't my parents not showing up after my birth, it isn't my eight month sting as organ griven monkey, it isn't the time that my arm got stuck under that boulder, also titanium see? (taps his right arm which also makes a metallic sound), it isn't any of those things. You know what it is? It's you! (points to Perry, who then crosses him arms) You are who's been holding my back all these years.
(Perry turns Doofenshmirtz's pointing finger around to point it to Doofenshmirtz instead to Perry's)
Doofenshmirtz: (sarcastically) Oh, very clever, that my accusing finger and pointing it back at me. (Normal) So so you think I'm responsible for my failures? (Perry nods) You're wrong! I can prove it. If you just let me try my junkyard scheme without interfering, it will prove to you that you are the source of all my failures!
(Perry lets Doofenshmirtz go on with his scheme)
(Doofenshmirtz is next seen trying to go over the gate)
Doofenshmirtz: A little loose here, Perry the Platypus. (Perry crosses his arms) No, no, you're right, by myself. Okay all I have to do is- (gets zapped, dogs are heard and chase after Doofenshmirtz off-screen)
(Doofenshmirtz and Perry are seen walking alongside each other in the desert)
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, okay, okay, just this once I failed and you have nothing to do with it, but did you have to let me trip all three bear traps? Like c'mon! Why not here in the hot sun working on ways to get us back to Danville (They both stop walking and look at each other) and you never offered me so much as a glass of water or or a teatanus shot! I'm going it alone. As a matter of fact, I'm sick of you and your smug face! I don't wanna see it any more. I'm going to close my eyes and count to 3, (covers eyes) and when I'm done, you better be gone. (Perry already disappears) And it'll be just like when you're here except that YOU (Points to where Perry is last seen) won't be here! (Counts) 1...2...3! (Open his eyes) Hey! He really.... FINE THEN! I can find the bus station on my own.
(He walks away, a tumbleweed rolls by and Perry comes back with a glass of water in hand, he looks around to find Doofenshmirtz already gone)
Doofenshmirtz: (crawling; pants) I said I wanted a sea otter for Christmas, they said I have to pick my present from the bottom shelf of the kitchen cosmics aisle at the supermarket so I bought an oven cleaner. I love that oven cleaner. OVEN CLEANER!! (notices a bus station) Hey, a bus station!
Bus Driver: Danville's at point's east! (Doofenshmirtz stands up) Tickets please!
Doofenshmirtz: (pants) I don't have a ticket for the... I've got to get to Danville to be in a play and I just gotta, I don't have any money, I'm tired and dirty and it's all my fault, I've.. It's always been my fault! I'm a failure, I'm a failure! (begins to cry off-screen) (while crying off-screen) I'm a failure.
Bus Driver: So... no ticket?
Doofenshmirtz: (while crying) I'm a failure. (Perry shows up with two tickets in hand, he stops crying) Two bus tickets? (Grabs the tickets) Oh Perry the Platypus, you're mench. I know I can be testy and unpleasant, I know I tend to ramble on and on, to be fair, the burden of conversation is kinda all on me in our relationship. And I know that I haven't always given you the respect you deserve, anyway, I want you to know that you are appreciated Perry the Platypus. You. Are. Appreciated. Oh, hey now, check it out. Look, see? A tear. The universal secretion for sincerity. (Doofenshmirtz catches his tear in a phial) Come on. You can have a window seat.
(Doofenshmirtz boards the bus, but Perry is stopped by the driver.)
Driver: Hold it! No animals allowed!
Doofenshmirtz: Tough break. Thanks for the ticket though.
(The bus drives off)
Doofenshmirtz: Sweet! It's air conditioned in here!
(On the bus)
Doofenshmirtz: (To nobody in particular) It's not like I wanted to go to the desert. He just jet-packed into me and dragged me along. No animals on the bus, it's no my rule. It's company policy. It's not my fault.
Passenger: Are you talking to me?
Doofenshmirtz: And what does he expect, he my nemesis. I'm a stone-cold villain. I'm ruthless. I have no "ruthes". ... Still he looked so sad and pathetic when the bus pulled away, and-- AH, I should think of something else. Kreplach! Kreplach! Eastern European comfort food. You like kreplach?
Passenger: As a matter of fact I do. When I was a little girl, my grandmother and I would make kreplach. First we would roll out th--
Doofenshmirtz: Enough of your blabbering on and on! My little nemesis is out there all alone. I can't believe it! Stop the bus! Stop the Bus! Stop-
Passenger 2: What's going on?
Passenger 3: Hey what gives?
Doofenshmirtz: I can't believe it.
(Perry continues walking down the road in the hot sun, but is shaded by Doofenshmirtz flying on Perry's jetpack)
Doofenshmirtz: Enjoying the shade Perry the Platypus? It's your jetpack! I found it stuck in the mouth of a fiberglass dinosaur I mean how often does that happen when you really need it? Climb aboard. Come on! Come on! Hahaha.
Doofenshmirtz: (to the tune of "Perry the Platypus")'[' ♪ Doofy doofy doofy doofy doofy doofy Doofenshmirtz! ♪
(Backstage)
Man: One minute 'till curtain.
Rodney: Looks like Doofy's a no-show.
Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus, we're running out of time! We're not gong to make it!
'(Perry straps Doofenshmirtz tightly into the jetpack)
Doofenshmirtz: Are you trapping me? But we were getting along so- (Perry motions towards the turbo switch) The turbo switch!? Are you kidding? I can't control this thing at that speed. O-Okay Perry the Platypus, if you think so... (Perry throws the switch)
Rodney: Oh well Doofenshmirtz, the show must go on, without you. ...And there's my cue.
Actress: ...I shall never go hungry again.
(Doofenshmirtz falls in from the ceiling)
Doofenshmirtz: Pizza delivery!
(The curtains close and everybody cheers)
L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. Member: What an entrance!
Doofenshmirtz: (To Perry) Haha! We got him good! And I couldn't have done it without you. (Perry turns Doofenshmirtz's finger towards himself) Oh, why Perry the Platypus... (Doofenshmirtz put the tear he collected earlier back into his eye) See I knew I'd need it later.
(Back in the backyard, the kids are standing on a finished quilt)
Buford: That was amazing! I never thought quilting could be so much fun! Think of the possibilities! Needlepoint! Embroidery! Tapestry! I'm headin' down to the fabric store right now! (walks away) Broquet! Taffeta! Saddle stitch!
Ferb: Actually I didn't find it all that exciting.
Phineas: Yeah, me either.
Isabella: Never getting that day back.
Baljeet: Whew, stinker-roo.
End Credits
♪ Baked from the heat, we've got sun on all sides ♪
♪ Getting tanned and tanned, like we're a couple of hides ♪
Doofenshmirtz: I mean, he drives a taxi, for heavens' sake, he can work anywhere. He expects her to just pack up and move to Vegas. Seriously.
♪ Two lost nomads who will never be missed ♪
♪ Some might interpret this as just a karmic slap on the wrist ♪
♪ But I've just gotta say it's a heck of a day to be us! ♪
Oh, yeah...