(Scene opens up at the Flynn-Fletcher house. Lawrence Fletcher walks up to Phineas, Ferb, and Buford, who are standing under the tree in the backyard.)
Lawrence: Hello lads!
Phineas: Hi Dad!
Lawrence: What are you boys doing?
Phineas: I was just telling Buford about phone booths.
Buford: And I'm not buying it!
Lawrence: Oh no Buford, they were real. They were tiny rooms where you could talk on the phone in private.
Phineas: Yeah! And you'd have to put coins in them to make calls.
Buford: You guys are blowing my mind!
Lawrence: Speaking of coins... What's this here? Behind your ear? (Reaches behind Phineas's ear.) It's a quarter!
Buford: How did you do that?
Lawrence: A magician never reveals his secrets. (Walks away)
Buford: Your dad's really great at tricks!
Phineas: Not really, I just keep a bunch of quarters behind my ear 'cause he enjoys it so much. (Pulls a handful of quarters from behind his ear.)
Buford: Wanna see what I got behind my ear? (Pulls a large ear from behind his ear.) It's another ear!
Baljeet: (Appearing from behind Buford.) Miiiindfliiip.
Phineas: What are you doing Baljeet?
Baljeet: I am Buford's hype man. Check him out! Miiiindfliiip.
Phineas: That's great! You can be a hype man for all of us. Because I know what we're gonna do today. We're putting on a magic show! Hey, where's Ferb?
(Buford's head flips back and reveals Ferb in Buford's body.)
Buford: Ta-da! I switched my body for a dummy of myself, that Ferb climbed into when you looked away.
(Scene changes to "Steam Noir" coffee shop. Vanessa Doofenshmirtz and Monty Monogram are standing next to each other in line.)
Vanessa: (Glances back and notices Monty.) I know you. Didn't I see you flying off my dad's roof?
Monty: You're going to have to be more specific; I fly off so many roofs.
Monty: Nah, just the one. Of course I remember you. You're Vanessa Doofenshmirtz.
Vanessa: And you're Monty Monogram.
Monty: That's right.
Vanessa: Should we even be seen in the same room together? I mean, you know, our dads being sworn enemies and all?
Cashier: What can I get for you two?
Vanessa and Monty: (At the same time): Cappuccino with chocolate powder on top and a ginger scone please. (Glance at each other)
Cashier: ...and two straws no doubt.
Monty: Okay, putting aside the fact that our fathers are sworn enemies, want to have those cappuccinos together?
Vanessa: Sure, sounds cool.
(Scene changes to Perry's lair)
Major Monogram: Morning Agent P. I guess we're getting a little bit of a late start. Our sources say that Doofenshmirtz is on his way to "Steam Noir", the hippest coffee house in town. We need you to get there before he arrives and stop him from doing anything, you know, nefarious. ...I've got a "Word a Day" calendar.
(Scene change to the Flynn-Fletcher backyard.)
Candace: Phineas, Ferb, what is this?
Phineas: We're putting on a magic show. Do you want to be in it?
Candace: I'm calling Mom right now. (Pulls out her cell phone)
Phineas: Yeah Mom! She can be in it too.
Buford: A cell phone! Perfect! (Grabs Candace's phone)
Buford: Watch this trick. (Covers the cell phone with a cloth and smashes it with a hammer) Voila! One cell phone transformed into miscellaneous electronic parts!
Candace: Okay, really amusing. Bring it back.
Buford: It's not that kind of trick.
Candace: Ughh! I can still use the landline.
Buford: The landline? That was my first trick! (Holds up broken landline phone pieces)
Monty: It's so awesome that we ran into each other. Can you imagine the look on both our dad's faces if they saw us here together?
Vanessa: (Laughs) I'm surprised your dad hasn't put some kind of a spy camera on you.
Monty: You know, where's your dad's Date-Ruin-inator?
Vanessa: (Laughs) So this is a date?
Monty: Well, isn't it?
(Perry walks in the front door and sees Vanessa and Monty)
Vanessa: Do you usually have coffee with your dad's sworn enemy's daughters?
Monty: No, just girls whose roofs I've flown off of.
Vanessa: Oh see, now I feel special.
Monty: Yeah I don't just fly off any roof you know.
Vanessa: Course not.
Monty: I've got standards. It's got to be a building shaped like a... like a...
Vanessa: An Easter Island head?
Monty: Oh my gosh, exactly. What is that all about?
Vanessa: I have no idea. Hold that thought, this needs more milk.
(Walks to a table for milk where Perry's in disguise)
Vanessa: Perry? Is that you? Listen Perry, I'd really appreciate it if you didn't let my dad know that I'm here with the son of his sworn enemy. This is going pretty well and I wouldn't want him to spoil it. Can you help me? (Perry nods) Thanks Perry.
(Doofenshmirtz pulls up to Steam Noir and walks in the front door)
Doofenshmirtz: Steam Noir! Vanessa says the coolest people in town hang out right here.
Monty: My dad thought I wanted to be an acrobat. I mean it was fun but it wasn't my thing.
Vanessa: My dad was the same way with... (Doofenshmirtz walks in front and Vanessa's voice fades out)
Doofenshmirtz: Ah waiter, you mind if I tell you my evil scheme? My nemesis didn't show up today and I still have to get it out. I figured since I'm getting nowhere with the older Tri-State population, maybe I should go for the younger demographic. So, behold! The Cool-inator! Well, you can't really behold it, it's out in the car. But trust me, it's behold-worthy. First, I will suck all the cool out of this place, it being the hippest coffee house in town. Then, I will blast myself with the cool concentrate, transforming into such an "awesome dude" that you, disaffected youth, will have no choice but to follow me blindly and help me, you know, take over the Tri-State Area! Anyway, the Cool-inator is so hip that it only runs on espresso, so let's fill her up.
Cashier: (Takes out headphones) What'd you say dude?
Doofenshmirtz: ...I need ten gallons of espresso.
Cashier: We only serve it in this cup, man.
Doofenshmirtz: Wow, really?
Cashier: It's espresso, man.
Doofenshmirtz: Fine. Let's see... this is about a quarter cup... and there's two cups in a pint... that would make... I'll have nine-hundred ninety nine more of these please.
Cashier: ...There are six-hundred forty quarter cups in ten gallons, man.
Doofenshmirtz: (Outside pouring a cup of espresso into the Cool-inator) This is gonna take a lot of trips.
(Scene change to the Flynn-Fletcher house, where Phineas and Ferb perform tricks)
Phineas: Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for the Mindflip! For centuries, shaman conjured magic for their tribes, and countless magicians practice hocus pocus for their audiences.
Baljeet: It is a... Miiiindflip.
Phineas: How do we do it? I'll tell you how, if you can keep a secret. It's. A. Trick!
(Scene change to Steam Noir)
Monty: Carl's in the college right? He can program the most sophisticated satellite tracking computer in the world but every time I try to call my dad he cuts me off. Can't even work a landline.
Vanessa: You think that's bad, every time I use the microwave, Norm starts involuntarily rapping.
(Monty and Vanessa talk and share stories indistinctly in the background while Doofenshmirtz walks back and forth from the counter to the car with espresso, as Perry hides the two from his view with assorted objects.)
(Song: Won't Keep Us Apart )
♪ I know that you and I ♪
♪ We come from different places ♪
♪ There's no telling why or who your heart embraces ♪
♪ These feelings that we share, ♪
♪ There's a reason why they're inside us ♪
♪ They're both aware of the list of things that won't divide us ♪
♪ The sun and stars and the moon and the planets won't keep us apart ♪
♪ A herd of wild wildebeests, a gaggle of flamin' geese won't keep us apart (Won't keep us apart) ♪
♪ Duct-taped bungee cords, fiberglass diving boards, won't keep us apart ♪
♪ A device designed specifically to keep us apart won't keep us apart ♪
Doofenshmirtz: Hit me again. Hey do you mind if I use your restroom? I mean, technically I haven't had any coffee here, but I've bought coffee here and I thought that would qualify. I had a lot of coffee earlier this morning... Heh, okay TMI, I get it.
(Perry sets a trap causing Doofenshmirtz to slide and skid into the restroom without seeing Vanessa.)
Doofenshmirtz: Is this...Waaaah!
Vanessa: So I look up, and there he is in front of the whole school... (indistinct)... finally stepping on the other team's feet as he walks.
Monty: Well at least he showed up. I mean, if I had a nickel for every time I got the "Your father couldn't make it, he's working late." call. But I guess that's really your dad's fault.
Vanessa: So... what exactly do you mean by that?
Doofenshmirtz: (screams as he skids on the way out of the bathroom, stopping at the counter, sighs) ... You're out of paper.
(Scene change to Mindflip)
Phineas: Through the power of enchantment, and a few nifty dance moves, Ferb and I have conjured the glittered demons and are ready to pull off...
Candace: Phineas, Ferb, you are so busted! What is this thing? Get me out of here!
(Scene change to Steam Noir)
Doofenshmirtz: (Pouring the last cup into the Cool-inator) Finito!
(Doofenshmirtz walks into Steam Noir with the Cool-inator)
Doofenshmirtz: Alright, heads up hipsters, get ready to lose your cool!
Monty: Well what I meant is that my dad spends all his time dealing with your father's schemes.
Vanessa: I'll have you know, my father is a misunderstood genius.
Monty: Genius? I have three words for you: Self. Destruct. Buttons.
Vanessa: And yet, in spite of all that, there's my dad free to do it all over again the next day. Whoa, really effective bunch of spies you've got there major.
(Perry pushes Monty and Vanessa into the back alley behind Steam Noir)
Monty: At least my dad's spy network isn't funded by monthly alimony checks.
Vanessa: You do know that what he calls a "spy network" is actually just a petting zoo. With hats.
Doofenshmirtz: Say goodbye to your street cred hip-cats! (turns on the Cool-inator)
Male Customer 1: So I said to him, "Step off my guest list, poser." (gets zapped by the Cool-inator) You want to hear how my nose whistles?
Male Customer 2 : Yeah man, you know, it's all about my blogs, you know. I blog about blogs that blog about other blogs. (gets zapped by the Cool-inator along with Female customer)
Female customer: You want to hear a dream I had about my cat?
Male Customer 3: Can I get some more local, organic water? (gets zapped by the Cool-inator) I can't drink any more ice tea, because when I drink ice tea I get craazyyyyy.
(Scene change to Mindflip backstage)
Candace: Finally, daylight. Phineas and Ferb! (Linda and Lawrence's car pulls up in front of the house.) That's Mom's car! Mom! (Runs outside)
(Scene change to Steam Noir)
Doofenshmirtz: Now to set the -inator on "reverse" and blast myself with all of the cool!
(Perry flips the Cool-inator onto Doofenshmirtz, where it shoots a ray before exploding. The ray bounces off a satellite.)
(Scene change to Candace meeting Linda and Lawrence in front of the house)
Candace: Phineas and Ferb built a really dangerous magic show in the backyard! You've gotta bust them!
(Linda and Lawrence get hit by the Cool-inator ray)
Linda: Really Candace? Busting? That's so beginning of summer.
Lawrence: There's a Luciano Rigatoni festival at the art house.
Linda: Let's go.
Candace: But Rigatoni's work is passionless! With minimal importance! Every piece betrays its own lack of interest in the subject matter!
(Scene change to Steam Noir)
Doofenshmirtz: You know, Perry the Platypus, this is very uncool of you.
(Perry takes off his fedora to reveal a beanie propeller cap)
Doofenshmirtz: A beanie propeller cap? Tha... (The propeller spins and Perry takes off) Uh... alright I'll give that to you, that's kind of cool.
Customers: Are you cyber? Uh, want to do a sketch in my sketch book? Where'd you get that gnarly lab coat?
Doofenshmirtz: No! No! No you're nerds! Get away from me, I'm not like you! I'm... I'm cool! Or, I was going to be cool, when I shot myself with the -inator, which is now destroy... uh... curse you Perry the Platypus!
(Scene change to Monty and Vanessa in the back alley behind Steam Noir)
Monty: You know, our fathers are probably right, we shouldn't even be talking to each other.
Vanessa: This was a huge mistake.
Monty: ...So wanna do this again?
Vanessa: (hands Monty her card) Call me.
(Scene change to Mindflip)
Phineas: Ladies and gentlemen, in our grand finale, we make everything disappear!
Candace: Phineas?! Ferb?! (Sees Perry) Oh there you are Perry. (enters backyard) Where is it?! What happened?!
Audience member: All gone!
Candace: You two!
Phineas: Here's your phone. (Hands Candace her cell phone)
Candace: It's totally fine! Okay, this may be an easy enough trick, but how did you make the whole show disappear?
Ferb: A magician never reveals his secrets.
Candace: That's a little cliché Ferb, don't you think?
(Ferb's head flips back, revealing Baljeet inside the Ferb dummy)