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Sci-Fi Pie Fly/Transcript

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(Scene opens up with the Flynn-Fletcher house in view. Then a close-up on Candace's slippers is seen at the title card. She then sits down and solemnly pours herself some cereal and milk)
Linda: Morning, sunshine! So, what are your plans for today, besides running up my phone bill?
Candace: I've got nothing. Every day, I always end up having another failed bust attempt blow up in my face. (throws some milk on a cat) Starting today, no busting, no blow up in face. I'm taking a me-day.
Linda: I'll believe it when I see it!

(Switches to the antique store, where Phineas, Ferb, Isabella, Buford and Baljeet are seen assisting Lawrence.)
Phineas: (seeing a poster on a wall) Huh, I've never seen that there before!
Lawrence: Cool, huh? I put that up inspired by my close-encounter.
Phineas: Close encounter?
Lawrence: Oh, yes. You have heard of the Danville crop circles?
Isabella: They've been appearing all over town! Some people say that they've been made by spaceships!
Buford: I don't believe in spaceships!
Isabella: But, Buford, you've been in a space ship. Several, actually.
Buford: I'm a skeptic!
Lawrence: Gather 'round kids, and I'll tell you a story about the close-encounter. It was a dark night, and I was out for a drive, when my motorcar began to behave strangely. Twas then when a bright green light started shining and I couldn't help but walking towards the light scource.
Phineas: What happened?
Lawrence: Well, as it turns out, it was just a tow truck driver I had called. He charged up my battery, and off he went!
Isabella: So, if you never saw a UFO, then why did you keep the poster?
Lawrence: Well, let's just say that the sightings have been enough evidence of UFOs. (leaves)
Buford: His words confuse me.
Phineas: Dad can be like that. But, nevertheless. I know what we're gonna do today: We're gonna solve the mystery of the Danville crop circles. Hey, where's Perry?

(Switches to an antique puppet theater, where Agent P goes to get his briefing from Major Monogram)
(Song: "Monogram Rap This Old Man")
Major Monogram: (while holding a puppet version of himself, singing to the tune of "This Old Man") Agent P,
Over here. Let us get this thing in gear.
There's a big, ol' lump of trouble in town
Awful things are going down.
(stops to inhale)
Please go stop Doofenshmirtz
I know this puppet show's the worst,
But I never said that I could write a song--
Ohh... Could you just leave? This is really embarrassing.

Perry!

(Switches back to the Flynn-Fletcher house, where Candace is on the couch watching TV and eating cereal, while Phineas, Ferb, and the others are constructing something in the backyard)
Phineas: (as he and the others work) Hi, Candace!
Candace: No, no, no, Candace. You're taking a me day. (changes channel) Back to my stories.

(Switches to Evil, Inc.)
Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!
Perry: (flies in and gets trapped in a chef's hat)
Doofenshmirtz: Aw, look at you in your "widdle" trap! So, why the chef's hat, you ask? Well, it was the cheapest way I could find to trap you. Hey, times are tough waiting for my monthly alimony check!
(backstory starts)
You have to watch every penny. And that's why the 37 minutes, or it's free deal at the local pizzarea is sure to be put to the test.
Pizza man: (knocking)
Doofenshmirtz: (whilst slowly gliding his feet along the door, constantly checking his watch while doing so) Just a second!
Pizza man: (continues knocking)
Doofenshmirtz: Any minute!
Pizza man: (continues knocking)
Doofenshmirtz: (continues gliding feet) Almost there!
Pizza man: (knocks)
Doofenshmirtz: (opens door)
Pizza man: (holds out hand, in a fashion of asking for money)
Doofenshmirtz: Can you belive he made me pay, anyway?
(flashback ends)
It was there when I decided to get revenge. Cheap revenge. I placed explosives in his pizza dough.
(explosion)
But you know what? He turned it into a special! And he actually charged more for it! But then, I decided that I'm not gonna stand for it! (removes lab coat sleeves) Behold: the Dough-Blow-Inator! You wear it! (lab coat falls off) You see, this device will blow pizza dough into the air and hold it aloft indefinitely! I'm going to challenge the pizza man to a dough-spinning contest and humiliate him in front of tens of people! And why are you coming with me, you ask? (puts hat on) Well, this just completes the look.

(Switches back to the Flynn-Fletcher backyard)
Phineas: In order to crack this case, we need to get a bird's-eye view of the situation.
Isabella: So, why not use a hot-air balloon, or a helicopter?
Phineas: I like to stay on theme.
(camera zooms out, revealing a UFO)
Isabella: Oh, good idea.
(UFO takes off)
Baljeet: So, Buford, here we are literally inside of a UFO. Do you still not believe in them?
Buford: My skepticism has evolved he and shaped my character.
Phineas: Let's fan out and start searching for clues.
(UFO flies over a farm outside of Danville)
Farmer: (takes picture of UFO with cell phone) Huh, I'm not crazy after all! (to "Bob") Oh, yeah? Well, no one asked you, Farm Utensil Bob!
Phineas: There's a lot of crop circles around here.
Buford: So you say.
Baljeet: Look, more crop circles! And they are exactly the same shape as the others!
Phineas: Maybe they're trying to tell us something.
Baljeet: That they like that shape, apparently!
Phineas: Maybe... We'll have to search for more clues.
Citizens: What is that?! Oh, my gosh! It's an invasion!

(Switches back to the living room, where Candace is now watching soap operas)
Man: There is nothing that can keep us apart...
Candace: Candace.
Woman: As long as you love me...
Candace: Jeremy.
Woman: ...we'll never be separated again.
Oshinomi: We interrupt this program with some breaking news. A UFO as been spotted in Danville. I'm here with Gordon Gutsofanemu.
Gordon Gutsofanemu: These crop circle sightings have been popping up all over Danville, yet none are as important as the UFO just spotted today. Can you describe the creatures flying the ship?
Random guy: There were these 2 creatures! One of them had this crazy triangle head and the other looked like a sideways "T"!
Gutsofanemu: Sounds terrifying!
Random guy: Oh, it was! They don't look human at all!
(an artist rendering of beings that strongly resemble Phineas and Ferb is shown)
Gutsofanemu: No. No, they don't. Who are these invaders? What are they doing here? What is the meaning of these crop circles? Why can't I time my barbecue right?
(Candace's eye twitches. She takes her phone out and begins dialing.)
Candace: I gotta call Mom! They're gonna be so... Oh, no, they don't! I'm taking a me day!

(Cut to Danville Park. The pizza guy is entertaining tens of people on a stage with his dough creations.)
Pizza Guy: (Italian accent) Hey, everybody, she got-a free pizza? (audience cheers) Hey, look-a what you see! It's a dough-osaur! Ha hey! The Leaning Tower of Pizza! Ay? Everyone having a good time?
Doofenshmirtz: No! No, we're not! We're having a rotten time, you stingy jerk!
Pizza Guy: Why you-a callin' me these bad guy things?
Doofenshmirtz: Because you cheated me! 37 minutes or free! That was the deal! And 38 minutes later, you welched on it!
Pizza Guy: But I would-a never! Wait-a one second! You are the guy who set up-a the traps to slow me down, yes?
Doofenshmirtz: Yes, I have traps, but th-they weren't necessarily for you, y'know, specifically, but... Look, enough of your excuses! I challenge you to a dough duel!
Pizza Guy: (using his dough as a grass skirt while doing the hula) A dough duel, eh? I accept-a your challenge! If you win, I give you-a free pizza for life! But if I win, you no order my pizza ever again!
Doofenshmirtz: Deal! I don't want your stupid pizza anyway. (Perry struggles to get out of the trap.) Don't bother! Chin strap!

(Cut back to the saucer ride.)
Phineas: Well, this is the last one.
Isabella: But we still don't know what it means.
Phineas: Maybe we need to get a fresh take on this. (to Baljeet) Bring up the crop circle map.
(Baljeet brings up the map.)
Phineas: That's it!
Baljeet: I do not see anything.
Phineas: Exactly! Because there's nothing to see! Right...there! That's the one spot where the aliens haven't been! I'll bet that's their next stop. Let's go!

(Cut back to Candace's me day.)
Gutsofanemu: (on TV) The alien ship has been seen hovering over...
(Candace changes the channel to a Spanish station, which also talks about the flying saucer. She flips the channel again.)
Spokeswoman: (on TV) ...makeup tips, (Candace smiles) so you can look your best for the impending alien invasion.
(Candace's phone rings.)
Stacy: (on phone) Candace, didja see the news? That is your brothers, right?
Candace: Yes, but I'm not busting them.
Stacy: (on phone) Uh, hello? The ultimate bust just falls in your lap and you're not gonna jump at the chance? What's up with that?
Candace: Listen, Stacy!! Me day! No bust, no blow up in face!! FACE!!!
Stacy: (on phone) Well, now that you've put it crazy...
Candace: Back to my stories. (hangs up) Takin' a me day.
(Song: "Non Reaction Song")
Gotta keep myself together,
No, I'm not even movin',
If I just do nothin',
Then my attitude's improvin'.

Na, na, na, na, na, na
(Resist the urge to move.)
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na

Get down, get down,
And feel the satisfaction;
Stop doing something,
Do the (non-reaction).

Na, na, na, na, na, na
(No, it's okay, don't get up.)
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(Stay on the couch.)

(Cut back to the saucer.)
Baljeet: (to Buford) So, if you do not believe the flying saucer is real, why did you want to take a turn flying it?
Buford: Just confirmin' it's not real. Besides, I categorically deny I'm flyin' it.
Isabella: Look out!
(The saucer crashes into the "FREE PIZZA" banner and then crashes into the stage where Doof and the Pizza Guy are.)
Pizza Guy: A little early to be knockin' my pizza down. We haven't even-a started yet!
Doofenshmirtz: That wasn't me. You... W-Wait, where's my chef's hat?
(Cut to Perry slinking in the hat offstage. Doof growls.)
Pizza Guy: You-a ready, fella?
Doofenshmirtz: Nope. First, I'm gonna do a little pre-gloating. I'm goin' to wipe the floor with you. I'm goin' to make you scream for mercy and there will be none! Men will weep. Children will wail! Whales will wail! Like...like this... (Mimics whale song.) Like they do, except they'll be doing it on your behalf! And women will look away as you walk the hall of shame! (beat) Okay, now I'm ready.
Pizza Guy: One-a, two-a, three-a...GO!
(Perry switches the control from blow to suck and the pizza dough gets sucked in.)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, no, no!
Pizza Guy: (also getting sucked in) Hey! What's-a your deal?!
(More and more things get sucked into Doof's sleeves.)
Doofenshmirtz: This is not at all what I had in mind! Oh! Oh, this really sucks! I mean, literally! Okay!
(A woman's baby gets sucked in, the woman does so as well, and so do more spectators.)
Man: This is really uncomfortable.
Doofenshmirtz: Boy!
(KABOOM!!!)
Doofenshmirtz: That failure was spectacular...even for me!
Pizza Guy: You must be a lot of fun at the parties! (American accent) But, seriously, don't order my pizzas again, okay?
Doofenshmirtz: Alright, deal. Curse you, Perry the Platypus!

(Cut back to the saucer.)
Isabella: (offscreen) Well, this is the spot.
(The saucer lands and the gang exits into the field.)
Phineas: Fan out, gang. Maybe we can find out why this is the only field in Danville with no crop circles.
Buford: You're wastin' your time. There's nothin' here but grass. Grass and this...key! (He uses the key as a hair scratcher.) Ah. Oh, that's good.
Isabella: Uh, Phineas?
Phineas: It's the same shape as the crop circles.
Buford: And I suppose that makes it special?
(Suddenly, a weird beam appears over the field. We hear weird theremin music in the background. The key floats up into the air out of Buford's palm. Cut to reveal a giant flying saucer. Cut to the saucer window to reveal two aliens who look like Phineas and Ferb. The Ferb alien speaks.)
Alien: Thank you for returning our key. We left large signs in fields all over the Tri-State Area, but you are the only Earthlings that came to our aid.
Phineas: Oh, no problem. Glad we could help.
Alien: To return the favor, here is something you lost in 1977.
(Something crashes to the ground.)
Phineas: Cool! The Voyager Space Probe!
Alien: Goodbye and good luck!
(The ship departs as the gang bid it farewell.)
Isabella: So long!
Phineas: Take it easy! Wow, that artist rendering on the news was really accurate!
Buford: Okay, there might be somethin' to this whole UFO thing.

(Cut back to Candace. Linda enters with a pizza box.)
Linda: Candace, I got the pizza you ordered.
Candace: Thanks, Mom.
Linda: I have time to do nice things when I'm not distracted by panicked phone calls.
(Phineas' saucer returns to the backyard.)
Candace: Oh, look! It's the boys in their UFO! And Mom is in the next room! (beat as Candace's eye twitches again) Nope! I've had a lovely day and I'm not gonna ruin it with another failed bust attempt. No way this day is gonna blow up in my— (She opens the box and the pizza explodes in her face and blocks the saucer from view.) Oh! So that's what they meant by "exploding pizza".
Linda: It's all the rage with the foodies. Oh, there's Phineas and Ferb. Hi, boys! (She waves and the gang waves back.)

(Crossfade to later that night. Cut to Candace's bedroom. She wakes up from her bed and looks out her window.)
Candace: Yup, still there. (goes back to bed) I'm not sayin' a word.

End Credits

Gotta keep myself together,
No, I'm not even movin',
If I just do nothin',
Then my attitude's improvin'.

Na, na, na, na, na, na
(Resist the urge to move.)
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na

Get down, get down,
And feel the satisfaction;
Stop doing something,
Do the (non-reaction). Na, na, na, na, na, na

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